[Opening Credits. Caption: It's Like "Hee-Haw" With Lasers.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Bender, Amy, Hermes, Fry and Zoidberg are gathered around the table. Enter Farnsworth and Leela.]
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! You all know the orphanarium where Leela grew up?
Fry: Sure. We talk about it all the time.
Fry: No. Burn!
[Fry and Bender high-five.]
Farnsworth: Well done, fellows! Anyway, said orphanarium has named Leela "Orphan of the Year".
Amy: Your parents must be so proud. Oops! Sorry.
Farnsworth: And the good news keeps on coming. Behold my latest invention.
[He presses a button on a remote and the wall opens up. A big machine with gauges and flashing lights slides forward.]
[Farnsworth pulls a switch on the machine and parts of it move around and make noises like the gum machine in Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory. A small green thing lands in a tray on the side of the machine.]
Farnsworth: Ta-da! It's a glow-in-the-dark nose you can wear over your regular non-glowing nose. Observe.
[He puts the nose on then presses a button on the remote and the lights go off. His new nose glows.]
Amy: Whoa, clool!
Bender: Now I can punch you in the nose in the dark.
[Farnsworth sneezes and the nose flies off and lands on Bender's face. The lights come back on and everyone stares at Bender. He looks around.]
Bender: (snuffed) Where'd it go?
[Amy goes behind the machine. It spews green waste into barrels.]
Amy: Hey, Professor, what's all this scloop, glorking out of the machine?
Farnsworth: That? It's, uh ... nothing. Yes, nothing. If you think it's anything, you're a suspicious moron.
Hermes: It looks like toxic waste. [He sniffs.] And it smells like toxic waste.
Fry: What does it taste like?
[Hermes tastes it.]
Hermes: Delicious fig pudding! Ooh, that's good! But a distinct aftertaste of toxic waste.
Farnsworth: Alright, alright, so the machine produces a few toxic by-products! You don't have to make a federal case out of it.
Hermes: I'm afraid I do. [He takes out his Federal Bureaucracy badge and Farnsworth gasps.] I order you dispose of that toxic waste properly or bribe me. Either way it'll cost $500.
Bender: 500 real dollars? That's an outrage! Professor, I'll take care of that waste for $499 and 100 cents.
Farnsworth: Hmm, I know that's a rip but I'll pay for the convenience. Do you take credit cards?
Bender: Let's find out.
[He swipes the card across his mouth.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Attic Balcony. Bender holds a waste hose.]
Bender: Alright, environment, you've met your match!
[He chuckles. He pushes the hose over the railings towards the street. On its way down the hose shoots some waste across the road where it hits and partially dissolves a tree. The tree falls onto a car which melts the road and disappears through a hole. The hose stops by a manhole and pumps waste into the sewers. Bender whistles and fans his money.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Vyolet the mutant crawls out of the sewer in a wedding dress. She splutters.]
Smitty: Hey, get back in the sewer, weird-y. No mutants on the surface.
Vyolet: But he ruined my wedding dress.
[Cut to: Planet Express: Attic Balcony.]
Bender: Honey, that thing was ruined the minute it went on you. That's what I'm talkin' 'bout.
[He struts off with his cigar and money.]
[Scene: Cookieville Minimum-Security Orphanarium Auditorium. Party streams have been put up and there is a banner which reads "Wall Of Fame Induction. No Really Loud Snoring". Warden Vogel stands behind a lectern, addressing the rows of children and the Planet Express staff. Leela sits to his right in front of the wall of fame.]
Vogel: Y'know, it's not easy being an orphan -- not if I have anything to do with it. [He chuckles to himself.] But today's honouree, Turanga Leela, has really made something of herself. [He smiles to Leela. She smiles back.] I'll never forget the night that cute little alien baby was abandoned on our doorstep. Because I have a photographic memory and I remember every night!
[Flashback. Vogel sits in his office and the doorbell goes. He opens the door, looks around, then looks down. Baby Leela is in a basket. He picks her up and tickles her. He sees a note.]
Vogel: What the--? An alien language? I guess you're an alien. What a beautiful gigantic eye you ha-- [Leela kicks him.] Well, come on in.
[He takes her inside and tosses the basket into a pile of other baskets.]
Vogel: From those humble beginnings, Leela went on to become a county-certified starship captain. And so it is my pleasure today to nail her picture alongside those of our most distinguished alumni.
