The Great Rockford Scandal
By Trenton Sands
Opening Credits Scene:
Parodizing 1970's Cop Shows and Looking Good Doing It
Screen: God, The Devil and Bob.
The Planet Express Crew have successfully completed their mission and are returning home. As the Planet Express ship was soaring through space, Fry and Bender were in a heated argument.
Bender: You see Fry, when you told the joke you didn't reference that the actor had an agent.....
Fry: I was getting around to it!
Bender: Okay, pick up from where you left off.
Fry: The agent called him and told him about a gig in Broadway. The actor has to say one line. "Hark! I hear the cannons roar". Then he gets on the plane and says the line.....
Bender: No! No! No! You're telling it all wrong! You forgot to say when he was on the plane, he was nervous about his line! Now start over!
Fry (rolls eyes): Fine. One day this actor wasn't making it in Hollywood...
Bender: I'm not laughing! You have no sense of humor!
Fry (angerly): Dammit Bender! Why do you always....
Bender (angerly): Well Fry! It's because you're such a......
Fry and Bender both yell and scream at each other until their voices overlap. Leela steps in and does something about it.
Leela: Oh, Lord. It's like I'm babysitting children.
As Fry and Bender argued, Leela turns presses a button that says "in case of emergency", and presses it, and the whole ship's lights flashed and a voice screams "Condition Red!"
Voice: Condition Red! Condition Red! Condition red!
Fry (screams): AHHHHH! What's happening? It's Boscoian come true!
Bender: There's no emergency.
Leela: I only did that so you two would stop fighting! This is a delivery service! Not a high school locker room.
Fry and Bender both stopped until the ship reached Earth. The flashing stopped.
The Planet Express ship lands into the building. Everyone comes out only to find everyone else in the conference room looking doom and gloom.
Leela: What's going on Professor?
Farnsworth: Bad news everyone.
Hermes: Planet Express is going out of business!
Bender: Not this again!
Fry: This is the only job I know how to do.
Bender: Hey, Hermes and Amy. You're both rich, why don't you two do something about it?
Amy: We can't. We don't own this place.
Then Zoidberg walks in feeling ecstatic.
Zoidberg: Oh, happy day! Oh happy happy day!
Leela: What are you so happy about?
Zoidberg: I know this day would come when everyone is just as poor as I am!
Farnsworth: Just because we're going out of business, AGAIN! Doesn't mean we're poor like you!
Zoidberg: Oh. Say, does anyone want to watch my new favorite show with me? Mister Ed?
Zoidberg (dejectedly): Okay....
Hermes: You know Fry, Leela, and Bender. You guys always save the day...
Amy: Maybe you guys can think of something to get Planet Express up and running again.
Leela: Believe me. We'll try. However this time, we might...
Bender (shoves Leela aside): I have an idea. How about we say Zoidberg needs an ass transplant?
Fry (sobbing): That's just like you, Bender! Exploiting others for your own gain!
Hermes: As much as I hate Zoidberg that would never work.
Fry (sobbing): I can't take this anymore! I'm outta here! (runs away)
Leela: Excuse us. And don't worry. Planet Express will be saved!
Bender and Leela chase after Fry.
Outside there was a sign over the Planet Express Building that said, "Planet Express is Going Out of Business.....Again! Again! Again! Again! Again! AGAIN!" Fry runs away from the building, and into an alley with Leela and Bender following him.
Fry: Goodbye Planet Express! (sobs)
Leela: Fry! Wait! Come back!
Bender: GO ahead and leave Fry! I'm through with you! You're a lost cause, anyway!
Leela: We're not giving up on him! (drags Bender)
Fry is in the alley and opens a door and goes inside. Bender and Leela spot him.
Leela: He went into the door in the alley.
Bender: I never should've told him that Don Addams joke!
Fry was in a dark building, sitting down and crying. Bender and Leela open the door to find him.
Bender: There you are, you ungrateful scrawny idiot!
Fry: There you go again with the scrawny jokes!
Leela: Fry! Stop sulking and acting like a six year old. We need your help trying to get Planet Express back into business!
Fry: What's the use? Bender doesn't think I have a sense of humor!
Bender: You don't! You humans take things so seriously and personally!
Fry: See? That's just what it is with you, Bender! I can never do anything right!
Bender: You never do anything right! Zoidberg's more competant than you!
Fry: All you do is boss me around, badger me, make fun of my scrawniness, and put me down!
Bender: Yeah, well what about you? All you do is mess up deliveries, sit around, drink Slurm, watch TV, and listen to pathetic 1980's music, and rap from the 1990s!
Leela: Here we go again...
