Episode Transcript

5ACV06: The Beast With A Billion Backs, part 2
Transcribed by Red_Line

[Scene: Our Motherboard of Mercy Robot Hospital. Cut to a room with Bender in bed,and a nurse hanging an IV of Olde Fortran malt liquor.]

Bender: I can't remember anything except a blinding light and a searing ass pain. I better check my black box.

Bender: [recording on black box] The light! It's blinding! And the ass pain! It's searing!

Bender: So that's what happened.

Amy: Hey Bender! Look who's here to cheer you up.

Bender: I don't need cheering up. I'm perfectly ...

Calculon: Greetings, sick fan.

Bender: (gasping) TV's Calulon! (coughs)

[Photographers take pictures through doorway]

Calculon: You poor, mangled husk of what was once a robot! What right hath fate to pluck a sweet, dimple-cheeked mechanism in the flower of his youth? And ... scene. There, that was some free acting for you. [Staff claps] Ordinarily to acting like that you'd have to sit through a tampon commercial.

[Scene: Hospital hallway, Judge Whitey is in a wheelchair and casts surrounded by photographers.]

Calculon: That fulfill my community service, right?

Judge Whitey: Charges of running me over are hereby dismissed! [Bangs his gavel on his leg cast, which crumbles] Ow!

[Scene: Upscale Human Domicile #2487 descending to the sound of people screaming.]

Colleen: Where did we go wrong, Fry? We were meant to be together! (sobs)

Shlomo: (in background wearing only a towel) Nu, I'm freezing my tokhes off here.

Colleen: Just a sec, honey!

[Fry sighs. Montage of a sad and depressed Fry walking though a park surrounded by couples kissing, feeding pigeons who ignore the food and kiss, and finally in a Psychiatrist's office where the doctor is ignoring him and kissing a man. Fade to Fry in an arcade playing a video game called "Normal Combat" on which the fighting characters start kissing. Cut to Planet Express, Bender enters with Wheelchair-like wheels on his ass.]

Bender: I'm back, idiots! [Crew cheers]

Zoidberg: You look wonderful, robot! I wish I cold afford to go to a hospital. I'm dreadfully sick. [Sneezes and expels yellowish gak all over Hermes and Amy. Bender laughs and hangs his wheels on a coat rack.]

Bender: I feel great, and I owe it all to Calculon. His visit really inspired me. I finally know what I want to be when I grow up.

Hermes: You want to costar in his TV show? Like that time you already did that?

Bender: No. I'm gonna be a stalker!

Leela: That's no really a career. More of a felony.

Bender: [Bringing up a Calculon web page on the Professor's terminal] Man, I'm gonna stalk your brains out. Oh! Big news on the Calulon fansite. There's a flash mob headed for his plastic surgeon's office!

[Cut to Doctor's office. A doctorbot is doing something with a wrench]

Doctorbot: There, that's a big as I can make it. But I caution you, it looks completely unrealistic.

Calculon: You let me worry about that. Just do your job.

Doctorbot: Very well. Will you be using your SAG insurance?

Calculon: No, cash. I'd like to be discreet.

[Door bursts open and a group of people and Bender take pictures]

Calclon: [pulling sheet up over himself] Dear God, no!

Bender: Neat!

Someone in crowd: Get a shot of that!

Fatbot: Oh boy, oh boy, he's here.

Woman: (wearing a Calulon shirt and Calculon link antennas on her head) Calculon, I love you! Have my baby!

Calculon: Back, you lunatic. [Smaks the woman in the face, pushing her to the floor]

Woman: He touched me!

Bender: Oh! Sign my ass ...

[Calculon throws the doctorbot at the crowd. Cut to anomaly. Pull back to reveal PE tower with smelloscope moving around and sounds of Farsworth sniffing.]

Farnsworth: (VO) Emergency! Emergency! Everyone to the calamatorium!

[Leela, Amy, Hermes, and Zoidberg run in. Zoidberg is whooping]

Fansworth: Leela, smell this.

Leela: Can I wipe it off first?

Farnsworth: No time, woman! No time!

[Leela sniffs]

Leela: Hmm. Smells like angel dust.

Farnsworth: Exactly! That's a discontinuous electromagnetic field. Ohhh, Wernstrom tried to warn me, but I was too damn stubborn! Hermes, get Wernstrom on the line so I can apologize.

