Episode Transcript

5ACV07: The Beast With A Billion Backs, part 3
Transcribed by Red_Line

[Scene: Earth, NNY street. A crowd murmurs and points at the anomaly in the sky. A purple tentacle pushes through the anomaly and waves around. It begins to expand. The crowd screams.]

Mayor Poopenmeyer: Look! Up in the sky!

Hermes: It's a bird!

Hattie: It's a plane!

A guy in a Superman-like costume: I am so outta here! [He flies away].

[Scene: Interior of PE. Amy, in a black sweat suit, hugs a picture of Kif. The telephone rings.]

Electronic Voice: Incoming call from Mars.

Amy: Hello?

[Inez Wong appears in holographic projection]

Inez: Why you so sad, Amy?

Amy: My husband died, Mom!

Inez: Yeah, yeah, snap out of it already. No one likes a widow.

[A purple tentacle appears in the picture.]

Inez: Oh, wait. Hang on. Some damn tentacle got in the screen door.

[Inez screams. The pictures goes blank and the line goes dead.]

[Scene: Zoidberg's office.]

Electronic Voice: Collect call from Decapod 10. Will you pay for color?

Zoidberg: No! ... Uncle Zoid! What's new? You still doing theater for the blind and deaf?

Uncle Zoid: Screw them. I got a part in a fancy DVD movie! It's only one line, but I'm gonna ham it up like you wouldn't believe.

[A tentacle waves around above his head]

Uncle Zoid: (exclaiming) What crummy sin have I committed to be chastised in such a crazy manner?

[Screen goes to snow and noise, Uncle Zoid is heard screaming.]

Zoidberg: Hello? Hello? Call me back on my shell phone! [Holds a shell up to his ear]

[Scene: Space, Nimbus is firing lasers at the tentacles coming out of the anomaly.]

Zapp: (VO) Captain's log, stardate, the year of the tiger. The battle has been bravely fought, and the suffering of our troops beyond measure. But the alien is invulnerable, and our defeat inevitable. That much is obvious, even from my remote command post here at the Times Square Applebee's.

[Scene: Zapp is sitting in a restaurant working a joy stick.]

Zapp: Waiter! Take this fried mozzarella back to the kitchen and fry it some more.

[Zapp resumes working the joystick and he sips a drink and watches the anomaly through the window. Cut to video game like display of tentacles pushing through defensive lines of ships. Pull back to reveal Nixon's office.]

Nixon: Aroooo. The tentacle's coming towards Earth and there's no stopping it. King Kong's too old to save us this time.

Farnsworth: We have only one hope, Mr. President. We must encase the entire planet in a protective sphere of my patented, ultra-hard diamondium!

Wernstrom: Diamondium? (scoffs) I could gum through that with my dentures behind my back. My trademarked diamondillium is twice as hard!

Farnsworth: Twice as hard as your head! Which makes it still fairly soft!

Nixon: Now look here, you Poindexters. I don't care how you decide. Just decide!

[Scene: exterior of Deathball arena. Cut to interior of labyrinth, Farnsworth is stuck in a hole under a ball as Wernstrom looks on with a smug expression.]

Farnsworth: Diamondillium it is.

[Scene: "Caution: Men working in Space" sign floating in space. Pan to protective shield under construction around Earth.]

[Scene: League of Robots].

Bender: So, hey, Calculon, I know I'm the new guy, and, pardon my ignorance, but when do we kill all humans?

Calculon: Never.

Bender: But what about out motto? Doesn't it mean anything? [Glances at "Kill All Humans" sign.]

Calculon: (laughing) Oh, Bender, your idealism is heartwarming. But the League of Robots hasn't killed a human in over 800 years. And that was a very sick girl scout.

[Robots agree]

Moustachbot: Quite sick indeed.

Calculon: Sweet, innocent Bender.

[Scene: Space crane. Sal lowers the last segment of the protective sphere into place. Cut to Times Square, crowd watches the sphere completion on the Jumbotron.]

