[Opening Credits. Caption: Scratch Here To Reveal Prize.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry looks out of the window through a pair of binoculars. Leela, Bender and Farnsworth sit at the table.]
Leela: Oh, put down the binoculars, Fry. The wall of that strip club isn't going to collapse twice in one day.
Fry: I know, and I've grown to accept that. Now I'm more interested in that new pizza parlour across the street. Kinda makes me pine for my days as a pizza delivery boy. "Here's you pizza," I'd say. "I didn't order any," they'd say. And then I'd be off to my next adventure.
Leela: That story stunk. Hand me the binoculars. [He hands them to her and she snaps it in half and looks through it like a telescope. Across the street an alien opens up Family Bros. Pizza.] I think the owner is from Cygnus 5.
Farnsworth: Cygnoids? On our block? Flying foo! They should go back where they came from.
Leela: Professor, please! Society's never gonna make any progress until we all learn to pretend to like each other. Now let's go over there and make these hideous strangers feel welcome.
[Scene: Family Bros. Pizza. The owners are a man and woman who look like giant fat insects with little antennae and thoraxes, but they have the same limbs as humans. They are speak with "Italian" accents. They stand in the middle of their restaurant awaiting customers.]
Cygnoid Woman: You sure about these chairs? Guidebook says human legs bend down at knee.
[She points at the chairs which have an extra part on the seat that bends up.]
Cygnoid Man: It's OK, Mama. Anyone complains, I bend legs up for free. [He sees Fry, Bender and Leela through the window.] Ooh! Customers! [Enter the trio.] Welcome to Earth pizza store. Here, sit. I bend knees for you.
[Bender sits down and the Cygnoid bends his legs up.]
Bender: Ooh! That's a-comfy!
[Fry and Leela sit down.]
Cygnoid Man: OK, now, what kind of pizza goes in you? [He points to a topping menu that offers silt, asbestos, flaming magnesium, stucco, scarab and guano.] Silt? Asbestos? We got guano -- very fresh!
Fry: Uh ... hmm ... do you have any food?
Cygnoid Man: Here, try a deep dish pizza. [He puts a pizza topped with slop on the table.] Contains four kind of things.
[The Cygnoid woman cuts the "pizza" and something blue oozes out. Fry and Leela reluctantly taste it and spit it out.]
Leela: I don't mean to offend, but this tastes like vomit.
Cygnoid Woman: (happy) Thank you.
Leela: No, actually, I did mean to offend a little. This is awful.
[The Cygnoids shout at each other in Cygnoid and then burst into tears.]
Fry: Hey, hey. What's wrong? Was it something Leela said?
Cygnoid Woman: (crying) We come to Earth to start new life. Raise fat spoiled Earth kids, hang many underwear from Earth clothesline, live Earthican dream.
[They cry more.]
Fry: Aw. Don't cry, foreign people. I used to work in a pizzeria and as soon as I stop hallucinating and blasting puke, I'm gonna teach you to sell pizza, Earth style!
Cygnoid Woman: Oh, thank you, magic biped!
[She kisses his feet.]
Cygnoid Man: You save us, a-sir. If we cannot make Earth pizza our dream will die. Just like rats we crushed to make the wine.
[Fry spits out the wine over Bender's face and Bender spits it back.]
Fry: For starters, only use quality ingredients. Case in point: No more live bees. [He holds up a jar of live bees.] Oregano works equally well. And when you put pizzas in the oven, don't get in with them.
[He opens the oven door and a Cygnoid inside immediately closes it.]
Cygnoid #2: Hey, ocupado!
Fry: Most important of all is the big screen TV. Human families need a TV when they're eating so they don't have to talk to each other. [He turns the TV on and there is a blernsball game on.] Ah, the Earthican pastime: Blernsball!
[The pitcher pitches and Bob Uecker commentates.]
Uecker: [on TV] Mulligan drives the ball. It's going, going and caught by the shortstop. Mets lose again. Man, I haven't seen play this bad since the days of Bob Uecker! This is Bob Uecker saying thanks for watching!
[The Cygnoids watch.]
Cygnoid Man: Mets? Shortstop? Pinching the hitter? I don't understand this "blernsball".
