1acv13: Fry and the Slurm Factory
From The Neutral Planet
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Late at night Fry and Bender sit on the couch. There are four Slurm cans on the coffee table. Fry drinks from another one and they watch All My Circuits on the TV. Calculon opens the door to his bedroom.]
Calculon: [on TV] Honey unit, I'm home. [He gasps.] Monique!
[Monique is in bed with Boxy. She pulls the sheets up around her.]
Monique: [on TV] Calculon!
Calculon: [on TV] Oh, how I wish I could believe that. You may be my evil half-brother, but there's no law against murdering the other half.
[The screen changes to the All My Circuits logo.]
Announcer #1: [voice-over; on TV] All My Circuits will be right back after this word from...
[The screen changes to an advert.]
Announcer #2: [voice-over; on TV] Slurm! It's highly addictive!
[A hand takes a can of Slurm off the screen. The hand belongs to a surfing slug. Two babes on a beach watch him.]
Babe: [on TV] Look! It's Slurms MacKenzie!
Dixie: [on TV] He's the original party worm!
[Slurms surfs onto the beach between the girls and they stroke him.]
Slurms: [on TV] Whimmy-wham-wham-wazzle! Let's party!
[He and the babes dance on the beach and are joined by other dancing people. They all drink cans of Slurm.]
Bender: Look at that worm go. Who says there are no more heroes?
[On the TV Slurms surfs with the two babes.]
Slurms: [on TV] Hey, dudes, you can win a chance to party with me, Slurms MacKenzie, at the Slurm bottling plant on planet Wormulon!
[A still picture of Slurms playing a guitar with the babes and a crate of Slurm appears on the screen with the words "Win A Trip".]
Announcer #2: [voice-over; on TV] Just look for the winning bottle-cap inside specially-marked cans of Slurm.
[Back on the board, the babe shakes something out of her Slurm can and shows it to the camera. It is a bottle-cap with "You Win!" printed on it. She gasps.]
Babe: I won!
[Disclaimers appear on the screen. "Slurm Has Been Found To Cause Cancer In Laboratory Humans", "Employees Of Slurm Corp. And Their Families Are Eligible To Enter And Will Probably Win" and "The following species are ineligible: Space wasps, space beavers, any other animal with the word 'Space' in front of it, space chickens and the elusive yak-face" in alien language #1.]
Announcer #2: [fast voice-over; on TV] No purchase necessary unless you wish to enter the contest. Odds of winning mathematically insignificant.
Fry: I like those odds. [Something rattles around in his can and he gasps. He empties it onto his hand. It's a tooth.] Rats. Just another tooth.
[He throws his empty can onto a pile of other cans and drops his tooth onto the floor along with another nine that have fallen out. He opens another can, drinks from it and sighs. He smiles a big toothless smile.]
[Opening Credits. Caption: Live From Omicron Persei 8.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff sit around the table watching Fry guzzle down another can of Slurm. Fry shakes the can upside-down and looks inside. "You're A Loser" is printed on the bottom. He groans.]
Fry: I gotta find that golden bottle-cap.
[He throws the can behind him, opens another one and starts drinking it.]
Leela: I've never seen anyone so addicted to Slurm.
Fry: This is nothing. Back in high school I used to drink a hundred cans of cola a week. Right up until my third heart attack.
[The door opens and Bender stands in the doorway clutching his door and groaning. His antenna is wilted and he is a slightly redder colour.]
Leela: Bender, what's wrong?
Bender: I'm sick.
[He sneezes and his eyes pop out and back in again.]
Leela: You poor baby. Let me check if you have a fever. [She puts the back of her hand against his head and it sizzles. She pulls it away quickly.] Ow!
[Farnsworth opens Bender's door with his lab coat acting as a glove.]
Farnsworth: According to Bender's temperature gauge, which I suggest you use next time, Leela, he's running a fever of ... 900 degrees.
