[Opening Credits. Caption: Or Is It?]
[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Zoidberg dances and sings on the table. Everyone else except Fry sits and claps along. Enter Fry.]
Zoidberg: (singing) Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy!
Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy!
Fry: There's no denying it, the future's crazy! Oh, well. Don't wanna stand out.
[He gets on the table and sings and dances with Zoidberg.]
Fry and Zoidberg: (singing) Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy!
Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy!
Zoidberg: There's nothing crazy about it. It's just Freedom Day!
[Scene: Planet Express: Balcony. The staff celebrate Freedom Day with their Freedom Day Party. Farnsworth drinks Slurm and Scruffy blows a party blower. Amy sits on the railings eating a melon while Fry and Bender stand next to her.]
Farnsworth: ...an extremely dangerous mission...
Fry: So, what is Freedom Day? Sounds like some kind of feminine hygiene product.
[Zoidberg walks over and puts his claw on Bender's shoulder.]
Zoidberg: No, it's a fabulous, crab-ulous day!
Amy: If you wanna do something, you do it, and to splick with the consequences!
[She throws the melon rind over her shoulder and it hits something.]
Bender: You know, like how I live every day.
[He sticks his leg out and trips up Hermes. His bones crack as he lands. Everyone laughs.]
Hermes: Happy Freedom Day! Ooh! I think my wrist is broken.
Farnsworth: Of course, it wouldn't be Freedom Day without the traditional Freedom Tub!
[He presses a button and a hole in the floor opens revealing a hot-tub. Everyone reacts with excitement. Hermes dips his finger in.]
Hermes: Mmm! That'll feel nice on my shattered bones!
[The staff start to undress around Fry. He gasps.]
Fry: Wow! Nude hot-tubbing? That's all I need to hear about Freedom Day!
Zoidberg: Then consider the following lecture a bonus: On Earth, freedom is a given. But on my planet, we have to suffer for it.
[Flashback. Child Zoidberg wears a hat and comical specs with mouth flaps attached. A Decapodian woman is with him.]
Decapodian Woman: Sure, you can be a comedian instead of a doctor -- if you want your parents to roll over in their graves!
[Later, grown-up Zoidberg is at a polling station.]
Decapodian Man: Sure, you can vote for Shkinadel -- if you want there should be a recession!
[Zoidberg turns away sadly. Back at his home, he holds suitcases.]
Decapodian Woman: Sure, you can go to medical school -- if you've given up on your dream of being a comedian!
[Zoidberg turns away sadly.]
Zoidberg: That's why I love Earth! You can do what you want, and no one makes you feel guilty because no one cares.
[Fry is in the hot-tub with everyone else.]
Fry: (shouting) We're not listening!
Zoidberg: That's what I'm talking about!
[Scene: The ship flies over Washington D.C. (Rededicated to Washington the Sweathog, 2475). It flies over the Reflecting Pool where people bathe and lands in front of the Fxjkhr Monument. A banner has been hung up on it with "Freedom Day-- Express Yourself" printed on it. Underneath, a man has painted "I Hate My Job".]
[Scene: Washington D.C. Street. There is a parade. Vehicles carrying DOOP missiles float along the street. One has a "Boy Scout Troop #254" banner on it. The one behind has "Top Secret Do Not Look" on it. People on stilts walk by chanting the Freedom song.]
Stilt People: (chanting) Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy!
Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy!
[The Fighting Dukaki drive past, imitating the pose from the infamous photograph. On the pavement, Bender and other staff push their way to the front of the crowd. Bender wears a cowcatcher.]
Bender: Scuse me, comin' through. Freedom train arriving on track one.
[He imitates a train whistle.]
Woman: Ow! You broke my foot!
[In the commentary box, Morbo and Linda watch the parade go by.]
Morbo: What's this next float, Linda?
Linda: Representing our men, women and children in uniform, it's Earth's greatest space hero, Zapp Brannigan!
[Zapp and Kif are in a rocket float. Zapp waves to the crowd.]
Zapp: Happy Freedom Day, ladies! [He throws some beads.] Come on, let loose and show me something! [He throws more beads.] Anything. Seriously, I'd take an armpit. [Kif sighs.] Oh, yeah! Thank you, Linda!