Wernstrom: I declare my impenetrable diamondillium sphere complete! [Crowd cheers]

Farnsworth: Now look here, Wernstrom. You're making it sound as if the sphere was your idea when we both know ... [Sounds of glass breaking, tentacles are waving through holes broken in the sphere.] .. it was! All credit to my colleague, Ogden Wernstrom!

[The tentacle plunges into the road and starts branching out. The crowd runs in panic.]

H.G. Blob: It's horrible!

[Scenes of people fleeing from the tentacle, including PE crew.]

Zoidberg: I can't make it! Go one without me!

Leela: I'm trying! [Zoidberg has her foot. He grunts and drags him along slowly].

Zoidberg: Go on without me faster!

[PE Crew run into ship and lift off just ahead of tentacles. The ship files upwards, impacts the sphere, crunches like a can, and fall back to earth. The crew runs out of the ship in time to see a large tentacle on the speakers platform. Everyone gasps. The tentacle "evacuates" Fry, who has a tentacle in the back of his neck. ]

Hermes: (VO) Sweet squid of Madrid! The tentacle got Fry!

Leela: Quick, hand me my machete! We can still save his legs!

[Fry opens his eyes. The crows screams.]

Fry: Silence! I have traveled far and seen deep, and I have come to know the purpose of our existence.

Randy: Finally.

Fry: Thou shalt love the tentacle!

Farnsworth: Well, at least we don't have to love one another.

Fry: A new age has begun. The age of the tentacle! Open your necks and receive the love!

[The tentacle begins to grab people by the backs of their necks. Mr. Vogel drops out of a transport tube and the tentacle attaches to him and carries him away.]

Vogel: Ow, my neck!

[ditto Morgan Proctor]

Morgan: Ow, my neck!

[Fishy Joe drops out of the tube.]

Fishy Joe: My next feels perfectly ... [Tentacle attaches to him] ... Ow, my neck!

[Scene: People getting grabbed by tentacles. Mayor Pooenmeyer runs up to a but shelter.]

Poopenmeyer: Someone help me! I'm important. [A tentacle attaches to him] Ohhh! Say, I love the tentacle.

Hattie: I also love the neck-a-majigger!

[Scene: Planet Express building draped in tentacles. Cut to interior.]

Leela: (OS) hi-Ya! [door bursts open, she's carrying Farnsworth and Wernstrom. She dumps them on the floor and slams the doors just ahead of a bunch of tentacles.]

[Scene: Amy dives in through a window, tripping as she does so. She slams the window just as tentacles strike the outside. Hermes runs in through a door screaming. He slams the door. Zoidberg crawls in through a pet flap.]

Zoidberg: Hooray, Zoidberg escaped! [A tentacle gets him] Hooray, Zoidberg loves the tentacle! [Tentacle drags Zoindberg out].

[Scene: PE lounge.]

Hermes: It got Zoidberg!

Farnsworth: Oh, I never knew how much I'd miss him until he was gone! Not that much as it turns out.

[A knocking sound is heard. Leela, holding a eay gun, gasps. Fry is floating outside the window.]

Fry: Thus sayeth the tentacle, "Verily, thou shalt rejoice in the house of the tentacle."

Leela: Fry, listen to yourself. You've been brainwashed.

Fry: No, I'm just trying to fit my diction to the importance of what I'm saying. Please, let me speak.

[A red dot appears on his forehead. It's the laser sight of Leela's gun.]

Leela: I'm listening.

Fry: Don't be afraid of the tentacle, Leela. It's beautiful and it loves me. And I love it.

[A second dot appears right between Fry's eyes.]

Leela: [holding two guns] Aw. That's so nice for both of you.

Fry: I know it may seen strange that I have feelings for an octopus monster from another universe. And yes, perhaps it's not the storybook romance that's been crammed down our throats by Hollywood. But the Monsterpus has loved us from afar since we were amoebas. Only when the space anomaly opened ... [in background, Leela slips her right foot out of her boot and aims a third gun at Fry] ... could it finally express a billion years of longing.

Leela: Really? It loves us that much? [Turning to Amy] Fire diamondium cannon!

[Amy presses a button. The tower of the PE building rotates and fires diamondium shells at Fry, who dodges, screaming and yelling, on the tentacle.]

Fry: Hey!