[He closes the door and Bender groans. Hermes fluffs a cushion on a couch in the corner.]
Hermes: Bender, mon, lie yourself down. [Bender lies on the couch and it bursts into flames. It burns away and leaves nothing but ash. Bender falls to the floor.] You're payin' for that!
[Scene: Planet Express: Zoidberg's Office. Bender sits on the examination table and the rest of the staff gather around.]
Zoidberg: I'll have a look, but I remind you, I'm an expert on humans not robots.
[He shines a torch into Fry's eye.]
Fry: I'm not Bender, I'm Fry.
Zoidberg: Really? I though you were the robot.
Fry: Nope. Human.
Zoidberg: Alright, alright, spare me your life story. [He turns to Bender.] Now what seems to be the trouble?
Bender: My tummy hurts and I've been having this burning electrical discharge.
[Zoidberg runs a stethoscope across Bender's casing.]
Zoidberg: Hmm. Don't worry, you'll be fine. [He turns to the rest of the staff.] (muttering) Oh boy. (quietly) I didn't have the heart to tell him: It's fin fungus. He'll be floating upside-down by morning.
[He walks off tutting. Amy turns to Bender.]
Amy: You should try homeopathic medicine, Bender. Take some zinc.
Bender: I'm 40% zinc.
Amy: Then take some Echinacea or a St. John's wort.
Farnsworth: Or a big fat placebo. It's all the same crap.
[Bender coughs and a sound comes from his chest cabinet.]
Leela: Hey, what's rattling around in there?
Farnsworth: It may well be the cause of Bender's illness. But more importantly, it's a flimsy pretext to try out my latest invention. To the laboratory!
[He shuffles off very slowly and the rest quickly pass him.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth holds up a torch-like object to the rest of the crew.]
Farnsworth: I call this the F-ray. It's like an X-ray only it allows you to see through anything, even metal. Now, the neutrino beam it emits is a tad dangerous, so you'll all need protective goggles. [Amy, Hermes, Fry and Leela put on some goggles and gasp when they see Farnsworth putting on a full-body radiation suit. He picks up the F-ray and turns to Bender.] You may feel a slight stinging sensation -- all of you! [The crew look shocked and Farnsworth turns on the F-ray and shines it on Bender's casing. He adjusts it and the beam lights up Bender's inner workings. Farnsworth points the beam at Bender's head showing his CPU number, 6502, then he points it at his arms, feet and back to his body. A watch has jammed Bender's workings.] Aha! There's the cause of your illness.
Amy: Hey, that's my watch!
Bender: I was wondering where I put that. [He puts his hand down his throat and hands Amy her watch through his door. He turns from the reddish colour back to his normal blue-grey colour.] Hey, now I feel much better! Thanks, Professor. And, Amy, I'm sorry I took your watch.
[She smiles and hugs him. Bender steals her earrings and chuckles. She moves away and he tosses the earrings down his throat and coughs. Fry and Bender stay with Farnsworth while the others leave. Farnsworth takes off his suit.]
Farnsworth: Well, I've got to go take this suit to the decontaminators. You two lock up the F-ray and for the love of God don't let it fall into the wrong hands.
[He hands it to them. They look at each other and chuckle.]
[Scene: New New York City Street. Fry and Bender walk down the busy street with the F-ray. Bender holds it up.]
Bender: What should we point it at first?
Fry: I 'unno. Try it on me. [Bender turns it on and points it at Fry's crotch. Fry doubles over in pain.] Ow! My sperm!
Bender: Wow, neat! Mind if I try that again?
[He points it at Fry's crotch again but nothing happens.]
Fry: Huh, didn't hurt that time.
[Bender watches a Fembot walk past.]
Bender: Whoa, mama! Hold still, sexy lady.
[He points the F-ray at her and gasps.]
Fry: What's wrong?
Bender: That's no lady!
"Fembot": Damn Chico! One more upgrade and I'll be more lady than you can handle! Why you so stupid, stupid?