[The crowd cheers. Vogel hammers a nail into the wall and Leela stands up.]
Leela: Thank you very much. Like many of you, I never knew my parents...
Vogel: [hammering] Give me a--
Leela: I don't know if they were mighty alien overlords or simply underpaid alien janitors who fought crime on the side--
Vogel: There we are. Picture's up.
Bender: (shouting) It's crooked!
Leela: In the end though, it doesn't matter who my parents were. All that matters is what I learned here, within these unscalable walls, that I have strength to make it on my own, just like all of you kids here today.
[The kids in the audience cheer.]
Kids: (chanting) Leela! Leela! Leela!
[Nina puts on an eye patch.]
Nina: Look at me! I'm Leela!
Albert: Nuh-uh! 'Cause I'm double Leela!
[He covers both of his eyes and runs into the wall. Leela's picture falls off.]
Vogel: That's it, Albert, no more espresso for you.
[Time Lapse. Leela talks to Fry.]
Photographer: Mind if I get a picture of you with your picture for the news, ma'am?
Leela: Yes! I mean no! Just make sure you get my nonchalant side!
[A man from the wall runs in behind Leela to get in on her photo and hoots.]
[Scene: Planet Express Corridor. Fry walks and hears Leela crying.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Locker Room. Leela sits on the bench. She takes her wrist machine off, revealing a bracelet under it.]
Fry: If those aren't tears of happiness, please stop crying.
Leela: (crying) It's OK, Fry. I'm fine. I won an award today.
Fry: Is it this room that's making you sad? It's probably the room. Come on, let's go for a walk.
[Scene: Outside Planet Express. Fry and Leela walk out of the building and down the street by the river.]
Leela: I'm sorry you saw that, Fry. I usually try to keep my sadness pent up inside where it can fester quietly as a mental illness.
Fry: Yeah, I do that with my stupidness.
Leela: I told a whole crowd today that being an orphan made me strong. But all I really wanted was a mom and dad, to hold me and stroke my hair and tell me they loved me.
Fry: Then today's your lucky day, because I happen to be a holding, stroking, lovin' machine! Also spankin'.
Leela: That's not even close to what I had in mind.
Fry: Well, anyway, just remember that people care about you.
Leela: I know. [They both look up at the stars.] Sometimes, when I'm lonely, I look up at the sky and I get this feeling that somewhere, on some unknown planet, circling a distant star, my parents are up there, looking down on me.
[From the sewers a pair of Cyclopses look up at Leela.]
[Time Lapse. In daylight, Bender backs up a truck to a manhole near the Planet Express building. He hums to himself. Fry and Leela walk out of the building.]
Fry: Yo, yo, Bezender! What up?
Bender: My dumping business is booming. I just got hired to clean up the set of Free Willy 3.
[He presses a button and the truck tips out a whale. Bender forces it down the manhole by stamping on it.]
Leela: Bender! Cut it out! First of all, the sewer mutants will be mad. Second, everything else that's horribly wrong with what you're doing!
Bender: Ah, those stupid mutants can't do anything. You seem to be forgetting one simple fact. Namely, I'm up here and they are safely down--
[Green sewage erupts from a fire hydrant and the manhole. Bender screams. The manhole crumbles away, followed by the road around it. Three mutants grab Fry, Leela and Bender and pull them underground. They scream. The hole expands and takes Bender's truck with it.]
[Scene: New New York City Sewers. Fry, Leela and Bender are tied up and suspended over a pool of green sewage.]
Bender: (shouting) What did I do to deserve this?
Dwayne: Behold, our once beautiful mutagenic sewage lake.
Vyolet: The radioactive waste you dumped in it has made it bright enough to see how ugly we really are.
[She and Dwayne look at each other and cringe.]
Dwayne: Oh, man!
Raoul: As if our lives weren't miserable enough already!
Leg Mutant: Tell me about it!
Raoul: Let the punishment commence!
Fry: No fair!
Bender: Bender's innocent!
Raoul: The instant you touch these mutatious waters, your DNA will be forever altered, turning you into horrible mutants like us. Especially him! [He points at the leg mutant who sighs.] Allow me to demonstrate!
[He pulls a lever and a rat is lowered into the sewage. It comes back up as a green pig with fins and bat wings. Leela and Bender groan and Fry wretches.]
