Starting credits. Caption: Watching this could seriously damage your hea…Ow!
1. INT. PLANET EXPRESS MAIN ROOM. DAY
Bender, Fry and Leela are sat around the desk doing nothing special. The door opens behind them and in walks the Professor.
FARNSWORTH: Good news, everyone.
Fry sticks his fingers in his ears, and leans towards Leela.
FRY: (Whispering) Tell me when he's done talking.
FARNSWORTH: (Ignoring Fry) You've got a delivery to make.
LEELA: That doesn't sound so bad.
FARNSWORTH: Oh, did I mention that, technically, to go on this mission, you'd be putting the very fate of the universe at risk?
LEELA: How would we be putting the universe at risk?
FARNSWORTH: (Angry) Shut up! Nothing is at risk! (Calm) Except maybe the universe. Well, so long.
The Professor leaves the room. Fry still has his fingers in his ears.
FRY: (To himself) La la la la la, I can't hear you, Professor.
LEELA: (Shouting at Fry) Fry! He's gone; you can take your fingers out of your ears now.
FRY: La la la la la, I can't hear you telling me the Professor's gone either, Leela.
Bender randomly punches Fry in the back of the head. Fry falls unconscious on the table.
LEELA: (Shouting) Bender! What did you do that for?
BENDER: Sorry, they do stuff like that sometimes. (To his arms) Hey! Quit hitting my friends, guys.
Zoom out to reveal Bender minus his arms. They move back over to him. One holding a cigar, the other holding a beer. The hand with the beer pours it into his mouth. The hand with the cigar pops it in his mouth and lights it. Bender sighs in relief.
BENDER: (To his arms) Awww, I can't stay mad at you guys. Hit Fry all you like. (Louder) And while you're at it, hit Leela too.
Bender's arms start to beat up Leela and the already unconscious Fry.
2. INT. TV ROOM. DAY
Leela and Fry are sat on the sofa watching television. They are sore from the beating they received and are sat rubbing themselves. Zoidberg is sat at the table by himself eating something.
ZOIDBERG: You know, I could look at those injuries if you like.
FRY: No offence Zoidberg, but the last time you did that you made things worse. I came to you looking for aspirin; I left with a sore ass because you gave me a liquid nitrogen enema.
LEELA: (To Fry) Yeah, those hurt like hell. (To Zoidberg) Like Fry said, and I quote "No way you damn stinking, fat lobster!"
Zoidberg cries and runs off. Hermes and the Professor walk in.
FARNSWORTH: Good news, everyone.
LEELA: What is it this time, you senile fool?
FARNSWORTH: You've got a delivery to make.
FRY: Of what?
FARNSWORTH: Oh, did I mention that, technically, to go on this mission, you'd be putting the very fate of the universe at risk?
LEELA: Yes, you did, twenty minutes ago in the main room.
FARNSWORTH: (Angry) Shut up! Nothing is at risk! (Calm) Except maybe the universe. Well, so long.
The Professor leaves again.
FRY: Hermes, what's wrong with the Professor?
HERMES: Jah knows, mon. He's been saying the same few lines of scripted dialogue all day. In fact, all week. Maybe we should ask…
Hermes shudders at what he is about to say.
HERMES: (Slightly scared) …Dr. John Zoidberg!
The sound of lightning is heard.
FRY: (Shouting at television) Damn boring Thunder Channel.
Fry switches it off.
3. INT. ZOIDBERG'S OFFICE. DAY
Hermes, Fry and Leela drag the Professor mumbling away to himself. He begins to struggle free, so Hermes hits him on the head with his clipboard. The Professor blacks out. The other three lift him onto Zoidberg's examination table.
FRY: Dr. Zoidberg…
Zoidberg swivels round in his chair.
FRY: Something's wrong with the Professor's… Umm, you know… thing… In his… other thing…
ZOIDBERG: Ahhh, that.
Zoidberg opens a draw in his desk and gets out an army style combat knife that's more the size of a sword.
ZOIDBERG: You do mean his heart, right?
HERMES: (Shouting) Sweet emu of Peru, no! His brain.
ZOIDBERG: Oh, ok.
Zoidberg continues to advance. Leela confiscates Zoidberg's knife.
ZOIDBERG: (Sad) Awww.
LEELA: The Professor keeps repeating certain phrases over and over, do you, (Under breath) by some miracle, (Normally) know what's wrong? (Whispering to Fry, sarcastic) If he does, I'll let you see my bra, Fry.
Leela chuckles to herself.
FRY: (Whispering to Leela) I'll hold you too that.
ZOIDBERG: What do I look like to you guys, an idiot?
Zoidberg gets out another piece of equipment from his desk. It is a hand held gun like torch and micro-analyser. He shines it in the Professors ear. The analyser beeps. Zoidberg looks at the mini LCD on it.
ZOIDBERG: A-ha! He's got Repetitive Moron Speech Syndrome. A disease with that cannot be cured, short of replacing a whole new brain in the patient, of course. Which I could do now, if you like.
FRY: (Cheering) Whoo hoo! Zoidberg knew something medical! (Turing to Leela) Show me your bra, Leela!
Hermes and Zoidberg look shocked. Leela looks embarrassed.
LEELA: No… (Embarrassed, lying) I'm not wearing one, Fry.
FRY: (Suave) Maybe you could show me where you normally wear them?
LEELA: (Angry) Or maybe I could kick your ass?
FRY: (Suave) Maybe… (Panicking) No, wait, the bra thing sounds less painful.
The Professor wakes up.
FARNSWORTH: Good news, everyone.
