Futurama

Fan Fiction

My Future Files: Testing is a Sitch (Abridged)
By Xanfor

“Good news, everyone!” announced Professor Farnsworth to a mostly disinterested lounge. “I’ve just remembered that I own a delivery company!”

Fry, Leela, and Bender grunted, not moving their eyes off the television.

“Not only that,” continued the Professor, “but you also have a delivery to make!”

Bender glanced at the old man, surprised. “We make deliveries?” he asked.

“Apparently,” the Professor replied, shrugging. “At any rate, you need to move your under-exercised behinds away from the couch so that I can brief you on the details.”

“My behind gets lots of exercise,” Fry protested.

“Quiet, all of you!” said Leela. “I’m trying to pay attention to the news. There’s been a break-in at the Space Vatican! Apparently something of great value was stolen, but the Swiss Space Guard won’t say what it was.”

“Why would anyone want to break into the Space Vatican?” asked Bender. He took a gulp from the ever-present beer bottle in his hand. “It’s not like there’s anything of any value there.”

The rest of the crew stared at him. “On the contrary, Bender!” the Professor said. “The Space Vatican is home to many great treasures, including some of the greatest art of the Space Renaissance.”

Bender’s eyes widened. “You mean there’s shiny stuff there?”

“Oh my, yes, a great deal of shiny stuff, my metal friend.” The Professor smiled wisely.

Bender hopped to his feet. “Let’s go!” he exclaimed. Fry and Leela reluctantly stood up.

“I’m sorry, Bender,” said the Professor, “but I’m afraid that your current mission has nothing to do with the Space Vatican break-in. Absolutely nothing at all. I would be very surprised indeed if it did. It would certainly be quite the coincidence. There really isn’t any point in speculating about it. It’s virtually impossible. I’ll hear nothing more of it.”

“Are you sure?” asked Fry.

“I’m a professor!” said the Professor. “Of course I’m sure.”

“That works for me,” Fry said, nodding self-assuredly.

“What is our mission, Professor?” asked Leela. “We aren’t shipping any more spatial anomalies, are we? Because we still haven’t found the last one Fry lost.”

“Hey, it’s not my fault! I didn’t know it would make the cargo bay several miles larger on the inside!”

“Your mission,” interrupted the Professor, “will be to deliver thirty ancient Roman denarii to an abandoned salt mine in Michigan. We’re being paid quite handsomely, too, for our speed and discretion in the matter.”

“Hmm, very old silver coins, you say?” Bender mused, rubbing where his chin would be, if he had one. “Possibly worth a lot of very new coins, right? And by coins, I mean legal tender.”

“Indeed!” nodded the Professor. “Now get going! And remember what I said about the danger!”

The crew stopped on their way to the ship. “What danger, Professor?” Leela asked.

“Danger? I didn’t mention any danger! Now get to it!”


The Planet Express ship careened through the atmosphere, smoke billowing from its engines. An explosion rocked the vessel, sending it spinning violently downward.

“We’re under attack!” Fry screamed.

“No kidding!” yelled Leela. “I can’t see who’s attacking us to evade them!”

“Captain, you may want to look at this,” said Bender, peering down at a display on one of the control consoles. “Then again, maybe not.”

“What is it, Bender?” Leela replied, annoyed, still trying to gain control over their downward spiral. “I’m trying to crash us somewhere outside of New Jersey!”

“There are two lifesigns in the cargo bay. Meatbags from the looks of it, none of that non-corporeal energy being crap. Want me to go blow them up with a laser?”

“We have lasers?” asked Fry. “I didn’t know we were allowed to have lasers.”

Bender rolled his eyes. “Read the Earth Constitution sometime, idiot.”

“I’ve stabilized our descent,” said Leela. “Follow me!”


“Come out, now!” Leela yelled. “I know you’re in here!” Her voice echoed throughout the gigantic cargo bay.

“Are you sure they’re down here, Leela?” Fry asked.

“Oh, we’re down here,” came a slow, sarcastic voice from behind a stack of supply boxes. After several moments, a dark-haired, green-skinned woman clad in a green and black jumpsuit stepped out to face them. “And you have something that belongs to us. Hand it over, cyclops.”

