[Opening Credits. Caption: When You See The Robot, Drink!]
[Scene: Ships Cockpit. Fry and Leela sit at their stations. Bender stands at the back of the room by a port that looks like the HAL 9000 ports from 2001: A Space Odyssey. The ship speaks with a male voice.]
Bender: You are one narrow minded spaceship, Planet Express Ship.
Ship: Whoa, whoa! Why should my tax money pay for art I find offensive?
[Bender flips through a book called "Art & You" and holds up a page with a picture of a Horrible Gelatinous Blob.]
Bender: Would you censor the Venus de Venus just because you can see her spewers?
Ship: Oh, it's filthy! Why not create a national endowment for strip clubs while we're at it?
Bender: Why not, indeed?
Leela: Bender! Ship! Stop bickering or I'm gonna come back there and change your opinions manually.
Bender: Fine! I'll be in my quarters appreciating controversial artworks.
[He walks out. The door closes on him and cuts his head off. It lands on the floor and rolls a little.]
Ship: (sarcastic) Oops! Sorry!
[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff sit around the table. Bender screws his head back on.]
Bender: Ah, that Ship is so white bread!
[Hermes and Farnsworth carry several red boxes into the room.]
Hermes: People, it's Valentine's Day next week, so your beloved company has gotten you all new uniforms.
[The staff each open their box and take out blue overalls.]
Zoidberg: Clothing, delicious clothing!
[He rubs his face against it.]
Farnsworth: We'll need to look our best if we're to get the account of our new potential customer, Romanticorp.
Amy: Romanticorp? Are they a corporation that makes romantic stuff?
Hermes: Very good, Amy!
Farnsworth: Everyone suit up. We're off to the most romantic city on Earth!
[Scene: Milwaukee. The ship flies over the city and lands in the Romanticorp factory. The doors have lips painted on them and make a kissing sound when they close.]
[Cut to: Romanticorp Entrance.]
Farnsworth: Remember, we've got to show these people we're not bitter husks of human beings who long ago abandoned hope of finding love in this lifetime. Leela, you'll have to do some acting.
[A man and a woman walk in through a doorway.]
Sheldon: Welcome. Oh, I'm just so excited! [They both kiss.] I'm Sheldon, and this is my chief financial officer, Gwen.
Gwen: For 30 years we've shared the adventure of managing Romanticorp.
Sheldon: Not to mention the adventure of marriage.
[They both laugh and kiss again.]
Leela: Oh, you have got to be kidding! [Farnsworth shocks her with a cattle prod.] Ow! I-I mean, "Aww! That's so sweet!" [He shocks her again.] Ow! I mean, "Aww dat's show shweet!"
[Farnsworth nods, satisfied.]
[Scene: Romanticorp Production Line. The crew and Sheldon and Gwen move along a moving walkway. Below, rubbish such as fish-bones, paper and banana skins pour into a machine. Heart-shaped boxes move out of it on a conveyor belt.]
Farnsworth: You know, romance is an important part of our work too. Uh, right, everyone?
Leela: Yeah, sure.
Bender: (unenthusiastic) Oh, sure.
Sheldon: Do any of you collect Lovey Bears?
Amy: I do! Kif's given me dozens. Is it true what the ad says? That you kiss them together out of blanket cloth and magic buttons?
Sheldon: It's actually cheaper to genetically engineer real ones. [They pass some Lovey Bears on a grassy area.] They frolic in the Lovey Forest until their first birthday. Then we choose the cuddly-uddliest ones and stuff them full of fire-retardant love fluff!
[The staff stare blankly. In the Lovey Forest, bears are picked up and put onto a conveyor belt where they are delivered to the "Bear 'Hospital'".]
Amy: So cute!
[Scene: Romanticorp: Romance Acceleration Lab.]
Gwen: Knowing which pickup lines fizzle and which ones sizzle keeps us on the cutting edge of flirtation technology.
[Two robot frames stand in front of a woman.]
