5acv02: Bender's Big Score, part 2
Transcribed by Red_Line
[Scene: Exterior PE]
[Scene: Interior PE, Farnsworth's lab]
Nudar: Stand back you wing wangs. I'm gonna try out this timesphere with a quick test drive to yesterday.
Farnsworth: Bushwah. You can't go mucking about in the past without creating paradoxes.
Nibbler: I'm afraid he can. It's a paradox correcting time code. It all works perfectly. Except when it rips open the universe. Don't do it, I beg you ...
[Nudar steps into the time sphere, Nibbler's voice fades out and everything outside is in slow motion]
Nudar: Yesterday please, and make it snappy.
[Door whooshes open off screen]
Bender: Hey! What the ...?
Zoidberg: There was one, but now there's two.
Nudar: Nothing gets past you eagle eye. I went back to last night and met the me of that time for a drink. One thing led to another and we ended up at my place, or should I say our place.
[Nudar and Nudar' "kiss"]
Nudar: Oh come on ya bunch of prudes.
Farnsworth: This isn't merely revolting, it's impossible to boot. I know a paradox when I see one.
[Farnsworth leans back on the smelloscope. A screw pops out and the scope crushes Nudar'.]
Farnsworth: Ahh, paradox resolved. Someone get a mop.
[scene: a stack of domed houses. Dwight rings a door bell marked "Conrad". ]
Dwight: You're looking well pops.
Hermes: How can you look me in the eye 'n eye and say that? I'm nothin' but a brain. A useless, filthy brain.
Barbados Slim (OS): You forgot lice infested.
Hermes: I didn't forget it, I just chose not to .... [gasps] Barbados Slim! What are you doin' here? IS there somethin' goin' on between you two?
LeBarbara: Oh no no no no, we jus' ah happened to run into each other shortly after your accident.
Slim: And every night since then.
[Slim and LeBarbara laugh.]
LeBarbara: you're so crazy.
Hermes: Woman! No! Ohh, who am I kiddin'? Without my body, I'm a nobody.
LeBarbara: I'm sorry Hermes. But look at Barbados. You can't argue with those luscious pecks.
Hermes: No I can't. But I can ask him to stop wiggling them in my face.
Slim: I'm not wiggling them. They do that by themselves.
[scene: PE building interior]
Nudar: I think I'll go back in time and steal the Liberty Bell before it cracked. Or is the crack the valuable part?
Farnsworth: I don't know you naked crook.
Fleb: [reading from "A Brief History of Time Travel"] We have a problem Nudar. It's a one way time code. It can take us to the past, but it can't bring us back to the present.
Bender: Oh oh oh oh oh oh! Masters, if I might, let me do the stealing. I'll go to the past and snatch everything I can get my greasy mitts on. Then, as a robot, I could just wait it out for a few centuries in the limestone cavern beneath this building. Oh, it'll be ever so much fun.
Nudar: Hey, that's perfect. We sit back and let dum dum here do the stealing.
Bender: Dum dum away. Zero zero one one ....
[Nibbler gasps as Bender finishes reciting the time code. The time sphere appears and Bender jumps into it. A moment later, a trap door in the floor open and Bender emerges carrying a painting.]
Leela: The Mona Lisa!
Bender: Sorry, it's not quite finished.
Schlump: Davinci give you any trouble?
Bender: Let's just say he may not make it to the last supper. Hahahahahaha.
Farnsworth: Preposterous twaddlecock. Time travel is impossible.
Fry: But Professor, you time traveled yourself, remember, when we went back to Roswell?
Farnsworth: That proves nothing. And furthermore, you'd think I'd remember a thing like that. Plus, who are you anyway?
Bender: Man, this is fun on a bun. Here I go again.
Nibbler: Oh no you don't.
[Bender recites the time code]
[Scene: Egypt, 1351 BC - pan from Ramses' tomb, pyramids in the background, to 4 Egyptians carrying a sarcophagus. The time sphere appears and Bender steps out]
Bender: Scarab, four arm, bird, bird, bird.
