4acv01: Kif Gets Knocked Up a Notch
From The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Bigfoot's Choice.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Farnsworth sits at the table drinking something. Amy flies in on a rocket-propelled board, cheering. She lands it and slips off and screams.]
Amy: Shman! The Great Rad Spot is mega-sweet for party-boarding.
Amy: Any calls while I was out?
Leela: Yeah. You got a tele-sonic transmission from Kif a couple hours ago.
Amy: My Kiffie called? [She walks over to the screen. Kif is still on the line, drumming his fingers on the desk in front of him.] Kif?
Kif: [on screen] Ooh, Amy, you're back. Another hour and I would have thought about hanging up.
Amy: Why didn't you just leave a message, sweetie?
Kif: [on screen] Well, um, I've left hundreds of messages with your answering machine but you never seem to get them.
Amy: (shouting) Bender!
Bender: Not my fault if you don't check me! [He pushes his flashing antenna down and a tape inside him rewinds.] Messages erased.
Kif: [on screen] Oh, dearest, this long-distance relationship is too much to bear. [Zapp walks behind him, just about wearing a towel. He hums and rubs the towel between his legs.] When even an inch separates us, I quiver with misery. So you can imagine how I feel when it's a billion light years.
[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.]
Amy: [on screen] Kif, don't cry, or you'll get a tummy ache.
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. On the screen Zapp walks up behind Kif.]
Zapp: [on screen] Lieutenant, some things came off me and clogged the drain, so if you could-- Oh, ho! What's this?
[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge. He sees Leela on the couch and zooms in on her.]
Zapp: Well, well, well! Do my eyes believe me or is that my bosom-y swan, Leela?
Leela: [on screen] Say again. You're breaking up!
[She throws the book she is reading at the screen.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Leela's book hits the screen and smashes it, cutting off the line. Amy groans. Enter Farnsworth.]
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! You'll be delivering pain medicine to the hive mind of Nigel 7.
[Scruffy wheels a sack truck in through the other door with a big pill on it.]
Scruffy: Scruffy's rollin' out a large pill!
Amy: You're going to Nigel 7? Kif's on patrol near there. You could drop me off on the way.
Farnsworth: We could but we won't! It's a spaceship, damnit, not a prom limousine! [He growls.] If anyone needs me I'll be in the Angry Dome.
[He leaves, waving his fists.]
[Scene: Outside Planet Express. The ship takes off. Farnsworth paces around and curses in the Angry Dome which is a small transparent structure on the roof between the hangar and Farnsworth's home dome.]
[Scene: The ship flies away from Earth.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. The crew are at their stations.]
Leela: This is a very long trip. So we'll all have to go into hibernative-naptosis to save oxygen.
[She presses a button and the lights dim. She and Fry walk out. Bender folds his arms in disgust.]
Bender: (muttering) I don't even breathe oxygen!
[He closes his eyes.]
[Scene: Leela's Quarters. She sleeps with Nibbler on her.]
[Cut to: Fry's and Bender's Quarters. Fry sleeps on the bottom hammock. Nearby is a sword and his helmet from When Aliens Attack.]
[Cut to: Ships Cargo Bay. The giant pill begins to shake. It breaks apart and Amy climbs out of it.]
[Scene: Ships Cockpit. Amy sneaks past Bender, sits in the pilot's seat and takes control of the ship.]
Amy: (whispering) Here I come, Kif!
[She turns the ship around and laughs.]
[Scene: Nimbus Bridge. Zapp watches Casper the Friendly Ghost on the screen and laughs.]
Zapp: They jumped right out of their pants! [A klaxon goes off and the message "Approaching Vessel: Collision Imminent" appears on several screens.] Oh, what now? Activate glass window. [Kif lifts the projection screen up. The Planet Express ship flies towards them. Kif gasps.] Kif, I'm sensing a very sensual disturbance in the force. Prepare for ship-to-ship intimacy!
Kif: Yes, sir, captain!
[Scene: The front section of the Nimbus's starboard leg opens up and swallows the Planet Express ship ą la the SP.E.C.T.R.E. spaceship in You Only Live Twice.]
[Scene: Leela's Quarters. The lights come on and Leela wakes up. She screams and turns over and sees Zapp lying beside her.]
Zapp: How 'bout I help you finish that dream you were having about me?
Leela: OK. I was just at this part: Yah!
[She punches him and he falls off the bed.]
Zapp: Uh, let's try that a little lower and a lot softer!