Bender: Hey, bite my shiny metal ass!
"Fembot": You couldn't afford it, honey.
[It snaps it's fingers and walks off.]
[Scene: 7^11. Outside the convenience store some people queue outside a suicide booth and a sign advertises the shop as being "Open 28 Hours". Inside Bender and Fry use the F-ray to look inside products such as Mom's Friendly Robot Oil, Bachelor Chow, Robo Fresh, Tanning Butter, Mr Baked Beans and Glagnar's Human Rinds. Fry groans.]
Fry: All this prolonged exposure to radiation is making me thirsty. [He sees a stack of Slurm cans in the corner. Next to them is a life-sized cardboard stand-up of Slurms MacKenzie and the babes. A speech bubble comes from Slurms' mouth with "Win A Party With Me" written on it. Fry picks up a can.] Ah, if only there was some way of knowing which can had the winning bottle-cap inside.
[Bender stops pointing the F-ray at some Hot Logs and turns to Fry.]
Bender: Huh, w-what? I didn't hear you. I was too busy using this F-ray to look inside of things.
Fry: Wait a second. I'm getting an idea. N-No, false alarm. No. Yeah. No. Yeah. No. Wait. No. Yeah. Yeah. No ... no. Yes!
[Montage: Fry points the F-ray at the stack of Slurm cans and shakes his head in disappointment. In the street, Bender takes a can of Slurm from a small boy with a red balloon. The boy cries, Bender points the F-ray at the can and hands it back to the boy when he sees there is nothing inside. The boy stops crying. Bender points the F-ray at the balloon and it bursts and the boy cries again. Fry points the F-ray at a Slurm dispenser but there is no winning cap inside. Bender extends his arm into the coin tray and takes a handful of coins. Back in the street Bender points the F-ray at a Slurm blimp. It explodes and he and Fry run away.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Leela and Farnsworth sit at the table playing 3D Scrabble, a version of 3D Chess from Star Trek. On the top level are the words "ONE" and "EYE"; on the second row is "MATT" and "AREA"; on the third is "POOP" and "ONLY"; on the fourth is "DONUT," "ONE" and "EMU". The letters on Farnsworth's rack spell "FUUTAMA". The door opens and Bender slams the F-ray onto the table, upsetting the letters.]
Bender: Ah, this thing stinks.
Fry: We checked 90,000 cans of Slurm and all we won was this junk. [He points behind him to a cart full of Slurm merchandise including Slurm coats, a cooler of Slurm cans, eight Slurm blernsball caps, a Slurm motorbike and a Slurm jet-ski.] I never wanna see another can of Slurm again. Man, am I thirsty.
[He walks over to the fridge and takes out a refreshing can of Slurm. He starts guzzling it back and suddenly starts to cough and choke.]
Leela: Fry, are you alright?
[Bender picks up the F-ray and points it at Fry's neck. A Slurm bottle-cap with "You Win!" written on it is lodged in his throat.]
Bender: You did it, Fry! You found the winning bottle-cap! We won!
[Fry cheers and wheezes.]
Fry: (wheezy) Hooray!
[Scene: The Planet Express ship flies towards the Slurm planet. The planet has a ring and the "Slurm" logo is painted on it. The ship disappears into the atmosphere.]
[Cut to: Outside Slurm Factory. The ship descends from the clouds, the landing gear comes down and it lands outside the Slurm factory which bears an uncanny resemblance to the Wonka factory in Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory. A banner reading "Welcome Contest Winners!" has been hung above the gates. Fry, Bender, Leela, Amy and the rest of the staff walk out of the ship down the steps.]
Leela: Ooh, look at that!
[Outside the gates are four worms. Two of them play a fanfare and the gates open. A path leads from the gates up to a building. On the steps of the building two worms roll out a red carpet. The end of the carpet reaches the gates and a worm dressed like Gene Wilder in Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory pops out.]