Fry: Well, if you're going to be Earthicans, we'll have to teach you. How about your pizzeria plays a game against Planet Express? Oh, but you'll need nine players.
Cygnoid Woman: No problem!
[She shouts in Cygnoid and seven Cygnoids climb out of the oven.]
Cygnoid #2: Play the ball!
[Scene: Central Park. People sit in the Cavern On The Green and a dog catches what looks like a frisbee. The "frisbee" opens and three little aliens shout at the dog. On the blernsball pitch, the teams get ready for their game. Farnsworth doesn't play and shouts from the seats.]
Farnsworth: (shouting) Go, team! Beat those no good Cygnoids! Show them they stink at a game they've never played before!
[Leela is the pitcher and the Cygnoid man goes up to bat.]
Cygnoid Man: Ah, this is why I love Earth! Beautiful star-brightened day, friendly blernsball game with chum pals! So pleasant for everybody.
[Leela throws the ball and beans him. He falls over.]
Scruffy: Hit by a pitch. Take your base.
Leela: (shouting) Sorry about that. I guess I needed a few more warm-up pitches.
[Another Cygnoid steps up.]
Bender: No batter! No batter! [Leela pitches and knocks the second Cygnoid over.] No batter anymore.
Scruffy: Take your base.
Leela: (shouting) I didn't mean to hit you. I have some trouble with depth perception.
Cygnoid #2: Yeah, me too now.
[A third Cygnoid goes to bat.]
Bender: Hey, batter, batter, batter! Hey, batter, batter, batter! Hey, batter, batter! [The ball hits the Cygnoid.] Duck!
Scruffy: Take your base.
[A crowd of people gather around and start watching the game. Another Cygnoid goes to bat.]
Cygnoid #3: Please, lady, I want to live. Can I use bat to protect head?
[Leela beans him.]
Bender: Apparently not.
[The crowd applauds.]
Man: Check out the one-eyed bean machine!
Cygnoid Man: Hooray! I make a score point!
[The Planet Express team gathers around Leela.]
Fry: Leela, you beaned a run-in. You'd better let me pitch.
Leela: But I've got a no-hitter going. [She sighs.] You're right. Here.
[She throws the ball at his face. The crowd cheers.]
Randy: Don't take her out, she's a firecracker!
[Leela walks away and bumps into Abner Doubledeal.]
Doubledeal: Excuse me, I'd like to talk to you.
Leela: Am I under arrest?
Bender: Wait! I know you. You're the sleazebag who owns the Ultimate Robot Fighting League.
Doubledeal: Not anymore. Now I'm the sleazebag who owns the New New York Mets.
Leela: The Mets? Those bums are worse than me.
Doubledeal: Close to it. But they don't draw a crowd like you. Which is why I wanna sign you to the team.
Leela: You mean I'd be the first woman ever to play Major League Blernsball?
Commissioner: Well, yeah, but basically you'd just be a publicity stunt. I figure a one-eyed lady skull-buster might bring out the freakshow crowd.
Leela: Wow! The first woman ever to play Major League Blernsball.
Commissioner: Again, yeah, but basically you'd just be--
[Leela jumps into the air, cheering.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Leela is kitted out in her Mets uniform and 7/8 is printed on the back. She turns around to the rest of the crew.]
Leela: Ta-da! The first woman ever to play Major League Blernsball. How do I look?
Hermes: Like a sexy Yogi Berra!
Farnsworth: Why is your number seven-eighth's?
Leela: All the whole numbers have been retired.
Fry: Wow! I must say, I'm impressed. You look just like a ball player. Can I pat you on the butt?
Leela: Fry, I'm a professional athlete! So go ahead.
Fry: Oh! Now I'm too nervous.
[Scene: Shea Stadium. The Mets play the Swedish Meatballs. The Mets are at 0 while the Swedish Meatballs are ahead at 15. Uecker's head is in the commentary box.]
Uecker: Well, folks, it's only the fifth inning but the Swedes have already turned this one into a "laffer". And that's with two F's. The crowd is pouring out of the stadium L.A.-style.
[The crowd leaves the bleachers. Leela sits on the bench in the Mets' dugout watching the game. Enter Doubledeal.]
Doubledeal: Skipper, we're losing the crowd. Put it our new novelty act: Leela.
[Leela gasps. The skipper kicks the ground.]