[Hermes dials. Wernstrom appears on the screen.]

Wernstrom: (on screen) Ogden Wernstrom speaking.

Farnsworth: (whispering) Tell him I'm not here!

Leela: Professor!

Farnsworth: Oh, very well. (to screen) Wernstrom, I've been a vainglorious fool! If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, your tiny little heart, would you consider a scientific collaboration?

Wernstrom: (on screen) Sir, I'd be honored.

[Cut to Farnsworth's lab, a finger pushes a button and a white circular field appears above a device.]

Wernstrom: As I attempted to warn you, the laws of electromagnetism change abruptly at the anomaly. Observe. [Wernstrom pull out a tiny bot]

Bot: Play time is fun time.

Wernstrom: Not this time! [Throws the bot into the field where it disappears in a sizzling puff]

Farnsworth: My heavens! If only I'd heeded your warning, I'd have known it was impossible to cross the barrier!

Wernstrom: [prying the lid off a barrel labeled Lab Animals] But note what happens when I instead use this laboratory koala. [Throws the koala which passes through the field and out the window]

Farnsworth: It passed through unharmed. [sound of koala hitting ground outside] So living beings can enter the other universe, but electrical devices can't?

Wernstrom: My hypothesis exactly.

Farnsworth: The we must mount a second expedition without delay. Right after we blow up more robots.

Wernstrom: Agreed.

[Farnsworth and Wernstrom fling bots into the field where they explode screaming.]

Farnsworth: Play time is fun time.

[Scene: Calculon's bedroom. Calculon yawns and gets into bed. Bender is laying next to him smoking a cigar.]

Calculon: Who are you?

Bender: Bender, your biggest fan.

Calculon: Are you going to murder me?

Bender: Hmmm. Unlikely. In my mind, we're friends. This diorama proves it, see?

Calculon: Sir, your derangement is impressive. I'm appointing you my official stalker.

Bender: [shaking hands] You shan't be disappointed. Pleasant dreams.

[Scene: Exterior of the White House, a Stegosaurus is eating grass on the front lawn. Cut to interior of Oval Office.]

Farnsworth: Now that I've teamed up with my friend, Dr. Wernstrom, I feel certain we can successfully penetrate the other universe.

Wernstrom: It's the greatest scientific opportunity since you yourself sent men to the moon in 1969.

Nixon: I always regretted that. Nothing up there but dry rocks and those revolting onion men.

Farnsworth: But ...

Nixon: You East Coast intellectuals had your chance. Now beat it! From here on in, this is a military matter.

[Scene: South Street space port where the Nimbus is docked.]

Nixon: [addressing crowd] People of the universe, please welcome Rear Brigadier Zapp Brannigan. [Crowd cheers]

Zapp: Thank you, thank you. Well deserved. [to Kif] Kif, stand in that hole so I look taller. [to crowd] Ever since man first left his cave and met a stranger with a different language and a new way of looking at things, the human race has had a dream. To kill him so we don't have to learn his language or his new way of looking at things.

[The crowd cheers. Farnsworth and Wernstrom boo.]

Wernstrom: Give science a chance!

Farnsworth: Less invasions, more equations!

Nixon: Damn long-hairs. Knock some sense into them Chief O'Hallahan.

Chief O'Hallahan: Yes, sir.

[Smitty, URL and O'Hallahan are beating on Farnsworth and Wernstrom. As Fry watches, O'Hallahan's helmet falls off, revealing that it's Colleen. Fry sobs]

Fry: I can't take it, Leela. I need to go away. Far away, forever.

Leela: Aw, I know how you feel Fry. There are times when I also feel like you need to go away.

[Scene: Nimbus preparing for departure. Zap stands on a gangway waving with Kif and Amy in front.]

Amy: Be careful, my little, teeny, greeny weenie.

Zap: That's just a fungal infection .... Oh, she's talking to you, Kif.

Kif: goodby, my love.

[The Nimbus departs.]

Bender: Wow, how come humans get to do all the fun stuff? This is exactly the sort of thing that ought to be handled by (whispering to Calculon) The League of Robots.

Calculon: (laughing) That's adorable, Bender. You actually believe in the League of Robots?