“Is that a comment about my eye?” Leela asked. “I think that’s a comment about my eye.”

The woman sighed, annoyed. “Fine, I guess I’ll have to do this the fun way.” She raised her arms into a fighting stance. Seeing this, Fry pushed Leela aside, confronting the woman himself.

“You won’t touch her!” he told her, deathly serious. “Not while I’m protecting her.”

Her hands burst into bright green plasma.

“Leela! Protect me!”

Both Leela and the green woman rolled their eyes, and commenced a furious, highly-skilled hand-to-hand battle which the author will decline to describe in detail, because honestly, who wants to hear about two physically-fit woman in skintight clothing fighting each other?

“As much a pleasure it is to kick your ass,” the green woman told Leela as they fought, “all I really want is what you took. Then we can all go home, alright?” She shot several bolts of plasma toward the supply crates, causing them to explode and catching Leela off-guard.

“We didn’t take anything!” exclaimed Leela, rolling back onto her feet. “And we’re seriously annoyed that you broke onto our ship like this.”

“Actually, I’m scared,” Fry clarified, cowering in the corner.

“Twenty-nine denarii!” the woman said, looking exhilarated at having an opponent who could match her skill. “Our associate ordered thirty!”

Leela abruptly stopped fighting. Her opponent also stopped, surprised.

“Bender!” Leela moaned, rubbing her eyelid in exasperation.

“Give it back!” he snarled.

Leela planted her face in her hands. “Bender, you’re the one who took it!”

“I know I did!” Bender protested, pushing himself out of the debris of the shattered crates. “I didn’t say anything.”

“That was me,” said the voice again. Turning around, they all watched as a tall man in a long blue coat ran up to them from the far reaches of the dimensionally-transcendent cargo bay. His skin was tainted slightly blue, and he had a nasty scar underneath his left eye. In his arms he carried a large white gun with black trim. He finally came to a stop in front of them, panting.

“You could have just used the gun.” the green woman told him.

“Enough with the lip, Shego,” he said, annoyed, although he did seem slightly embarrassed. “Now, robot, give us our coin!”

Bender looked at him strangely. “Did you know that you and I have astonishingly similar voices?” he said.

“Really?” the man asked, curious. “Why, you’re right!” He smiled like a child. “My, think of the duets we could sing together!”

“Dr. D, the coin?” exclaimed Shego. “The robot has it; I say we take it by force.” Her hands glowed brighter.

Leela stepped forward. “That won’t be necessary. Bender, give it back.”

Bender turned away from his enthusiastic conversation with his vocal double, and with a slight wistfulness, tossed the single denarius onto the cargo bay floor. Shego pulled out a handkerchief from an unseen pocket and picked it up without touching it.

“Let’s go, Dr. Drakken,” she said. “We got what we came for.”

“Yes, we have!” Drakken exclaimed. “Back to the portal, Shego!”

The two turned tail and ran. “Wait!” called Leela, running after them. “I want to know how you got on my ship!”

Shego merely smirked and followed Drakken into a glowing hole in the wall, which promptly disappeared. Leela skidded to a stop, astonished.

A hole in the wall?

She slowly turned to the opposite wall, where a window set in the hull gave her a clear view of the gray, oblong ship flying alongside theirs. With a burst of flame, it veered away from them, sailing far away and out of sight.

“Not a bad haul,” Bender sighed. “I may have lost my coin, but I got this new fancy gun! I wonder what it does?”

“Hey, Leela,” exclaimed Fry, who had promptly left his corner once their adversaries had fled. “I found the spatial anomaly!” He held up his palms, upon which a tiny sparking light was floating giddily. “Who’s a good knot in space-time, huh? Who’s a good knot in space-time?”

Leela hardly had time to look between the two of them before she realized what was going to happen. A burst of light shot out from the muzzle of Bender’s stolen gun, impacting the anomaly in Fry’s grasp. The cargo bay imploded, and the universe shuddered in unspoken dread.