Then the arguement turns bitter as Fry and Bender scream and yell at each other as Leela was trying to referee.
Fry: You don't care about anyone.....
Bender: You don't seem to be aware of other's existences.....
Fry: You don't stop until you get what you want....
Bender (slaps Fry): You always give up after a while.......
Leela: All right! All right! Stop! This has gone on long enough...
Bender: Things don't revolve around you!
Fry: How can that be, when everything always seems to revolve around you!
Bender and Fry continued to argue until a bunch of lights came on around them.
Bender (screams): AAAHHHH!! It's the CIA! They know I've been in Benghazi last week!
Leela: Who are you people?
Bender: They're Federal Agents, that's what!
Voice: We're not federal agents! We're Hollywood Talent agents!
The Hollywood Agents were humans.
Bender: I don't believe you! Now you listen to me, Federal Agents! I did not sell any war secrets to Mohmmar Kadhafi!
Agent #1: We're here to tell you that you've won!
Fry: What exactly did we win?
Agent #2: Someone special is here to see you.
Scruffy comes up to them with a rollaway tray, on the tray there was James Garner's Head in a jar.
James Garner (laughing): Do I look like a federal agent to you?
Leela: Hey! I know you. You're that actor who played soliders, race car drivers, POWS, cowboys, and detectives!
James Garner: That's right! I'm here to tell you, that you all won roles of a lifetime.
Bender: Wait, what is this?
Agent 3: You are all going to star in a remake of The Rockford Files!
James Garner: And you Bender are going to play Rockford! Leela over there will be a female version of Dennis Becker!
Leela: We accept! After all they made Kono a girl in the new Hawaii Five-0.
Bender: Oh, my gosh! The Rockford Files! That's my favorite show in the whole world!
Fry: Who do I get to play?
James Garner: You will play Angel.
Fry: Crud. Always the second banana.
Agent 1: What are you waiting for! Let's get you all to Hollywood!
Fry: Bender keeps making me play Angel everytime we play Rockford Files in the playground.
Bender: Now you get to play him for real, skinny!
Leela: You know, if this remake is a hit, we can make enough to save Planet Express!
The Agents lead Fry, Leela, and Bender into a hoverlimo and ride to Hollywood.
The hoverlimo takes Fry, Leela, and Bender to Hollywood. They stop in at Paralel Universal Studios where the show is being made. They are all making preparations to film the new series. There is a blob alien director and a robot producer who looks like Jet Jaguar, but only he's brown, black, and gray. James Garner's head is at the scene. Bender was wearing a tan blouse, dress pants, with an dark brown overcoat over the blouse. Fry was wearing a silk paisley blouse, dress pants, and brown shoes. Leela was wearing a shortsleeved white blouse, with a black skirt, tie, and boots.
Bender: Who's playing Rockford's father in this?
Calculon (walks in): I will.
Leela: Calculon? You're alive? You didn't die in that acting battle drinking poison?
Calculon: Robots never die!
James Garner: This is the director, Stephen J. CaBlob. This is the produce, Meta Rosenbot. I'm the executive producer.
CaBlob: Pleased to meet you!
Rosenbot: We need to get this show started.
Bender: This is like a dream come true for me! I've always wanted to be a 1970's detective!
James Garner (to Fry): One more thing....
Bender: One more thing! I thought we were remaking Rockford, not Columbo!
Leela: Zoidberg would be good for that part!
Bender (high fiving Leela): Right on, eyeball!
Fry: You wanted to see me?
James Garner: The character of Angel had a beard. So you're going to need to grow one when we start filming.
Fry: How am I supposed to grow a beard within seconds?
James Garner: No problem. This way!
Then James Garner's head stand opens and out comes a shot. Then shot injects Fry and a beard grows within seconds.
Fry (getting poked by the shot): OUCH!
James Garner: Impressive! You look like a regular Stuart Margolin!
Fry: Pretty cool! heh heh! (feels his beard)
Leela: I'll say! (touchs Fry's beard)
CaBlob: Okay, places everyone!
Rosenbot: The Rockford Files 3000 pilot episode take one.....lights, camera,.....action!
Fry, Leela, Bender, Calculon, all took their places on the set. The set looked like the set of the original Rockford Files, a trailer, a police station, and a highway, and it's filmed on location in Los Angeles.
Back in New New York at Planet Express. Farnsworth, Hermes and Amy start to grow concerned that they haven't heard from Fry, Leela, and Bender for a while.
Farnsworth: Maybe they've died...
Hermes: I can collect their organs if you want....
Amy: It's not like them not to contact us to let us know what they're doing....
Hermes: You're right Amy. You think we would've heard something by now!
