5acv01: Bender's Big Score, part 1
Transcribed by Red_Line and Neosmith92
[An owl flies over the planet express building, then under through a tunnel, to where the ship is.]
Hermes (VO): Planet Express delivery company roll call! Captain Turanga Leela!
[Leela walks into the view carrying Nibbler]
Hermes (VO): Delivery boy, first class, Philip J. Fry!
[Nibbler spits out Fry]
Hermes (VO): Assistant Manager of Sales, Bender Bending Rodriguez!
Bender: Here! [Falls on Fry and Leela from above] Cerveza, por favor.
[Leela pops open a bottle of beer with her teeth and hands it to Bender]
Hermes (VO): Long-term intern, Amy Wong.
Amy [While combing her long hair]: Here!
[Her long hair is burned off by Bender's flaming burp]
Hermes (VO): Company physician, Dr. John A. Zoidberg.
[Zoidberg pokes his head out of the fridge, with a sandwhich in his mouth, and holding a bag with the words "Fry's lunch" on it]
Zoidberg: What? I thought it was mine!
Hermes (VO): Bureaucrat Grade 34, Hermes Conrad
Hermes: Is who I am. And now I am proud to present the owner and founder of Planet Express, Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth!
[Hermes steps out of the way]
Farnsworth: You're all fired.
Hermes: Sweet bongo of the Congo!
Farnsworth: In fact, you were fired two years ago! That's when we were shut down by the delivery network.
[Cut to "BOX" Network, with the B flickering to look like an F]
Farnsworth (VO): Yes, I'm afraid the brainless drones who run the network canceled our License.
[In an office, A grey haired man speaks in gibberish, a woman claps her elbows together, and a blond haired man hits himself in the eye]
Fry: We were canceled?
Farnsworth: Oh, it's terrible. Just terrible. Well, clear out your desks and move along. Chop-chop.
[A phone rings and Farnsworth picks it up]
Farnsworth: Yes? I see.
[Farnsworth hangs up]
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Those asinine morons who canceled us were themselves fired for incompetence.
Farnsworth: And not just fired, but beaten up, too. And pretty badly.
Farnsworth: In fact, most of them died from their injuries.
Staff: Woo? [Bender laughs]
Farnsworth: And then they were ground up into a fine pink powder.
Farnsworth: Oh, it's got a million and one uses.
[Farnsworth puts some "Torgo's Executive Powder” in his trousers]
Farnsworth: Ahhh, that soothes the fire.
[Leela stands behind a bunch of fans, blowing air at her]
Leela: So what does this mean for us and our many fans?
Farnsworth: It means we're back on the air!
[The staff look at him blankly]
Farnsworth: Yes, flying on the air in our mighty spaceship!
Bender: We're back, baby!
[Crew parties. Bender is limboing]
All: Party! Go, go, go!
Cubert: Lower, lawn mower!
Hermes: What's the matter, robot? You got a rod up your spine?
Bender: Yes, I do. That's how I'm built.
Fry: Way to bend it!
Bender: You're the greatest, Bender!
Hermes: In Jamaica, we got 10-story office buildings lower than that.
Leela: Let's see you beat it, Rastaman.
[Hermes rips off his shirt]
Hermes: Let's make it interesting. Fetch down one of them sabers.
[Fry and Leela fetch down one of them sabers hanging above a fireplace]
Bender: Oh, flexible. That would go good up my spine.
[Scruffy changes the music to a Jamaican style tune as Hermes easily limbos under the sword]
[Hermes limbos under the sword again, and the sword cuts the tip of his belly]
Bender: The fat guy wins!
Fry: Go, Hermes!
Hermes: That's why they call me 11-inch Conrad.
[The remaining sword hanging from the fireplace drops down, cutting Hermes' head from his neck.]
Scruffy: Oh, no.
[Hermes' body then proceeds to stumble around, fall of the ledge and hit the ship's landing gear. The ship then crushes him.][An ambulance goes down the street, followed by the opening credits]
[Main title: It just won't stay dead!]