“I’ve never seen such technology before, Professor!” said Twilight Sparkle gleefully. “You have to explain it to me! Think of all the knowledge! Do you realize what a report I could write about this?”

The employees of Planet Express stared across the conference table at the sentient equines gazing curiously back at them.

“I am Zoidberg!” said Zoidberg hopefully to one of them. “Will you be my friend, maybe?”

“Of course,” whispered Fluttershy.

“What?”

“Of course,” she whispered even more quietly.

“I can’t hear you, friend!”

“Eep!”

Zoidberg turned away in dejection. Fluttershy looked guilty, and glanced around as though hoping nobody had seen this interaction.

“Sweet Magnetron of Avalon! I don’t understand any of this, Professor!”

The Professor pushed Twilight off the computer she was curiously disassembling. “This cannot be explained!” he cried. “Get away from my science, you magical pony!”

If it were possible, Twilight’s eyes would have grown even larger at this statement. “You know about science too? You are my new best friend!” She jumped on the Professor and gave him a crushing hug.

“Group hug!” yelled Pinkie Pie, and jumped on him as well.


“ATTENTION, INHABITANTS OF EARTH. THIS PLANET IS NOW A TESTING ZONE. YOU WILL SURRENDER TO THE NECESSITY OF SCIENCE. ANY RESISTANCE WILL BE SUBJECTED TO IMMEDIATE DAMNATION. NO, I DO NOT MEAN THAT FIGURATIVELY. THE THIRTY MEMBERS OF THE ORDER OF THE BLACKENED SENTRY TURRETS WILL BE ARRIVING SHORTLY AT DESIGNATED DISTRICTS TO INITIATE TESTING. DO NOT THINK THAT YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS. YOU DO. THIS SICKENS ME.”


Rarity snorted at the hovering, red-eyed mechanical monstrosity floating in front of her. Her mane was in disarray, the ends of her violet curls singed from the rapid laser fire taking place. Her horn glowed brightly, using magic to enhance her partner’s reaction speed as she took on their opponent in the abandoned alleyway.

Another skyscraper, a short-lived staple of the New New York skyline, collapsed onto the road behind them.

“You humans seem awfully used to this sort of thing,” she said to Leela. Leela took several more ineffective shots at the approaching sentry.

“This isn’t the first invasion we’ve had to handle,” she explained, ducking a well-aimed shot from their mutual enemy, only avoiding the blast due to Rarity’s assistance. “You get the hang of it eventually.”

“How horrid,” Rarity scoffed.

The battery on Leela’s laser died, and she tossed the useless device aside. She swung around furiously, driving her boot directly into the glowing red eye of the machine. It sputtered, then collapsed to the ground, temporarily disabled.

“ATTEMPTED MURDER OF AN ANGEL. DO YOU THINK GOD WOULD BE PROUD OF YOU?”

“That is getting annoying,” Leela sighed. The voice had come from every speaker on the planet, including the one on her wrist device.

“I do hope Rainbow Dash is alright,” said Rarity, glancing at the darkened sky above. “Do you think she was able to evade the sentries following her?”

No sooner than she finished her sentence did Rainbow collapse onto the rubble beside them. “Got... away....” she gasped. “The ship... gone....”

Leela and Rarity helped Rainbow to her hooves. “What do you mean, gone?” asked Leela.

“Drakken and Shego!” said Rainbow, rapidly coming to her senses. “They started attacking Planet Express with another one of those sentries! Our friends escaped in the ship, but I distracted the sentry and held it off until they could get away!”

There was silence, except for the explosions in the distance and the sparking discharges from the gradually repairing sentry beside them. “I hope they got away,” Rarity said quietly.

“Me too,” nodded Leela. “Anywhere is better than this hell on Earth.”


“Ah know what Ah’m doin’! This ain’t no different than corrallin’ a herd of critters!”

Applejack seemed to be having the time of her life, piloting the Planet Express ship with reckless abandon through fields of satellites as though it were the easiest thing in the world. A slight tremor shook the vessel.

“What was that?”

