It's Not Easy Being Zoidy
By Trenton Sands
Opening Credits Scene:
"Great Fun for All Ages"
Screen: Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoon.
At the 1001th National Bank, Hermes and Amy were in a waiting room.
Hermes: This is typical, isn't it? Fry, Bender, and Leela get to go on fun adventures.
Amy: And we're stuck here waiting to see if Zoidberg got approved for a loan!
Zoidberg walks out looking dejected.
Hermes: Did you get it?
Amy: Did you get your loan?
Zoidberg: I didn't. I don't have a big enough salary. (Snaps claw) Say, you're both rich, you think you both.............
Hermes and Amy: (together): No!
Zoidberg looks away and has an evil grin on his face as thunder is heard.
Later on that day Zoidberg is at a Mask Shop.
Sal: I don't likes your kinds arounds heres! Get outta here!
Zoidberg: I don't have any money.
Sal: I guess you're okays. So, what kind of mask are you looking for?
Zoidberg: Something that makes me look scary.
Sal: (holds out a drama mask): Hows about this? You don't have to pay for it.
Zoidberg: I can rent it?
Sal: Yes, but bring it back in two weeks!
Zoidberg: (takes the mask): Thank you, won't regret this!
Zoidberg walks out of the store and tries on the drama mask. Then he spins around and runs up to an old lady.
Zoidberg: (To the old lady's face): HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! SMMMMMOOOOKKKKIN'!!!
Hattie: (Screams and runa away)
Zoidberg: Today is the dawning of an all new Zoidberg! (Laughs evilly as thunder is heard).
A week later at the Planet Express living room, Fry and Bender were watching the news.
Linda: In New New York, a lone bank robber who wears a drama mask is going around habitually robbing banks. The indentity of this robber has yet to be revealed.
Morbo: If that robber comes anywhere near my house or family, I will destroy him!
Bender: (getting up and pushing a table over): AHHHHHH!
Fry: Bender! What's wrong?
Bender: That bank robber is living the life I have always wanted to live! Why can't I be a masked bank robber instead of being a (sarcastincally): law abiding citizen?!
Fry: (fidgety) Bender! Stop being jealous. You scare me when you get like this? Are you going to get green eyes?
Leela walks in.
Leela: Hey, did anyone notice Zoidberg's exam room?
Fry: No, what is it?
Leela: He has new medical equipment! He can't afford that!
Zoidberg walks in with some scales.
Zoidberg: Anyone want to try out these new scales I got?
Fry: (sitting up): I will. The professor has me drinking moonshakes.
Fry gets on the scales and Zoidberg turns the scales on until it says ping.
Fry: How much?
Zoidberg: 85 pounds.
Fry: Dammit! Those moonshakes are supposed to help me gain, not lose!
Bender: You can give them to me. I'll put alcohol in them!
Fry: They're all yours.
Bender: (standing triumphantly): I drink your moonshakes!
Everyone looks at Bender confused.
Bender: You guys don't know how long I've been waiting to do that.
Farnsworth walks in with Hermes and Amy.
Farnsworth: Zoidberg, where did you get the money to buy all this new equipment?
Hermes: Yeah, do you know anything about this drama mask? (holds the drama mask in his face.)
Amy: Spleah! I found this bag of money in your locker.
Farnsworth: Are YOU the masked bank robber?
Zoidberg: No, no, of course not. (starting to sweat): I'm too sweet natured to be one.
Bender: I'm outta here!
Leela: Where are you going, Bender?
Bender: Gotta make a phone call.
Within seconds, Off. Smitty ahd URL are at the door.
Fry: (answers the door) Hello, officers.
Off Smitty: Dr. Zoidberg, you're under arrest for bank robbery!
URL: Poor people who rob banks is a low down dirty shame!
Zoidberg is nowhere to be found.
Amy: (screams) He got away on my party board!
Zoidberg: (calling out): So long, suckers! (laughs maniacally)
Bender: Get him! Get him! Get him! Throw the book at him!
Off Smitty and URL chase Zoidberg on the party board with their hovercar. The chase ends with Zoidberg trying to go up in space only to crash down and fall back to earth.
