3acv01: Amazon Women in the Mood
From The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Secreted by the Comedy Bee.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff sit around the table for Hermes' morning meeting. Nibbler licks himself in the middle of the table.]
Hermes: People, we got a problem: Little Nibbler's been coughing up hairballs.
Leela: Well, so has Fry. What's the big deal?
[Nibbler coughs up a huge one. In amongst the green gloop is a white cane. Fry whistles with impression.]
Fry: He's got me beat!
Hermes: Now we all love Nibbler, so it's only fair that we all pitch in and clean it up together. Still, I propose we make Zoidberg do it. All in favour?
[Everyone except Zoidberg raises their hand.]
Bender: Alright, yup.
Hermes: All opposed? [No one raises their hand.] All abstaining?
[Again no one votes. Leela taps Zoidberg on the shoulder.]
Leela: Dr. Zoidberg? Are you OK?
[He keels over and rests on Fry's shoulder. Fry looks at him.]
Fry: He's dead.
Amy: Oh, no!
Farnsworth: He always seemed so full of life; laughing, singing, begging for scraps. And now this.
[He takes off his glasses and cries. The door opens and Zoidberg walks in wearing a towel. But his body is white-pink and is wobbling around like lobster jelly.]
Zoidberg: Why with all the crying? [He looks across the room.] So that's where I left my shell.
[He wobbles over to the table. Leela picks up the shell.]
Leela: I didn't know you could take this thing off.
Zoidberg: It was starting to get a little cramped in there so I molted, why not? Ah, the fresh air feels good!
[He wobbles around.]
Farnsworth: Stop doing that!
[Zoidberg tucks his shell under his arm.]
Zoidberg: So long. I'm off to toss this old shell in the dumpster and maybe pick up those potato chips Amy didn't finish yesterday.
Amy: Those were toenail clippings.
Zoidberg: A feast is a feast.
[He turns around and leaves. His shell has a large hole down the back of it. As he walks out his towel falls off. The sound of a phone ringing comes from the lounge.]
Amy: Hey, that's my cellphone!
[She runs off.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Amy runs in and picks her tiny cellphone up off the huge CellMate. She answers.]
Amy: Hello? [The sound of heavy breathing and gasping comes from the other end.] Hello? Who is this? [The breathing and gasping continues.] Hello? Hello?
[The caller hangs up and she curses. Leela walks in.]
Leela: What's wrong? Did you swallow your phone again?
[She sits down.]
Amy: Some guy's been calling and hanging up 10 times a day for a year.
Leela: Men who call too much are the worst ... I bet.
Amy: I just wish a decent guy would call me instead of this spleeze-ball who has me too terrified to even answer the phone. [The phone rings again and she picks it up without hesitation.] Hello?
[The same heavy breathing comes from the other end.]
[Scene: Kif's Quarters. On the Nimbus, Kif sits on his bed holding the phone and trembling. He tries to say something but just gasps and stutters.]
Amy: [on phone] Hello? Is anyone there?
[Kif hangs up.]
Kif: I love you. [He sighs and looks at his wall. It is covered with pictures of Amy and a newspaper clipping of the Titanic disaster. Underneath the headline "Titanic Survivors" is a photo of him carrying Amy towards the escape pod. He picks up the phone again and tries to dial but puts the receiver down and huddles over himself on his bed.] Why must I be such a coward?
[He cries. Enter Zapp.]
Zapp: Kif, I'm headed to the men's room and I'll be needing an attendant, so-- Oh, I'm sorry. You're crying like a woman. [Kif stops crying.] It's alright. I've always thought myself as a father figure to some of my more pathetic men. Kif, old friend, let's rap.
[He sits on Kif's bed. Kif sighs.]
Kif: Well, I'm in love with this girl--
[Zapp bursts out laughing and pats Kif on the back.]
Zapp: (laughing) Oh, that's rich! (talking) Go on.
Kif: I met her a year ago...
[Flashback. The Titanic escape pod flies away from the doomed ship.]
Kif: (voice-over) ...when we were escaping from that cruise ship you piloted directly into a black hole.