Leela: No effect! The crystals are bouncing off the tentacle like meatballs off Mothra.

Wernstrom: Oh, what a surprise. I told you diamondium was worthless!

Farnsworth: Wernstrom, quit hyping your cheap diamondillium and look at this.

[A single yellow light is blinking on a panel.]

Wernstrom: uh-oh.

Hermes: What-oh?

Farnsworth: According to this blinking light, the tentacle is made of electro-matter, matter's bad-ass grandma! Nothing from out universe can cut through it. Not diamondium, no diomondillium, not even your wife's pound cake, Hermes! [Laughs. To Wernstrom] She's a terrible cook. [To group] Anyway, we're all dead.

[Scene: NNY street. People on tentacles float in the air while those not yet assimilated run around screaming. Pan to exterior of the Robot Arms. Cut to interior for Bender and Fry's apartment.]

Bender: [sighing] So, Bender, is something wrong? Who said that? Oh, it was me! 'Cause my roommate doesn't notice or even care that I'm upset!

Fry: [on tentacle] What Bender? Is something wrong?

Bender: Yes! I joined a club I thought was cool, but it turns out all the leaguie-weegies are totally lame. That's what we call ourselves, "leaguie-weegies".

Fry: I'm sorry. I should've asked what was bothering you. I've been kind of preoccupied.

Bender: With what?

Fry: Well, I went to another universe, and I fell in love with a giant octopus, and now I'm pope of a new religion.

Bender: Weren't you already pope of something?

Fry: No.

Bender: Oh. Well, I'm just saying I'd like you to show and interest in my life, too.

Fry: Okay, let's catch up soon. But right now, I gotta go shove a tentacle into everyone in China.

[Fry give a couple of yanks on the tentacle and it whisks him way through the window. Bender looks sad. Cut to exterior of PE building, tentacles are everywhere.]

Linda: (on TV) They're coming! Those horrible, horrible things are coming! Morbo.

Morbo: (on TV) As the universe falls prey to the revolting alien, only a few isolated pockets of resistance remain.

Linda: (on TV, laughing, with tentacle in her neck): Those pockets sure are missing out on a great thing.

[Morbo laughs nervously, then runs in fear. TV picture is replaced by a test pattern. Pull back to reveal PE lounge with everyone sleeping. Amy is sleeping in a chair on a table holding a ray gun reminiscent of a Thompson machine gun. She snorts and wakes up.]

Amy: What?

[Amy begins shooting wildly at random. Leela wakes up and starts shooting. Farnsworth, Wernstrom, and Scruffy cower. Leela and Amy shoot up the place.]

Leela: Amy?

Amy: Sorry. I thought I saw a tentacle, but it was just a harmless land squid. (sighs) I better have some cocoffee.

[A tentacle comes out of the coffee machine. Amy screams and runs. Hermes comes out of the bathroom pulling up his pants. A tentacle waves from the toilet.]

Hermes: When I gave up diapers, my parents promised exactly this would never happen!

Leela: Nobody panic. Just get to the panic room.

[Leela fires on the tentacles. Cut to exterior of a cathedral-like building apparently made of tentacles. Cut to interior. Fry, dressed in a pope-like costume is addressing the crowd.]

Fry: Well done people! We had a great first week. We got 90% of world leaders, everyone who bought a Hanes undershirt, and this year's most promising new R&B group, give it up for the Grammy-nominated Funkalistics!

Funkalistics: (harmonizing) Talkin' 'bout the tentacle ...

[Cut to PE. Leela shakes herself awake and drinks a can of "Red Minatour".]

Fansworth: (OS) Good news, everyone! [Carrying a box] I was up all night inventing, and then finally, I invented!

Amy: Invented what?

Farnsworth: The neck protector, the next protector junior, and now, for a limited time, the lady neck protector!

Hermes: I'll take two. My neck is huge.

Farnsworth: We're perfectly safe now. Time to stop living like a bunch of nervous nellies. [Farnsworth deactivates the security system around PE.]

Leela: Professor, these look like you cut them from cardboard toilet paper tubes.

