Fan Fiction

Zapp's Piratic Brother
By Superman

Morning at PE Headquarters.

Farnsworth: Good news everyone! You'll be delivering a crate of dog collars to Taffy 6, the planet of the dogs.

The PES is on its way to Taffy 6 when they pass Zapp Brannigan's ship. Aboard it, Kif has just finished brushing Zapp's teeth.

Zapp: Did you shine my shoes?

Kif: Yes.

Zapp: Polished my medals?

Kif: Yes.

Zapp: Cleaned my bathroom?

Kif: YES!! [to himself] I've done everything to that man except sexually satisfy him!

Back on the PES. Leela sees the Nimbus and turns away from it without speaking. They successfully make the delivery without screwing up. On the way back, an alarm goes off.

Fry: What's that?

Leela: I set the ship to notify us whenever another ship gets in our radar range.

Bender: I smell trouble.

The ship is now in visual range.

Leela: Oh no! It's pirates!

Fry: Aren't pirates supposed to be in the 17th century?

Leela: Yeah. We call these people pirates because they raid ships and take their cargo. There is no connection with the original pirates.

Suddenly one of the pirates appears on the TV screen right above the main controls.

Pirate: Ahoy, maties. Prepare to be docked. We shall take your cargo!

Leela: We don't have any cargo!

Fry: What will you do with aliens?

Pirate: We'll think about that. Surrender your ship now!

Leela: Not in your lifetime.

She tries to evade them by putting the pedal to the metal, but the pirates activate their tractor beam and the PES is towed in.

Fry: We surrender!

Pirate: Excellent.

The Nimbus. Zapp is sitting in his chair. Kif comes into the room.

Kif: Sir, we received an SOS signal from the Planet Express delivery ship.

Zapp[thinking to himself]: I know that that is Leela's ship. If I rescue her she will........[to Kif] Kif! Set up a course to the source of the SOS signal. We're on a mission to get me lucky!

Kif groans.

Back on the pirate ship. The captain has ordered Leela to report to his office. She enters his office. The captain is sitting in his chair, back turned to Leela, looking at the stars.

Captain: Ahhhh......you are here.

The chair turns around.

Leela: ZAPP?!

The captain looks exactly like Zapp, only wearing different clothes.

Captain: Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Doug Brannigan. I am Zapp's twin brother.

Leela: Zapp's got a twin brother?

Doug: I see that you have already met Zapp.

Leela: That is one way to put it.

Doug: I called you here because I wanted to apologize. My first officer sometimes gets a little excited. Rest assured, we are not planning to kill you.

Back on the Nimbus.

Zapp: How long is it going to be before we reach the source of the transmission?

Kif: Well, the signal is moving.

Zapp: Are we going to catch up with it?

Kif: Eventually, sir.

Zapp: Excellent. Soon I will have Leela over me like a fly over a pile of very seductive manure.

Back on the pirate ship. Leela and Doug are having dinner together.

Leela: So, how and why did you become a pirate?

Doug: We are all fugitives here. Men and robots who do not agree with the "You gotta do what you gotta do" rule. After seeing what type of job my moron brother was assigned to, and what job I was assigned to, I understood that the system sucks and went against it.

Leela: What was your job supposed to be?

Doug: A FOX executive.

Leela: Ouch.

Doug: Indeed. So I joined the crew of this vessel and became the captain after the previous captain died.

Suddenly, the first officer interrupts.

Pirate: Captain! We've just detected a huge ship following us. It's Zapp Brannigan's ship.

On the bridge of the pirate ship. Zapp appears on a TV screen while Kif stands in the background.

Zapp: Well well well, if it isn't my renegade brother.

Doug: Hello, dimwit!

Zapp: You have something I want.

Doug: Are you still holding a grudge on me for taking your toy train?

Zapp: No! Not that. I meant to to tell you that you have someone I want. You have my woman - Leela!

Leela[to Doug]: I am not his woman!

Doug: She is not your woman!

Zapp: Yes she is. We did it!

Doug: You what?

Zapp: Did it!!

Leela puts her hands over her face from shame.

Doug[to Leela]: You had sex with Zapp? What kind of a freak are you?

Leela[to Doug]: I am not a freak. That bastard seduced me!

Zapp: I demand Leela.

Doug: You won't get Leela or her companions.

Zapp: You always envied in what was mine.

Doug: I have had enough of this! Prepare to be destroyed!

Zapp: I will!

Leela runs offscreen.

Pirate: Do you want us to get her?

Doug: No, we've got a bigger problem on our hands. The ship's laser isn't powerful enough to get Zapp's ship; take out the big guns!

A vision of space. The sides of the pirate ship open and huge guns stick out of it. The Nimbus and the pirate ship fire upon one another. Back on the pirate ship the gang is running down a corridor. There are some explosions and metal pipes start falling from the ceiling. On the Nimbus' bridge there are also explosions. The PES leaves the cargo bay of the pirate ship as it and the Nimbus are still dogfighting. A few hours later the Nimbus' bridge is totally ruined. Zapp is looking outside when he sees the PES.

Zapp: Hey, that is Leela's ship! If we tow them to safety, I'll come out as a hero! Kif, activate the tractor beam!

Kif: I'm sorry sir, but the tractor beam was destroyed in the last battle.

Zapp: Shit!

Pirate ship's bridge. Also destroyed.

Doug: Fire! Fire! Give me more fire!

Pirate: Captain, she won't hold it. If I use any more power, she will blow.

Doug: Damn it!

Zapp appears on the screen.

Zapp: I give up, you win.

Doug: No, I give up, you win.

Zapp: It's a tie. Until next time, brother! [to Kif] Kif, take us out of here. [falls down]

Kif: What's the destination, sir?

Zapp[stands up]: The repair decks......and perhaps, the emergency room. [falls down again]

The PES lands at the PE Headquarters and the gang gets out of the ship.

Fry: Thank god that's over with. I think that go to sleep for a week.

Hermes: No you won't. A package just came in.

Leela, Fry, and Bender: Aaaawwwwww!!!!!!!!