2acv16: Anthology of Interest I
From The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Painstakingly Drawn Before A Live Audience.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The staff are assembled around a table.]
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! I've invented a device that allows you to operate equipment from great distances. I call it "the fing-longer". [He is wearing a glove with a long index finger.] Observe. [He pulls out a rest and aims the fing-longer at a button on a piece of equipment.] And, here we go. [He misses the button a few times but eventually succeeds. The equipment, a sort of TV screen, turns on.] There!
Farnsworth: Pretty long, eh?
Fry: Yeah, it's really long. But what did you just turn on with it?
Farnsworth: Oh, that's just the What-If machine I invented. You pose it a What-If question and it generates a video simulation of what would happen.
Fry: Does it really work?
Farnsworth: Of course it works! [He bashes Fry on the nose with the fing-longer.] It's just not very long.
Bender: Ooh! Ooh! [He rubs his hands together.] I wanna aks it a question! [He speaks into the the microphone of the What-If machine.] As a robot living among humans, I've never really felt accepted at parties or nude beaches. So I've always secretly wondered: What if I was 500-feet tall?
Zoidberg: Let's watch, shall we?
[What-If Scene: On the What-If machine screen a bending unit bends a girder and fixes it to the shoulder of a 500-foot tall Bender. Another throws a switch and giant Bender's eyelid opens. He scratches his ass and belches.]
Bender: My work here is done!
[He blasts off and flies away. The other bending units salute him.]
[What-If Scene: He flies towards Earth as Black Sabbath's Iron Man plays.]
[What-If Scene: Central Park Lake. Fry sighs.]
Fry: I'm so lonely since I came to the future. [He pulls out a slice of bread and offers it to a duck.] Will you be my friend? [The duck snatches away the bread and bites him.] Ow! [A shadow creeps over him. He looks up and Bender falls on him. Bender groans and sits up. Fry is wedged between his eyes. Fry gasps.] Who are you?
Bender: I'm a big robot and I want a big cereal!
Fry: You too? Will you be my friend?
[Bender holds out his hand.]
Bender: Put it there, pal! [Fry shakes his finger.] I meant your wallet.
[Montage: Fry and Bender play hide and seek as Hanson's Mmmbop plays. Fry counts and looks for Bender behind some bushes and under a rock even though it is more than obvious he is hiding behind a tree. Bender giggles. Fry looks around and sees him and they both laugh. Later they stand on a road bridge overlooking a highway. They lean over and Fry spits on a car windscreen. Bender spits a huge glob of oil onto the road. Cars skid and pile up. Fry sternly shakes his finger at Bender. Back in the park, they play Frisbee near a Hanson concert. Fry throws the Frisbee, Bender leaps for it and crushes Hanson and the crowd. He gets up and smiles at Fry. Fry hugs Bender's foot. The scene ends with a heart wipe.]
[Newspaper Headline: "Robot Rampage: Thousands Dead. None Injured".]
[What-If Scene: New New York City Street. Troops march through the streets with tanks behind them and planes overhead. Bender snaps a chimney off "Kentucky Slim's Chicken-Flavored Cigarettes" factory and smokes it.]
Bender: Oh, yeah! That calms the shakes. [The troops shoot him with electricity guns.] Hey! [They shoot again and Bender just laughs.] (laughing) Aw, quit it! Come on!
[Fry runs between the soldiers and Bender.]
Fry: (shouting) Stop! The robot's not your enemy! He's just a poor, misunderstood--
[The soldiers shoot him and he screams and faints. Bender stamps down the street and crushes troops. In a tank, Zapp and Kif watch.]
[Bender treads on them and Kif sighs. Bender sniffs and groans. He rips up a telegraph pole and scrapes the tank off his foot.]
[What-If Scene: Planet Express: Attic Balcony. Amy, Hermes, Leela and Farnsworth watch Bender's rampage.]
Amy: Well, there goes the neighbourhood. [Bender smashes some more buildings.] There goes another neighbourhood.
Hermes: We're jerked! Nothing can stop a monster that big.
Farnsworth: Nothing except and even equally big monster. This is chance to try out my experimental enlarging ray. But we'll need a guinea pig.