[Amy and Kif watch from the escape pod as the Titanic is sucked into the black hole.]
Zapp: (voice-over; proud) Yes! It was in all the papers.
[Back on Earth the escape pod has landed outside the Planet Express building. Bender dumps the Countess de la Roca's fake bracelet in a bin and walks into the building with the other staff. Amy kisses Kif and gives him her number.]
Amy: Call me.
[Kif takes the paper and she goes inside. He trembles and gasps and breathes heavily some more.]
[Flashback ends. Zapp goes along with the story.]
Zapp: Uh-huh, uh-huh. Mm-hmm, uh-huh.
Kif: I've finished talking, sir.
[Zapp sees something on Kif's wall.]
Zapp: Belay that remark! [He looks at the newspaper clipping.] Your Amy knows my Leela? I have formed an idea!
[Scene: Nimbus Bridge. Leela is on the viewscreen, Zapp is in his chair and Kif hides behind it. Amy walks in behind Leela.]
Zapp: I'm calling to negotiate a double date. You and me, Kif and Amy.
Leela: [on screen] Forget it.
[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. She turns away from the screen.]
Zapp: [on screen] Then let the negotiations begin. I propose we go out on 10 dates.
Leela: How about zero?
Zapp: [on screen] Nine.
[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room.]
Zapp: [on screen] Eight?
[Amy leans down at Leela's side.]
Amy: (whispering) Please, Leela? Kif's like the sweetest guy who's ever liked me.
Zapp: [on screen] Five, and that's my final offer ... four.
Zapp: [on screen] Two.
Leela: One half.
[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.]
Zapp: I'll take it.
[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room.]
Zapp: [on screen] We'll meet you tonight for part of dinner and the first half of a movie.
[He hangs up and Amy grins.]
[Scene: Le Palm D'Orbit Coat Check. Le Palm D'Orbit is a restaurant orbiting a big, green planet. The main part of the restaurant looks like the Encounter Restaurant at Los Angeles airport. A centipede-like alien leaves his coat at the coat check which charges a 25 cent surcharge for every sleeve over nine. Zapp walks in wearing his formal off-white DOOP uniform. Kif wears a tie and jacket over his regular velour uniform and carries some flowers and a box of chocolates.]
Kif: Um, sir? I don't go out on many dates and, um, what if I can't think of anything to say?
Zapp: Here's my personal book of pickup lines. [He hands Kif a small black book.] Say as many of them as you can as fast as you can. Don't stop for any reason.
Kif: Maybe I'll just give her these flowers.
[Zapp takes them and hits Kif with them.]
Zapp: Wrong, wrong, wrong! And what's that? Candy? Candy's for dorks! Give me that. [He takes the box and walks away, eating the candy.] Mmm!
[Scene: Le Palm D'Orbit. The restaurant pilot is also the maitre d'. He takes his hands off the wheel to hand some people a menu. Amy and Leela are already at the table. Amy wears a light blue dress and Leela wears her black jacket. Zapp and Kif arrive.]
Zapp: Hello, beautiful. I got these for you.
[He hands her Kif's flowers and sits down.]
[She sets fire to them and puts them in Zapp's glass of water.]
Zapp: Well, well. This looks to be one disturbingly erotic date.
Zapp: Waiter, bring us a bottle of wine.
Zapp: And some oysters on the half-shell.
Kif: Oh, and I'd like--
[Zapp puts his hand over Kif's mouth.]
Zapp: Kif's not hungry. (quietly) Kif, this place is expensive. (talking) I'd like two steaks and the ladies will have some very sensual salads -- with low-cal sensual dressing.
[Amy smiles at Kif and he giggles.]
[Time Lapse. It's Karaoke Night at the restaurant and Morbo sings Lipps Inc's Funkytown.]
Morbo: (singing) Oh, won't you take me to funkytown,
Oh, won't you take me to funkytown.
[The song ends and the audience applauds.]
(talking) Thank you.
[At the table the meals have arrived.]
Amy: Kif, you're so quiet. You haven't said a word all night.
Kif: Well, um, um ... hello.