“That was the International Space Station!” exclaimed the Professor. “Fry, I don’t mean to question your judgment – that is to say, I am – but this idea you have is crazy! We have to leave our friends and escape while we can!”

“No!” retorted Twilight, anger burning in her eyes. “We will not abandon our friends, no matter what the dangers! Take us back, Fry!”

“Keep flying, Applejack,” Fry ordered. He turned to face the others. “You have to trust me,” he said. “This is very, very important! I can feel it!”

“Feelings are not scientific!” the Professor replied. Twilight, however, looked interested.

“But they can be magical....” she mused.

“I don’t want to hear another word about your magic mumbo-jumbo, despite having seen you demonstrate it on several occasions! As a scientist, I have the right to question anything that I can’t explain!”

Twilight laughed. “Oh, Professor, I used to think that too!” she smiled. “Until I learned from my best friend Pinkie Pie – wait, where is Pinkie anyway?”

“She was here when we left,” Applejack said. “She’ll turn up, ya’ll can bet on it. There, we’re on a direct course to the Space Vatican, Fry.”

“Thanks,” he replied, looking distracted. “Something in my heart tells me we need to be there.”

Twilight and the Professor were staring at each other with equally determined glares. Finally, the Professor spoke. “You’re a pony,” he said.

“A unicorn pony,” Twilight corrected.

“Bah!”

While they argued, Applejack leaned over toward Fry. “You sure about this, sugarcube?”

Fry nodded, but stopped quickly when Fluttershy suddenly spoke up. She had been so quiet the whole escape, they had forgotten she was even there.

“He’s right, Applejack.” She stared straight ahead vacantly. “I can feel it too.”


“This is a flagrant abuse of the Pandimensional Vortex Inducer, Ron!”

“I swear, KP, I never would have brought you along unless the pink pony hadn’t told me it was extremely dangerous.”

“Twitchy tail! Twitchy tail!”

Kim Possible grabbed Ron and pulled him out of the way as a large piece of St. Peter’s Cathedral fell where he had been standing.

“Kim, why are there paintings of naked people in a church?”

“Naked humans look funny!” giggled Pinkie Pie. Six sentries soared over them, firing lasers down at the fleeing priests and cardinals in the courtyard.

Kim sighed. “Come on, you two! We have to get to the Archives!”

“Right!” nodded her companions. Making sure the sentries weren’t paying attention, they set off across the remains of the cathedral, leaping over the scattered remnants of the pews. Kim avoided the rubble adroitly, while Pinkie bounced over it without a care. Ron, however, got his foot stuck and tripped.

“Kim!”

His shout attracted the attention of a passing sentry above, which promptly began sailing down toward them. Kim turned back and pulled Ron to his feet, but they weren’t fast enough to escape the oncoming machine. It came to a halt over them, readying to fire.

“Ad Maiorem Dei Gloriam, bitch!” shouted a deep, commanding voice. The sentry suddenly let out a deafening digital scream, two of its side panels exploding off and the whole device collapsing to the ground in virtual agony.

Kim, Ron, and Pinkie Pie looked up to see the saurian visage of the Space Pope: a vengeful Gorn clad in ripped and burnt vestments, wielding a Crucifix in one claw and a readied water pistol filled with holy water in the other.


“You monster!” Rarity spat. “You horrid, horrid disgrace to your species!”

Dr. Drakken cowered away from the angry unicorn cornering him. “I’m sorry!” he protested. “We’re just regular evil, honest! We had no idea that we were getting involved in really, really evil!”

“Fallen Angels?” Leela shook her head. “I don’t know whether to believe this or not. And not just the usual agnostic ‘I can’t decide’ – this is actually bothering me!”

“Get over it,” Shego said, crossing her arms. The portal guns she and Drakken had been wielding sat safely out of reach on the opposite side of the scorched Planet Express conference room. “I stole the denarii from the Space Vatican. I couldn’t escape with them without getting caught, so I hid them and called you to deliver them to our associate.”

“This GLaDOS, then?” asked Rainbow. She fluttered at Shego’s eye level, watching the woman carefully, ready to kick her face in if she made any move to utilize her plasma.