Glurmo: Welcome to the planet Wormulon. I'm Glurmo, your golly-rific guide to the splend-tacular Slurm factory.
Fry: Uh-huh. Can we have our free Slurm now?
Glurmo: You'll have all the Slurm you can drink later on when you're partying with my good friend, Slurms MacKenzie.
[He moves aside and behind him is Slurms and the babes. Slurms' party music plays.]
Slurms: Alright! Whimmy-wham-wham-wazzle! Lay some skin on me, dudes!
[Fry and Bender do. Some worm slime comes off on Fry's hand.]
Bender: Wow! The original party worm! [Fry wipes the slime off on his trousers. Bender dances.] Are you ready to get down, get funky with us?
Glurmo: He'd better be, that's what we pay him for. Right, Slurms?
[Slurms cringes and starts waving his arms around.]
Glurmo: In fact, Slurms has to party all night, every night, or he's fired!
Slurms: (tired) Rock on!
Glurmo: But before the party, you're all in for a fun-derful treat: A VIP tour of the Slurm factory!
[He slides back through the gates and the staff follow.]
Slurms: Enjoy the tour, dudes! [The leave and he droops over.] I'm gonna go lie down.
[Scene: Slurm Factory Entrance. Glurmo and the staff are gathered in the dim room.]
Glurmo: Welcome, my friends, to the wondrous world of whimsy that we like to call "Slurms Centralised Industrial Fabrication Unit".
[Behind him some worms open some doors.]
[Cut to: Slurms Centralised Industrial Fabrication Unit. The crew walk through the door and gasp. The room looks like the huge room in Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory. Slurm cans grow on trees and a river of Slurm flows down the middle.]
Farnsworth: Oh, my!
Bender: Look! Flowers! And a boat!
[The boat is a small paddle boat. The crew walk to the river bank and are about to get on the boat when they see some small aliens across the river carrying barrels of Slurm. They have orange faces and green hair and look like the Oompa-Loompas from Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory. They wave.]
Farnsworth: Who are those horrible orange creatures over there?
Glurmo: Why, those are the Grunka Lunkas. They work here in the Slurm factory.
Farnsworth: Tell them I hate them.
[Time Lapse. The staff and Glurmo are now on the boat and it sails down the green river.]
Glurmo: As we sail down the river of Slurm you'll see our mix-ologists at work. [He points to some Grunka Lunkas stirring cauldrons of yellow-orange stuff.] They take 900 of the finest ingredients, add a touch of child-like delight and mix it all with glacial spring water from our glacial spring water generator. [He points to a Grunka Lunka pumping water into a bucket from two containers labelled "H2" and "O".] Then, last of all, we add the secret ingredient that makes Slurm so deliciously addictive.
[A Grunka Lunka tips up a barrel labelled "Secret Ingredient" into a cauldron of Slurm ingredients but another pulls a curtain across before anyone can see anything.]
Fry: So, what's the secret ingredient?
Glurmo: It's whatever your imagination wants it to be.
Fry: Oh. But what is it really?
Glurmo: (sternly) That's not for you to know. (normal) Now, over here the Grunka Lunkas are inducing Wumpus berries to release their flavour, using sensual massage.
[He points to some Grunka Lunkas who rub piles of purple berries.]
Bender: (whispering) Psst, those berries. Those are the secret ingredient, right?
Bender: You positive?
Bender: I'm just asking cause they look kind of secret.
Glurmo: Enough! There will be no further questions.
[Fry raises his hand.]
[Leela points across him.]
Leela: Hey, look! The disgusting little men are starting to sing.
[On the river bank six Grunka Lunkas line up and dance and sing.]
Grunka Lunkas: (singing) Grunka Lunka dunkity-do,
We've got a friendly warning for you,
Grunka Lunka dunkity-dasis,
The secret of Slurm's on a need-to-know basis.
Grunka Lunka #1: (singing) Asking questions in school is a great way to learn.