[Scene: Kif's Quarters. Kif and Amy sit on his bed.]
Kif: Imagine you stowing away and stealing a licensed starship! Oh, it's so romantic it gives me the shivers!
Amy: I don't care how much trouble I get in. I needed to feel my lips pressed against your lipless beak.
Kif: Oh, Amy, I can't stand having a whole universe between us. I've been thinking a lot about this and, well, would you move in with me?
Amy: Here? But, uh, wouldn't it be crowded?
Kif: No, no! It's really twice the size. You can use the floor and I'll have the ceiling. See?
[He climbs up the wall and onto the ceiling. Amy giggles.]
Amy: Kif! You have so much creativity and niceness, but I'm not ... [Kif falls from the ceiling.] ... sure if I--
Kif: Hush! Before you answer, come thither.
[Scene: Nimbus Holo-Shed. A bare room which looks very similar to the Holodeck from Star Trek: The Next Generation. The walls, floors and ceiling are criss-crossed with lines. Amy looks around.]
Kif: This is the Holo-Shed. It can simulate anything you desire, and nothing can hurt you. Except when it malfunctions and the holograms become real.
Amy: Well, that probably won't happen this time.
Kif: I wanted to show you what life would be like if we were together. Computer: Run program "Kif 1".
[A landscape with a small house and snow-capped mountains in the background materialises around them. Amy gasps.]
Amy: This is so beautiful! [A pony gallops by.] Spirit! Kif, that's the pony I always wanted but my parents said I had too many ponies already.
Kif: Yes, I programmed it in for you. 4 million lines of BASIC! And if this isn't the life you want, how 'bout this? Run program "Kif 2".
[The environment changes to a nighttime scene by a moonlit lake.]
Amy: Oh, Kif!
[They put their arms around each other.]
Kif: We could live here at the shore of the Tranquilibrius Sea in a timeshare. And I would pluck the moon from the sky just to see you smile. [He reaches up to the moon and tries to pull it down. He struggles. It starts to glide away from the shore, pulling him over the water.] Almost got it. It seems to be ... sort of ... stuck! [He falls into the water.] I love you! [The moon falls and hits him on the head. He splutters.] Run program "Kif://3".
[The environment changes to a castle in the clouds.]
Amy: This isn't bad. My aunt had a place like this.
Kif: Amy, we could live in a bus station bathroom for all I care. As long as we're together, it'll feel like a castle to me.
Amy: Kif, I'd love to live with you ... someday. But before then there's still lots I wanna do on my own. [The Holo-Shed crackles around them.] What was that?
Kif: Oh, dear. I fear the Holo-Shed might be broken again. Well, as long as we don't cross paths with Attila the--
[...Hun bursts through the castle gates followed by Professor Moriarty, Jack the Ripper and an evil Abraham Lincoln.]
Amy: Look! Spirit!
[Attila the Hun rides Spirit. Spirit rears up and growls.]
Kif: And there's Professor Moriarty, Jack the Ripper, Evil Lincoln!
[Evil Lincoln laughs maniacally.]
Moriarty: Right-oh, gents, it's another simulation gone mad, so murder and mayhem, standard procedure!
[They start wrecking the castle.]
Jack the Ripper: Rampage!
Evil Lincoln: (shouting) Real holographic-simulated Evil Lincoln is back!
[He smashes his axe into the castle wall and the environment fizzles out, leaving Kif, Amy and the holograms in the bare Holo-Shed. Kif and Amy run out.]
[Scene: Nimbus Bridge. Klaxons buzz and red lights flash on and off. Enter Amy and Kif.]
Kif: The Holo-Shed's on the fritz again! The characters turned real!
Zapp: Damn. The last time that happened I got slapped with three paternity suits. [The holograms run in and everyone screams.] Listen up, history's greatest villains... [He holds up a large gun.] Get back into the Holo-Shed before I start blasting!
Attila the Hun: Stop! Don't shoot fire stick in space canoe! Cause explosive decompression!
Zapp: Spare me your space-age techno-babble, Attila the Hun!
[He shoots at them. They dodge the lasers and one shot hits the wall. The bridge starts decompressing. The holograms are blown out into space through the hole. Leela grabs hold of Zapp's chair, Fry grabs her legs and Bender grabs Fry's legs. His chest cabinet opens and an Egyptian artefact falls out. He groans. Zapp flies by and grabs Bender's legs.]
[Zapp's toupee wobbles in the wind. On the other side of the bridge Amy starts losing her grip on Kif's hand.]
Amy: Kif! Hold on!