Fry: It's like that time I peeked in the kitchen at Imperial Hunan.
Raoul: Submerge the prisoners.
[The crew are lowered towards the sewage. Bender panics then stops.]
Bender: Wait. I don't even have DNA. Why am I screaming?
Dwayne: We're gonna beat you afterwards.
[Bender continues panicking.]
Mutants: (chanting) Mutate! Mutate! Mutate! ...
[Two hooded figures emerge from the crowd.]
Hooded Figure #1: (shouting) Turanga Leela!
Leela: Who said that? How do you know my real name?
[The hooded figures climb onto the crane holding the crew over the sewage and turn it so they are no longer suspended over the lake.]
Raoul: What are you doing? Stop it!
[Fry, Leela and Bender fall to the ground.]
Fry: What happened?
Leela: I don't know. I think I saved us somehow.
Raoul: (shouting) Go after them! The waters can't mutate us mutants!
[The mutants dive into the sewage and swim across. Fry, Leela and Bender run away.]
[Cut to: Mutant Village. Fry, Leela and Bender run down past the cafes and Starbucks.]
Raoul: They went this way!
[The crew stop outside a building that appears empty.]
Bender: Quick! In there!
[He picks up Fry by his ankle and swings him at the window, breaking it. He and Leela jump in. Fry crawls in after them. The mutants run past.]
Dwayne: Kill! Kill! Kill!
[Cut to: Building. The trio dust themselves off and look around. Leela sees a wall full of newspaper clippings and things to do with her.]
Leela: Great Cheech's ghost!
Bender: What's this junk?
Leela: It looks like ... a timeline of my whole life.
[Fry sees a news clipping.]
Fry: That's when we saved Earth from a giant asteroid of garbage.
Leela: And here's when I dropped out and bummed around India for a while.
Bender: And this is just last year at Space Mardi Gras.
Leela: It's like some kind of weird Leela museum ... and I'm the Leela!
Fry: (whispering) Dude! Over here!
[Leela and Bender walk over to where Fry is, next to a shelf with lots of Leela stuff on it.]
Leela: It's all the best stuff I ever flushed down the toilet! Those are some of my diary pages. And my screenplay!
Fry: And also, for some reason, the letter I wrote you full of my personal feelings.
Leela: [shivering] Oh, I'm scared! [She strokes her ponytail.] My whole life has just been a show for some perverted mutant!
[The mutants approach the building.]
Vyolet: (from outside) They must be in here.
Raoul: (from outside) Yeah, after them.
Bender: And then Bender ran!
[He and Fry run for the door. Leela is still standing by the shelf.]
Fry: Leela, freak out later. We're not done escaping yet!
[She doesn't move. Fry and Bender try to pull her away but she stays rooted to the ground. The mutants run in and grab them.]
Dwayne: Got you!
Leg Mutant: Take this!
[He kicks Fry in the shin.]
[Scene: Mutant Village.]
Raoul: This time I'm calling for the death penalty. And not just because I'm running for re-election as Supreme Mutant.
Mutants: (chanting) Four more years! Four more years!
[The hooded figures emerge from the crowd again. One taps Raoul on the shoulder and whispers to him.]
Raoul: Oh, very well. [He turns to the mutants.] Your attention. Instead of being tortured to death, the prisoners shall hereby be expelled from the sewers and never allowed to return.
Bender: (sarcastic) Oh, cruel fate! Can we really never return to this dank pit of sewage?
Leela: Wait a minute. Why aren't you gonna kill us anymore?
Bender: Yeah! What are you chicken?
Fry: (whispering) Shut up, you two! We can kill ourselves when we get home!
Raoul: They'll need transportation to the surface. Bring in the airship.
[Some mutants haul in a large patchwork balloon.]
Raoul: We constructed it from the remnants of old discarded Macy's parade balloons. Underdog's groin, Bart Simpson's left ear and right shin, Garfield's owner Jon's forehead.
Mutant #1: Fire up the sewer gas!
[A three-eyed mutant turns the balloon gas on. Fry, Leela and Bender gag. The balloon sails up and hits the roof of the sewer. The three-eyed mutant puts a plank out to a ladder.]
Mutant #2: Move it, you ugly normals!
[He forces Bender onto the plank and it wobbles. Bender looks down.]
Bender: Uh, I'm gettin' dizzy! I can't walk straight!