Amy: 'Cause I was really hoping we could talk and stuff.
[Kif stutters and gasps then drinks a glass of wine and takes out Zapp's book. Zapp smirks and picks his teeth with a toothpick.]
Kif: Amy, (reading) if I said you had a beautiful body would you take your pants off and dance around a little?
Leela: Lieutenant Kroker!
[Zapp winks at Kif and gives a thumbs up. Kif gasps and reads some more.]
Kif: (reading) I find the most erotic part of the woman is the boobies
Kif: Oh, my!
[Leela stands up.]
Leela: This half-date is entirely over. Amy? Conference!
[They walk away and Kif groans.]
Kif: Is there nothing we can do, sir?
Zapp: There's only one sure-fire way back into a woman's heart and parts beyond. I speak, of course, of karaoke.
Kif: (determined) My years in the DOOP Boys' Chorus will not have been in vain!
[Cut to: Le Palm D'Orbit Women's Room. Leela and Amy apply lipstick with a handy device that doesn't touch their lips.]
Leela: Alright, enough lipstick. Let's storm out.
[Cut to: Le Palm D'Orbit. They walk out of the women's room and notice Kif starting to sing Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse Of The Heart.]
Kif: (singing) Once upon a time I was falling in love,
But now I'm only falling apart...
Amy: Oh, that's so emotional!
Kif: (singing) There's nothing I can do,
A total eclipse of the heart--
[Zapp walks onto the stage and pushes Kif aside. Kif drops the mic and Zapp catches it and spins it around.]
Zapp: Amateur hour's over. [He sits down.] Let me show you why they call me "The Velour Fog"! Hit it!
[The jukebox changes to some different music. Zapp smokes a cigarette and starts singing The Kinks' Lola.]
(spoken-word) I met her in a club down in old Soho,
Where you drink champagne and it tastes just like Coca-Cola,
C-O-L-A ... Cola.
Man: Aw, give us a break!
Woman: Get off!
Chef: He sickens me!
Zapp: (spoken-word) She walked up to me and she asked me to dance,
I asked her her name and in a dark brown voice she said,
[People get out of their seats and run around screaming.]
[His long note breaks glass and a man presses a button for the emergency escape pods. People spill into them.]
[Cut to: Outside Le Palm D'Orbit. The escape pods eject and fly off into space.]
[Cut to: Le Palm D'Orbit. Zapp finishes singing. The restaurant is deserted.]
Leela: We're going home. Call us a space taxi.
Zapp: No need. There's not a restaurant built I can't fly. Where to, ladies?
Kif: Please, sir. Let's just divide up the check and--
[Zapp presses buttons on the steering controls.]
Zapp: Let's see what this eatery can do.
[Cut to: Outside Le Palm D'Orbit. The headlights and indicators flash, the windscreen wipers swish back and forth and windows open and close. The restaurant blasts forwards and knocks a few ships away from the car park.]
[Cut to: Le Palm D'Orbit.]
Zapp: Ah, she's built like a steakhouse, but she handles like a bistro. [The restaurant shakes.] She's out of control!
[Cut to: Outside Le Palm D'Orbit.]
Zapp: (from inside) You win again, gravity!
[Everyone screams as the restaurant tumbles towards the green planet.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. The next day, Fry, Bender and Hermes sit watching TV. Zoidberg walks in still without a shell and carrying a purple J. Crab catalogue.]
Zoidberg: Look what arrived: My new shell catalogue. So let's try some on, already! [He puts the catalogue on the coffee table and it opens up like a laptop. It emits a holographic stereotypical Mexican shell onto his body.] Ah! Muy macho! Hey, gringos, here comes El Zoido to ruin your drinking water!
[He points his claws at them like guns and imitates gunfire.]
Bender: Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm Mexican and I find that offensive.
[He opens his chest cabinet. "Hecho En Mexico" is etched on the inside of his door. He closes it and it falls off.]
Zoidberg: You Latins are so hot-blooded! [He changes the shell and the new one looks like the outfit worn by the cop from The Village People.] This one's like a summer guy!
[He turns around revealing his lobster ass.]
