4acv09: Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles
From The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Now Interactive! Joystick Controls Fry's Left Ear!]
[Scene: Outside Planet Express. A large gargoyle breaks through the dome roof and flies away.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Attic Room. Farnsworth shakes his fist.]
Farnsworth: Pazuzu, you ungrateful gargoyle! I put you through college, and this is how you repay me?
[A wad of gargoyle guano lands on his face.]
[Scene: Ships Cockpit. Farnsworth is dressed in a long coat, a scarf and driving goggles. He puts on some driving gloves. Leela, Bender and Fry are with him.]
Farnsworth: Let's get this gargoyle hunt on the road. Driving gloves, driving goggles, driving thong. There!
[He sits down in the pilot's seat.]
Leela: Uh, maybe I should drive.
Farnsworth: You? A woman? I'm trying to catch a monster, not find the quickest route to the mall! Let me just adjust the seat.
[He pulls a lever and the seat moves forward until his face is pressed up against the windscreen. He starts the engine and the ship shakes.]
Fry: My God! He's gonna do it! Everybody, seatbelts to maximum buckling.
[Several seatbelts wrap around Fry and Leela. Bender takes out a nail gun and nails himself to the wall. The ship takes off.]
[Scene: Space Road. The ship joins the fast-moving traffic and causes a tailback.]
Farnsworth: (shouting; from ship) Pazuzu? Oh, Pazuzu?
[Randy pulls up alongside him.]
Randy: (from car) Hey, grandpa, move your wrinkly old kiester!
[He drives away. Farnsworth takes a little time to react.]
Farnsworth: (from ship) Shut up!
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]
Leela: For Heaven's Gate, Professor. This ship can do 99% light speed. Why are we going 35 miles an hour?
Farnsworth: Because we're in a hurry, that's why.
Leela: Plus, you have the high beams on!
[Cut to: Space Road. The high beams point at a road sign directing drivers to the eastern half of the universe.]
Farnsworth: (from ship) I can't quite read the sign. [The high beams vaporise the sign and then destroy a space station similar to Deep Space Nine.] Pazuzu? Pazuzu?
[Scene: The ship flies over a sign that reads "Welcome to Florida. Official State Jokes: Old People. Walking Catfish. Recounts."]
[Scene: Outside Gummer's Cafeteria. Farnsworth lands the ship in a disabled space and they get out.]
Bender: Yo, Captain Cataract? What are we doing here?
Farnsworth: Oh, it's 2.30. We can still catch the early bird dinner special.
Fry: Uh, aren't we looking for your gargoyle?
Farnsworth: My wha?
[Scene: Gummer's Cafeteria.]
Farnsworth: Hello, Mavis! Surprised to see me back again so soon?
Wanda: Mavis is dead.
Farnsworth: I expect you'll want to see my angry, crotchety, grandpa discount card.
[He hands her a card and she reads it.]
Wanda: Sir, this card has expired.
Farnsworth: But it's good for a lifetime.
Wanda: Well, yours expired.
[Time Lapse. Farnsworth sits down. Fry, Leela and Bender are already eating. Farnsworth gets out his teeth and puts them on the table. Leela covers her eyes in disbelief.]
Leela: Oh, Lord! Teeth do not belong in your pants, Professor.
Farnsworth: Well, I can't keep them in my mouth. They're nuclear-powered!
[He presses a button on a remote control and the teeth start chomping his food. They bite Fry.]
Fry: Ow! It bit my finger!
[The teeth rapidly chomping.]
Leela: No! No! It's tasted human blood!
[The teeth start flying around the room, biting people. Farnsworth slurps his slop through a straw, oblivious.]
Farnsworth: Mmm! Damn good meat!
[Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth sits asleep at the desk, snoring. The staff enter.]
Leela: Professor, we've talked it over and everybody thinks you're too old.
Amy: Right on.
Hermes: We've decided to do the merciful thing and have you euthasised.
Farnsworth: Dear God, no!
