Futurama

Fan Fiction

Public Access Omicron
By Trenton Sands

Opening Credits Scene:

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Screen: Mutt and Jeff cartoon


Scene 1: On Omicron Peresi 8, Lrrr and Ndnd were getting ready to watch TV.

Lrrr: Hurry Ndnd! It's starting!

Ndnd (in the bathroom): I'm coming!

Lrrr: What's taking you so long? Don't you want to see Neptunian Beach?

Ndnd: Hold on! I'm giving birth to Ryan Seacrest's love child!

Lrrr: Hate that joke. It's the special episode where Lauren Conrad's head makes a guest appearence!

Ndnd (comes out of the bathroom): OKay, I'm here. Lauren Conrad. Didn't she audition for "Square Dancing With The Has-Beens"?

Lrrr: No, that was Kristy Cavalari. What took you so long?

Ndnd: Girl's gotta look her best! Even when she's married.

When Lrrr and Ndnd turned on the TV, the power goes out.

Lrrr (screams in terror): What happened?

Ndnd: Lrrr! You wimp! It's a power outage!

Lrrr: Turn on the backup generator!

Ndnd: I'll do it! I'm the one who wears the pants around here!

The power was back on as soon as Ndnd turned on the backup generator.

Lrrr: You know, Ndnd. That's only one planet responsible for this.......

Ndnd: You mean......

Lrrr: Yes, the one planet that's always caused all our problems! (The camera closes in on Lrrr's face) EARTH!!!!!!!

Ndnd (sighs): I'll start the spaceship. Don't know why I put up with this.....


Scene 2:

Lrrr and Ndnd were in their spaceship about to take off.

Ndnd: Atomic Batteries to power! Turbines to speed!

Lrrr: Roger, ready to move out...

Their spaceship takes off and heads for Earth. It's destination is Washington DC. At the White House, Pres. Nixon's head was giving Zapp Branigan a medal.

Nixon: Zapp Branigan, for your excellence in bravery....

Kiff: More like excellence in narcississm......(under his breath) Amy taught me that joke.

Zapp: Quiet, lackey!

Nixon: I give you the Wholy......

Lrrr and Ndnd's spaceship landed next to the White House and they break in.

Nixon: Moley!

Zapp: Don't worry Mr, President, I'll handle this. Kiff, go cower in the corner!

Lrrr: It was you, wasn't it?

Kiff: We don't know what you're talking about!

Ndnd: Lrrr thinks you caused a power outage on our planet while we were trying to watch Neptunian Beach.

Zapp: This is Single Female Lawyer all over again. You'll never take us alive! You can have Kiff.....

Lrrr (pulls out a stun gun): How about I take both of you?

As Lrrr shot Zapp, Kiff, and Nixon, Ndnd rounded them up.

Ndnd: So, this is your master plan?

Lrrr: In due time, Ndnd! Next stop, New New York!


Scene 3:

Lrrr and Ndnd drove their spaceship to Central Park where Linda and Morbo got done doing a news broadcast.

Cameraman: Okay, take 5.

Linda: Hey, look Morbo! Aliens are coming!

Lrrr and Ndnd walk up to Morbo.

Morbo: What do you pathetic sub spieces want?

Lrrr: You caused that power outage on our planet!

Morbo: Morbo did no such thing!

Lrrr: You have something to do with TV, that proves you did it!

Morbo: Look, just because I.....

Lrrr and Ndnd both hit Morbo with their stun guns. Linda runs away and screams as Ndnd rounds up Morbo.


Scene 4:

At Planet Express, everyone was getting ready to watch All My Circuits.

Bender: Hurry up you pathetic losers! It's starting!

Fry: It's that episode where Calculon and Monique get back together!

Bender: What did I tell you about revealing spoilers, scrawny? (slaps Fry)

Fry: Ouch!

Leela (grabs remote): I'll turn it on.

When Leela turns on the TV, she accidently turns on the YouTube Video Channel. It shows Fry laying his bed and the TV in Fry's bedroom has a black face and says, 'I'm-A-Gonna-Firin-Mah-Laser' and zaps Fry. Leela was behind the curtain filming it.