Skipper: Darn it! I already put in the circus clown.
[Behind them, the clown cartwheels across the pitch and honks a horn.]
Doubledeal: Yeah, but he bunted. Clowns are only funny when they swing away.
Announcer: [on loudspeaker] Your attention, please. Now pitching for the Mets: Turanga Leela. [Leela walks out onto the pitch but the crowd doesn't notice.] A one-eyed woman.
[The crowd turns around and a woman cheers Leela.]
Woman: Come on! Throw like a girl!
[The Planet Express crew cheer.]
Fry: (shouting) Go, Leela!
Bender: (shouting) Come on, girl!
Amy: (shouting) Too much eyeliner!
[Leela stands ready to throw the ball and a batter takes his position.]
Uecker: This is history in the making, folks. Bjornson steps up to the plate and Leela delivers.
[Leela beans Bjornson, knocking him over. The crowd gasps.]
[Bjornson gets up and staggers away.]
Uecker: Ooh! An inauspicious start for the career of the first woman blernsballer. [Another batter steps up and Leela beans him. The crowd gasps again.] An inauspicious continuation for the career of the first woman blernsballer.
[Leela kicks the ground in frustration. The crowd chuckles. A man dusts the batter off and the batter hands him some cash and leaves. Another batter steps up.]
Crowd: (chanting) Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean!
[Leela throws again, the ball curls around the back of the player and knocks him out from behind. The crowd cheers.]
Uecker: Ouch! It's a three-bean-ball salad. The Mets fans love it though, and who can blame them? They haven't had much to cheer about this year--
[The ball flies up to the box and smashes Uecker's jar. The crowd cheers.]
[Scene: Mets Locker Room. The male players wander around with black bars covering their genitals. Leela sits on a bench but Doubledeal doesn't notice her sadness.]
Doubledeal: Kid, that was great! You got us more publicity than a cowboy in a shark tank. Poor Tex, he was quite a shark.
[Bender walks in dressed in a grooby suit, shades and a headset phone. He trips over the wire from the black bar generator and pulls the plug from the socket. The black bars go down and the players cover themselves.]
Man #1: Hey!
Man #2: Hey!
Man #3: Come on!
[Another man looks around and throws his hands in the air.]
Man #4: I win!
Bender: Oop! Sorry.
[He plugs it back in and the black bars reappear.]
Leela: Bender, how did you get in here?
Bender: [taking off his shades] As your agent, I have access to you at all times.
Leela: Since when are you my agent?
[Bender's phone rings.]
Bender: Quiet, call coming in. [He clicks his headset.] Yes? A big endorsement deal for Leela? How much? Hey! You put a one and two zeroes in front of that or we pass! Deal!
[He hangs up.]
Leela: Bender, that's great! How much did you get me?
Bender: (impressed) One hundred dollars.
[Scene: Ancestor & Sons Ad Agency. Leela stands in front of a backdrop, holding a tin of beans and reads from an autocue.]
Leela: (reading) As a pitcher, I serve up plenty of bean balls. So I know good beans when I see them. Bean-Bay Beans: They're the beaniest!
[She smiles weakly.]
Director #1: Cut!
[Scene: Shea Stadium. The Mets play the Pituitary Giants with the score 17-2 to the Giants. Fans have set up "Leela's Bean Counter" in the bleachers. A woman hangs a fourth picture of a bean over the railings.]
Uecker: In very short order, Leela has become a fan favourite.
[Leela beans another batter and some paramedics drag him into an ambulance. The ambulance moves around the pitch to first base, following three other ambulances.]
[Scene: Mets Locker Room. Leela dresses. Enter Bender.]
Bender: You're the best, babe! [His phone rings.] Hang on. Call comin' in. [He picks up.] What's that? Hey! You put a one and two zeroes in front of that or we pass! Deal!
[He hangs up.]
Leela: So what did you get me?
Bender: (impressed) A thousand and one pesos!
[Scene: Ancestor & Sons Ad Agency. Leela shoots another bean advert but this time in Spanish.]
Leela: Yo soy muy malo en lanzar, pero yo soy muy bueno en comer frijoles. Come los Bean Bay frijoles, los frijoles de los reyes.
Director #2: Cut! OK, now do one with bean suit on!