Grunka Lunka #2: (singing) If you try that stuff here you might get your legs broke.
Grunka Lunka #1: (singing) We once found a dead guy face down in the Slurm.
Grunka Lunka #2: (singing) It could easily happen again to you folks.
Grunka Lunkas: (singing) So keep you head down,
And keep your mouth shut,
Grunka Lunka lunka dunkity dot!
[Glurmo leans over the side of the boat and waves his cane.]
Glermo: (shouting) Hey, I don't pay you to sing! You just used up today's bathroom break!
[The boat disappears into a tunnel.]
Grunka Lunka #2: Hard ass.
Glurmo: (from boat) I heard that!
[The Grunka Lunka whimpers and runs away.]
[Scene: Slurm Factory Tunnel. The tunnel is lined with large barrels of Slurm.]
Glurmo: Now, on your right, you'll see the Slurm Master checking the Slurm for colour and bouquet.
[An old worm with a long, white beard holds a glass of Slurm. Fry watches and licks his lips.]
Fry: So thirsty.
Glurmo: Then he tastes it. He tastes it and tastes it, then tastes it some more.
Fry: Uh, could I have some Slurm, please?
Glurmo: No food or drink allowed on the tour. You'll have to wait until you're partying with Slurms MacKenzie.
Fry: When will that be?
Glurmo: Soon enough.
Fry: That's not soon enough.
Leela: Hey, what's behind that door?
[She points at a door with a "Keep Out" sign on it. It is guarded by two worms.]
Leela: Is it the secret ingredient?
[Five Grunka Lunkas dance across in front of the door.]
Grunka Lunkas: (singing) Grunka Lunka dunkity dingredient,
You should not ask about the secret ingredient.
Bender: OK, OK, we get the point.
Leela: I was just curious because of the armed guards.
Grunka Lunkas: (singing) Grunka Lunka dunkity darmed guards--
Bender: (shouting) Shut the hell up!
[Time Lapse. Fry sneaks to the back of the boat while Glurmo talks to Hermes.]
Hermes: So you're telling me I could fire my whole staff and hire Grunka Lunkas at half the cost?
Glurmo: That's right. They think they have a good union but they don't. (whispering) They're basically slaves.
[Fry leans over the back of the boat but can't quite reach the Slurm.]
Leela: What are you doing?
Fry: I'm dying of thirst. Grab my feet and dunk my head in so I can drink.
Leela: No. That's moronic.
Fry: Fine. I'll let go and swim around in the Slurm and drink as much as I want. [He laughs and tumbles in. He waves his arms around.] Help! I can't swim!
[He disappears under the water and Leela sighs and dives in after him. Underwater, she swims towards Fry and pulls him back towards the surface by his hair. She comes up gasping for air, followed by a gasping Fry, followed by Bender who whistles.]
Leela: Bender, why did you jump in?
Bender: Everybody was doing it. I just wanted to be popular.
[A whirlpool sucks them underwater and they scream. They are pulled through a hole in the bottom of the Slurm river.]
[Cut to: Wormulon Cave. The trio fly out of a pipe and land on a grate. Slurm pours out of the pipe and into the grate.]
Leela: Where are we?
Bender: And why is the Slurm pouring into this sewer?
[Fry wrings some Slurm from his hair into his mouth and spits it straight out.]
Fry: This isn't Slurm at all!
Leela: Something's rotten on the planet Wormulon. Look at this.
[On the other side of the cave are two doors. One marked "Real Factory" and the other marked "Fake Factory".]
[Cut to: Slurm Factory Tunnel. Leela quietly opens the fake factory door and they peer around it. It is the door from earlier that was marked "Keep Out". On the other side one of the worm guards smokes while another knits. A Grunka Lunka sleeps and two others play poker.]
[Cut to: Wormulon Cave. She closes it again.]
Leela: This all must have something to do with the secret ingredient.
Fry: My God. What if the secret ingredient ... is people?
Leela: No. There's already a soda like that: Soylent Cola.