Bender: You mean, there's really no such thing? Then who's there to mete out justice when an outdated robot is melted into belt buckles? Who's there to defend our honor when a rude human brings blush to a robo-virgin's cheek?

Calculon: No one.

Bender: (sadly) Oh.

[Bender sheds a tear. Cut to Amy watching the Nimbus fly away, she sheds a tear. Cut to Farnsworth still being beaten who sheds a tear. Zoom to rear of Nimbus with Fry in "stowaway hatch 35" who sheds a tear. Cut to interior of PE at night, Bender is at a desk with a candle and a quill pen]

Bender: (writing) Now that I know robots are worthless, with no League of Robots to protect us from the fleshy menace known as man, I have resolved to kill myself. In lieu of flowers, please beat yourselves in the face with rusty chains. Your friend, Bender.

[Bender pins the note on a surface which turns out to be Zoidberg]

Zoidberg: Ow.

[Scene: Bender enters a suicide booth.]

Booth: Please select mode of death.

Bender: Clumsy bludgeoning, please.

Booth: You have selected clumsy bludgeoning. For an additional ten dollars would you like your eyes scooped out with a melon-baller?

Bender: What the heck, I'll treat myself.

[Cut to Nimbus which stops before the anomaly. An access port marked "Lint Trap" opens and Fry, in a space suit, floats out. Jets fire and he heads towards the anomaly. Cut to interior of Nimbus' bridge.]

Zap: Enemy in range. Prepare to launch universe-to-universe missile.

Kif: Preparing to launch U.U.M.

[Kiff breaks glass and pushes a button. A missile is loaded into a launch tube as crewmen run out of the way screaming.]

Zap: Hell of a thing to send a universe to certain doom. Fun, though. Make a man feel big.

[Cut to suicide booth. Bender taps foot.]

Bender: Come on, come on, I didn't ask to die of boredom!

[The floor opens and Bender drops screaming.]

Booth: You are now dead. Please take your receipt.

[Scene: Dark. Bender is heard banging and crashing.]

Bender: What's ... What's happening?

[A candle is lit. Bender in on the floor surrounded by cloaked figures]

Figure: Kneel before the candle.

Bender: Don't hurt me! I'll betray anyone!

Figure: Bender Bending Rodriguez ...

[Bender whimpers. The figure removed his hood to reveal he's Calculon]

Calculon: Welcome to the League of Robots!

[Bender gasps, sucking the candle out.]

[Scene: Fry drifts up to the anomaly. Pull back to Nimbus. Cut to interior of the bridge. The missile is entering the tube.]

Zap: Ready? ... And .... F ....

[Kiff stops just before he presses the button. Zap laughs.]

Zap: Almost fooled you there. [Kif sighs]. Fire!

[The missile jams in the tube. And alarms goes off.]

Female voice: (OS) Missile jam. Missile jam.

Zap: [Turning to a female crew person] I heard you the first time, Francine.

Female: Sorry.

Zap: Kif, climb down there and un-jam it, would you? Be a dear.

[Kiff sighs]

Zap: And stop sighing so much.

[Kif climbs into the missile tube and goes to work. Cut to Bender surrounded by cloaked robots].

Calculon: Tell us, Bender. Are you worthy of membership in the League?

Bender: Worthier than the average robot.

Calculon: Then prove it. [Gestures towards a rock wall that opens revealing a stairway] Upon each step is a test.

Bender: Okay, but if it's culturally biased, I'm suing your ass.

Calculon: Test number one. The test of the beer mug.

Mustachebot: Quite right, quite so.

All: Drink the mug! Drink the mug!

Bender: I accept your challenge. [Pours the beer down and throws the mug. Robots cheer. Bender climbs up a step.]

Hedonismbot: The test of the flagon!

All: Drink the flagon! Drink the flagon!

Bender: Uh, are all the tests going to involve drinking?

Calculon: It never occurred to me before, but yes.

Bender: Woooo! Just like med school.

[Bender drinks the flagon as the robots cheer. Cut to Nimbus Bridge.]

Zap: Ready yet Kif?

Kif: Just give me one more ...

[Zap repeatedly punches the Fire button. The missile suddenly retracts it's support struts trapping Kif's hands. The tube door closes, trapping his feet.]

Kif: Oh, no.

[The missile fires, stretching a groaning Kif. Cut to League of Robots stairway littered with empty booze containers.]

