Fan Fiction

Wouldn't It Be Nice If...
By BumbleBeeTheta

Part One: “Fry Knows Best”

Here’s my plan:
I’ll show him what bliss is.
Welcome him with kisses
‘Cos this is a Mrs. that misses her man.
He’s my Xander and he’s awfully swell.
It makes financial sense as well.
Although, he can be-
I’ll never tell.
Just stand aside.
Here comes the bride.
I’ll be Mrs.
I will be his Mrs.

“Missus” from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (“Selfless”)


Scene: Professor’s lab.

(Once again, the Professor has called everyone in to take a gander at the What If machine.  He stands by his worktable where the machine sits.  Hooked up to the machine is what looks like a treadmill, except it is glowing bright blue.  Beside the What If machine is a helmet and a pair of goggles.  The crew stands around the Professor in a semi-circle; their emotions ranging from bored to uneasy.)  

Professor:  Now, I’m sure you’re wondering why I’ve called you here.

Bender: No.

Professor: (ignoring him) I’ve created a new way to experience the What If machine and I want one of you to try it.

Leela:  Why don’t you try it yourself?

Professor:  And expose myself to harmful radiation?  Oh, my, no.  Now, Fry, would you mind going first?

Fry: (hesitating) Is it safe?

Professor:  Of course! (He picks up the helmet and goggles and hands them to Fry) Now, put these-

Bender:  Whoa, whoa!  I’m supposed to go first!  Me, loveable old Bender!

Professor:  I’m sorry, Bender, but I need someone who isn’t an essential part of the crew.

Fry:  You mean important, right?

Professor:  Sure, whatever.  (He motions to the “treadmill”.) This is my newest invention, the Realitasy-a-lator.  But hooking this up to the What If machine and axing a question, it’s possible to experience the What If as though you were actually taking part in the fantasy.

Fry:  I wasn’t listening.  What’d you say?

Leela:  He means if you swim in the What If, you can actually *feel* like you’re swimming.

Hermes:  Like if you stapled your finger accidentally while filin’ and collatin’ papers, you’d feel pain.

Zoidberg:  Or actually know what eating a full meal twice a day is like!

Fry:  Oh…okay.

(He puts the helmet and goggles on.)

Fry:  Now, what do I do?

Professor:  Stand on the Realitasy-a-lator and axe a question in the direction of the microphone, while I try to find the button to turn it on.

(Fry steps onto the Realitasy-a-lator and adjusts the helmet as the Professor fumbles around in his pockets.)

Fry:  Okay…make this count.  It’s gotta be something amazing, something no one’s ever felt or thought of before…I know! (To the machine)  What if Leela and I were married…again?

(The Professor hits a button on a small blue remote, which activates the Realitasy-a-lator.  It begins making a whirring sound.  The crew focuses their attention on the What If screen.)

Fade in to the second floor of a prim, neat house.

(Fry stands at the top of the stairs, wearing a suit and a tie.)

Fry:  Hm…classy.  I have to make sure the man reflects the suit he’s wearing.  I have to walk down these stairs like I’m better than they are.  (He lifts his foot.)  That’s one small-

(He trips and rolls down the stairs, landing with a thud in the foyer.)

Fry: Oof!

Leela: (OS) Fry, is that you?

Fry: (sotto) That’s Leela!  It worked! (To Leela) Uh…yeah…honey.  I just…lost my balance.

(He gets up and walks through the living room into the kitchen, which mirrors the Cleavers’ kitchen in “Leave It to Beaver.”  Leela stands at the counter, taking some plates out of the pantry.  She wears a mint green below-the-knees dress that poofs out quite a bit.)

Leela:  Good morning.  How are you?

Fry:  Eh, a little tired.  I’m still feeling sleepy.

(Leela places the plates down on the counter and turns to him.)

Leela: (slyly, “walking” her fingers down his tie) Well, that’s understandable.  You didn’t get much sleep last night.

Fry: (Equally sly) Sounds like someone got lucky.

Leela:  You could say that.  Hard to believe I’ll have to wait a while to do that again.

Fry:  What makes you say that?

Leela: Well, last night WAS our anniversary.

Fry:  So?

(A girl of about five walks in.  She has Fry’s orange hair down to her shoulders and Leela’s eye.  Leela bends down to her eye level.  She is Jessie.)

Leela:  Good morning, sweetie.

Jessie:  Morning, Mommy.  What day is it?

Leela:  It’s February 10th.

(Jessie counts on her fingers for a moment.)

Jessie:  That means…nine months til my birthday!

Leela:  That’s right, Jessie.  Why don’t you get your brother up?

Jessie:  Okay!

(She hugs Leela and then Fry.)

Jessie:  Morning, Daddy!  Bye, Daddy!

(She runs out of the room.)

Fry:  Her birthday’s just a coincidence, right?

(Leela furrows her brow.)

Leela:  That’s a silly question to ask, isn’t it? (She picks up a piece of paper from the counter and hands it to him.)  Now, these are some of the things we’ll need for Tyler’s birthday in October.  I know it’s early, but I just want to make sure we don’t-

(Fry is now counting on his hands.)

Leela:  What are you doing?

Fry: (uneasy) Jessie’s birthday is in October, right?

Leela:  Yes, Fry.  Are you feeling all right?  (She hands him some utensils.)  Put these on the table, will you?

(He follows Leela into the dining room, where they set the table.  Jessie walks in followed by Tyler.  Ty is eight with purple hair in the same style as Fry’s and two eyes.  The camera focuses on them and Leela.)