Kif: I totally want to!
[His hand slips out of his glove. Amy grabs his face but loses her grip and the wind carries him towards the hole. He grabs hold of Leela.]
Leela: Grab on!
[He loses his grip on her and grabs Fry's trouser leg.]
Fry: Over here!
[He reaches for Bender but he doesn't help.]
Kif: Please hold me!
Bender: Have a good one! [He flies towards the hole. The holographic Moon bounces in, bounces across the bridge and plugs the hole. The wind stops and everyone hits the floor.] Oh, man!
[Zapp breathes a sigh of relief and straightens his toupee.]
Zapp: After all that I could use some relaxation. I'll be in the Holo-Shed.
[Scene: Nimbus Sick Bay & Horta Burn Clinic. Dr. Veins McGee finishes examining Zapp.]
McGee: Well, except for a few broken bones, some internal haemorrhaging and a partially barfed-up heart, everyone appears fine. [Everyone breathes sighs of relief.] Oh, and Kif is pregnant.
[Everyone gasps. Kif hugs Amy.]
Kif: Oh, joy!
Kif: Amy, isn't it wonderful? I'm pregnant!
Amy: Yes it's ... great. A great miracle.
Leela: And not one of those bogus everyday miracles like a sunrise. Aren't you a male?
Bender: Yeah, what's the deal? Just when I thought I'd figured out you biological creatures, it's something else! Lemme at 'im! [He goes for Kif and everyone restrains him.] Come over here, Kif! You--
Zapp: Look, I'm sure we're all a little unclear on how anyone gets pregnant. So, Kif, pray explain. And don't spare the dirty words where appropriate.
Kif: Well, it's quite simple really. When one of my species experiences deep feelings of love we enter a so-called "receptive state".
Zapp: You disgust me! Go on.
Kif: At that point, our skin becomes a semi-permeable membrane, which allows the passage of genetic material. I held Amy's hand and voilą.
Bender: Well, OK. But that better be all there is!
Kif: Oh, Amy! You'll be a mother!
[He hugs her.]
[Scene: Kif's Quarters. Everyone except Zapp is there, including Evil Lincoln.]
Kif: What a wondrous affirmation of our love. And all from the touch of your hand.
[He laughs and rolls around.]
Fry: Dude, hold up. Remember when Zapp blew a hole in the ship?
Evil Lincoln: Indeed.
Fry: Kif touched everybody there. Couldn't any one of us be the mother?
Amy: Hey, yeah! I mean ... what about that, Kif?
Kif: Well, I suppose I might have gotten pregnant that way. Or even from a toilet seat. Though that's impossible since I have a private washroom.
[Kif's toilet flushes and Zapp emerges from the washroom.]
Zapp: Ah, my home away from home. By the way, Kif, your flush seemed to be set on stun, not kill.
Amy: Look, Kif, I probably am the mother. Although maybe I'm not. Of course, I hope I am. But just in case I'm not, maybe we should have a test.
Bender: A test! I demand a test!
[Scene: Planet Express: Hangar. A large centrifuge is in the middle of the room. Fry, Leela, Zapp and Amy stand around it. Kif, Farnsworth and Bender stand on the catwalk above.]
Farnsworth: Even I laughed at me when I built this alien cross-species genetic analyser. But I guess I showed myself! Subjects, please enter the chamber. [Fry, Leela, Amy and Zapp walk into it.] Now to take a DNA sample. [He draws some liquid from Kif, making him deflate, then puts the liquid in a part of the machine.] When I pull this switch, the maternifuge will spin at 10,000 RPM, separating out everyone who isn't the mother-- Father-- Whatever!
[He pulls the switch and the maternifuge starts spinning. Everyone in it screams. Farnsworth drops the floor from underneath them.]
Bender: Faster! Faster!
[Fry flies through a tube and hits a mattress on the catwalk.]
Farnsworth: Good. Fry's ejection indicates that he is not the man-mom. [Zapp comes through the tube, gets stuck halfway and finally flies out and lands on Fry.] Nor is Captain Brannigan.
[Kif wipes his forehead.]
Kif: Oh, thank you, merciful God!
[Zoidberg flies out.]
Farnsworth: Zoidberg? What the hell were you doing in there?
Zoidberg: That's where I live. I have no home.
[Everyone watches as Leela and Amy spin around in the maternifuge. Amy flies out and Kif gasps.]
Kif: Amy? But that means--
[He looks into the slowing maternifuge. Leela is the only one left. She slides out.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Everyone sits at the table.]