Fry: Oh. How is it?
Leela: It varies from person to person.
[Scene: Slurme Shoppe. In the gift shop the rest of the staff browse the Slurm merchandise available. Amy looks at some worm keyrings while Farnsworth looks at an "Enjoy Slurm" towel.]
[On the other side of the shop Glurmo watches Hermes look at some worm mugs and Slurm T-shirts. He already wears a worm blernsball cap. The T-shirt sizes range from small to large and also "Mutant" which has four arms. Hermes leaves with his two-armed T-shirt and Zoidberg inquires about a two-armed Hebrew Slurm T-shirt he is wearing.]
Zoidberg: Do you have any that aren't so tight around the thorax?
Glurmo: Yes, over in-- Say, weren't there more people in your group at the start of the tour?
Amy: Hey, yeah. Fry, Leela and Bender are missing.
[Glurmo narrows his eyes.]
Glurmo: If you'll excuse me.
[He slides out, leaving a trail of slime behind him. Amy turns around with a box of Slurm glasses and slips on the slime and falls over and screams. The glasses smash.]
[Scene: Wormulon Cave. Leela, Fry and Bender creep down the dark tunnels. They see torchlight up ahead. Bender gasps.]
Leela: (whispering) Quick.
[They duck behind a rock. Two guards slide along the roof of the cave with a torch and laser. They pass them without seeing them and Bender breathes a sigh of relief.]
Fry: Look! Slurm! Finally! [He points at a conveyor belt with cans of Slurm on it. He walks over, picks up a can and drinks from it.] Oh, yeah! I'm never going 12 minutes without a Slurm again.
Leela: It's the end of the line. This must be where they put in the secret ingredient.
[Behind her is a door marked "Slurm Production Chamber".]
Fry: Well, whatever it is, it's even better fresh. [He takes another swig.] Mmm, still warm.
[Leela opens the door.]
[Cut to: Slurm Production Chamber. They walk in and gasp. In the middle of the room is a huge worm wearing a crown and scoffing handfuls of Wumpus berries. Some worms massage the middle of her body and the secret ingredient comes out the other end of her and into Slurm cans.]
Bender: Oh, Lordy!
[Fry gulps back some more Slurm.]
Leela: Fry! [Fry realises what he is doing and spits the Slurm out and breathes a sigh of relief. Then he drinks some more.] Fry!
[He spits it out again and they watch the Slurm Queen producing the drink.]
Fry: That's the secret ingredient of Slurm?
Leela: That's the only ingredient of Slurm.
[He consoles himself by drinking from the can again. Leela knocks it out of his hand and the Slurm Queen turns around and roars. She hits them with her back end and they duck out of the way. She takes another swipe at Leela and she jumps out the way to Fry and Bender. The Slurm Queen takes another swing and they run out the door screaming. Fry runs back in to pick up the can of Slurm but the Slurm Queen knocks it out of his hands. He groans and runs out again.]
[Cut to: Wormulon Cave. The three run around a corner and guards fire their lasers at them. They come to a ravine and nearly fall into it.]
Bender: I'll save us! [He extends his arms and legs over the ravine and Fry and Leela run across him.] Oh, that feels good!
[They reach the other side and Bender retracts his arms and legs.]
Fry: Thanks, Bender!
[Bender coughs and Fry and Leela reluctantly hand him some cash.]
[Time Lapse. They run around another corner.]
Leela: [pointing] The exit! We made it.
[Cut to: Slurm Production Chamber. The "exit" leads back to where they began.]
Bender: Uh, Your Majesty, I brought the prisoners.
[Fry and Leela turn their heads towards him and Fry smiles. Glurmo appears from behind the Slurm Queen.]
Glurmo: Well, my curious friends, you learned the secret of Slurm. That concludes the portion of the tour where you stay alive.
Leela: You wish, you slimy worm! Hi-yah!