Jessie:  Mommy, how come Tyler and I have the same birthday?

Ty:  Don’t they teach you anything about the birds and the bees at school?

Leela:  Tyler, she’s just a little girl.

(Leela turns around to see Fry sitting at the table hyperventilating.)

Jessie: Is Daddy okay?

Leela:  He doesn’t look so good.  I’ll have to get the cure-all.

(She leaves and returns a moment later with a bowl on vanilla ice cream and some chocolate syrup.  She places the bowl in front of Fry, who weakly reaches for a spoon.  Leela lathers on the chocolate syrup, getting some on her finger in the process.)

Leela:  Whoops.

(Fry looks intently at her as she licks it off her finger as seductively as a 50s housewife can.  He starts to bawl, his head lowered to the table.  Jessie and Ty look on, concerned, and Jessie appears as if she’s going to start crying too.)

Leela:  Ty, why don’t you and your sister eat breakfast in the kitchen?

Ty:  Yes, Mom.

(He leads Jessie into the kitchen.  Leela takes Fry’s hand and tries to lift his chin.)

Leela:  I’m worried.  Is it something I did?  I know I forgot to vacuum the other day, but I didn’t think-

(Fry shakes his head.  He takes a deep breath.)

Fry:  It’s okay.  I…just didn’t get enough sleep.

(He starts crying again.)

Leela:  Oh, sweetie, eat your ice cream before it melts.  You’ll feel better, I promise.

(Fry nods and takes a painful bite of the ice cream.)

Leela:  I better re-check to make sure the kids’ lunches are nutritionally sound.

(She kisses his forehead before exiting.)


Scene:  The foyer.

(Leela sends the kids out the door to school as Fry stands behind her.)

Leela:  Now, Jessie, what do you say if the kids tease you again?

Jessie:  Um…my mom can kick your butt?

Leela:  Very good.

(She kisses Jessie on the cheek.)

Jessie:  Bye, Mommy!

(She runs out the door.  Leela turns to Fry and smiles.)

Leela:  Now, remember, you’re going to have to help the Professor look at potential delivery boys soon, so try to get all your other work out of the way.

Fry:  What?  Why?

Leela: (rolls her eye) Because you just got that promotion, silly.  I’m so proud of you.

(She kisses him quickly.)

Leela:  Now, you better hurry up or you’ll be late.

(She more or less shoves him out the door.)

Fry:  Um…one question: which way’s work?

Leela:  The car’ll drive you there.  I just got the autopilot installed.  Don’t forget to leave a little early; we need to go shopping.  Bye, Fry!  Have a good day!

Fry: Love you t-

(She shuts the door.)

INT of the house

(Leela whips a piece of paper out of her pocket.)

Leela: (happily) Let’s see…Clean up kitchen, vacuum, get hair done and gossip with Amy, vacuum again…another fulfilling day as a homemaker…


Scene: Planet Express.

(The crew sits at the conference table.  Among them are Zoidberg, Scruffy, and the blonde woman and robot from “A Big Piece of Garbage.”  Fry immediately notices two missing people.)

Fry:  Hey, where’s Bender and Amy?

Hermes:  You must be gettin’ more like da Professor, mon.  Bender’s reverted to bein’ a kitchen appliance at your place and Amy quit work for da same reason Leela did.

Fry:  Because she had a rich husband?

(The crew laughs.)

Zoidberg:  She left to be a full-time wife, vhy not.

Fry:  Wow…that must be harder than work here.

(Only Zoidberg laughs.)

Zoidberg:  He made a joke!  Very funny!

Hermes:  Now, we got a big delivery to make on Tragic Kingdom 6, so no mess-ups.  (He hands a huge stack of paper to Fry.)  As soon as Fry finishes dis paperwork, you can go.

Fry:  All of it?

Hermes:  You bet.  And because Tragic Kingdom 6 just reformed der laws, you’ll hafta do it all in song lyrics.  You’ll be needin’ dis.

(He hands Fry a large green book titled The Big Book of Gwen, Tony, Tom and Adrian.  Fry grimaces.)


Cut to a while later.

(Fry is on the last piece of paper and he looks about ready to collapse.  He has huge bags under his eyes and he’s squinting at the paper.)

Fry: (reading) “How long have you been with your company?”

(He flips through the book and writes something down.)

Fry: Okay, last question…hey!  It’s multiple choice! (Reading) “Which of the following describes your reaction to having completed this grueling paperwork? A- Trapped in a box of tremendous size, B- You’re living your life in total hate, C- Are you happy now?, D- Make-up’s all off—who am I? or E- Feeling hella good…” (He makes a mark on the page.)  There!  Finished!


Scene: Interior of Hermes’ office

(Fry walks in, carrying the huge stack of paper.  Hermes sits with his back to desk, going through various documents in a file cabinet.  Fry sets the stack down on the desk with a large thud.)

Fry: (exasperated) That’s all of them…

Hermes:  What’s dat, mon?

(He swivels around in his chair, which hits the desk, causing the stack of paper to go all over the floor.  Hermes blankly looks at Fry, who wears a shocked expression.  A beat.)

Fry: (sighing) I’ll get to it…

(He gets down on all fours and begins to gather up the papers.  Hermes gets out of his chair and heads towards the door.  He stops in front of Fry and “tsk”s before leaving the room.)


Cut to even later.

