Futurama

Fan Fiction

There's Something About Amy
By Kryten

(Writers' note: This script takes place around (100)2 years from now. Amy has graduated from Mars U. and is now PE's full-time engineer)

Announcer: Futurama is brought to you by: Oxygen! Don't breathe anything else.

(Opening theme. Caption: Now with 100% RDA of Riboflavin)

(PE hangar. Hermes, Zoidberg, Cubert, and the Prof. are waiting. The ship has just landed, and the crew comes out looking seriously disheveled (ripped clothes, hair messed up, Bender has some dents in him and his antenna is bent)

Prof (brightly): So, how was your trip to Gorillaworld?

Leela: Well, we dropped the bananas off on schedule, and everything went completely as expected.

Hermes: You mean that Fry insulted the planet's leader and you had to flee with your very lives.

Leela: Exactly.

Fry: Hey, it was an accident.

Leela: You said, and I quote: "Get your stinkin' paws offa me, you damn dirty ape!"

Fry: So how am I supposed to know they never saw "Planet of the Apes"?

Leela: So, the gorillas start beating their chests...

Bender (interrupting) I tell it better. So the gorillas start beating their chests, right? An' then they all charge us, an' Leela jumps up an' says "Kai-ai-ai-aiaaaaa!" an' kicks the first one in the face, and then she does this sort of foot-sweepy thing and knocks three more of 'em down. Then we make a break for the ship, an' we're about to get off the ground, when the ceiling starts rattlin'!

Zoidberg (nervous) This is so exciting that I may spontaneouly eject my brain! Please continue!

Bender: So we look about the window, and there are about forty gorillas jumping up and down on the roof! So Leela gets up on on the roof, and she's fighting the gorillas all by herself.

Amy: Wait, wait... this is my part of the story. See, all the gorilla jumping knocked the convenience drive offline, so, using only a nail file, a used wad of gum, and a laser welding torch, I managed to...

Bender: Shut up. So, thanks to Leela, and only Leela, we managed to get off the planet with only a few serious internal injuries.

Amy: But if I hadn't repaired the engines, we'd have been...

Fry: Yep, can't beat our Leela.

(Amy stalks off)

Prof.: Well, the important thing is that we got our commission. And having you still alive is a plus, too.

Fry: Well, now that the mission's over, let's get back to slowly killing our brain cells.

(turns on the TV)

Leela: Put on the news, Fry, I need to see how the Yankees made out today.

(Linda and Morbo are in a new studio not completely unlike the one on "Today")

Linda: ...and that's how the Yankees did today. That's all for tonight from our lovely new studio, deep in the heart of New New York.

Morbo: MORBO DESPISES THIS NEW STUDIO NEARLY AS MUCH AS HE DESPISES HUMANITY!!

Linda: (chuckles) Coming up tomorrow, Morbo will be interviewing famed chef Elzar.

Morbo: ANOTHER PUFF PIECE? MORBO SHALL BE HAVING WORDS WITH HIS AGENT!!

(Meanwhile, Amy is trying to talk to Zoidberg at a side table)

Amy: ...and then I had to pry open the reactor hatch with the nail file because Bender hocked my crowbar to buy booze.

Zoidberg (getting up): Look, it's not that I'm not interested, it's... Wait, that's it. I'm not interested.

(Zoidberg leaves)

Amy: Yeah, well... (sigh) I really should get some anti-radiation pills. (loudly) Because I was exposed to a lot of radiation! While trying to repair the ship! So we could get off the planet!

(She notices nobody is paying attention. She sighs and dejectedly heads to the Prof's lab.)

Leela: Is it me, or is she upset about something?

Bender: Don't know why. I mean, it ain't like I didn't offer her some of the booze I bought with the crowbar money.

Fry: You didn't.

Bender: I meant to.

Leela: No, you didn't.

Bender: Well, I lied and said I did.

Fry: That's true.

(Interior: Prof's lab. Prof. Farnsworth is here working on something, Amy is rummaging around in the cabinets for the anti-radiation pills)

Amy: ...and it's not that I'm unhappy with my job. I'd just like the rest of the crew to acknowledge my contributions once in a while.