[What-If Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The four hide behind a table, watching a guinea pig on a plate. Zoidberg passes the door, sniffs and sees the guinea pig.]
Zoidberg: What's this? Two meals in one week?
[He picks up the guinea pig and eats it. A tube comes down over him and traps him. Amy laughs.]
Hermes: Oh, yes!
Zoidberg: Friends! Help! A guinea pig tricked me! [Farnsworth throws a switch and the enlarging ray comes down and enlarges Zoidberg.] What?
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Zoidberg grows and emerges from the hangar roof.]
Zoidberg: So, now Zoidberg is big, huh? That's more like it! Who's intimidating who now, big city? [He walks towards a building.] Hello, Mr. Chase Manhattan Bank. Deny my credit card application, will you? [He growls and knocks the building in half. He turns around.] Ah, the famed Apollo Theater. "Boo" me off stage on open-mic night, huh? I'll show you!
[He kicks the building apart and picks up another one. Bender arrives.]
Bender: Hey, I called this city! Quit touching my stuff!
Zoidberg: Tell it to claw.
[He holds up his claw to Bender.]
Bender: Bite my colossal metal ass!
[Zoidberg picks up a train and whips it around. Bender snaps off part of a travel tube, sucks up some people and blows them at Zoidberg. Zoidberg screams.]
[Bender dives on Zoidberg and knocks him into some buildings. They roll across the city. Zoidberg kicks Bender off him, picks up a building and uses a bridge to launch it at Bender. It misses and hits a cliff. A "Luxury River View Apts" banner rolls out from one of the windows. Bender rips up the Shea Stadium from its foundations, scoops up some water and boils it with a fiery belch.]
Bender: (shouting) Who wants lobster bisque?
[Bender knocks him into the boiling water and he screams as he disappears under. Bender laughs.]
Fry: Hey, Bender?
[Bender turns around and looks down and sees Fry standing with crayons and paper.]
Fry: Wanna make Shrinky Dinks?
[Bender leans over to Fry and Zoidberg appears from the water and clips off Bender's feet at his ankles. Bender loses his balance and falls over, impaling himself on a building. He groans, opens his chest cabinet and sees the top of the building.]
Bender: Who put this in here?
[He slides down the building. Fry rushes forward from the crowd.]
Fry (screaming) Nooo! [He climbs onto Bender.] (talking) Are you people satisfied? This gentle visitor is dying! And we'll never even know why he came.
Bender: I'll tell you ... with my final breath. [The crowd murmurs.] I came here with a simple dream: A dream of killing all humans. And this is how it must end? Who's the real 7-billion-ton robot monster here? Not I. [He chokes.] Not I.
Fry: Goodnight, sweet prince.
Narrator: (voice-over) Interesting stuff. Stay tuned for more Tales of Interest!
[The What-If scenario ends.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab.]
Farnsworth: Well, Leela, care to give the What-If machine a whirl?
Leela: Maybe later. I-I mean, I don't know what to ask about.
Hermes: Come on, woman! Just pick something.
Fry: Yeah, be more impulsive. Like this.
[He picks up a box of Admiral Crunch, tips the contents on his head and pours milk over it.]
Bender: Go, man! Go!
[Fry eats the cereal from his head.]
Leela: I can be really impulsive. It just takes me a while. [Fry hums and chops a banana onto his head.] Alright, Professor! Let's do it. Make that machine show me what would happen if I was a little more impulsive. Just a little. [Farnsworth pushes a button with the fing-longer.] Not too much.
[What-If Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry, Amy and Bender sit around the table. Enter Leela.]
Leela: Hey, you guys, look what I bought on a wild impulse: New boots. They're like my old ones but with a crazy green stripe. Woo! Never know what I'm gonna do next!
[Fry hums and ladles some gravy onto a chicken that is on his head. Leela sighs. Enter Farnsworth.]
Farnsworth: Leela, could you come in here for a moment. I have something important to tell you.
[What-If Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. He takes a plate of raw meat out of a fridge.]
Farnsworth: I can't live forever and I need an heir. Someone to spend my vast riches and take care of my man-eating anteaters when I'm gone. [He drops the meat into a pit in the middle of the room. In the pit three giant anteaters eat it.] The others simply aren't level-headed enough. They're too impulsive. Not like you. Not like old, predictable, dull-as-dishwater Leela.