[A man holds up a huge bean suit with a face, wearing a Mets blernsball cap.]
[Scene: Outside Family Bros. Pizza. The Cygnoids have strung a banner over the doorway reading "Leela Autograph Session - Bring Money". A line of people has formed outside.]
[Cut to: Family Bros. Pizza. Leela, dressed in her Mets uniform, sits at a table at the far end of the restaurant signing books while the Cygnoids sell pizzas. Fry leans against the counter with a smile on his face.]
Cygnoid Man: Leela really bringing in the customers.
Cygnoid Woman: This keep up, we need to buy second sauce toilet.
[A little girl stands in front of Leela holding a magazine.]
Girl: When I grow up I want to injure men by throwing stuff at them just like you, Leela. Will you sign my magazine?
[She hands her a copy of Sports Illustrated with a picture of Leela on the cover and the caption "Leela's Beans: The Mets' Magical Fruit".]
Leela: Aw! Sure thing, sweetie. Who should I make it out to?
Girl: Well, uh ... to eBay?
Leela: That's a popular name today. Little "e" big "B"?
[The girl nods and smiles. Leela signs the magazine and the girl takes it and leaves. Another girl hands Leela a magazine. Bender chuckles and presses some buttons on a calculator.]
Bender: Five bucks an autograph, 200 fans. Add a one and two zeros in front of that and we got ourselves a wad!
Leela: I'm not doing this for the wad. I'm doing it for all the struggling female athletes who need a role model.
[The woman who cheered Leela from the crowd at her first blernsball game steps forward.]
Woman: Yeah! A role model for how to stink!
Leela: What? Who are you?
Woman: Jackie Anderson. I'm on the blernsball team at NNYU and I was hoping to get to play in the majors soon.
Leela: Oh, following in my footsteps?
Jackie: Pft. God forbid! Your little freakshow is making it impossible for real female ball players to be taken seriously. I hope you're proud of yourself.
[She leaves. Leela's lip wobbles and a tear trickles down her face. Bender turns to the crowd.]
Bender: Alright, show's over. No refunds. You heard the robot. Get out!
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Leela, still in her uniform, sits on the couch with the rest of the staff sitting and standing around her.]
Leela: I'm a fool. The fans haven't been cheering for me, they've been cheering at me.
Amy: Don't be upset, Leela. You, um ... you look really cute in your uniform.
Leela: (crying) That's what makes it so sad. I thought I was doing something heroic.
Bender: You are. What about that little girl you visited in the hospital? You know the one I mean? The one who died?
Leela: You're right. I can't let people down anymore. As God as my witness, I vow to earn the respect of girls and women everywhere. I will become the best blernsball player of all time.
[Hermes clears his throat. He is sat at the table looking at a computer.]
Hermes: That's statistically impossible. In 77 innings you haven't gotten a single out. At this rate, you're sure to go down as the worst blernsball player of all time.
Leela: Oh. Then I have a new vow. I solemnly swear that I will become not the worst blernsball player of all time.
[She thumps her glove, misses, and punches Farnsworth in the face. Bender peers over his shades.]
[Scene: Blernsball Hall of Fame. Enter Fry, Leela and Bender. They walk past exhibits such as the first ball hit into orbit, Mark McGwire's bicep and the 2927 Yankees' heads all crammed into one jar. Fry points at a display.]
Fry: Hey, look! The players who broke the various colour barriers.
[In the display case is a green alien, an orange alien, a purple alien and the racially superior alien from the Star Trek episode Let That Be Your Last Battlefield.]
Bender: When will Man learn that all races are equally inferior to robots?
[Cut to: Worst Player In History Exhibit. The trio walk into a small room. There is a hologram of a blernsball player sat on a chair surrounded by photos of his "triumphs".]
Leela: Ah, here we are. The worst player in history. If I can be just a little better than him I can slink away with my head held high.
[Bender reads something.]
Bender: It says he once struck out when his tongue got stuck to an unusually cold bat.
[Fry looks at a photo.]
Fry: And here he is trying to make a catch with an oven mitt.
Leela: It's even a crummy hologram.
[She knocks the hologram's head. It moves.]
Aaron Jr.: I'm not a hologram, though I am crummy. [He holds out his hand.] Hank Aaron XXIV.