Billionairebot: The test of the infinitely priceless 1,000 year old brandy.

[Billionairebot places a single drop of brandy into a snifter. Bender drinks, crushes the snifter, the grabs the flask and drinks it. Cut to Claculon who opens a door.]

Calculon: Presenting our newest member.

[A group of robots cheer.]

Fender: That's right, baby!

Bender: Hot diggity daffodil!

[Scene: Fry drifts right up to the edge of the anomaly and reaches out to touch it.]

Fry: And so, to everyone and everything I've ever known, I say my last goodbye.

[The missile comes to a stop right next to Fry.]

Kif: Hello. So, uh, how are you Fry?

Fry: Pretty good. You?

Kif: Well ... Oh.

[The missile starts to move backwards. Fry sighs and passes through the anomaly. The missile, being pulled by Kif, reenters the tube. Cut to Nimbus bridge, Zap is making himself a sandwich. The missile breaks through and we hear Kif go splat. Green guk splatters around the bridge some of it landing on Zap's sandwich. Zap takes a bite.]

Zap: Mmmmm. Kif, get over here. You've got to try this!

[Scene: PE, Amy and Leela are in black, Hermes is in a black suit jacket and plaid kilt. There is a jar of green goo on the table and Amy is sobbing.]

Amy: At least Kiffy died quickly.

Hermes: Yes, but according to the Old Farmer's Wikipedia, the amazing thing about Kif's species is that the remains continue suffering for up to six hours after death.

Amy: (crying) That's so interesting!

Bender: Don't ask where I was last night. For all you know, I was at home, perhaps baking a strudel. [See's Amy crying] What's her problem? Somebody die or something?

Leela: Kif's dead, Bender.

Bender: Nailed it!

[Scene: PE ship flies towards Amphibios 9. Cut to Funeral on the surface. Kif's uniform and urn are on a table.]

Zap: My condolences, Amy. Allow me to present you with the last known photo of Lieutenant Kroker.

[Hands her a framed photo of Kif in the process of getting smashed by the missile. Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Wong with two clouds of hookworms.]

Inez: We so sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Kroker. Terrible shame about Froggy.

One of Kif's parents: Thank you for your kind words.

Leo: Yeah, yeah, real sad. Want some breath spray? Cinnamon flavor, tastes like pie.

[He sprays some at each cloud. The both start coughing as individual hookworms fall to the ground. Cut to table with Kif's urn. Bender places a wreath with the letters L.O.R. on it]

Bender: This is from the league of you-don't-need-to-know.

[A green glob rises as Bender jumps back in surprise]

Grand Priestess: I am the grand funeral director!

Zoidberg: Do you validate parking?

Grand Priestess: It is always a terrible tragedy when a swarm outlives it own bulboid. So it is with great sorrow that I now commit the goo that was once Kif to the petroleum of his ancestors.

[She turns the urn upside down and shakes it.]

Leela: Whack the bottle!

Hermes: No, from the bottom! It works better!

Amy: (crying) Just stick a butter knife in it!

Grand Priestess: There, I got most of it. The burial is complete. I will now sing the sacred hymn. It's not part of the ceremony, just a little something that I wrote.

[The Grand Priestess sings in an alien language]

Bender: Next!

[Scene: Leela and Amy at Funeral.]

Amy: It may sound strange but seeing Kif's mutilated remains poured into the mud made me really sad.

Leela: Mutilation is never easy.

Amy: (crying) I don't think I'll ever love again.

Leela: Oh, you don't mean that. Love can surprise you at any time in your life.

Zap: Surprise!

[Pull back to reveal Zap laying across chairs with his head in Leela's lap. Close up of Zap's face making kisses. Leela punches him with both fists. Cut to Fry floating in space beyond the anomaly. Lightening bolts zap from cloud to cloud.]

Fry: Woah! It kid of takes your breath away.

[Fry's space suit indicates an Oxygen system failure. Lightning strikes the display, shattering it.]

[Scene: Fulcrum County Prism for concerned scientists. Farnsworth and Wernstrom are in a cell in prison jump suits and chained together.]

URL: Look alive, death row. Your saggy asses got a visitor.

Farnsworth: Regular or conjugal?

URL: She looked like a freak to me.