Leela: Hello? New boots!
[He turns his back to her and looks into the pit.]
Farnsworth: That's why I've made you my sole heir. The day I die, you'll be a very wealthy woman. Oh, my, yes. Incredibly wealthy. The day I die. Because you're so unimpulsive.
[She kicks Farnsworth into the pit.]
Farnsworth (shouting) Ooh! [The anteaters start to eat him.] Oh, you've killed me! You've killed me!
Leela: Oh, God! What have I done?
Farnsworth I just told you, you've killed me!
[The anteaters finish him off. All that is left of him is his skeleton and his lab coat. An anteater coughs up his glasses onto his skull.]
[What-If Scene: Planet Express Corridor. Leela stands outside the lounge rubbing her hands.]
Leela: OK, just try to be nonchalant.
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Leela walks in whistling nonchalantly.]
Zoidberg: Alright, so you're nonchalant. Quit rubbing our noses in it.
Hermes: Sweet giant anteater of Saint Anita! The Professor's been eaten by giant anteaters!
Hermes: If y'ask me, it's mighty suspicious! I'm gonna call the police ... right after I flush some things.
Zoidberg: Police? Bah! Nosy meddlers! It so happens I have mail order degrees in Murderology and Murderonomy. [He puts on a deerstalker and pulls out a magnifying glass.] Zoidberg is afoot!
[What-If Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Hermes and Leela sit at the table. There are boxes scattered around Hermes and piles of paper in front of him.]
Hermes: Perhaps the Professor's files can clear things up. (reading) "Citation for public nudity", "Conspiracy to commit public nudity". (talking) Aha! A new will! Naming ... [He gasps.] ... you as his sole heir.
Leela: That doesn't prove I killed him.
Hermes: It's a video will. It shows you killing him.
[The will plays, showing Leela kicking Farnsworth into the pit. Leela narrows her eye at Hermes. Hermes' jaw drops.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Zoidberg leans over the anteater pit. The sounds of Leela beating Hermes comes from the meeting room.]
Leela: (from meeting room) Hi-yah!
Zoidberg: Alright, anteater number one, who are you protecting? [Hermes dives into the room but is dragged out again.] Is it anteater number two? [Leela runs in, grabs an axe and runs out again.] Don't stick your tongue out at me. I need a name! [An anteater makes a noise.] What? How do you spell that?
[The sound of hacking comes from the meeting room.]
Hermes: (shouting; from meeting room) What are you hacking off? Is it my torso? It is! My precious torso!
Zoidberg: (shouting) Hermes, quiet! I'm deducing things.
[Cut to: Planet Express: Kitchen. Leela forces something down the garbage disposal using the stick end of a plunger. Enter Bender.]
Bender: Whattya got? Disposal trouble?
[Leela covers the disposal.]
Leela: No! Everything's just--
[He moves her aside and throws the plunger out the way.]
Bender: Sure is shocking about the Professor, huh?. [He starts clearing the garbage disposal.] And now Hermes is mysteriously missing. Anyhow, it doesn't affect me, Bender. Hey, what's this? Hermes' dreadlocks? And his arm? Leela, I'm shocked. Food goes in the disposal, hair and flesh go in the trash!
Leela: I'm sorry, I couldn't stop-- W-Wait. Don't you care that I murdered Hermes?
Bender: Not even a little. There's nothing wrong with murder, just so long as you let Bender wet his beak.
Leela: You're blackmailing me?
Bender: "Blackmail" is such an ugly word. I prefer "extortion". The "X" makes it sound cool. [Leela narrows her eye and pulls out a meat cleaver.] Please, honey, I'm made of metal. Like you're really gonna hurt me with a-- Hey! What are you doing with that microwave?
[Leela smashes the glass on the microwave door and turns it on. Bender sparks and falls to pieces.]
Leela: OK, that's it. No more killing! Next time you feel like killing just have a stick of gum. [She sighs.] Now to dispose of the body.
[What-If Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Leela drives a Bender-cart in. She honks the horn.]