Amy: Oh, relax, Professor. "Youthasizing" is a trendy, new spa treatment. It's this season's shark-cartilage enema.
Farnsworth: But I like being old. I don't have to talk to my parents, no one asks me to help move their stuff, I don't need to understand today's "edgy" TV sitcoms.
Leela: OK, OK. We're not gonna force you until I finish this sentence. Get him!
[Fry, Hermes and Leela grab Farnsworth. He screams and they carry him out.]
Farnsworth: (shouting) My thong!
[Scene: The ship flies towards an asteroid and lands outside the Bubbling Geezer Hot Spring Spa.]
[Scene: The Bubbling Geezer Hot Spring Spa. A Neptunian woman greets the staff.]
Heather: Hi! I'm Heather, your personal Youthasizer. Let's get started with a nice botulism treatment, shall we?
Farnsworth: Go to hell, Heather!
Heather: Oh! [She smiles and draws a syringe of warm canned mushrooms.] In small doses, botchelism toxin tightens and tones the facial muscles instead of killing you in the most horrible fashion imaginable.
[She injects it into him and his face tightens.]
Farnsworth: Give me back my floppy face!
[Scene: The Bubbling Geezer Hot Spring Spa Massage Parlour. A pink, tentacled alien massages Farnsworth.]
Farnsworth: Careful with the giblets!
Heather: Hmm. You're still retaining a lot of grump in these joints. [She turns to the masseuse.] More pressure.
[It applies more pressure and Farnsworth's skin oozes off the table. He sighs.]
[Scene: The Bubbling Geezer Hot Spring Spa Tar Pits. Heather scans Farnsworth with an age scanner.]
Heather: Since this is such a serious case of old, we'll have to try our strongest treatment: A soothing full-body bath in searing-hot tar. [She indicates the pits.] Sir, it's not necessary or wise to be naked.
Farnsworth: You sound just like my tennis instructor.
[He climbs into the tar.]
Heather: The tar blisters the age right out of the body in what top scientists suspect is a miracle.
[She pumps more tar into the bath. Farnsworth gets up.]
Farnsworth: Oh, I don't have time for this. I have to go and buy a single piece of fruit with a coupon and then return it, making people wait behind me while I complain.
Fry: He still sounds sorta old. Sorta real old.
[Bender pushes Heather away from the pump and rolls up his sleeves.]
Bender: Step aside, lady. [He starts pumping.] Like everything else in life, pumping is just a primitive, degenerate form of bending. [He pumps harder and the tar starts bobbing around. It throws Farnsworth up and down. The staff watch.] (mean voice) C'mon, Bender, pump harder! Harder! (weak voice) I'm trying as hard as I can. (mean voice) Harder, damn you!
[The ground beneath the staff starts to crack and the tar and Farnsworth fly into the air. The ground gives way and the staff slide into the pit. The tar lands back on top of them and covers them. They climb out as blackened figures. Farnsworth takes a towel from Heather and wipes the tar away. He now has a full head of hair and his wrinkles are gone.]
Farnsworth: Well, that was an utter waste of time.
[The staff gasp.]
Amy: Professor, it worked! You look young enough to be my father!
Farnsworth: Poodle spit! [Heather scans him and the scanner displays "53". He gasps.] 53 years old? [He sighs.] Now I'll need a fake ID to rent ultra-porn.
Fry: (voice breaking) This is great, Professor! We should go out and celebrate!
[He wipes the tar away from his face and Heather scans him, showing that he is 14. The rest of the staff are younger as well. Amy is fat and Hermes has an afro. Amy gasps and cries.]
Farnsworth: Dear Lord! You've all reverted to your childhood forms.
[Zoidberg is very small and crawls along the ground.]
Zoidberg: Hooray! I'm a teenage heartthrob again!
[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room.]
Farnsworth: While I try to restore our normal ages, I expect you all to go about your jobs like responsible professionals.
[Someone fires a spit ball at him and everyone laughs.]
Hermes: It wasn't me, Mr. F. It was Amy! [He fires one at Zoidberg.] Stop it, Amy!