(Hermes pokes his head into his office.  There are a few papers still on the ground and Fry has his back to Hermes as he crouches down.)

Hermes:  Fry!  You got a call in de conference room!

(Fry swivels around and faces Hermes with a piece of paper in his mouth.)

Fry: (muffled) Hm?


Scene: Conference room.

(Leela’s on the video phone as Fry sits at the table.)

Leela: Are things okay there?  You’re running a few minutes later than usual, so I just assumed-

Fry:  No, everything’s fin- ouch.

(He winces and holds a hand to his mouth.)

Leela:  What’s wrong?

Fry:  Oh, I just cut my tongue.  (Leela gives him an odd look.) I just finished several hours’ worth of paper work, so I’ll just leave now.

Leela:  What about sorting through resumes?

Fry:  Eh, it can wait.  It’s not like it’s important or anything.  I mean, you and Bender could carry on a delivery without me, right?

Leela: (Laughing nervously) What makes you say that…


Scene: The supermarket…of tomorrow (Or yesterday, depending on how you look at it)

(Exterior shot of Wal-Mart Supercenter with a banner below the logo that says, “The only place in the universe with lipstick and bee-keeping supplies under one roof!”.  Cut to the interior of the over-sized store where Leela and Fry stand in an aisle filled with various cereals.  Fry is gaping at the magnitude of it all while Leela looks over a grocery list.)

Leela:  All right, Fry.  You’ll be in charge of getting party decorations and a birthday present.  Do you think you can handle that?

(Fry’s still gaping.  A beat.)

Leela:  Fry?

Fry:  Huh?  I mean, check.

Leela:  I’ll come find you when I’m done shopping, but try not to get lost in the lingerie section again, okay?

Fry: (sly) Why would I?  After all, you’re much better looking than those mannequins…

(He makes a cat noise.)

Leela:  Fry!  Not so loud.

(She heads off, but smiles back at him.)

Fry: (wondering out loud) Hm…a store with everything in it…where to start…


Scene: The Toy section.

(Fry stands in one of the aisles holding what looks like a large fluorescent green gun as the camera shows an ant’s eye view.)

Fry:  All right…this is for all the times you insulted me at work…eat…er…drink water, scumbags!

(He cocks the “gun” and the camera changes angles to show Fry chasing down two eight-year-old boys.  He shoots a constant stream of water and makes “ammunition” sounds.  The boys scream as he chases them down an aisle to a dead end.  They face the wall, their backs to Fry.)

Fry:  Who wants to go first?

(The boys quickly turn around and aim water guns, which look like those chunky guns from “Lilo and Stitch”, at Fry.)

Boys: You!

(They fire mercilessly at him.  Fry dodges the water and pushes an over-sized teddy bear off the shelf in the process.  The boys laugh evilly and keep firing.  Fry gasps and somersaults behind the teddy bear.  The kids fire at the teddy bear, leaving painful craters in its soft *flesh*.  After several moments of non-stop fire, the water in the guns runs out.  The boys gasp and check their guns.  Fry peeks his eyes over the bear’s head and sticks his gun between the bear’s ears, aiming right for the kids.)

Fry:  You fought a hard battle, but there’s one thing you forgot: Size matters.

(He cocks the gun as the boys wince in anticipation of the blast.  However, nothing happens.)

Employee: Ahem.

(Fry turns around and comes face to face with a tall Wal-Mart employee who looks like he used to be a drill sergeant, right down to the stance and black shades.)

Fry: (chuckling nervously) Just…uh…trying the equipment out…heh heh…

(The man grabs Fry by the collar and lifts him off the ground.)

Employee:  No one messes around in my department, got that?

(Fry nods hastily.  The man more or less throws him down on the ground.)

Employee:  You’re just lucky I filled my push up quota with those two girls opening the Barbies.

(Fry sheepishly walks away.  Behind his back the kids make faces at him.  He whirls around and aims the gun.  They shirk away in fear.  The man turns around to face Fry and grits his teeth.  Fry then high-tails it out of there as fast as his legs can carry him.)


Scene:  The entertainment department.

(Fry’s walking down an aisle filled with DVDs.)

Fry:  Wow.  They have every movie from the original “Casablanca” to the J. Lo and Ben Affleck “Casablanca!”  But what would an eight-year-old boy want?  Hm…it should have lots of blood and a blonde in it.  That narrows it down to six million.

(He picks up a copies of “Legally Blonde 4: L.A. Eyelash-curler Massacre” and “Serial Mom.”  Leela walks up to him, lugging a very full basket of various items.)

Leela:  Any luck finding a present?

(Fry throws the DVDs into the basket.)

Fry:  That’ll do. (Something catches his eye and he grabs another movie off the shelf.)  Wow!  I haven’t seen this in a thousand years!

(He is about to toss it in, but he notices a large white box non-descript box at the bottom of the basket.)

Fry:  What’s that?

Leela: (Matter-of-factly) The cake.

Fry:  The cake?  The cake-cake?

Leela:  Of course.  I’m running behind schedule.  Usually I have one bought and frozen by January.

Fry:  Why not just make one?

Leela:  I would, but Bender charges too much.

(Fry looks confused.)


Scene:  The kitchen back home.

(Leela and Fry enter, carrying brown bags of groceries, just as Jessie and Ty come running through the door.)

Jessie:  Mommy, want to see the fort me and Tyler built outside?

Leela:  Of course. Fry, can you put away the groceries?