[He throws some beads. Linda pulls her top down and catches the beads.]
Linda: You're welcome! OK, Morbo, now it's your turn.
Morbo: If that is your Freedom Day wish.
[He lifts his shirt and Linda screams.]
[Scene: Fxjkhr Monument. A band plays Hail to the Chief and a man very slowly carries Nixon's head and places it on a podium. Crowds are gathered in front of the monument.]
Nixon: Thank you, Secretary of Transportation. My fellow Earthicans, we enjoy so much freedom it's almost sickening. We're free to choose which hand our sex-monitoring chip is implanted in. And if we don't want to pay our taxes, why, we're free to spend a weekend with the Pain Monster.
Pain Monster: See you April 15th, folks!
Nixon: Cue the fireworks guy! [A man jets up to the sky and blows up a firework.] Incidentally, tonight's Freedom Day celebration is brought to you by ... [A firework explodes and "Shankman" lights up the sky.] ... "Shankman's Rubbing Compound". When something needs rubbing, think "Shankman".
[The crowd cheers.]
Bender: Yay! Shankman!
Hermes: It costs a little more but it's worth it!
Nixon: Our planet has been through so much this past year: Wars, droughts, impeachments! But we've never lost our sense of what's truly important: The great taste of "Charleston Chew"! [A "Charleston Chew" firework explodes.] And now, let us salute that beloved symbol of freedom, our flag, Ol' Freebie!
[The flag comes down. Zoidberg wipes his mouth.]
Zoidberg: I'm swelling with patriotic mucus!
Nixon: In our darkest hour we can stand erect, with proud, upthrust bosoms!
Fry: Anyone who laughs is a Communist!
Nixon: Knowing that, with a shifty glance skyward, we will see by the rocket's red glare that our flag is still there. [He turns around.] It's gone!
[Zoidberg tears the flag, eats it and belches. The crowd gasps. Zoidberg steps forward.]
Zoidberg: Yes, fellow patriots, I ate your flag. And I did it with pride. For to express oneself with doing a thing is the very essence of Freedom Day! Bless this planet and all its wonderful people!
Nixon: (shouting) Kill him! Kill the traitor!
[The crowd rushes the platform and Zoidberg squeals.]
[Scene: Washington D.C. Street. Zoidberg scuttles around a corner, wooping and being chased by the crowd. He runs past a man spraying "Earth Sux" on a mailbox.]
Man #1: Hey, it's the guy who desecrated our flag!
[The crowd runs past.]
Nixon: Stop that red menace!
[Cut to: Embassy Row. Zoidberg runs past the grey Neutral Planet Embassy, the pretty Klingon Embassy and the Globetrotter Homeworld Embassy. He tires and stops running and wooping.]
Zoidberg: I'm all scuttled out! [He looks up and sees something.] Huh? My planet's embassy? They're paid to not kill me! A-yoop!
[He jumps into the moat around the embassy and swims over.]
[Scene: Decapodian Embassy. The angry crowd is outside, shouting. Zoidberg is inside, sat across a desk from Ambassador Moivin, a man and a woman. The curtains close.]
Zoidberg: I thought I understood this world. I thought I was fitting in. But I guess I don't belong on here anymore than I belong on our crappy home planet-- Ooh, sorry.
Decapodian Man: What sorry? Our planet stinks, we all know it.
Ambassador Moivin: Enough with the persecution, I'm saying. Zoidberg, as Ambassador, I promise you the full support of our government, already.
Decapodian Woman: Poor boy. You want maybe a nice mug cocoa?
Zoidberg: Ambassador Moivin, you and your staff are so kind. I'm truly humbled. [The woman comes back in with the cocoa and hands it to Zoidberg.] What, no marshmallows?
[Cut to: Outside Decapodian Embassy.]
Nixon: Let's storm the place ... without my prior knowledge.
[The Planet Express staff push through to the front.]
Bender: Scuse me, comin' through. Freedom train, step aside. You too, fatso. Freedom!
Leela: Cool your jowls, Nixon. You may not like it that Dr. Zoidberg desecrated a flag. You might even find the image of it festering in his bowels somehow offensive. But the right to freedom of expression is guaranteed by the Earth Constitution.
