[Opening Credits. A remixed version of theme tune is performed. Caption: Thanks For Watching, Futurama Slave Army (in AL1).]
[Scene: Duraflame National Forest. The Planet Express ship flies over and lands at a camping site.]
[Time Lapse. The Planet Express staff hike through the woods.]
Farnsworth: Oh, Lord! Hiking is always such a strain on the buttocks.
[He is sat on a giant pair of robotic legs which do his walking for him. There is a noise.]
Fry: Shh! What was that sound?
Bender: It wasn't a bird's nest falling. That sounds like this. [He shakes a branch and a nest falls off it and breaks when it hits the ground. The two birds in it fly away, twittering.] Aww, they're so cute when they're scared.
Fry: I meant the sound Bigfoot just made. He's been sighted a lot in this area recently. Just last week, a blind hiker felt him.
Farnsworth: Don't tell me you actually believe in Bigfoot, you blathering ninny-hammer.
Fry: Of course I do! Bigfoot's my hero. Growing up, he was the celebrity I most identified with.
Fry: 'Cause he was a loner who hated the popular monsters yet longed to be one.
Zoidberg: (sadly) I can so relate to that.
[He cries and hugs Leela. She pushes him away.]
Leela: Ugh! Enough emotions! This isn't a fat camp, for God's sake. (quietly) Although you wouldn't know it from looking.
[Scene: Campsite. The staff set up. Zoidberg eats something, Leela and Amy set up their pop-up tent, Fry hammers his tent pegs into the ground with a frying pan and Bender lazes around with his arms and legs tied around a tree so it looks like he is lying in a hammock. He sighs.]
Zoidberg: Bender, if you want to sleep in the tent tonight, you're welcome to join me and Hermes for a little "just friends" spooning.
Bender: Nah, I'm comfy out here under the stars. [The trees collapse on top of him.] Real comfy!
[Scene: Ranger Station. The Planet Express employees and other campers that include Randy, Soupy, Sal and Petunia are gathered in the log building. The ranger has set up a projection screen at the front of the room and they all sit on benches.]
Ranger Park: Hey, I'm Ranger Park, the park ranger.
Fry: I get it!
Ranger Park: Now since this area's a national Bigfoot preserve, we'll start with a short film about Bigfoot while I make a few phone calls.
[He dims the lights and turns on the projector. "Bigfoot" appears on the screen.]
Narrator: [voice-over; in movie] Bigfoot ... [A hand stamps some words over the caption.] ... Endangered Mystery! [The movie shows a map of North America.] In the dense forests of the Pacific Northwest ... [The scene changes to the Patterson-Gimlin film.] ... dwells the strange and beautiful creature known as Bigfoot, perhaps.
Fry: That proves it!
[In the movie the Clearcutter cuts down some trees.]
Narrator: [voice-over; in movie] Sadly, logging and human settlement today threaten what might possibly be his habitat. Although if it's not, they don't. Bigfoot populations require vast amounts of land to remain elusive in. [The scene changes to some rocks.] They typically dwell just behind rocks but are also sometimes playful, bounding into thick fogs and out-of-focus areas.
[The scene changes to a foggy forest. Park talks on the phone at the back of the room.]
Ranger Park: It should say "Top Quality Exercycle For Sale" and could you put "top quality" in bold? You can't? OK, whatever.
[In the movie someone photographs the woods.]
Narrator: [voice-over; in movie] Remember, it's up to us. Bigfoot is a crucial part of the ecosystem, if he exists. So let's all help keep Bigfoot possibly alive for future generations to enjoy unless he doesn't exist. The end.
[The movie ends with "The End" and "MMCMLXII - Most Rights Reserved".]
Ranger Park: I-I gotta call you back. [He hangs up.] Alright, questions?
Sal: Yeah. Have yous ever seens Bigfeet?
Ranger Park: Technically, no. But I do see him each night in my dreams and each day in the silent faces of hairy children.
[Farnsworth stands up and shakes his fist.]
Farnsworth: (shouting) Bunk! Bunk I say! Bring me a bag full of Bigfoot's droppings or shut up!
Ranger Park: [holding up a bag] I have the droppings of someone who saw Bigfoot.
Farnsworth: Shut up!
[Bender stands up and points out the window.]