HERMES, FRY, LEELA: Oh god no.
FARNSWORTH: You've got a delivery to make.
LEELA: (To Zoidberg) Swap his brain quickly!
4. TV ROOM. DAY
Bender is sat watching television and drinking beer. Fry and Leela enter.
FRY: Hey, Bender, what you watching?
BENDER: Some game show.
LEELA: You? Watching a game show?
FRY: Yeah, Bender, what gives?
BENDER: (Embarrassed) You don't understand. It's a good game show. People die on it.
Fry sits down on the sofa.
FRY, LEELA: Cool.
The Professor and Zoidberg enter. The Professor is dressed like Ozzy Osbourne.
ZOIDBERG: Hello, friends.
BENDER: We're not your friends.
FARNSWORTH: (As Ozzy) What the beep is all of this beep?
Zoidberg looks around innocently. The others look sternly at him. Zoidberg looks at the floor in guilt.
ZOIDBERG: The operation didn't go as planned. The Professors brain, I threw away as it had RMSS. This brain also has RMSS.
BENDER: He's not got RMSS. He thinks he's the Ozzy Osbourne, the second coolest guy who ever lived. After me, Bender.
FRY: Damn. Not even living with an infamous drugged-up dead celebrity with ease the pain of losing my nephew.
Fry looks genuinely sad. Leela puts her arm around him to comfort him.
LEELA: (To Fry) There, there. (To Zoidberg) Isn't their anyway we can help him return to normal?
ZOIDBERG: (Thinking) Well, I suppose, we could re-install his personality if we had it stored somewhere… Or if we took it from another source…
BENDER: Where could we get an exact copy of the Professor's personality before his became insane… (Thinking) …er? (Shouting) Nowhere, that's where. (Calmly again) Well, I'm off to pawn his stuff.
Gets up and goes to leave.
BENDER: (Without turning back) The good part is, it's not technically grave robbing because he's still alive.
Bender whistles as he leaves.
LEELA: I think I know where we can get an exact copy of the Professor's personality.
Leela stands up dramatically.
LEELA: Let's go grab us a Cubert.
FRY: Ummm, Leela. You still owe me a bra-viewing.
LEELA: Shut up, Fry.
Leela, Zoidberg and 'Ozzy' leave.
FARNSWORTH: (As Ozzy) This is beeping stupid. I wish you stupid beeps would beep off.
Fry continues to watch the television. The show that Bender was watching is called Cheese It! It features criminal contestants who are put in a huge wasteland and are hunted down by deranged killbots, all whilst being filmed. A presenter appears on screen. It's Morbo.
5. INT. CHEESE IT! STUDIOS. DAY
MORBO: We are currently looking for puny Earth felons to enter our contest. Morbo requests that you don't bother sending in any forms. Morbo is looking for a specific felon.
TV ANNOUNCER: (OS) Bender B. Rodriguez of Planet Express in New New York. You will be forced to run or die in the name of entertainment, and you'll probably do both. Bender B. Rodriguez, we're coming for you. You better have a good undertaker, buddy.
MORBO: If Bender wins and manages to stay alive, he will win half a million dollars. If he loses, he only gets the booby prize. (Shouting) Death, mwahahaha!
6. INT. TV ROOM. DAY
FRY: Well, he's boned.
Fry then screams and runs out.
7. INT. THE PROFESSORS APARTMENT. DAY
Bender, Leela, Zoidberg, Hermes and Amy are standing around not doing much. The Professor is stood with a frown on his face away from the others. Cubert is tied to the wall. A mechanical ray is pointed at his head.
LEELA: Here goes.
Leela switches on the Professors laptop computer. It loads up instantly. On the screen, Leela selects Microsoft Brainscan. An image of Cubert tied to the wall appears on the screen. The mouse pointer clicks on the image of Cubert to select it. Leela then selects 'Copy'. The large ray aiming at Cubert zaps him. Bender chuckles. A message on screen informs us that the machine is copying. Fry runs in, panting.
FRY: Bender, Bender! Morbo wants you dead.
BENDER: Who in the hell is Morbo?
FRY: You know, that green news reading alien. Morbo.
BENDER: Oh, that Morbo. (Realising) Hey… Why's he want me dead? Has he joined the Mafia or something?
FRY: You've been signed up to that programme you were watching, Cheese It!
Bender runs out of the room.
FRY: Bender, wait!
FRY: They're coming for you. They're making you go on Cheese It!
The machine beeps. The caption 'Copy complete' appears on screen. Hermes and Amy take down Cubert and throw him to one side.
Hermes and Amy help the Professor to the wall and bolt him to it, like Cubert was previously. An image of the Professor appears on screen. Leela presses the button that says 'Paste' on it. But it doesn't work and the laptop crashes. The ray explodes.
FARNSWORTH: (As Ozzy) Has that beeping computer beeping beeped up again? Beeping Windows XXXP. All it's good for is pornography.
LEELA: (Turning back to the others) Damn, unless we can get another Personality Ray, the Professor will remain as this humorous heavy metal legend forever.
AMY: (Puzzled) And we want to turn him back why exactly?
LEELA: (Defensive) Hey, sometimes you wanna rock it, sometimes you don't. Besides all those extra narcotics lying around could get… Umm, Fry, into trouble… Yeah, that's it. Fry, not me, Fry. Who said anything about me and drug taking for enjoyment?
Leela laughs nervously. Suddenly the police appear outside, although we don't see them.
SMITTY: (OS, over megaphone) Mr. Rodriguez, we've come to take you away to appear on that television show… Awww, what's it called, I forgot…
BENDER: (Shouting) Cheese it!
