3acv08: That's Lobstertainment!
From The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Deciphered From Crop Circles.]
[Scene: Outside The Comedy Simulator. "Amateur Nite" is displayed in lights on the building and "Amateur Valet Parking Nite" is displayed on a billboard by the door. A man and a woman wait for the valet to bring their car round and he promptly crashes it into a lamppost, gets out and hands the man the keys.]
[Cut to: The Comedy Simulator. Fry, Leela and Bender watch a robot with a mechanical voice finish his act. Leela wears her black jacket.]
Humorbot 5.0: So I says, "Super collider? I just met her!" [The audience laughs.] And then they built the super collider. Thank you, you've been a great audience.
[The audience applauds and the robot leaves. Florp takes the mic.]
Florp: Humorbot 5.0, ladies and gentlemen. Our next stand-up's a veteran of four comedy traffic schools. Give it way up for Bobcat Zoidberg!
[The audience applauds and Zoidberg walks onto the stage.]
Fry: (cheering) Alright!
Leela: (cheering) Yeah!
Bender: (cheering) Alright, Zoidberg!
[The applause dies down.]
Zoidberg: Earth: What a planet. On Earth, you enjoy eating a tasty clam. On my planet, clams enjoy eating a tasty you. [There is silence.] Maybe I'm not yelling loud enough. (shouting) On Earth, everybody is always looking for a giant squid. On my planet--
[A tomato hits him in the face and he eats it. At their table, Bender stresses back a spoon back.]
[Leela puts another tomato on it and he fires. It misses Zoidberg and he carries on with his act.]
Zoidberg: So these three parasitic worms bore into a human's head--
[The audience murmurs.]
Woman #1: Ew, gross.
Zoidberg: And they walk up to the bar and then-- Uh-oh. [He sees a hook come on from the side of the stage.] Wait, stop! I've got more!
[Another hook comes on from the other side of the stage and hits him on the head. He falls down and the audience applauds. He groans.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The next morning, the staff sit around the table.]
Zoidberg: My whole life I worked on that act. And they hated it.
Hermes: You're a crazy, penniless, lobster doctor. No combination of you should be a comedian.
Zoidberg: But comedy is in my valves. My Uncle Harold was a big Hollywood star back in the era of silent holograms.
Leela: Your uncle was Harold Zoid?
Zoidberg: This I cannot deny.
Farnsworth: Why, I've been a Harold Zoid fan since back when my hips were made of bone. As it happens, I still have some of my original 78s.
[He picks up a big 78 million RPM Holodisk, blows the dust off it and puts the disc onto a gramophone-like machine. A black-and-white 3D picture appears in the middle of the table. The studio is Metropolitan Holoplays and the title is A Close Shaving (MMCMXXII). A Decapodian barber played by Harold Zoid sharpens his razor blades in his shop. A man walks in and says "Your finest trim, please". He takes his hat off and the barber uses his claws to cut the man's moustache completely off. The man is shocked and exclaims "You are a buffoon. Now cut my beard". The barber puts shaving foam over the man's chin and cuts his head off. The man's head bounces through the door. The barber waves the man's hat. "Sir, you forgot your hat!" The film ends with the caption "The End" and "Buy Moxie". The staff chuckle.]
Hermes: You're right, crabby. He's a hell of a lot funnier than you could ever be.
Zoidberg: Maybe so, but perhaps if I wrote him and asked for a few hundred pointers...
[Scene: Planet Express: Zoidberg's Office. Fry sits with Zoidberg as he plans his letter.]
Zoidberg: This letter has to be very personal, so I'm writing it in my own ink. [He puts a jar under his armpit and fills it with black ink. He dips a quill pen in and starts writing.] (thinking) Dear Uncle Zoid, greetings from your long-lost nephew. Norm and Sam and Sadie's boy, remember?
[Fade to: Outside Final Curtain Old Actors' Home. The building is a run-down heap on Hollywood and Vine.]
Zoidberg: (voice-over) Now I am the most important doctor at the delivery company where I work. But, sadly, my life is bereft of laughter.
[Cut to: Final Curtain Old Actors' Home Lounge. The inside of the building is as equally run-down as the outside. An old Decapodian sits in a chair reading Zoidberg's letter.]