Phillip J. Fry [Fry looks at the screen and smiles, one of his teeth fall out]
Turanga Leela [Leela blows smoke off a laser]
Bender Rodriguez [Bender rides up a cliff on a horse]
Amy Wong [Amy dances to the Futurama theme]
Dr. John Zoidberg [Zoidberg clicks his claws to the Futurama theme]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth [Farnsworth looks around, then walks offscreen]
Hermes Conrad [Hermes stamps a big "File under: RENEWED" stamp onto the screen]
And introducing Zylex [A yellow monster with big yellow teeth is shown]
[Scene: Head museum]
Fry: Can you save Hermes, Dr. Goodensexy?
Dr. Cahill: I told you, my name is Dr. Cahill.
[Hermes head is sitting on a pedestal]
Hermes: Figures I'd get mangled while the blond bimbo's on duty.
Dr. Cahill: I'm a doctor, sir. The mere fact that I'm blond and have a breathy voice, full sensual lips, and a steaming hot body doesn't make me a bimbo.
Zoidberg: Tell me about it.
Hermes: I think we've all learned a thing or two about sexual stereotypes. While my head's slowly dying 'cause I'm not in a jar yet, you bimbo!
Dr. Cahill: Oh, right. Ditzy-witzy! Lars, got another jar job!
[A man wearing a blue shirt with a mustache, beard, and no hair comes thorough the door with a cart]
Lars: Oh, sorry, Doctor. I was disinfecting Courtney Love... Oh, hello.
Leela: What are you looking at? Is it the eye?
Lars: Guilty as charged. It's a nice looking eye, and there's plenty of it.
Leela: Oh. Do I know you?
Lars: Apparently not. Hi. I'm Lars.
Leela: Oh. I'm Leela. Nice to meet you.
Lars: Nice to be met.
Hermes: Pick up ladies on your own time, you shiny-headed goat!
Lars: Sir, you're just a little enraged 'cause you're dying. Up and away!
[A machine lifts Hermes' head into a jar, then fills the jar with H2OGfat]
Amy: Lars is so flirting with you.
Leela: He is so not. He's just being polite.
Fry: Who does he think he is, being polite to you? You want me to beat him up?
Leela: No. Stop being so immature.
Fry: I'll show her who's immature.
Fry: "Charles de Gaulle"? Never heard of you.
De Gaulle: I freed France from the Nazis and...
[Fry picks de Gaulle up and dances around with him, while talking in a bad French accent]
Fry: Hey, Leela. I'm some French guy.
Bender: Rock that Frenchman, baby!
[Dwight and LaBarbara come in]
LaBarbara: Oh, my poor little love pirate of the Caribbean!
Hermes: There, there, wife. Everything will be all--
LaBarbara: Okay, look, Hermes, we got to think of the boy. He needs a daddy.
Hermes: He has a daddy!
LaBarbara: No, he got two half-daddies. Will his body be all right?
Dr. Cahill: Yes, but it may take a few days.
LaBarbara: No, not soon enough. Come, Dwight, let's find you a handsome new father.
Hermes: LaBarbara, no!
Bender: It's okay, Hermes. We're all here for you.
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! We've got a delivery to the nude beach planet.
Bender: So long, jerk.[Scene: The PE ship takes off from the hanger of the PE building.]Leela: It feels great to be back at the wheel after two long years.
Fry: That's not the wheel.
[Leela is holding a French horn. The ship plunges into a planet's atmosphere in front of three suns and into some water. A moment later the ship flies out of the water and lands on a nearby cliff, overlooking the nude beach]
Leela: It's nice out.
[The crew starts stripping down]
Fry: "You must be at least this naked"? How much nakeder could you be?
Zoidberg: Watch and learn.
[Zoidberg strips out his shell and warbles around]
[Fry gags][Scene: Nude beach crowded with all maner of life forms. The crew are sitting on lounge chairs]
Bender: You know, it's funny.
Bender: Your wiener!
Farnsworth: Well, I'm going in the water to prune up a bit before I strut. Who's with me?
Amy: I'm in!
Leela: I'm in.
Bender: Yeah, I'll go.
Fry: You guys go ahead. I gotta find the bartender and deliver this box of barstool softener.[Scene: outdoor bar on beach]Fry: Here's your package, sir.
Bartender: Why are you talking to my penis?
Fry: Oh, sorry. Sign here.
Bartender: Mind if I use your pen?
Fry: Well, that's not a...
[The bartender uses fry's "pen" to sign, Fry screams OC]
Fry: And initial here. [screams again OC]
Fry: Thank you for using Planet Express.