Off. Smitty: (putting Zoidberg in handcuffs) We're gonna make sure you never see the light of day!
URL: That's 500 years, all right!
Later on Zoidberg was put on a quicky trial.
Zoidberg: Judge, you have to understand! I got sick of tired of being poor and opressed!
Judge: I don't want to hear it! That's no excuse for what you did! 500 years for you! Balliff!
Balliffs come and cart away Zoidberg.
Zoidberg: You can't do this to me! You can't do this to me! I'm a doctor! I'm a doctor! I'm a.......
The Balliff tazes Zoidberg.
The Planet Express crew was waiting outside and Bender came out with the news.
Bender: Zoidberg won't be out for 500 years!
Fry: We will go and visit him, though.
Leela: Yeah, yeah, we will. Say, Bender. You called the cops on Zoidberg, didn't you?
Bender: I did! What are you going to do about it, eyeclops!
Leela: Nothing. You actually did us a favor!
The next day at the New New York Men's Correctional Institution, Fry and Leela were in the waiting room visiting Zoidberg and Bender was in the cafeteria. Fry has a glob of mucus on his head, and Zoidberg enters the waiting room dressed in an orange jumpsuit.
Zoidberg: Hi, friends. (approaches the table)
Leela: So, how's prison?
Zoidberg: Actually, it's not so bad! I've made friends here, and I get free meals and a roof over my head.
Fry: Never meet anyone who liked prison. Say, check this out! A prisoner sneezed on me and I'm not showering it off! Keeping it because it's like a souveneir!
Leela: Fry, you really should go take a shower when you get home.
Zoidberg: She's right, Fry. I'm a doctor, I know these things!
Fry: Then this white dust landed on me!
Leela: That's asbestos!
Fry: Say, where's Bender?
Zoidberg: Wonders never cease! Poor old self-destructive Fry.
Meanwhile Bender is in the prison cafeteria doing an auction.
Bender: Okay incarcerated chumps! I got two items up for bid! (Holds some magazines) This stack of dirty robot magazines, and this keg of beer! How much do you all bid?
All the prisoners clamour their bids.
Bender: Do I hear, 1000? 2000? 3000? 4000? Going once.......going twice........
Just then Fry and Leela come in the stop the commotion.
Leela: Come on, Bender. Visiting Hours are over. Time to go to work, now.
Bender: Awww, man! I was going to make a profit off of these chumps!
Fry: You can do that next time we visit.
Leela: Be sure Fry takes a shower!
Bender: Fine! (grumbles sarcastically)
Once Bender leaves, the prisoners riot over the keg and magazines.
Fry: (laughs) Good old Bender!
The next day, Prof. Farnsworth summons everyone to the conference room. Everyone but Fry and Bender were there.
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone!
Leela: What's the good news?
Farnsworth: Since Zoidberg's been gone our health care benefits have been doing a whole lot better!
Hermes: My dream came true!
Leela: We still have to pay for office visits, right?
Farnsworth: Yes, about 60-100 dollars. In fact, we've been doing so well without Zoidberg, I have decided to hire Hugh Laurie's head to be our new doctor!
Hermes: He's not a real doctor, he just plays one of TV!
Amy: Globviously! (Sees Bender): Here comes Bender, now!
Bender: Okay chumps! What's going on here!
Leela: Where's Fry? He took a shower, right?
Bender: No, he didn't. Whether or not he gets sick, it doesn't mean much to me!
Hermes: (sees Fry enter the conference room): Here he comes now, he's walking with a cane!
Bender: (shouting at Fry): Hey! Charlie Chaplin! Come in here, now!
Fry struggles to walk inside, he uses the cane to hold himself up.
Amy: Fry, what's happened to you? How are you feeling?
Fry: My body feels achy. (goes in his pants) I darn gone wet myself.
Leela: (feels his forehead) You're burning up.
Fry tries to sit down, but falls flat like a rag doll. Fry begins to vomit.
Amy: Spew! Gross!
Fry: I'm all stuffed up and feel pukey!
Farnsworth: Wetting himself? Fever? Vomiting and Nausea? Stuffed up? Fry has the space flu!