[Subtitle: drop the sarcophagus]
[Scene: PE building, Bender emerges from the trap door holding a artifact over his face]
Bender: Boo! Hahahaha. Naw, it's just me, Bender.
[Scene: Exterior, of PE building. Cut to Professor's lab.]
Farnsworth: I must tell you Hedonismbot, I hate to sell my doomsday devices to a private collector. But with my business stolen I have to make ends meet. You will be careful?
Hedonismbot: I shan't touch them until I've had Jumbie lock the absinthe and ether away. Ohhhh, what does this one do?
[Hedonismbot picks up one that looks like a lava lamp]
Farnsworth: Uh, that one kills everything everywhere.
[Hedonismbot drops the device which rolls off the shelf. Sound of glass braking]
Hedonismbot: How delightful. And this one?
[Hedonismbot holds up the spheroboom]
Farnsworth: Sir! The sphereoboom is not for sale.
[Farnsworth places the sphereoboom into a satchel and handcuffs it to his wrist.
Farnsworth: It's my sentimental favorite.
Hedonismbot: No need to explain. I too have known unconventional love. Perhaps you and I, and Jumbie, could get together and compare notes sometime, eh?
[Farnsworth blushes and chuckles.]
[Scene: Sweden, 2308, Sweedledome - cut to interior of an Auditorium with a banner "Nobel Prizes 2308]
MC: ... resulting in peace between east and west coat rappers ...
[The roof caves in]
MC: Good god!
[Bender in a flying saucer crashes down. Bender grabs the Nobel prize and check]
Bender: I accept this Nobel peace prize not just for myself, but for crime robots everywhere. Skål!
[Bender takes off, audience claps. Cut to exterior of Sweedledome, Bender crashes out through roof in a different place. Cut to city scene - three fighter air craft pursue Bender, guns firing. Bender's flying saucer takes a hit, rocking it.]
Bender: Not so neutral now, are you Sweden?
[Bender presses a button marked "Activate Decoys". Six duplicate saucers fan out behind his. Cut to interior of Applied Cryogenics, Fry frozen in his tube, old New York outside of window. Flying saucers fly over blasting everything in sight. Bender laughs maniacally.]
[Scene: Leela's eye. Pull back, Leela is applying Torgos Executive Power eyeliner, She, Fry, and Hermes' head are on the couch in the PE lounge.]
Leela: Be honest with me. Does my eye look monstery? I don't want to look monstery for my date with Lars.
Hermes: At least a monster has a body. What I wouldn't give for Wolfman's torso, or any of the groovy ghoulies.
Leela [looking at Lars' business card]: Ohh, I think I'll wear that slutty dress I've been saving for easter.
Fry [taking the card from Leela]: I'd like to punch Lars right in his ruggedly good looking face.
[Scene: Farnsworth is sleeping on a couch, clutching the satchel containing the spheroboom. The aliens look in the door.]
Nudar: Like all rich people, we're gonna need weapons to shoot poor people.
Schlump: In self defense?
Nudar: Yes, that too. Bender, go steal the doomsday device chained to the professors wrist.
Bender: Never! Ha ha, I'm kidding. You guys know I have to do whatever you say.
Nudar: Here, swap this for the real one.
Bender: Ahhh! The old switcheroo.
Nudar: Yes, but don't wake him. You'll need jeweler's tools and foot cup silencers.
Bender: Hey, I don't tell you how to tell me what to do, so don't tell me how to do what you tell me to do. Bender knows when to use finesse.
[scene: Nudar, door opens to reveal Bender with the satchel, a severed hand still attached to the handcuff, and a bloody hacksaw.]
Bender: Here ya go.
Nudar: Put it in the safe, clanky.
[Scene: Bender at the safe. Take hand and discards it. Sounds of breaking glass and slap.]