Bender: Oh, my God! Look! It's Bigfoot!
[Park holds up a camera and autograph book and runs to the window.]
Ranger Park: Where?
Bender: Eh, he's gone. He said you should keep wasting your life though.
Petunia: Oh! I saw Bigfoot crushing cars at the county fair.
Ranger Park: What you saw was Bigfoot the monster truck. But thanks for a great question.
[She groans and walks out muttering. Fry raises his hand.]
Fry: Sir, if I may, why don't you just set up like a billion video cameras in the woods and see if he walks by one?
Ranger Park: Ah, that would be very expensive, and most people who believe in Bigfoot are broke.
Bender: Hey, look! Bigfoot! He's back!
Ranger Park: Where?
Bender: Up your face! [He laughs.] Everybody do the Bender!
[Scene: Campsite. Night has fallen. Leela and Amy lie on a blanket while the others sit around the fire.]
Amy: The sky out here is amazing. Look at all those satellites.
[The satellites fly around the sky like shooting stars. A "Bachelor Chow" ad flies by along with a "Drink Shiz!" ad and one that reads "Top Quality Exercycle For Sale".]
[Time Lapse. Everyone turns in.]
Farnsworth: Goodnight, employees.
[He disappears into his tent.]
Zoidberg: Goodnight, Hubert.
[The "camera" pans across the tents and we see the silhouettes of the staff. Zoidberg and Hermes lie down. Amy zips closed hers and Leela's tent and Leela sprays her boots with something. Fry pokes his head of his tent.]
Fry: You doin' alright out there, buddy?
[Bender's head lights up like a fly killer.]
Bender: Better than these gnats! [He zaps a few more and laughs.] That guy won't be goin' home to his kids.
[Time Lapse. Everyone sleeps. Bender shivers and rotates his head around like an owl. Something "coos".]
Bender: Who's that? A wolf? Or some kind of boogen? Oh, God, I wish I was safe inside a tent. [He hides behind a rock.] (deep voice) Fry! Fry wake up! It's me, Bigface!
[Cut to: Fry's Tent. Fry wakes up.]
Bender: (from outside) Come out and groom my mangy fur!
Fry: [turning on his lamp] Huh? Bigfoot? You taught yourself English?
[Cut to: Campsite. Fry emerges from his tent brushing his teeth.]
Fry: Bigfoot? Bigfoot?
[He runs off into the woods. Bender emerges from the rock, chuckling. He crawls into Fry's tent, crawls around panting like a dog and finally lies down and turns off the light.]
[Cut to: Duraflame National Forest.]
Fry: Bigfoot? Is that you? I'm not like the others, Bigfoot; I see through your monster coatings to the gentle loner inside. I bet you have a wounded racoon friend that you tenderly nurse back to health while you go... [He "coos".] But in the end they shoot you. But you teach us about things. [He walks into a clearing and looks around. Birds fly out from trees and the ground begins to shake. A strong wind blows leaves and things past Fry and a darkened flying saucer appears from over the trees. It lights up and beam of light engulfs Fry. He looks up and unshields his eyes.] Oh. Just a flying saucer. (shouting) Excuse me? You can't park here. The parking area's over there. [A tube extends from the spacecraft and zigzags around à la the Windows 3D Pipes screensaver.] Wow! Nice tube. [It sucks him up.] Hey! Hey, what's the big idea? Stop abducting me. Why does your vanity plate say "Probe 1"?
[He screams as he disappears inside the ship. The pipe retracts back into the ship and it flies away.]
[Scene: Campsite. Morning has broken and everyone emerges from their tents. Leela walks to the river and dunks her hands in.]
Leela: There's nothing so refreshing as the clean, crisp taste of this bold Canadian beer.
[She pulls a bottle out of the river and drinks from it. Hermes juggles a paper roll in his hands.]
Hermes: Well, see you in an hour. I gotta go do some business behind that tree.
[Behind the tree Hermes attaches the paper roll to a calculator and does some business -- calculations. Bender struggles and mutters inside Fry's tent and rips it apart.]
Amy: Bender, wasn't that Fry's tent?
Bender: (mocking) "Bender"!
[He makes mocking noises.]
Leela: Bender raises a good point: Where is Fry?