Leela: Hey, Fry, I didn't know you had a tattoo of Bender on your ass.
Fry: Me neither.
Bender: You got a tattoo of me? Neat. It's like looking in a smelly mirror.
Farnsworth: So he's got a little ink. Big whoop.
[Farnsworth walks away with a big tattoo on his back saying "THUG LIFE"]
[Scene: Bender in a beach chair. Solar panels deploy from his head]
Bender: Sweet photons. I don't know if you're waves or particles, but you go down smooth.
Nudar: Sir, would you care to sign our petition?
Bender: I support and oppose many things, but not strongly enough to pick up a pen.
Nudar: That's just what the guys who oppose the things you support want you to do.
Bender: Really? Down with those guys!
Flebb: And we'll need your e-mail address.
Bender: Hmm, they say you shouldn't give out your e-mail address.
Nudar: Right. That's just what those same guys say.
Bender: Them again?
[Bender signs "email@example.com" under "firstname.lastname@example.org" and "email@example.com"]
[The nude aliens are over by Leela and Amy]
Leela: I don't quite understand what this petition's about.
[Leela signs the petition]
Schlump: And your e-mail address.
Leela: You won't send me any spam, will you?
Nudar: Oh, no, no, no, no. Asterisk.
[Scene: Planet express lounge. The crew are checking their e-mails]
Leela's wrist thing: You've got spam.
Leela: Spam, spam, junk. The very last pygmy rhino is going extinct? Unless it gets my credit card number?
Amy: Spam. Spam. "Hi. How are you?" Oh, that must be from Kiffy.
Amy's computer: Hi, how are you? Low, low prices on erectile dysfunction remedies, sleeping pills, old-person drugs, and antidepressants.
Amy: Antidepressants? Well, I certainly don't want to get depressed.
Amy's computer: Please enter credit card number.
[Amy takes out a wad of cash]
Amy: Is cash okay?
[The computer literally sucks up the wad of cash]
[Bender is checking his e-mail inside of his head]
Bender: Porn. Porn. Free porn. Get rich watching porn? I find that rather hard to believe. [reading] Scientists at West Johnson Pornoversity need test subjects to rate top quality roborotica. Ooh, top-quality.
[A "Scan for virus?" alert pops up]
Bender: Warning, perform virus scan? I'm waiting for porn over here.
[Bender repeatedly clicks "No"]
Bender: Oh, yeah, come on, baby.
[An obedience virus downloads itself into bender, and he starting babbling nonsense]
[Zoidberg scuttles in]
Zoidberg: Friends, friends! His Majesty Prince Adisaraki O. Zoidberg of Nigeria died.
Amy: That's so sad. When will those antidepressants get here?
Zoidberg: Wait, there's more. According to this e-mail, I, Zoidberg, am his next of kin. Once I wire some good-faith money to an overseas bank account, I'll inherit his kingdom, his canoe, and his plump young wife.
[Hermes is sitting in a jar, which is being used as an umbrella stand]
Hermes: You dumb stumps. Don't you realize you're being scammed?
Zoidberg: That is low, Hermes. Just because you don't have a body, you don't want anyone else to be prince of Nigeria. Well, try and stop me from wiring that money.
[Zoidberg whoops and scuttles out, and runs into Farnsworth]
Farnsworth: What's going on here? According to my illegal key logging software, you've all been giving out personal information over the Internet. If Hermes were here, he'd fire you all.Hermes: I am here!Farnsworth: Quiet, you. In his absence, I'm calling a mandatory company security seminar. To the mandatorium!
[Scene: conference table.]
Farnsworth: Now, it's not hard to spot a phony Internet come-on. "Get rich quick x7 q"? Phony. "Lose weight with space parasites"? Phony. What's this? I've won the Spanish National Lottery?
Leela: No, it's a scam!
Farnsworth: Yes, yes, a scam. My goodness, I'm rich! And to think I didn't even know I had a ticket. I just need to wire some collateral to collect the winnings.
Hermes: Professor, stop! You're giving away personal information!
Farnsworth: I can afford to give away anything I want. I've won the Spanish National Lottery.
Amy: No, don't!
Leela: It's a scam!
Hermes: Why won't anybody listen to me?!?