Bender runs out the doorway.
SMITTY: (OS, over megaphone) …Yeah, that's it.
Off shot, a gun is heard cocking.
BENDER: (OS) Awww, crap.
8. EXT. SPACE. DAY
Shot of the Planet Express Ship flying to another planet. It is being escorted by two police squad ships.
9. INT. BENDERS DRESSING ROOM. DAY
Bender is sat in a dressing gown in a chair in front of a big make-up mirror. He has a bottle of champagne and is smoking a cigar. Fry and Leela walk in. Bender swivels round in his chair.
BENDER: Oh my God! This place sucks, I'm gonna be a major attraction and all they give me is Moet? I'm so mad I could kill someone.
LEELA: Bender, in less than half an hour you'll be the one being killed.
BENDER: (Angry) What? This is an outrage. I should take a hostage.
Bender downs the champagne in one and then smashes the empty bottle over Fry's head. As Fry stumbles around Bender gets him in a chokehold and holds the broken edge of the bottle to his neck.
LEELA: (Shouting) Bender! Don't kill Fry! Kill the killbots when you're on the show.
BENDER: Don't kill him? Ok, I'll just maim him horribly.
Bender stabs the bottle into Fry's leg. Fry faints. Bender chuckles. Leela screams. Bender pulls the bottle out of Fry's leg and does the same to Leela. Leela collapses on the floor but remains conscious.
10. INT. CHEESE IT! STUDIOS. DAY
On a big screen, Morbo and the studio audience are watching the unfolding events.
BENDER: (On screen, angry) Now, Leela, tell me why I shouldn't kill you both right now?
Leela looks scared as tears form in her eye. She look over at Fry. She now bursts out crying fully. The images on screen stop. Above the studio audience a sign lights up that says 'Bender's a bastard'. The crowd all start booing.
MORBO: Morbo is pleased the humans are dying. But the metal one must also pay for his crimes in the Cheese It! arena. (Shouting) Our killbots will destroy you!
11. BENDERS DRESSING ROOM. DAY
Bender stands towering above the quivering Leela. Fry stirs and screams.
FRY: (Scared) B-B-Bender? What are you doing?
LEELA: (Crying) He's gone mad. He's trying to kill us.
Fry notices how scared Leela is and puts his arms around her. The two of them sit shaking on the floor. Benders head starts crackling.
BENDER: (Not in his normal voice) Now… You… Must… Die…
Fry too starts crying along with Leela. Fry pulls her back from him and looks into her eye. He lets go of her and stands up to face Bender.
FRY: (Crying) Bender, I don't know what's gotten into you… And I'm beyond caring, kill me, but let Leela go…
LEELA: (Crying) Fry, no!
FRY: (Crying, to Leela) Don't worry about me, Leela… I love….
Bender starts to choke Fry. A man opens the door behind them with a robot's head under his arm. He throws the head to Bender, who catches it in one hand.
MAN: (Not bothered by the scene) We're clear.
BENDER: (Back to normal) Ok.
Bender let's go of Fry's throat and removes his head and puts it on the desk. Bender's headless body walks in. Bender puts his head back on, the other robot takes off his dressing gown and puts his own head back on, he leaves with the man.
BENDER: Heh, so that's what that doofus wanted my head for?
FRY: You mean you weren't trying to kill us?
BENDER: Hell no, I like you guys. That's why I only ever beat you up, not kill you. (Noticing what the other robot did) Nice wounds you got there, meatbags.
LEELA: (Calming down) But it was still your head. How can you expect us to believe that?
BENDER: It's the body that controls us robots, not our head's. Anyway, I gotta go do a bit of pre-show training. You guys want me to get Zoidberg to look at those wounds?
FRY, LEELA: (Panicking) No way.
BENDER: Ok. See you later, losers.
Bender whistles his little tune and walks out. There is a moments silence between Fry and Leela. Fry sighs and limps towards the door.
LEELA: Umm… Fry?
FRY: (Turning round) Yeah?
LEELA: Were you really going to sacrifice your life for… (Hesitates) for me?
FRY: Umm, yeah.
A tear forms in Leela's eye. Fry notices this. He sits back down on the blood-stained floor next to her and puts his hand on her shoulder.
FRY: Please don't cry, Leela. It'll ruin your perfect face.
Leela sighs and smiles.
LEELA: You honestly love me don't you?
FRY: Of course. Why? Don't you believe me?
LEELA: I didn't… Until just now… I mean, men have said they loved me before… And it's always ended up a disaster… Men, have offer to sacrifice their lives for me before... (To herself) Although, they weren't in any actual danger… (To Fry) But they only said it to get me into bed… (To herself, disappointed) And it worked…
Fry looks hurt Leela didn't believe him.
LEELA: I'm sorry, Fry.
Fry wipes the tear from Leela eye with his thumb.
FRY: No, it's my fault. I'm the one who should be sorry…
Fry grabs a shirt lying on a spare chair and tears off a bit, and begins to use it to bandage Leela's leg.
Fry remains silent.
FRY: Because… (Hesitates) Because of these feelings I have for you… I should never have said anything about them to you. I'd rather be unhappy and alone myself forever than have you frown for even one second.
Fry sighs and finishes making Leela's bandage. Leela starts to make one for Fry.
FRY: (To himself) Stupid feelings… (To Leela) Ever since I told you about them, it's caused nothing but trouble between us.
LEELA: (Happy) No, it hasn't.
Leela finishes making Fry's bandage and smiles. Fry looks slightly confused. Leela kisses him gently. They break apart and smile at each other. Fry sighs.