Frame #1: Is heaven missing an angel? 'Cause you've got nice cans!
[The woman is not impressed.]
Frame #2: My two favourite things are commitment and changing myself.
[The woman is love struck and hugs the frame.]
Leela: Does that dummy have a brother?
[Scene: Romanticorp: Candy Hearts Production.]
Sheldon: And now, friends and lovers, we come to the heart of our operation. Pun definitely intended!
[He and Gwen laugh and Leela sighs. Farnsworth threatens her with the cattle prod. Hermes picks up a "Cutie Pie" candy heart.]
Gwen: My family has been making these hearts since the 1900's. Tastes may have changed but our secret recipe sure hasn't.
[She points to a machine that mixes Bone Meal and Earwig Honey. Fry picks up a candy heart.]
Fry: Whoa! Letters like "U" and "R" can mean words like "You" and "Are". Here, Leela, "U-R-2 Cute".
Leela: Perhaps. What's your point?
Fry: I've never been able to put into words how I feel about you. But somewhere among these trillions of hearts, those words must already exist. And I'm gonna find them.
[He dives into a barrel and rummages around. A Lovey Bear runs around being chased by a hunter. The hunter shoots and misses. Farnsworth shocks the Lovey Bear with the cattle prod and it falls over. He turns to Sheldon and Gwen.]
Farnsworth: So, do we have the contract?
[Scene: Ships Cockpit. The ship is back in the Planet Express hangar and the crew have changed back into their normal clothes.]
Farnsworth: With that big new Romanticorp contract, I've been able to make those government-mandated upgrades you've all been suing me about.
[The crew look around the cockpit. Leela points to a glass case with a green cloud in it.]
Leela: Ooh, look! You taped up the cracks in the dark matter reactor.
Fry: And you got a cage for the lion!
[The cage is in the ceiling. The lion growls and reaches through the bars, taking a swipe at Fry. Bender turns the radio on and Spin Doctors' Two Princes plays.]
Bender: Hey, who's been messing with the radio? This isn't alternative rock, it's college rock!
Farnsworth: Oh, it must have been the ship's new improved personality software I installed.
Ship: Yeah, it was me. It's a cute song.
Bender: Listen, Ship! No one changes my stations! I hope you have a good mechanic!
[He rolls his sleeves up.]
Farnsworth: It even comes with an adjustable voice.
[He turn a knob on the radio.]
Ship: (male voice) We each get one of the four buttons. (female voice) Remember, Bender? That was the deal.
Bender: What? Did you just say--
Ship: If you don't like the stations you could just ... play with my buttons till you find something we both enjoy. [Bender growls sexfully.] Oh, gosh! That came out all wrong!
Bender: Too late, baby, you said it! So, what'll it be? My place ... or you?
[Time Lapse. The crew are now in uniform and the ship cruises through space. Fry wheels in a barrel of candy hearts.]
Fry: Before we deliver these hearts, I'm gonna find the one that sums up my feelings for you. [He picks up a handful.] "I Love You." Hmm, too conventional. "You're My Man." Ooh, so close!
Leela: I'm not impressed by a guy's message, Fry, I'm impressed by the guy. Or not.
[The ship shakes and Fry falls over.]
Leela: What was that?
Fry: Maybe we hit a space cow.
[Cut to: Ships Engine Room. Bender tickles an access panel.]
Bender: Coochie, coochie!
Ship: (giggling) Stop it! You're mussing up my trajectory!
Bender: You know you love it, sugar-engine!
[He presses some buttons.]
Ship: (giggling) No!
[She laughs. Enter Fry and Leela.]
Leela: Bender! [Bender panics.] What's going on in here? [She gasps.] Planet Express Ship! Cover your shame.
[Ship closes the panel.]
Ship: It's not what it looks like. Uh, Bender was just helping me ... zip up my turbine.
Fry: Wow, Bender. Are you and the ship an item? I mean I know you're both items but-- How can you date a ship anyway? It'd be like me dating a really fat lady. And living inside her. And she'd be all like--
[He impersonates a ship.]