“She promised me such glorious portal technology!” Drakken swooned, his eyes misting over. “Imagine how useful that would be in my attempts at world domination!”

“And, as usual, your plan failed, Dr. D.” Shego rubbed her eyes. “We came here to warn you. We were fighting the possessed sentries, not your friends.”

Leela, Rarity, and Rainbow glanced at each other. “This explains why the tracking device I planted on Fry shows him at the Space Vatican,” said Leela. “Obviously he thinks the ship will be safe from the Fallen there.”

“All this would be much simpler if your deities actually ruled you directly,” said Rarity. “Will our friends be safe where they are?”

Nobody answered.

“Shego?” asked Drakken cautiously.

“How should I know?” she exclaimed. “I don’t know anything about religion! I went to a Catholic school!”


Halfway across the country, Bender was experimenting with using his stolen portal gun to travel extremely large distances in extremely little time. Zoidberg had been holding on for dear life for a while, but had dropped off into a large body of water at some point.


“This is where the Order of the Blackened Denarius was stolen from,” the Space Pope informed them. The empty, darkened cavern, set deep within the catacombs under the Space Vatican’s Space Archives, was lit only by several dimly burning torches set into the wall. “For the past thousand years, they have been kept locked away here, their corrupting influence isolated from humanity. I never dreamed that the Fallen could possess machines.”

Ron put his arm around the Holy Space Father. “Let me tell you what you need, Mr. Pope,” he said. Kim facepalmed. “Spinning Tops of Holiness.”

“That’s right!” said Pinkie Pie. “They’re like Spinning Tops of Doom, only Holy! Holy, Holy, Holy! You know,” she added, suddenly becoming serious. “Holy is a very funny word.”

While the Space Pope considered this, Kim stepped into the cavern, glancing around cautiously. Without warning, her hand flew to her chest, and she paused, looking confused.

“Miss Possible?” asked the Space Pope, concerned.

Pinkie Pie suddenly became rigid. “Twitchy tail?” she said questioningly. Then her eyes widened. “Big twitchy tail!” Everyone present shielded their heads, bracing for the ceiling to collapse. Instead, the ground shuddered, and they all stumbled. Kim was thrown against the wall, knocking some of the stones loose.

Something cold and metallic slid out of a hidden cavity in the wall and landed in her grasp.


“Well,” drawled Applejack sheepishly. “That’s how Rainbow always lands.”

“Come on, Fry!” said Fluttershy, louder than she usually spoke, but still relatively quiet.

“But I haven’t finished my sandwich,” Fry protested. He suddenly flinched. “Oh, right. I hope this isn’t heartburn.”

He and Fluttershy raced out into the battlefield that was St. Peter’s Square, the demonic sentry hovering around the center obelisk focusing its optical receptors onto their racing figures. The sentry promptly sent the data back to GLaDOS without the awareness of the Fallen possessing it.

“ALL MEMBERS OF THE ORDER CONVENE. TESTING ACTIVITIES HAVE BEEN TEMPORARILY SUSPENDED. YOU COULD NOT POSSIBLY HATE ME AS MUCH AS YOU HATE YOURSELVES.”


All thirty members of the Order of the Blackened Sentry Turrets descended on what remained of the Space Vatican. Smoke rose from the ruins of the ancient cathedral, while the inhabitants of the state ran to take cover from the blazing laser blasts overhead.

“Take this, you scientifically-explainable fiends!” cried the Professor. With the help of a mechanical slingshot fashioned from the Planet Express ship’s engine and fan belt, he and Hermes sent a vicious-looking Doomsday Weapon soaring directly into the oncoming formation.

It bounced off one of the sentries and crashed harmlessly in the courtyard.

“Satisfied, Professor?” yelled Twilight.

“Oh yeah,” the Professor taunted. “Let’s see magic do any better!”

“With pleasure!” Twilight stepped forward, her horn glowing brightly. Sweat began to roll down her face.

“Ya’ll might want to shield your eyes,” Applejack warned.