FRY: Bender will be on soon, we'd better get going, or we'll miss it.
Leela looks at him suggestively. She obviously has other things on her mind.
LEELA: We can always miss the first 20 minutes, Bender won't die that quickly. It took me until now to realise it, but, I want you badly…
She kisses Fry again, only more passionately this time. She climbs on top of him. Fry breaks her off and grabs her shoulder.
LEELA: (Shocked and disappointed) What's wrong, Fry? I thought you wanted me. Don't you?
FRY: (Slightly sad) I do, but not here and not now. You deserve something special, not some quick boink on a blood-stained carpet. You're too sophisticated.
LEELA: Awww, thank you, Fry. You're too sweet. Let's go watch Bender then.
She gets up smiling. She helps Fry off the floor. Fry takes Leela's hands.
FRY: I promise, when the time is right, we can do whatever you want.
Fry smiles and kisses Leela's hand. They put their hands on each other shoulder's to support each other as they exit.
12. INT. CHEESE IT! STUDIOS. DAY
Hermes, Amy, Zoidberg and the Professor are all sat in the audience. Fry and Leela join them. Fry's face is covered in lipstick marks. He is sporting the widest grin ever.
HERMES: (Shocked) What in Babylon happened to you, mon?
AMY: (Shocked) Have you two finally…
Fry and Leela giggle like school children.
FARNSWORTH: (As Ozzy) Have those two beep ups finally beeped each other? (Happy) They have? That's beeping (As the Professor) good news everyone.
Bender is released onto the stage wearing a yellow spandex jumpsuit.
FRY: Hey, I've just realised, this is like that Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. The only good one where he didn't play a robot.
Bender grabs Morbo's microphone.
BENDER: (Shouting, to Fry) Schwarzenegger knows sweet crapola 'bout playing a robot, Fry!
Morbo slaps Bender and takes back his microphone.
MORBO: (Shouting, to Bender) I will destroy you! Get in your launch capsule.
Morbo points at said launch tube and Bender solemnly gets inside it.
LEELA: What was it called?
FRY: (Thinking) Umm…The Sprinting Guy, I think.
BENDER: Before I go, I'd just like to say, my accomplices in crime were…
The launch capsule is fired and Bender flies off down a dark hole, via a tube.
BENDER: (Screaming) …Frrry annnd Leeeela…
Morbo nods and Fry and Leela and placed into identical yellow spandex suits like Benders. Their bandage's are above the spandex for some reason. Hey, it's a cartoon. They too are launched down the same hole.
LEELA: (Screaming) Dammmn yooou, Bennnder!
FRY: (Screaming) Wheee!
Beat. Cut to Zoidberg.
ZOIDBERG: (To the Professor) That looks fun.
FARNSWORTH: (As Ozzy) Beep off.
ZOIDBERG: (Sad) Awww…
Hermes and Amy chuckle.
FARNSWORTH: (As Ozzy, angry) You too, you two, U2 fans.
HERMES: (Embarrassed, to the Professor) We don't like U2, (To Amy) do we Amy?
AMY: (Embarrassed) Nuh-uh.
Amy and Hermes fold their arms is 'disgust'. Beat. Loads of U2 albums fall out of their jackets. They look at each other, then the floor, in guilt. Time cut.
13. INT. FIRST GAME AREA, FIRST ROOM. NIGHT
This first game area is designed to look like a cityscape turned post-apocalyptic wasteland. There are several old buildings that have been turned into piles of rubble because of fighting. The 'sky' in this area is brown all day round. Bender, Fry and Leela are all out cold on the floor. They come too.
FRY: Jeez, how many times am I gonna get knocked out today?
LEELA: I think at least another seventeen.
FRY: Awww, crapowski. (Rubbing his leg) Reality TV hasn't been this painful since Simon Cowell invaded Jupiter. (Spotting something in the distance) Hey, what's that?
Three people riding motorbikes and seen parked on a distant hill. They are seen in silhouette.
BENDER: Maybe it's Jesus?
The motorbikes set off speeding toward the three contestants. They brake just before hitting them. We see that these are no normal bikers. Picture them as mechanical centaurs. They are called Knievels.
BENDER: Who in the hell are you and why do I care?
KNIEVEL 1: (Has a low, deep, satanic-sounding voice) We are the Knievels. Half killbot, half motorbike.
BENDER: (Not impressed) …And… Why do I care…?
KNIEVEL 2: (Has a friendly, female voice) We're going to kill you…
Bender screams like a little girl and runs off.
LEELA: (Panicking) When you said "you", did you mean just Bender, or all three of us?
KNIEVEL 2: I only meant the robot, but we're deranged killbots you know… Guess what were programmed to do?
FRY: (Scared) Make satisfying, yet affordable coffee?
KNIEVEL 3: (Camp mans voice) No, we're programmed to kill, you silly, but cute human.
LEELA: (Jealous) Hands off my silly, but cute human, Liberace.
FRY: (Suave) So, I'm cute huh, Leela? (Desperate) Can I see your bra now?
LEELA: Can it, Fry. Just run.
Fry and Leela run off in the opposite direction to Bender.
KNIEVEL 1: (Shouting) Get them two, I'll go after the robot.
The Knievel's handlebars retract into their frames and are replaced by chainsaws. One chases after Bender, the other two go after Fry and Leela.
14. INT. FIRST GAME AREA, THIRD ROOM. NIGHT
Bender is sat hiding behind a pile of rubble, quivering away.
BENDER: (To himself, scared) I want someone to re-boot my mommy.
A low revving is heard. It is the first Knievel.