Hermes: Look, you fat fish, the Planet Express health plan only covers one kind of replacement shell.
[He changes the shell to a simple white shell with a barcode and "Shell" printed on it. Zoidberg groans and Hermes closes the catalogue. Zoidberg wobbles out towards the meeting room.]
Fry: I can't believe Leela and Amy aren't back yet from their half-date. I'm gonna call the restaurant.
[He picks up the phone and dials Le Palm D'Orbit. The dial tone changes to the "unavailable" beeps.]
Operator: [on phone] The number you have dialled has crashed into a planet. Please make a note of it.
[Fry and Bender gasp. Fry gets up.]
Fry: We gotta go rescue them!
Bender: Eh, I don't know.
Fry: Bender! Think of the señoritas!
[Bender leaps up.]
[Scene: Planet Surface. Kif, Amy, Zapp and Leela sit amid the burning wreckage of Le Palm D'Orbit.]
Kif: So, Amy, um, well--
Amy: It's always a line with you!
Leela: What planet is this anyway?
Zapp: (mumbling) I 'unno. (talking) This whole sector is uncharted.
Kif: It is not uncharted, you lost the chart!
Zapp: Well, nothing to do now but repopulate the human race. [He turns to Leela.] Just me and you! [He leans over to Amy.] (whispering) And maybe you.
[Crashing sounds come from the woods around them and the ground starts to shake.]
Amy: What is it?
[She looks at the water in her cup which ripples like the glass of water in Jurassic Park. Leela watches a puddle ripple and it gives the impression that she has two eyes. Zapp's gut jiggles. They all tremble and hide behind a piece of wreckage. Growling comes from the woods and a huge foot stomps on the group's campfire. The foot belongs to a huge woman -- an Amazonian. Her name is Kug and she has a blue hairdo and wears very little. Two others are with her: Ornik, with dreads, and Thog, a blonde.]
Kug: Me hear people, but me not see people.
Thog: No big deal. Everybody make mistake.
[They turn to leave. Leela gestures for Amy and Kif to keep quiet. Zapp peers over the top of the wreckage with a big grin on his face. He turns on the charm.]
Zapp: Well, hello! I usually don't say this but you are the most beautiful trio of gigantic ladies I've ever laid eyes on. [The Amazonians growl. Zapp picks up his book.] (reading) I find the most erotic part of a woman is the boo--
[Kug grabs him by the head and drags him away. Ornik drags Kif by his feet and Tonk carries Amy and Leela over her shoulders.]
[Scene: The Planet Express ship flies erratically towards Amazonia.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Bender runs around panicking while Fry steers wildly and presses random buttons. Alarms wail.]
[Cut to: Amazonia Surface. The ship flies towards the smoking wreckage of Le Palm D'Orbit and smacks down onto the ground, the landing gear lowering just a little too late. Fry and Bender run down the steps and see the wreckage.]
Fry: Oh, no! Any sign of Leela or Amy?
Bender: No. But what do you make of this?
[He picks up a giant hairclip.]
Fry: I don't know. But it might have something to do with this.
[He holds up a huge can of Tab.]
[Time Lapse. Bender peers through some huge grass blades and gasps.]
Bender: Oh, your God!
[Fry looks through the grass. In front of them several Amazonians have gathered. Kug, Thog and Ornik lead Amy, Leela, Zapp and Kif into a ring at the front of the crowd. Around them is an Amazonian city, with buildings made of wood and straw.]
Kug: Move! Go!
Fry: Alright, here's the plan--
Bender: What kind of moronic plan is that? [They look up. The grass they were hidden in is part of a grass skirt that an Amazonian is wearing.] Wow!
[The Amazonian hits them with her club.]
[Time Lapse. Fry and Bender are in chains with Zapp and Kif. Leela and Amy are freed.]
Thog: Women go free. Men stay in chains.
Ornik: We take them to our leader. She know what do.
Fry: Pft. A female leader?
Leela: Fry, shut up.
Fry: [saluting] Yes, Captain!
[Scene: Amazonian City. The Amazonians lead Leela, Amy and the prisoners past the buildings.]