Zoidberg (runs into the conference room): Oh my gosh! Bad news! Bad news!
Amy (scoffs): What did you do, did you run out of toenail clipping to eat?
Zoidberg: Mister Ed is off the air! Come look!
Farnsworth: Come on, let's give the baby what he wants!
They all run into the living room to see a news report on TV.
Linda: Good evening. For those who are tuning in to see Mister Ed, it's been canceled only after 3 episodes.
Morbo: That's right. Mister Ed has been eliminated. Like my kind will do to this pathetic planet some day!
Linda (laughs): And now here's something we all hope you'll really like!
Then the TV shows the Opening Credits to the new Rockford Files remake. It shows a desk with a computer and a picture of Calculon, the caption reads "Bender Rodguiz" in "The Rockford Files 3000" also starring "Calculon", "Philip J. Fry", and "Turanga Leela". The phone rings and it's Bender's voice on an answering machine.
Bender (as Rockford): This is Jim Rockford, please leave your name, your number, and a message and I'll get back to you! (beep)
Fry (as Angel): Rockford! Rockford! It's me! Angel! I'm being chased by the Armenian Mob! I witnessed a murder! Meet me at the corner of Santa Monica Blvd at the Justin Beiber memorial!
Then the Opening Credits show Bender as Rockford, Calculon as his father Joseph in scenes, and plays the theme song.
Hermes: Is it me, or is this some kind of Steven Bochco project that's over everyone's heads?
Farnsworth, Hermes, Amy, and Zoidberg were watching the Rockford Files 3000, they are very pleased with what they see. All expect Zoidberg. On the show, Bender is playing chess with Calculon as Fry waits for them. Fry and Bender are still wearing the same outfits.
Bender (as Rockford): Check mate!
Calculon (as Joseph): You never beat your old man at a game of chess!
Fry (as Angel): Jimmy! Jimmy! Please!
Bender (as Rockford): Shut up, Angel! Wait your turn!
Fry (as Angel): But this is urgent!
Bender (as Rockford): Excuse me, Dad! Have to go!
Calculon (as Joseph): I understand. Work comes first.
Bender (as Rockford): What is it you want now, (beep) head?
Farnsworth: This could be how they can save Planet Express!
Hermes: Sweet Sycamores of Jersey Shore! This is the best cop show ever!
Amy: Splell yeah it is! We should watch this because our friends are in it!
Zoidberg: Now how in the world could this be better than Mister Ed? I hate cop shows! They're an abomination, and a bad influence on our youth! I'm starting a campaign on my Facebook page to protest against this Rockford garbage! Who's with me!
Farnsworth, Hermes, and Amy look at him angerly. Within seconds, Zoidberg is thrown out of a window!
Now the scene was at a resturant, and Farnsworth, Amy, and Hermes watched. Fry was now wearing a black sport coat, a polo shirt underneath, and the same black pants.
Bender (as Rockford): Angel! Where's this mob boss you kept going on and on about?
Fry (as Angel): He's in the kitchen! He shot at me some, and then he went and stole my slug cheese......
Bender (as Rockford): Hold on, I'll take care of it!
Then Bender goes into a door and into the kitchen and sees the mob boss dressed as a cook.
Bender (as Rockford): You! Didn't anyone ever teach you that you can't fire guns in resturants?
Actor (as Mob Boss): Bite Me, Rockford!
Then Bender beats up the actor, and burns his face on a stove.
Actor (as Mob Boss): Yeeeeouch!
Later on in the episode, Bender and Leela were in a room.
Leela (as Becker): I already arrested the Mob Boss.
Bender (as Rockford): You seen Angel?
Leela (as Becker): Yes, he's being interogated about what he saw.
Bender (as Rockford): Just as long as Angel doesn't go bat(beep) and keeps his mouth shut about me being there.....
Then the scene goes to an interogation room as Fry was being interviewed by cops.
Fry (as Angel): R-O-C-K....F-O-R-D! Rockford!
CaBlob: And that's a wrap! Take five!
Song: Local H's Cool Magnet plays
Once the show debuted, everybody was going Rockford Files crazy. There's even products such as school supplies, lunch boxes, video game, board game, tshirts, jeans, hoodies, action figures, comic books, novels, pop up books,action figures, coloring books, socks, toys of their weapons, shoes, and even a yo-yo! Bender, Fry, Calculon, and Leela were on the cover of every Entertainment Magazine there was. They were even in the newpapers.
Weeks went by as Fry, Leela, and Bender were doing the show. As they were all taking a break, they were talking about how much they enjoy being on the new Rockford Files show. Bender, Fry, and Leela were all wearing their same clothes.