Amy: Wow! Sporty go-cart, Leela! So hip and sexy. Not like you at all.
[Leela narrows her eye.]
Leela: Do you have any gum?
[Leela's shadow creeps over her and she screams.]
[What-If Scene: Planet Express: Accusing Parlour. The remaining Planet Express staff, plus Cubert and Nibbler, are assembled in the room. Zoidberg, still wearing the deerstalker, tips some tobacco into his pipe then eats the whole thing. A man with a moustache walks in.]
Zoidberg: Ah, the gang's all here.
Leela: Who are you?
Scruffy: Scruffy, the janitor.
[He sits down.]
Leela: I've never seen you before.
Scruffy: I've never seen you before neither.
Zoidberg: Quiet, please. I've called you all here to the parlour to watch as I gradually solve the crime. One of the people in this room ... is a big murderer! [Everyone except Leela gasps. She gasps theatrically.] You see, the killer left one fatal clue: This boot print on the Professor's lab coat.
[He holds it up.]
Leela: Uh, couldn't be me. I never wear boots. [She unzips her boots and lifts her feet onto the table and twiddles her toes.] See?
Fry: Ew! What smells like boot feet?
Cubert: This is preposterous. Obviously, the murderer is--
[Leela turns the lights off and Cubert squeaks. The lights go back on. There is now a sword through Cubert. Scruffy gasps.]
Zoidberg: My next clue came at 4.15, when the clock stopped. And another came two hours later at 4.15, when I discovered the murdered body of Amy's dead, deceased corpse.
[He opens the clock and Amy tumbles out, clutching some purple hair.]
Scruffy: Scruffy knows who killed them people. In Scruffy's opinion, it were--
[Leela turns the lights off again and stabs Scruffy with the same sword. The lights come back on.]
Zoidberg: So, it's just as I suspected all along. The crime is unsolvable! [Nibbler squeals and points at Leela. The lights go off and Leela stabs Nibbler. They come back on and Nibbler is sandwiched between Scruffy and Cubert. An envelope comes through the door. Zoidberg reads the letter inside.] A letter from Bender, my good friend. (reading) Dear Dr. Jerkberg, if you're reading this, I'm already dead. The person who killed me was ... was-- [He looks up from the letter.] My God! It can't be! The murderer, it was--
Fry: I'm bored. You're boring, Zoidberg. I'm gonna go watch TV.
Leela: Could you get the lights on your way out?
[The lights go off.]
[What-If Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Leela sits at the table eating a plate of something red.]
Fry: Whatcha eating?
Leela: [eating] Lobster. Want some?
Fry: Sure. [He picks up one of Zoidberg's claws, dips it in sauce and takes a bite.] Y'know, I think I finally figured out what's behind all these mysterious deaths.
Fry: Was Planet Express built on an Indian graveyard?
Fry: Then ... then ... it was you!
Leela: (crying) I don't know what came over me. I killed one person on impulse. Then I had to kill another. And another.
Fry: Well, that covers the first three killings.
Leela: And now, to make sure you won't talk, I'm gonna have to do something really impulsive!
[What-If Scene: Leela's Bedroom. Fry and Leela relax in bed. Leela sighs.]
Leela: So, Fry, what do you think of the impulsive new me?
Fry: I like it!
Leela: Good. Now let me just get the lights.
[She turns the lights off. Fry screams.]
Fry: I really like it!
[The What-If scenario ends.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab.]
Farnsworth: Who else has a question for the What-If machine? Scruffy? Fry?
Fry: Um, I have a question. What if Bender was really giant?
Leela: You idiot! We already saw that.
Fry: I know. I liked it. I wanna see it again.
Farnsworth: We're not seeing it again! Ask something less stupid.
Fry: Oh, alright. How 'bout this? What if I never fell into that freezer-doodle and came to the future-jiggy?
Farnsworth: That question is less stupid, though you asked it in a profoundly stupid way. [He turns to the What-If machine.] What would happen if Fry never came to the future?
[He turns the crank and the What-If machine plays the scenario.]
[What-If Scene: It's December 31st 1999. Fry cycles past O'Grady's Pub.]