Zoidberg [OC]: Owww!
[Scene: exterior Dr. Zoidberg's office door]
Zoidberg [voice over]: It's the damdest thing ...
[Cut to Dr. Zoidberg's office where he's sewing Farnsworth's hand back on.]
Zoidberg: ... there I was in the dumpster enjoying a moldy fudgecicle when suddenly your hand flies over and slaps me in the tuckus.
Farnsworth: Yes, well, these things happen. Fortunately the sphereoboom is still safe.
[Opens satchel which contains a rose with a tag that reads "you've been scammed sweetheart"]
Farnsworth: Scammed? Me!? Sweetheart?!? Ohh!
[Throws satchel. Cut to hallway outside of office, Bender catches the satchel in his compartment and laughs.]
Hermes: You do a nice hand job, Zoidberg. Tell me, If I could find an undamaged body, could you recapitate me?
Zoidberg: Hermes, I'm a surgeon. When I see two body parts I sew them together and see what happens.
[Scene: PE lounge]
Hermes: All I'm askin' is for you to go back in time to when I still had my body and bring it back for me.
Bender: What do I do with your old head?
Hermes: I don't care in the slightest.
Bender: [brandishing bloody hack saw] Can do!
[Scene: Zoidberg's office, Hermes' decapitated body is sitting on the gurney. Zoidberg shakes Torgo's Executive Powder into a bowl]
Hermes: Come on, mon!
Zoidberg: [pouring some liquid from Hermes' jar into the bowl] Hermes, please. You can't hurry a delicate operation like this.
Hermes: Ohh! ... Ug! ... Argh! ... Ahhhhhh. [looking down] What are those?
[Pull back to reveal Hermes' head is on backwards]
Hermes: You incompetent crab!
Zoidberg: I thought you were happy, your tail is wagging.
[Scene: exterior of Zoidberg's office. Door opens and Zoidberg rushes out whooping, followed by an angry Hermes.]
[Scene: Farnsworth's lab, Farnsworth is using the finglonger to point to the equation E=9.87sin(2B)-7.53cos(B)-1.5sin(B) (which is really the Equation of Time for correcting sundials) on a black board.]
Farnsworth: I believe this paradoicality equation to be unsolvable, ergo time travel is impossible. But I can't quite prove it, Bubblegum. Perhaps you and your razzle dazzle Globetrotter calculus could ...
Bubblegum: [interrupting] Looks pretty damn solvable to me, Farnsy. Sweet Clyde, use variation of parameter and expand the Wronskain.
[Passes chalk to Sweet Clyde who dribbles the chalk up to the board while the other Globetrotters whistle. Clyde writes an equation under the original then passes the chalk to the other trotters.]
Farnsworth: Shizz, baby. So paradox free time travel is possible after all.
Bubblegum: Right on. But dig this multiplicand here.
Farnsworth: The doom field? That must be what corrects the paradoxes.
Sweet Clyde: But that momma rises exponentially. It could rupture the very fabric of causality.
Nibbler: That's what I've been trying to tell you.
[Nibbler gets kicked by Zoidberg who runs in, followed by Hermes. Hermes makes a wrong turn and collides with the black board and falls to the floor, gasping for breath.]
Farnsworth: Hermes, you got your body back. Hurrah!
Hermes: Yes, but not the original. Bender went back in time and picked up a copy.
Bubblegum: A copy! Funky cold medina. According to this equation, a time travel duplicate results in a complex denominator in the causality ratio.
Sweet Clyde: Oh Snap! You know what that means.
Hermes: I can guess. Actually, I can't guess.
Bubblegum: Prof, you got a doom meter in this lab.
[Fansworth picks up a device and scans Hermes. The device buzzes and chirps like a Geiger counter].
Farnsworth: [looking at doom meter showing nearly 1000 millidooms] Good Lord Bubblegum. The duplicate body is emitting doom at ten times the back ground level.