Hugh Laurie's head: He don't have space flu! He has monkey pnemonia!
Leela: You're not helping!
Bender: What are you waiting for Professor? Cure him!
Farnsworth: I'm afraid I can't! Only Zoidberg knows the cure!
Amy: Zoidberg always does this to us! Just when we need him the most, he's never there!
Farnsworth: Then we'll have no choice but to break him out of prison so he can cure Fry!
Bender: All right! A jail break! WOOOO!!!!
Fry: (weakly): Hey, Leela? (coughs, gags, and vomits) Can you help me into my pajamas?
Leela: (walks over to Fry and kneels down toward him): Sure, where are they?
Bender: (opening his chest compartment): Here they are, you'll laugh your ass off once you see them.
Leela: We'll change in the exam room, and get you cleaned up.
Leela carries Fry into the exam room and takes his pajamas with her. Fry's pajamas were two piece, dark blue with red cuffs at the wrists and ankles. The pajamas have planets, spaceships, and stars on them.
Farnsworth: We'll need some transportation!
Hermes: I got a hovercar from a junkyard.
Amy: And disguises!
In the exam room, Leela helps out Fry.
Leela: There, we got you all cleaned up and in your jammies.
Fry: (weakly): Thanks, Leela. When I'm sick I like to be in my pajamas. My mom used to help me into them up until I was 17.
Leela: That's nice to hear. I'll tuck you in bed.
Leela tucks Fry into the bed in the exam room and Bender calls her.
Bender: Yo, eyeball! We need your help here, too!
Leela: Okay, coming. Fry, I just want you to know, this isn't your fault.
Fry: I know. Should've taken a shower.
Farnsworth: Come on, we haven't a moment to lose! We must break Zoidberg out of prison!
Leela: Wait a minute! What about Fry? We can't just leave him here!
Bender: I want to do this jail break without worrying about Fry!
Scruffy: Do your jail break! I'll watch him.
Farnsworth: Who are you?
Scruffy: Scruffy the janitor! Used to be one at Taco Bellvue Hospital! Know a thing or two about taking care of the sick!
Farnsworth: Okay, watch over Fry for us.
Bender: All right! This is going to be so cool!
Everyone prepares to break Zoidberg out of prison. They all go into the hovercar dressed like doctors and nurses.
The hovercar flew away from the New New York State Correctional Institution and sirens, searchlights, guards and their dogs were everywhere. They ditch their costumes.
Loudspeaker: There has been an escape! There has been an escape!
Inside the hovercar, Bender was driving while they all orchestrated a plan.
Bender: Too bad I couldn't dance under those searchlights! This is so cool!
Leela: Okay, Zoidberg, here's the plan. Fry is sick with space flu and we need you to cure him.
Zoidberg: (mixing up medicine): I'm on it!
Farnsworth: We might as well forget it.
Hermes: I'll say! We're acessories to Zoidberg's escape!
The hovercar runs out of dark matter.
Bender: Awww, man! This is the coolest crime I've ever committed and we're out of gas?!
Farnsworth: Where ever we've landed, we'll have to start our new lives.
The hovercar lands in Pittsburgh, which was now a colony of Mars. Martians, Chinese, Japanese, and Koreans live there as well.
Amy: Wow! Pittsburgh! I used to spend summers here as a little girl.
Hermes: We're not here to have fun. We all have to get jobs.
They all had to work odd jobs. Prof. Farnsworth got a job selling newspapers.
Farnsworth: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! If you can read this terrible handwriting!
Hermes got a job at a Kiosk selling Manwiches.
Hermes: Manwich! Manwich! Get your tasty Manwich!
A costumer comes and buys one from Hermes and eats it with chopsticks.
Hermes: (angerly): Hey, you're not supposed to eat it like that! My Manwich! You ruined my Manwich!
Leela and Amy got jobs as martial arts instructors, and Amy kept messing up the moves, embarrassing Leela.
Bender and Zoidberg got jobs as pastry chefs.
At the Oriental Bakery, Bender and Zoidberg are making a seven layer cake. The head chef was barking orders at them.