[She karate chops Glurmo's head off. The decapitated head grows a body and the body grows a head, forming two Glurmos. A guard hands the new head a hat. The Glurmos pin Leela to the floor. Guards point lasers at Fry and Bender's backs. Bender groans.]
Slurm Queen: Good work, Glurmo. You have pleased your queen.
Small Glurmo #2: Thank you, Your Majesty.
Small Glurmo #1: Thanks, ma'am.
Leela: How can you trick people into drinking something that comes out of your behind? It's disgusting.
Slurm Queen: Is it? Honey comes from a bee's behind. Milk comes from a cow's behind. And have you ever used toothpaste?
Fry: Whose behind does that come from?
Slurm Queen: You don't wanna know.
Bender: Look, we just came to party with Slurms MacKenzie. By the way, when is that scheduled?
Slurm Queen: (shouting) Never! [Bender groans.] To the torture cave!
[Scene: Torture Cave. Bender has been tied to a conveyor belt which moves towards a machine.]
Slurm Queen: You, my metal friend, will have the honour of becoming 174 Slurm cans.
Bender: Ah, this trip is turning into a big letdown.
[Leela is raised in a harness and suspended over a vat of purple goo. The Glurmos stand by a control unit.]
Slurm Queen: As for you, you will be submerged in Royal Slurm which, in a matter of minutes, will transform you into a Slurm Queen like myself.
Small Glurmo #1: But, Your Highness, she's a commoner. Her Slurm will taste foul.
Slurm Queen: Yes! Which is why we'll market it as New Slurm. Then, when everyone hates it, we'll bring back Slurm Classic, and make billions!
[She and the Glurmos laugh. Small Glurmo #1 pushes a lever down and Leela is lowered into the purple Slurm. Fry watches.]
Fry: What about me?
Slurm Queen: You are free to go.
Slurm Queen: If you can resist this concentrated super Slurm! [The Glurmos grab him and sit him in a chair in front of a tub. The Slurm Queen fills the tub with a dark green slime.] It's so delicious, you'll eat until you explode! Oh, which reminds me, put a tarp over that sofa, will you? Bon appétit!
[One of the Glurmos forces a spoonful of the Slurm into Fry's mouth. Fry struggles then smiles.]
Slurm Queen: Farewell! Oh, and congratulations again on winning the contest.
[She and the Glurmos laugh insanely and leave.]
Leela: Fry, untie us, quick!
Fry: Here I come. [He sees the tub of Slurm.] Let me just-- One more taste.
[He takes three.]
Leela: You pig. Stop stuffing your craw and save us.
[Fry walks towards her then changes his mind and sticks his head into the tub. Bender moves closer to the machine.]
Bender: I can't see what's happening. Are we boned?
Leela: Yeah, we're boned.
[Fry lifts his head out of the tub and looks around. He sees Bender then Leela then looks back at the Slurm, A tear trickles down his face and splashes into the Slurm.]
Fry: I can't stop eating this delicious ooze. But I'm not gonna let you die.
[He moves towards the control unit, dragging the tub with him and shovelling handfuls of Slurm into his mouth.]
Bender: What's happening? [Fry uses his foot to flick the lever up and the machine lifts Leela out of the vat. She runs over to the can machine and stops it. Fry wipes his brow and Bender breathes a sigh of relief.] Just in time!
[He looks down and screams. There is a hole in the middle of his casing. Fry looks through it. While he is distracted, Leela tips the tub of Slurm over and it disappears down a drain.]
Fry: (screaming) Nooo! [He sticks his head between the grate and tries to lick up the Slurm.] (talking) I could fit if I didn't have these damn arms!
[He starts gnawing at his arms. Leela lifts him up off the floor.]
[Scene: Wormulon Cave. The trio run through the tunnel.]
Leela: We're close to the exit. I can smell those filthy orange guys.
[Ahead of them is Slurms MacKenzie and the babes.]
Slurms: Stop right there!
Bender: Slurms MacKenzie?