Farnsworth: So? Lots of important inventions are made from toilet paper tubes. [Hanger roof opens above him] Microscopes, the internet, tentacle polish ... [Farnsworth has a tentacle. Leela gasps.].

Leela: It got the professor!

[Farnsworth laughs dementedly while the crew screams.]

Hermes: Wait. Why am I screaming? It got me too.

[Leela and Amy run. They burst from a window on Amy's party board followed by Wernstrom on a tentacle.]

Wernstrom: Stop, in the name of love!

[Chase through the streets of NNY, Amy and Leela make a turn, Wernstrom gets his tentacle wrapped around a sign post.]

[Scene: NNY street corner. People go about their business in a peaceful and orderly manner, all with tentacles attached. Leela peeks out from an alley. Cut to interior of alley, Leela and Amy sit behind a dumpster.]

Leela: Crud. We may be the last two normal people on Earth. At least I won't have to trim my elbow talons anymore.

Amy: I'm scared! And I miss Kif! (sobs)

Leela: It's OK to cry Amy. Come here [puts her arm around Amy] I'm wearing absorbent shoulder straps.

Zapp: (OS) Mmmmm. [From dumpster] What an erotic display of girl-on-girl consoltaion.

Leela: Zapp?

Zapp: Hurry, Leela, we don't have must time to begin repopulating Earth. Go brush your teeth. I'll be waiting for you naked under this quesadilla.

[Hermes floats by the mouth of the alley on a tentacle. Leela, Amy, and Zap gasp.]

Hermes: Stop resisting, my brethren! Don't you want to be part of something bigger than yourselves? Like a big crazy monster?

[Zapp whimpers as Leela backs up. Cut to cathedral.]

Fry: So we got her, huh? Bring her in!

Zoidberg: Do it already!

[Smitty and Scruffy drag in a resisting Colleen]

Fry: Hello, Colleen.

Colleen: Fry, please! If this is about your futon, I dold it to pay the 'phone bill that you skipped out on!

[Cut to copy of telephone bill showing $6,421.12 of calls to Dial-A-Joke.]

Fry: Colleen wasn't satisfied with me. Were you, Colleen?

Colleen: Come on Fry, this isn't cool!

Fry: She had to have four other boyfriends! I guess she never thought I'd become tentacle pope of the world!

Colleen: You know what? It's true. You weren't enough for me! No one man is! You were great, but you weren't Chinese, you weren't Cameroonian, and you certainly were not the "king of karaoke" as you so often claimed. And if your ego can't take that, then you don't deserve to be tentacle pope of anything!

Fry: Oh yeah, Colleen? Well, I've got one thing to say to you. ... I completely agree!

Colleen: You, you ... What?

Fry: Why should you be satisfied with one man when love needs to share itself with the whole universe?

Colleen: Wow, Fry. You know, that's really ...

[Fry shows her a tentacle. She screams. The tentacle attaches to her neck.]

Fry: Love the tentacle, honey.

Colleen: I do love the tentacle.

[Fry and Colleen hug]

Fry: Come on out, guys! There's enough love for everybody!

[Group hug with other four boyfriends]

Zoidberg: Aw. [Vomits into two buckets]

[Scene: Leela, Amy and Zapp running down an alley with tentacles in pursuit. They leap a wall.]

Amy: We're trapped!

[Leela keys up her wristamajiggy]

Leela: Help, help! Is anyone out there?

Bender: (OS) Bender to Leela. I read you. [Pan to Bender standing just around the corner] 'Sup, bigboots?

Leela: Bender, we need a place to hide!

Amy: Please!

Zapp: Pretty please!

Bender: [laughing] You humans are so cute when you're scared. [Bender opens a metal door] In here. [Leela, Amy, and Zapp rush in. Bender closes the door. Pull back to reveal that it's the leg of Destructor.]

Destructor: My leg feels funny!

[Scene: League of Robots. A robot is pouring a glass of "Serial Port" for Bender.]

Bender: Humans are disgusting! I opened one up once. I almost barfed.

Destructor: Did you know their hair just keeps growing and growing? My leg feels funny!

[Interior of Destructor's leg.]

Amy: Leela, you're crushing me with your rock-hard butt.