Amy: You stink!
[She feebly hits him.]
Hermes: You know you did it!
[The kids start arguing.]
Farnsworth: Quiet! Quiet, I say!
[He presses a button and a holographic mushroom cloud appears in the middle of the table. Enter LaBarbara and Dwight.]
LaBarbara: We're here to take my little stub of a husband home. Hermes, say goodbye to Mr. Farnsworth.
Hermes: Goodbye, Mr. Dumbsworth!
[He and Dwight laugh.]
Leela: Hey! This my chance to spend time with my parents too.
Fry: But your parents are gross sewer mutants.
[A huge spit ball hits him and knocks him off his chair. Bender laughs.]
Leela: When I was an orphan, I always wished I could grow up with my mom and dad. And now, thanks to being hurled backwards in time--
Farnsworth: That's not what happened! Shut up and go live with your parents.
[Scene: Outside Planet Express. Leela walks out of the building with a backpack and opens a manhole cover. She climbs down the ladder.]
[Cut to: Sewer.]
[Scene: The Turangas' Living Room. Leela is with her parents.]
Leela: It's gonna be totally awesome, Mom! You and me can bake and argue about my hairstyle hiding my pretty face. And if some kid picks on me, my dad can beat up his dad.
Morris: Can't I just beat up the kid?
Munda: Well, OK, Leela. If you think you can put up with your father, then welcome home. We'll try to respect your independence and freedom.
Leela: No! I want the real teen experience: Chores, curfew, the works!
Morris: Fine, Sweetiekins, we'll be the strictest parents ever. Now, let's all have some tequila to celebrate!
Leela: Dad! I'm underage!
Morris: Oh, right. Here's a silly straw.
[He puts the straw in the bottle.]
[Scene: Amy's Bedroom. Amy lies in her bed and Leo and Inez sit on the end.]
Mrs. Wong: Oh, my Amy's sweet little girl again! This is like a mother's dream. Bad dream, that is! At this rate, I'm never going to get a grandchild!
Mr. Wong: Maybe she not grown up but she sure grown out! She fat!
Amy: Dad, if you're gonna make fat jokes till I get cute again, I'm just gonna stay in my room.
Mr. Wong: Stay in room? You so fat, you gonna stay all around room!
[Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab.]
Farnsworth: I've got to find a way to escape the horrible ravages of youth. Suddenly I'm going to the bathroom like clockwork every three hours. And those jerks at social security stopped sending me checks. Now I have to pay them!
Bender: I'm tired of your yapping. [He rides into the room on a motorbike and knocks over a table.] All you ever do is complain, you never try to make things better. Well, I'm running away from this dead-end family! I know there's a place for people like me with new ideas. There has to be!
Farnsworth: Fine! Get going!
Bender: Oh, I'm going! You're gonna be all "Where's Bender? I miss Bender".
Farnsworth: We won't know that until you leave.
Bender: Oh, I'm leaving!
Farnsworth: There's the door.
[Bender thinks for a moment.]
Bender: I'll be good.
[Scene: The Turangas' Living Room. Munda sweeps white flakes off the sofa.]
Munda: Ah, do you have to shed your skin on the couch? What do we live in, a zoo?
[The doorbell rings.]
Morris: I'm getting the doorbell. [He gets up and opens the door. Fry stands in the doorway with flowers.] For me?
Fry: (voice breaking) Oh, uh, hello, sir. It's a lovely evening you have tonight. Um, I'm here to pick up your daughter.
[Leela comes down the stairs wearing a dress. She has a bow in her hair.]
Leela: Hi, Fry! I like your blazer.
Fry: Thanks. These aren't pockets, they're just flaps. I put my money in my sock.
Munda: So, where are you taking my daughter tonight?
Fry: (voice breaking) A movie. (deep voice) A movie, ma'am.
[He winks at Leela and she smiles.]
Morris: Well, whatever you're really doing, don't wake us if you get in after 12.