Slurms: Shh! I want you to take me with you.
Fry: Say what?
Slurms: I'm partied out. All I want is to stay home and rent videos and watch them with a few friends. Is that so much to ask?
Bender: Forget it, pal. [He holds up the "You Win!" cap.] It says on this bottle-cap you have to party with us.
Slurms: Alright, when we get to Earth. But please don't invite too many people, I wanna keep it small.
Bender: No can do, Slurms!
[He pats him on the back. The cave starts to shake and the Slurm Queen bursts through the wall. Everyone screams.]
Slurms: This way!
[He ushers them into another part of the cave. A sign above reads "Danger Cave-In Area". The Slurm Queen follows but gets stuck. She squirts some Slurm around her body as lubricant and squeezes through.]
Leela: She's gaining on us.
[Slurms stops running.]
Slurms: Go on without me, I'll hold her off.
[Everyone else stops.]
Fry: But she'll crush you like a worm ... crushing a smaller worm.
Slurms: It's alright. I'm so tired of partying. So very tired. [He takes his shades off revealing his bloodshot eyes underneath.] I'll save you the only way I know how: By partying! [Dixie turns on Slurms' music and he starts to dance.] Babes.
Dixie: Yes, Mr. MacKenzie?
Slurms: You've served me well these 40 years, but this time I've got to party alone.
Slurms: There'll be other parties for you. Now go. Go!
[They run away and Slurms dances and the Slurm Queen closes in. The tunnel starts to collapse and Slurms turns the volume up to maximum. More rocks fall from the roof. Bender turns around.]
Bender: Party on, Slurms!
Slurms: Party on, contest winners. Party on.
[Bigger rocks falls from above and they pile up in the tunnel. One crushes Slurms and he yelps. The Slurm Queen slams into the pile of rocks.]
Slurm Queen: No! We're ruined! They know our disgusting secret!
[She cries. The Glurmos arrive in time to see her drinking her own Slurm.]
[Scene: The Planet Express ship speeds away from Wormulon.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Hermes, Zoidberg and Amy sit on the couch, Bender relaxes at his station while Fry and Farnsworth use the phone.]
Farnsworth: Commissioner, my crew has made a horrific discovery: It seems that Slurm is produced in a colossal worm hiney!
[On the screen, the commissioner sits in his office in front of a seal with "Bureau Of Soft Drinks, Tobacco, Firearms" written around it.]
Commissioner: [on screen] Hmm, "hiney", you say? Why, with your testimony we'll finally be able to outlaw this insidious Slurm.
Fry: Outlaw Slurm? [He looks at a can and runs between Farnsworth and the screen.] Uh, don't pay any attention to him, sir...
[Cut to: Commissioner's Office.]
Fry: [on screen] Grandpa's making up crazy stories again.
Farnsworth: [on screen] I'm not your grandpa, you're my uncle! From the year 2000!
[Fry makes the cuckoo gesture.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]
Commissioner: [patronising; on screen] OK, grandpa, we'll take care of the "bad worms", don't you worry.
[He grins and hangs up. Fry opens another can of Slurm.]
Fry: Ah, I just wish Slurms MacKenzie were here to enjoy this with me.
Bender: Yeah, that Slurms sure loved to party. Whattya say we all party one last time for him?
[Leela raises a can.]
Leela: For Slurms!
[The rest raise their cans.]
Amy: (simultaneous) For Slurms!
Bender: (simultaneous) For Slurms!
Farnsworth: (simultaneous) For Slurms!
Fry: (simultaneous) For Slurms!
Zoidberg: (simultaneous) Whammy-wazzle!
[Slurms' music plays and the babes run in from the side and start dancing. Bender drinks a can.]
Bender: Hey, that's not that bad.
[The Slurm trickles out of the hole in his casing. Fry lies on the floor underneath so the Slurm runs straight into his mouth.]
Special Appearance By
Pamela Anderson as Dixie