Bender: Who would've thought that being evil would finally pay off! And I get paid for it, too!
Fry: True chiz, dude! We're on the cover of every magazine! Women are finally starting to notice me!
Leela: You're not really evil, you're just playing a part.
Bender: Who cares! We're so awesome and cool, we're more popular than Zombie Jesus!
Leela: Don't let Zombie Religious groups hear you say that!
Bender: For the second time in my life, I have achieved success!
Fry: When was the first?
Bender: When I went on tour with Beck. But this is so much better than that! Now I have friends, servants, hookers in my trailer, money, fame, and power! The best part is, I'm playing a corrupt cop! Always wanted to be one! (yells at a Persian waiter who walks by and screams in Persian)
Persian Waiter: Yes, right away sir.
Bender: See? I am not giving this up for nothing!
Leela: Just glad we found a way to make money to save Planet Express. I'm rather liking this, too! But there's something strange about this...
Bender: Oh, great! Here we go! The cyclops always has to see a problem with it.
Leela: What I want to know is, why is it in this Rockford remake, he acts so corrupt? He almost acts like a Vic Mackey-type.
Fry: I'm on your side about this, Leela. Don't get it either. Don't like getting pushed around when I play Angel.
Just then, CaBlob, James Garner, and Rosenbot walk in.
James Garner: Great news! We just checked the ratings!
CaBlob: We're a hit!
Rosenbot: Over 90 Million Views!
Fry, Leela, and Bender cheer!
Fry and Leela: YAY!
Bender: We're a hit, baby!
James Garner: OKay, breaks over! Places everyone!
CaBlob: We're doing a location shot!
James Garner: We're going to downtown LA! You're not in this scene, Fry. So you'll have to watch and observe.
Fry (dejectedly): Okay.
Then Fry, Leela, and Bender went into the hoverlimo to go to the location shot which was on Rodeo Drive. Rosenbot and CaBlob were filming a scene as Bender and Calculon were running after an Actor playing a robber. The actor is a human who looks Hispanic. The actor was really a stunt man who had a bag of red food coloring taped to his head.
CaBlob: Rockford Files 3000, episode 12, lights.....camera.....
Bender (as Rockford): Come on, Dad! We're about close to getting to DelGado
Calculon (as Joesph): Slow down, Sonny! My legs ain't what they used to be!
Bender (as Rockford): I have in it for this son of a bitch!
Calculon (as Joesph): Why do you want to get this DelGado?
Bender (as Rockford): He killed my partner in the fourth Korean War.
Calculon (as Joesph): That's the thing about cop shows, you keep saying the name of the bad guy over and over!
Bender (as Rockford): Breaking Fourth Wall on me, there, Dad?
Calculon (as Joesph): Don't want you to go back to prison, Sonny! This time for something you did do.
Bender (as Rockford): Ain't gonna happen! Just because I was a con man, once!
Calculon and Bender caught up the actor, and follows him into a warehouse! Then Bender beats up the actor playing Delgado.
Actor (as Delgado): Stop beating me up or I'll call the police!
Bender (as Rockford): I am the police! (punches the actor)
Then Bender and Calculon hang his hands from a ceiling and start whipping him.
Actor (as Delgado): OUCH!! OUCH!! You (beep) (beep) (beep)
Bender (as Rockford): You think I'm bad, wait until you see what they do to your kind in prison! (whips actor)
Calculon (as Joesph): No, Sonny! You have to do it from the hip like this. (whips actor)
Actor (as Delgado): AAAAAHHHHHH!!!! I'm innocent!
Bender (as Rockford): That's what they all say! You're the farthest thing from innocent you (beep)! You killed my partner in the fourth Korean War!
Actor (as Delgado): I'm glad your (beep) partner is dead!
Bender takes out a gun and shoots the actor, and there's red dye and corn syrup everywhere.
Rosenbot: Cut! Great job!
CaBlob: Leela, we have a scene for you.
Leela: What do I have to do?
James Garner: You're going into the set that looks like the police building and interrogate a suspect.
Leela: I'm on it!
Fry: Good luck, Leela! I'll be rooting for you.
Inside the building that looked like the police department in the studio, Leela prepares for her scene. She's in the same room with an actor that looked like a robot.
CaBlob: Interogation scene for this episode!
Rosenbot: Quiet on the set, until I say you can go. In Five....Four.....Three.....Two....
Then the scene films as Leela interogates a suspect.
Leela (as Becker): Where were you on the night on Feburary 5th?
Robot Actor: I ain't saying nothing until my lawyer gets here!
Leela (as Becker): Oh, so that's how it's going to be?
Robot Actor: You're nothing but a cheap floozy!