Leela: (whispering) Sorry.

Zapp: Mmm. I can only imagine what rock-hard part of Leela is crushing me. [A mechanical part of Destructor is punching him in the back of the head]

[Scene: Calculon walks up the firepalce.]

Calculon: Anyone mind if I turn up the heat a tad?

Mustachebot: Please do. I fear I'll catch a rust from the awful damp.

[Calculon turn up the thermostat. Fire belches out of the fireplace. Benders port starts boiling.]

Bender: [sipping the port] Ahhhh.

[Scene: Interior of Destructor's leg. Zapp is sweating.]

Zapp: I can't take it! I'm being steamed in my own velour!

[Leela sticks her foot in his mouth and shushes him. Cut to Bender in front of firepalce]

Bender: [raising glass in a toast] Death to humans!

[The door in Destructor's leg pops open and Leela, Amy, and Zap fall out]

Destructor: My leg feels better.

Amy: Ah, Hi Bender.

Calculon: Bender, you know these humans?

Bender: Of course not! uh Who are you humans and why am I pointing you to the exit? (whispering) Go, go, go!

Leela: Thanks for everything, Bender!

Bender: Death to all of you.

Calculon: Bender, methinks thou doth protest too much.

Hedonsimbot: It seems Bender hates humans the way I hate having my nipples polished with industrial sandpaper.

[Robots laugh.]

Mustachebot: Quite right.

Calculon: It's okay, Bender, to err is ... human.

[Robots laugh. Bender stalks back to Calculon.]

Bender: Sir, you forget yourself. [takes his hand off and slaps Calculon's face with it.]

[Robots gasp.]

Bender: I challenge you to a duel on the field of honor.

Hedonismbot: Oh My! [Falls over]

[Scene: Leela, Amy, and Zapp running through the woods.]

Zapp: (whispering to Leela) Leela, it's getting dark. We may have to make a tent out of Amy's skin.

Amy: Look, there's an abandoned cabin!

Zapp: Even so.

[Scene: cabin interior. Lots of empty soup cans and a bath tub.]

Leela: We're in luck. This must have been the cabin of a soup bootlegger back in the days of soup prohibition.

Zapp: (sipping contents of the bathtub) Oh, yeah. Bathtub minestrone.

[Scene: Amy is sitting on the porch of the cabin under a crescent moon, looking sad. Cut to Leela sleeping, silhouette of Amy visible through the window.]

Amy: (sobbing) Poor Kif! I can't believe he's gone forever!

Zapp: Ditto on the grief there, Amy.

Amy: You miss him, too?

Zapp: More than you, as his mere wife, could ever understand. He was my fourth lieutenant for God's sake, and bore the peppermill at the captain's table.

Amy: Really?

Zapp: Oh, Amy, I miss him so! Hardly a month goes by that I don't think of him. But you know, in a way, he's still with us. [Amy looks around.] Do you feel his presence?

Amy: I'm not sure.

Zapp: It's over here. [Amy moves closer to Zapp] Closer.

[Scene: exterior of Cabin in the morning. Leela is pulling a bucket up from the well. Cut to interior, Leela is carrying a tray with three bowls on it, knocking on doors.]

Leela: Amy! Zapp! I fetched up some fresh soup! [The second door opens revealing Zapp and Amy in Bed together. Leela screams in surprise and drops the tray. Zapp and Amy wake up startles.]

Zapp: Sorry you had to find out like this, Leela. I was hoping you'd see it on YouTube first.

[Leela shudders and points. Tentacles are coming up from both sides of the bed.]

Zapp: As my ex-lover, you're naturally shocked and jealous, but you may well get your chance again someday. How about today, at 4:00? [Tentacle attaches to Zapp, then Amy.]

Amy: Hey, this isn't so bad.

Zapp: She's right. Leela, you must try the tentacle. It's like my soul is wearing a velour body glove.

[A tentacle breaks through the floor at Leela's feet and wraps around her]

Leela: Get off me! I'm saving my neck for a rich, handsome Dracula.