Nixon: Aroo! Maybe so. But I know a place where the Constitution doesn't mean squat.
[Scene: Supreme Court.]
Myrtle Fu: The Supreme Court hereby accepts the case of Earth vs. Zoidberg.
Nixon: Sock it to 'em!
[Newspaper Headline: "Lobster Trial Nears". Underneath is a sub-headline: "Mobster Trial Nears".]
[Scene: Outside Decapodian Embassy. There is a protest rally.]
Crowd: (chanting) Two, four, six, eight,
Eating the flag is bad.
Scout Leader: Now your noose knot has exactly seven twists.
[A man plays a guitar.]
Man #2: (singing) You can eat my dog,
You can eat my truck,
But you eat my flag,
And you're outta luck!
She's a-wavin' proud around the world,
From Dallas to Fort Worth,
Let me say it again...
[A truck toots.]
Crowd: (chanting) Don't mess with Earth!
Fry: They sure hate Dr. Zoidberg.
Bender: Pft. Posers! I was hating Zoidberg before it was cool.
Fry: Where are we ever going to find a lawyer to take his case?
Leela: I'll ask the head of the ACLU -- once he's done singing.
Man #2: (singing) Don't mess with Earth. (talking) Kill Zoidberg! Goodnight!
[A man approaches the crew.]
Old Man Waterfall: Howdy there! I'm a lawyer and I'd like to help your friend out of his pickle.
Fry: Who are you, old man?
Old Man Waterfall: Name's Old Man Waterfall but most folks just call me "Old Man".
Fry: I'll never remember that.
Old Man Waterfall: I'm a veteran of three dozen wars. Name a body part and a planet and I've taken a bullet in it, on it. All to keep our flag flying free.
Bender: And you wanna defend Zoidberg? Are you familiar with the old robot saying "does not compute"?
Old Man Waterfall: Son, to me a robot's just a garbage can with sparks comin' out it.
Bender: (sad) The sparks keep me warm.
Old Man Waterfall: I don't condone what Dr. Zoidberg did but I'll fight tooth and nail for his freedom to do it. Or I would if I hadn't lost my teeth and nails on Mars and Saturn respectively.
Fry: Wait, you're a lawyer? You're hired!
[Scene: Supreme Court. A hologram of Zoidberg appears on a table. The Planet Express staff sit in the front row.]
Fry: You OK there in the embassy, Zoidberg?
Holo-Zoidberg: No. There's no cocoa marshmallows, and every night the rats eat a little more of my foot!
Bailiff: Oyez, oyez, oyez. All rise for the Honourable Chief Justice, Myrtle Fu, and the Associate Justices.
[Sal pulls in several heads in jars and the Chief Justice.]
Myrtle Fu: Counsel, you may address the court on behalf of Earth, if you're ready.
Hyper-Chicken: I was hatched ready! Honourable judge heads, yonder crawdad done ate up our flag.
[He points at Zoidberg.]
Holo-Zoidberg: I was doing freedom of speech, Earth's most sacred right.
Hyper-Chicken: Your Honour, freedom of speech applies to what comes out of a mouth, not what goes in.
O'Connor: Can counsel cite precedent?
Hyper-Chicken: Uh, yes, darlin', I can. In State Of Alabama vs. Giant Space Iguana, chewin' the corners off the Constitution was deemed non-protected speech.
Souter: He shut you up, O'Connor.
Myrtle Fu: Mr. Waterfall, you may now present arguments on behalf of Dr. Zoidberg.
Holo-Zoidberg: Oh, God, I'm nervous. Two of my three hearts are having attacks.
Bender: Court's kinda fun when it's not my ass on the line! Nachos?
[He offers some around. Old Man Waterfall gets up.]
Old Man Waterfall: Oh, land-o-Goshen! Your Honours, I'm not some slick, big-city lawyer like my opponent here. [The Hyper-Chicken caws.] But I am a veteran who has fought for his planet. You see this hand of mine?
Scalia: Yes, I do.