Thog: This capital city planet Amazonia.
Leela: Where are all the men in your society?
Ornik: Men die out many year ago.
Bender: With all these women around they were probably nagged to death. Are you with me, fellas?
[He, Zapp and Fry laugh. The women glare at them and they suddenly stop laughing.]
[Scene: Outside Basketball Pitch. The group watch a woman bounce a basketball.]
Thog: Here stadium, where our women basketball teams play.
Kug: We no can dunk, but good fundamentals.
Ornik: That more fun to watch.
[Zapp, Fry and Bender laugh.]
Zapp: (laughing) Oh, God, you're killing me! [He is beaten around the head.] Ow! God, you're killing me!
[Scene: Outside The Drollery Domicile.]
Thog: This our comedy club. Humour here funny in different way.
Ornik: It not reinforce stereotypes.
Kug: Comedy come from character, real situations. Not abstract craziness.
Bender: Translation: Boring! [He, Zapp and Fry burst into laughter.] (laughing) That's a good one! [He literally gets his head bashed in.] Ow!
Amy: This women-only planet is sounding better and better.
Leela: I'm already looking for apartments.
[She looks through a free "Westside Cave Rentals" brochure.]
[Scene: Outside Femputer Temple. The stone temple has a woman's face carved into it and smoking boobies.]
Thog: Here live vengeful, all-knowing leader. She decide men's fate.
Fry: Is she hot?
Thog: That not important. She all-knowing.
Fry: In other words, "No". [Thog kicks him in the face and he falls over.] Ow!
[Scene: Femputer Temple. Leela, Amy and the Amazonians and their prisoners walk into the dimly-lit building. Amazonians stand around the room. Three Amazonians bow before a wall and the wall turns around revealing a huge piece of technology with dials and flickering lights.]
Thog: (chanting) All hail Femputer.
Kug and Ornik: (chanting) All hail Femputer.
Amy: You all obey a big computer?
Kug: Yes. It appear mysteriously just about time men die out.
Leela: So why did you make it your leader?
Ornik: It seemed like different kind of politician.
Kug: Not beltway insider.
[Thog holds something up to the Femputer.]
Thog: Femputer, we bring offering of bath beads and scented soaps.
Femputer: Your gift pleases Femputer. Femputer demands to know why there are men on her planet.
Fry: It was an accident, ma'am.
Femputer: That does not fempute. Femputer will return after deciding your punishment.
[She spins around out of sight.]
[Time Lapse. Kif, Zapp, Fry and Bender are shackled to the wall.]
Fry: Leela, I'm through making fun of women. Now I want them to help me.
Amy: Should we do something?
[Ornik chokes Fry with a strap.]
Leela: There's no hurry.
[Kug tightens the strap around Zapp's neck.]
Zapp: Yes! A little tighter. [She pulls it tighter.] Tighter. Perhaps a hard spanking is in order? [She punches him in the ass and he groans.] Too hard!
[She turns to Amy and Leela.]
Kug: Men strange. You have them on your planet?
Leela: (ashamed) I'm afraid so.
Kug: What they for? [Amy whispers something in her ear.] Oh, you mean "snu-snu".
[The other Amazonians murmur.]
Thog: We hear tell men used for snu-snu. But all we have go on are ancient legend and subscription to Cosmo.
Zapp: Just FYI, I could be used for snu-snu.
Thog: Silence. You want die like last men visit Amazonia?
Fry: What'd they die of?
Kug: Crushed pelvises.
[In the corner some happy little skeletons lie against the wall with broken pelvises, one still holding a cigarette.]
Zapp: Oh, thank you, Lord in heaven!
[The Femputer returns.]
Femputer: After lengthy femputations, I, Femputer, have decided the fate of the men. Femputer sentences them to death. [The prisoners, Amy and Leela gasp.] By snu-snu!
Fry: (cheering) Yay!
Zapp: (cheering) Yeah! [Kif whimpers and Zapp turns around to him.] (talking) What are you, gay?
Femputer: Death to the men. Death by snu-snu.
[The prisoners whimper.]
Fry: Although the snu-snu part's gonna be pretty good.