[Cut to: Duraflame National Forest. Fry stumbles through the woods with his back turned to the "camera" à la The Blair Witch Project. A rat pokes its head out of a packet of Cheez Nubs and screams.]
[Cut to: Campsite. Fry reaches the edge of the woods and walks into the campsite, still with his back turned.]
Fry: Amy, you won't believe what happened ... [She looks up.] ... it was so scary that you wouldn't-- [She screams and runs.] I know, but listen, it gets even scarier.
Farnsworth: Fry! What in Sega Genesis happened to you?
Fry: That's what I'm trying to tell you. See-- [The staff gather around.] Why are you all staring at me like that? Is there something on my face?
Hermes: Uh ... no.
[Fry has no nose.]
Leela: Someone should tell him.
Fry: Tell me what?
Zoidberg: Well I have a lot of experience telling patients bad news, so let me break it to him gently. [He shakes him.] (shouting) Fry, you have no nose! Your nose is gone! You have no nose on your face! Where it is I can't say but on your face it's not!
[He pokes his face and looks at his reflection in Bender's door. He screams.]
Bender: Aww! I think it's sweet. You chopped off your nose so you could look more like your hero. Me, Bender!
Fry: [poking his face] My God! They must have taken it last night.
Farnsworth: Which last night?
Fry: In the woods. I was walking ... for Bigfoot, looking ... and then aliens beamed me up.
Amy: Were they little grey dudes with big oval heads? [Fry taps where his nose would be.] I don't get that gesture. Am I wrong?
Zoidberg: Cheer up, friend. When we get home a high-quality prosthesis will have you looking good as new.
[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry sits at the table wearing joke glasses, nose and moustache.]
Fry: I'm a pathetic freak. My life is ruined.
Hermes: Man, you are such a jokester!
Fry: I'll never have another moment of happiness.
[Everyone else laughs.]
Leela: I know you're trying to mask your pain with humour, but don't worry. I'm sure the Professor can clone you a new nose.
Fry: [taking off the glasses] Eh, it wouldn't be the same. I want my nose. I don't want to have to teach a new one how to shoot milk when I laugh.
Farnsworth: Well there's no sense fretting. Good Lord, you're ugly! The fact is your nose is gone and we'll never find out who did it or why.
[Enter Bender panting and gasping.]
Bender: (gasping) Guys! Guys! There's something on television.
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. The staff sit and stand, watching a news report.]
Linda: [on TV] Alien abductions: Until now, a harmless nuisance. But recently they've taken on a sinister dimension as unsuspecting victims are returned ... without noses.
[Behind her, a picture of the hardhat guy changes from one with a nose to one without.]
Fry: Like me!
Morbo: [on TV] The culprits: Shameless poachers, hunting humans without a permit.
[The scene on TV changes to a picture of a grey alien with a gun over his shoulder. He holds a nose. Back to the studio.]
Linda: [on TV] The valuable nose, or "human horn", fetches a high price on alien worlds as an aphrodisiac.
Fry: My nose is an aphrodisiac? [He retches.] I'm gonna drop a barf!
Morbo: [on TV] Demand for human horn is great, due, in part, to titillating scenes from depraved alien TV programmes too filthy for Earth broadcast. Let's watch.
[The scene changes to two Neptunian lovers on a bed together. The man holds up two noses. The woman gasps.]
Neptunian Woman: [on TV] Human horn? But ... it is forbidden!
Neptunian Man: [on TV] So is our love.
[He grates a horn onto her shoulder and licks it off. They make out. Fry turns the TV off.]
Fry: Blech! We have to track down my nose before some alien snarfs it and does the worm. Who's in?
[Leela stands up.]
Leela: Me and Bender and maybe Zoidberg if he feels like it.
Zoidberg: No, I'm good.
[Scene: The ship flies towards the Galactic Bazaar (Offering Legal Items, etc). It is a run-down space station.]
[Scene: Galactic Bazaar. The place is filled with aliens. The trio walk past Joe Camel who tries on some shades. Fry wears a strap-on red nose. They pass a stall where an alien buys something.]
Alien: Let's see, I'll take a pancreas, two sphincters and a large Coke.
Vendor: One number three combo!
Fry: It's no use. We've been to every scuzzy bazaar in the galaxy, including Pottery Barn.
