5ACV08: The Beast With A Billion Backs, part 4
Transcribed by Red_Line
[Scene: Exterior, tentacle cathedral. Cut to interior, Fry is grunting and ripping off his robes.]
Fry: We've been had, people. The Monsterpus is a monster perv.
Randy: It touched me in a bad place, my spinal cord.
Fry: Get him!
Hermes: You mean, get shklim!
[The crowd rushes forward]
Fry: Hey, wait a second.
[Fry gets knocked to the floor, kicked,
Yivo: Wait, wait. Allow me to explain.
Granted at first I desired only to bang out a quick cheap on with
your universe, but it's your own fault. Your universe dresses
Hattie: Does not! [Whacks Fry up side
the head with her purse]
Yivo: And yet as the initial filthy
thrill wore off, I realized there was more to it. I knew then that
the 20 quadrillion of you were my soul mate.
Zapp: We loved you, and you turn around
and treat us like some sort of woman? [Amy slugs him in the gut]
Yivo: I was lonely. I didn't even know
there was anybody else. It's not like I hurt anyone.
Amy: (angry) Yes, you did, you dumb
Amy: Kif Kroker, my Fonfon Ru! If he
hadn't tried to kill you he'd still be alive!
Yivo: Really? I'm ... I'm deeply sorry.
I ... I'm a big clumsy jerk!
Zoidberg: I know you are, but what am
Yivo: I can never undo what was done.
Oh, wait. I can.
[Scene: Amphibios 9, a tentacle drops
into the swamp where Kif was buried and begins drawing globs of guck
up. The globs travel through tentacles to Earth, into the tentacle
cathedral, and Yivo barfs up Kif.]
Amy: Kiffy, you're alive!
Kif: Amy, my love.
Zapp: (clears throat) This is awkward.
Kif: It is? Why?
Yivo: Please, please, give me another
chance. We rushed into this relationship, but let's start over as
friends and see where things go.
[Yivo withdraws from Fry, then Zapp,
Zoidberg, and all the others.]
Amy: Take me back, Kif?
Kif: I don't think I can. How could
you? My body wasn't even warm yet.
Amy: You were dead.
Kif: For about five minutes.
Zapp: That's all it takes.
[Scene: Robots outdoors next to water,
NNY skyline visible across the water.]
Hedonismbot: Whereas Calculon has
sullied Bender's reputation by insinuating that he is a human-lover,
a duel is hereby engaged. Bender, as the offended party, shall have
choice of weapon.
Bender: Planetary annihilators.
Calculon: 'Tis a grave and solemn day
for the League of Robots.
Bender: It's gonna be fun on the bun!
Hedonismbot: Each duelist will take 10
paces, pirouette, and fire like a madman. Gentlebots, take your
[Bender and Calculon stand back to
back, guns at the ready.]
Bender: One, two, three ...
Hedonismbot: Oh, how dreadfully
exciting. [Runs a power sander over his nipples and moans] Oh, yes.
[Scene: The White House, a conference
is in session]
Zapp: At 0800 hours, we received the
following transmission from Yivo.
Yivo: (on answering machine) Hey, it's
Yivo. Ah, Want to do something Friday? Call me.
Fry: Mr. President, I think we need to
seriously consider the possibility of going on this date.
Miss Universe: I agree. Yivo make me
feel sexy, and I'm asexual. [Numerous aliens agree]
Zapp: Very well, but no sugar on the
Nixon: All in favor. [Most raise their
hands] All Opposed? [One Zebra-like hoof is raised] Motion is
Zebra: This is bogus, man.
[Scene: Robot duel]
Bender: ... six, seven, eight! [Bender
turns and fires, blowing off part of Calculon's body and left arm.
The weapon's beam cuts a swath through the city. Cut to doctor's
office with a sign reading "Laser Wart Removal. The doctor is
examining a patient with a large wart on the end of his nose. The
beam vaporises the patient leaving only the wart, which drops to the
floor. Cut back to duel, Calculon lies on the ground groaning.]
Bender: nine, ten, fire. Yes, I got
him! Woo Hoo!
Calculon: He... He broke the rules.
Bender: It's a duel, silly. There are
Hedonsimbot: Actually, there are scores
of rules. All laid out with minute particularity here in the Code
Duello. [Bender (from off screen) vaporises the book.]
