Futurama

Fan Fiction

The Arachno-Spore Robot
By Trenton Sands

Opening Credits Scene:

Futurama

Dispite All Our Rage, We're Still Just a Rat In a Cage

Screen: Baby Blues Cartoon


Scene 1:

One spring night at New New York at Planet Express, beaurcrat Hermes Conrad was done working for the day.

Hermes (sighs): Done for the day, as my Grandmother would say, A slacker can work from sun to sun, but a beaurcrat's job is never done!

Just then, Hermes goes to a closet and finds his secret stash is gone!

Hermes (screams): NNNNNOOOOO!!!!! Who took it!

Then, Hermes runs around frantically and sees nobody is there. He runs into the living room only to see Bender watching TV.

Hermes: Bad news! My marijuana is gone! Where is everybody?

Bender: Just me here! Now leave me alone! I'm watching Gerlado's head!

Hermes: Bender? Is that you?

Bender: No, it's the Nortorious B.I.G.!

Hermes: Where's everybody else?

Bender: They all went to get supplies for Fry's birthday.

Hermes: I have some bad news.

Bender (disgusted): Oh, all right. Let's hear it. What's your poison?

Hermes: Someone stole my secret stash of marijuana!

Bender: Well, what do you want me to do about it?

Hermes: Perhaps you can steal some for me? You're known to do that sort of thing!

Bender: You're asking me to commit drug theft? I'm in, baby!

Hermes: Excellent! Know where we can get some?

Bender: Here I go to save the day! But, only under one condition!

Hermes: OKay, what?

Bender: You'll have to call me Mr. Drummond!

Hermes decided to ignore that remark.


Scene 2:

Later on tht night Bender got off the internet.

Hermes: What did you find out?

Bender: I found out on Twitcher where you can get some marijuana dirt cheap!

Hermes: Really? Where? Tell me!

Bender: A planet called Desert Canyon! It's a human colony.

Hermes: Is that like Mount Rushmore?

Bender (sarcastically): Yeah, sure. Why not? (Normal): The planet looks like a cross between Arizona and New New Mexico! What are we waiting for? (plays accordian): Let's steal some weed, already!

Hermes and Bender board the Planet Express ship, then Bender flies to the planet Desert Canyon.

Bender: Welp, looks like another fun adventure! Just the two of us, and I don't mean Bill Withers! Like Mexico all over again. (looks at Hermes): What's wrong, Neptunian got your tongue?

Hermes: No, it's just that you and I have nothing in common. I've always thought I'd be stealing weed with Labarbra. What are you and I going to talk about?

Bender continues to fly the ship and tries to talk to Hermes.

Bender: Yo, Al Jolsen! Been back to Jamaica lately? Is Labarbra back with Barbados Slim? How's the kids? (Long pause) So, have any brothers or sisters?


Scene 3:

Hermes and Bender arrive on the Planet Desert Canyon. They rented a hovercar Bender drove. The humans who live on the planet are all raggedy and trashy.

Bender: All we need to do is look for a store.

Hermes (turns on radio): Let's play some jams!

The song "Sugar Pie Honey Bunch" plays.

Bender: What kind of crap is that?

Hermes: The Temptations!

Bender: No, no, no, no, no, Busta Rhymes! We're not listening to that in my presence! (changes the channel)

The song "Ramble On" plays.

Hermes: Sweet Bon Bons of Oregon! What is that infernal racket?

Bender: Led Zepplin!

Hermes: Change it!

Bender: Look, either we listen to my music or no weed? Which is it Jay-Z?

Hermes: Fine.

Bender (seeing a store): I think we found some weed right now!

The hovercar parks besides a convenience store. Meanwhile in the distance, an android who looks like Ernest Blofeld who was drinking Arachno-Spores to stay alive watches in a distance. His name is Arachnofeld.

Arachnofeld: So, those fools think they're going to get some weed, eh? Not if I get some first! Once I get some, I'm using it for my Doomsday Device and I will rule the.......

Just then a vulture crows!

Vulture: *SQUAWK!*

Arachnofeld: SHUT UP! (falls off cliff and survives)


Scene 4:

Hermes and Bender walk into the convience store.

Bender: There's sure to be some here! (gasps) Beer!

Hermes: (cynically): Suit yourself.

Bender drinks as much as possible and some lands on Hermes's shirt.

Hermes: Eeek-a-Mouse! See! This is why we have nothing in common!

Bender: Like I want anything in common with you! Bad enough I have to work with you.

Hermes: Weed is supposed to bring people together.

Bender: Beer does, too. We're no Cheech and Chong, that's for sure! Want us to be like those 20-something potheads over there?

The Potheads were men dressed like stereotypical hippies.

Pothead #1: (putting on featherhat): How! Does that feel, man?

Pothead #2: I don't know, I may have some reservations about this, dude!

Hermes: This is what I mean! You're here for your beer, and we're supposed to be here for my weed! I think of others, you think only of youself!

Bender: All right, fine! (goes up to clerk): Excuse me, do you have any Weed Poupon?