[What-If Scene: Applied Cryogenics Corridor. Fry steps out of the elevator on the 64th floor and walks into the cryogenics lab.]
[Cut to: Applied Cryogenics: Freezer Room. The room is as it was in Space Pilot 3000. He wipes the condensation off a tube and a different man is inside.]
Fry: Hello? Pizza delivery for ... Icy Wiener? Aw, crud! [He sits down in the chair, puts his feet on the desk and opens a can of beer.] Here's to another lousy Millennium! [He blows the noise maker and tips back on the chair. He loses his balance, falls and hits his head on a freezer.] Ow! [The dial on the machine sets itself. He rubs his head and holds up the noise maker.] I should have left you floating in the toilet!
[A blue hole opens behind him and he turns around. Bender, Zoidberg, Farnsworth and Leela are in the hole. They look around in confusion, not noticing Fry.]
Leela: What is it?
Farnsworth: It appears that the very fabric of space-time has ripped.
[Bender sees Fry.]
Bender: Hey, look! An ugly scared guy! Boo!
[Fry gasps and Bender laughs and make ghost noises.]
Fry: Who are you monsters? Is one of you Icy Wiener?
Zoidberg: If that's his pizza, then I'm icy whatever!
[The hole closes and a gust of wind lifts Fry off his legs. He grabs on to the desk and is sucked back until the hole closes completely.]
[What-If Scene: Panucci's Pizza. Fry is back at work. Panucci scratches his back with a baguette.]
Fry: You believe me about the monsters, right, Mr. Panucci?
Panucci: There's only three real monsters, kid: Dracula, Blacula and Son of Kong. Now quit picking your nose and knead that dough! [Fry sighs. Stephen Hawking rolls in.] Hey! The usual, Professor Hawking?
Hawking: No. Today I'd like something good.
Panucci: Hawking, you're alright! I'll make you the usual!
[He walks into the kitchen.]
Fry: Hey! Stephen Hawking! Aren't you that physicist that invented gravity?
Hawking: Sure. Why not?
Fry: Let me ask you something: Has anyone ever discovered a hole in nothing with monsters in it? [Hawking's eyes widen in horror.] 'Cause if I'm the first, I want them to call it "a Fry Hole".
Hawking: There is nothing to be concerned about. I must go. There is much to do.
[He turns to leave. Panucci comes back with his pizza.]
Panucci: Hey, Hawking! Your pizza's ready.
Hawking: Toss it in the garbage!
[What-If Scene: Outside Panucci's Pizza. Fry locks up for the night and walks into an alley.]
Hawking: (from alley) There he is. Seize him.
Fry: (from alley) Who said that? [A man in a long coat and a woman with a beehive cast shadows on a wall. They start beating Fry.] Hey! What the--? Ooh! Ow! Ow!
[What-If Scene: Fry awakens somewhere, tied to a chair with a spotlight pointing down on him.]
Fry: Who are you people?
[A figure emerges from the shadows.]
Gore: I'm Al Gore, and these are my Vice Presidential Action Rangers; a group of top nerds whose sole duty it is to prevent disruptions in the space-time continuum.
Fry: I thought your duty was to cast the tie-breaking vote in the Senate.
Gore: That, and protect the space-time continuum. Read the Constitution!
Fry: Hmm. So I guess you'll wanna see my Fry Hole.
Gore: Very much so. But first, meet the Action Rangers. You already know Stephen Hawking. Also with us are Nichelle Nichols, a.k.a. Commander Uhura.
[Nichols, dressed like Uhura from Star Trek, sits monitoring some equipment. She turns around.]
Nichols: Incoming transmission from MCI "One Rate" department. It sounds like a limited-time offer.
Gore: Tell them I'm in the tub! To my left you'll recognise Gary Gygax, inventor of Dungeons & Dragons.
Gygax: Greetings! It's a ... [He rolls some dice.] ... pleasure to meet you!
Gore: And our summer intern, Deep Blue, the world's foremost chess-playing computer.
Deep Blue: Bishop to knight 4.
[Gore pats Deep Blue.]
Gore: Not all missions can be solved with chess, Deep Blue. Someday you'll understand that.
Fry: Where am I, anyway?
Nichols: You're travelling in a specially-equipped terrestrial transport module.