Kif: Leela must have impregnated me when she grabbed my ungloved hand. That explains the poster in hygiene class: "No Glove, No Love".
Leela: Wow, this is all so confusing.
Zapp: Leela! How could you? Our love has had to endure your constant hatred, and now this? (crying) Stop testing our love!
Kif: Please, Captain. I thank Leela for the DNA she gave me but, in my species, the true parent is the one who inspired the initial feeling of love. We call that person the "smizmar". And my smizmar is Amy.
Zapp: So the toilet seat is like the uncle or something?
[Scene: O'Zorgnax's Pub. Amy and Leela are out for drinks.]
Leela: Sorry I got your boyfriend pregnant.
Amy: That's OK. At least Kif's baby shower should be fun. I'd better put it on my calendar. [She presses her wrist machine and a calendar comes up in front of her.] Thursday: Baby shower, enter. [The calendar enters it in on Thursday the 4th.] Might as well plan for my new life while I'm at it. Set "Motherhood Mode".
[The calendar erases all of the entries and replaces it with "Motherhood". Amy sighs. Leela raises her glass.]
Leela: To motherhood.
[They clink their glasses and drink.]
[Scene: Fry's and Bender's Lounge. The Planet Express staff, Kif, Zapp and Leo and Inez Wong are gathered for baby shower. Bender wears his chef hat and hands out hors d'Oeuvres.]
[Zoidberg takes a claw-ful of hors d'Oeuvres.]
Fry: You know, my face was stuck in a pizza.
Amy: Mom, Dad, I know this is weird but--
Mrs. Wong: Yeah, yeah. We don't care how squishy alien get pregnant. All we care is that we have grandchild now.
Kif: You're very open-minded, Mrs. Wong.
Mr. Wong: Hey! You call her "Grandma" now!
Mrs. Wong: Call me Grandma like crazy! All the time!
[Fry taps his glass.]
Fry: Check it out, y'all. Everyone we invited is here.
Zoidberg: Also Zoidberg!
Fry: So let's open the gifts.
Kif: I can't wait! Let's start with this one, from Bender.
[He opens the box and takes out a pair of mounted robot shoes.]
Bender: It's my booties from when I was a kid.
Amy: Uh, they're already bronzed.
Bender: They are bronze.
Kif: And this one's from Leela. Oh, I just love the bow! I wonder what it is!
[He starts to open it. Zapp puts his arm around Leela.]
Zapp: Yes, I wonder what we got you.
[Leela elbows him in the stomach. Kif takes the present out of the box.]
Kif: It's a basket! F-For picnics?
Leela: It means a lot to me. It's the basket my parents left me in at the orphanarium.
Hermes: You could use it for picnics.
Mrs. Wong: Here, Amy. We get this one for you.
[She hands her a long box.]
Amy: Is it a new party board?
[She opens it.]
Mrs. Wong: It's a board alright! An ironing board.
Mr. Wong: We had your old party board converted now that you not be partying anymore.
Amy: You-You trashed my party board?
Mrs. Wong: Damn right! Now you're a mom, the only surfing you do is under a big wave of responsibility.
Kif: Oh, this is the happiest moment of my life! You all brought such wonderful gifts. But the greatest gift--
Kif: Is the bond I share with my smizmar, Amy. For soon, the quivering mass of life within me will depend on us both. [He rubs his bump.] Even now, I can sense it feeding, squirming, searching, questing. And shortly, it will rend my loins in twain, burst forth and pull us down, down, down into the deep, dark waters of commitment.
Zoidberg: That's so beautiful!
[He dries his tears with a mouth flap.]
Amy: (crying) Yes, it's, it's-- [She shakes her head.] No! I can't do this!
[She runs out of the room, crying. Everyone gasps.]
Bender: Oh, my God!
[Zoidberg cries like a baby.]
[Time Lapse. Mr. and Mrs. Wong and Zapp have left.]
Kif: Oh, how could Amy leave me? When will women learn to take responsibility for the children they've helped create? [His bump rumbles and he gasps.] The quickening! My time is near. I must return to my homeworld to perform the ancient birthing rites.
Scruffy: Lemme know how that turns out.
[He munches a biscuit.]
[Scene: Amphibios 9 Surface. The Planet Express ship lands in a jungle area and snaps through some vines. New ones quickly grow again, covering the ship.]
[Time Lapse. The crew, Kif and Zapp walk through the jungle. Kif stops them.]