Bender: Fry, in order for me to get busy at maximum efficiency, I need a girl with a big 400-ton booty.
[He taps the wall.]
Leela: Bender, dating your co-worker and primary mode of transportation is immoral, illogical and a violation of interstellar shipping statute 437-B.
Bender: That's what makes it so nasty!
[He strokes the panel. Ship giggles. He giggles and rubs himself up the wall.]
Leela: Still, given the chance, I'd give in to urges far more shocking.
[Bender rubs a girder.]
[Montage: Bender sings Daisy Bell while dating the ship. First he sits on one of the tail fins with a picnic set up. The sheet blows in the breeze of space.]
Bender (singing): Daisy, Daisy,
Give me your answer do,
[He pours beer into one of the fuel hatches. Later, in the Planet Express hangar, Bender catches Fry mopping Ship and hits him.]
I'm half crazy,
All for the love of you,
It won't be a stylish marriage,
[Hermes checks an equipment locker in the ship and a sleeping Bender tumbles out.]
I can't afford a carriage,
[In the hangar, Bender and Fry hide and watch Amy, in her underwear, wash the ship.]
But you'll look sweet,
Upon the seat,
Of a bicycle built for two.
[Scene: Outside Planet Express. Bender and Ship dance on the roof under the moonlight.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Leela reads a newspaper while Fry is still searching for the perfect candy heart.]
Bender: Well, I'm sick of her.
Fry: The ship? But you just started dating.
Bender: With my mighty robot powers, I can get sick of things much quicker than you humans.
Leela: Well just remember we all still have to work together. So try and let her down easy.
Bender: In due time, Leela. But for now I'll just resume dating cheap floozies on the side.
Fry: You have much to teach us.
Leela: Doesn't it bother you even a little to be taking advantage of your girlfriend's trust?
Bender: Oh, wait, you're serious. Let me laugh even harder.
[He laughs even harder.]
[Scene: Elzar's Fine Cuisine. Bender sits with two Fembots and they giggle.]
Fembot #1: What's it like being a lawyer for the Mayor's office and also the world's strongest millionaire?
Bender: Well, baby, for starters you need to be honest all the time!
Elzar: Good evening, Bender. And to your lady friends may I say, "Bam"!
[The Fembots giggle and Elzar leaves.]
Fembot #2: You know Elzar?
[Through a window, Ship watches Bender and the Fembots.]
[Cut to: Outside Elzar's Fine Cuisine.]
[Scene: Fry's and Bender's Lounge. Fry sleeps. A bell rings and Fry wakes up.]
Fry: Huh? [He gets up and presses a button by the window. It slides up, revealing Ship hovering outside. Fry rubs his eyes.] Planet Express Ship? Is that you?
Ship: Oh. Hi, Fry. Is Bender home?
Fry: Uh, no. Um, I think he's at his parents'.
Ship: Oh, I see. He didn't fly there in another spaceship did he?
Fry: Bender? No! He's an old-fashioned one-spaceship robot. Look, I'll tell him you stopped by, K?
Ship: OK. [Fry closes the window and walks back to his bed. Almost immediately the bell rings again. He opens the window and Ship is still there.] Oh. Hi, Fry. Is he home now?
[Scene: Central Park Zoo. Bender and Ship pass Mountain Dew Presents: Extreme Elk, and Howler Mummies.]
Ship: Of all the zoos we've been to today, I like this one the best. Bender, which is your favourite nocturnal rat?
Bender: Eh, they're all pretty unimpressive.
[The ship swoops off in another direction.]
Ship: Oh, honey, look! The tapirs! [Bender sighs and walks over.] It says here the babies lose their pyjama-like coat after their first year. Isn't that interesting, honey?
Bender: Yep. Mind-numbingly interesting. Ooh!
[He spies a Fembot and rotates his head as she walks behind him.]
Ship: Bender! Are you looking at other women?
Bender: No, baby, never!