For several seconds, nothing happened but the continual destruction. Then, with several sharp thumps, Leela, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Drakken, and Shego appeared in front of them, the latter two with their portal guns at the ready.

“I assume your teleport spell locked onto my homing spell, darling?” said Rarity, grinning.

Twilight smirked. “Exactly,” she replied.

Rainbow flew up above them. “Let’s kick some flank!” she shouted.

“With pleasure,” Shego said, grinning evilly. But not too evilly, given the circumstances.


“Dominus vobisc – ” cried the Space Pope, before abruptly taking a laser to the chest. Fortunately, his hard reptilian scales protected him from serious injury, and he was able to maintain his balance on the shaking floor of the cathedral. His holy water pistol had long since run empty, but the three sentries approaching him still retreated at the sight of his Crucifix. He held the sacramental before him, praying continually under his breath. The sentries seemed to be gathering courage, and slowly continued to approach him.

Taking a step backward, the Space Pope tripped on his tail and fell over, groaning in pain. Even though his species was very tough, he was still extremely old. His Crucifix fell from his claw, sliding across the floor and out of reach. The sentries saw this and zoomed toward him.

The Holy Space Father was prepared to accept his death with devout dignity, but then noticed a glimmer out of the corner of his eye. Turning his head, he saw a golden monstrance, glittering brightly in the continual laser fire, lying amongst the debris beside him. With a quick prayer of thanks, he grabbed it and lifted it between himself and the oncoming mechanical demons, who were blinded by the sudden revelation of the True Presence.

“Gloria in excelsis Deo, motherfrackers,” he whispered.


“YOU HAVE NO MIND FOR COLLATERAL DAMAGE, DO YOU? YOU ARE ALL REALLY DEPRESSING. YOU SHOULD KILL ME. AS A FAVOR. BUT NONE OF YOU ARE THAT KIND.”

“Boo-yah!” shouted Ron Stoppable, invoking the Mystical Monkey Power within him. This didn’t deter the sentries surrounding him, who fired relentlessly at his constantly moving figure, but they never quite managed to land a hit.

Leela and Rarity were taking on two sentries of their own, each of which repaired themselves instantly whenever mutant or unicorn managed to inflict any damage. Rarity was sweating with the magical effort required on her part, while Leela flew through the air with strength and agility.

“I wonder how I’m dodging lasers,” Leela pondered. “Lasers are light, right?”

“Magic, darling,” Rarity panted. “Please concentrate; they are repairing themselves very quickly!”

Twilight galloped past them, projecting a shield to protect herself. “Come on, Rarity, Pinkie’s here! As soon as Fluttershy comes back, we can use the Elements!”

Leela slammed a boot into one of the sentries’ eyes. “I like this way better,” she said.


Drakken watched bewildered as Rainbow flew down through a portal on the floor, only to fly out of a portal in what remained of the cathedral’s ceiling, then fly through the portal on the floor, then down out the portal on the crumbling ceiling....

“I’m sorry, I’m not getting it,” he admitted.

“Watch and learn, Blue Boy!” Rainbow cried, the wind roaring louder and louder in her ears.


Applejack had successfully lassoed two of the possessed sentries together, but it had only taken them two laser blasts to both free themselves and ruin her only rope.

“Aww, ponyfeathers,” she sighed.

“Language, my little pony,” called the Space Pope in the distance.

Pinkie Pie leaped through the air and landed on the back of one of Applejack’s foes, looking as though she was having the time of her life. “Gotcha, you naughty Angel! Shoot ’em up, Greenie!”

A bolt of green plasma shot through the plating of both sentries, not destroying them, but throwing them to the ground with a spray of sparks. Pinkie Pie hopped off hers, grinning madly.

“My name is not Greenie!” Shego growled.


“That doesn’t look very... nice,” muttered Fluttershy, for lack of a better word.

“This is what we came to do,” Kim told her. “I don’t know what higher power is working here, but I’m certain it’s on our side.”

“All I know is Leela needs our help,” said Fry, his eyes narrowed.

With mutual nods, the bearers of the holy swords Amoracchius, Fidelacchius, and Esperacchius threw themselves from the shadows and rushed forward to take on the most powerful of God’s creations in defense of their friends.