Kif: I must now embark on a perilous journey to give birth in precisely the same swamp in which I was born.
Leela: If it's so dangerous, I'd better go with you. A gal has to protect her DNA.
Kif: No, Leela. Tradition demands that I make this journey with my smizmar. And since Amy isn't, here I must go it alone. Farewell, for we may never meet again.
[He walks towards the thick of the jungle and falls over.]
[Time Lapse. Fry, Zapp and Bender hack away at plants in front of them while Leela carries Kif.]
Kif: My scrapes feel a little better now.
[Bender sees a large blue creature.]
Bender: Hey, what's this fat ugly thing? A frog? A toad? Or your momma!
[He laughs. The creature's tongue wraps around him and it tries to swallow him.]
Kif: It's a poisonous froad! No one move.
[He inflates his head. The froad screams and drops Bender.]
Bender: I'm back, baby!
Kif: Behold! The sacred ancestral birthing grounds of my family.
Zapp: Smells like a jockstrap!
[A native of the planet rises from a puddle of mud.]
Grand Midwife: I am the Grand Midwife.
Kif: I am Kif, of the clan Kroker, come to bear my young.
Grand Midwife: Then let the Tea of New Life be brewed. [She points to a large jug with a tea bag string hanging out of it.] As it is writ, "and both shall lift the jug together". Where is your smizmar?
Kif: She's not with me.
Grand Midwife: Oh, the sorrow. Oh, the shame. I'm sorry, I'm probably just making you feel worse.
Kif: As long as Amy is with me in my heart I will have the strength of two. [He tries to lift the jug but struggles. Zapp shakes his head in disappointment.] Apparently Amy hasn't been working out much lately.
[He drags it a little way, stretching his arms.]
Grand Midwife: As the tea boils, please join hands with your beloved smizmar. [Kif looks away.] Oh, right, sorry. But I memorised the ceremony by rote and it mentions her a lot.
Kif: I'll try to endure.
Grand Midwife: Good, 'cause I'm not changing it. Now turn ye to and gaze deeply into each other's eyes.
[Kif looks at Bender.]
Bender: What are you looking at?
Grand Midwife: May the love I sense between you at this moment remain with you both through all your days. [Kif cries. The Midwife ladles some tea into a cup.] The Tea of New Life is ready. Let those whose love created this life speak each other's names, then drink.
[Kif looks into the cup and cries.]
Kif: (quietly) Amy.
Amy: (shouting) Kif!
[Everyone looks up and gasps. Amy flies towards the swamp on her party board.]
Kif: Amy! Is it you or have I gone crazy with loneliness?
[Amy lands and falls off.]
Amy: I still don't know if I'm ready for this but I do know I love you. And I wanna be here beside you.
Grand Midwife: Great! Now I lost my place! I'm starting over!
[Kif's bump rumbles.]
Kif: Oh, no time! It has begun! [He and Amy gulp back some of the tea and Kif falls back into the Midwife's arms. Amy holds his head and he groans.] Oh, my!
[Everyone else cringes at what is happening. Bender pulls out a camera and takes a photo.]
Amy: You can do it, Kif!
[Kif pushes again.]
Kif: Whoa, Nellie!
[He pushes some more and eventually some spawn comes from between his legs and makes a splash. Leela, Fry and Zapp cover their noses.]
Bender: Oh, man!
[Some one- and two-eyed tadpoles hop out from the spawn and head for the swamp.]
Kif: Amy, my love, tell me: Are they making it to the water?
[Some snakes and flying creatures surround the tadpoles. Leela breaks a large leaf off a plant and throws it to Amy.]
[Amy catches it and starts beating back the snakes and insects.]
Amy: Shoo! Stay away from my babies!
[A flying creature picks up a tadpole. Amy smacks it with the leaf and the tadpole falls to the ground. The creatures flee and the tadpoles hop into the water.]
Grand Midwife: The birthing is complete!
[Everyone cheers and gathers around Kif and Amy.]
Kif: Oh, thank goodness!
Grand Midwife: I will now take my leave. I live here so I won't actually be going anywhere, but you don't have to talk to me anymore.
Zapp: Nice work!
Bender: Way to go, squishy!
[The tadpoles swim away.]
Leela: There goes my DNA. What a disgusting and beautiful process.
Fry: That's birth for you.
Kif: Well, we've given them a great start, Amy. And in 20 years they'll sprout legs and crawl back onto land as children.
Amy: I'll be ready then.
[They hug and watch their children swim around in the swamp. Two leap into the air and bump their heads.]