Zapp: Baby, it'll blow your mind.
Leela: Femputer, be reasonable. Sure men are annoying and they wreck up whatever planet they're in charge of, but most of these men are sorta my friends. They don't deserve to die.
Femputer: Hmm. Perhaps men are not as evil as Femputer thinks.
Thog: But they make fun women's basketball.
Femputer: What? Did you explain how the women's good fundamentals make up for their inability to dunk?
Ornik: Yes. They still laugh.
Femputer: The men must die.
Bender: Too true, Femputer. You're so wise. Kill 'em all, I say. Good riddance! Did I mention I'm not a man? I'm a manbot. It's an understandable mistake. You can let me down now, thanks.
Kug: He big jerk like man.
Bender: I sure am. But check the crotch. [He bangs it.] Nothing.
Femputer: Very well, release him. As for the others, take them to the snu-snu chambers.
[Kif's jaw drops in fear followed by Zapp's and Fry's. Zapp and Fry change to happy smiling, then back to fear, then happy, then fear...]
[Scene: Outside Snu-Snu Chambers. The Amazonians carry Fry, Kif and Zapp towards the snu-snu chambers under the moonlit sky.]
[Scene: Snu-Snu Chambers. Fry, Zapp and Kif stand in their underpants with their hands tied behind them and their feet bound. Several Amazonians have gathered to watch along with Amy, Leela and Bender.]
Bender: (crying) I'll miss you, meatbag.
Leela: Me too, meatbag.
Fry: Goodbye, friends. I never thought I would die like this. But I'd always really hoped.
[Femputer gives instructions over the Sonya loudspeaker.]
Femputer: [on loudspeaker] The Amazonians will be divided into three groups. The one called "Zapp" will be snu-snu'd by the large women. He that is designated "Fry" will be snu-snu'd by the petite women. And Kif, as the most attractive male, will be snu-snu'd by the most beautiful women of Amazonia. Then the large women. Then the petite women. Then the large women again. [Kif gasps.] Initiate snu-snu!
Amazonians: (chanting) Snu-snu, snu-snu, snu-snu!
[Thog unties Kif's hands.]
Kif: Amy, before I die, I have to tell you: I didn't mean to say those awful things on our date. They were all Zapp's idea.
Amy: Really? Honest and true?
Kif: Yes. And-And that person calling and hanging up was me. I was just too nervous to say hello because I love you.
Amy: Oh, Kif!
Thog: It Thog's first time. [She picks him up by his legs.] Be gentle!
[She flings him over her shoulder and walks into the snu-snu chamber. Ornik and Kug drag Fry and Zapp into two other chambers.]
Leela: We've got to do something. Bender, maybe you can interface with the Femputer and reprogram it to let them go.
Bender: Maybe you can interface with my ass. By biting it! [Amy grabs his arm and curses in Chinese.] Alright, I'll go!
[He walks off mocking Amy's curse. Ornik and Kug walk out of the chambers and two new women walk in. Fry and Zapp groan from inside then cheer.]
Fry: (from inside) Ooh! Yeah!
Zapp: (from inside) Oh, baby!
[They groan and scream again.]
[Scene: Outside Femputer Temple. Bender runs up one side and hides behind one of the stone boobies. Two guards sit on the steps.]
Guard #1: How Tonk look?
Guard #2: Tonk look good. Me fat.
Guard #1: No, you look good. Tonk fat.
[Bender mocks them with the yack-yack gesture. They walk down the steps and Bender sneaks inside.]
[Cut to: Femputer Temple. The Femputer is facing outwards.]
Femputer: Intruder! Stay away from the mighty Femputer! Guards!
Bender: Time to override the CPU and reprogram this Femputer.
[He takes out a pipe and hits the Femputer.]
Femputer: Hey, whoa, whoa! Stop it! Stop it! Hey, cut that out!
[A panel falls down revealing a hollow section of the Femputer with a bed, a curtain and lots of levers. Also a Fembot.]
Fembot: Cease hitting Femputer!
[She turns around and sees Bender and screams.]
Bender: You're no Femputer, you're a Fembot!