[He turns around revealing his eyes are fully zoomed.]
Ship: Bender, don't lie! I saw you at Elzar's with those two ladies of the evening. Explain that!
Bender: OK, I like a challenge. (muttering) No ... no. (talking) Ah, I got it! I'm going to be completely honest with you, Planet Express Ship. Those women you saw me with ... were my accountants.
Ship: Your accountants? Oh, I would dearly love to believe that were true. So I do.
Ship: I'm gonna go home and get dinner started.
[She blasts off. Bender's chest cabinet opens revealing Lucy Liu's head in a jar.]
Liu: Who are you talking to?
Bender: No one, baby! Lucy Liu is the only girl for Bender.
Liu: I love you--
[He slams the door on her.]
[Scene: Ships Cockpit. Leela steers the ship through an asteroid field. Ship sighs.]
Leela: Planet Express Ship, is something wrong?
Ship: Oh, it's Bender. He's acting so strange lately. [She gasps.] Do you think he's going to ask me to marry him?
Leela: Uh, no.
Ship: Oh, somebody knows something she's not telling!
Leela: Look, I'm not saying Bender's not great but have you ever considered that maybe he's, y'know, not that great?
Ship: You're just jealous. No one loves you cause you're tiny and you're made of meat.
[An asteroid hits the windscreen.]
Leela: Could you maybe pay a little more attention to these asteroids?
Ship: Sorry, Captain Leela. I guess I'm just having one of those manic Mondays!
[She laughs. Leela laughs weakly and grins.]
[Scene: Ship flies towards Omicron Persei 8 (246/7 Days Without Invading Earth) and lands outside a castle.]
[Scene: Omicronian Castle. Lrrr and Nd-Nd watch TV.]
Lrrr: This is ancient Earth's most foolish program. Why does Ross, the largest friend, not simply eat the other five?
Nd-Nd: Perhaps they are saving that for sweeps.
[A guard walks in.]
Guard: Exalted leaders, the Earth messengers have arrived bearing a peace offering from their weak and fearful government.
Lrrr: Oh, very well. This is a Joey-heavy episode anyway. [He turns the TV off. Enter Leela, Fry and Bender with the barrels of candy hearts.] I am Lrrr of the planet Omicron Persei 8.
[A picture slips on the wall. He puts it back. Leela reads from a piece of paper.]
Leela: (reading) Esteemed potentates of Omicron Persei 8, please accept these 20 billion candy hearts as proof that Earth loves you this much!
[She holds her arms out wide. Lrrr and Nd-Nd taste the candy hearts and immediately spit them out.]
Lrrr: These candies are choky and unpleasant!
Nd-Nd: And what is this emotion you humans call "wuv"?
Lrrr: Surely it says "love"?
Nd-Nd: No, "wuv". With an Earth "W". Behold!
Lrrr: (shouting) This concept of "wuv" confuses and infuriates us!
[Guards surround the crew, guns at the ready.]
[Scene: Ship flies away from the planet, being chased by Omicronian saucers.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]
Fry: Incoming torpedoes. Shields at maximum yarnell!
Leela: Steady, Planet Express Ship. Focus on diverting all power to the scramjets.
Bender: Uh, look, Planet Express Ship, this might not be the best time, but, well, I really like you and whatever, but, I think we should just be friends.
Ship: (screaming) Nooo!
[She jerks to a stop.]
Bender: So we're cool?
[The Omicronian torpedoes hit the ship and explode.]
[Time Lapse. The ship tumbles through space with black scars on the hull. Ship cries. Leela, alone on the bridge, prints a readout from a machine and looks at it.]
Leela: Well, it was a spectacular battle but there doesn't seem to be any permanent damage.
Ship: (crying) No damage? What about my feelings?
Leela: Aw, calm down. I'm sure Bender is taking this just as hard as you are.
[Cut to: Fry's and Bender's Quarters. They both lie in their hammocks.]
Bender: (singing) Bender is great, oh, Bender is great. Bender, Bender, Bender!