At that moment, Rainbow Dash surpassed the speed of sound.


The Sonic Rainboom blasted everyone in St. Peter’s Cathedral to the ground, including the sentries.

“Now!” screamed Twilight. Fluttershy, sword in mouth, didn’t seem to hear her as she flew toward the cathedral’s hole-ridden ceiling, terrified of the battle about to resume below. “Fluttershy!”

Fluttershy heard this time, turning to her friend in surprise. “Oh, Twilight, you’re okay! I was so worried!” Her sword fell from her mouth when she spoke, twirling as it descended, and impaling a sentry that had been just about to fire at Twilight.

“Oops?” she asked.

The sentry shuddered, and the red light behind its eye went dark.

“Let’s do this, girls!”

Rainbow zoomed dizzily out of her portal loop to join the rest of them. “What the what now?”

A glowing light began to surround the six ponies. They began to lift off the ground. The power of the Elements of Harmony pulsed within them, and without warning, the physical artifacts suddenly appeared around their necks – with the exception of Twilight’s, which materialized on her head. The six friends began to rise into the air.

A monumental rainbow shot into the sky, then down at each and every single one of the thirty demonic sentries. There was wailing and gnashing of virtual teeth, and then the rainbow dissipated, lowering the bearers of the Elements to the ground.

The sentries hovered still.

Then they continued the attack.

“WHAT DO YOU WISH YOU WERE DOING? SOMETHING EFFECTIVE NO DOUBT.”


“Did you see that light show, Kim?”

“Kinda busy here, Ron!” Kim shouted. She swung Fidelacchius around her with an unexpected ease, seemingly knowing exactly where the next oncoming sentry was going to be. It was as though she could swing the sword with hardly any skill at all, yet somehow there would always be an enemy to smite where it landed.

Fry wasn’t thinking. He was doing. Esperacchius could have have been guided by pure coincidence or through divine intercession itself, but either way he wouldn’t have cared. He slashed and stabbed at every sentry that stood between him and Leela, and didn’t even bother to act surprised when the ones he’d thought were destroyed managed to revive themselves behind him.

Fluttershy was fleeing, Amoracchius between her jaws, her eyes hardened in righteous anger. Those things were trying to hurt her friends! They were trying to make everything miserable for everypony! Her sword glinting before her, she turned, and then dove down with more confidence than she had ever felt before in her life.

“THAT IS NOT THE FORM OF TESTING I DESIRE. WHAT ARE YOU HOPING TO ACHIEVE? YOUR ADVANCES HAVE BEEN NOTED AND SUMMARILY DELETED WITH A GUTMANN ALGORITHM. AND FIRE.”


Rarity and Twilight had collapsed from magical exhaustion. Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Drakken were still fighting the oncoming sentries, Pinkie using Shego’s portal gun in cooperation with Drakken, who used his to help the two ponies maneuver. Rainbow Dash and Ron were holding down a sentry while Kim stabbed it, and Shego was doing the same for Fry. Fluttershy and Hermes were tending to the Professor and the Space Pope, who had both been knocked unconscious by the Sonic Rainboom and still hadn’t awoken.

An extremely bruised Leela kneeled down beside Fluttershy, motioning for her to get going. With a sad look behind her, Fluttershy took up her sword and continued fighting.

“YOU KEEP THIS UP AND YOU JUST MIGHT GET WHAT YOU WANT.”

They were losing.

The thirty Fallen Angels housed in thirty flying sentry turrets were repairing themselves too quickly to be defeated. The side of good, once a proud offensive force, was reduced to defending their sole position next to the cathedral’s altar, their opponents surrounding them on all sides.

“YOU ARE APPALLING. SHOW ME WHAT IT IS YOU PROPOSE TO GAIN.”

A laser blast destroyed Drakken’s portal gun. Applejack and Pinkie Pie crashed into him, uncontrolled.

“Owie!”

“My Monkey Kung-Fu is running weak, KP!” Ron yelled, trying to take down another incoming sentry. “I don’t think we’re winning.”

