Futurama

Fan Fiction

The Problem With Bender
By Luis Gonzales

Author's note: This is a fanfic that is not related to the Fry-borg, and does not follow it's style. I'm aiming at less-action-more-comedy stuff so this isn't serious about anything at all, but that doesn't mean that I'll change the plot of the Fry-borg. As usual you know where to put constructive criticism (Luis30702000_219@hotmail.com) and destructive criticism (up yours!). Now seriously, if you write to me, please specify what did you like and what didn't you like, I can't improve if you don't.


Opening credits

We are in the Planet Express building, and the PE ship is just landing. We now see Leela, Fry, Amy and Bender come out covered in scratches and unknown saliva.

FRY : (Bored) Well, the planet of the apes looked better in that movie, with the statue of liberty and all. They could at least get the REAL statue.

LEELA : (Angry) But you didn't have to wreck that one just to prove it was a fake! Especially since I TOLD YOU THAT IT WAS!

BENDER : (Angry) Yeah! The only thing worth stealing in that filthy planet and you wreck it! I thought you had learned… You break ONLY what you CAN'T steal!

Amy is just cursing in Chinese. The professor walks in on their argument and stands there looking into the void.

LEELA : (Mad) Professor, please explain to Fry why he shouldn't do whatever they do in the movies!?

FARNSWORTH : (Still staring) ……

LEELA : (calm) Professor?

FARNSWORTH : (Angry) Damn turnips, just stay dead!…huh? Ah hi (happy), bad news everyone! The greatest starship captain in the DOOP died during a surprise attack at the neutral planet, and you'll be transporting the coffin.

LEELA : You mean Zapp Brannigan?

FARNSWORTH : (Annoyed) That's completely preposterous! As I was saying before this crazy one-eyed woman interrupted me, Zapp Brannigan died and-

LEELA : (interrupting) I'm so happy I'll buy drinks for you guys!

BENDER : I'm so happy I could be honest!… Naw, not really.

AMY : (Afraid) What about Kif!?

FARNSWORTH : He died when the neutrals shot the Nimbus with their dreaded beige beam. It seems the only survivor was a young green, spineless fellow that was Zapp's personal slave.

AMY : (Happy) Sigh, I was so afraid he'd be hurt.

FARNSWORTH : Your boyfriend just died and you're happy? Were you cheating on him with that lizard boy? (Grins) Because he was also badly injured and could use a (rubs his hands menacingly) blood and organ transplant.

ZOIDBERG : (Pops in unexpected) Does anyone need Zoidy?

FARNSWORTH : Oh my yes! This brave girl over here is about to have her organs removed to help some poor bastard that escaped from the nimbus unscathed.

AMY : Am not! And besides you are a lousy doctor, you couldn't cure a rash if your life was riding on it.

ZOIDBERG : I assure you, young man, that I'm a fully capable health professional. Now open your spiracle so I can examine your ink gland.

AMY : Say, did anyone notice how much trash there is out there since the collectors are on strike? (At the mention of this Zoidberg gurgles and shakes his's pincers, dashing madly towards the dumpsters)

FRY : (Puzzled) Leela, I thought you were against drinking-

BENDER : (hits Fry on the back) -without your friends baggete, where to?

LEELA : To the Hip Joint!

A fanfare plays while Leela's face is put over a spinning red screen (Like the scene changes from batman). Next we see the gang in the Hip Joint, each with a beer in their hands.

LEELA : Let's make a toast! (Everyone puts their beers together) To Zapp, may he burn in robot hell!

EVERYONE : Cheers!

FRY : (Drinks his beer) I just have this weird feeling that we forgot something…

We jump back to Planet Express.

FARNSWORTH : Where did the hideous mutant, the stupid spaz, the girl with the organs and the metallic drunk go?

HERMES : I'm docking all of d'ere checks, mon!

We go back to the Hip Joint. They all drink their beers, and then some more…and some more…and some more.

FRY : (Drunk) An' I told him… Keep it to yourself! (He falls from the bar stool)

EVERYONE : HAHAHAHAHA!

FRY : (Getting back on the stool) So, am I funny or what?

AMY : (Talking really fast) You should have seen your face, it was like (Makes a scared face) G'uh, you looked so dumb hahaha, (rambles on in Chinese)

Leela is laughing loudly and also falls from her stool, but this time everyone but Bender, who is laughing as hard as he can, is completely silent. Fry frowns but drags his feet to Leela and stands over her with concern on his eyes.

FRY : Leela, are you alright?

LEELA : I don't know? Do I still have one eye? (she chuckles)

FRY : I think you've drunk enough now. You should go home and get some sleep, I'll walk you home.

LEELA : (Thinking) I know what he's up to. (Out loud) No you won't, you're not getting lucky tonight, Fry. Or maybe you are?… No, you're not, and don't try anything funny or it just might work!… (recovering her senses) I mean, I just might kick your ass.

BENDER : Oh, finally some entertainment from the meatbags! I bet fifty bucks on Leela!

AMY : What if we all go? That way we can be sure she'll be okay, and we can keep partying.

LEELA : Oh, okay.

BENDER : Fine! I'm gonna get my own drunken rabble! With hookers! And blackjack! And…forget the rabble!

Bender storms out of the bar. And Leela, Amy, and Fry are next. They all head to Leela's apartment (1I), and get in. Leela stands just inside her apartment, as Amy and Fry both enter with a couple of six-packs and make themselves at home.