Head Chef: (speaking Japanese)
Head Chef: (speaking Japanese)
Head Chef: (speaking Japanese)
Zoidberg: I think he wants us to make this cake!
Bender: I know that! I was just joshing him!
Head Chef: (speaking Japanese and leaving the room)
Bender: What?! (laughing) Sorry, couldn't resist!
Bender sees a safe on top of the ceiling.
Bender: Say, Zoidberg, since you like stealing things, want to help me steal this safe?
Zoidberg: No way. My stealing days are over. Look how much trouble I put all of you through. And we had to leave Fry behind! Now he'll never get the cure.
Bender: Since Fry's not around anymore, _you're_ the new Fry! Now, help me steal that safe!
Zoidberg: (dejected) Fine.
Bender climbed up on top of Zoidberg's shoulders. Once Bender got to the safe, he topples back and forth.
Bender: Zoidberg, hold still!
Zoidberg: I'm trying! I'm trying!
Bender continued to wobble back and forth until he falls into the 7 layer cake in slow motion.
Bender: (slowly): Zoooooiddddberggggg! Youuuuu iddddddddiooooooootttttttt! (splat!)
Bender had pineapples over his eyes, and the head chef came in and yelled at them.
Head Chef: (shouting in Japanese) Commit suicide! (jumps out of a window)
Bender: You have that affect on people.
Zoidberg: That I do.
Later that day, everyone came back from their jobs. Unable to afford an apartment, they all had to live in the hovercar. Zoidberg walks into the hovercar and somebody sees a Wanted poster of Zoidberg and calls the Off. Smitty and URL.
Leela: Can't believe this is what we've reduced ourselves to!
Farnsworth: This is our lives now, we can never go back.
Hermes: Or else, we'll go to prison. Looks like my son will have to grow up without a father. Labarbra, my wife will to go back to Barbados Slim.
Amy: I hate situations where there's no way out.
Bender: Yeah, tell me about it! This is all because of Dr. Zoidbutt!
Zoidberg: Don't be mad at me! (holds a vial) I made the cure for Fry!
Leela: There's no point for that now! We might as well be planning for his funeral!
Just then a knock is heard at the hovercar, Bender answers it and it's Off. Smitty and URL.
Bender: Uh, oh! We're boned!
Hermes drives the hovercar down the street while Off. Smitty and URL are in hot prusuit shooting at them.
Bender: (fires laser pointer): You'll never take me alive, coppers!
Leela: Bender, stop that! You, know, sometimes you act like an Italian gangster!
Bender: (shoots at the cops) I am going to be so glad to get away from Pittsburgh! Everyone here is like 'ding-a-donga a ping-a-ponga!'
Amy: Splay! Stop belittling my people you (shouts in Cantonese)
Farnsworth: This is all your fault, Zoidberg! We should've left you in prison! Thanks to you, we might go to jail and we're fighting!
Zoidberg: But, you guys went way out of your way for me. That proves you like me!
Amy: We only did it so you could cure Fry, now look what's happened! We may never see Fry again!
Everyone tells off Zoidberg to a point where the voices overlap.
Hermes: Will you all shut the hell up and stop fighting?! We all hate Zoidberg and.......
Farnsworth: Hermes! Watch out!
Hermes: I'm not falling for that!
Leela: No, seriously, we're going to crash!
Hermes: Oh, come on now........*gasp* Sweet potatoes of Idaho!
Everyone screams until the hovercar crashes into a warehouse. Everyone runs inside, and Off. Smitty and URL get out of their hovercycle and shoot at the warehouse.
Farnsworth: Everyone duck and cover!
Amy: This is it! We're all going to jail!
Bender: (running out of the warehouse); Not if I could help it! Weeee! Being a fugitive is fun!
Bender runs around the yard shooting at Off. Smitty and URL. Then Zoidberg gets up and grabs a pole and a white sheet.
Leela: Zoidberg, what are you doing?
Zoidberg: I realize you guys are right. This all happened because of me. I'm turning myself in. Just like Shannon Elizabeth did in that movie about the stoners who stop a movie about them from being made. (throws the vial to Farnsworth), just inject Fry with that. Take two of them and call me in the morning. (sadly) Goodbye.