[Scene: visitation room. The tables and seats are all transparent prisims. Leela meets with Farnsworth and Wernstrom.

Leela: The guard operating the x-ray machine came down with a sudden case of broken neck, so I was able to bring you that delicious cake you wanted.

[Leela sets a cake on the table, point at her eye, and blinks.]

Farnsworth: I don't understand. Are you winking or blinking?

Leela: (sighs) Hang on a second. [Puts on a pair of glasses. One side winks]

Farnsworth: Got it!

[Scene: NNY street, Bender enters a storefront with a sign that reads "Horse Repair"]

Bender: Ah, Yes, I'm hear to repair my horse.

Horse repair bot: Is the horse's name (whispering) Hot Beans?

Bender: No. I mean, yes.

[Horse repair bot presses a button and Bender drops through a trap door.]

[Scene: League of Robots headquarters.]

Mustachebot: So it seem a human had been rather injured by a knife, and as his ... As his blood, you know, I think that's what they call it ...

Calculon: Quite correct, sir. Blather on!

Mustachebot: As it drained away, he said ... He said "Take me to a dock." No doubt he intended to say "doctor", but he was unable to complete his thought, you see, being as he had died. So taking him at his word, we dragged his corpse to the waterfront whereupon the seagulls fed upon it.

[Robots laugh]

Bender: Humans are dumb and they die easy!

Hedonismbot: Quite.

Billionairebot: Speaking of humans, have I shown you my new monocle? Cost me a king's ransom. Made from a king, don't you know!

Hedonismbot: Ohh, how repulsively decadent!

Billionairebot: Yes. But more importantly, it allows me to see the smiling faces of my children for the first time since I lose my vision in the horrible banking accident.

Bender: May I see that for a second? ... My, but that's interesting!

[Bender smashed the monocle with a shovel, grunting as he does so.]

Hedonismbot: I say!

Billionairebot: I'm blind!

Calculon: My God, Bender! This is a civilized organization! The rules specifically ...

Bender: May I make a point of order, President Calculon?

Calculon: Must you?

Bender: Yes. The bylaws specifically state that no human may set foot in the League of Robots! And if he has a human part, he's part human!

Hedonismbot: Oh, my! Then I too have a human part I must expel. And I plan to enjoy the experience. Ta-ta!

Mustachebot: Bender, you've rigidly applied the law with no regard for its intent. Well done! You'll got far in this organization.

Bender: Oh, you're just gettin' to know Bender.

[Scene: Roof of Fulcrum County Prism. Farnsworth and Wenstrom have the cake on a table. Farnsworth pressed some of the candles in and the cake transforms into a smelloscope. Wernstrom sniffs.]

Wenrstrom: Curses, if we could only turn up the gain, we might smell clear through to the other universe! But we can't adjust it without a screwdriver.

Farnsworth: Wait a moment. I think I was just shanked with a screwdriver!

[Farnsworth reaches around behind his back and, with some groaning, extracts a screwdriver.]

Farnsworth: Yes!

Wernstrom: A little more. ... A little less. ... Heavens to meteoroid! Smell this!

Farnsworth: Holy mother of invention!

Wernstrom: We must notify the president at once!

Farnsworth: But how can we? Oh, I wish, I wish, I wish we weren't in prison!

[Sound of a creature cawing. Pazuzu flies in over the fence]

Farnsworth: Pazuzu!

Pazuzu: You have one wish left, Professor.

[Pazuzu flies off with Farnsworth and Wernstrom on his legs. Cut to White House. Two gun mounts rise from the roof an gunners fire at Pazuzu.]

Left Gunner: I think I got him!

[Pazuzu flies by and eats him.]

Right gunner: Mmm-hmm. That's what you get for letting your guard d....

[Pazuzu flies in from behind and eats him.]

[Scene: Nixon, reading some papers.]

Nixon: Sometimes ... Always ... Never! [Farnsworth and Wernstrom walk in] You again? This better be damed important. I'm right in the middle of a Cosmo survey!

Farnsworth: You'll want to hear this, Mr. President. For we have sniffed where no man has sniffed before!

[Scene: Fry floating in space, gasping for breath. He flies clear of the "clouds". A shadow falls over him and his eyes bug out, trying to gasp. He drifts into a tentacled ball. A giant eye opens.]

Transcribed: 2008/09/27