[He pulls a unicycle out of his chest cabinet and cycles along the plank. Fry and Leela climb on and quickly move across. Leela stops at the bottom of the ladder. The airship sails back down. Bender opens the manhole and he and Fry climb out. Leela, still on the ladder, looks back down.]
Fry: (from outside) Come on, Leela. You can do it!
Bender: (from outside) Hurry! We're missing our bus!
[Leela climbs the ladder but looks back down again at the hooded figures. She closes the manhole.]
Fry: (from outside) Whoa! What are you doing?
Bender: (from outside) I'm gettin' on the bus!
Leela: (shouting) Don't worry! I'll be fine! [She looks down again.] (talking) They know something about me and I've got to find out what. [She swan dives off the ladder, into the sewage. She appears to emerge as a mutant with an octopus head. She takes the octopus off and looks at her reflection.] The lake didn't mutate me. What is going on here?
Octopus: It worked for me. I used to be a little blonde girl named Virginia.
Leela: Eurgh! [She throws the octopus back into the sewage, turns and sees the hooded figures. She gasps.] Who the hell are you?
Hooded Figure #1: No one. And watch your language, young lady!
[They run away and she chases them. The three-eyed mutant gets in her way.]
Mutant #2: Stop right there! I don't want to hurt you. [Leela kicks him over.] I didn't want you to hurt me either!
[Scene: Cookieville Orphanarium: Vogel's Office.]
Fry: Leela's going nuts and I can't save her unless I learn more about her mysterious past. Isn't there anything else you can tell me?
Vogel: Nah. Nothing that wouldn't be a waste of your time.
Fry: That's impossible because my time is worthless!
Vogel: Huh. Well then there is one thing. [He pulls out a file.] It's the note I found with Leela the day she was abandoned. But it's written in Alienese, so no one on Earth can translate it. Not even Brainzilla.
Fry: Hand it over.
Vogel: Sure. [He hands Fry the paper.] I just wish I could be more helpful. Would you like some dirt on any other orphans?
Fry: Look, I'm trying to save someone here. I'll have to come back for those later.
[Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Fry shows Farnsworth the paper.]
Fry: Can you translate it?
Farnsworth: Of course. But only into Beta Crypt 3, a language so complex there's even less chance of understanding it.
Fry: I didn't ask for a completely reasonable excuse. I asked you to get busy.
Farnsworth: Very well.
[He presses a button and the machine that makes glow-in-the-dark noses comes out of the wall. Farnsworth feeds the paper in.]
Fry: Isn't that the same machine that makes noses?
Farnsworth: It can do other things. Why shouldn't it? [He throws the switch.] Of course, even if it is possible to analyse the message, there's no way of knowing how long it would take. It could take an hour or it could take a hundred million years.
[The machines dings.]
Fry: Is it done?
Farnsworth: Certainly not. Two dings means it's done. [Two dings.] But not like that. Slightly more rapid.
[Two slightly more rapid dings. Fry gasps. Farnsworth shakes his head.]
[Scene: New New York City Sewers. Leela chases the hooded figures through the tunnels but loses them where some pipes intersect.]
Leela: Where did they go?
[Some rubbish falls on her from above. She looks up through a grate and sees Bender.]
Bender: Good news, Leela. I landed the contract to empty all the spittoons in Little Italy.
[He empties a spittoon. Leela rolls out of the way of the spit.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Fry paces while Farnsworth sleeps. The machine rapidly dings twice. Farnsworth wakes up.]
Farnsworth: That's it! It's done! [Fry gasps.] I can't believe it! My mind is boggling. The analysis of the note is printing out now.
[A dot matrix printer prints off the analysis. Fry tears it off and they both read it. Fry gasps.]
[Flashback: 20-Something Years Ago. 100-Something Feet Underground. A baby is born in the house Fry, Leela and Bender hid in in the sewers.]
Doctor: It's a girl.
[Two Cyclopses look at their baby Cyclops. The mother has tentacles and the other's mouth is sideways.]
Mother: My God! She's beautiful. No extra anythings.
[The father reaches his hand out. The baby grabs his finger and coos.]
Father: Good people skills!
Mother: She's completely perfect!
Doctor: In my professional opinion as an ear, ear, ear, nose and throat doctor, she is the least-mutated mutant ever born.
Father: And yet she's cursed to live the horrible degrading life of a mutant. Like all of us. Especially him!
[He points at the Leg Mutant.]