Leela: Oops! Wrong channel! Cool effects, huh?

Fry: That dude in bed looks kind of familiar.

Bender: Yes, and so does that peson behind the curtain.

Hermes: Anyone know anything about this?

Amy: Talk about an immature prank.

Leela: Uhhhh (laughs nervously and then gets mad): You all saw nothing! Let's forget about it and watch All My Circuits!

Bender: Whatever you say, eyeclops.

Leela turns on the channel and a Public Access Show comes on.

Zoidberg: No, it can't be! It can't be! I'm terrified of change!

On the TV, Ed McMahon's head appears on the stage.

Ed McMahon's Head: Ha ha ha! YES! Ha ha ha! Hi-O! I'm Ed McMahon! Now I'm not here to sell you Term Life Insurance or make you win One Million Dollars from Publishers Clearning House. I'm here to Co-Host the first ever Omicron Peresi 8 Public Access Show! And Now, HHHHHHEEEEEEERRRRRREEEE'S Lrrr!

Lrrr appears on the stage.

Bender: Fry! Get your skinny ass over there and change the channel!

Fry: Right, Bender.

When Fry tries to change the channel, all that was on was Lrrr's show.

Fry (panicked) It's on every station!

Bender: Why do skinny people panic all the time?

Leela: Let's watch anyway and see what he's up to!

A Band is playing the theme from The Tonight Show.

Lrrr: Greetings! I am Lrrr! Ruler of Omicron Peresi 8! I have taken over Earth's TV to bring to you this Public Access Show! Which is on 24 Hours a Day, 7 Days a Week! We'll have a great show for you tonight! We'll have music, comedy, drama, and variety!

Zoidberg: Say, wwwwwwwhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaattttttttt?!?!?!?!?!?!


Scene 5:

The PE Crew continued to watch Lrrr's show.

Lrrr: It's like Roman Polanski at a Hannah Montana concert!

Audience laughs.

Lrrr: When I grew up we were poor! We eat in the soup kitchen and say, "This is good!"

Audience laughs.

Hermes: Lrrr's like a South American dictator! Always on TV.

Zoidberg (singing): South America! Calling out around the world.....

Amy: Shut up, Zoidberg!

Leela: He's stealing jokes from Jay Leno.

Fry: Is this going to be like TV's Bloopers and Practical Jokes? What's your opinon on this, Bender?

Bender (angerly): Once again, somebody has to beat me to the punch of what I want to do!

Leela: You want your own Public Access Show? You can still do it.

Bender: Look at him! He's taken over television! Telling jokes! That should be me!

Amy: Looks guys, Ndnd's coming.

Lrrr: Here's my bitchy and domineering (ahem) I mean lovely wife, Ndnd!

The audience claps for her as she confronts Lrrr.

Ndnd: Those people you kidnapped say they had nothing to do with the power outage!

Lrrr: What are you implying woman! Trying to ruin my fun!

Bender: Lrrr and Ndnd. The Ralph and Alice of Omicron Peresi 8.

Ndnd: Maybe it was one of those Planet Express people who did it.

Lrrr: You could be right! I'll send my armies to get after them. But in the meantime, please enjoy this musical scene of the Robot Mafia performing Senza Momma, from The Godfather Part 2!

As the Robot Mafia came onto the stage to sing Senza Momma, Lrrr's armies jump into their spaceships and head for Planet Express!

Leela: Oh, Lord. Fry go hide. We're blamed everytime something happens on Omicron Peresi 8!


Scene 6:

Scruffy and Fry hide upstairs as Leela, Bender, Hermes, and Amy prepare to battle the armies.

Bender: Man, how I love to kick Lrrr's ass!

Leela: Okay, gang. They're coming!

The doorbell rings.

Amy: Zoidberg, get the door!

Zoidberg goes to get the door and two Omicrons dressed as trick or treaters are there.

Omicrons: Twick or Tweet!

Hermes: Zoidberg will be our decoy!

Zoidberg: Children! I love sweet children! Hi, kids! Want some.....

The Omicrons knock out Zoidberg and break into Planet Express.

Leela: Okay, Omicrons, prepare to......

Bender: Bite my shiny metal......