Bubblegum: I thought as much. A duplicate body is always doomed. It's just a matter of time.
Hermes: I don't care. I just need it long enough to bird dog in an win LeBarbara back.
Bubblegum: Best bird dog fast my brother.
Hermes: That the way I bird dog best.
[Scene: Elzars. Leela and Lars are at a table. Lars is holding a glass to Leela's mouth on a spoon as Leela laughs.]
Lars: Drink, quick. I can't balance it much longer.
Leela: Wait .. I .. [Leela drinks]
Leela: This is so much fun Lars. Most men are intimidated by the fact that I could kill them with the flick of my wrist.
Lars: Well not me. 'Cause if you do, you'll be stuck with the check.
Elzar: [with a spice weasel] Folks, care for a little fresh ground executive?
[Elzar yanks the spice weasel which emits a puff from it's nose onto Leela's dinner. A pink cloud forming a pair of interlocking hearts float up in front of Leela, framing their faces as they smile at each other.]
Elzar: Don't get excited kids, this thing's got heart shaped nostrils. Want to see it make a star?
[Elzar turns the spice weasel around and lifts it's tail.]
Leela and Lars: No!
[Montage of Lars and Leela playing outer space mini-golf, sitting in a hover car at the Cylon War Memorial at Makeout Point, and taking a soap bubble ride. In the latter, Fry, in another soap bubble with a bouquet of roses, sees Leela and Lars in an embrace. He thrown the roses away in disgust. The bubble pops and he drops screaming.]
[Scene: PE building hanger, Bender come up through the trap door with a book].
Bender: Here's your Gutenberg Bible master. Plus the Colonel's secret recipe; Chicken, Grease, Salt.
Fleb: Well, that does it. We've got every valuable object in history.
[He tosses the bible over his shoulder, hitting Fry in the head]
Nudar: Hmm. Now that I'm rich I suddenly care if the universe gets destroyed. We can't use that dangerous time code again. Blank it from the robot's memory.
[Fleb holds up a head cleaner cassette. Bender opens his mouth]
Nudar: [looking at Fry] I'll vaporize this guy so his ass doesn't fall into the wrong hands.
Fry: Why don't you just remove my tattoo?
Nudar: Nice try. But you might have memorized it.
Fry: No I mighn't. I can't even remember my mother's maiden name.
Nudar: It's Gliesner.
[Nudar shoots at Fry who jumps out of the way, blowing up a statue behind him]
Fry: [running] Stupid naked aliens. Stupid Lars. I hate the future.
[Fry runs through the lounge where Amy is sleeping on the couch, laser blasts are flying over head. He backs up and picks up a hand mirror that is laying next to the TV.]
[More laser shots. Fry whines and runs. Cut to locker room]
Bubblegum: Man, that cube root was a real buzzer beater Clyde.
[Fry bursts in, pants down, reading his butt with the mirror]
Fry: Zero. One. One. One. Zero. Zero. One. One!
[The time sphere appears. The aliens burst in]
Schlump: Blast him.
[Fry squeaks in fright and dives into the time sphere. The laser blast explodes a can of Torgo's Executive Powder.]
Bender: Ah Hah! You missed. Oh great master.
[Scene: Applied Cryogenics, January 1, 2000. 12:30 AM. Fry appears, pants down]
Fry: Hello 2000. I'm home.
Voice: (OC) Happy New Year naked weirdo.
Fry: Happy new year.
[Fry pulls up his pants.]
[Scene: PE building, hanger]
Nudar: Well, we'll never know where the ass guy went, and since we can't kill him, I say live and let live.
Bender: Aww, that's sweet boss. Fry'll be nice and cozy back in the year 2000.
Nudar: What?! How do you know he went to the year 2000?
Bender: That's where he always goes.
Nudar: Hmm. Better play it safe. Go there a little earlier and wait for him. You know what to do.
Bender: You want me to concludify him, like some sort of dispatcherator?
Nudar: Yes. And don't forget to terminate him.
