5acv03: Bender's Big Score, part 3
Transcribed by Red_Line
[Scene: Exterior PE Building, 3007. Cut
to interior shot of Bender with gun putting on sunglasses.]
Bender: Preparing to terminate
Schlump: What's with the doofy
Bender: It's really bright in
[Bender recites time code and
disappears into the time sphere. A second later he emerges from a
trap door in the floor]
Bender: [crying] Mission
Schlump: Fry is dead?
Bender: No other robot could
have done it. It took twelve years of tireless stalking but I hunted
down and killed my best friend. [cries] I'm the greatest.
[Fleb inserts the head cleaning
cassette into Bender's mouth. His eyes revert to their normal
Head cleaner: Time code and
obedience virus erased.
Head cleaner: Also, fifty
terabytes of porn.
Nudar: You've got no porn, no
code, and you're ugly. Let's dance.
[The aliens dance and sing. Bender
spits out the head cleaner which embeds itself in Nudar's flab]
[Scene: Central Park. A picnic table
with a framed photo of Fry on it]
Leela: Now it's true we'll all
Zoidberg: He was the only one of
you who never struck me.
Leela: And we'll never see if
boyish smile and hair horn again. But I bet he went back to his own
time. I'm sure he was very happy and lived to a ripe old age.
Bender: He wasn't and he didn't!
Bender: Struggling alone again
incredible odds, I, Bender, managed to kill him. [crys] I blew him
to mush like a midget in a microwave. [crys]
Amy: Awww, don't blame yourself
Bender: I don't blame myself, I
blame all of you.
Amy: Us?! How can you possibly
Bender: It ain't easy. It just
proves how great I am. [breaks down and crys] Ohhh, Fry, I'd give
anything to un-murder you.
Fry: Did someone call me?
Bender: No. [gasps] Fry? [runs
to Fry] But ... I killed you in 2012. Unless ...
[Bender punches Fry in the stomach]
Bender: Nope, he not a zombie.
Lars: Welcome back Fry.
Fry: [sarcastic] Thank you Lars.
Lars: [to Leela] I .. ah ... I
.. I'll see you later honey.
Farnsworth: So tell us Fry, If
Bender killed you centuries ago, how in Satan's glorious name did you
Fry: Ohh, it's an astonishing
tale of incredibleness. It all began when I went back in time.
[Scene: exterior of Panucci's Pizza,
January 1, 2000, 1:00 A.M. Fry pets Seymour, then enters the
Fry: Hey Mr. Panucci, I'm back
from the delivery to the cryogenic lab.
Panucci: Great. I'll put you on
the cover of Big Whoop magazine.
Fry: Mmmm, I'm starving. Can I
have a slice?
[Panucci take a slice of pizza from the
garbage and puts it on the counter]
Panucci: Help yourself. Cash up
[Fry pull out his wallet that only had
future money in it]
H.G. Blob on bill: This note is
Fry: (VO) Unfortunately, I had
no money from that era. But that's when it hit me - I knew where to
find free pizza.
[scene: Cryogenics lab. Fry takes a
slice of Pizza]
Fry: [groans] Ohh, ice cold.
Fry: (VO) That's when it hit me
Fry: But an hour ago this
pizza's still luke warm. [unzips pants and reads time code off his
ass] zero zero one one zero ...
[Scene: Cryogenics lab, one hour
earlier. Fry appears from the timesphere and takes a slice of
Bender: (OC) Explosion in seven,
[In background past Fry kicks Bender
into the cryotube]
past Fry: It'll be a cold day
in hell my friend.
Bender: Five ... hey, I'm
supposed to be the one saying cold day in ...
Fry: Nice kick me.
Past Fry: Thanks. What are you
Fry: One hour from now, I travel
back in time for free pizza.
Past Fry: But Nibbler said not
to use the time code.
Fry: Fine, Mr. responsible,
don't use the code. Mmmmm. That pizza sure was good.
Past Fry: You pig.
Fry: (VO) That's when it hit me
yet a third time ...