BENDER: (To himself) If I can't see him, he can't see me.
Bender looks around the side of the rubble he is hidden behind and sees the Knievel. However, it doesn't see Bender.
BENDER: Crap, I saw him. Now he's knows where I am even though he didn't see me.
The Knievel lands in front of Bender.
KNIEVEL 1: I didn't see you. I heard you.
BENDER: (Angry, shaking fist) Damn you, sensible logic!
KNIEVEL 1: Prepare to die, automaton.
BENDER: (Angry) Bender doesn't lie down with a fight.
The Knievel swings down his chainsaw and slices Bender's head clean off. Bender makes an agitated noise. The Knievel knocks over Bender's body and a bottle of brandy falls out of his neck and smashes on the floor. Bender puts his head back on and stands up.
BENDER: (Angry) You spilt my booze! That's all I had, dammit.
The Knievel inches towards Bender. Bender calmly backs up.
KNIEVEL 1: Like you're gonna need it. I'd put it to good use.
BENDER: Whatever you say, chief.
Bender lights a cigar. Then drops it at the front wheel of the Knievel, which sets ablaze because it's parked in the brandy. The flames quickly engulf the Knievel, giving Bender chance to escape. The fire melts the Knievel.
BENDER: (Running off) That's why I'm called Bender, baby. (Thinking) Actually, no it isn't.
15. INT. CHEESE IT! STUDIOS. DAY
Morbo is stood in the audience.
MORBO: Now it is time to pick one of the pathetic audience members to choose there favourite killbot guardian to send in after the contestants. Let's us consult the Wheel of Randomness.
The floor opens up and the Wheel of Randomness appears. Morbo walks up to it and spins it. It generates a name of a member of the audience who gets to pick which killbot is sent in. After it stops spinning, it finally chooses the name 'Lrrr'. Morbo approaches Lrrr.
MORBO: Ahh, Morbo's good friend Lrrr. You win the choice of which killbot to send in… Also this 5,000,000 in-spaceship MP3 changer. How does Lrrr feel?
LRRR: Lrrr feels… I mean, I feel great, thank you, Morbo.
MORBO: Which killbot gladiator would you like to send in as the first area's guardian?
LRRR: Can I volunteer to go in myself and kill them?
MORBO: Morbo fears not, as we don't have the insurance.
LRRR: Very well, send in… Umm… (Trying to trick Morbo) …Me!
ZOIDBERG: (OS, shouting) He already said you couldn't!
Lrrr pulls out a laser and fires at Zoidberg. Zoidberg runs off making his 'whoop whoop whoop' noise.
FARNSWORTH: (OS, shouting) Beeping idiot! You're gonna get me shot in the hiney!
LRRR: Send in Hambo.
MORBO: Done, Hambo is being deployed to kill them now. If Hambo succeeds in massacring them, you will win more prizes, mighty Lrrr.
LRRR: (Whispering, to Morbo) Hey, you still on for poker Tuesday night?
16. INT. FIRST GAME AREA, SECOND ROOM. NIGHT
Fry and Leela run into what appears to be a desolate ice rink. Obviously, they slip onto their backs. They stand back up, eventually, and carefully make their way across the ice. The other two Knievels follow them in. They also slide all over the place. Fry and Leela slide up to some adverts at the side of the rink and hide behind them. The Knievels slowly drive up too them, engines revving.
KNIEVEL 3: Come out; come out, where ever you are.
FRY: (Revealing himself) Ok.
LEELA: (Annoyed) Fry!
KNIEVEL 3: Oh, it's the sexy one. So you've come out have you?
FRY: (Unaware, smiling) Looks that way.
KNIEVEL 3: It's such a shame we have to kill you, otherwise I'd axe you out.
Leela stands up with a stern look on her face.
LEELA: (Angry, to Knievel 3) I told you before, keep your spokes off my Fryiepoos.
FRY: (Groans in disgust) Fryiepoos?
Leela jumps up and kicks Knievel 3 in the head.
FRY: (Upset, to Leela) Couldn't you think of a better pet name for me than that? Like Mr. Sex, or Mr. Fantabulous Sex, or… Umm… Fry?
LEELA: But your name is Fry.
FRY: Then it's settled; from now on you'll call me Fry.
Leela groans, then starts to smash in the Knievels head with a metal bar she picks up.
KNIEVEL 2: (Angry) You killed him. Now you'll pay.
The last Knievel revs up her engine and starts to chase Leela around the ice.
FRY: (Nervously) How much do you want?
Leela slips onto the ice and slides into an ice hockey net at one end of the rink, it closes in on itself, sealing her in. The ice hockey net turns the netting into a sheet of metal, slowly suffocating Leela inside. At this point, Bender runs through some doors, as he runs onto the ice, his foot cups alter, providing him with the ability to ice skate.
BENDER: (Shouting, scared) Run away! Hambo's coming to get us.
FRY: (Shouting, upset) But Leela's trapped in that net.
Bender skates up to Fry. Hambo finally makes an appearance, in the very background of the shot. He is a mechanical pig who wears combat trousers and a bandana tied around his head. He has a chain of bullets wrapped round him and he also carries a combat knife, and many, many hand grenades.
FRY: (Panicking) Quick, Bender, do something to save Leela!
BENDER: Why the hell can't you do it?
FRY: (Panicking) I'm having a panic attack.
Fry faints. Beat. Fry gets back up.
FRY: (Continuing, still panicking) My judgement is being clouded; I have no control over my emotions. (Breaking out sobbing) I'm in love, for Gods sake!
Fry bursts into tears. Bender turns around looking angry.