Bender: Got it. Preparing to terminate Philip Fry.
Schlump: What's with the doofy sun glasses?
Bender: It's really bright in the past.
[Scene: Applied Cryogenics, January 1, 2000. 12:28 AM. Bender appears a la Terminator]
Bender: Ok, Fry. Come ta poppa. ... Man I'm bored. [spots beer] Ohhh!
[Bender drinks the 5 cans left in the 6 pack from SP3000]
Bender: Hey, there you are! ... Oh, wait, that's Fry before he goes to the future. I'm waiting for the one who comes back from the future. Geesh this is confusing, and I bet it's gonna get a lot more confusing. Offf. That cheap beer really goes right through you. For the first time ever, I gotta use the bathroom, but if I leave, I might miss Fry. Ohhhh unless ....
[19 second earlier]
past Bender: ... and I bet it's gonna get a lot more confusing. Huh! Ah! Wha?
future Bender: Hi, I'm you from 19 seconds in the future. Stay here and wait for Fry while I go to the bathroom.
past Bender: Ok Boss. After I kill Fry you're next.
future Bender: What?
past Bender: Nothing.
[A Bender in a tux appears from the timesphere]
past Bender: What the? Who are you?
tux Bender: I'm Bender from way at the end. I came back to put this rub-on time code on Fry's ass.
past Bender: So what are you now, a butler? Spot of tea please, jerkwad.
tux Bender: It's called class, you yokel. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a buttocks to tattoo.
[tux Bender places the tattoo on Fry in the cryotube. Fry appears from the timesphere.]
Fry: Hello 2000. I'm home.
Voice: (OC) Happy New Year naked weirdo.
Fry: Happy new year.
[Fry pulls up his pants. Bender steps out, pointing the gun at Fry. Fry gasps]
Bender: Hasta la vista, meatbag.
Fry: Bender? What are you doing? It's me, your best friend.
Bender: Must obey orders. Ohhhhh. Mustn't kill friend. Ohhhhhh! Badly want to urinate.
Fry: What's happening? Are you urinating?
Bender: Entering auto destruct sequence. Awww crap, I hate auto destruct sequence. Explosion in seven, six, ...
[Fry kicks Bender who stumbles back into a cryotube. Fry turns the control to 1,000,000 years]
Fry: It'll be a cold day in hell my friend.
Bender: five .. hey, I'm supposed to be the one saying cold day in ...
[Bender freezes in the tube]
[Scene: Fry waiting for elevator, Bender exits the restroom in time to see Fry get on the elevator.]
Bender: Hey ... so the game of cat and mouse begins, huh? Let us match wits. .... Ohhhh, how am I supposed to find him? All those times he blabbed on and on about his life in the twentieth century. If only I'd paid the slightest bit of attention. Oh well, guess I'd better go kill myself.
[Scene: exterior New York City, sounds of crowds partying. Pan to telephone booth, a fan man sitting on the curb in front of it. In side the booth, a drunk is on the phone.]
Drunk: Hello, bartender? I have thought it over, and far from being a fat pig, you are very nice and I would like another drink ...
[Bender throws the drunk out of the phone booth]
Bender: Take a barf buddy. Ok suicide booth, give me your best shot. Electrocution please, side order of poison. [taps foot] Helloooo? Kill me you stupid machine. ... What the ... local calls fifty cents? It's a street corner telephone parlor! Oh what kind of horrible suicide free time is this? Wait a minute, maybe this handy encyclopedia of humans will help me track Fry down.
[Bender scans the Fry page in the telephone book]
Bender: One of these Frys must be Fry. Look out Philip Fry, 'cause I got a little present for you.
Fat Man: My name is Philip Fry. Where's my present.
Bender: Hang on a second Fry. I don't remember you being that ugly.
Fat man: Oh no, I've always been this ugly.
Bender: Huh. Let me see your ass. ... No tattoo, Ok, you can go.