Leg Mutant: It's true!
Mother: Maybe we can do better for her.
[Scene: Outside Cookieville Minimum-Security Orphanarium. The mutants come out of a manhole near the building with their baby. They put it in a basket outside the front door. The father puts a bracelet on the baby's wrist.]
Father: I made this bracelet so that in some small way we'll always be with you, even when it doesn't seem like it. During your entire life, for example.
[He kisses her.]
Mother: You won't pass for human, cutie. But if my PhD in exo-linguistics is worth diddly-poop, this note should convince them you're an alien. [She attaches the note to the baby's blanket.] And that'll be enough to give you a real life.
[She kisses the baby, puts her hood up and runs down the steps. The father rings the doorbell and follows her. Warden Vogel opens the door and sees the baby. The parents watch from the manhole.]
Father: She'll never know we're her parents.
Mother: That's our gift to her. Better we should die than have her learn the shameful truth of her origin.
Father: I'm with you.
[They hug. Then turn and watch Vogel.]
Vogel: What a beautiful gigantic eye you ha-- [The baby kicks him.] Well, come on in.
[The parents watch Leela disappear inside, hold their breath and dive into the sewers.]
[Scene: New New York City Sewers. Leela is still chasing the hooded figures. They run into the house and lock the door. Leela climbs a pole and jumps onto the roof.]
[Cut to: Building.]
Hooded Figure #1: Keep quiet so she doesn't hear us.
Hooded Figure #2: What's there to talk about?
Hooded Figure #1: Sh!
[Leela stands behind them.]
Leela: Hands up! [One hooded figure puts it's hands up.] Tentacles too!
[The other one puts it's tentacles up.]
Hooded Figure #1: Don't say anything stupid, Morris.
Leela: What is all this? [She points to the wall with all her pictures on it.] Am I a game to you? Or some kind of even more boring Truman Show? Do you believe I'm you Messiah? Your Mutant Dalai Lama? Stop me if I guess it!
Hooded Figure #2: Well, actually, there--
[Hooded Figure #1 stops him.]
Hooded Figure #1: Morris! Sh!
Leela: (angry) And what about this [She pulls a bracelet off one of them. She compares it to her own.] How did you get this bracelet? Did you steal it from me when I was a baby? Or from my parents? You robbed my parents, didn't you? I bet you sick mutants killed them. My parents were confused aliens lost on Earth and you killed them! Is that it? Admit it!
Hooded Figure #2: (sombre) Yes. We killed them.
Hooded Figure #1: You guessed the truth.
Leela: Because of you I'll never know my parents. I'll kill you!
[She raises her gun.]
Hooded Figure #1: That would be best.
[Leela charges her laser. It bleeps. The hooded figures hold each other.]
Fry: Stop! [He falls through the roof along with some noses.] Thanks, Bender! Don't do it, Leela!
Leela: They killed my parents!
[He walks behind the hooded figures and pulls off their hoods. They are the mutants from the flashback. Leela lowers her gun.]
Leela: They are my parents.
Fry: I had the Professor analyse the Alienese letter that was found with you.
Leela: What does it say?
Fry: I 'unno. But the analysis showed it was printed on recycled toilet paper. A squeezably soft paper used mainly in the sewers.
[Leela's mother takes the paper.]
Munda: It says, "Your parents love you very much".
Morris: We still do.
Leela: So, I'm not an alien? I'm a mutant.
Morris: We never wanted you to know. You deserved a better life.
Munda: You must despise us.
Leela: (crying) You're my parents. All I've ever wanted is to know you. [They hug.] This is the happiest moment of my life.
[They cry. It rains.]
[Cut to: New New York City Street. The "rain" is Bender emptying a spittoon on them.]
[Montage. Over the montage, Pizzicato Five's Baby Love Child plays. Baby Leela crawls down a corridor at the orphanarium and nearly falls down the stairs. Morris's arm comes out of the wall and turns her around. Young Leela sits at a desk in her room studying. Munda's tentacle comes through the toilet and puts a box of cookies on her desk. Leela smiles and eats them. Teenage Leela walks around the city wearing a party hat and smiling awkwardly. Munda puts a present on the pavement. Leela reads the "Happy Birthday Leela" message. Present-day Leela tosses and turns in bed. Morris puts his arm through a grate and pulls the sheet over her. She smiles and goes to sleep.]