Fry: [slaps himself on the
forehead] You idiot, frozen me's still got a wallet full of old timey
[Fry goes to tube #40, opens the door,
and reaches around frozen Fry, touching his ass on the tattoo.]
Fry: Yuck, I touched my own
[Fry slips on the overturned chair and
falls into the cryotube]
[Scene: transition to Fry unthawing as
in 1ACV01. Fuy pull up frozen Fry's pants just before he thaws out.
Frozen Fry steps out of the tube and stretches. Fry resets the tubes
for 7.95 years and pulls the door shut. transition to Fry in Central
Fry: So I unfroze ten minutes
ago and I walked over here and then it was now and then I don't know
Bender: Well, I'm glad you're
alive, but I don't want people to say I'm incompetent so I better
kill you again. Hold still.
Farnsworth: Bender! Stop killing
for a minute. The Fry you murdered was doomed anyway. See?
[Fansworth switches on a holo projector
in his belt buckle which shows the equations from his lab backboard.]
Bender: What'd ya got there?
Farnsworth: When the time code
duplicates a living thing, the copy is always doomed. And that
includes flabby Jamaican potbellies.
Hermes: Kiss my front butt.
Fry: So my copy lives twelve
years before Bender murdered him?
Bender: Brutally murdered.
Fry: I wonder what his life was
Scruffy: I guess we'll never
Zoidberg: Or will we?
Narrator: They won't know, but
you will. Lucky you.
[Scene: exterior of Panucci's Pizza,
January 1, 2000, 1:01 A.M. Fry pets Seymour, then enters the
Fry: Oh hey Mr. Panucci, I'm
back from the delivery to the cryogenic lab.
Panucci: I know. I read about
it in Big Whoop magazine.
Fry: So ... uh ... my girlfriend
kicked me out. Can I rent the upstairs storage room?
Panucci: The upstairs storage?
[Laughs] I like you kid. Your lousy life makes me feel good about
myself. The room's yours. Here, take some rat spray for the meat
[Fade to a room outfitted as an
apartment with odds and ends. Fry hangs a Family Guy 2000 calendar
on the wall. Montage of Fry and Seymour biking through traffic, Fry
eating lunch at his parents house, playing basketball with Yancy, and
finally Fry in his apartment looking at a picture of Leela and Lars
and crying. Pull back to exterior of Panucci's.]
[Scene: Central Park, New New York.
Hermes is shaking Fry's hand]
Hermes: Happy Day mon. It's
good to have you back.
Nibbler: Indeed, but the
scammers will soon sprunje the code again. We must remove the time
tattoo at once, and as painlessly as possible.
[Scene: Close up of Fry screaming.
Pull back to reveal Fry's apartment, he's being held down on the
couch by Farnsworth, Bender, and Bubblegum Tate while Nibbler uses a
laser beam like ray from his eye stalk to burn the tattoo off Fry's
behind. Leela and Lars are watching the hallway through a crack in
the door. The scammers are seen approaching in the hallway.]
Lars: Hurry, they're coming.
Nibbler: There, the code is
gone. I save the space-time continuum and forty percent of your
Bubblegum: That's all you need.
[The scammers burst through the door,
shoving Lars and Leela aside]
Nudar: I sprunje code.
Nibbler: Too late Nudar. I've
wiped Fry's butt clean.
Nudar: [sniffing] We'll see
[Scene: PE hanger. Fry has his pants
down while Nudar hold him at gunpoint. Schlump and Fleb crawl around
Fleb: Nothing boss. We sprunged
his ass inside and out.
Schlump: The only information we
found was a hair shaped like the number six.
Nudar: [taking hair] Give me
that. [eats hair] mmm. Nine. Alright, let him go, I guess the time
code really is gone.
Fry: Thank god. The present may
stink, but at least now we can look forward to a better yesterday.
[Scene: Panucci's, 2003]
Fry: I'm sorry Leela, I can't
keep living in the past, by which I mean the future. I'll always
love you, but I've got to move on and find my life's purpose.