Leela: Wait. What's that?
[She points at The Beast With Two Bucks Sex Shoppe.]
[Cut to: The Beast With Two Bucks Sex Shoppe. Enter Fry, Bender and Leela. The salesman is a chameleon-like alien.]
Salesman: Welcome, friends. How may I pervert you?
Fry: Uh, I'm looking for human horn.
Salesman: (whispering) Shh! You're not cops, right?
Leela: Of course not. In fact, he's a crook.
[She points at Bender.]
Bender: Yep. Stolen Pez anyone?
[He holds up a Calculon-head Pez and hands them around. The salesman eats it and pulls back a curtain.]
Salesman: Right this way.
[Scene: Back Room. The salesman gets something from off a high shelf and unwraps it.]
Salesman: Human horn. So fresh you can still see the eyeglass marks.
[Fry looks at the noses.]
Fry: Nope. Uh-uh. Ew! [He pulls out a photo of him and Slurms MacKenzie and points at his nose on the photo.] Now look. This is the nose we want. Did you sell it to somebody?
Salesman: I'm sorry, sir, but due to the perverted nature of our business, customer records are strictly confidential. [Leela punches him.] Right this way.
[Cut to: Video Room. The salesman pulls another curtain across. In the room is a TV and a wall lined with video tapes.]
Salesman: I video-tape everyone who comes in here so I can blackmail them later. [The crew gag.] Hey, I'm a porno-dealing monster, what do I care what you think? Here's the weirdo who bought your horn.
[He puts the tape in the machine. On the screen a badly-disguised yet familiar alien walks into the Sex Shoppe. Leela gasps.]
Leela: That's Lrrr! Ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8.
Lrrr: [on TV] You got any, uh, you know, uh (muttering) human horn?
Salesman: [on TV] Speak up! You're muttering!
Lrrr: [on TV] I said, uh (whispering) human horn?
Salesman: [whispering; on TV] You're not a cop, right?
Lrrr: [on TV] Oh, no, no. I'm just some guy ... ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8!
[The dealer hands him a horn over the counter. Fry and Leela nod to each other.]
[Scene: The ship flies towards Omicron Persei 8 and lands outside the castle.]
[Scene: Omicronian Castle. Lrrr and Nd-Nd sit on thrones and Fry, Leela and Bender stand in front of them with guards either side.]
Lrrr: So let me get this straight: If I buy eight Caramello bars, you all get to go to some camp.
Bender: Yep. That's exactly the lie we used to get past your guards.
[Fry steps forward and bows.]
Fry: Oh, great space king, I humbly beg you to return my human horn.
Lrrr: Uh, human horn? How ridiculous! Why would a virile male like Lrrr need human horn? I don't even know what it's for. What is it, something you-you put in salad dressing?
Nd-Nd: Like you've ever seen a salad.
Lrrr: My weight is appropriate and attractive!
Leela: Whoa! You guys have issues.
Lrrr: She has issues! I'm fine! But there's no human horn around here, so make friends with the door.
Fry: (sadly) Alright. I give up. I guess I'll just go home and marry a skunk.
Nd-Nd: Oh, let's just give it to him. [She picks up a box.] Here.
Fry: My nose! Light of my face!
Lrrr: Uh, what is that? How do you have that, Nd-Nd? [He pulls his cape string like a collar.] I've never seen it before. My friend left it here.
[Fry takes his nose out of the box and puts it on his face.]
Leela: Hold still, Fry. I can reattach it with my emergency face laser.
[She presses a button on her wrist machine and a laser seals the nose to Fry's face, burning his cheek a little.]
Fry: Hey! You burned my cheek!
Leela: Yeah, sorry, I wasn't really concentrating.
Fry: No, I mean the singed flesh, I can smell it! [He sniffs.] And those lilacs on the table.
Lrrr: At least someone noticed.
Nd-Nd: For the last time, I don't like lilacs! Your first wife was the one who liked lilacs.
Lrrr: She also liked to shut up!
Fry: Well, great seeing you. I guess we'll be on our--
Bender: Yo, Highness. Uh, just out of robo-curiosity, why would you use a guy's nose for an aphrodisiac instead of his, you know, wing-dang-doodle?