Prof: Eh, what? I'm sorry, I wasn't listening to a single word you said. To make it up to you, I'm going to show you my latest project.

Amy: That's all right, I just want the anti-radiation pills...

Prof (ignoring her): It's a special formula that will allow the Democratic Order of Planets to colonize high-gravity planets. It works by increasing human strength to untold levels...

Amy: That's really interesting. Can I PLEASE have the anti-radiation pills?

Prof: Certainly. Here you are. (He gives her three pills, we notice one of them is the wrong color.)

(Cut to PE lounge. Fry, Leela, & Bender are standing around talking.)

Leela: So when she gets out of the bathroom, we're going to apologize for ignoring her.

Bender: And we're gonna all pitch in and buy her a new crowbar. I'll put in this shiny dime here, and you two can pitch in the other $29.90.

Leela: Exactly, except that you're paying the whole thing.

Bender: But I need that money for gambling an' hookers!

(They are interrupted by a loud noise from the bathroom.)

Fry: I told her to lay off the tacos.

Leela: That sounded like something ripping out of the wall!

(They rush to the bathroom. Leela kicks the door open. Bender, Leela, and Fry, framed in the doorway, gasp. Hermes comes up behind them)

Hermes: Amy, what in the name of Lenny Kravitz have you done?

(Now we cut to Amy, who is holding the sink. Which she has ripped out of the wall.)

Amy: I... I don't understand. I went in for some water to wash down the anti-rad pills I just took, and... this happens.

Hermes: However it happened, it's comin' out of your salary.

Amy: Wait... The Professor said he was working on some sort of super-strength pill. Maybe I somehow swallowed one of those?

Prof: Certainly not. I hid those pills where no one would find them.

Leela: In the bottle of anti-rad pills?

Prof: Yes, that's it. So you see, there is no way Amy could have taken any, unless she took some anti-rad pills, which she did. (pause) Oh dear.


(The Number 9 Man, seated at a desk)

#9: Look, I'm not comfortable on camera. I'm strictly a background guy.

Director (off-screen): Just do the introduction, okay? Matt's tired of having to pay you just to stand around.

#9: All right. In our last episode, the crew, back from a dangerous mission to a planet populated entirely by gorillas, sat around and watched the news.

Director: And?

#9: Oh, and Amy accidentally swallowed the Professor's experimental pill for colonists of high-gravity planets, and is now ridiculously strong. There, you happy?

Director: Don't quit your day job.

#9: I didn't WANT to.

(Opening titles. Caption: Yes, these episodes are unusually short, aren't they?)

(Zoidberg's examination room. A seriously buffed-out Amy is laid out on the examination table; the rest of the staff is gathered around.)

Zoidberg (gravely): I'm afraid that the tests are positive; you're suffering from a terrible case of shell rot. I vould prescribe a topical cream, but for some reason the medical board von't let me do that anymore.

Prof: Zoidberg, please don't say anything ever again.

Zoidberg: Fine, I know vhen I'm not vanted. If anybody needs me I'll be in the East River scavenging for krill.. (exits)

Amy: So what's the story, Professor?

Prof: Well, Amy, the pill has seriously altered your body chemistry. You can now lift appromiximately forty metric tons, if you put your back into it.

Leela: And there are no side effects?

Prof: None that I can recall. Except that she now weighs 750 pounds.

Amy: WHAT????

Prof: Oh, my, yes. You see, to achieve this level of strength, I had to increase the subject's bone and muscle density.

Cubert: Wait wait, wait. Where is all this mass coming from? You don't expect me to believe that's from some sort of (makes finger quotes) extradimensional source?

Prof: I most certainly do, young man. Go to your room.

(Cubert exits grumbling)

Amy: Well, it'll be a lifestyle change, but I think I can get used to it.

Hermes: Well, if we are all done with this unscheduled downtime, we have an important delivery: 40 metric tons of styrofoam peanuts to the Planet of Useeless Packaging Material.

Fry: Hey, you could lift that, Amy.

Amy (sotto voce): Shut up...