The desk clerk looks like a 90's grunger.

Clerk: Just sold the last batch to an android and those potheads! Besides, I'M NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HERE TODAY!

Hermes: Where can we find some?

Clerk: You might want to try that biker bar miles from here.

Hermes and Bender leave and head for the biker bar.

Bender: Want to listen to The Doors? There's lyrics about getting high! You should hear Light My Fire!

Hermes: That's another thing! We don't even like the same music!

Bender: We're headed for the biker bar. Could learn a thing or two from them.

Hermes: Whatever! I just want my weed!

Bender parks their hovercar at the biker bar.


Scene 5:

Hermes and bender get out of the hovercar and enter the biker bar.

Bender: This must be the biker bar, Biggie Smalls!

Hermes: Will you stop addressing me as rap stars?

Bender: At least I didn't call you Tupac!

All the bikers looked at them.

Bender: Excuse me, biker comrades! Do you know where we can get some cheap weed?

Biker #1: Yes, we'll tell you!

Biker #2: But, first, you gotta dance for us!

Bender (grabs Hermes): He's a good dancer!

Hermes: Bender, please! I couldn't possibly.....

Biker #3 (pulls knife): Better do it!

Hermes: I like to limbo, would you settle for that?

Biker #4: No, dance! (gives Hermes platform shoes).

Hermes hesitantly puts on the platform shoes while Bender hits the jukebox and "Tequila" plays. Hermes starts dancing on a table top while Bender secrety steals beer and gives some to the bikers and puts Laughing Gas in it. All the bikers were laughing uncontrollably and Bender and Hermes sneak out. One of the bikers follows them.

Hermes: Did you steal beer again?

Bender: Sure did! I put Laughing Gas in it so we could get away.

They turn around to see their hovercar is on the edge of a cliff read to fall. Then a German biker seeking revenge walks up to them. The German Biker had on a spike helmet, sleeveless leather coat, and jeans with chaps, and cowboy boots.

Hermes (panicked): Our rented car!

German Biker: Zo! You wanted to know where some weed is? There's a farm 50 miles from here.

Bender: First get our car off the cliff Sargent Shultz!

German Biker: Zokay!

Then the German Biker dives backwards and the car is safe.

German Biker: Zee? I know nothing! I see nothing! Auf Wiedersehen, dipsticks!

The German Biker steals their hovercar and with that, Bender tears down a telephone pole and smashes the bikers hovercycles.

Hermes: Bender! Are you mad? Those bikers will beat us up!

Bender: Don't sweat the small stuff, Webster! At least we know where the weed is. That Laughing Gas loses effect in 24 hours! Good thing I like to buy prankster stuff!

Hermes: Yes, but we don't have a car! We'll have to go on foot!

Bender: Then hop aboard the Bender Express!


Scene 6:

Hermes was on Bender's back riding piggyback and walked for hours trying to find the weed farm. They reached a suburban neighborhood. They go up to one of the houses and a redneck answers.

Redneck: Jamaican and Robot! I don't like your types around here!

Hermes: Would you happen to know where that weed farm is?

Redneck: Weed farm? I ain't ever heard of no weed farm! Get outta here! You're interrupting my Gun Club Meeting!

Bender: Can I join? Is Rick Perry there? Or maybe Charleton Heston so I can grab a gun out of his cold dead hands?

The Redneck slammed the door and Bender and Hermes left the house and kept going from door to door and the people there were inconsiderate rednecks who knew nothing about the weed farm.

Hermes (angerly): This is all your fault, Bender! If you hadn't drugged those bikers we'd still have our car!

Bender: Yes! That's right! Everybody has to blame the robot when something goes wrong.

Hermes: One more thing. Ever since we've been here all you did was steal beer and try to have fun! And I had to listen to your crappy music!

Bender: No, it's your fault, Tuskeegee! You're the one who had to panic when you got your weed stolen! You panic when you lose your Manwiches!

Hermes: Don't you diss my Manwiches! I think _you_ stole my weed!

Bender: Oh, come on! I don't even like weed! I like Zuban cigars!

Hermes: You're nothing but a selfish, narcissistic sack of *beep*!

Bender: Oh, yeah? And you're like Amos and Andy rolled into one!

For the next 5 minutes, Hermes and Bender continue to fight, then Hermes has an idea.

Hermes: Hey, wait a minute! I have connections!

Bender: What connections are those, Gary Coleman? Septupple A?

Hermes picks up his cell phone and asks for a rented car. Within minutes a rented hovercar came down on a spaceship.


Scene 7:

Hermes and Bender go into the rented car and drive into the night looking for the weed farm.

Bender: Wow! I must admit, you're rather efficient!

Hermes: I'm so glad you brought me along instead of that stupid Fry!

Bender: I agree! If Fry had come with me, we'd be stuck here for weeks! It gets boring hanging around with Fry and Leela all the time.

They continued to drive until they reached the Weed Farm.

Hermes: Finally! We made it!

They parked the rented hovercar at the farm. The farmer's name was Freddy Mak who looked like the farmer in the American Gothic painting.