[Leela slips from the tentacle's grasp. In it's frenzy to get her, it ties itself in a knot and a piece breaks off, dropping at Leela's feet. ]

[Scene: Exterior PE, surrounded by tentacles. Cut to interior of Lounge. Hermes and the Professor are playing a checkers like game using pakman like pieces.]

Farnsworth: What I love most about the tentacle is that I don't need to move my bowels anymore. It's all handled by that family in Evanston. [A bulge goes out of his tentacle, along the floor, and out the window. Outside, Leela is scaling the wall using the tentacle and passes the outbound bulge. She swings to an adjacent window and enters. Cut to the darkened interior of the Professor's lab, Leela places the tentacle segment into a Mr. Microscope and looks at it.]

Leela: No, it's can't be.

[The light snaps on and Farnsworth appears in the doorway, surrounded by tentacles.]

Farnsworth: Leela, what's your favorite thing about the tentacle? [Gasps) You don't have a tentacle! Get her! Get her some love! [The tentacles close in on Leela as she whimpers]

[Scene: Tentacle cathedral. Amy and Colleen prepare Fry. Enter Zoidberg carrying a clipboard and a staff.]

Zoidberg: You're on in five minutes, Excellency. You sure you don't want your comedy pope staff? [The staff curls up and makes a slide whistle noise]

Fry: The tentacle monster is about the address the world. It's too serious.

Zoidberg: Oh. [The staff curls up and makes a slide whistle noise]

Leela: Hello, Fry.

Fry: Leela? How did you get past my sumo ninjas?

Leela: I told them something so shocking that they let me by.

Fry: What's that?

Leela: I love the tentacle. [Leela turns to reveal a purple thing attached to the back of her neck]

[Cut to main hall, TV cameras float.]

Zoidberg: We're rolling in three, two ...What? We're already rolling? [Sneaks out of picture]

Fry: Love the tentacle!

Crowd: Love the tentacle!

Fry: Loved ones, the Monsterpus has revealed unto me its name.

Morbo: What is out love's name?

Fry: Yivo. Yivo is the lover of all beings, male and female. But Yivo has no gender, thus Yivo has proclaimed that instead of "he" or "she", we are to use the word "shklee". And instead of "him" or "her", we are to use the word "shklim" or "shkler".

Hermes: (to Farnsworth) Phew! I've been sweating the nomenclature all week.

Fry: So here shklee is shklerself, Yivo!

[The crowd cheers]

[Fry rises up and opens his mouth. A tentacle comes out of it. A mouth forms on the end.]

Yivo: Attention, beings of Universe Gamma.

Zoidberg: Where?

Yivo: Here.

Zoidberg: I had a hunch.

Yivo: I am Yivo. In your universe, you are many, but in my universe, I am one.

[Scene: Times Square, a crowd watches on the Jumbotron.]

Yivo: (on TV) For a trillion years I dwelt in solitude, content with my job and my stamp collecting,

[Scene: Bar on nude beach from BBS, crowd watches on TV.]

Yivo: (on TV) but then I looked across immensity ...

[Scene: Lurrr and NdNd watching TV]

Yivo: (on TV) ... and saw the big bang, and I was, like, ...

[Scene: Fry and Yivo]

Yivo: Whoa, who's that? And I knew then that I was lonely.

Morbo: (crying) You poor monster!

Yivo: Then your emissary Fry came unto me, and he, too, was lonely. So I reached into your universe that we might feel each other's touch.

Leela: Hey, Yivo, feel this. [She pulls the "tentacle" out of her neck, which is revealed to be an "Apex Garden Hose (The Gopher Drowner)", and shoots water at Fry. Fry falls as Leela runs towards him, the crowd gasps.]

Leela: Hi-ya! [She knocks Fry and Yivo down with a flying kick.]

Yivo: Ow!

Leela: People of everywhere, I have shocking news.

Yivo: Hey, but out. This is between me and everyone else in existence.

Leela: Yivo talks a lot about love, but what he's actually doing ...

Hermes: (whispering) What shklee's actually doing.

Leela: ... is mating with you!

[The crowd gasps and murmers]

Leela: [holding up the tentacle segment] These aren't tentacles. They're genticles.

Fry: Ewwww!

Transcribed: 2008/10/03