Leela: Dad, you're being too lenient again! I have to be back by 11.
Munda: OK, OK. You're the boss!
Leela: No, I'm not!
[Scene: Outside Stenchy's. At the mutant cafe, Fry and Leela sit in a car looking at the menus.]
Fry: I'd like a sewer burger but without the rat faeces.
Leela: What are you, on a diet?
[A car pulls up beside them with a mutant with moose antlers in his head and a girl with eyes on stalks inside.]
Moose: Uh, Leela, you look hot.
Mandy: Jeez, Moose! Just dump me right in front of her, why don't you.
Leela: Moose, Mandy; this is my friend Fry, from the surface.
Mandy: Oh, so this is the famous Fry. What is he, like, the biggest loser on the surface so he has to hang out in the sewer?
Fry: (whispering) They're onto me!
Leela: Hey, come on! Let's act like grown-ups here. Wanna race?
Moose: Uh, yeah!
[They pulls away from Stenchy's and start racing through the sewer tunnels. Fry and Leela are lagging behind. Fry shuffles up to Leela and tries to put his arm around her but the car jerks and he falls over.]
[Cut to: Sewage Treatment Plant. Sal puts something in the tanks.]
Sal: Theres. The world's drinkings water is safes for another days. [Moose's car comes flying through.] Whoas! [Followed by Leela's car.] Cripe!
[Cut to: Sewers. The cars scrape the sides of the tunnel and make sparks. Leela comes alongside Moose. They come to an open area of the sewer and a huge tapeworm comes out of the water.]
Leela: A tapeworm!
[She and Fry scream and head off down a different tunnel to Moose and Mandy.]
Fry: We missed the turn. We'll never catch them.
Leela: Yes, we will. This sewer goes right under Planet Express, and it's 9pm!
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The toilet flushes.]
Farnsworth: (from bathroom) The devil take this predictable colon!
[Cut to: Sewer. Sewer water floods in behind Fry and Leela and the wave pushes them faster. Fry screams. At the finish line, Moose and Mandy are just about to win when Fry and Leela fly through and cut the tape first. The crowd and Fry and Leela cheer.]
[The car keeps going.]
Fry: Leela, you can stop winning now. We won!
Leela: I'm too short to reach the handbrake!
[The car crashes into Martin Luther Thing Jr. High School and the building collapses. Dwayne sits at a desk in amongst the rubble and turns to Leela.]
Dwayne: That's detention!
[Scene: Planet Express: Study. Fry recounts his story to Bender.]
Fry: And then, and then, this giant tapeworm tried to play us for chumps but we like totally dissed Moose!
[Farnsworth strokes the antlers of a moose on the wall.]
Farnsworth: Yes, I'd like to meet this Moose. But, in the meantime, I have good news. I may have solved our age problem.
[Farnsworth presses a button and a holographic strand of DNA appears on the desk.]
Farnsworth: It seems the Youthasizing tar was saturated with time-altering Chronitons. A thin layer is still stuck to our DNA as well as Bender's robo, or "RNA".
Bender: You stink!
Farnsworth: Yes, yes. Anyhow, I've designed an oil-eating bacterium that should take the tar right off.
Fry: (voice breaking) C'mon! Let's go tell Leela so we can grow up together!
[Bender makes kissy-kissy noises. Fry frowns.]
[Scene: The Turangas' Living Room. Farnsworth, Fry and Bender are with the Turangas.]
Leela: Thanks, Professor. But I don't want the treatment.
Farnsworth: Don't you understand, you little nitwit? Unless you're treated soon, the only way to restore your true age would be to grow into it! Just as God intended.
Munda: He has a point, honey. What about your job and your friends? Do you really want to abandon your old life?
Leela: My old life wasn't as glamorous as my webpage made it look. All I ever wanted was to grow up here, with you. Please?
Munda: Well if it's what you really want.
Leela: It is. I know it is.
[Fry looks down sadly.]
Fry: I'll miss you, Leela. I'll come back and visit when I'm all grown up.