Freddy Mak: Hello, welcome to Freddy's Mak's Weed Farm! You wouldn't happen to want a mortgage, too?

Just then his wife Fanni Mai comes up to them, who looked like a fat redneck woman with no teeth.

Fanni Mai: Yooo Hooo!

Bender: Yuck! She's worst than the Crushinator! Anyway, just give us some weed to go.

Freddy Mak: Nope, sorry, I'm afraid I can't.

Hermes (panicked): WHAT?!?!!??!?!

Freddy Mak: I sold my last batch of weed to that android over there!

Arachnofeld: That's right! Now I can activiate my Doomsday device! Catch me if you can!

Song: Stone Temple Pilots: Big Bang Baby plays

After that, Arachnofeld flew away in his hoverlimo. Bender and Hermes jumped into their hovercar and chased after him.

Hermes: That was the same excuse that clerk had. Everytime we're near getting the weed, something always stops us from getting there.

Bender: Well, as Mick Jagger would say, "You Can't Always Get What You Want", Leadbelly!

Arachnofeld (sees Bender behind him): He's gaining on me.

Bender caught up to Arachnofeld and bumped into each other in their hovercars.

Hermes: Sweet Shananigans of Michigan! Do something!

Bender (takes out a detonator): Take the wheel. Looks like I'll commit drug theft after all!

Hermes took the wheel while Bender did a backflip into Arachnofeld's hoverlimo.

Arachnofeld: Who are you?

Bender: I'm Rick James, bitch!

Then Bender hooked some wires into the hoverlimo's gas tanl and took the weed from the backseat.

Bender: I believe _this_ belongs to my friend!

After Bender took the weed, he did a back handspring into their hovercar.

Hermes: Wow! Bender! You did it!

Bender: It's not over until Aunt Jemima sings!

Arachnofeld: I'll get you for this!

When Arachnofeld tried again to crash into Bender's hovercar, Bender pulls down the detonator and the hoverlimo explodes! Arachnofeld flies into the air and falls down a cliff. All that was left of him were cans of Arachno Spores.

Arachnofeld: Goodbye, Mr.......James!

An explosion is heard in the distance as they drove away.

Hermes: Wow! Bender! How did you do that?

Bender: Let's just say, I called "Dial-A-Bomb"!

Hermes: I'll say you did! (laughs)

Bender: Oh, and don't tell Fry we had an adventure together! He'd get jealous.

Hermes: Though, I must admit, it was fun going on an adventure with you. So what if we have nothing in common!

Bender: It's always fun to be with me! Honestly, I don't know why Fry and Leela complain. We make a better team.

Hermes admires his bag of weed while Bender drives the hovercar back to the Planet Express ship.


Scene 8:

Bender flies the Planet Express ship back to earth.

Hermes: That was a wild ride! Better than Mexico!

Bender: I agree! There should be a movie about us!

Hermes: Yes, we can call it "Bender and Hermes go to White Castle"!

Bender: Wasn't there already a weed-themed movie about White Castle?

Hermes: Oh, yes. That's right. I know! How about "Hermes and Bender's Dangerous Day!"

Bender: Love it! (British accent): Because Danger is my middle name!

Hermes and Bender talk about their adventure as they ride back to Earth.


Scene 9 Conclusion:

The minute Hermes and Bender got off the Planet Express ship, Hermes was arrested on the spot.

Off. Smitty: Hermes Conrad! You're under arrest for drug possesssion!

URL: A beaurcrat like you getting messed up like this? Shame?

Hermes: Bender! Help!

Bender: Aww, man! All that hardwork for nothing! I know why they arrested him! because he's black! (files in the air) Hi Ho Bender! Away!

That night Hermes was in a jail cell getting bullied by a fat bald guy.

Fat Guy (singing): Down In The Valley! Down In The Valley! Sing!

Hermes (hesitantly): Valley so Low?

Fat Guy (singing): Hang my head over.......

Hermes (singing hesitantly): Don't know the rest!

The Fat Guy was going to best up on Hermes until URL unlocks the cell.

URL: Hermes Conrad, you made bail!

Hermes: I did? Wonder who did it?

Bender: Me, Bender!

Hermes: You bailed me out? How?

Bender: Those Arachno-Spores that the android was made of, I sold those. And Zoidberg ate your secret stash. Amy tried to stop him.

Hermes: Figures.

Bender: I made good money off of them.

Hermes: Did you sell our weed?

Bender: Nope, had it in my compartment all along.

Hermes: Wow! I guess you're not the narcissist I thought you were. There is good in you.

Bender: That sucks! I love being bad. It seems the only time I'm good is when I rescue Fry.

Hermes: From now on, you're my secret BFF!

And with that, Bender and Hermes walked out of the police station and walked into the night back to Planet Express.

Bender: I like that. If Fry never came to the future, you'd be my best friend!

Herrmes: Glad to get out of jail. Cool how you stole weed for me! Let's do it again sometime!

Bender: Louie! I mean, Hermes! I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship!

THE END

Closing Credits.

Buddies