Gygax: A school bus!
[The yellow bus has "Grand Unified School District" written on the side.]
Fry: So what do you nerds want?
Nichols: It's about that rip in space-time that you saw.
Hawking: I call it a "Hawking Hole".
Fry: No fair! I saw it first!
Hawking: Who is The Journal of Quantum Physics going to believe?
Gygax: Mr. Fry, the time disruption indicates that some of that was supposed to happen but didn't, due to a quantum fluctuation.
Nichols: That's why we had to beat you with tennis rackets.
Gore: If we don't go back there and make the event happen, the entire universe will be destroyed! And as an environmentalist, I'm against that.
[Cut to: Outside Applied Cryogenics. The bus screeches to a halt.]
[What-If Scene: Applied Cryogenics: Freezer Room. Fry and the Action Rangers stand.]
Fry: So then my chair tilted back and I almost fell into this freezer thingy.
Hawking: I call it a "Hawking Chamber".
Fry: But instead of falling in and getting frozen, I missed and wanged my head.
Gore: Well it's obvious what should have happened: That wang to the head should have killed you.
Fry: Uh, what?
Nichols: Let's finish the job.
Gore: No! Wait! There must be a peaceful--
[Nichols pushes him over and he screams.]
Hawking: Hold him down.
Deep Blue: Check.
[Gygax, Nichols and Deep Blue pin Fry to the floor. Hawking runs him over.]
Fry: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
[The hole opens. Everyone gasps.]
Nichols: Something's wrong. Murder isn't working and that's all we're good at.
Gygax: Let's try something else. Maybe we should--
[He rolls the dice. Gore slams his hand on the desk.]
Gore: Put the dice away before I take them away.
Nichols: Wait. I'm getting an idea. What if Fry was supposed to get frozen?
Hawking: Yes. Shove him in the tube. It was my idea.
[Bender appears in the hole.]
Bender: Hey, there he is again. And he brought nerds! Take this!
[He throws his bottle at them and it smashes at Fry's feet.]
Gore: Get in the tube, dummy! We only have a few seconds before the universe is destroyed.
[They converge on Fry and back him towards the freezer.]
Fry: Alright. But I need a weapon to fight off drunken robots when I wake up.
Gygax: Here. Take my plus-one mace.
[Fry takes it and walks towards the tube.]
Fry: OK, here I go.
[He smashes the top window of the freezer and laughs maniacally.]
Gore: You fool! You foolish fool!
Fry: Eh, what's the worst thing that can happen?
[The hole starts to suck the room into itself. It sucks in Fry and the Action Rangers. They scream.]
[Cut to: Outside Applied Cryogenics. The hole sucks in the building and those around it.]
[What-If Scene: The Earth is sucked into the hole followed by planets, galaxies and space itself until all that is left is white. Fry, Hawking, Gore, Nichols, Deep Blue and Gygax float around in the white.]
Hawking: Great. The entire universe was destroyed.
Fry: Destroyed? Then where are we now?
Gore: I don't know. But I can darn well tell you where we're not: The universe.
Nichols: Eternity with nerds. It's the Pasadena Star Trek convention all over again.
Gygax: Anyone wanna play Dungeons & Dragons for the next quadrillion years?
Hawking: I guess.
Deep Blue: Pawn to rook 8.
Gore: I'm a 10th-level Vice President!
[The What-If scenario ends.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth turns off the What-If machine.]
Farnsworth: That story was preposterous. Stephen Hawking in a pizzeria! This thing isn't worth the gold it's made of. [He pushes the What-If machine into a bin.] Anyway, the fing-longer seems to be arousing success.
[The staff applaud.]
Fry: Good work.
Amy: Right on, Professor!
[The What-If scenario ends. Farnsworth has been watching the whole thing on the What-If machine.]
Farnsworth: So that's what things would be like if I'd invented the fing-longer. [He sighs.] A man can dream though. A man can dream.
Eric Rogers (First Segment)
Ken Keeler (Second Segment)
David X. Cohen (Third Segment)
Special Appearances By
Al Gore as Himself
Stephen Hawking as Himself
Nichelle Nichols as Herself
Gary Gygax as Himself