TV: ... and that how Bundles the
monkey finally found a friend.
Fry: I miss Morbo.
TV: And finally tonight on the
late, cute animal news, a story that will really tug your
heartstrings, way more than bundles, the doll-raping monkey. It's
the tale of lonely Leelu, the little orphan narwhal.
Dr. Shlivinowitz: (on TV) Leelu
is a rare, toothed female narwhal who got disoriented and washed up
in Atlantic City, as we all do from time to time. But without a
mother, she's lost the will to eat. [offering bottle to Leelu] come
on, take a sip.
Fry: I know how to make things
eat. Maybe this is my purpose in life.
[Scene: New York Aquarium]
Fry: Hi, I'd like to apply for a
job working with Leelu.
Dr. Shlivinowitz: Question
number one, do you have any experience working with marine mammals?
Fry: No, but I think they're
Dr. Shlivinowitz: That answers
question number two. Question number three, do you know where the
door is or would you prefer to be kicked out?
Fry: I don't know. I guess
[Leelu appears over the edge of the
tank next to Fry]
Fry: Hiya girl. My name's Fry,
and I think you're a cutie 'cause I like things that have only one
thing instead of two things.
[Fry picks a fish out of a bucked and
feed it to Leelu]
Dr. Shlivinowitz: Holy mackerel,
she's eating whole mackerel. I don't know what your secret is but if
you'll work for minimum wage you can start tomorrow.
Fry: If I work of less than
minimum, can I start today?
Dr. Shlivinowitz: I don't see
[Scene: PE building]
Morbo: (on TV) In business news,
the weak and gullible inhabitants of Earth were plunged into economic
depression today as the scammer aliens finished stealing every item
of value, including ownership of this station.
Linda: (on TV) [laughs]
[A trap door opens and Morbo and Linda
drop out of sight. The TV shuts off.]
Nudar: Tough times earth chumps.
We're repossessing your TV. Seems you can't afford it now that
Zoidberg: We're not unemployed
[Scene: Exterior of PE, the crew hold
boxes of personal items as the door slams closed behind them.]
[Scene: Exterior of the Head Museum.
Sign reads "Going out of business sale. Wayans heads, 3 for a
dollar". Cut to interior, door opens, Lars looks around and
then motions to Leela.]
Lars: I love the hard museum at
night. It's where I come to be alone.
Heads: Hi Lars.
Charles de Gaulle's head: Ah,
Lars and la belle Leela. I trust you brought some haute cuisine for
an old Frenchman.
Lars: You're favorite General,
Torgo's Executive Powder.
de Gaulle: Mmmm. Magnifique.
Lars: Come on Leela, let me show
you the hall of screaming skulls.
[Scene: an exhibit of screaming
Leela: It's so romantic. [turns
away from Lars and cries]
Lars: What's wrong? Is the
screaming depressing you?
Leela: It's just ... my life is
changing so fast. I don't know who I am anymore.
Lars: I know who you are.
You're the woman I've been waiting for all my life.
[Lars and Leela kiss.]
Leela: Let's go to my place.
[Scene: exterior Leela's apartment
building. The buildings on each side of it are gone, replaced with
piles of rubble. A wrecking ball swings in and demolishes Leela's
building. Pull back through a chain link fence to reveal Leela and
Lars: I ... like what you've
done with it.
Leela: [reading from a sign on
the fence] "All tenants evicted, signed new owners"?
Nudar: That would be us, dump
cakes. We're buying the whole city and turning it into a private
panda hunting reserve.
Leela: There aren't any Pandas
in New New York.
Schlump: Back it up, Sal.
[A dump truck backs in and dumps a load
of Pandas. Leela scowls]
[Scene: NNY skyline, snow is falling.
Pan down to an alley where the crew stands around a barrel with
rubbish burning in it.]
Amy: Look at us, living like
trash eating bums in an alley now.
Zoidberg: Yes. Now.
Tiny Tim: And on Xmas eve, the
most wonderful night of the [Bender trips him] ooofff.