Lrrr: But, uh, I thought the horn was the human wing-dang-doodle.
Bender: No, sir, chief! The main event, so to speak, is downstairs near the wallet. Ever seen soccer players line up to block a free kick? They ain't covering their noses, I'll tell you that much. Well, see you!
[He turns to leave.]
Lrrr: Interesting. The trousers conceal a tiny secondary horn.
Fry: Hey, what've you heard?
Lrrr: (shouting) Guards! Seize him! [They do. Fry screams.] Prepare to harvest the lower horn!
[Fry looks around scared.]
Fry: OK, you can have my nose.
[He pulls it off.]
[Time Lapse. Fry's nose is back on and he whimpers.]
Guard #1: Yeah?
Lrrr: Remove the human's lower horn and prepare it to be eaten by me.
Nd-Nd: In other words, slop a lot of ketchup and salt on it.
Lrrr: Then bring it to our royal bedchamber and put it in the sock drawer with all the other things that have failed to arouse my passion for this woman.
[The second guard takes out a cutting machine. Fry squeals.]
Guard #2: Remove pants!
Fry: Wait! Listen. I'm usually the first guy to toot my own lower horn--
Bender: (shouting) I'll say!
Fry: But in this case I-I just don't think it'll do any good.
Bender: (shouting) That's what she said!
[He hoots again.]
Leela: Let's face it, you two have deep relationship problems that can't be solved by an aphrodisiac.
Fry: However huge it might be.
Nd-Nd: So what do you suggest, painfully-single human?
Leela: Well, why don't you think back to what brought you together in the first place?
Nd-Nd: Oh, I don't know. Lrrr used to be so tender.
Lrrr: I only wrote that poem to test my printer.
Nd-Nd: We'd go walking in the woods and Lrrr would find injured little tinkle-bunnies and nurse them back to health.
Lrrr: Yes, but I'm the one who injured them!
Nd-Nd: Oh, shush. You stepped on them by accident and then you cried all night. That's the kind of sensitive man you used to be.
Lrrr: And you used to wear a size-3 cape. (shouting) But not anymore! Now bring me that lower horn while I'm still in the mood.
[The guard starts the cutter again.]
Fry: Wh-What if we helped you get your passion back without the hassle of mutilating me?
Leela: Yeah, we know a great place in the mountains. We could take you there for a romantic dinner under the stars.
Nd-Nd: Hmm. Sounds interesting. But he would never do it.
Lrrr: Like hell I wouldn't. I'm not gonna be blamed for not going.
Fry: Then it's a deal. We get one night. I keep my horn as long as you two end up doing the horizontal monster mash.
[Bender hoots and laughs.]
Bender: I don't get it!
[Scene: Duraflame National Forest. Lrrr and Nd-Nd are seated at a table under the night sky. The trees have lights strung around them. Bender carries a box of Monsieur Carton.]
Bender: Bonjour. May I offer you a box of wine for the edge of the table?
Lrrr: No, thanks. Just water, please. Tap water!
Nd-Nd: (sarcastic) Oh, big spender!
Lrrr: (shouting) That's it! This date is over. Waiter!
[The guards wheel Fry to the table in a cage. He is dressed in a snappy suit.]
Fry: So, what can I get you this evening?
Lrrr: Your lower horn!
Fry: I'll just start you off with some bread. Some sexy, arousing bread!
Lrrr: Fine! But none of that whole-grain goat food. And bring plenty of melted butter.
Nd-Nd: Why don't you just inject some fat straight into your ass and cut out the middle man?
Lrrr: One of these days, Nd-Nd. Bang! Zoom! Straight to the third moon of Omicron Persei 8!
[Time Lapse. Lrrr and Nd-Nd eat.]
Lrrr: [eating] Mmm! This jerked chicken is good. I think I'll have Fry's lower horn jerked.
Bender: (shouting) It's used to it!
[He hoots. Fry is wheeled to the table.]
Fry: So, uh, how are you two snooky-poopums doing?
Lrrr: My wife is right, for once. There's very little magic in the air. Ready the lower horn transport vessel.
[A guard pours some ice into a cooler. Fry squeals.]
Bender: Boy, who knew a cooler could also make a handy wang coffin? [He takes a six pack out of his chest cabinet.] Hey, uh, mind if I stick these in here?