Leela, Bender, Hermes, and Amy all get overpowered with a gas bomb. They all get knocked out and fall asleep.

Fry: What's happening? Bender?! Leela?!

Scruffy: They're coming!

The Omicron armies run upstairs, spot Fry and Scruffy and take them away.

Fry (sees everyone knocked out): Bender! Leela! Help!

Scruffy: I'll 'second' to say this! We're boned!

The Omicron armies all run to their spaceships and have Fry and Scruffy as captives.


Scene 7:

At Lrrr's Public Access Show, Walt, Larry, and Ignar were on performing circus style stunts on Lrrr's show to the tune of Coldplay's Charlie Brown.

Omicron in Audience: Are those your sons, Ma'am? You must be very proud!

Mom (drinking a bottle of Maalox): No question!

In Lrrr's castle in a luxury suite, Fry slowly begins to wake up.

Fry: Oooooh, where am I?

Then Fry finds himself in a luxury suite laying on a bed. Fry also finds his pants are gone and he still has his, jacket, shirt, and shoes. He has on pink boxer shorts with red hearts on them.

Fry (gasps): My pants are gone! What's going on! (gets down on his knees) Mom! Dad! It's me, Philip! Please let my friends Bender and Leela come and save me! (sobs)

Just then Lrrr comes in.

Lrrr: Come with us now!

Fry: What do you want with me? I've never done anything to you! We're friends sometimes. Remember the Yivo incident?

Lrrr: Your friends will never find you. I had them subdued!

Fry: I know I saw! Bender are Leela are going to kick your ass!

Lrrr's guards run in and grab Fry and put laser cuffs on his wrists and ankles and gag his mouth.

Lrrr: You caused that power outage! And for that, for our show's finale, we will put your brain into a gorilla! Throw him in with the others!

The guards lead Fry into a room where, Zapp, Kiff, Morbo, and Scruffy were being held. They too were cuffed and gagged.


Scene 8:

Back at Planet Express, Bender, Leela, Hermes, and Amy were waking up.

Bender: Now I know how sober people feel.

Leela: They must've taken Fry.

Hermes: Sweet Hyenas of Virginia!

Amy: I feel like I can barf like a freshman.

Bender: All right, shut up. All of you! Enough complaining! We are going to Omicron Peresi 8 and take down Lrrr, and take what's rightfully mine!

Leela: I'll start the ship.

Bender grabs Leela by the shirt collar.

Leela: What the...

Bender: I'm the spaceship captain! Give me the keys, I'l driving!

Leela (gives Bender the keys): Fine. We also need to get Fry and Scruffy back.

They all run to the Planet Express ship. Bender flies the ship to Omicron Peresi 8. Zoidberg is left behind.

Zoidberg: Where's the pickles? Where's the pickles? Anyone seen the pickles?


Scene 9:

Lrrr announces the final act of the day.

Lrrr: For our final performance, I am going to put a man's brain into a gorilla!

Fry, Zapp, Kiff, Scruffy, and Morbo were all lined up waiting to get put in a brain simulator and a transplant machine. There was also a gorilla in the cage.

Lrrr: This brain simulator will determine if the brain is worthy enough!

Bender lands the ship at Omicron Peresi 8.

Leela: This must be where the show is.

Bender (calling out): Hey, Omicrons! Come out and play!

Hermes: I say we use the Trojan Horse Method.

Amy: We'll need to build a statue!

Bender: No! (opens his compartment and puts everyone inside): We go undercover!

As Bender was walking to the castle, he was dressed as an Omicron. A guard lets him in. Once inside, Bender lets everyone out.

Leela (Gasps): Hard to breathe. We need to get upstage. Bender, give us all a boost.

Bender picks up Leela, Hermes, and Amy. They all lay in wait upstage as they watch Scruffy get his brain examined.

Lrrr: Guess his brain's not good enough, next!

Scruffy is lead away and Zapp is put in the simulator.

Lrrr: Still not good enough! Next!

Then Kiff is put in the simulator.

Amy (crying): Oh, no! Kiff! My Fon Fon Ru! Why?

Bender: Quiet, chopsticks!

Leela: Want them to hear us?

Hermes: Looks like he's not good enough.