Zoid: (reading) I beg of you, Mr. Funny Uncle, teach me the comedy business. Sincerely, Zoidberg. (talking) Oy, isn't that nice? He took the time.
[An old woman looks over his shoulder.]
Woman #2: What's that scribbledy-gook?
Zoid: This is a fan letter from my rich doctor nephew, who just might be my ticket out of this flophouse, he might. [The woman makes a weird noise and walks away.] Yeah, you'd better run. [He fills a jar of ink and writes.] Dear Rich Doctor Nephew, I can help you be funny. The first funny thing you must do is put all your money in the form of a cashier's check and come to Hollywood.
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Zoidberg reads the reply to Bender, Fry and Leela.]
Zoidberg: (reading) Sincerely, Harold Zoid. P.S. Cashier's check. (talking) Did you hear that? I'm going to Hollywood!
[Scene: The ship flies across the California desert, through the middle of the third Hollywood "O" and down to a multi-storey car park. Leela sets down in a compact-only space, shunting the cars either side out of the way.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Leela puts the huge steering lock on the wheel.]
[Scene: Hollywood Street. They board an open-top Star Tours bus, which, as the disclaimer states, does not leave Earth.]
Tour Guide: Welcome to Hollywood! I must warn you, there's no refund if you get discovered and leave the tour! [She laughs to herself.] I'm just kidding, that never happens. Now, to your right, you'll see 30th Century Fox Studios. [The building looks just like the logo for 20th Century Fox, updated slightly.] Fox uses those searchlights to blind pilots, then film the resulting plane crashes.
[The passengers get a demonstration as a plane crashes nearby in a huge fireball. Bender takes a photo of it.]
Tour Guide: Ahead, you'll see the home of Mel Gibson, star of the hit film, Bravehead. [Gibson's head in a jar peeps through the door of his tiny house.] And do we have any fans of Calculon, star of the robot soap opera All My Circuits?
Bender: Oh! I am! Me! [He raises his hand, takes his whole arm off and waves it around with the other hand.] Bender is!
Tour Guide: Then you'll wanna get a close look at his luxurious Bel-Air home.
Bender: Yes, I will.
[He jumps off the bus, lands on a car and runs through the hedge.]
[Cut to: Outside Calculon's House. Bender rings the doorbell and Calculon, wearing a personalised bathrobe, answers it.]
Calculon: Are you my new hot water heater?
Bender: No, I'm Bender. We met once, remember?
Calculon: Absolutely not.
Bender: Come on, don't you remember how much I was bugging you, don't you? 'Cause it was a lot, you remember, right?
[Calculon pushes him away.]
Calculon: Look, I'm programmed to be very busy. Unless you can heat water to 212 degrees, I'm not interested. [He closes the door and Bender immediately rings the bell. Calculon opens the door again.] Have you got an extra GOTO 10 line? I said I don't need a bender.
Bender: Bender? That was the other guy. My name's Boiler.
[Scene: Calculon's Bathroom. Calculon stands in the shower. Bender stands behind him spraying him with water.]
Calculon: Nice work, Boiler.
Bender: Thanks. And call me Bender.
[Scene: Hollywood Street. The tour bus passes Hugo Bott, Calvin Clone and a restaurant called Ebola.]
Zoidberg: That's where I'm meeting Uncle Zoid for lunch to discuss my Hollywood dreams. Next time you see me, don't be surprised if I've eaten.
[He runs off the bus and into the restaurant, wooping.]
[Cut to: Ebola. He stops wooping when he sees a smartly-dressed Zoid sitting at a table waiting for him.]
Zoidberg: Uncle Zoid, you're looking young enough to be thrown back!
Zoid: Rich nephew, come over here and give your uncle a nice, big meal. [They hug and sit down.] So, here we are: A still-famous film comedian.
Zoidberg: And a rich, respected doctor with many surviving patients.
Zoid: Eating real food in a restaurant, as we both often do. So, you want to be a comedian, is it?
Zoidberg: It's my lifelong dream.
Zoid: (shouting) Well that dream dies now. [He bangs his claw on the table.] You're unfunny and untalented. That's why you're perfect for drama.
Zoidberg: Hmm. Serious drama. Perhaps it is time to give up comedy.
[A waiter trips and drops a plate of spaghetti bolognese on Zoidberg. The other diners laugh.]