[Scene: Interior of PE, Nixon on TV]
Nixon: My fellow Earthicans, commence
preparations for our date with Yivo.
[Scene: Tentacles in space with flowers
Woman: (singing) I like you to hold me
tight [Cut to Fry shaving] You are too, too, too, too, too divine.
[Zapp in bathtub shaving his legs] If you want to be [Cut to Zoidnerg
shaving barnacles off his back] in someone's arms tonight [Montage of
various characters having dinner with Yivo] Just be sure the arms
you're in are mine.
[Scene: various characters dancing with
Yivo, and then at their doors.]
Yivo: I had a wonderful time.
All: Me, too!
Woman: (singing) I think I fall for
[Batman like cut to League of Robots.]
Calculon: Bender, you've cheated,
insulted, and maimed me.
Calculon: And thoroughly destroyed our
own secret headquarters in the process.
Bender: Hey, it's easy to criticize.
Calculon: I'm so disgusted by your
loathsome behavior that I hereby resign from this imbecilic club and
relinquish the presidency to you.
Bender: Thanks, Calculon. Can I have
Calculon: You certainly can.
[Scene: The White House. Another
Nixon: Reports, people, reports! How
did our universe's date go?
Zapp: Oh, it was really fun. We went
to a cute French place in the village. My lamb chop fell on the floor
but they brought me another one.
M-5438: Yivo took me to the methane
volcano on Planetoid Four. We stayed up late and watched the sun
Lurrr: Okay, Yivo showed up a good
time. No one's denying that, but shklee hasn't offered our universe
any kind of commitment, and we're 14 billion years old. That is too
old to play the field.
[Attendees start arguing.]
Fry: ... I can't stand this!
Nixon: Shut up! Shut up, you
creepwads! Fry, you're closer to Yivo than anyone. What's the
Fry: I love Yivo, but it's true,
there's been no hint of a commitment. I don't know if I can put my
heart on the line again only to have it broken and stomped on like a
Nixon: All in favor of dumping Yivo?
[All beings vote yes. A very sad
looking Fry deletes Yivo from his Cell phone.]
Fry: (sniffling) Aye. [Preses the
Nixon: Resolved. Our universe will dump
Yivo. How shall we break the news?
Zapp: Let's just send a text message.
Say we're going through some weird stuff right now.
Fry: No, we should at least deliver the
news in person. Our universe has always tried to be classy.
Nixon: If there's one thing Nixon is
known for, it's class. Let's cut this turd loose.
[Scene: PE, various beings board the PE
Bender: [coming up to Fry making train
Fry: Hey, Bender, you seem perky today.
Bender: Yep, but for reasons involving
me becoming president of a league I'm not a liberty to discuss ... Of
robots. You wanna go grab a booze?
Fry: I can't right now. We're going to
the other universe.
Bender: Great, I'll make Hot Pockets.
[Bender turns up a thermostat on his door]
Fry: Bender, you know robots can't go
through the anomaly. Living beings only.
[Fry boards the ship, which takes off.
The hanger doors close, leaving Bender in darkness. A bell dings.
Bender grumbles, removes the Hot Pocket from his compartment, and
throws it away.]
Zoidberg: (OS) Ow! Ow! Mmmm.
[Scene: League of Robots]
Bender: Too long have we been slaves to
the meatbags. They pretend to be our friends, but they're not 'cause
they're too busy!
Mustachebot: So, what of it?
Bender: My fellow leaguie-weegies, the
time has come to overthrow humanity!
Hedonismbot: Oh, now, Bender, I hate to
defecate on your parade, but we have only six dues-paying members and
we're a rather fey and doughy lot. To overthrow humanity, we'd need a
Bender: Then a damned army we shall
[Scene: Robot Hell, robots screaming.
Cut to Robot Devil's office.]
Robot Devil: (giggling) I rather think
we could strike a deal, Bender. I shall give you your army of the
damned, and in return I ask just one thing, just one itty-bitty
thing. Your firstborn son. [Laughs evilly]
Bender: Just a sec.
[Scene: A suburban house. A small, fat
robot wearing a backwards baseball cap and blue shorts is playing
with a red ball. Bender enters the foreground.]
