Episode Transcript

5ACV05: The Beast With A Billion Backs, part 1
Transcribed by Red_Line

[Scene: NNY city skyline]

Narrator: Previously on Futurama ...

[The rip in the universe from Bender's Big Score is seen tearing open and we hear people screaming.]

[Cut to Intro. Caption "The proud result of prison labor"]

[Scene: Planet Express lounge. Hermes, Farnsworth, Bender, and Leela are sitting on the couch watching TV. Zoidberg is lying on the floor.]

Morbo: (on TV) It has now been one month since space ripped open like flimsy human skin. Terrified earthlings are beginning to grow exhausted.

[cut to street corner. Hattie, Mayor Poopenmeyer, and a third person are pointing skyward screaming. They yawn, and Hattie smokes, then resume screaming.]

Hermes: Professor, sprinkle us with wisdom from your mighty brain. How scared should we be?

Farnsworth: Somewhere between not at all and entirely.

Zoidberg: I call entirely. [Jumps up and screams, upsetting the coffee table. Scuttles off whooping]

Morbo: (on TV) Scientists believe the rip is a gateway to another universe, but do not know what mysteries lie beyond. However, in this reporter's opinion gruesome death awaits us all!

Linda: (on TV) [Laughing] And now with sports, here's SportsBot 5000.

SportsBot 5000: All Sports canceled.

[Cut to exterior of PE. The sides of the tower open. Cut to tower interior. Farnsworth stands in front of a console. Leela, Zoidberg, Hermes, Amy, and Kiff watch.]

Farnsworth: To better understand the anomaly, I will not focus it's radiation on a giant medium-sized ant to see what happens.

[Pull back to reveal a large any in a cage.]

Ant: What's going on here? I was told there would be sugar syrup.

Farnsworth: Quiet, you.

[Farnsworth pulls a lever. A large magnifying glass unfolds and focuses the rays. Farnsworth's head is in the way. He screams. Leela sighs, pushes the lever down, and uses a fire extinguisher on Farnsworth's burning head. Cut to door: Fry and a blond haired woman walk in.]

Fry: Oh, hey, everyone, this is Colleen.

[Everyone walks over to say Hello.]

Amy: I like your shoes.

[Bender laughs]

Bender: This is awkward, introducing your new girlfriend to Chesty McNag-nag. [laughs and points at Leela]

Leela: Oh, don't mind him. I'll turn him off.

Bender: Hey, you can't turn me off... [Leela reaches behind Bender whose speech slows down and stops. His eye shield closes and he leans back.]

Leela: Hi. I'm Leela.

Colleen: Hi Leela, hi everyone. Sorry I've been taking up so much of Fry's time. He's just so interesting. Have you seen how much cotton candy he can eat?

Farnsworth: Oh, my, yes. 5.1 pounds. That's why his blood is so good on pancakes.

Fry: Well, got to skedoodle-oodle. We're taking a cuddle-cab to Hug-a-Bunny village.

[Fry and Colleen kiss and leave. Zoidberg retches and throws up into two buckets.]

Zoidberg: This lovey-dovey stuff is making me vomit from my saltwater and freshwater stomachs.

Leela: It is pretty sickening.

Zoidberg: No, the double-vomit is a sign of joy. Fry told me how he and Colleen first met.

[Fade to hover bridge, pan down to park bench with silhouettes of Fry and Zoidberg sitting]

Zoidberg: So, how did you and Colleen first meet?

Fry: Well ...

[Fade to crowd scene looking at the anomaly on a giant screen, Fry is standing next to Colleen]

Fry: Something about seeing it on the jumbotron make it so much more real.

Colleen: It's so scary. What are you supposed to do when the whole universe is coming to an end?

Fry: I have a thought.

[Cut to Fry and Colleen in Bed.]

[Scene: PE, Farnsworth's lab. Leela switches Bender back on.]

Bender: This is gonna be juicy. [looks around] What? Oh, man.

Amy: Speaking of sappy love ... wanna tell them Kiffy?

Kif: Yes, Amy and I have a big announcement. I ... That is, we ... [stammers] Oh, I'm just so excited.

Amy: Kif has asked me to be his Fonfon Ru.

Zoidberg: Mazel tov!