Farnsworth: Well, at least we
have each other, so it truly is the worst Xmas ever.
[A strong wind suddenly blows,
distorting Farnsworth's face. Santabot flies overhead]
Hermes: [pointing] Santa!
Santa: Ah, the Planet Express
crew. According to my list [Bender mimicking] you've all been very
naughty. I'll be back for you after I collect my milk and cookies
from starving orphans.
[Santa flies away]
Fry: That's it. I don't see
how things could get any worse.
Bender: We could sing.
Farnsworth: I'd rather kill
Amy: Why not do both?
Farnsworth: Oh, very well.
[Farnsworth climbs onto a door step
Farnsworth: [Singing] I may as
well jump. Those sleazy naked scammers make me look like a chump.
Bender: [off camera] Eh.
Farnsworth: [singing] They
robbed me of my dignity and most of my stuff.
Leela: [singing] Lars brought me
Fry, Amy, Zoidberg, Bender, Tiny
Tim, and Nibbler: [singing] Cram it down and shut the hell up!
Hermes: [singing] I can't
compete with that.
[View through a telescope at a boarded
up building with LeBarabra and Barbados Slim visible in a window]
Hermes: [singing] He's Barbados
Slim and I'm Jamaican fat. Who would choose a backwards corpse with
lice in his hair.
Leela: [singing] Lars says I'm
Fry, Zoidberg, Amy, Tiny Tim,
Bender, Farnsworth: [singing] Who the hell cares?
Bender: [singing] Oh, won't
somebody shoot her please and put her out of our misery?
Santa: [at head of alley holding
weapons] That's my cue.
[Santa opens fire, crew runs screaming.
Santa dances and shoots]
Tiny Tim: Oh my word!
Fry: [watching Lars and Leela
hugging across the alley, singing] Lars makes me puke. I bet she'd
love me too if I was a blad headed kook.
Leela: Hey, guess what guys!
Leela: [singing] While we were
huddled in fear, Lars popped the question. [Leela displays a diamond
Zoidberg: [singing] Mazel tov.
Amy: [singing] May stars in
heaven bless your love.
Bender: [singing] I think I'm
gonna cry 'cause it's an extra happy Xmas this year.
Fry: Now could things get any
[Santa appears over head]
Santa: Ho! Ho! Ho.
[Santa drops a small metal xmas tree
with a ticking clock on it. The crew screams.]
Lars: Stop screaming. That's
just what the bomb wants us to do.
Zoidberg: I say do what it tells
us. [screams and clacks claws]
Lars: Don't worry, a bomb in a
case is just like a head in a jar.
[Lars opened the bomb and sprinkles in
some Torgo's executive powder. The bomb stops ticking. The crew
except Fry cheers]
Leela: [hugging Lars] Oh Lars!
No blowing us up make me love you even more.
Fry: [grumbling] Life saving
goody goody ...
Farnsworth: Well now that death
has been staved off momentarily, let me be the first to say
congratulations Leela and Lars.
[Crew except Fry cheers]
Amy: [raising hand] Maid of
Zoidberg: [raising claw an
instant later] Maid of honor! Ohhh.
Fry: [quietly] I could make you
happy too, if only you'd give me a chance.
[Scene: New York Aquarium, 2006, cut to
Leelu's tank: Fry with a plunger on his head sword fights with
[Scene: New York Aquarium, Leelu's
tank, 2008: Fry is in an inflatable raft holding a fish. Leelu comes
up through the bottom of the raft. Fry hugs Leelu and laughs as the
[Scene: New York Aquarium, Leelu's
tank, 2010: Leelu flies out of the water and does a back flip. A
moment later Fry does the same thing, landing at a desk with a sign
that says "Philip J. Fry, Ass't Director.]
[Scene: New York Aquarium, Leelu's
tank: Fry is sitting on the edge petting Leelu]
Dr. Shlivinowitz: You've done a
wonderful job Fry. When you first started, I thought she'd be dead
within a narweek, which is six days I believe.