Fry: And Hermes wouldn't have to requisition a crane or an antigrav sled...

Hermes: Fry's shockingly right. Amy, go load the ship.

Bender: Awright, it's about time someone else had t'do the manual labor.

Leela: As opposed to who?

Bender: I'unno. Usually gets done somehow.

(Hangar. Amy is maneuvering an immense crate into the cargo bay)

Leela: Okay, it's in. You can put it down now.

(She does. The ship sags a little under its weight)

Amy: Sure you don't want me to give the engines a once-over?

Leela: No, they seem to be running fine. You don't have anything to do until we get there.

Bender: Yep, if I was you, Amy, I'd forget about this whole engineering thing. Ya gotta great future aheada you as a pack animal.

(Amy starts sobbing and runs off the bridge.)

Leela: Bender, that was a horrible thing to say.

Bender: What? Y'said we should compliment her more. "Pack animal" isn't a compliment?

Fry: I got called a "packamina" once. I don't think it was an English word, but I'm pretty sure it was bad, 'cause I ran over the guy's dog.

Leela: I'll ignore that.

Bender: Awright, I'll apologize.

(He heads to the aft of the ship)

Leela: I don't know why I'm defending her. She's always insulting me.

Fry: It's not on purpose. She really looks up to you. She thinks of you as the older sister she never had, but, because she never had a sister, she doesn't know how to deal with it, and she overcompensates by being snotty.

(Leela looks incredulous)

Fry (nervous): But that's just a guess. It's not the sort of thing that came up when we went for ice cream last week.

(A crashing sound is heard coming from the aft. Bender waddles back onto the bridge, crushed like the old beer cans he's made out of.)

Leela: Bender, what...

Bender: Leela, you'da been proud o' me. I was sensitive, I was sincere, I was caring, and then she caught me goin' for her wallet. Lucky fer me, I was designed wit' a crumple zone.

(During Bender's speech, Leela is trying to contain herself. She finally bursts out laughing)

Leela (attempting to compose herself): I'm sorry, Bender, but you look so.... ridiculous! (bursts out laughing again)

Bender: Go ahead, laugh at my misfortune.

Leela: No, I'm done.

Fry (laughing): I'm not.

Bender: Bite my crumpled metal ass.

(Mess hall. Amy's sitting here, very depressed. Leela walks in.)

Leela: Are you all right?

Amy (not moving): I'm always being mean to you. I don't mean to, you just make me nervous.

Leela: You shouldn't be. You're a valueable member of this crew. And... you remind ME of the little sister I never had.

Amy (smiling): Fry told you about what I said at Baskin & Robots' last week, didn't he?

Leela: And he's passing it off as his own insight.

Amy: Okay.

(She straightens up, and her sweatsuit tears, reavealing her overmuscled arms.

Amy: Oh god, I'm a freak. Now I know how you must feel. (pause) I did it again, didn't I.

Leela: C'mon, sis. We'll deliver the styrofoam, you'll replace Bender's torso., and then we can drop you off at home on the way back to Planet Express.

(Later, back at PE)

Prof (cheerful): Ah, you're back. Where's Amy?

Leela: We dropped her off a half hour ago.

Prof: Well, I have good news. The strength pill should wear off by tomorrow morning!

Leela: Oh, she'll be so relieved. She's really having a difficult time adjusting to her strength.

Prof: And when it does, she'll explode! (pause) Wait, why am I so cheerful?

(Cut to Fry and Leela, looking shocked. Slide over to Bender, looking unfazed)

Bender: So what's the problem, we just get a welding torch and she's as good as new, right?


Leela (voice-over): Previously, on Futurama, the Proffessor's latest invention caused some unique problems for Amy.

Zoidberg (gravely): I'm afraid that the tests are positive; you're suffering from a terrible case of shell rot.

Leela (voice-over): Of course, that wasn't the real problem.

Prof: Well, Amy, the pill has seriously altered your body chemistry. You can now lift appromiximately forty metric tons, if you put your back into it.

Leela (voice-over): She wasn't adjusting well.

Amy: Oh god, I'm a freak.