[Leela shakes his hand.]
Fry: Hank Aaron XXIV? How could you play so blowfully? The original Hank Aaron was great!
Aaron Sr.: No, I was better than great. I was the home run king!
[He takes a photo of the head in a jar.]
Leela: So, Hank-- The bad Hank. Just how blowful were you?
Aaron Jr.: Well, I had a low batting average.
Aaron Sr.: Low? It was zero, you fungo! You went your whole career without getting a hit.
Fry: Leela could beat that. She's pitched her whole career without getting an out.
[Aaron Sr. laughs.]
Aaron Sr.: You stink, lady! Hey, Junior, she belongs in the exhibit instead of you.
Aaron Jr.: Forget it. This job's too cushy to give up. [He picks up Wade Boggs' head in a jar and drinks from it.] Ah, Wade Boggs! Goes down smooth!
Leela: Look, I don't wanna be in this exhibit. That's why I need your help. So I can be one tiny iota less pathetic than you.
Aaron Jr.: Oh, I can't help you play better than Tiny Iota. That guy was great. But I'll teach you everything I know.
[Scene: Central Park. Leela stands on a pitcher's mound holding a blernsball. Aaron Jr. holds a bat and Fry is the catcher.]
Aaron Jr.: OK, let's see what you can do.
Bender: One thing she can do is lodge a ball in the depth centre of your brain. You better get a batting helmet.
[Aaron takes Bender's head off and uses it as a helmet. He lifts Bender's teeth so he can see.]
Leela: (quietly) Alright. Low and away.
[She throws the ball and knocks Aaron down. Bender picks his head up and staggers around, disorientated.]
Aaron Jr.: OK, try it again. But this time keep your eye off the ball.
Leela: You mean "keep your eye on the ball"?
Aaron Jr.: Hey, lady, which one of us is in the hall of fame?
[He holds up the bat. Fry whispers to him.]
Fry: (whispering) Pst. You're holding the bat upside down.
Aaron Jr.: Just pitch the ball.
Leela: OK. Eye off the ball.
[She throws the ball without looking at it, Aaron swings, misses and Fry catches the ball.]
Aaron Jr.: You did it, Leela!
Leela: I didn't hit the batter! For once I was pitching and not just belly-itching!
Aaron Jr.: Oh, you got that too? I think there's a rash goin' around.
[He scratches his stomach.]
[Scene: Outside Fenway Park. On the wall outside is a sign saying "Home Of The Green Monster".]
[Cut to: Fenway Park. The Green Monster plays the blernsball tune.]
Uecker: Welcome to Fenway Park, home of the Boston Poindexters, where the Mets close out a season that'll rank among Mankind's most awful crimes.
[The Cygnoids sell pizza to blernsball fans at a stand. Fry sees and smiles.]
Fry: Hey! You opened a franchise!
Cygnoid Woman: Yes. Our biggest seller is Leela's Bean Pizza. Six kinds of beans, plus several things that look like beans.
[Joe Gilman eats a slice.]
Gilman: Beans, huh? Mmm. This is great! How to you make the crust so fizzy?
Cygnoid Man: Ah-ah-ah! Ancient Cygnoid secret!
Cygnoid Woman: My husband, some hotshot! Here's his ancient Cygnoid secret! [She holds up a jar.] Live hornets! We smush them right into dough!
Gilman: I don't care if there's horse manure in it!
Cygnoid Man: That's a-good!
Gilman: I wanna buy this franchise. How does $100,000 sound?
Cygnoid Man: Forget it! We come to Earth to make pizza, not money.
Cygnoid Woman: No, Blek! Other way around!
Cygnoid Man: Oh, right. Offer accepted!
[He takes the cheque and Fry, Amy, Hermes and the Cygnoid woman cheer.]
Uecker: Well, fans, Boston's turning the last game into a real "squeeeker"! And that's with three "e's"! Two men on and they're down to their last out.
[Leela sits in the dugout while the skipper watches the game.]
Leela: Come on, skipper. It's my last chance to prove I'm not the worst player ever. Please put me in.