Old Man Waterfall: No, you don't [He takes it off.] 'Cause I lost my real hand plantin' the flag when we took back Halley's Comet! Yet it was worth it, so much do I love that flag. [The bench sobs.] I love it even more than I love my seven wives -- that's right, I'm a polygamist. [The court "boos".] Yet I would gladly eat a flag myself, had I not used my intestine as a rope to hoist a flag made of my own skin, if it would protect the freedoms of the proud people who salute that flag. [The court cheers.] Freedom such as polygamy. [The court "boos".] I rest my case. [He puts his hand back on and his leg falls off.] Whoa, jeez!
Myrtle Fu: The Justices and I will now confer using high-speed telepathy. [The bailiff hooks them up and the Justices' heads rotate in the jars. Myrtle Fu takes off her helmet.] By a vote of six-to-three, we find that flag eating is not protected by the Constitution.
[The court gasps.]
Bender: Six-to-three? I beat the spread!
Myrtle Fu: The court orders an immediate public apology.
Holo-Zoidberg: Apology accepted. Just don't let it happen again.
Hermes: She means you, you turkey of the sea!
Holo-Zoidberg: Me? Apologise? Never! I came to this planet to learn the meaning of freedom, but I say it's you who should get a nice lesson! So do your worst because no punishment could be worse than denying my freedom.
Myrtle Fu: You are hereby sentenced to death.
Holo-Zoidberg: Wait, let me finish!
[The court gasps.]
Myrtle Fu: Also, in a rare double-whammy decision, the court finds polygamy constitutional.
[The court "boos".]
Old Man Waterfall: I can't wait to tell my husband!
[The court "boos" louder.]
[Scene: Outside Decapodian Embassy. DOOP soldiers, led by Zapp, stand by the moat.]
Zapp: Remember, men, take him alive so there's something left to kill.
[The troops use a battering ram on the door. Moivin and Zoidberg run onto the balcony above.]
Ambassador Moivin: Stay back! This embassy is sovereign mud of the mud planet Decapod 10. Invading these mud premises is an act of war.
Zapp: Yeah? Well what are you going to do about it, Shrimp-y?
Ambassador Moivin: You wanna see, Mr. Big-Shot? [He speaks into a radio.] Attack Earth. [There is a pause.] Yes I know it's a schlep. Just do it!
[The DOOP soldiers look up at the sky but nothing happens. Some clear their throats. Eventually, several Decapodian ships come screeching down from the sky. The ships have crustacean-like pincer claws at the front.]
Zoidberg: Aha! Now the rubber band's on the other claw!
Zapp: Ready ... retreat!
[The soldiers run for it.]
[Scene: Washington D.C. Street. People run as the ships swoop over the top of them. One cuts the legs off the stilt people and another grabs a ship and "eats" it. A third cuts the top off the Clinton Monument.]
[Cut to: Outside Library of Congress. Fry, Leela and Bender run inside, screaming, and shut the doors.]
Patron: (from library) Shh!
[They scream quietly.]
[Cut to: Decapodian Embassy Balcony.]
Zoidberg: Deny my freedom, will you? Well we'll do to you what we did to the Squash Men of the Squash Planet! Squish them!
Ambassador Moivin: Charleston Chew?
Zoidberg: You bet!
[Scene: Washington D.C. Decapodian ships fly around, blowing things up. The Nimbus flies over the White House.]
[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge. Zapp watches the mayhem on the viewscreen.]
Zapp: Alright, Kif, let's show these freaks what a bloated, runaway military budget can do. Bring me the activation codes for our global defence network.
Kif: (unenthusiastic) Aye, aye, sir.
[He drags a computer over to Zapp and it stretches his arm. Zapp pushes a button.]
Computer Voice: Commence lip identification scan. [Zapp kisses the computer.] No tongue.
[The computer beeps and opens up. Zapp takes a disc out of it.]
Zapp: We can't be too careful with these codes. Rumour has it a double agent may be aboard this very ship. [He looks Kif square in the eyes.] I'm watching you! You, ensign, what's your name?
[The ensign is a Decapodian wearing a wig, a DOOP uniform and oven gloves over his claws. He salutes.]
"Ensign": Hugh Man, sir.
Zapp: Hugh Man? Now that's a name I can trust. Run down to the central battle computer and enter these codes. Chop, chop!
[The Decapodian takes the disc from Zapp and scuttles out.]