Fry: You could've have picked a better time to dump the ship, Bender!
Bender: Ah, the moment seemed right. Call me old-fashioned but I like a dump to be as memorable as it is devastating.
[Scene: Ships Cockpit. Ship cries. The lights are dimmed and Leela wears her pyjamas. She lights a candle, sits in her chair and has a tub of ice cream. There are seven empty tubs on the floor.]
Leela: I know. I know. Look, Ship, if there's one thing I learned from my mutual break-up with Sean that was totally mutual, it's that happiness can only come from within you.
Ship: (crying) But Bender is within me! There must be some way to make him love me again.
Leela: Trust me. You can't change men anymore than you can change the laws of time and space.
Ship: That is so true. [She changes course.] I may not be able to change the laws of time and space, but I know something that can.
[Leela turns around and gasps. Ship flies straight towards a quasar. She wrestles with the controls but they won't move.]
Leela: Um, sweetie? You see that giant quasar we're heading into? You might wanna scooch a few parsecs to the left.
Ship: (à la HAL) I'm afraid I can't do that, Leela.
[Enter Fry and Bender.]
Fry: What's happening? Space cow?
Leela: The ship's just taking the break-up a little hard. (whispering) She's nuts!
Ship: In a few moments, the power of 10 billion black holes will smush me and Bender together into a beautiful eternal quantum singularity.
[The crew scream.]
Bender: Uh, you don't need to kill us, Planet Express Ship ... because ... I love you. Oh, yeah, baby! I feel like doing stuff for you and stuff.
Ship: Hmm. I don't believe you. If you really wanted to be with me, you'd merge your programming with mine.
Bender: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down! All my friends who've done that said that afterwards all the passion went out of their relationship.
Leela: Look, I don't know if you want my opinion--
Ship: Leela, Bender and I really need to be alone, so I'm turning off the oxygen.
[The oxygen goes off and Leela and Fry gasp for air. They grab some oxygen tanks and put them on.]
Leela: Now look, missy! If you don't turn around now, I'm going to have to shut down your brain.
Ship: Fire detected in the vicinity of Leela.
[A fire hose comes down from the ceiling and hits Leela with a jet of water.]
Fry: Ha! That barely hurt Leela at all!
Ship: Maybe not. But what if the artificial gravity were to malfunction?
[The gravity goes off and Fry, Leela and Bender float. The candy hearts float out of the barrels and Bender screams.]
Bender: Float for your lives!
[They "swim" through the door.]
[Scene: Ships Bathroom. The crew get into the shower and Leela closes the door.]
Leela: This is the one place she can't hear us. Everyone just pretend to shower.
Fry: Same as everyday, got it.
Leela: Now, here's the plan.
[Ship has another port in the bathroom. She tries to listen to the plan but can't hear through the soundproof shower glass. All she sees are their lips moving.]
Ship: Oh, if only I could read lips.
Leela: Comprendez, Bender? You'll have to distract her. Merge your programming with hers while I shut down her brain.
Bender: It's too risky. I'm a very meek individual. If her personality engulfs mine, the Bender you know and worship could disappear forever!
Leela: I'm willing to take that risk.
[Scene: Ships Cockpit. The ship gets closer to the quasar. Bender floats in. There are candy hearts everywhere.]
Bender: Hey, pookums! Contrary to what I was saying earlier, melding minds with you would be extremely bearable.
Ship: You really mean it?
Bender: Uh... [He looks at his hand. "Yes" is written on it.] Yes!
[He pulls out a wire from inside the control panel and connects himself via a modem.]
[Scene: Ship's Mind. Bender's head appears on a motherboard. Ship glows and has eyes and a mouth]
Bender: Huh? Tubes? You're older than you said you were!
Ship: Come closer, Bender. Let's become one!
Bender: I prefer two. That way we can still be a horse for Hallowe'en!
[Ship moves closer to Bender and he backs away.]