Fembot: (ashamed) It's true. I disguised myself as a Femputer so I could rule the Amazonians.
Bender: But why?
Fembot: Why? Why? I came here from a faraway planet. A planet ruled by a chauvinistic Manputer that was really a Manbot. Have you any idea how it feels to be a Fembot living in a Manbot's Manputer's world?
Fembot: And now, my meddling Manbot, there's the question of what to do with you!
[She narrows her eyes and moves towards him. He backs away, waving his arms and panicking.]
[Scene: Snu-Snu Chambers. The Amazonians are queued up waiting for their snu-snu. Fry and Zapp walk out, gasping.]
Zapp: (gasping) We need rest. The spirit is willing but the flesh is spongy and bruised.
Ornik: It time snu-snu!
Fry: Can't we just cuddle? [She scoops him up.] (screaming) Nooo!
[She carries him inside. Kug picks up Zapp. He groans and she takes him in.]
Leela: We can't wait for Bender. It's time for a woman's touch. [She kicks and punches the Amazonians.] Yah! Hi-yah! Yah, yah, yah!
[An Amazonian picks her up by her ponytail, throws her on the floor and sits on her. Amy walks past on stilts. She has put a bone through her hair and torn her dress.]
Amy: (disguised, deeper voice) Me next snu-snu. Out me way.
[She walks into a snu-snu chamber.]
[Cut to: Kif's Snu-Snu Chamber. Thog looks under a bed.]
Thog: Where go beautiful man? [Kif clings to ceiling and whimpers. Thog looks up and sees him.] Me want snu-snu!
[She pokes him with a broom and he runs around the ceiling, his hands and feet sticking to it. Amy walks in. She sees Kif and Thog and gasps. She jumps off the stilts and holds out her arms.]
Amy: Kif! Jump!
[He lands in her arms.]
Kif: My hero!
[They kiss and run.]
[Scene: Outside Femputer Temple. Amy runs past the steps still carrying Kif with the Amazonians chasing her.]
Thog: (shouting) Me not get snu-snu! Get him!
[They chase her around the side of the temple. Ornik, Kug and another group of Amazonians block her path. She gasps and ducks through a crack in the wall.]
[Cut to: Femputer Temple. Amy runs towards the Femputer and the Amazonians run in and corner her. Thog gets on her knees in front of the Femputer.]
Thog: Mighty Femputer. Small girl steal green kissy man. We kill her now?
Fembot: (from inside) Come back later. Leave me alone.
Bender: (from inside) Yeah, get lost! [They giggle. Inside, the Fembot and Bender sit on her bed kissing. Bender holds the microphone and makes spooky noises.] (spookily) Ooh! I'm a scary Femputer. Release the prisoners! [Outside, the Amazonians look confused.] (from inside) And bring gold. Lots of gold.
Thog: Gold? Why Femputer want gold?
Fembot: (from inside) You heard the man.
[They giggle again. Amy and Kif smile and walk out.]
Bender: (from inside) C'mon! Gimme some of that!
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Hermes and Zoidberg stand at the water cooler.]
Zoidberg: And that's how I got my new shell. It looks just like the shell I threw out yesterday and I found it in the same dumpster, but this one had a live raccoon inside. [He slurps.] Pretty good story, eh, Hermes?
Hermes: Stick to someone else, you windy barnacle!
[Leela, Bender and Farnsworth sit at the table.]
Leela: It's funny how the battle of the sexes was only resolved when a Manbot and a Fembot realised they loved each other.
Bender: Yeah. By the way, if she calls, I'm not here. All I know is this gold says that was the best mission ever!
[He closes his door. Inside and on the table are big bars of gold. On the couch Kif yawns and puts his arm around Amy. She giggles.]
Amy: It sure was.
[Fry and Zapp stand nearby in body casts and leaning on crutches.]
Fry: Oh, yeah!
Zapp: I had snu-snu!
Kif: So, um, Amy, w-what do you wanna do now?
[Amy whispers something in his ear and smiles. He gasps and stutters.]
Special Appearance By
Bea Arthur as Femputer