Fry:  Sure.

(Jessie drags Leela out the door and Ty follows them, a bored look on his face.  Fry pulls out a bag of grapefruit, baring the sticker “Genetically Altered on Earth.”)

Fry:  Hm…grapefruit goes…

(From seemingly out of nowhere comes a familiar voice.)

Bender:  In the fridge, skintube.

(Fry looks around for his friend.  Bender taps him on the back and Fry turns around to face him where he stands beside the fridge.)

Fry:  Bender, what are you doing here?

Bender:  I live here, remember?  Or did Eyeball brainwash you?

Fry:  But why do you live here?  And why are you just standing inanimate by the fridge?

Bender:  Well, I don’t want you to spread this around, but I have a phobia of living alone and I got bored cooking for people who don’t appreciate the finer things.

Fry:  The finer things?  Bender, Leela’s a boring, celibate housewife and up until recently, I was a delivery boy…I think.

Bender:  I didn’t mean you, meatbag.  I meant those brats you call kids.  Ty doesn’t give a rat’s ass about anything and Jessie’s eaten so much dirt, her taste buds have been eroded.  They’re the perfect people to eat my food.  Only they can understand the beauty and taste of the delicacies I make.

Fry:  But you just said…never mind.  So what’s for dinner tonight?

Bender:  Eh, depends on whose cat Ty’s looking after this weekend.


Scene: The living room, later that evening.

(The living room is good size, with a very plain brown couch, a mahogany coffee table and a regular-sized TV.  There is a fireplace and a bookshelf in the background.  Leela reads a retro-looking Cosmopolitan and sits next to Fry on the couch.  Jessie pets Nibbler on the floor next to Ty who is lying on his stomach, watching a space-western *cough* Firefly.  Fry reads the TV Guide.)

Fry:  Ooh…the top 10 shows ever! (He reads for a moment.) What?!  “Seinfeld” beat out “Ripley’s Believe It or Not”?!  This is the worst case of injustice I’ve ever heard of…Next they’ll be telling me “Twin Peaks” is better than “Charlie’s Angels”.

Leela: (standing up) That reminds me…who wants dessert?

Jessie and Ty:  Me!

Leela:  Do you want any, Fry?

Fry: (sly) Dessert and coffee…

Leela: (Not getting it) That’s a good idea…

(She exits the living room and heads into the kitchen.  Bender stands by the fridge, glancing at a Rolexxx on his right wrist and tapping his foot.)

Leela:  Is the pie almost done?

SFX: A ding.

Bender: It is now.

(He opens his chest cavity and pulls out a pie with plenty of steam rising from it.  Leela puts on an oven mitt and takes the pie.  She then proceeds to cut it.)

Bender:  That’ll be the usual fee.

Leela:  Just wait til the end of the month, as usual.

Bender:  Anything else?  I could use some overtime…

Leela:  Nope, that’s it.

Bender:  Then I’m off to the…uh…gentlebot’s club.

Leela:  Don’t come in too late.

Bender: (mocking) Yes, Mom.

(He exits out the side door.  Leela frowns, but turns her attention to the coffee machine.)


Scene: A moment later in the living room.

(Leela manages to slip through the kitchen door, despite the fact that she’s balancing several plates and two cups of coffee.  She sets them down on the coffee table.)

Leela:  Okay, cherry pie, hot off the robot!

(She hands Jessie and Ty their pieces before giving Fry his pie and coffee.)

Fry:  This wasn’t quite what I had in mind…but oh well.

(Leela sits on the edge of the couch and feeds a piece to Nibbler, who gobbles it up at lightening speed.  Fry pokes at his piece before taking a bite.)

Fry:  You’re sure Bender made this?

Leela:  Yup.  He charged me six dollars too.

(Just then, the lights begin to flicker.  The TV goes out and after a moment, so do the lights.)

Jessie:  Mommy, I’m scared!

Leela:  I’ll just go get some candles.  I’ll be back in a minute.

Fry:  Why does this remind me of another What If?

(Leela lights a candle, dissipating part of the darkness.  Jessie and Nibbler jump onto the couch.  Jessie cuddles up next to Fry.  Leela continues lighting several candles.)

Leela:  That should do it.

(From her spot next to Fry, Jessie yawns.  Ty frowns.)

Ty:  Look what you did now…

Jessie:  What?

(Leela glances down at her wristamathingy.)

Leela:  It’s getting late, you two.  I want you to run right up to bed.

Jessie:  But Mommy, I’m not-

(She promptly falls asleep.  Leela smiles and stands up.)

Leela:  Ty, I think it’s time you went to sleep too.

Ty:  I’m not tired at all though.

Leela:  We’ve got that beach trip tomorrow and I want you to be well-rested.  I’m not going to ask you again.

Ty:  Aw, geez.

Leela:  We don’t use language like that in this house.

(Ty leaves the room, frowning.  Leela picks up Jessie from the couch.)

Leela:  Fry, can you bring a candle upstairs?  Otherwise, we won’t be able to see.

Fry:  Uh huh. (He picks up a candle and follows her.) Uh…strange question: Do you always wear dresses like that?


Scene: The upstairs hall.

(Leela and Fry stand outside their bedroom.)

Fry: Well, looks like it’s time to turn in…

Leela:  Mm hm. (She yawns.) I’m so tired…

(She opens the door and walks in.  Fry follows and feels around for the bedside table.  Once he finds it, he places the candle down.  Leela lights two other candles, which brightens the room.  The camera focuses on Fry’s face as he blinks several times, his mouth wide open.)