Zoid: I'm putting together a big drama picture right now, as we speak. The script is dynamite. I know because I wrote it myself. And with me directing and starring, I'll be back on top after 50 miserable years-- [Zoidberg gives him a curious look.] Uh, of fame.
Zoidberg: Ah, fame. Where do I come in?
Zoid: This fame film has a juicy part for you, if you completely finance it with your doctor money. So, are you in?
Zoidberg: Uh, OK. How much do I have to invest?
Zoid: Oh, not much, not much, (quietly and quickly) A million dollars. [Zoidberg spits water out off every valve in his head.] (normal) Then it's settled. Another blockbuster Hollywood deal.
Waiter: What can I get you gentlemen?
Zoidberg: Is bread free?
Zoidberg: We'll split an order.
[Scene: Ships Cockpit. The ship is still parked. Zoidberg, Fry and Leela are back. Zoidberg cries. Bender walks in with a cap, a personalised jacket, shades and a cigar.]
Bender: What's with Monstro?
Fry: He promised he'd give his Uncle Zoid a million bucks to make a movie.
Zoidberg: (crying) I've only been here a day and already I'm a Hollywood phoney.
Bender: (proud) Well, perhaps I could call on TV's Calculon to help, now that I'm in showbiz.
[He turns around and shows the others the All My Circuits logo on the back of his jacket.
Fry: Since when have you been in the biz?
Bender: Long enough, little man. Long enough.
[His hand shakes and bursts, spraying water over Fry.]
[Scene: Outside All My Circuits Soundstage. The four pass a sign saying "Taping In Progress. Please Announce Self With Bullhorn" as they go in.]
[Scene: Calculon's Dressing Room. They walk in as Calculon applies WD-40 to himself.]
Bender: Calculon, as your hot water heater ... [Calculon uses Bender as a hot water caddy and pours water into a mug with a tea bag in it.] ... I would be remiss if I didn't bring you scripts that could make you an international film star.
Calculon: Of course. Tell me about the project.
Zoidberg: It's a movie.
Calculon: Interesting. Tell me more.
Bender: Get this: For a scant $1 million investment, you can be the star.
Bender: And, uh, I guarantee it'll win you an Oscar.
Calculon: An Oscar, you say? That would get me out of this festering rat's nest called "television" once and for all. Let me see the script. [Zoidberg hands it to him and he speed-reads it.] No. No, I don't like the font. [He looks at the cover.] Wait! Harold Zoid? Was this written by the Harold Zoid?
Zoidberg: Written and Xeroxed.
Calculon: Good heavens! A chance to work with the legendary Harold Zoid. He's one of my great idols. And-And you say you can guarantee me the Oscar?
Bender: I can guarantee anything you want.
Calculon: Then I'll do it!
[Bender opens his chest cabinet.]
Bender: Here's your chequebook.
[Scene: The Magnificent Three Soundstage. Sets are built and backdrops are painted as Calculon introduces Zoid.]
Calculon: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you our director, the legendary Harold Zoid!
[The cast and crew applaud Zoid, who is dressed riding trousers and various other odd clothes.]
Zoid: Thank you. A more classic movie plot there isn't: A son who does not want to follow in his father's business. And that business is being President of Earth, no less. The son, as it happens, is Vice President.
Bender: (to Calculon) That plot makes perfect sense. Wink, wink.
Zoidberg: Bender, you said "wink, wink" out loud.
Bender: No, I didn't. Raise middle finger.
[Time Lapse. Calculon stands in front of a backdrop of the White House and Zoid tries to find a good angle.]
Zoid: Now remember, and I can't stress this enough, this is a talkie, so I want the full gamut of emotions from every actor in every scene.
[He walks onto the set with Calculon.]
Zoidberg: The Magnificent Three. Scene one, take one.
[He claps the clapperboard together, which has been painted on his claw.]
Zoid: And, action!
Calculon: Take back your gilded pen, Father. Signing bills into law was always your dream, not mine.
Zoid: Cut! Cut! Cut it! [He spits.] I said this is a talkie, damnit! You've got to emote more! And you extras, wave your arms and make faces. What is this, a morgue?
[Time Lapse. Zoid, Calculon and some extras stand on a set of the Oval Office.]