Guard #1: Go for it.
Leela: Don't worry, Fry. Things look bad but I still have a trump card; the most beautiful love song ever written.
(singing badly) And I will always love you,
[The Omicronians cover their ears.]
Will always love you.
Nd-Nd: The humans are attacking!
Lrrr: Pluck the lower horn and let's get out of here!
[The guard starts the cutter.]
Bender: Quick, Fry! Run for it!
[He pushes Fry's cage and it rolls away, bouncing down hills and through trees.]
Fry: Come on, freedom cage! Roll me to safety! [It flips over and rolls through a campfire, setting it and Fry alight. It hits a tree and the door falls open. Fry steps out and pats out the fire.] Yes! I never thought I'd escape with my doodle, but I pulled it out!
Bender: (shouting) Just like at the movie theatre!
[He hoots and Lrrr grabs Fry.]
Lrrr: Give me that!
[Fry screams. A guard starts the cutter and the other opens the cooler. Leela gasps. There is a growl and Bigfoot emerges from the trees.]
Fry: Bigfoot! He's real! I knew it! The Loch Ness Monster's book was right!
[Bigfoot stops and sniffs the Omicronians.]
Lrrr: Well, hello there, my furry friend.
Nd-Nd: Look at his adorable little feet. [Bigfoot bangs his chest, growls and throws leaves into the air. Lrrr chuckles.] Yes, you are a cutie-pie.
[Ranger Park arrives with his camera.]
Ranger Park: Holy macaroni! [He takes some photos.] I can't believe I'm seeing Bigfoot! He's in focus! Oh, I've waited my entire life for this moment.
[He pulls out a gun and points it at Bigfoot. Everyone mutters.]
Bender: What are you doing with that?
[Lrrr steps forward.]
Lrrr: You're going to kill this innocent giganto?
Ranger Park: Of course not. I'm just gonna tranquilize him so I can chop off his feet as proof he exists. Then dump him back in the wild. He'll do fine.
[He aims the gun. Lrrr steps in front and Nd-Nd stands at his side.]
Lrrr: You'll have to get through me first.
Ranger Park: OK. Nighty night!
[He shoots but the tranquilizer dart bounces off Lrrr. Lrrr vaporises the gun.]
Lrrr: Now leave this gentle Sasquatch, or Wood Ape, in peace so I can finally and at long last harvest this pathetic human's lower horn.
Lrrr: Wait. What am I saying? If I poach this beast's lower horn, am I any better than that ranger with his demented foot lust? Yes. But not by enough.
[Park walks behind Bigfoot and cuts off a tuft of his fur.]
Ranger Park: Score!
[Bigfoot scratches himself.]
Lrrr: This human's lower horn is one of God's creatures, a living thing, and all living things, large and small--
Bender: (shouting) In this case "small"!
Lrrr: Have dignity and a spark of the divine.
Nd-Nd: That's the gentle, sensitive, poet warlord I fell in love with.
[She hugs him and they both crush Fry between them. He squeezes out and Lrrr and Nd-Nd kiss. Bender, Fry and Leela avoid watching.]
Lrrr: (shouting) Uh, you'll wanna retreat to a safe, 500-metre radius!
Leela: Well, Fry, it looks like you get to hold onto your lower horn.
Bender: As usual! [He hoots.] (shouting) Run away!
[They run and Bigfoot stays and watches Lrrr and Nd-Nd on the ground before returning to the forest.]
[Closing Credits. Over the credits is a deleted scene from The Birdbot Of Ice-Catraz. The opening titles of The Scary Door play.]
Narrator: [voice-over; on TV] You're on a scenic route through a state recreation known as the human mind. You ask a passer-by for directions, only to find he has no face or something. Suddenly, up ahead, a door in the road. You swerve, narrowly avoiding The Scary Door.
[The Scary Door graphic appears on the TV and shatters. In a lab, a mad scientist pours stuff from one bottle to another.]
Scientist: [on TV] I have combined the DNA of the world's most evil animals to make the most evil creature of them all.
[He pours the liquid into a machine and it crackles and a door in it opens. A man emerges from the smoke.]
Man: [on TV] It turns out it's Man.
[Dramatic, incidental music.]