Leela (voice-over): But it wasn't until later that we learned what the real problem was.

Prof: Well, I have good news. The strength pill should wear off by tomorrow morning! And when it does, she'll explode! (pause) Wait, why am I so cheerful?

Leela (voice-over): And now, the conclusion of "There's Something About Amy".

(Opening credits. Caption: "From the network that screwed us over for 'Malcolm in the Middle'")

(Interior, Planet Express)

Hermes: When is that lazy engineer gettin' here?

(Thundering footsteps are heard. The building shakes)

Leela: Oh, here she comes now.

(We see the view out the window. An enormous Godzilla-like creature with Amy's haircut is lumbering down the street. People are fleeing in abject terror.)

Announcer: This nightmare was brought to you by Soylent Cola. Made from the best folks on Earth.

(Amy awakens in her bed screaming)

Amy: Phew! Only a dream. Maybe I'm back to...

(She notices she's still ridiculously muscular)

Amy (sighing): Normal.

(Interior: PEX HQ)

Leela: What's this about exploding?

Prof: You see, the human body can't hold all that extra mass permanently. She's going to hit critical at 8:00 AM, and then she'll explode, most likely taking several city blocks with her.

Leela: Is there an antitidote?

Prof: Yes, but it'll take a few hours to make it.

Fry (at the phone): Bad news. I can't reach her. She's not answering her communicator.

Prof: Oh dear, this is bad. The paranoia must be kicking in.

Leela: Paranoia?

Prof: Why, yes! Surely you've noticed that she's been having uncontrolled mood swings.

Fry: I just thought it was her time of the month.

Prof (ignoring him): As she gets closer to critical, she'll become more and more mentally unstable. You have to stop her before she drives our insurance premiums up.

Leela: Okay, here's what we'll do. Fry, go see if she's back at her apartment. I'll take the aircycle and check her favorite hangouts. Bender, sit here on the couch and don't do anything.

Bender: Can do!

Leela: We'll rendezvous back here in three hours. By then, the Professor should have the antidote ready.

(Overhead view of Times Square Cubed, very crowded. Zoom in on Amy, wearing a heavy overcoat and looking disoriented and a litle freaked. She looks up at the enormous Tyrannotron 10000 holoscreen, where Morbo is interviewing Elzar, as promised in part 1)

Elzar: Now, if ya really want to kick yer Altairian rhino cutlet up a notch, you'll want to toss in a handful of capers before you use yer spice weasel.

Morbo: CAPERS GIVE MORBO HIVES.

Amy (delerious): Hive... gotta stop the Hive...

(She sets of towards the SQR(2) studio)

(Back at Planet Express)

Leela: Well, she wasn't at the Hip Joint, or Elzar's, or the Ultramarine Note, or the One Night Stand, or the Bisque Dictator, or Circuit Hovel, or the Googolplex, or the gym, or any of her other favorite spots.

Fry: And when I went to her apartment, her door was wide open, somebody had wrecked the furniture, and I found this.

(He holds Amy's wrist thingy, which looks it's been crushed.)

Bender (from the couch): Well, if you meatbags are finished wasting your time, I think I found her.

Leela (annoyed): You were sitting on your shiny metal ass the whole time. How did you find her?

Bender: A little thing called "TV".

(He indicates the screen, where Amy is holding Morbo and Elzar hostage)

Morbo: MORBO DEMANDS YOU RELEASE HIM IMMEDIATELY, PUNY EARTH FEMALE!!

Elzar: Uh, she ain't exactly puny. She did rip open that wall over there.

Amy: Now that I have the two of you, the Hive's designs on this planet are finished.

Morbo: HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT... I MEAN, SILENCE YOUR FOOLISHNESS!!

Elzar: I have nothin' t'do with this guy.

Leela: We have to get over there. Professor, is the antidote ready?

Prof: Not quite.

Leela: I'll just have to stall her until it is.

Fry: No! She''ll break you in half and then she'll break the halves in half, and I don't want to tell you what she'll do with those halves!

Leela: I appreciate the concern, but if I can hold off forty gorillas, I shouldn't have a problem with Amy. Besides, she has no real fighting ability.