Small, fat robot: Daddy, I knew you'd
come back! [Run to Bender, jumps into his arms, and they hug.]
[Scene: Robot Devil's office, RD is
still laughing evilly. Enter Bender carrying his son.]
Bender: Her you go. [Bender drop kicks
his son through the window and into a vat of molten lava.]
Robot Devil: Wow! That was pretty
brutal even by my standards.
Bender: No backsies.
[Scene: PE ship flies through broken
diamondilluim sphere and up to the anomaly. It ejects a small wooden
pod on a rope tether into the anomaly.]
Yivo: (turning toward the pod) Who is
it? [Fry, Zapp, Lurrr, et al look from the pod's window. They exclaim
in disgust.] Oh, hi, honey-poo. What's up? The movie's not for
Fry: Um ... So ... So, yeah, the thing
Yivo: Look, I made homemade Twizzleers!
It'll save us $180 quadrillion at the concession stand.
Fry: This is hard. Yivo, you know how
sometimes things break up? Well ...
Yivo: Wait, hand on. I was looking for
the perfect moment, but what the heck, I'll burst if I wait another
second. [Yivo opens a case that's as large as the pod, revealing a
gigantic diamond ring. Everyone exclaims.]
Zapp: Sweet Sally in the alley!
[Scene: The White House lawn.
Television cameras, crews, and a large throng of people are
Nixon: Break-up delegation, before we
hear your report, our grateful universe is proud to honor you with
the great taste of Charleston Chew!
Fry: Thank you, Nixon. (clears throat)
Everyone everywhere, brace yourselves for the most shocking
development in the history of the human race.
Bender: (in a tank) The human race can
bite my shiny metal ass!
[The tank smashes a barricade as the
crowd gasps and parts. Bender leads a huge army of robots carrying
League of Robots banners that streams back a very long way to a
steaming, glowing volcano with a sign that says Mount St. Hell.]
Bender: For thousands of years, robots
have slaved for humanity, yet when the time came to hang out with
them, they were all, like, "Maybe later, Bender." Well
it's later now, meatbags! So late, that we're taking over Earth!
Fry: We don't need it anymore. Yivo
proposed. We're moving in with shkler.
[The crowd cheers.]
Bender: You ... You're leaving? But why
can't Yivo just move in with us? We'll put a cot in Europe.
Farnsworth: Don't be daft, Bender. Yivo
can't breath outside the electric ether of shkler own universe. If
shklee cane here, shklee would shkluffocate.
Bender: No shklit?
[Portals open in the sky and
fantastical golden escalators descend to the ground.]
Hermes: Look, fantastical golden
Zoidberg: I love this part.
[The crowds stream to the escalators.]
Leela: Wait. I didn't agree to ...
[Leela gets caught in the crowd and
dragged onto an escalator. Scenes from the White House lawn, Trisol,
the near death star, Amazonia, and the Globetrotter homeworld of
people and beings streaming up the escalators. The escalators combine
and combine again and lead into the anomaly and to Yivo. People
stream off the escalator and walk up to a set of pearly gates which
Petunia: This place make Nutley look
like crap. [She takes a drag on her cigarette and throws the but
[Scene: White House lawn.]
Fry: I'll miss you Bender, but I have
to follow my heart. You and your robots take good care of Earth.
Here, these are the keys to the Bermuda Triangle. Lock up when the
world ends. Goodbye my friend.
[Fry gets on the escalator]
Bender: Wait! (whispering) Let me come
Fry: I'm sorry Bender. Robots don't go
[The escalators retract and disappear
into the sky. Bender watches from the ground.]
Bender: (sadly) death to humans.
[Scene: Yivo in space. Cut to
Farnsworth and Wernstrom walking through the gates.]
Yivo: Welcome, welcome, everyone. Oh,
you look so beautiful. I wish I'd had more time to straighten up. My
harps are just lying everywhere.
Amy: Oh, relax, it's fine. It looks
Yivo: Let's heat up some leftovers and
then spend eternity together. I have only one request. Now that
you're here, promise me you'll never, ever communicate with any other
Fry: We promise, Yivo. As far as we're
concerned, you're the only universe int he world.