Fry:  There must be some mistake…

(The camera then pulls back to reveal there are two separate twin size beds with one table between them.)

Leela:  You’re right.  I wonder why the power company hasn’t done something about the black out yet.

Fry:  B-b-but the beds!

Leela:  Oh, I know.  They’re so old.  Good thing we’re going shopping for new ones soon.

(She heads into the *walk-in closet* connected to the room.  Think Karen’s closet in “Will & Grace.”  Fry lies down on his bed and stares up at the ceiling.)

Fry:  Maybe if I tell myself this isn’t accurate, it’ll all go away…

(He begins murmuring “This isn’t accurate” under his breath.  Leela re-enters wearing a more…conservative version of the little pink number in “Parasites Lost.”)

Leela:  You know, you really should get some sleep.  You’ve been acting so strange today. (She kisses him quickly.) G’night.

(She climbs into her bed and blows out the candle closest to her.  Fry just lies on his bed, dumbfounded by it all.)


Scene: Outside in the drive way the next morning.

(Close up of the thermometer to the left of the garage door.  It reveals the temperature to be 42 degrees.  The camera then switches to Fry and Ty lifting the cooler into the trunk of the car, which FYI, is blue and looks a bit like Amy’s car in “Put Your Head on My Shoulder.”  They shiver in their swimming trunks, short-sleeve shirts and sandals.  Fry slams the trunk closed and rubs his arms as he shivers.)

Fry:  Why does she…

Both:  Have us go to the beach when it’s still winter?

(They look at one another oddly.  Leela and Jessie come out the front door and warmly smile at the “boys.”  Jessie wears pastel sandals, a pink sundress and a light jacket.  Leela, on the other hand, wears a white with black polka dots sleeveless dress reaching past her knees with a v-neck (Curse me and my insidious descriptions of fashion. ).  Fry definitely takes notice of this.)

Leela:  Well, are we ready to go?

Fry:  Don’t you think it’s a little cold?

Leela:  Of course not.  It’s almost 43 degrees!  I could boil water in this weather.  Besides, the beach we’re going to has 90 degree weather all year ‘round.

Fry:  You mean…

Leela:  Yes!  New New York’s imitation island of Hawaii!

Jessie and Ty:  Yay!

Fry:  Why would the east coast need an imitation Hawaii when there’s Florida?

Leela:  Well, Florida seceded from the United States in 2064, after their sixtieth consecutive recount that year.  Seceded may be the wrong word…kicked out is actually more accurate.  After that, they refused to let anyone younger than seventy-five in.

Fry:  Like Denny’s!


Scene: A New New York bridge.

(An aerial shot of our favorite What If family driving onto a long, long silver bridge.   At the NNY entrance of the bridge, rain pours heavily down.  As the car drives (Hovers?  Flies?) the rain gradual lessens and the sun appears, until they come off the bridge and find themselves in the bright sunlight of a man-made island covered in lovely white (imitation) Hawaii sand.  An oblong, trapezoid-like parking lot greets them.  It’s nearly full, so they have to pull up along the back of the lot, which means…parallel parking.)

Fry:  Parallel parking?  No!  It’s like Driver’s Ed all over again…

Leela:  Relax.  It’s on autopilot.

(The car ‘gracefully’ shimmies up to the edge and almost too perfectly comes to a stop.  Jessie and Ty jump out of the car and immediately begin running across the blacktop towards the water.)

Leela:  Tyler, make sure Jessie doesn’t talk to strangers.  And Jessie, keep an eye on your brother!

(Cut to Fry dragging four folding chairs through the sand to where Leela sits, watching Ty and Jessie, a small straw shoulder bag at her side.  An umbrella and the cooler have already been set up.  Fry sweats under the heavy load and the heat.  After struggling for a while, he manages to bring them about ten feet away from Leela.  She stands up and looks at him strangely.)

Leela:  Fry, what are you doing?

Fry: (panting) I…was…

Leela:  Here.

(She pulls a remote control from seemingly out of nowhere and presses a large red button on it.  Immediately, the chairs “jump” away from Fry and sprout robotic legs.  They then walk over to where Leela stands and promptly fold out.  Fry’s mouth hangs wide open.  Leela smiles a satisfied smile.  She turns to Fry, her back facing him.)

Leela:  Would you mind unzipping the dress?

Fry:  Wha…right here?

Leela: No, on the moon…Yes, here.

(She lifts her ponytail up so he can unzip her dress, which he does while salivating.  The camera focuses on her feet, which are decked out in purple high-heeled Gellies, as the dress falls to the ground.  It then zooms out to show she’s wearing a pink swimsuit underneath.  It’s a quite conservative one-piece with lots of pink and yellow plaid trimming.  Of course, it’s got the Leela trademark: an oval hole in the midriff so her navel is still visible.)

Leela:  Thanks.  That’s much better…

(She picks up her dress from the ground.  Fry has a disappointed look on his face.)

Leela: (calling) Jessie, Tyler, come here and put some sun block on!

(She sits down on the chair nearest the umbrella and takes a bottle of sun block out of her bag.  From her seat, we finally get a good glimpse of the beach.  The sand is a vanilla color and stretches as far as the eye can see.  In the background, a long line of tall palm trees sway in the breeze.  The water is a deep turquoise color and laps gently against the sand.  Jessie and Ty come running in and stand expectantly by their mother.  Leela squirts a large goop of sun block into Ty’s hand and he begins slathering his skin with the stuff.  She then begins rubbing sun block into Jessie’s shoulders.)