Farnsworth: And my mother's maiden name and her bank account numbers and ... There! I'm rich. Rich. Rich!
[Door bell rings]
Farnsworth: That must be my $400 now. Hello. Or should I say, '"Buenos dias"?
Nudar: Hi. We own your company now.
[He shows Farnsworth the e-contract he just e-signatured]
Bender: I'll deal with these guys. Welcome, boss.
Nudar: Guess I was wrong. There was a robot stupid enough to download the obedience virus.
Bender: I sure was. Make a hole, chumps. [Bender imitates trumpet sounds] Presenting our new masters!
[Scene: Planet express hangar, it looks like an office now]
Bender [carrying a stack of crates bigger than he is]: Where shall I put these auto-dialers, kind master?
Nudar: Between the password crank and the spamjaculator. Come on! We've got a whole planet to scam. And bring me some more Gummi Fungus!
Leela: We don't have to stand here and take abuse from a gross nerd.
[Leela launches a flying kick at Nudar, but Nudar pulls out a remote control. He turns a knob, and Bender glides over in front of Nudar, blocking the kick]
Nudar: Now get back to work, you turkeys. Planet Express is still in business. We've got crap loads ofquote-unquote merchandise to deliver.
[Flebb puts a paper crown on Zoidberg's head, while Schlump puts some gummi fungus into a jar labeled "ANTI-DEPRESSENTS"]
Flebb: Ship them out, Your Highness.
Zoidberg: Finally, some respect.
[Zoidberg turns around and hands the “anti-depressants” to Amy, who eats one.]
Amy: I feel a little better.
[Scene: Planet Express Lounge]
Bender: Those marvelous scammers sure scammed us, huh?
Leela: How can you just sit there kissing the aliens' butt flaps? Don't you realize you are totally under their control?
Bender: Of course I realize it. Does that mean I can't enjoy it? Boy, were we suckers.
[Lars walks in, carrying a jar with the plate "Hermes Conrad"]
Lars: Greetings, earthlings.
Fry: Oh, hooray. It's handsome Lars and his fabulous jars.
Lars: Hello, everyone who isn't Leela. And a special hello to everyone else.
Hermes: Shut your lockers and get to class. How's my body doing?
Lars: Oh, I'm afraid it's behind schedule. The museum got tricked into giving all its funding to something called the Scamming Sciences Institute.
Bender: It's a fake place.
Hermes: Cut to the chase, baldy. When do I get my me back?
Lars: Well, it could be months, or even years.
Hermes: No! That body's the cornerstone of my marriage. What's LaBarbara going to do?
Amy: Spluh! She's going to go back to her first husband.
Zoidberg: Barbados Slim? I love that guy.
Hermes: Everybody loves Slim.
[A box of Bachelor Chow shows Barbados Slim dancing on the cover with his shirt off]
Hermes: He's the only man to ever win Olympic gold medals in both limbo and sex.
Lars: Well, maybe I should get going.
Fry: Yes, I'll show you out.
Amy: No, Leela will show him out.
Leela: No, Leela will show you out. Me. Leela.
[Scene: Planet Express door]
Lars: So your friend, Fry, seems nice. Are you and he dati--?
Lars: Good, because I was maybe thinking of asking you out for dinner.
Leela: Ohhhh. I'll start maybe thinking about saying "Sure, when?"
Lars: Let me maybe give it some thought.
Lars: Tomorrow at 8:00?
[Back at the lounge...]
Fry: It's no fair. I've loved Leela since the day I came to the future. Did I show you the macaroni valentine I made for her?
Fry: Look at it again. I know she thinks I'm immature, but someday I won't be. And deep down in my heart, I know we'll end up together. It's all there in the macaroni.
Leela: Lars asked me out!
[The Leela in the macaroni falls away, and the macaroni fry changes to a sad expression]
[Scene: Planet Express Hangar]
Bender: What are you doing, wonderful masters?
Schlump: Sprunjing for information.
[Nudar sprunjes a wall]
Nudar: Oh! There's something here. I can sprunje it. Robot, tear it open!
Bender: Goody, goody, goody, goody!
[Bender starts hitting the wall with his head]
Zoidberg: What's that thing on your neck?
Nudar: Checking out my sprunjer, huh?
Zoidberg: I guess. What does it do?