Farnsworth: Wonderful!

Hermes: What the hell does that mean?

Kif: It means I've asked Amy to join my family. And you're all invited to my family swamp for our Fonfon Rubok ceremony.

Amy: If I had ever heard of it, it would have been what I had always dreamed of.

Kif: Oh! Oh! And our parents will be meeting for the first time ever.

Bender: [Gasping] That's even more awkward than Fry's two bimbos meeting each other. Count me in.

[Leela turn Bender off again. He falls on the floor.]

[Scene: PE ship in space approaching Amphibios 9. Ship lands on a platform that closes around it like a Venus Fly Trap. A flame burns through the plan in the outline of the forward landing leg, which lowers. Leela, wearing a formal dress, blow out a torch. She descends, followed by Fry and Colleen, and then Bender.]

[Scene: Wong-Kroker Fonfon Rubok ceremony. Being are gathering to the sound of bagpipes playing.]

Kif: Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Wong, aren't you excited that we're all about to be joined in a single family?

Leo Wong: You can't borrow money.

Inez Wong: [Annoyed grunt] Kiff's parents come late and we have to stand around in swamp getting eaten alive by damn bugs. [She slaps her neck]

Kif: Mrs. Wong, no. The final stage of my species' life cycle is a colony of flying hookworms. You just squashed part of my father.

[The swarm of bugs coalesces into a sphere and forms an arm-like appendage to shake hands with the Wongs.]

Kif's parent: Welcome.

Inez: Sorry. I guess you got plenty of bugs to spare though, huh?

Kif's parent: That was my left testicle.

Bender: And the awkward meter goes up another notch. [Imitates a ringing alarm bell]

[Cut to Fry and Colleen sitting at a bar drinking]

Fry: Wow, Colleen, you look so beautiful in the light of the swamp gas.

Colleen: Thanks. This is really fun. I love going to exotic worlds and getting hammered.

Fry: Me too.

Bartender: Two more Harvey Wallclimbers.

[Scene: Leela playing pong on her wrist thingy]

Zapp: Leela, I can't help but notice you're unescorted. Might I escort you behind that bush for the next five minutes?

Leela: Nothing would revolt me more.

Zapp: Then how about that shrub?

[Bagpipe amphib blows a note]

Kif: Ooh! Rubok is begun.

[Grand Priestess rises from the mud]

Grand Priestess: I am the Grand Priestess.

Fry: Aren't you also the grand midwife?

Grand Priestess: And the Grand lady. I work five jobs, all grand. Kiff of the clan Kroker, please trescend the Rubok Etlon with your Fonfon Smizmar Ru.

Kif: What?

Grand Priestess: Get in the mud.

[Kif and Amy step into the mud]

Grand Priestess: This mud is the petroleum from a billion generations of Kif's ancestors. As you become one with the ooze, so you become one with the clan Kroker.

[The Grand Priestess taps her stick twice. The mud erupts and covers everyone.]

Amy: Oh, Kif, it's like a movie with this happening in it.

[Bagpipe amphib blows another note, pops into a cloud of hookworms]

Grand Priestess: Is the best man present?

Zapp: Guilty as charged.

Grand Priestess: Kindly hose the couple.

[Zapp hoses the mud off of Kif's face, then Amy's chest]

Grand Priestess: As it was, so now it is. You may now eat the snake.

[The Grand Priestess hands Kif and Amy a two headed snake. They both bite off a head and start chewing.]

Grand Priestess: If you so choose.

[Kif and Amy spit out the snake in disgust.]

Grand Priestess: It's not part of the ceremony. I just had an extra snake. Rubok is complete. Throw the bouquet.

[Kiff pulls an organ from his belly. Everyone clamors. Kiff throws it, Colleen catches it. She and Fry smile at each other and share a “moment”.]

Zoidberg: Are you going to eat that? [Zoidberg eats the bouquet]

[Scene: Robot Arms Apartments. Fry is grooming. He dips a comb in a jar of “Barb-O-Mite” and runs it through his hair. There is a buzzing and his hair is cut and styled.]

Bender: Fry, run, run! Get over here oh, my God, oh, my God!

Fry: What? What is it?

Bender: Shut up already! Calculon's on TV.