Ty:  Dad, can you rub some on my nose?  Mom always says I never get enough on.

(Fry hesitates but moves forward and begins covering Ty’s nose with the sun block.  Leela looks on and smiles.)

Jessie:  Are you done yet, Mommy?

Leela:  Okay, go play.

(Jessie and Ty run off happily for the water once more.  Fry is smiling now too.  He sits down at the edge of the chair next to Leela.  She holds the bottle out to him.)

Leela:  Do me?

(Fry’s face goes red.)

Fry:  When you say that, you mean-

Leela:  Get my back for me, please.

(He nods and takes the sun block and begins rubbing it into her back.  He has a dreamy look on his face as he does so.  After a few moments, Fry halts, debating his next move.  He slowly and nervously wraps his arms around her waist.  Leela smiles and scoots closer to him.  He moves in to give her a big smooch.)

Leela: (shielding her eye from the sun) Hey, that looks like Amy and Kif.

(About ten yards away, we can plainly see Kif and Amy approaching.  Amy wears her pink bikini and leads, while Kif lags behind holding on to a picnic basket and umbrella.  Amy waves.  As Leela jumps up to greet them, Fry groans before following her.)

Leela:  Fancy meeting you here.

Amy:  Well, Kif had the day off, so I suggested a nice trip to the beach.

Leela: (to Kif) Zapp actually gave you a day off?

Kif:  According to a new DOOP policy, lackeys are required to take at least two weeks off. (Sighs) Of course, in Zapp’s language, that means one day.

Leela:  Fry, why don’t you help Kif set up?

Fry:  Uh, sure. (To Kif) Do you have any chairs?

Kif:  In the trunk.

(Kif sets the basket and umbrella down before he and Fry head off to the car.)

Amy:  It’s so nice here.  You really get the feeling of being isolated from all the unnecessary things in the city…

(Amy’s butler walks up to her, carrying a tray of drinks.)

Butler:  You must be parched, Ms. Kroeker.  A drink?

Amy:  A margarita would be nice.

(He hands her a drink and turns to Leela.)

Butler:  And for you?

Leela:  Oh, no.  I’m fine.

Amy:  C’mon, Leela.  Loosen up a bit.

Leela:  Well…

Butler:  Perhaps a daiquiri?

Leela:  Sure.  Thanks.

(He hands her a red drink.)

Butler:  I’ll be here whenever you need me, Ms. Kroeker.

(He takes three steps back and stands silently stone-faced.  Leela eyes him oddly.)

Amy:  So, how have things been since yesterday?

Leela: (quickly) Just the same old…

(Amy gives her a “Oh, really?” look.)

Amy:  You sure?

Leela: (hesitant) Well, Fry’s been acting so strange lately…Yesterday, he started crying at breakfast.  I didn’t bring it up because I didn’t think it was that big of a deal, but then last night, he was freaking out and mumbling to himself.

Amy:  Maybe something at work.

Leela:  No, I don’t think so.  He just got promoted.

Amy:  Jessie or Ty hasn’t done anything, right?

Leela:  Nothing out of the ordinary.

Amy:  And there’s no trouble in the…bedroom.

Leela:  No!  Of course not.  That’s ridiculous.

Amy: (nodding curtly) Okay.

(A beat.)

Leela:  What are you talking about?

Amy:  Uh, Leela?  I didn’t say anything.

Leela: (distracted) What?  Oh, sorry.  There must be some way to make him feel better. But what could he possibly want and/or need?


Quickly cuts to their home

(In the kitchen, Fry stands in his suit, ranting to Bender who smokes a cigar.)

Fry: (waving his hands manically) I’m going crazy! I mean, I’ve got Leela and that’s great, but I can’t touch her!  It’s like in that movie with the cheerleader and that guy with arms like a Swiss army knife and even though she dumps her jock boyfriend, the guy can’t lay a hand on her or he’ll chop her to bits.  That’s exactly the way things are with Leela, if you take out the ex-boyfriend, cheerleader aspect and sharp arms!

Bender:  Quit complaining, meat bag.  I don’t want to sound mushy or nothin’, but why not focus on the good things, like gourmet meals by yours truly for above market value?  Or those little brats Leela calls kids?

Fry: Yeah, I guess those things are nice.

Bender:  Of course, the best way of looking at it is that you make all the neighbors jealous.

Fry:  Even Herman Munster?

Bender:  Especially Herman Munster!  You got a wife all the other guys on the street are drooling over, not to mention a fabulous bending robot who happened to get a kitchen appliance update AND is a hit with the ladies.

Fry:  Hey, you’re right.  Thanks, Bender.

Bender:  No problem. (holding out his hand) That’ll be six bucks counseling fee.

(Leela enters, wearing a not so poofy yellow dress and carrying a long black and white checkered coat.)

Leela:  Ready to go shopping, Fry?

Fry:  Uh…I’m not on good terms with the security guards at Wal-Mart.  I don’t think I can go.

Leela:  Oh, not Wal-Mart.  Amy and I already went.  They don’t have quite the bed selection I’m looking for.

Fry:  Did you just say we were going bed shopping?

Leela:  Yeah.  Why?

(Fry grabs her by the hand and yanks her out the door.)

Fry:  I’ve just been really eager to…uh…spend some quality shopping time with you.