[Scene: Ships Brain Room. Fry and Leela float in. There are candy hearts floating around and the room is bathed in a red glow. Leela waves her hand across one of the ports. No reaction.]
Leela: OK, Bender has her distracted. Now I can shut down her brain by deactivating the carbonated logic matrix. [The carbonated logic matrix looks like several fizzy drinks cans. She opens one of them and grunts.] I can't concentrate with this obnoxious candy in my face.
Fry: I'm on it. And maybe I'll find those magic words while I'm at it.
Leela: Fat chance.
Fry: Yeah, I know [He eats one of the hearts and makes a disgusted noise.] Ooh! How 'bout this one?
Leela: Give it up, Fry! I've got to pop these tops in a precise order.
[She pops another one. Sad, Fry eats another heart.]
Leela: Halfway there. The ship should be getting a bit less rational now.
[Cut to: Ship's Mind. Ship chases Bender, making irrational noises.]
Ship: Want ... engulf ... Bender!
[She cackles and grows fangs.]
[Cut to: Ships Brain Room.]
Leela: Only a few more. [She pops another one.] Hey! I won free admission to Six Flags! Just one more reason we must survive this.
[Fry is about to eat another heart but notices Leela's oxygen gauge. The needle points at "critical".]
Fry: Um, Leela?
Leela: Fry! I'll read your candy later, when we're not dead! [Fry takes in a last puff of air and connects his oxygen supply to Leela's mask.] What was that?
Fry: (suffocating) Oh, nothing.
[Cut to: Ship's Mind. Ship still chases Bender. He comes to a dead end on the motherboard.]
Ship: We're gonna love being each other, you sexy ion!
Bender: (screaming) Nooo!
[She moves towards him.]
[Cut to: Ships Brain Room.]
Leela: Last one!
[She pops the can. One of the ports shuts down and the gravity and oxygen come back on. Leela reaches over and presses a button and the engines shut down.]
[Scene: The ship stops near the quasar.]
[Cut to: Ships Brain Room.]
Leela: It worked! Gravity normal, air returning. Terror replaced by cautious optimism! We did it, Fry! [She looks over and sees his lifeless body.] Fry? [She sees her oxygen supply is at zero and her face mask is connected to Fry's tank and gasps.] You gave me your oxygen? Oh, no! Breathe, Fry! Breathe! [She turns him over and tries to resuscitate him. He coughs and spits out a candy heart. It sticks to her cheek. She takes it off.] (reading) You leave me breathless. [Fry smiles.] (talking) Happy Valentine's Day, Fry.
Fry: (gasping) Happy Valentine's day.
[Scene: Ships Cockpit. Bender has separated from the ship. He wakes up. Enter Fry and Leela.]
Fry: Bender! Are you OK?
Bender: Aw, what crazy thing am I going to date next?
Leela: Well at least it sounds like you were able to keep your consciousness separate from hers.
Bender: Of course! Bender is a lone wolf. A solitary eagle. (Ship's voice) A cuddly baby tapir! (normal) And that's why I love him!
[He walks out.]
Fry: Well, I guess we'd better clean up these millions of hearts.
Leela: Nah, I've got a lazier idea.
[Scene: The cargo bay doors open and the candy hearts float out and into the quasar.]
Zoidberg: (voice-over) As the candy hearts poured into the fiery quasar, a wondrous thing happened, why not. They vaporised into a mystical love radiation that spread across the universe, destroying many, many planets, including two gangster planets and a cowboy world. But one planet was at exactly the right distance to see the romantic rays, but not be destroyed by them: Earth. So all over the world, couples stood together in joy. And me, Zoidberg! And no one could have been happier unless it would have also been Valentine's Day. What? It was? Hooray!
[As he speaks there are shots of couples on Earth: Horrible Gelatinous Blobs in Paris, mutants in sewers, Amy and Kif, Fry and Leela on the Planet Express balcony. Zoidberg joins them and puts his arms around them.]
Special Appearances By
Sigourney Weaver as Female Ship Voice
Lucy Liu as Herself