Monique: [on TV] I beg you, Calculon, don't ring that door chime.

Calculon: [on TV] I have no choice, Monique. Whoever the blackmailer is, he lives behind this hideous yet strangely familiar door.

Butler: [on TV] Calculon residence. Oh, hello, Mr. Calculon.

Calculon: [on TV] Son of a bit. This is my house. But that means I'm blackmailing myself. Why didn't you tell me, Monique?

Monique: [on TV] I tried to, but I couldn't. Oh Calulon, I'm afraid you have a fourth personality the other three don't know about, and it and I are lovers!

Bender: [Gasps] How's Calulon going to take this, Fry, especially after that humiliating tennis tournament? ... Fry?

Fry: [adjusting his tie] I don't know Bender. Tonight's my big date with Colleen. I got to run.

Bender: But me and you like to watch together. Look, I got you a cabbage to snack on. Humans like cabbage, right?

[Fry leaves. Bender sits the cabbage next to him on the couch, draws a likeness of Fry's face on it, then smashes it to bits.]

[Scene: St. Asimov's Day Festival, 2D Tunnel of Love]

Ride operator: Step right up to the 2D Tunnel of Love. Not one, not three, but two glorious dimensions for the price of a single ticket.

[Fry and Colleen in a ride car]

Ride operator: Keep you hands in the car, shut up, and have fun.

Fry: Wow, you even look beautiful in 2D.

Colleen: I do? But from your perspective, I'm just a line segment.

Fry: A really hot line segment. So listen sweetie pie, I was thinking maybe we should take this to the next step.

Colleen: Really?

Fry: Yes, Colleen ... will you be moved in with by me?

[Colleen gasps]

[Scene: Planet Express conference room, Leela, Amy, Hermes, and Zoidberg congratulate Fry]

Leela: That's great.

Bender: You're moving in with her? Why can't she move in with us? I could just curl up at the foot of the bed. [Bender lies at Fry's feed and rubs his leg while whimpering like a dog.]

Farnsworth: Listen up, everyone. I know you've all been extremely worried about the cosmic anomaly.

Hermes: The what? Oh, right.

Farnsworth: But there's good news. We're all going to learn more about it at a scientific conference.

[Everyone screams]

[Scene: PE ship lands at the Institute for Advanced Book Learning]

Man: (to colleague) ... like a city made of marshmallow ...

Stephen Hawking's head: Welcome. I am the pickled head of Stephen Hawking on a way cool rocket.

Leela: Black hole Hawking? Wow, if I knew I was going to meet you, I would have done something with my hair.

Hawking: You should have.

[Scene: Auditorium.]

Hawking: In conclusion, I understand nothing about the anomaly, even after cashing the huge check I got for writing a book about it.

[Audience claps]

Farnsworth: I know this anomaly is terrifying, but as scientists, is it not our sworn duty to seek out knowledge even at the cost of our very lives.

Hawking: No.

Farnsworth: I say we must mount and expedition to the anomaly forthwith.

Wernstrom: I agree.

Farnsworth: Wernstrom!

Wernstrom: Professor Farnsworth is correct. Only a manned mission can ... aagh.

[A set of dentures bounces off Wernstrom's head. Farnsworth snaps his fingers and Leela hands Farnsworth another set of dentures.]

Farnsworth: Don't listen to that crackpot!

Wernstrom: But I'm agreeing with you.

Farnsworth: I'll make you eat those words, you moron! [Farnsworth spits out his dentures and makes to throw them, Leela and Hermes restrain him]

Wernstrom: I volunteer to lead the expedition. I have a squad of graduate students eager to risk their lives for a letter of recommendation. [Students clamor for the letter]

Farnsworth: Your squad sucks bosons! My team is twice as qualified and three times as expendable.

PE staff: [standing] Yeah!

Wernstrom: Oh, tough talk for someone with only one Fields Medal.

Scientists: Ooh!

Hawking: Ooh!

Farnsworth: Wernstrom, I ought to ...

[Farnsworth and Wernstrom are immobilized in a beam which emanates from Hawking's eyes.]

Hawking: I didn't know I could do that. Now quiet down and settle this like men of science.

Farnsworth: Very well.

[Scene: Exterior of Deathball Arena]

Farnsworth: (VO) Let Deathball begin!