Leela:  Aw.  How unusual of you.


Scene:  Hertzel’s Discount Beds

(An exterior shot reveals a deteriorating building once painted pink, but has faded quite a bit.  In one of the windows hangs a sign reading, “Free Anti-Chinches Spray with every sale!”  The camera then switches to the interior, which is filled with plenty of those miss-matched sets we hear about during local news shows.  The walls are a dreary off-white color.  Victor shows Leela and Fry a very plain gray bed.)

Victor:  This is one of our more popular models and was recently featured in a Madonna video.

Fry:  How well does it bounce?

Victor:  Considering the amount of bouncing Victor imagines you’ll be doing, it’s perfect.

Fry:  Cool!  Let me just try it out...

(He backs up, runs toward the bed and jumps.  He lands with a sickening thud and the sound of cracking bones can be distinctly heard.  The mattress stays stone still.)

Fry: (weakly) Ow.

(Victor takes Leela’s hand.)

Victor:  Of course, for an advantageous woman such as yourself, this bed is not nearly swayable enough.

(He kisses her hand.  Leela blushes.)

Leela:  Oh…um, thank you, I think.

(Fry frowns as he rubs his posterior.)

Victor:  Let Victor just show you the newest model.

(He leads Leela over to a large waterbed.  In the ‘mattress’ several angelfish swim by some kelp at the bottom.)

Leela:  Wow…isn’t that lovely, Fry?

Fry: (now standing) Not really.  If I want to see fish swimming around, I’ll just watch “Romeo and Juliet.”

Leela: (to Victor) How do you feed the fish?

Victor: (raising an eyebrow) Uh…feed?

Fry:  And how bouncy is this one?

Victor:  Oh, Victor does not think you are ready for this bed.  It is too bouncy for little boys.

(Fry glares at him, but hops onto the bed and lies down.)

Fry:  Leela, you’ve got to try this!

Leela:  Oh, I don’t know.  I’m sure it’s a few dollars over our-

(Fry pulls her onto the bed and she immediately relaxes with a sleepily smug smile on her face.)

Leela:  We’ll take one.


Scene: Leela and Fry’s bedroom.

(Our two heroes stand in front of the large waterbed, which is now decked out in blue Hawaii honeymoon print sheets.)

Leela:  It looks so inviting.  Might as well try it out, seeing as the kids are gone for the afternoon.

(She flops down on the bed, her face turned from him.)

Fry:  Thank god!  I thought you’d never ask!

Leela: Ask what?

(She turns her head and sees Fry ripping off his clothes like a groom on his wedding night.)

Leela:  Fry, what are you doing?

Fry:  You said-

Leela:  I said I was going to try it out, meaning I’m taking a nap.

(Fry looks disappointed.)

Fry:  What about later?

Leela:  Well…

Fry: Please?

Leela:  Valentine’s Day IS this week, and I’ve been looking for an excuse to make a special dinner.

Fry:  And I’ve been trying to find a good reason for buying candy!  It’s perfect.

Leela:  Valentine’s Day it is, then.


Scene:  V-day at Planet Express.

(Everyone is seated around the conference table as Hermes starts off the day with the usual speech.)

Hermes:  As you all know, today is Valentine’s Day and usually, we have plenty of deliveries to make. (A beat.) However, with Mom’s Friendly Delivery Company campaigning for two packages for the price of one, we have very little business.  Due to that, and me own plans, everyone will be allowed to leave early…except Fry.

(Everyone, save for Fry, cheers.)

Fry:  What?

Hermes:  The Professor needs you to pick a new delivery boy from the heap o’ applicants the Fate Assignment Office has sent our way.

Fry:  But I have plans tonight!  Dinner and chocolate and everything!

Hermes:  Tough luck, mon.  Leela’ll understand.

Fry: But…but…

(He sighs and sits back, defeated.)


Cut to that evening.

(Fry sits alone at the table, flipping through a pile of paper.  He slips a piece into a slot on the side of the table.  A hologram of a young woman with blonde hair appears, hovering in the air.)

Hologram: (friendly) Oh, hi!  I’m Tracy Flick and I would be a great delivery bo- girl for Planet Express!  First, I’m able to communicate to a variety of people, from the rich people who can afford to wipe their ass with silk, to those really, really poor people who live in garbage cans.  A person could be really smart like Stephen Hawking or as dumb as Gail Berman and I could still talk to the-

(Fry yanks the resume out.  The hologram flickers and fades.)

Fry: (deadpan) Seen it.

(He selects another resume from the pile and slides it into the slot.  A skinny guy with brown hair and glasses meekly appears in hologram form.)

Hologram: (slowly) Uh…hello.  I’m…uh…James Kohn and I’m…uh…applying as a delivery boy for…uh…Planet Express.

Fry: (deadpan) You’re…uh…not what we’re looking for.

(He yanks out the paper and places a randomly chosen slip in the slot.  A girl with black, purple-streaked hair appears, wearing an assortment of ripped black clothes.)

Hologram:  Even though I think doing something other than expressing yourself creatively is lame and evil, I’m applying for this stupid job because I don’t want to end up starving on the streets or accepting handouts.

Fry:  Ugh…this is gonna take all night…

(He lets his head fall to the table and groans softly.)


Scene: Leela and Fry’s house

(Late at night, Fry walks in, an absolute wreck and about to konk out.  The house is pitch black. His movements are quite sluggish as he walks into the living room where we can see the light of the fireplace on his face.)