Leela: Wow, Zoidberg, that's rather noble of you.
Amy: Tell the cops to drop some charges against us.
Zoidberg: I'll see what I can do.
Zoidberg walks out of the warehouse and waves the flag he made.
Zoidberg: Cease fire! Cease fire! I surrender!
Off. Smitty and URL stopped shooting that made Bender mad!
Bender: Awww, dammit! Zoidberg always ruins my fun! (Runs back to the warehouse)
Just them Hermes runs out of the warehouse with a laser gun and chases Zoidberg and shoots, but misses.
Zoidberg: (running away): Hermes! You're shooting at me!
Hermes: (shooting): I KNOW!!!!
Zoidberg: I'm surrendering!
Hermes: I don't care! (shoots) You became a bank robber! (shoots) You got sent to prison! (shoots) We had to give up our whole lives! (shoots) Fry got sick because of you! (shoots) Now we're on the verge of going to jail! (shoots)
Off Smitty and URL tackled Zoidberg and out him in handcuffs.
Off. Smitty: Thought you could get away from us, eh?
URL: And you made your friends stoop very low!
Everyone runs of the warehouse.
Off. Smitty: You're all under arrest, too!
Farnsworth: Wait! Can't we work something out?
URL: What's your deal?
Leela: See, a friend of ours back in New New York is sick, and only Zoidberg could cure him.
Off. Smitty: Hmmmmm. Okay, you're all going back to New New York. If your friend is cured, you're all free to go. If not, you're all going to jail!
URL: And your friend will get sent to the ICU, all right!
Leela: It's a deal.
Amy: If Fry doesn't get better, you'll have to protect me, Leela. I won't do well in jail!
Bender: Oh, come on, girls! Jail might be fun!
Scene 8 (conclusion)
Back at Planet Express the Judge, Off. Smitty and URL are in the living room watching as the PE Crew awaits their fate.
Scruffy: (wheeling Fry out in a bed): He hasn't made any progress. He's getting worse and worse. Kept crying for you, Leela.
Fry: (moaning weakly)
Leela: Ohhh. (holds Fry's hand) Be strong, Fry. I'm here, I'm here.
Zoidberg: (holds the vial in his claws): Here goes. (squeezes the contents in a syringe)
Fry: (seeing the syringe) That looks painful, can't you put me to sleep?
Zoidberg: Sorry, Fry. You're too sick to be put to sleep.
Bender: Hurry up already!
Hermes: Don't rush this, Bender!
Amy: Our lives are on the line, here!
Zoidberg: (strapping Fry into the bed): Don't worry, the needle will go right though you. It might hurt. Let's face it, you're not exactly thick skinned. We must wait 20 minutes.
Zoidberg injects the syringe into Fry's stomach. Fry screams in pain.
Twenty minutes pass and Fry slowly and surly gets better. Bender unstraps Fry from the bed.
Fry: (breathing hard until breathing normal): Oh, gosh. (gasps) I..............feel.......... ..better! (Jumps down from the bed) I'm Walking on Sunshine!
Bender: Hooray! Fry's back baby!
Leela: And we're free!
Judge: Consider all the charges dropped! You're all free to go!
Off. Smitty: But remember, we'll be watching!
URL: Stay out of trouble!
The Judge, Off. Smitty and URL leave the Planet Express building.
Amy: I'm glad that's over.
Hermes: We can go back to our old lives!
Leela: How do you feel, Fry?
Fry: I'm hungry. Get me something to eat?
Leela: Right away.
Fry: Bender, what happened? Where did you guys go? Why was I alone with Scruffy helping me? He helped me with everything. Cleaning up my puke, helping me to the bathroom, where were you guys?
Bender: Let's just say we had a super fun adventure without you!
Leela: (coming into the room with some food): Here you go, Fry! I got some Bachloer Chips, a Zuban sandwich and a Slurm!
Fry: Thanks Leela. (eating the food) So, can you two fill me in on what happened?
Leela: Not right now, you're still recovering.
Bender: Oh, all right!