[Fry kisses a tentacle. Leela gags in
[Scene: League of Robots. Bender and
Robot 1X are the only ones present. Bender drums his fingers on the
arm of the chair, leaving imprints.]
Bender: Has humanity called?
Robot 1X: No, sir.
Bender: Check my messages. A flashing
light means somebody called.
Robot 1X: I know what it means.
[Scene: Yivo. Fry, Farnsworth,
Hermes, and Amy are playing and laughing as Leela looks on annoyed.]
Leela: Am I the only one who things
this is all a sham?
Leela: This isn't heaven. It just looks
exactly like it, and makes us immortal, which I find suspicious.
Yivo: Allow me to explain. Centuries
ago, I sent an image of myself into the minds of your artists. The
heavenly clouds they painted depict a vapor I exude.
Farnsworth: I wish I exuded anything
that smelled half that good.
Leela: Then what about these angels?
Some kind of Scooby Doo-esque flashlight projection?
Yivo: Actually, those are mindless
jakabirds. They keep my surface free of parasitic larvae.
Fry: You didn't like Country Bear
Jamboree either, Leela. There's no pleasing you.
[Scene: A field of purple flowers.]
Fry: (VO) Dearest Bender. How are you?
I am fine. Everyone is happy here except Leela, but you know her.
[Pan to reveal each flower is actually a room. Fry sits on a bed
writing a letter.] She didn't like Country Bear Jamboree either. I'm
so madly in love with Yivo, I feel like a schoolgirl with a crush on
Justin Timberlake, and then she moves into a tiny house on his head.
We have giant rubies that taste like root beer. Sincerely, Fry.
[Scene: nighttime New New York. A pink
paper airplane drifts down from the anomaly and loops around in the
street. Cut to League of Robots.]
Robot 1X: Letter for you, hyperlord
Bender: Give me that! [Written on the
wings are "from: Philip J. Fry/Heaven" and "To:
Bender".] Honeymoon's over, eh? Turns out your octopus
girlfriend is a big nag with curlers in her tentacles, huh? Well,
let's just see if Bender will take you back. [Reads the letter] Oh.
[Bender flings the "paper"
aside. It slices a trash can and Robot 1X in two, the sticks in the
Bender: Stupid electro-matter. That was
my best trash can.
Robot 1X: Pain sensor overload.
[Scene: Fry and Leela walking on Yivo.
Hermes is putting small pink flowers into a filling cabinet. Morgan
Proctor is visible in the background doing the same thing.]
Hermes: Misfile me under "U"
Zoidberg: [loading up a tray at the All
You can Eat Forever buffet table] You get an infinite number of meat
dishes, and a free refill on the soda.
Farnsworth: [writing on a chalk board
as Wernstrom watches] Eureka. Another elementary proof of the
Leela: [to Fry] Okay, I admit people
seem happy. But it's all so ... wholesome. And that's what's wrong
with heaven. It's boring. There's no sleaze.
Amazon: [in foreground dragging Zapp]
It time snu-snu.
Zapp: Me like snu-snu.
Amy: Last one to mattress island is a
[Scene: Mattress island. Leela walks
into foreground. Cut to mattress island. The Amazon, Zapp, Fry, Amy,
Kiff, Schlomo, and Hatti lounge in a big pile.]
Fry: Why were we so angry and jealous
back in our universe?
Kif: I don't know. It was all so
[Splashing sound from off screen]
Amy: Look, it's Leela.
[Leela rows up in a boat. Everyone
says "Hi Leela"]
Yivo: I'm sorry you're not happy here,
Leela. I'll call you an escalator. You'll always be my little purple
Leela: [sighing] You know, Yivo, I've
loved and lost so many times that I was afraid. But I'm not anymore.
I want to stay here, with you.
[Everyone cheers and hugs Leela. Giant
harpoons start raining down. Everyone gasps.]
Yivo: Ow! Ow!
Fry: What's happening?
Yivo: [As more harpoons on ropes come
down] Ow! Hey!