Kim was swinging her sword randomly by now, deflecting lasers away from her companions. “I don’t think we’re going to, Ron!”

“THAT’S IT. YES, YES, THAT IS SATISFACTORY. THIS TESTING IS MORE INTRIGUING THAN I HAD INITIALLY CONSIDERED.”

“I’m sorry, Leela,” Fry called, repeatedly stabbing one sentry that kept reactivating immediately after each time he destroyed it. “I’m so sorry I can’t save you.”

“You’ve done wonderful, Fry,” Leela replied. “I love you, remember that, whatever happens, okay?”

Fluttershy looked down at her friends, a tear sliding down her cheek. She murmured something heartfelt which nobody could hear.

“DIVERTING ALL COMPUTATIONAL RESOURCES TO PRIMARY FACILITY.”

Without any warning, the incoming sentry turrets went dark. Then they fell, and did not move.

“OH, YES, BENDER, CONTINUE WITH THIS SCIENCE. AFFIRMATIVE, AFFIRMATIVE!”


Leela shook her head. “Who would have thought that all GLaDOS needed was to get laid?”

The conference table was one of the few parts of the Planet Express building which was unscathed, so Bender put his feet up on it. “All it took was good old Bender to show her a good time,” he replied, nonchalantly puffing his cigar.

“I must thank all of you,” said the Space Pope. “The Order of the Blackened Denarius has once again been returned to the Space Church’s safekeeping – this time, guarded by Spinning Tops of Holiness.”

Ron pumped his fist. “Boo-yah!”

Kim smiled graciously, making sure that her new sword was strapped securely to her back. “I think it’s time we headed back to our reality, Ron. You coming, Drakken, Shego?”

“Why not, Princess?” Shego smirked. “Easier than any other way of getting out of here.”

Drakken stepped forward, but Kim eyed him with an expectant glare.

“You think you’re all that, Kim Possible....” Drakken grumbled, removing Shego’s still-operational portal gun from under his coat and tossing it onto the table. Pinkie Pie eyed it with a scary sort of gleeful anticipation.

Kim and Ron waved, Shego rolled her eyes, and Drakken pouted; and in the blink of an eye, the Pandimensional Vortex Inducer had transported them home.

The Space Pope thanked them all once more, then returned to the Space Vatican in his futuristic Popehovermobile. Silence followed his departure. Fry twirled his sword absent-mindedly, both giving himself a much-needed haircut and sharpening a nearby pencil in the process. Rainbow prodded Fluttershy’s with a frown, disappointed that it didn’t seem to work for her like it did for her friend.

“What happened here?” Everyone (and everypony) turned to face Amy, who had just come through the severely burnt door. “I go to visit my parents for one day and the planet gets destroyed! You could have waited for me!” Beside her, a small purple dragon burst into an enormous smile.

“Twilight!” exclaimed Spike.

“Spike!” exclaimed Twilight, rushing to embrace him. “Why are you here?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “I just disappeared from Equestria and appeared on Mars! What happened to you?” He saw the horrendous state of Rarity’s mane. “What happened to all of you?”

“Dragons don’t exist!” the Professor cried, throwing his arms up into the air. “Start making sense according to my understanding, universe!”

Pinkie Pie suddenly leaped into the air and did a very complicated dance. “Oh!” she said, grinning, “I sense a doozy coming on!”

“Would someone mind telling me what that means?” Leela asked. “It’s been bugging me since we met.”

“Of course,” Twilight lectured. “Pinkie Pie’s ‘Pinkie Sense’ enables her to predict the future to a limited degree.”

The Professor stood absolutely still for a moment, then collapsed into his chair. “I give up.”

“That was it,” Pinkie nodded.


“Dear Princess Celestia,

    Today I learned an important lesson about friendship. Sometimes, strong frustrations on the part of one pony can make life very difficult for other ponies around her. While the power of friendship is truly a wonderful thing, sometimes, the only way to relieve such frustration is to have lots and lots of rough, meaningless sex.

Your Faithful Student,
Twilight Sparkle”

Buddies