BENDER: (Angry, to Hambo and the Knievel) Great! You just had to make the meatbag cry, didn't you? It's time for Bender to get medi-Knievel on your asses!
Hambo throws three grenades at Bender. Bender quickly pulls off his arm, which suitably forms into a hockey stick of sorts. Bender skates towards the three grenades and hits them back the way they came. One hits Hambo, one hits the Knievel and the final one hits the net, which opens on impact and frees Leela. Leela doesn't move. Fry slides over to Bender and Leela.
FRY: (Upset) She's dead…
Leela wakes up and yawns.
LEELA: (Still half asleep) What took you guys so long?
FRY: (Happy) You're alive! Whoo hoo!
LEELA: Yeah, (Seductive, to Fry) and I had a very sexilicious dream about you…
FRY: (Disgusted) Ewww, Leela, don't talk like that.
LEELA: Why? Doesn't it turn you on?
FRY: No, it makes you sound like Zapp Brannigan.
Leela looks horrified.
LEELA: Oh my god, did it?
Fry and Bender both nod.
LEELA: Be right back, I gotta go barf.
Leela runs off.
FRY: Hey, Bender, what happened to Hambo?
BENDER: (As Schwarzenegger) He had to blow…
17. INT. CHEESE IT! STUDIOS. NIGHT
The crowd is sat in silence, mourning the loss of Hambo.
MORBO: Morbo has never seen such a depressed crowd in all his presenting days. The death of Hambo comes as a great loss to all. Except Morbo, mwahahaha.
LRRR: (OS, shouting) And Lrrr!
MORBO: And Lrrr. Now, let's spin the Wheel of Randomness again to see who gets to pick a gladiator.
Morbo spins the wheel again. This time it lands on Amy. Morbo approaches Amy.
MORBO: Morbo congratulates you, scrawny Chinese girl. You win this Microsoft 1 ½" Exo-Floppy Disk Data Gun. Courtesy of the despicable Bill Gates' head.
AMY: Sch'man, that's lame. Haven't you got anything else?
Morbo slyly pockets the item.
HERMES: Wait, Amy, we could use that to help get the Professor back to normal!
AMY: Oh yeah. (To Morbo) Actually, I've changed my mind. I'll make do with the 1 ½" floppy thing.
FARNSWORTH: (As Ozzy, to Zoidberg) Bet it's not the first time she's said that.
MORBO: (Lying) Err… Too late, it has been destroyed. You get the mystery prize instead. Let us see what it is.
A drumroll is heard and a red curtain is shown. The curtain lifts to reveal a badly put together metal crucifix.
MORBO: You have won Jesus Christ-bots crucifix. (Shouting, to Amy) Now pick a killbot!
HERMES: (Whispering, to Amy) Pick the crappest one they have, remember, that our friends in there.
AMY: (Whispering, to Hermes) Ok. (Normal) I pick… Awesome Silent Slapmachine.
A podium rises from the floor and Awesome Silent Slapmachine (or A.S.S. for short) is stood on it. He is basically a large amplifier with many robotic hands coming off it. The Silent part of his name is a total lie, as he is constantly playing heavy metal music. Hermes gives and impressed whistle.
HERMES: (To himself) Well, if it does kill them, maybe I can hire it.
18. INT. SECOND GAME AREA, FIRST ROOM. NIGHT
The second game area is designed to look like a medieval English castle. This first room looks like a dungeon of some sort. There is a hole high up in the wall. Low screaming is heard, it rapidly gets louder. Fry, Leela and Bender fall out on it and land in a heap on the floor. The hole in the wall disappears, covering itself over with bricks. They get up and dust themselves off. All three of them look worse for wear now, Fry is beginning to show signs of a badly groomed beard and Bender the robot equal, rust. Leela's eye is bloodshot.
FRY: What is this place?
LEELA: It looks like Euro Disney. How are we going to get out?
The door unlocks itself. All three look at it, wearily.
19. INT. SECOND GAME AREA, SECOND ROOM. NIGHT
Bender is suddenly kicked out of the door.
LEELA: (OS) Is the coast clear?
BENDER: (Patronizing) Yeeeees.
The dungeon door slams shut behind them.
20. INT. SECOND GAME AREA, FIRST ROOM. NIGHT
Leela and Fry are struggling with the door.
FRY: Damn, we're locked in. Bender, you gotta find a way of here, like maybe there's a lever or something.
LEELA: (Panicking, looking up at the ceiling.) Oh, and Bender, you may wanna hurry.
Shot revealing the ceiling, covered in spikes, lowering itself. Bender looks through a small window into the room.
BENDER: (OS) How long do I have?
LEELA: I'd say about two minutes.
BENDER: (OS) I can't see any sorta switch or anything in here. Well, nice knowing you.
Bender mumbles to himself as he walks off in search of a release switch. Leela and Fry lie down flat on the floor together, to prolong any chances of survival. Leela grabs Fry's hand and shuts her eye. She starts quietly whispering to herself. Fry turns his head to look at her. He kisses her on her forehead. Leela turns to him, and opens her eye again.
LEELA: (Scared) I'm scared, Fry.
FRY: I'm not.
LEELA: (Slightly confused) Why?
FRY: Remember what I said earlier about waiting for the right time?
FRY: To me, this is that time. And although we may die, I think we're closer now than we'll ever be… Killed in the name of light entertainment. Heaven isn't up there…
Fry points at the spiked ceiling, then realises this sort of ruins him symbolism.
FRY: (Quickly) Err… You know what I mean, it's in here…
Fry points to his heart. Fry smiles weakly at Leela, who returns the gesture.