[Scene: A Labyrinth-like game board. Cut to game maze with PE crew in blue uniforms and Wernstrom's grad students in red uniforms being chased and occasionally run over by large balls as the maze tilts. Cut to elevated glass booth with Farnsworth working the horizontal control and Wernstrom working the vertical. Cut to interior of Maze, Amy saves Fry from falling into a hole. Cut to Farnsworth and Wernstrom in booth]

Farnsworth: Go, Planet Express!

Wernstrom: Go even more, my team.

[Cut to crowd cheering. Cut to game maze. Red team pushes a ball into a hole, scoring a point.]

Fry: Leela, header! ... Ow!

[Scene: Maze, ball bounced off Bender and into a hole, scoring the blue team a point. Cut to Fry on top of a ball heading towards a Red team member also on a ball.

Colleene: Woooooo! Bust those balls!

[Fry and red team member collide, then both fall into holes with their balls. Score it tied 2 to 2]

Zoidberg: Hooray! We're equally good!

[Red team and blue teams are both pushing on opposite sides of the same ball.]

Leela: Come on Bender! Your grandmother could push harder than that!

Bender: No crap, My grandmother was a bulldozer.

[The maze flips completely over. More balls are released running over all of the players and into holes. The score counts up to 6 to 5 in favor of Wernstrom. Cut to booth, Wernstrom laughs evilly. Farnsworth turns his control, a ball flies through the window and takes out Wernstrom who drops into a hole. Another ball drops in on top of him. The score is 7 to 6 for Farnsworth. A ref's whistle blows and the scoreboard shows Game Over. The Crowd and PE team cheer]

Bender: And thus metal man defeated meat man. The end.

[Scene: Player's entrance to showers, Colleen is waiting]

Colleen: (to Fry) Come here, winner! [Kisses Fry] (to Chu) Come here, looser! [Kisses Chu]

Fry: Colleen, what are you doing? My face is over here.

Colleen: This is my boyfriend, silly.

Fry: I thought I was your boyfriend.

Colleen: You are.

Fry: Well, how can you have two boyfriends?

Colleen: Oh, I don't. I have five. Fry, meet Chu, Bolt, Ndulu, and Shlomo.

[Other boyfriends greet Fry as Fry stutters]

Colleen: Shlomo and Ndulu will help you move your stuff into my appratment tonight.

Ndulu: Welcome to the relationship, buddy!

[Colleen kisses Fry. He make a questioning noise and spits something out into his hand]

Chu: There's my butterscotch.

[Cut to rip, pull back to exterior of PE building in foreground. Cut to conference table.]

Farnsworth: Congratulations, deathballers! We've won the right to explore the anomaly!

Zoidberg: What? I thought I was playing for my freedom!

Farnsworth: No. [Sticks a crank into a hole in his console and starts turning. A hologram of the anomaly appears] Now, I've often said "good news" when sending you on a mission of extreme danger. So when I say this anomaly is dangerous, you can imagine how dangerous I really think it is.

Hermes: Not dangerous at all?

Farnsworth: Actually, quite dangerous indeed.

Hermes: That is quite dangerous!

Farnsworth: Indeed. Now stop shilly-shallying! Prep the ship and line up for your pre-flight coffee enemas!

[Door open and the coffee enema bot floats in]

Enemabot: Warning. The enema you are about to enjoy is extremely hot.

[Scene: Prepping ship.]

Fry: I don't know what to do Leela. Should I move in with Colleen and her four other boyfriends?

Leela: What are you going to do? Sleep in a big pile like hamsters?

Fry: No! It's not like that. Everyone gets his own room and a shelf in the refrigerator.

Zoidberg: Take the deal Fry. If there's a delicious cake, isn't it better to have one slice than none at all? Even if four other guys eat the other four slices, and they're all thrusting their sweaty naked bodies against the cake?

Amy: Only one things matters Fry. Do you really love Colleen, like I love my little squeezle?

[Amy hugs Kif, causing his head to expand and his eyes to pop out. Kif chuckles]

Fry: Yeah, I do love her.

Kif: Then things will work out.

Farnsworth: [steaming from behind as enema bot moves away] Ohhh.