Leela (as Becker): So, I'm a whore. Well, what about you? You have a prositition ring and you sell drugs to little kids, if anything, you're the floozy!
Robot Actor: I ain't saying nothing until my lawyer gets here!
Leela (as Becker): That's it! I'm done playing games! You're going to tell me, where the drugs are and who you're protecting....(slams fist on table) RIGHT NOW!!!!!
Robot Actor: I ain't saying nothing until my lawyer gets here you (beep)!
Leela (as Becker): You leave me no choice! Hee-yah! (karate kicks the Robot Actor and beats him up)
Rosenbot: Cut! Perfect! You're a natural!
CaBlob: That's exactly how Denise Becker should act!
Leela (as Becker): Really got into it!
James Garner: And that's a wrap! We just need one more scene and we're done with the episode!
Fry and Bender walk in.
Bender: Now you're acting corrupt! (laughs) That's exactly how you act in real life! And you judge me for playing a corrupt Rockford?
Leela: Was just doing what the script told me.
James Garner (hands everyone a check): Here's your pay! We're going to film the season finale soon!
Fry: Wow! 3 million for each of us! My parents always used to say I'd never amount to anything! Now I'm the star of the new hit TV Show!
Leela: Looks like your parents were wrong about you!
Fry: Like the sound of that!
James Garner: You guys can go home for a while, but then come back soon so we can shoot some more!
Fry, Leela, and Bender all take the hoverlimo back to New New York.
Farnsworth, Amy, and Hermes were waiting for them to come back, as Farnsworth was doing research on The Rockford Files. Planet Express was still on the verge of going out of business.
Hermes: The only thing that's making us feel better is that new Rockford show.
Amy: What I don't get is, why does he act like a raving maniac?
Farnsworth: I did some research. The Rockford Files starred an actor named James Garner. It debuted in 1974, and lasted until 1980. The character was easy going and friendly, and used to be a con man at first. Rockford also fought in the Korean War and got arrested for a crime he didn't commit, hence that's how he meet that character Fry plays, Angel, who was originally played by Stuart Margolin. This Rockford show is nothing like the original.
Amy: One thing's for sure, Leela plays herself when she's playing Denise Becker!
Hermes: Yes, and Fry plays himself when he plays Angel!
Amy: Don't tell Leela I said that! She'll punish me in the shower again!
Fry, Leela, and Bender walk in.
Leela: Good news!
Bender: We're back, baby!
Fry: With 3 million dollars from each of us!
Hermes, Amy, and Farnsworth: YAY!!! You save us!
Farnsworth: Yes! Thanks to you Planet Express is saved!
Leela and Fry hand over their checks to Farnsworth. Bender didn't want to give him his.
Fry: Come on, Bender!
Leela: Give the Professor your check!
Bender: No! This check is for me!
Leela (grabbing the check from Bender): It's for the company, you selfish ass!
Bender: Dammit! I was going to use that check to buy the Church of Scientology! And rename it The Church of Bender, then have Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and Kirsty Alley worship me!
Farnsworth: 9 million! That's enough to save the company!
Amy: You three are heroes. You always save us from the brink of disaster.
Hermes: Are you all going to come to do to deliveries?
Bender: Nope! We're going back to Hollywood! There, I get respect and I don't have to answer to some captialist scumbags like you!
Leela: Bender's right. We have to go back there to film the new season of Rockford. It's a commitment.
Fry: It's a big hit show. We need to be in this, but we promise we'll come back and visit.
Amy: Yes, we've been watching you.
Hermes: Why is the show so violent now? It's so graphic and explicit!
Leela: That's what we'll figure out somehow. Come on guys.
And with that, Fry, Leela, and Bender go inside the hoverlimo and go back to Hollywood to film more episodes.
At Marina Del Ray, Rosenbot, James Garner, and CaBlob were at the scene. There was a boat on a dock that's a mess, and an actor there who was black. They were preparing to film.
Bender: All right! A car chase scene!
Leela: You did enough of those already! And where's Fry?
Rosenbot: Bender, you're going on that boat and then you'll rough up that black guy.
CaBlob: Then an actor will speed by you with a car, and you go into a taxi and chase the suspect. Then you Leela, will crash into the car, and arrest the person driving! Places people!
Rosenbot: Rockford Files 3000 season premiere episode take 1! Lights, camera......
Then Bender runs into the boat and sees signs of a struggle. Then confronts the black guy actor about it.
Bender (as Rockford): Where's Angel?!
Black Actor: Just 'cause I'm black you suspect me of yo' friend disapearing? I ain't workin' for no one!
Bender (as Rockford): I know you're working for Whinebergson, where's Angel!