Fat man: Farewell sir.
[Scene: Michelle and the blond guy from SP3000 are in bed. Bender bursts in. Michelle screams.]
Bender: Say your prayers, Fry.
Michelle: This isn't Fry. I kicked Fry out two hours ago. This is my new boyfriend ... uhhh ...
Michelle: Really? That's a dumb name. Ewwww.
Bender: Hmmm, could be a trick. Let me see your ass, Constantine. ... Ohh, nice, now I see why she left Fry.
[Scene: row of houses. Bender rings the door bell. The same fat man answers, screams, and drops his pants.]
Bender: Ok, you're still clean. I mean metaphorically.
[Scene: Bender is walking down the street checking off names on page from the telephone book. He wads it up and tosses it in a dumpster.]
Bender: He must have left the city. Man, this could take all day.
[Scene: 11 Months later, Florida, 2008. Election workers are counting ballots behind two bins labeled "Gore" and "Bush".]
Phil: The returns are looking good Mr. Gore.
Al Gore: Thanks Phil. Here's to four years of clean air, clean government, and amazing new technologies such as ...
[Bender bursts through the door, gun in hand]
Al Gore: ... ROBOT!
Bender: [racking pump on gun] Philip Fry?
[Al Gore points to Phil. Bender chases Phil out of the room, destroying the bin labeled "Gore" in the process.]
[Scene: USA Today with headlines Bush "Wins" and obnoxious robot still on loose.]
Narrator: Twelve years past. Then ...
[Scene: Long island shoreline, 2012]
Narrator: ... this.
[Scene: Beach with people. Bender emerges from the water]
[Scene: Bender ascending the front steps of a house and knocking on the door. Yancy Fry opens the door.]
Bender: Philip J. Fry?
Yancy: Phil, some kind of trash can here to see you. He's coming.
Philip J. Fry II: Are you made of tinker toy?
Bender: Hmmm. It's been twelve years. Maybe I'm getting taller.
Philip J. Fry II: You're not getting smarter.
Bender: Listen pipsqueak, are you Philip J. Fry or not? 'Cause if you are, I'm here to kill you.
Philip J. Fry II: I'd like to see you try.
[Bender pulls out the gun]
Philip J. Fry II: [screams] You want uncle Phil. He went the to north pole on a fishing boat.
Bender: Ahhhh! The north pole? I was just there.
[Scene: Riverfront, Brooklyn Bridge in the background. Bender approaches the "Royal Circus luxury seal clubbing cruises" booth]
Bender: One ticket to the north pole please, broom closet class. [Gasps as a bearded figure descends a boarding ramp from a ship] Fry? If only I could be sure. [The figure's pans sag, revealing the Bender tattoo] It is him, I'd recognize me, and hence him, anywhere.
[Scene: Fry flags a Chinese Checker Cab Co. cab. Bender runs after him and flags a Hybraxi.]
Bender: Follow that guy. There's an extra hundred in it for you if you follow him so close that you run him over.
Al Gore: (cab driver) Yes sir.
[Taxi peels out, hits a garage truck, and looses control - careening through traffic and crashing through a sign reading "Warning - severely warped dock" as Bender and Gore scream. The taxi launches off the upturned end of the dock, drops back down, and rolls backwards into the garbage truck, launching Bender into the sky.]
Al Gore: Dang. That hundred dollars could have bought me one gallon of gas.
[Scene: Fry's cab pulls up in front of a decrepit Panucci's Pizza. Fry pets Seymour, then enters. Bender crashes in the street a second later]
Bender: Ohhh! I lost him. People will call me a failure. [Sees Fry in a second floor window] Others however will call me the world's sexiest killing machine who's fun at parties. Fry old buddy, it's me, Bender.
[Bender fires a blast into the window. The building explodes and collapses, the fire ball quick toasting Seymour.]
Bender: Wooo! I totally killed him. [Laughs then cries]. Oh god, what have I done?