FRY: If we both die, we'll still be together forever in each other's hearts.
A tear forms in Leela's eye.
FRY: I know where not going out or anything, so this is an extremely long shot, but back at Planet Express, I had something for you.
FRY: Remember when we visited our parallel selves in that universe in a box the Professor created?
FRY: Remember what parallel Fry bought parallel Leela on their first date together?
LEELA: (Shocked, but happy) A diamond scrunchie? For me?
FRY: And a diamond ring too, (Embarrassed) also some gold-plated lingerie… That one was Bender's idea. He said if you didn't want them, he'd give them as a gift to the next hookerbot he tries to seduce.
LEELA: Thank you, Fry.
FRY: (Hesitating) So… umm… can I see your bra now?
LEELA: I told you before, Fry, I'm not wearing one… But, I guess it couldn't hurt…
Leela pulls down her spandex jumpsuit just far enough to give Fry what he wants!
FRY: Whooo! I'm gonna die happy and aroused!
Leela smirks and starts to undress Fry. She giggles.
LEELA: (Seductive) You're gonna die more than that.
She climbs on top of him and kisses him passionately. Soon they're rolling around on the grimy dungeon floor together, naked. The spiked roof is now about halfway down.
21. INT. CHEESE IT! STUDIOS. NIGHT
The crowd watches this happening on the big screen. They're all cheering and making other noises showing approval. Morbo looks upset.
MORBO: (To himself, sadly) This will only lead to more humans being created…
22. INT. SECOND GAME AREA, SECOND ROOM. NIGHT
Bender is casually strolling along looking for the switch. He is singing the Ghostbusters film theme, with altered lyrics.
BENDER: (Singing, to himself) …When there's something strange, and it looks like crap, who you gonna call? Ghostbenders! When you got no friends, Bender laughs at you, you wanna know why? Benders great! I ain't 'fraid of no ghost…
A ghostly noise is heard.
BENDER: (Scared) Run away!
Bender runs to a dead end, but at the end of this corridor is a bookcase, not a wall. The noises stop. Bender inspects the bookcase.
BENDER: Hey, I bet one of these books is the trigger to stop Fry and Leela getting all deceased on me.
Bender randomly pulls books off the shelf in an attempt to save his friends. Soon they are all gone, and nothing has happened. Bender panics and runs back to the dungeon room.
BENDER: (Panicking) Guys, guys, I couldn't find the…
Bender spots the switch was right next to the door all along.
FRY, LEELA: (Still busy kissing each other) What?
BENDER: (Embarrassed) Nevermind.
Bender pulls the switch.
23. INT. SECOND GAME AREA, FIRST ROOM.
The ceiling retracts back upwards. Fry and Leela either don't notice or don't care. Bender walks in. Bender suddenly pulls out a camera and takes a look.
BENDER: (Happy) This time, when I post this on the internet, it will actually be Leela naked, not just Leela's head superimposed on Amy's body.
Bender chuckles. Beat. Heavy metal is heard echoing in the distance. The song playing sounds familiar, well to people with taste. It appears to be the Paranoid by Black Sabbath.
BENDER: Awww, what is it this time?
FRY: (Listening to the music) I think it's Iron Maiden.
LEELA: We'd better get outta here.
Fry and Leela quickly get dressed and run out. Bender follows them. Time cut.
24. INT. SECOND GAME AREA, THIRD ROOM. NIGHT.
All three are running along when a spotlight appears on them, so they stop in their tracks. It's A.S.S. with the head of the real, but zombiefied, Ozzy Osbourne in a jar.
OZZY OSBOURNE: (Shocked) Whoa man, this is some crazy stuff we've got here.
A.S.S.: (Electronic voice, to Ozzy) Just sing as loud as you can. That was the deal.
OZZY OSBOURNE: Alright, alright, keep your hair on.
A.S.S. turns up his own volume and plugs in a microphone for Ozzy. It's numerous hands then start to rotate at a very fast speed. The music starts to play and Ozzy gets ready to sing.
FRY: (Shouting) Ozzy, you rule!
A.S.S. advances on the now dancing Fry and slaps him across the room.
FRY: (In pain) Ozzy, you suck!
OZZY OSBOURNE: (Realising what's happening) Hey, man, I'm not doing this, this is really bad publicity, like the time in 2047, when I died. (To Bender) Hey, you, Iron Man, do me a favour. Take my head out of this jar will you.
Bender lifts Ozzy's head out of its jar and places it next to thing that most resembles A.S.S.'s head. Ozzy's head starts to foam at the mouth, then it proceeds to eat the 'head' of A.S.S., which of course, effectively kills it.
FRY: (Getting up) How in the hell did you do that, your majesty?
OZZY OSBOURNE: It's an art form.
Ozzy smiles revealing his over exaggerated teeth. Bender puts his head back in it's jar.
BENDER: (Pleading) Hey, Fry, Leela, can we keep him, please?
LEELA: I suppose so.
Bender gives an evil laugh.
BENDER: (Evil voice) Soon, I'll have my very own School of Rock. (Shouting, pointing at chest) In your face, Jack Black!
JACK BLACK: (OS) Screw you!
FRY: Hey, Bender, what happened to A.S.S.?
BENDER: (As Schwarzenegger) He bit off more than he could chew.
LEELA: Bender, that one-liner was terrible.
BENDER: (Normal voice) I know, but so are Schwarzenegger's.
25. INT. CORRIDOR TO NEXT GAME AREA. NIGHT
Bender, Fry and Leela are walking along a corridor, when they notice a well hidden door.