Black Actor: I ain't no (beep) man!
Bender then carries him off the boat, and dips his head into a vat of oil.
Bender (as Rockford): Where's Angel! Where's Angel!
Black Actor: I tells ya! I ain't no nothin' man! (covered with oil.) I ain't know no Angel!
Then a hovercar speeds by, and Bender runs off the boat, and stops a hovertaxi.
Bender (as Rockford): I'm a private detective, I need to comindeer your vehicle!
Actor (as Taxi Driver): Ya talkin' to me!
Bender (as Rockford): Yes, I'm talking to you, DeNiro! Give me your taxi!
Actor (as Taxi Driver): No!
Bender punches and throws out the Taxi Driver and chases after a suspect in the hovercar. Then the actor starts shooting at Bender.
Actor (as Taxi Driver): This is how we do it in New York!
Bender (as Rockford): This is how we do in my neighboor, bi-tach! (shoots at suspect in hovercar)
It continues on as so, until Bender shoots at the hovertaxi and runs out of ammo. Then a police hovercar crashes into the suspects hovercar, and out comes Leela to arrest him.
Leela (as Becker): Prepare to do some hard time in the slammer, pal! Let's see how tough you are in prison. (slaps cuffs on suspect).
Bender gets out of the hovertaxi to meet Leela.
Leela (as Becker): Well, Rockford. Looks like I'm steps ahead of you again.
Bender (as Rockford): One day, I'll one up you. Now where's Angel?
Then they both hear a blubbe
Leela (as Becker): Go look at the left side of the suspects car.
Bender (as Rockford): In the trunk?
Leela (as Becker): Where do you think?
The blubbering sound is Fry.
Fry (as Angel): Blub! Blub! Blub! Blub!
Bender (as Rockford): Angel! You in the gas tank?
Fry (as Angel): Glub! Me! Out! Of! Here!
CaBlob: And......cut! Great job, people! Take 5!
James Garner: Get Fry out of the gas tank now!
Rosenbot: We'll start filming the next episode tommorow.
CaBlob and Rosenbot get Fry out of the gas tank.
Fry (breathing hard): They don't call this acting for nothing!
Now Fry was wearing a waiter uniform.
Bender: You're the only one skinny enough to fit in that gas tank!
Leela: It was impressive how you were able to hold your breath for that long.
Fry: You think? (breaths hard)
Leela: OKay, nobody light a match!
Bender lights a cigarrette and Leela takes it away from him. Then Leela asks James Garner's head as soon as he was leaving.
Leela: Excuse me. Who's writing the scripts for this?
James Garner: Have no idea. Don't have anything do to with writing them. I'm just an executive producer.
CaBlob: I'm not writing the scripts.
Rosenbot: Neither am I.
Leela decides it's time to do some investigating.
Still at the scene, Leela wants to do some research about the writing of the new Rockford Files show.
Leela: Fry, Bender. Come with me.
Fry: Where are we going?
Leela: You'll see...
Bender, Leela, and Fry all walk away from Paralel Universal Studios, and across the street there was the writing facility. They all cross the street and approach the building.
Fry: Why are you doing this, Leela?
Leela: I want to find out once and for all, why this new Rockford Files show has a TV-MA rating.
Fry: If you're curious, then so am I! (tries to hug Leela)
Leela: Aww, that's sweet of you Fry. You should take a shower first to wash off all that gas.
Bender: I don't care what you think! For once in my life I'm cool for being bad ass!
Leela: The writing facility is on the top floor.
The Building has a warning sign that says, "Tresspassers Will Be Shot".
Bender: I hope you get shot and killed for this you two. I honestly do!
Leela: Shut up and give me and Fry a boost!
Bender (mockingly): Overused cliche! Give me a boost!
Then Bender begrudgely boosts Fry and Leela, and then himself up onto the top floor. They are inside the building. They see the room where the show is being written, but it's across and has a huge hole in the middle of the room, and there's way to get to it.
Fry: How are we going to get across?
Bender: Who cares who's writing this show! It could be a bunch of monkeys chained to laptops for all we know.
Leela: Be quiet and elongate yourself Bender, then we'll walk across you.
Bender: All right, fine! (elongates himself).
Fry and Leela walk over Bender to get to the writers room. There was a window. Bender pulled himself back to normal and joined them.
Bender: I should be walking over you!
There is an evil laugh in the distance. They see through the window and saw a puma that looks like a mushroom, and a man with a bag over his head typing on a laptop.
Leela (gasps): I knew it!
Fry: Looks like you were right all along.
Leela: So, _that's_ who's been writing for the Rockford Files 3000 and making it violent, vulgar, and explicit!