Skipper: No. We're actually winning this game. You only go in as a joke when we're eight runs behind. Or when our other pitchers sneak out early to beat the traffic. [Leela turns away and sits down.] (shouting) Come on! Let's see some fundamentals out there! [The clown honks his horn.] And not clown fundamentals. [A Boston player hits the ball and it bounces over to the clown. Instead of throwing it to another player he throws a pie instead. The skipper kicks the ground.] Aw, darn, darn darn! Now the bases are loaded! Isn't there a man on this team who can get one more out?
Leela: I can.
Skipper: I repeat: Isn't there a man on this team on this--
Leela: I've been training with Hank Aaron.
[The skipper turns around.]
Skipper: You've been training with the Hank Aaron?
Leela: I've been training with a Hank Aaron.
Skipper: Alright then. Get in there and pitch like you've never pitched like you before!
[Leela runs onto the pitch. The Mets players' jaws drop and they hold their hands to their heads.]
Announcer: [on loudspeaker] Now pitching for the Mets: Turanga Leela.
[The crowd cheers.]
Crowd: (chanting) Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! [The bean counters open a banner.] Go, Leela!
Farnsworth: (shouting) Go, Leela!
Amy: (shouting) Come on, Leela!
Bender: (shouting) Put it right down the pike!
Fry: (shouting) Strike him out, Leela! Do it for the hundreds of women everywhere!
[ While the crowd continues chanting "bean", the Boston coach takes a batter out and replaces him.]
Announcer: [on loudspeaker] Your attention: Now pinch-hitting for the Poindexters: Jackie Anderson.
[The crowd gasps as Jackie steps up to bat.]
Uecker: Would you look at that! College blernsball's finest female hitter making her big league debut against pro-ball's worst female anything. I've never seen anything this bizarre, and I've seen Mr. Belvendere naked! Woo!
Leela: (quietly) Keep cool. She's just like any other player. She puts on her sports bra one arm at a time.
[She throws the ball and Jackie misses.]
Umpire: Strike one!
[The crowd gasps. Leela gasps.]
Leela: Strike one, a personal best!
[She throws again.]
Umpire: Strike two!
Uecker: [on loudspeaker] Remember, fans, this exciting moment is brought to you by Month Old Franks, the hotdogs with experience! Mmm-mmm! [Leela and Jackie wipe their brows. Hermes wipes his brow with a sponge, and squeezes it into a file marked "Ballpark Sweat". Leela throws the ball, Jackie swings and hits it. The elastic tightens and breaks. The crowd look up and gasp. While they aren't looking, Bender chuckles and steals some drinks from the people in front of him. Amy takes one too. The un-tethered ball flies through the air and into a target marked "Hit It Here And Win The Game". The target lights up, a bell rings, Jackie runs around the pitch, the giant rats run out and the Slurm blimp crashes.] A grand slam blern. The Mets lose! Their season is over! And no question, Leela, the first woman ever to reach the Majors, will go down as the single worst player in the history of blernsball! [Leela walks sadly to the bench. Jackie jumps around with joy and the Boston players lift her up.] And yet tonight we have witnessed the beginning of a great career for the first woman to play the sport well -- Jackie Anderson!
[Cut to: Tunnel. Leela walks away from the celebrations hanging her head in shame. Jackie pokes her head around the end of the tunnel.]
[Leela turns around.]
Leela: Jackie. I guess you were right. I'm a lousy role model. I'm sorry.
Jackie: No, don't be. It turns out you were an inspiration after all.
Leela: (crying) I was?
Jackie: Uh-huh. You were so awful that women everywhere set out to prove they don't stink as bad as you. You know, like a pig or something.
Leela: Oh, that's so kind of you. I guess I made a difference after all.
Jackie: You absolutely did, Leela. Now please, please retire. Immediately.
[She leaves. Leela looks at the towel around her neck.]
Leela: Hey, kid. Catch!
[Jackie turns around, Leela throws the towel and knocks Jackie over.]
[Scene: Blernsball Hall of Fame: Worst Player In History Exhibit. Aaron Jr. looks at a cardboard stand-up of Leela, standing where he used to sit. He sighs.]
Aaron Sr.: Well, at least you're still the worst football player of all time.
Aaron Jr.: Yeah. Yeah.
[He puts on his cap, turns out the lights and leaves.]
Patric M. Verrone
Special Appearances By
Hank Aaron as Himself and Hank Aaron XXIV
Bob Uecker as Himself