LEELA: (Shouting) You guys, wait. I've found something.
Leela wipes a load of moss off it. It's a door which reads 'Handy shortcut to studio floor' they go through it.
26. INT. CHEESE IT! STUDIOS. NIGHT
Morbo is stood with his finger in his ear, to hear the producer better through his earpiece. The audience are to busy watching footage on screen to notice.
PRODUCER: (OS) The contestants have gone missing, stall for time, the editing boys are just making a quick 'death scene' video.
The footage the audience is watching finishes.
MORBO: (Stalling) Err… Ladies and gentledroids, Morbo is suffering technical difficulties at the moment…
PRODUCER: (OS, interrupting Morbo) It's ready.
MORBO: (Rapidly) They're dead. Roll VT.
Fake footage of Bender being melted into liquid, similar to mercury, and Fry and Leela being decapitated. Morbo smiles wickedly.
MORBO: The humans and moronic metal man are…
Fry, Leela, and Bender burst through a door at the top of some stairs at the back of the audience. Fry and Leela are both holding laser guns, however Bender is dressed like Arnie and has an old style army gun, he also has a face covered in shoe polish and is smoking a cigar.
BENDER: (As Schwarzenegger, shouting) Mooorbooo!
Morbo panics and makes a run for it. Bender jumps up and grabs some wiring. He shoots away one end of it, causing him to swing down and kick Morbo over. Morbo turns over on to his back, with Bender standing over him. Fry and Leela join Bender. Bender points his gun at Morbo.
FRY: You're only meant to put criminals on this show. Not people who you think will be good for ratings, and make them look like criminals.
LEELA: But, Fry, Bender is a criminal.
FRY: (Upset, to Bender) Are you?
BENDER: (Proudly, putting his hand up) Booya! (Angry, to Morbo) This is a stick-up, now gimme my money!
MORBO: Insignificant cheating robot does not get any prize money, because he cheated.
BENDER: Awww, man. But I still go free, right?
Bender fires his gun in the air wildly. Morbo looks worried. The audience, save the Planet Express crew all run out.
MORBO: (Scared) Yes.
Bender lets Morbo up. Morbo runs off. Amy, Hermes, the Professor and Zoidberg all join Bender, Fry and Leela.
AMY: Fry, you're good at stealing, right?
AMY: We need someone to steal the prize I was offered, but turned down…
HERMES: (Adding)…Because she's an idiot…
AMY: Anyway, we need it to restore the Professor back to normal.
Bender rips off his outfit, opens his chest cabinet pulls out Ozzy and Jacks head's and the Microsoft 1 ½" Exo-Floppy Disk Data Gun.
BENDER: (Holding it up) You mean this thing?
HERMES: Bender, where did you get that?
BENDER: I took it off Morbo just now, I thought It looked useful.
Leela takes out the disk with Cubert/the Professors personality on it. She loads it into the gun, places it on the Professors temple and fires it. Within seconds his former personality is restored.
FARNSWORTH: Wha? What's been happening to me? The last 8 hours I've just felt like biting Zoidberg's head off to promote my latest album. It's beeping preposterous.
HERMES: I felt like biting Zoidberg's head off because I'm hungry.
FRY: (Happy) Yay! The Professors back to normal!
JACK BLACK: (Happy, OS) Kick ass!
OZZY OSBOURNE: (Sad, OS) Awww, there goes my lawsuit.
27. INT. APARTMENT 1I. NIGHT
Leela is sat alone on her bed. Her doorbell rings. Leela goes to answer her door. It's Fry and Bender. They have quite a fair bit of beer with them.
FRY: Bender was just… (Hints towards Bender) Leaving.
Bender goes to leave down some stairs.
BENDER: (Without looking back) Watch yourself Leela, he planning on getting you drunk and trying to sleep with you.
LEELA: (Shouting, to Bender) Tell him I'm planning on doing the same thing, only I won't need the beer.
BENDER: (OS, shouting, to Fry) Leela's planning on getting you drunk and… Ah, screw it, you heard her.
LEELA: (Smiling) Come in, Fry.
Fry brings in the beer with him and puts it in Leela's fridge.
LEELA: I've had an idea, Fry. How about we go out instead tonight, we can always drink your beer another night.
FRY: (Smiling) I'm happy to do anything with you. Where'd you wanna go?
LEELA: It doesn't have to be anywhere special. Everywhere is special with you around.
FRY: (Playfully) Hey, that's my cheesy line. Give it back.
LEELA: What can I say; you must have infected me with them, Mr. Fantabulous Sex.
FRY: Erm… I've sorta gone off that name now.
LEELA: Good, 'cause it was lame.
Leela stands up.
LEELA: Come on, let's go. Bender'll be lonely.
Fry stands up and takes Leela's hand. They walk out together. Time cut.
28. INT. O'ZORGNAX'S PUB. NIGHT
Bender is sat on his own, with a beer, looking down. Fry and Leela walk in and sit ether side of him. Bender sees them both and perks up.
BENDER: (Happy, but shouting) Whooo! My buddies are here and its time to get intoxicated, Bender-Style! (To the barman) Hey, get me and my friends three Atomic Supernova cocktails.
The barman mixes them and puts them down on the bar. Fry and Leela look at them in disgust. Beat. They run out.
BENDER: Oh well, Jack and Ozzy will drink these with me.
Bender takes out Jack and Ozzy's heads and puts them on the bar.
JACK BLACK: Rock on!
They, foolishly, drink them. End credits. Instead of normal theme song, Jack and Ozzy sing Bender's version of the Ghostbusters theme.