Fry: Nah. Leelu's a champ. She
just needed someone to show her how to eat. [Fry tosses a fish into
his mouth, and another into Leelu's mouth]
Dr. Shlivinowitz: Now that the
kind of whale behavioral science they don't teach you in whale
behavioral science class.
Fry: So what's up Dr.
Dr. Shlivinowitz: [sighs] This
is a little hard for me to say Fry. You see, it's ... it's time we
released Leelu back into the wild.
[Fry coughs up a fish skeleton]
Dr. Shlivinowitz: I'm sorry.
The decision is final. Plus we need the tank for the Loch Ness
[Scene: in the back ground a crane is
lowering something vaguely monstery]
Fry: But that turned out to be a
log with a Halloween mask stapled to it.
[Scene: a log with a Halloween mask
stapled to it slung from the crane.]
Dr. Shlivinowitz: Yes, well, it
still draws a crowd.
Fry: [crying] I can't let this
happen, she'll never be happy without me.
[Scene: fade to picture of Lars and
Leela in formal clothes. Pull back to reveal it's a wedding
invitation that reads "You are cordially asked to attend the
wedding of Turanga Leela & Lars Fillmore Sunday, December 27th,
3007 @ 4 O'Clock"]
[Scene: Exterior of Elzars. Sign reads
"Today's specials cream of nothing". Cut to interior. A
line of down and out looking people get bowls filled at a window with
a sign in AL1 that reads "human broth". Pad to Elzar,
Leela, and Lars]
Elzar: I know you're broke and
homeless but you still want a swank wedding reception so I whipped
you up some real nice budge appetizers.
Lars: [tasting one] Mmmm. I can
keep these down.
Elzar: Ok! That's a bid yes on
the crud puffs. Try the shlimp cocktail.
[Elzar wiggles a dead crustacean in a
martini glass. Pan to Fry and Bender at another table]
Fry: There must be some way I
can stop this wedding. What if I steal the wedding ring.
Bender: Already taken care of.
[Bender displays a diamond ring on his finger]
Fry: You think that'll be enough
to stop the ceremony.
Bender: Nope. I pulled the old
switcheroo, so they won't even know the difference. Wait a minute, I
think the copy I made cost more than this.
Fry: Cheap lousy Lars.
Bender: [examining the ring
through a jeweler's loupe] Actually this is extremely nice, but I
really went all out on the copy. It was sorta my gift to them.
Fry: I can't let this happen.
She'll never be happy without me.
[Scene: fade to New York City Docks,
2010. Fry, accompanied by Panucci in a wheel chair watch a crane
hoisting Leelu onto a ship]
Fry: It's not fair, we need each
Panucci: Fry you dumb sack, I
don't care about your problems at all. [coughs]
Fry: You need your blanket Mr.
Panucci: I don't even want to be
here. I only came 'cause you wheeled me. But if that Narwal means so
much to you, you gotta do something.
Fry: I know. But I can't just
go chasing after her. That'd be nuts.
Panucci: Ah, Sometimes you gotta
be a little nuts. Let me introduce you to my cousin. He owns a
small freighter. That's him, right behind us.
Fry: [to Panucci] Maybe you're
right. [to Panucci's cousin] Sir, I'd like to engage your ship for a
trans-Arctic voyage to capture a Narwhal and bring it back to my
Panucci: The mans is nuts,
Leroy: Professional whale
keeper, eh? I've carried your type before and we don't get along.
Oh, I agree with your values and your goals and your methods, but
somehow we just never click on a personal level.
Fry: I'm not a professional
anymore. Just a Narwal loving private citizen.
LeRoy: Then I'm you man. We'll
take on three barrels of fresh sausage and sail at dawn.
[Scene: fade to exterior of the First
Amalgamated Church, December 27, 3007. Cut to interior, Dr. Cahill
wheels in a cart several heads on it, including George Bush Sr.