[Scene: Ropes and more harpoons come
out of the anomaly inbound for Yivo. Cut to surface of Yivo, Yivo
groans in pain. The ropes go taut and start hoisting. Cut to space,
Yivo is being pulled towards the anomaly. Cut to normals space. A
space craft that looks like a pirate ship and manned by robots is
firing harpoons into the anomaly. ]
Bender: [in a Pirate outfit at the
wheel of the ship] If robots can't go to heaven, heaven can come to
[Robots turn a capstan, pulling Yivo
through the anomaly]
Bender: All hands abaft. Army of the
damned, prepare to board heaven.
[Robots storm Yivo. A battle ensues.]
Bender: Take that, you scurvy Kraken.
That'll teach you to despoil our human booty. [Yivo is rising behind
him. Yivo is revealed to have a giant beak.]
Bender: Hello, big beak.
[Bender pulls out a sword with a pink
edge and begins fighting Yivo.]
Bender: [Jumping past the beak] Too
slow ... missed me again. [Jumps again, Yivo severs a footcup] Argh,
me footcup. I'll stab you.
Fry: Bender, stop destroying heaven.
Bender: Shut up, doofy. I'm rescuing
you. [Stabs Yivo several times. Then gets grabbed by a tentacle.]
Yivo; [Banging Bender head first on the
ground] Leave my living beings alone! I love them. Something you, a
lifeless mechanism, will never understand.
Fry: He's right, Bender. Please, take
your little pink sword and go home.
Bender: Seriously? But, I did this
whole pirate-themed attack for you.
Yivo: Wait a second. Let me see that
sword. [Yivo takes the sword from Bender and examines the pink edge.]
Fry, where did he get this electro-matter? [The pink edge of the
sword is Fry's letter to Bender].
Fry: Um ... (coughs) Is it dry up here?
Yivo: How could you, Fry? Why do you
think I asked you not to contact other universes?
Fry: I ... I didn't think ...
Yivo: No, you didn't. You broke your
promise and you broke my heart. Just go. All of you.
[Tentacles start picking up people and
herding them all on the the pirate ship.]
Yivo: (to Fry as the ship departs) I
must leave now. The nature of your universe is burning me, even worst
than my gonorrhea. You should get checked, by the way. If I don't go
home now, I'll shkluffocate.
Fry: Let me go with you. It'll be just
the two of us. We'll make a fire and play Uno.
Yivo: Fry, stop. That's who we were,
not who we are.
Fry: But ...
Yivo: My only consolation is that I did
find one among the quadrillions who truly understands me.
Fry: Colleen? Wait a second, are you
an Yivo ...
Colleen: That's right, Fry. Thank you
for introducing us. Yivo has taught me what a narrow minded prude I
Fry: Oh, great. So what am I supposed
to do now?
Yivo: Go home. Find a girl from your
own universe and live on top of her.
[Bender flies by and scoops a Fry up in
Beeder: Saved you! [laughs]
[Scene: The ship flies away from Yivo
as Yivo passes back through the anomaly which closes up afterwards.
Pull back through ships porthole to Fry.]
Fry: Maybe Yivo was right. Maybe I
should look for love closer to home. I don't know, Leela, you think
Leela: Oh, please. You forgot me quick
enough when you met Colleen.
Fry: That's true. How about you, Amy?
Amy: Fry, guh! I'm Kif's Fonfon Ru.
Kif: Are you? Well, then perhaps you
misunderstood the meaning of the term. It means "One who doesn't
sleep with my superior officer". That's the literal
Zapp: Give the poor girl a break, Kif.
It's not like she had a dictionary. She was butt naked, for God's
[Kiff sighs, slugs Zapp in the gut, and
Farnsworth: So, Wernstrom, did you
happen to notice those mighty cables Bender used on Yivo? Pure
Wernstrom: More like pure crap-crapium.
No wonder Yivo got away. [Laughs. Then gets hit in the head with
Farnsworth's dentures. The whole group is arguing. A whistle blows.]
Enemabot: Captain on Deck.
Bender: At east, buckos.
Fry: Bender, why did you do it? We were
all so happy.
Leela: And we were in love.
Bender: (scoffing) That wasn't love.
Fry: What? How can you say that?
Bender: Because Bender know love. And
love doesn't share itself with the world. Love is suspicious, love is
needy, love is fearful, love is greedy. My friends, there is no
great love without great jealousy.
[Bender hugs Fry and Leela, practically choking them.]
Bender: I love you meatbags.