Leela: (sleepily) Fry?

(Fry squints and the camera focuses on what his blurred vision: Leela decked out in a red corset and red vinyl boots.  He rubs his eyes and his eyes focus.  Leela’s not wearing quite that standard of sensually appealing attire, but she is wearing a satin red bra-top and mini-skirt set, along with fluffy red high heels.  She sits in front of the fire on one of those round fluffy rugs, a book clasped in one hand.)

Leela:  There you are.  I was starting to get worried.  I thought I might take you your dinner, but then I got images of you making out with Nicholas Joy and- (noticing his tired demeanor) are you all right?

Fry: (mumbling) So tired…

Leela:  Aw, you poor thing.  You need to sleep.

(She places his arm around her shoulder and helps him up the stairs.  Once in their bedroom, Leela turns on the lamp and pulls back the covers on the bed.  Fry carelessly takes off his suit and climbs into bed.)

Leela:  I know you’re really sleepy, but do I still leave you-

(She is interrupted by Fry’s loud snoring.  She smirks, kisses him on the forehead and turns out the light.)


Scene: The kitchen.

(It looks about late morning as Fry stands in the kitchen, being consoled by Bender.)

Fry:  It would just figure that I’d fall asleep.

Bender:  Don’t blame yourself.  Leela should’ve at least hit you on the head to see if you’d wake up.

Fry:  You think?

Bender:  Sure.  Whatever.

(Leela walks in, wearing a white and pink slimming dress and carrying a paper bag.)

Leela:  There was a big sale on toilet paper, so I thought I should take advantage of it.  Do you think a hundred rolls is excessive?

Fry: (shrugs) I don’t know how to shop, so I have no clue.  Um…I’m sorry I fell asleep.  I know you had everything planned and all…

Leela:  It’s okay, Fry.  The kids actually had seconds, so there wasn’t any food for you anyway.

Fry:  Oh, that makes me feel better…I think.

(After a moment, Leela frowns.)

Leela:  Is anything bothering you?

Fry:  Uh…

Leela:  ‘Cos- don’t take this the wrong way- you’ve been acting really strange lately.

Fry:  You don’t say.

Leela:  Well, I wasn’t sure if it was something I did or something at work or-

Fry:  Now that you mention it, things in general haven’t been great.

Leela:  Name something.

Fry: (his voice substantially being raised with every word) Well, for starters…I hate my job.  I mean, being a delivery boy was degrading, but now, all I do is sit around doing paperwork and looking through idiot applica-

Bender:  Uh oh.  Sounds like a potential argument.  No offense, Fry, but I’ve seen how these end, and there’s only so many times watching my best buddy come crawling back with flowers can be amusing.

(He slinks out the door.  Leela crosses her arms and looks intently at Fry.)

Leela:  What else?

Fry:  The kids never seem to get tired of asking me to help them with their homework or read a story or make a soap-box racer and it’s getting really old really fast.  I mean, I work at some crappy job all day and then I come home to relax and there they are, shoving some project in my face.  It’s not that I don’t like them, but why can’t they be like normal kids who hate their parents?

Leela:  Fry, you’re being unreasonable.  And keep your voice down.  I don’t want the neighbors to hear.

Fry:  The neighbors!  That’s another thing.  How many times a week do they have to invite us over for a barbeque?

Leela:  No one’s invited us over, Fry.  That was on the rerun of “Father Knows Best” you watched yesterday morning.

Fry:  You just watch.  Someday, when we least expect it, they’ll invite us over and it’ll be all fun and games until they want us to have the barbeque here.  And another thing…why is there a laugh track constantly playing?

Leela:  Everything you’ve just listed is off TVLand.  This is real life.

(Sounds of fake laughs can be heard.)

Fry:  See!

(Leela rolls her eye.) 

Leela:  What’s really bothering you?

Fry: (sighs) I don’t know how to tell you this…but, whenever I imagined us married, I always thought we’d be more…touchy than this.

Leela:  Oh. (A beat.) That’s what’s been bothering you?

Fry:  Pretty much.

Leela:  That’s all?

Fry:  Yup.

Leela:  Why didn’t you say so?  You just need to say the word and I’m yours.

(Fry’s mouth is gaping open.  After a few moments, he shuts it.)

Fry:  Does that mean…we could…right now?

Leela:  You don’t think they’ll care at work?

(He grabs her and gives her a real kiss.)

Fry:  Who now?

(They make out for a few moments before a loud siren goes off and red lights flash.)

Loud Ominous Voice:  As this 60’s sitcom parody does not uphold the squeaky-clean ideals of 60’s television, this What If installment will be terminated.

Fry:  What network would have silly standards like that?

Leela: (sighs) The kind that doesn’t have standards.

FOX announcer:  We now bring you three episodes of “Temptation Island”.

(As we slowly fade to the FOX logo, the usual AoI narrator makes the usual statement.)

Narrator:  That was pretty un-interesting!  Let’s hope the next installment really is a…(loud) Tale of Interest!

Oh…wasn’t that fun? *_*  It was definitely interesting writing it.  It was kind of nice to write something that could work as a stand-alone.  Anyway, when I can, I’ll write the next installment, in which Leela asks, “What if I went to live with my parents?”  It’s yet untitled, but there will be some nice Shakespeare parallels, so if anyone knows of a good William-related title, your input would be much appreciated!  Until next time, yvan eht nioj! ^_^