Bender: Erik Estrada? That dude from CHiPS? He seems to me he'd have it in for James Garner.
Fry: It looks like a Wal-Mart clerk to me.
Leela: Even worse you guys. It's........................Langdon Cobb!
Fry, Bender, and Leela watch Langdon Cobb some more.
Langdon (laughs evilly): And I have a scene specifically for you, my new little mushroom puma pet! (laughs evilly)
Then Fry, Bender and Leela stop watching and go back the same way they came in without getting caught. Langdon Cobb pets his mushroom puma.
Back in New New York, Farnsworth, Hermes, and Amy were all getting ready to watch The Rockford Files 3000.
Hermes: Wonder what crazy antics await Rockford today!
Amy: Guess we're about to find out....
Farnsworth: Good thing they've mailed their checks to us. Who would've thought Planet Express would go from rags to riches all because of a show about a corrupt cop?
On the TV, it shows Bender go to a mansion, and he sees Fry in a pool who's on a float wearing teddy bear swim trunks.
Fry (as Angel): What up, Rockford my main man?
Bender (as Rockford): Well, well, well, if it isn't The Great Gatsby! He was a criminal once, too!
Fry (as Angel): Who would've thought being married to the mob would have it's benefits?
Bender (as Rockford): Just don't get used to it! Or you'll end up like Gatsby!
Later on in the episode, it shows Bender shocking an actor with car cable breaks, he's in a trailer.
Bender (as Rockford): You going to talk, (beep)
Actor (as Mob Boss): No, I expect you to let me die!
Calculon (as Joseph): Here sonny, have some better ones! These'll do the trick! (hands Bender breaker cables)
Bender (as Rockford): Awww, Dad. I don't need advice to torture suspects.
Calculon (as Joseph): Okay, keep your eye on Angel then.
Bender ties up the actor playing a mobster and goes to where Fry is, who's sitting on a couch. Fry is now wearing a green leisure suit.
Fry (as Angel): I wish I could've gotten to know that mob princess better.
Bender (as Rockford): We had to get that marriage annalled. Her father is a suspected serial killer.
Fry (as Angel): It would've been nice to just settle down....
Bender (as Rockford): Did you bring the sleeping bags?
Fry (as Angel): I did.
Bender (as Rockford): Did you bring the marshmallows, chocolate bars, and graham crackers?
Fry (as Angel): Right here. (hitting a bag)
Bender (as Rockford): Did you remember to turn off the gasoline valve in this trailer?
Fry (as Angel): I FORGOT!!!! (panics)
Bender and Fry run out of the trailer, and it explodes! Then the suspect was on fire.
Actor (as Mob Boss): HELP! I'm on fire!
Fry (as Angel): Maybe we should tell him to stop, drop, and roll?
Bender (as Rockford): Shut up, Angel!
Then Leela comes in with a hovercar, and gets out.
Leela (as Becker): What's going on here?
Bender (as Rockford): Genius here forgot to turn off the valve in the trailer! And our suspect is on fire!
Leela (as Becker): I'll take care of it! Hee-ya! (karate kicks Actor who falls into a pond.)
Just then out of nowhere, a Mushroom-like Puma appears.
Bender (as Rockford): Angel? Did you order a circus animal?
James Garner: Wait a minute...
Rosenbot: This isn't in the script...
CaBlob: Where did that come from!
Then the Mushroom Puma attacks Fry, and carries him off, and then it picks up Leela, Rosenbot, and CaBlob.
Mushroom Puma: RRRROOOOOOAAAARRRRRRR!
Rosenbot: What is going on?
James Garner: Cut to commercial!
The TV shows a commercial that had a box of Calgon that had an Oriental-looking face on it.
Jingle (to the tune of Farmer In the Dell): Ancient Chinese Secret! Ancient Chinese Secret! Calgon murders every stain with a samari sword!
Back at Planet Express, Farnsworth, Hermes, and Amy are scared to see what was going on.
Hermes: Sweet Land Mines of Anaheim! What the hell just happened?
Amy: Hope they're okay.....
Zoidberg (coming from behind the couch): Alls I know is this is the part of the movie where I keep thinking why don't they just get out of the house?
Hermes: Wait a minute! Who let you back in?
Amy: Spluh! I thought you hated Rockford!
Zoidberg: I'll show myself out! (jumps out of the window)
Back in Los Angeles, Bender looks around only to see Langdon Cobb jump into the studio out of nowhere.
James Garner: We're trying to film a show here!
Calculon: What are you doing here?
Langdon: Tis I! Langdon Cobb! I came back for revenge!