Lrrr: Dammit! Still not good, next!

Kiff is lead away and Morbo is now in the simulator.

Lrrr: Nope! Guess not! Last time's the charm!

Morbo is lead away and Fry is put in the simulator. Suddenly sirens ring!

Lrrr: I think we found our brain! Strap him to the gurney!

Guards take Fry and strap him to the gurney. They put a helmet attached to the transplant machine. Fry muffles in protest as his head is shaved bald.

Bender: They're giving Fry the old Kojak treatment!

Hermes: He makes Mr. Clean look like Regular Clean!

Leela: Now's our chance! Bender and I will fight, and you two free the prisoners!

Hermes and Amy: Right!

They all jump down from the stage. Bender and Leela confront Lrrr and Hermes and Amy free the prisonsers and the gorilla.

Lrrr: That's right! Philip J. Fry is responsible for......(sees Leela and Bender) What the hell?!

Bender: You are expiriencing technical difficulties! Please stand by while I kick your ass!


Scene 10 Conclusion:

Leela confronts Ndnd as she tries to block her path.

Ndnd: Did you come back for another Nag Off?

Leela: No, I came for this! Hee-ya! (karate kicks Ndnd).

Ndnd flies into the band as Bender faces off with Lrrr.

Lrrr: Bender! You and your friends caused that power outage!

Bender: Yeah, that's right. Blame the robot for everything!

Lrrr: You're ruining my Public Access Show!

Bender: Want to file a report? Tell it to my complaint department!

Then Bender moons Lrrr and fire comes out of Bender's behind, Lrrr turns away and his butt is on fire!

Lrrr: Ndnd! Get the Icy Hot!

Ndnd: Get it yourself, pyro pants!

Bender: And now a word from Bender's Discount Spaceship Company!

Lrrr and Ndnd both run away while Hermes and Amy show up with the gorilla and the prisoners. Leela unstraps Fry from the gurney and takes off his cuffs.

Kiff: Oh, Amy! Thanks for saving me!

Amy: Glad you're okay!

Kiff and Amy kiss while Zapp walks up to Leela with the Gorilla carrying him.

Morbo: Wonder if Steve Centanni has had days like this?

Zapp: Leela, just want you to know that I've moved on!

Leela (cynically): Good, I'm glad.

Zapp (getting carried by the Gorilla): Come Coconuts, We'll go to my Love Shack! That's where it's at!

Fry (hugs Leela): You're my Knight in Shining Armour!

Bender: What about me? I helped in this, too!

Fry: Do you still like me even though I'm bald?

Leela: Hair doesn't matter to me, it will grow back. Besides, I kind of like the bald head. You look like Billy Corgan!

Amy: Splah! Or Dwayne Johnson!

Fry: Who's Billy Corgan?

Leela: And you lived through the 1990s.

Bender: Okay, folks! Nothing else to see, show's over! Until I take over one day!

Hermes: Don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.

Everyone went home and celebrated another victory. The next day, at Robot Arms Apts, Fry is still feeling bad about being bald.

Fry (looking into a mirror): Not only am I scrawny, I'm bald too! What could be worse?

Bender (runs into Fry's room): Fry! I got a surprise for you!

Fry: I am in no mood for your jokes!

Bender: This will make you feel better about your baldness!

Fry: Want to sit here, pout, and feel sorry for myself! I've always been proud of being a redhead and.....

Bender: You're ashamed of being skinny!

Then Bender drags Fry to Planet Express. Leela, Amy, and Hermes were all wearing fedoras run out to confront Bender.

Leela: Bender! What the hell did you do to us?

Bender: Whatever are you talking about, eyeball?

Hermes: We're talking about.....

Amy: This!

Leela, Hermes, and Amy take off their fedoras and reveal they are bald!

Fry: Wow! Awesome! I feel better about my baldness! Forget the wig, Amy!

Leela: Since you did this at our expense, I'm okay with it.

Amy: Me too. If it's to help out Fry!

Hermes: So am I! Look like an intellectual!

Bender: We'll now call ourselves, the Mr Clean and Kojak Express! (laughs) Ain't I a stinker?

THE END

Closing Credits.

Buddies