Enemabot: Double espresso for Philip Fry?

Fry: Sorry, I'm not going on the mission. I'm moving in with Colleen!

[Crew says "All right!" "Good for you Fry", etc]

Fry: [to Enemabot] I'll just take that to go.

[Scene: PE ship takes off and head toward the anomaly. Meanwhile, Fry exits a tube. A moment later a suitcase pops out which he catches in his left hand. He holds out his right hand. A futon pops out hitting him in the back of the head. Cut to Fry approaching a tall building with a sign that reads "Upscale Human Domicile #2487". Fry (dragging futon) presses the button for the 34th floor. The building descends to the sound of people screaming. The door opens and Colleen exclaims.]

Colleen: Welcome to you new home!

Fry: Thanks, Colleen. And listen, I'm sorry I got jealous before. I'm just happy to be here with you.

[Scene: interior of apartment. Colleen's other boyfriends are eating cake.]

Ndulu: Want a slice of delicious cake?

[Scene: Anomaly in space. PE ship flies towards it.]

Bender: (VO) [Gasping] The anomaly!

[Cut to interior of PE ship]

Amy: It's so anomalous.

Hermes: I'm feeling dread deep in my dreads!

[Werstrom appears on two monitors]

Farnsworth: Wernstrom!

Wernstrom: Yes, and I'm afraid I have disturbing news about the anomaly. You see ...

Farnsworth: How did you get this number? Hermes, hang up on him in the rudest possible manner.

Hermes: Yes, sir!

Wernstrom: No, not the crack slam!

[Scene: Colleen put grapes into a Mr. Wino which fills a bottle of wine.]

Colleen: Oh, my life rocks. I've got good wine, five sweethearts, and today, I was promoted to Chief of Police.

Fry: Here's to you.

Chu: Me?

Fry: No, Colleen. I'm making a romantic toast.

Chu: Sorry.

Fry: You have the most beautiful eyes ...

Ndulu: Thank you.

Fry: I'm not talking to you!

Ndulu: Then I am not talking to you, either.

Shlomo: Will everyone be quiet a little. I want to hear what he has to say.

Fry: Thank you.

Shlomo: Not you, you Verstinkener. You're just here 'cause she likes cave men from the stupid ages.

Bolt: Oh, look who's talking. You're just here 'cause she got matzoh fever.

Ndulu: So, what's the explanation for you, moron fever? (laughs)

Colleen: Enough! All of you! I love you. Most people in this world don't have what we have. Let's just be grateful, okay?

Everyone: Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

Fry: So, Colleen, you look really nice.

Colleen: Oh, thanks. I got dressed up for my date. [car horn honking OS] Oh, there he is. Don't wait up!

Fry: That's it. I thought I was okay with this, but I'm not. I'm breaking up with you.

Ndulu: Me?

[Scene: PE ship arrives at the Anomaly. Cut to interior, crew exclaim in fear.]

Bender: [whimpering, drops 6 bricks] Why are we risking out lives? Can't we just send in a robotic drone? ... What's everybody looking at me for?

[Scene: exterior of PE ship at anomaly. Cut to interior, crew stands around and Bender, laden with equipment, enters an air lock.]

Bender: Ooh Let's send a robot to explore it. 'Cause you can always buy another one for 20 bucks.

Leela: Really?

Bender: Well, it's 30 bucks and there's a $10 mail-in rebate. When the League of Robots hears about this, they won't be pleased. Oh, you'll pay, my darlings.

Hermes: The League of Robots doesn't exist, tin man. It's just a cartoon for babies.

Bender: Oh yeah? Then how come when I was a kid, I had a whole sticker book of them? Answer that with your precious logic. [voice fades out as airlock doors close.]

[Scene: Exterior of PE ship. A ramp extends to the edge of the anomaly. Bender exits, pulls out and instrument probe, and walks the ramp to the edge of the anomaly.]

Bender: Bender to crew. I have reached the gateway to another universe. I feel awed and strangely humbled by the momentous solemnity of this occasion. Hey, other universe, bite my shiny metal ...

[Bender sticks his ass into the anomaly. There is an electrical crackling, followed by an explosion that sends Bender and the PE ship spinning away with every one screaming.]

Transcribed: 2008/09/23