Kif: Um, sir? There's something about that ensign that's--
Zapp: You're damn right there is! That strapping young lad's gunning for your job. And he just might get it.
[Kif turns around to the viewscreen and sees the Decapodian fly a small ship towards a larger Decapodian ship. He sighs.]
[Scene: The Decapodian ship flies towards the Nimbus with the claws at the ready.]
[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.]
Zapp: The enemy approacheth! Lieutenant, fire missile one and recommend me for another medal. Make it gaudy, I'm going clubbing later. [Kif presses a button but nothing happens. He presses it again three times.] Tick, tock!
Kif: Sir, all planetary defences have been disabled. Perhaps the Decapodians acquired our secret codes, somehow.
Zapp: Well, Kif, stand by to take the blame. Steady, steady ... now!
[Scene: The Decapodian ship grabs the Nimbus and cuts it in half. The front part falls towards the ground. Zapp and Kif scream and it hits the ground.]
[Newspaper Headline: "Handsome Invaders Defeat Earth". A sub-headline reads "Post Names New Editor" and alongside is a picture of a Decapodian.]
[Scene: Slave Camp. People are chained to each other by their ankles. They pass buckets along the line and empty it on a big pile of mud.]
Leela: Dr. Zoidberg, how can you claim to love freedom and then enslave all of Earth?
Zoidberg: Bah! Your planet doesn't deserve freedom until it learns what it is to not have freedom. It's a lesson, I say.
[A Decapodian soldier pinches Fry's chest with a pincer spear.]
Bender: What the hell is this dirt pile we're building, anyhow?
Zoidberg: None of your beeswax, slave! You'll find out soon enough. Just focus on globing that mud. (shouting) Glob!
[The slaves get back to work. Zoidberg and the soldiers leave.]
[Scene: Outside Capitol Building. Fry, Leela, Bender, Kif and Zapp sit on the steps at night as Decapodian ships fly overhead. A banner reading "Under New Management" has been hung over the entrance.]
Fry: I'm no good at being a slave. I'm thinking about graduate school. Y'know, to become a barber?
Leela: This can't go on. Today is the day we fight back!
Bender: It's already 10 o'clock!
[Leela checks her watch.]
Leela: Oh, you're right. Tomorrow is the day we fight back.
Zapp: Yeah? Well good luck, sister. All our modern technology is useless.
Bender: I know I am.
[He goes to sleep.]
Fry: Hey, wait! I'm having one of those things. You know, a headache with pictures?
Leela: An idea?
[Scene: Museum of Ancient Weaponry. A banner outside advertises "Nuns And Nunchucks: Mother Teresa's Secret Arsenal". Inside, Fry, Bender, Leela, Kif and Zapp pass the world's biggest rolling pin, a spear (circa 2256), Dillinger's semi-automatic salad shooter, and a sharkapult.]
Fry: Back in my day we didn't have your fancy all-digital weapons, but we still managed to kill each other just fine.
Bender: Ah, the crossbow. A pitiless, elegant killing machine. The Bender of the 15th century.
Fry: Not big enough. We need something that can take out an entire army. Something you could commit a war crime with--
[He sees something and gasps. Leela, Kif, Zapp and Bender see it too.]
Bender: Wow! [He shoots the crossbow through his nose hole.] Ow!
[Scene: Park. Moivin gives a speech to the slaves from a stage. Zoidberg stands to one side of him.]
Ambassador Moivin: Earth slaves, behold the fruit of your labours: The Mobile Oppression Palace.
[A huge crab-like contraption with the mud dumped on top of it scuttles behind the stage. The slaves gasp.]
[He takes a photo.]
Ambassador Moivin: I don't need to tell you that occupation forces are expensive. But with the Mobile Oppression Palace, a few dignitaries can oppress your entire planet for pennies a day. [On a balcony the dignitaries laugh and sneer.] Warships, dismissed!
[The Decapodian ships turn skyward and fly away. The Mobile Oppression Palace scuttles away from the park.]
[Cut to: Washington DC Street. It bashes down a sign for Johnson's Collapsible Top Hats, squeezes and E-Z Squeeze Accordion sign and tries to karate-chop a Hair King Unbreakable Combs sign. It doesn't work. The Palace tries again three times but can't break it so it just pushes the sign over. Old Man Waterfall runs in front of the Palace waving Ol' Freebie.]