Leonard Nemoy, Jacques Cousteau, Mat Groening, and Charles de Gaulle]
Terry: [theatrically] Welcome
to the wedding.
Fry: [to Bender] It's a fool
proof plan. They can't sign the wedding license if I give them a pen
with no ink. [laughs and exchanges pens]
Bender: Yeah, once they try to
sign that license, all hell will break look. [rolls eyes up,
muttering] Oy vey.
LeBarbara: Go on now, mon, don'
cha' know nothin' about zippin' up a woman's frock?
Slim: [struggling with the zipper on
LeBarbar's dress] It's more my thing to zip 'em down. [laughs]
Hermes: Get your clumsy,
muscular hands off my woman, Barbados.
LeBarbara: Hermes! Your body!
Slim: I always said you were a
Hermes: Well, I always said you
were a little forward ... with my wife.
Herems: [zips up LeBarbara
frock] Consider yourself bird dogged.
LeBarbara: That's my man. Take a
[Slim leaves grumbling]
Bubblegum: Brother, you gots to
tell that sweet thing your time duplicate body is doomed.
Hermes: Tomorrow morning. After
Bubblegum: [Nudging Hermes and
spinning a basketball on his finger] Yow, baby!
[The Robot Devil band plays the wedding
march, Leela enters escorted by the Professor with Nibbler scattering
flower petals in front of them]
Munda: [from a grating beneath
the asile] Our little girl is finally getting married. And to a
normal two eyed human.
Morris: He's not good enough for
her. Leela deserves a guy with a dozen eyes.
Munda: Quit trying to fix her up
with Fly Mutant. [A humanoid with large fly eyes behind them buzzes
and licks fluid off one eye]
Minister: Dearly liked, we are
gathered here before one or more gods, or fewer, to joining this
couple in pretty good matrimony. If anyone objects to this union, let
them speak now or forever hold their piece, or do something else.
[Fry chuckles and taps the empty pen]
[Scene: North Pole, 2012: Fry, with
beard and mustache, looks through binoculars. Cut to a ship amongst
Leroy: It's been two years, Fry.
We've caught a hundred and eight narwhals and set them all free
Fry: None of them were Leelu.
Fufu: But all of them were
Atanarjuat: [pointing] Can we at
least eat that one? I'm sick of sausage.
Fry: [looking through
binoculars, gasps] I'd know that modified extended tooth anywhere.
To the boats!
[Scene: Leelu swimming on the surface.
Pan to Fry in a small boat] Leelu! Leelu! It's me, Fry.
[Leelu grunts and swims to the boat]
Fry: [hugging Leelu] Oh, I've
missed you too, Leelu. But we'll never be apart again because we
care too much for each other. Fire!
Minister: Now, if the couple
will sign the wedding license.
[Fry nudges Bender, who rolls his eyes.
Leela attempts to sign, but the pen won't work. Lars gives her
another one and she attempts to throw the dead one over her shoulder,
poking Hermes in the eye. Hermes stumbles, trips over a rope
bringing a chandelier down upon him, severing his head, impaling, and
electrocuting his body.]
Farnsworth: I warned him. I
warned him a time paradox duplicate is always doomed.
Lars: [surprised] What?
LeBarbara: Oh, no, my man! He's
essentially dead again.
Dr. Cahill: Relax ma'am. Your
husband's original body will be repaired within one week.
LeBarbara: Nah uh uh. Not soon
enough. Boy needs a daddy.
Slim: Cruel runnings mon.
[Dr. Cahill dumps Hermes head in the
jar with Charles De Gaulle]
Dr. Cahill: Woopsy-doopsy,
Hermes: Well, let's get on with
it. Don't let my doomed body and my doomed marriage stand in the way
of your happiness.
Lars: No, it's not right. We
don't want our happy day tainted by misfortune and tragedy, do we?
Leela: I'm OK with it.
Lars: No, it's not right. The
wedding is off.
[Lars leaves, crowd gasps]
Bender: Oh my goodness! [starts
stealing the wedding gifts]
Fry: [snickering] Finally, a