Leela: (whispering) Bring beer.
Morris: No beer till you finish your tequila!
[Scene: Planet Express: Hangar. The Professor has set up a large green chamber.]
Farnsworth: (shouting) The age-restoring microbes are ready. Everyone into the bacterial spew chamber.
[Everyone cheers and runs in.]
Amy: Let's go!
Bender: (sarcastic) Yes, everyone do the same thing!
[Farnsworth closes the door.]
[Cut to: Chamber.]
Farnsworth: Initiating controlled infection.
[He pulls a switch and the chamber coughs. The room fills with a cloud.]
Zoidberg: I'm no doctor, but this machine guy could use a lozenge.
[The cloud clears.]
Amy: Aw, pooh! We're even younger!
[Farnsworth scans himself and the scanner display changes from "37.5" to "37.4" to "37.3".]
Farnsworth: Damn! The bacteria pigged-out on the tar and now they're getting freaky-deaky, spreading Chronitons throughout our systems. We're getting younger by the minute!
[The staff gasp.]
Zoidberg: What? I'm going to revert through all my larval stages?
[He changes shape.]
Farnsworth: Word! We'll all keep getting younger and younger until we suffer a fate worse than death: Pre-life ... then death.
[Zoidberg reverts to a shell.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth Lab. Farnsworth scans Amy with the scanner and the display changes from "8.3" to "8.2" to "8.1" to "Happy Birthday!" It plays a tune.]
Farnsworth: I've got to stop this reverse-aging before we all shrivel up and suffer the agony of un-birth. Think, you disco duck, think!
Amy: What's that squirmal under your shirt?
[Farnsworth opens his shirt and reveals Zoidberg attached to his chest.]
Farnsworth: Get off me, you parasitic lamprey!
Zoidberg: Oh, sure, like you need all your blood.
[Farnsworth knocks him off and he woops and slides around on the floor. The kids scream.]
Farnsworth: Would you all chill! I can't think with you kids cramping my style! Oh, I need a babysitter.
[Scene: The Turangas' House: Leela's Bedroom. The kids jump up and down on Leela's bed.]
Leela: OK, quiet time. I know, everyone pretend a goblin ate your tongue and I'll read you a story.
Zoidberg: I can't see from down here, I can't.
[Leela picks him up off the floor and sticks him to the wall.]
Leela: There. Today's story is from New Teen magazine. What would you rather hear about? Four-legged Chachi or tentacled Chachi?
Fry: I wanna hear a space story!
[He holds up a book called A Child's Garden Of Space Legends.]
Leela: It's kind of a baby book. But OK. Let's see. Snow White Dwarf And The Seven Red Dwarves, Charlotte's Tholian Web, The Fountain Of Aging.
[Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Leela talks to Farnsworth on the videophone.]
Farnsworth: The Fountain of Aging? Hmm. It is just a legend. Still, they called the Tooth Fairy a legend and now he's head of the FBI.
[Scene: The Turangas' Living Room. There is a knock at the door and Morris answers. Farnsworth has long hair.]
Farnsworth: Sup? Kids ready?
[The kids run out screaming. Fry hugs Farnsworth's leg.]
Fry: Professy's back! [He lets go.] Ew! You smell like smoking! [He sniffs.] And drinking.
Farnsworth: I had a few beers but I'm cool to drive.
Leela: I wish I could come with you to say goodbye, before you all turn back in to grown-ups but I'm grounded for knocking the school over.
Munda: Who cares, Leela? It was just a public school. Now go with your friends, please.
Leela: No! A grounded teenager must be confined to her room!
[Scene: Outside The Turangas' House. Leela opens her bedroom window and starts climbing out.]
Leela: Until she sneaks out!
[She climbs out and starts up the ladder after the others.]
Bender: When I grow up, I wanna be a steam shovel!
[Scene: Ships Cockpit. The kids, now tots, have disassembled Bender and are playing with his pieces. A geeky-looking Farnsworth flies the ship. Leela reads the book.]