Old Man Waterfall: Do your worst, you sea devils! I'll make my stand with Ol' Freebie. You can crush me but you can't crush my spirit! [The Palace crushes him with a giant claw. Old Man Waterfall screams from under the claw.] My spirit!
[The Palace claw lifts. Frieda Waterfall runs from the crowd to Old Man Waterfall.]
Frieda Waterfall: Great Grandpa, no! [She shakes her fist at the Decapodians.] Another victim of the mano-centric male-ocracy.
[Cut to: Park.]
Zoidberg: Ambassador Moivin, you killed my lawyer.
Ambassador Moivin: You're welcome.
Zoidberg: He defended my freedom when no one else would. He was a good and honourable man.
[Cut to: Washington DC Street.]
Old Man Waterfall: I request a Satanic funeral.
[The crowd "boos".]
[Cut to: Park.]
Zoidberg: Is it possible that all this slavery and oppression is shmutzing up our freedom lesson?
Ambassador Moivin: Ah, take a pill, Zoidberg. (shouting) Begin again with the crushing!
[Cut to: Washington D.C. Street. The Palace picks up a car and throws it across at a crowd of people.]
[Cut to: Park.]
Fry: You haven't won yet, Moivin! You didn't expect us to even go to a museum, much less steal this ancient heat-seeking missile.
Ambassador Moivin: I don't even know you.
[Fry presses a button and the missile launches from behind some trees. It flies behind Fry, Leela and Bender towards the Mobile Oppression Palace.]
[Cut to: Washington D.C. Street. The Decapodians on the balcony scream.]
Decapodian Woman: Oh, it's gonna make such a mess!
[The Palace ducks and the missile passes over it. It comes back and flies around it a few times. The Decapodians sigh with relief.]
[Cut to: Park.]
Ambassador Moivin: This is your secret plan? Meh! Heat-seeking missiles are useless against the Mobile Oppression Palace. All Decapodian technology is cold-blooded, like us!
[The Palace closes in on a crowd of people.]
[Cut to: Washington D.C. Street. Zoidberg picks up the flag Old Man Waterfall was holding.]
Zoidberg: All eyes on Zoidberg! [Old Man Waterfall's hand pops off his arm but still clutches the flagpole.] Ew!
[He shakes the flag and the hand flies off. He takes Bender's cigar.]
Bender: Hey, I need that to smoke!
[Zoidberg sets fire to the flag and the crowd gasps. He waves the flag around, fanning the flames.]
Fry: Zoidberg, how could you? I used to think you were cool.
Zoidberg: Wait! People of Earth, listen. Yes, I'm desecrating a flag. But to preserve the freedom it represents!
[He throws the flag like a javelin at the Mobile Oppression Palace. The heat-seeking missile detects it and flies towards it. The Decapodians scream and leap from the balcony. The Palace explodes and splatters the crowd with mud. They cheer.]
Leela: Zoidberg, you set us free! I feel like I could stand to hug you! I can't, but you know what I'm trying to say.
Crowd: (chanting) Zoidberg! Zoidberg! Zoidberg!
Zoidberg: Ah, if only they appreciated freedom this much on my home planet. Wait a second! They do! Because this is my home planet.
[Scene: Outside Capitol Building. Nixon gives a speech to crowds.]
Nixon: And now, to raise this beautiful new flag, a red lobster that won't ruin your dinner, Dr. John Zoidberg!
[The crowd cheers as Zoidberg walks on. The Secretary of Transportation hands Zoidberg a new flag and he unfolds it.]
Zoidberg: You're a nice man, Nixon.
Scoop Chang: Dr. Zoidberg, how's about you take a bite of the flag for tomorrow's papers?
Zoidberg: Oh, I couldn't.
Nixon: No, no, no, go ahead. You've earned it!
Zoidberg: Well, maybe just a taste. [He takes a bite and cameras flash.] Mmm! Now that's a grand, old flag! [The crowd cheers and Zoidberg raises the flag.] I wonder what the Shroud of Turin tastes like.