Zoidberg: The Magnificent Three. Scene 10, take 95.
Zoid: Action. And I mean circus-grade action.
[As Calculon over-acts his way through the scene, extras run around the set, waving their arms, making noises and impersonating apes.]
Calculon: (melodramatically) Sir, I call upon you not as a President but as a father.
[He cries on Zoid's shoulder. Zoid pushes him away.]
Zoid: Cut, cut, cut it! [He turns to Calculon.] Would you show a little emotion? [He turns to the extras.] People, people, please. Just because it's a dramatic scene, doesn't mean you can't do a little comedy in the background. [The extras nod.] Throw a pie or two, for God's sake.
[Time Lapse. The extras run around in front of the White House backdrop throwing pies and laughing.]
[Time Lapse. On a set of the White House roof, Calculon finishes a scene. There is a rain and wind machine nearby.]
Calculon: (screaming) Nooo!
[He cries. Zoid runs onto the set.]
Zoid: Cut, cut it! Eck! Look, look, it's alright, kid. We'll, uh, we'll get it in editing. Alright, that's a wrap, everybody. I'm gonna see you all at the premiere which, by the way, when is?
Zoidberg: Well, editing is a long and expensive process but we spent all the money on pies, so it'll be ready Friday.
[Scene: Loew's Gaddafi's Mann's Grauman's Chinese Theater. Bender takes a seat with the stars in the packed auditorium.]
Bender: Nice turnout, Calculon. That Oscar's practically on your mantel.
Calculon: I just pray they like me half as much as I do.
[The lights dim and the credits roll. The audience cheers when Zoid's name comes up on the screen. The first scene begins and a caption is typed across the screen: "The White House. Washington D.D." The caption corrects to "D.C." Calculon and Zoid have a scene together in the Oval Office.]
Calculon: [in movie] I agreed to be your Vice President but I never agreed to be your son. [He splashes water in Zoid's face and leaves. Zoidberg, wearing a white naval uniform, opens the door for him and salutes.] Thank you, Lieutenant Smith.
Zoidberg: [in movie] Good morning, Mr. Vice President!
[Scene: Outside Loew's Gaddafi's Grauman's Chinese Theater. Next door, Pauly Shore's Jury Duty II is still playing. The Planet Express ship flies back and forth over the building.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Fry peers through the window. He wears a light blue tuxedo.]
Fry: Leela, we're missing the premiere. [Leela wears a dress and hair sticks.] My only goal in life was to attend a Hollywood shindig. Just pay the valet the two bucks.
Leela: No! It's the principle of the thing. Besides, I think I see a parking lot up ahead.
[Scene: The ship lands on a black surface and starts to sink. Leela has landed on a tar pit. She and Fry scream.]
[Scene: Loew's Gaddafi's Mann's Grauman's Chinese Theater. In the film, Calculon and Zoid are on the roof of the White House in the rain. Zoid sits in a wheelchair.]
Calculon: [in movie] Father, I've asked you to join me on the White House roof so we could have a heart-to-heart talk. I will never follow in your footsteps. Here is my resignation as Vice President.
[Zoid cuts the paper up.]
Zoid: [in movie] No! My son will not shame me like this. I would sooner die, I would!
[He pushes his wheelchair away.]
Calculon: [in movie] Father! The ledge!
[Zoid's chair rolls off the ledge.]
Zoid: [in movie] Oy!
Calculon: [in movie] Oh!
[Zoidberg opens a hatch in the roof.]
Zoidberg: [in movie] The President is dead. Congratulations, Mr. President!
Calculon: [screaming; in movie] Nooo!
[The film ends with Bender credited as executive producer.]
Bender: (cheering) Woo-hoo! Yeah! He's a visionary!
[Calculon looks around. The room is empty.]
Calculon: Everyone walked out. They hated it. I've seen plagues that had better opening nights than this. You said that Oscar was practically on my mantel.
Bender: Now you know why I use the qualifier, "practically".
Calculon: You listen to me. I'm out a million bucks here! You get me that Oscar or you're dead! You and these snivelling lobsters! Dead. You hear me? Dead!
[Bender and Zoidberg huddle together. Calculon leaves.]
Zoid: Oy, now he emotes!
[Time Lapse. Zoid and Zoidberg pace around the room.]