Leela: According to this, the Fountain is located in the darkest, most ancient region of space, just past Teddy Bear Junction.
Farnsworth: Teddy Bear Junction: The worst scum-hole in the galaxy.
[Scene: The ship flies into a solar system.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]
Farnsworth: This solar system is, like, way old.
Leela: Look how high the asteroid belt is pulled up on that planet.
Farnsworth: Newsflash! Everything's getting older the closer we get to that ancient, burnt-out sun.
Leela: Dude, the Fountain of Aging must be on the sun itself.
Farnsworth: Shut up! I was gonna say that!
[Scene: The ship flies towards the sun and comes in to land.]
[Cut to: Fountain of Aging. The ship lands to the swirling, blue whirlpool.]
[Time Lapse. Leela wheels the really young kids off the cargo bay lift.]
Leela: We've got to hurry. The kids have only one change of pants!
[Farnsworth puts Zoidberg on some steps at the side of the Fountain.]
Farnsworth: We gotta be real, real careful to stay in just long enough to make us our right ages again. [Zoidberg falls in and rapidly ages.] (shouting) Zoidberg! Get out of there!
Zoidberg: (shouting) The current! It's too much, already! Help!
[Zoidberg gets closer to the vortex, turns grey, cracks and breaks up like Walter Donovan in Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade. The babies cry.]
Leela: Zoidberg is dead!
Zoidberg: No! Zoidberg's brother is dead! [Zoidberg has many heads and sits on the steps.] Funny story: I just reverted to the age where my siblings budded from me and my brother Norman split off and jumped in the fountain.
Sibling #1: He always had to be the centre of attention!
[The other siblings agree.]
Sibling #2: Let him go!
Leela: Oh, no! [The kids revert to foetuses in goo. Bender reverts to a CD of Bending Unit Blueprints.] Quick! Get them into the fountain!
[Farnsworth gathers them up and walks down the steps.]
Farnsworth: Thanks for the help, Weewa. Once we're gwown up, you can go back to your famiwy. We'wl never bother you again.
Leela: Well, you could bother me a little.
[Farnsworth climbs and holds onto the side. The staff rapidly age.]
Farnsworth: It's working! Hooray! [He starts to lose his grip.] I can't hold on!
[He lets go and the whirlpool catches him.]
Leela: I'm coming in after you!
[She ties a baby blanket around her waist.]
Farnsworth: (shouting) No, Leela! You can't give up your childhood! You'll never have another chance at it!
[Leela thinks about it then jumps in. She reaches out to Fry and grabs his hand. The others grab on to him and they climb out at the side, back to their old selves.]
Fry: We did it! We're the right ages again!
Leela: I think I might be a couple years younger.
Amy: Oh, me too!
[She winks at Leela.]
Farnsworth: (shouting) Help! I'm still in mid-peril, you clods!
Leela: He's too far out! We can't reach him!
Farnsworth: (shouting) With my last breath I curse Zoidberg! [He disappears into the vortex. Pazuzu comes out from under the ships wing and flies in and saves him.] Pazuzu! Oh, you came back to me!
[Pazuzu sets him down with the others.]
Hermes: Are you back to your original age, Professor?
[Farnsworth scans himself.]
Farnsworth: Even older! Huzzah!
[He cheers and his bones break.]
Fry: I'm sorry you had to give up being a kid, Leela.
Leela: Well, I guess every adult wants to be a kid again sometimes. But I worked hard to be the person I am.
Fry: The fabulous person!
Leela: With friends like you guys--
Fry: Fabulous friends!
[He hugs her and Bender.]
Leela: And I'm really happy I have that life back.
[Farnsworth pats Pazuzu.]
Farnsworth: And you, my faithful fiend! How can I ever repay you?
[Scene: Notre Dame. The gargoyles sit on the roof.]
Pazuzu: ("French" accent) And zat, little one, is how Papa gained his freedom. Now, bonne nuit, bonne nuit to you all!
[The bells play the Futurama theme.]