Bender: Well, I have faith in ya. Can I have your wrist-thingy?

(Leela shoots him an irritated look. Cut to the interior of the SQR(2) studios.)

Amy (holding Morbo in a headlock; she's no longer wearing the overcoat): Now, you'd better spill the invasion plans, or your head comes off, Hive scum!

Morbo: MORBO IS VERY ASHAMED OF WHAT HE HAS JUST DONE TO HIS PANTS.

(Leela, Fry, and Bender arrive on the aircycle, coming through the hole Amy ripped in the wall.)

Leela: Amy, stop! You're going to explode in less the an hour!

Bender: Hey, it's Elzar. Hey! It's me! Yer biggest fan!

Elzar: Aw no, it's that damn robot again. Hey, crazy lady, could ya do me a favor? Kill me first?

Amy (confused): Leela? You're working for the Hive?

Leela: Amy, the strength pill is messing up your brain chemistry. (whispering into her communicator) Professor, where's that antitode?

Prof: Almost finished. I'll have Hermes and Zoidberg get it to you.

Amy: You're lying! You're all serving the Hive! I challenge you to (sinister) Clawplach! (mimes clicking claws together menacingly)

Leela (into communicator) Professor, was there any of Zoidberg's male jelly in that pill?

Prof: Just a smidge.

Amy: RAARRGH!!! (jumps on top of Leela)

Fry: We gotta do something!

Bender: Right! I'll get the holocorder, you get the huge vat o'mud, an' we'll book time on.... ah, crap! Elzar's gettin' away! (Chasing after him) Hey! Elzar! I brought a engravin' tool! You c'n autograph my butt!

(Meanwhile, Leela has flipped Amy, sending her through another wall.)

Leela: I hate to do this, but...

(She aims her spin-kick at Amy's head, but it has no effect except to make Amy angrier. Leela has a lot more success with a low roundhouse to the back of Amy's knees, which knocks her off her feet. Amy lands hard on her back, but is up on her feet again in no time.

Leela: This isn't getting us anywhere. Where's that damn antidote?

(On cue, a second aircycle land next to Fry. Hermes gets off and hands Fry what looks like a tranquilizer rifle.)

Hermes: We got here as fast as we could, but that's the last time I let Zoidberg drive.

Zoidberg: You try to make better time in this traffic.

Hermes: Try to get a clear shot, Fry. I'd do it, but I'm a worse shot than Stevie Wonder's head on an arthritic rhino's body.

(Meanwhile, the fight continues. Leela temporarily has the upper hand.

Leela: Are you ready to give up?

Amy (having a brief flash of lucidity) ...Leela? Why do I want to hurt her... NO! You're part of the invasion force! You have to die!

(She lifts Leela up, and throws her into the wall. Leela, dazed, struggles to get up. Amy is holding a huge chunk of wall and is about to flatten Leela. Suddenly she stiiffens, and deflates back to her normal proportions.)

Amy (sane again): Uh, Leela? Why am I trying to kill you?

Hermes: Sweet baboon o' Rangoon, Fry. Ya pulled it off, mon!

Leela: With one problem.

Amy: What prob... AAAGGHH!! (She collapses under the slab of wall)

(Est. shot. Beth Zoltar Hospital. Cut to interior of a room in the hospital. Amy is in one of the beds with two broken legs, a broken left arm, and a bandaged head. The entire Planet Express Crew is here, as is Morbo)

Amy: ...So the doctors said I should be out in a week. Lucky for me that none of my major organs were injured. And that they were able to put them back in my body. Anyway, I'm sorry I went nuts and tried to kill all of you.

Leela: Considering you're the only one who got seriously hurt, I think we can forgive you.

Amy: So... can we be friends now?

Leela: Only if we're the best.

Morbo: THOUGH MORBO HAS AGREED TO DROP CHARGES, HE IS STILL SICKENED BY YOUR RIDICULOUS HUMAN EMOTIONS!

(Everyone laughs. Amy's laughter turns into an "ow" after a few seconds)

(closing credits)

Buddies