Zoidberg: Let's just hope Calculon breaks our legs; they'll grow back.
Zoid: He's gonna kill us, you klutzel! Who told that under-acting stiff he was going to get an Oscar?
Bender: Me. It seemed like the least honest way to get him to pay for the movie.
Zoid: He paid? [He turns to Zoidberg.] I though you paid, with your big-shot doctor money.
Zoidberg: (crying) I lied.
Zoid: OK, enough with the blubbering, already. The way I directed the hell out of him, he may still very well get the nomination.
[Scene: Calculon's Lounge. Calculon reads Daily Variety. The headline reads "Osc Noms Announced" and "Also, Oscar Nominations Announced".]
Calculon: 400 categories and not a single nomination for me.
Zoidberg: But you won this Golden Globe!
Calculon: Piffle! That's the Emmy of movie awards! [He throws it towards Bender. He dodges it and it hits an All My Circuits: The Movie poster.] I told you I want an Oscar.
Bender: Then maybe you should act better.
Calculon: The Oscar isn't about acting. It's about earning the respect and admiration of the creative community.
Zoid: How 'bout we rig the awards?
Calculon: That's fine too.
[Scene: Ships Cockpit. The ship is still in the tar pit. Leela tries the engine.]
Leela: It's no use. The tar is too thick. Plus, I think I flooded it.
Fry: Well, we missed the premiere and we're gonna die. We might as well enjoy the sights. [He looks out of the window and a skeleton floats past.] Oh, my God! Sylvester Stallone!
[Scene: Final Curtain Old Actors' Home: Zoid's Room.]
Zoidberg: This is where you live? I though you were a big-shot Hollywood movie star.
Zoid: No, I'm not. I'm an even bigger liar than you. My career went down the tubes the day they invented smell-a-vision.
Bender: Calculon's gonna kill us for sure. It's all everybody else's fault.
Zoid: Oy. All I wanted was for people to think of me one last time before I die.
Zoidberg: What are you talking about, Uncle? Everybody remembers Harold Zoid!
Zoid: As a pathetic has-been, they remember me. As a forgotten relic, they remember me. Bah! It's better to die now.
Zoidberg: No. This is one death Dr. Zoidberg won't be responsible for. Zoidberg away!
[He leaves with an ineffective walk.]
[Scene: Outside Academy Awards. Florp arrives in a limo and photographers line the red carpet to take pictures of the stars. Joan Rivers' head presents the TV coverage.]
Rivers: Hi, I'm Joan Rivers' head. I tell you, I've had so many face-lifts, they finally lifted it right off my body! It's true, it's true! Oh, oh, oh! Here comes Jack Nicholson's DNA reconstituted in a gorilla body.
[The gorilla walks up the carpet. Around the back, Bender, wearing a chef's hat, pushes a trolley towards a door. A doorman stops him.]
[The doorman lifts the lid off the plate. Zoidberg is underneath with a pineapple in his mouth. The doorman gags and lets Bender inside. Joan Rivers introduces more stars on the red carpet.]
Rivers: Oh, and here's washed-up actor, whatshisname, Harold Zoid. Are you presenting one of those tacky honorary awards, or just getting one?
Zoid: I'm a seat-filler, Joan's head. My only marketable skill is to occupy space.
[Scene: Academy Awards. Zoid sits between Calculon and Boxy.]
Calculon: You know, the second I don't win that award, you're cat food. Right, Boxy?
[Boxy beeps and points a laser at Zoid. Some music plays and the audience applauds.]
Announcer: And now, the host of the 1074th Academy Awards, Billy Crystal.
[The curtain lifts. Crystal's head is atop a giant Oscar statuette.]
Crystal: Now I know how a Pez dispenser feels. [The audience laughs. Jack Nicholson bangs his chest.] Oh, you like that one, Jack? [He impersonates a gorilla. The Oscar statue picks up Crystal's jar and puts it on a podium.] Alright, we're already one hour behind. [Nicholson grunts.] Our first award tonight: Best Cinematography in a Non-Visible Spectrum.
[Scene: Ships Cockpit.]
Fry: It's been two weeks. You wanna play tic-tac-toe again before we eat our shoes?
Leela: Oh, I always knew I'd die at the bottom of a pit. But a pit full of tar?