Nudar: It's a special sense organ our species possesses. It engorges in the presence of... [moans] Information.
Zoidberg: Lucky you. All I have is a gland that gives off foul odors when I'm bored.
[A quiet spraying sound is heard, then the nudists, Amy, and the Professor all look at Zoidberg and cover their noses]
[Bender finishes beating up the wall with his head]
Bender: Hey, look, a safe!
Farnsworth: That's my safe. I call keep-offsies.
Nudar: No callsies! Open it!
[Bender very gently puts his ear up to the door and turns the combination lock... only to punch right through the door and literally rip it off the wall.]
Flebb: It's a gold mine. Tax forms, Social Security cards. Combination hair, blood and stool samples!
[The nudists start moaning]
[Fry and Leela enter]
Fry: I don't get it. How can you say Lars is more mature than me?
Leela: Well, for one thing, his checkbook doesn't have the Hulk on it.
[The nude aliens walk over to Fry, moaning and all]
Nudar: Who are you?
Fry: Philip J. Fry.
Flebb: Social Security Number 03280810? Stool type, P-negative?
Fry: That's right.
Nudar: I've never detected so much information before. I think it may be a Level 87 code.
[Nibbler, watching from behind a crate, backs off whimpering]
Schumlp: Level 87? Can it be? I thought it was only a legend, but the sprunjer never lies.
Nudar: It's in his pants!
Fry: What the hell are you talking about?
[Nudar rips off the bottom of Fry's pants, revealing a tatoo of Bender smoking a cigar]
[Scene: The Professor's lab. Farnsworth wheels a giant microscope like thing over to where fry is laying face down, with his pants off]
Nudar [holding a laser to Farnsworth's head]: Faster, faster!
Farnsworth: I'm sciencing as fast as I can.
[Farnsworth hits a button and the Bender tatoo appears on a screen]
Bender: What do you say, folks? Hot or not?
Nudar: I'm not seeing any information. Do more things!
[Farnsworth presses a button the it magnifies to 10x. A binary code appears on the screen in Bender's eye]
Nudar: You, boogerbot, read the code or I'll shoot this guy.
Bender: Who the hell is he?
Scruffy: I'm Scruffy, the janitor.
Bender: Hang on, Scruffy! Zero, zero, one, one, zero, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one, one, one, one, zero, one, zero, zero, zero, zero, one, one, zero, one, one, zero, one, one, one, zero, zero, one, one.
[Pullback to: The god-like entity from the "Godfellas" episode]
[A green sphere appears and flies out of him towards earth. The sphere appears in front of Bender]
Flebb: A time sphere.
Nudar: Naked brothers, we have sprunjed upon the universal machine language time code. The key to time travel!
Leela: What's the secret of time travel doing on Fry's ass?
Fry: It was bound to be somewhere.
Schlump: Beyond this shimmering portal lie all the glories of history.
Nudar: And we can steal them! We just go to the past and take stuff with our superior weapons!
[Nibbler rides in on a guinea pig]
Nibbler: Stop, you fools!
[Nibber swallows the guinea pig whole]
Amy: What's going on?
Farnsworth: What is happening?
Leela: Nibbler, you... You can talk?
Nibbler: I can do more than talk. I can pontificate. You must not use the code of codes. With each and every use, you risk tearing the universe asunder.
Amy: Oh, he's so adorable.
Schlump: The poodle-monkey may be right. The legend warns that the code is powerful and dangerous.
Nudar: My God. We'd better use it only three or four times. Six, max.
Nibber: But even a single use could shatter the universe!
Nudar: Got it. Two or three times.
Nibbler: I see I have no choice. Nibblonians, attack!
[A squad of "Kitten-Class attack ships come crashing through the window, and start shooting lasers at the nude aliens]
???: Hey! That tickles.
Nudar: And the pitch!
[Nudar grabs a chair and swings it like a blernsball bat, striking an attacking Nibblonian ship]
Nibblonian: Mayday, mayday!
Aliens: Hey! Hey! Hey!
[A nibblonian ship flies over Zoidberg's head, taking the "crown with it", then hits a wall and explodes]
Nibbler: Alas, our kitten-class attack ships were no match for their mighty chairs. The universe is doomed. Doomed!
Fry: Can I pull up my pants now?