Bender: Hey, revenge is my area of expertise!
Fry: Bender! Help us!
Leela: You can do it, Bender!
James Garner: What did we ever do to you?
Langdon: I was originally going to play James Rockford! Until you had to give the part to that robot! That robot tried to exploit me!
Leela: Bender! Get him!
Calculon: You get him Bender! I tried and lost!
Then Langdon Cobb exposes his face and the souls of Fry, CaBlob, and Leela are sucked out and into the Mushroom Puma.
James Garner: Ha! We heads in jars are immune to your soul sucking! I'm glad I didn't cast you as Rockford! You're too much of an egotist!
Song: Hard Fi's Suburban Knights plays.
Bender: I'll kick his ass this time!
Langdon Cobb and Bender fought each other by hitting, kicking, wrestling, and karate. They were even sword fighting! The more they fought, the more the Mushroom Puma grew! As did Langdon Cobb's ego!
James Garner: Bender! Try to hit that Puma!
Bender (takes out a champagne bottle and shakes it up): Like Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber, "I think this calls for a little of the bubbly!"
Then Bender pops open the cock, and it lands on the Mushroom Puma, and it explodes.
Langdon Cobb: NNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Then all the souls of Fry, Leela, and CaBlob are restored back into their bodies. Langdon Cobb runs away.
Langdon: You may have won this round, but I'll be back! (straps on jet pack and flies away)
Fry: Wow, Bender! You saved us!
Leela: How can we ever repay you?
James Garner: Have to admit. That was a very admirable thing you did, Bender. You have a lot of guts! You derserve to be the new Jim Rockford!
Bender: Awwww, it was nothing!
James Garner: I must confess. Langdon Cobb blackmailed me. He threated to ruin the show if I tried to remake it and didn't cast him as Rockford. Didn't believe him at first, and then I saw the script, and didn't think nothing of it at the time...
Leela: Don't beat yourself up, Mr. Garner. You didn't know.
CaBlob: People have been wanting to see another Rockford show again.
Rosenbot: Everyone wants The Rockford Files to go back to the way it used to be. Now that Langdon Cobb is out of the way.
Fry: You know what? Our lives are in New New York.
Leela: We did this so we can save our campany from going out of business.
James Garner: That was a very honorable thing to do. You know what? You guys can go home, I'll just hire some look a likes to play your roles! Don't think anyone in this day and age would know the difference. Besides, I can't play Rockford anymore, all I am is just a head in a jar.
Bender: Aww, dammit! Fame and fortune have been taken away from me once again!
Fry, Leela, and Bender all say their final goodbyes to James Garner, CaBlob, and Rosenbot. They all go back to New New York.
Scene 11 Conclusion:
Back at Planet Express, Farnsworth was congratuating Fry, Leela, and Bender on a job well done. The New Rockford Files show was still a hit, and they got lookalikes of Fry, Leela, and Bender to play the roles, Calculon remained on the show. Fry's beard was now gone.
Farnsworth: Because of your heroic efforts to save our company, Planet Express is once again in business!
Fry and Leela: HOORRAAYY!!!
Bender: We're back, Baby! Although, I'm going to miss playing a corrupt cop. Aw, hell! I can always become one for real one day!
Leela: We were happy to do it, Professor!
Fry: Hey, where are the others?
Farnsworth: Oh, they got jealous of you being on that new Rockford Files remake, they got an opportunity to remake a 1970's show!
Leela: Who agreed to do it?
Farnsworth: Zoidberg. He wanted to do it to get Mister Ed back on the air. The Rockford Files went back to the way it used to be back in the 1970's.
Bender: Wonder which show?
The theme to "What's Happening" plays as it shows a car running down the street with Hermes and Amy in the back dressed as Haywood Nelson and Danielle Spencer. Zoidberg is running down the street after the car dressed as ReRun.
Closing Credits scene shows James Garner's head in a white background.
James Garner: Hello. I'm James Garner's head. Contrary to what you just seen in tonight's episode, a remake of The Rockford Files and making it vulgar and violent like the one Fry, Leela, and Bender starred in would not be cool. Some classics are just not meant to be remade. And The Rockford Files is one of them. I don't care what you think you know, keep the classics as they are. If it did get remade, they'd probably get some teeny bopper to play Rockford like Robert Patenson or one of those Jonas Brothers. Just look what a disaster that remake of "All The Kings Men" remake was. If you want to join the fight to not get classics remade, just start a compaign on Facebook or Twitter. This is James Garner's head signing off for Futurama. Good Night Everyone.
Then a black screen with a star comet and a rainbow tail goes by and a caption that says, "DON'T MESS WITH THE BEST" are shown.