[The ship bangs and tilts.]
Fry: What was that? A tar dolphin or a tar shark?
[Leela looks at a scanner.]
Leela: It's some kind of hollow tube, devoid of human life. [She gasps.] The Los Angeles subway! We can blast our way in and escape!
Fry: Alright, but I still feel like having a shoe.
[He starts to eat it and Leela tries the engine.]
[Scene: Academy Awards. Backstage, Bender peeps through a curtain.]
Zoidberg: What category are they on?
Bender: They're giving out the minor technical awards. I think they're up to writing.
Zoidberg: That just leaves Best Soft-Drink Product Placement and then Best Actor. We don't have much time.
[On the stage, the next category is presented.]
Crystal: And the nominees for Best Soft-Drink Product Placement are:
Slurm Machine: Star Trek: The Pepsi Generation, They Call Me Mr. Pibb and Snow White and the 7 Ups.
[Backstage, Bender swaps the microphones over.]
Bender: And now to present the award for Best Actor ... [Zoidberg walks onto the stage.] ... a bit player in the flop movie The Magnificent Three ... [The audience murmur.] ... Dr. Zoidberg.
[The audience applauds. Zoidberg throws Crystal's head out of his jar and the audience cheers louder.]
Calculon: (quietly) OK, Boxy, keep your prong on the trigger.
Zoidberg: And the nominees for Best Actor are: Sir Lawrence-- [He makes a weird noise.] ... in The Merchant of Venus, Hive Mind Gamma 7X in Bikini Party Summer, the Soda Machine Robot in Bikini Party Summer, Mark Jones in How Beige Was My Jacket and, instead of the fifth guy, Calculon, for his powerhouse performance in The Magnificent Three.
[The audience murmurs. Backstage are two men with ballot boxes.]
Man #1: Uh-oh, he read the wrong name.
Man #2: (whispering) Shh, just play along, like they did for Marisa Tomei.
Zoid: Hooray, I won't be murdered. I'll live another day. Another day of ... pathetic, forgotten misery.
[Zoidberg sees his sad uncle and opens the envelope.]
Zoidberg: And the winner is... [Calculon starts to stand up.] And the winner, instead of any of the nominees, is the legendary Harold Zoid!
[Zoid runs onto the stage and the audience clap in confusion. Zoid hugs Zoidberg.]
Zoid: Thank you. Thank you so much! You know, through all my ups and downs, I always thought the most important thing in life was to win an Oscar. But tonight I realise what's really important is to win two Oscars. Ha! Ha! I'm kidding, I'm kidding. What really matters in life is that people care about you, whether it's a whole crowd ... [The audience is unenthusiastic.] ... or just one die-hard fan.
[He looks at Zoidberg. The audience claps and Jack Nicholson swings from a chandelier.
[Scene: Ebola. Bender, Zoid and Zoidberg attend the Oscars party.]
Zoid: Thank you, nephew. [He kisses him.] Now I can die happy. 10 seconds from now, when Calculon kills us.
[Calculon and Boxy walk in.]
Calculon: Harold Zoid!
Bender: Hit the deck!
[He and Zoidberg cower under the table.]
Calculon: Where's that Oscar?
Zoid: Here, enjoy. What are you getting upset? It's slightly less fraudulent for you to have it.
[He hands it to Calculon.]
Calculon: Yes. Yes, it's a real beauty. Someday I hope to win one of my own.
[He puts it back on the table.]
Bender: Then you're not going to kill us, Your Majesty?
Calculon: Nay. I respect and admire Harold Zoid too much to beat him to death with his own Oscar.
[The crowd claps and the room shakes.]
Bender: Hit the deck!
Zoid: Let the earth quake, I've got somebody's Oscar!
[Scene: Hollywood Street. The tar-covered Planet Express ship bursts out of an L.A. subway terminal and glides to a stop outside Ebola. Leela and Fry walk down the steps.]
Fry: We made it! I'm at a Hollywood party!
Doorman: I'm sorry, sir, this is a private-- Oh, pardon me, I see you're with Mr. Stallone.
[Stallone's skeleton is stuck to Fry's leg. The doorman lets him and Leela in.]
Patric M. Verrone
Special Appearance By
Hank Azaria as Harold Zoid