LEELA : I'm feeling less drunk now, I don't think you guys have to s-

AMY : (Interrupts Leela) -Where's the coffee maker, I could sure use a big cup of warm, steamy coffee (she gets in the small kitchen).

FRY : (Still drunk) Yuh Leela, ya could really use sum sobering up (as he says this, he opens another beer with his teeth) you look like you'd hurt yourself for a beer! (his mouth starts bleeding).

LEELA : Sigh… It's over here- no, wait…

AMY : (She walks out of the kitchen holding two cups of baconated coffee ) Found it (she hands one of the cups to Leela). Ewww, you don't have non-fat do you?

LEELA : Amy you're a wuss… and a slut.

FRY : Ohhh I wouldn't miss this for anything in the universe! (He falls in an ethylic coma)

AMY : (Frowns) I'm just honest (She takes a sip of coffee). (Grinning) So Leela, (Leela is also drinking her coffee) what did you mean when you said to Fry "Don't try anything funny or it just might work"?

Leela spits out her coffee.

AMY : (Still grinning) What? Too hot for you? I mean the coffee, just so you know. But maybe it's not the only thing you think is hot.

LEELA : (Nervous) I-I don't know what you're talking about.

AMY : I think you do (she points to a photo of Leela and Fry that was on a small table)

LEELA : (More nervous, she is talking fast) Fry is just a friend and you know that, it would never work, he's lazy and irresponsible and immature, and I can't change that, we'd just hurt each other, I mean just look at him! (she grabs Fry by the hair and we see his face, blood and drool coming out of his mouth)… (Annoyed) It's none of your damn business!

AMY : Yet you didn't say you don't want it to happen.

LEELA : Just shut up and turn on the TV.

AMY : Okay, okay you don't have to yell at me. (Mumbling but still audible) Jeez, like I'm the one guilty for your sexual frustration.

LEELA : (Coughing) Slut!

AMY : (Sneezing) Bitch!

LEELA : You are so annoying! I don't know why the hell you came here, but don't come again!

AMY : Like I would wanna! In fact I might not even talk to you again!

LEELA : FINE!

AMY : FINE!

Time lapse. Early morning. Leela lay half-asleep on her bed. Still too tired to wake up or even think, she is about to drift away again, when she notices the TV outside the room is still on. She doesn't want to wake up but she can't sleep either with the noise so she turns over and puts her arm over a lump in her bed, eye still closed in an attempt to start dreaming again. Finally, the desire to sleep starts to take the upper hand.

That's when Leela notices that this lump is shaped somehow... unusually. Leela opens her eye. Still being half-asleep, her brain doesn't find the fact that her usual nightgown is a bit loose, all too surprising. Also, this lump has arms… and legs… and hair. "Oh my god! I slept with Fry!" she thinks… "Wait, Fry's hair isn't black! And when did he grow a pair of..?!

LEELA: (screams loudly)

Beside her, Amy wakes up with a start and screams as well. Both now clearly awake, they stare at each other in shock.

LEELA: (confused) Whuh? Wha- w- w- I...

AMY: (Nervous) We- we didn't... you know...

A long silence sets in. Leela and Amy are still staring at each other, unmoving. Leela breaks the silence.

LEELA: (Nervous) Ho-how could this happen?

AMY: Oh my god, then we... we DID?

LEELA: I- I dunno

AMY: How could this happen!?

Finally, the truth sinks in. Both their eyes narrow.

LEELA/AMY : BENDER/BEER

LEELA: (Confused) What did you say?

AMY : (Hiding embarrassment) Bender!

LEELA: O… kay…

AMY : Let's just get him!

They both get dressed and walk out of the bedroom and to the living room, and see Fry still out cold, slumped over the couch still holding a beer. As Fry heard the door open, he started to wake up.

FRY : (Confused and half asleep) Hunnh… Leela what happened?

LEELA/AMY : NOTHING!/ JUST A REGULAR BORING DAY!/ NOTHING HAPPENED!

FRY : Hey, what's with you two, I just asked you a simple question and you're suddenly going postal?

LEELA : Ah, well, it's just that…

AMY : …We just have a horrible case of hang-over.

FRY : (In thought)hmm… Yeah, I know what you mean, my head is killing me and I'm so thirsty I could-

AMY : Yeah, whatever. Did you see anything strange happen last night?

FRY : (Confused) Like what?

LEELA : Like something moving around or strange noises or…

FRY : Now that you mention it, I do remember some metallic steps, and strange noises coming from the… (Shocked) Oh my god!

LEELA/AMY : It's not what you think Fry!

FRY : No! It is!… You two-

AMY : -Okay, okay we confess! (She points to Leela) It was all her idea!

LEELA : (Surprised) No way! I bet it was yours and Bender helped!

AMY: Just because you are masculine, it doesn't mean I'm attracted to you!

FRY : -were playing twister and didn't invite me…(Realizes) Wait! What does that mean?

LEELA/AMY : What?

FRY : (Confused) There's something strange going on here.

LEELA : It's all in your head Fry, now, aren't we supposed to go to work?

Fry is unconvinced, but leaves it at that. The three of them get to planet express and sit on the conference table, with a hangover the size of Siberia. The professor comes in mumbling incoherently, and Hermes follows close by.

HERMES : Sweet zombie Jesus! Ya three look like hell, where were ya!?

FRY : We had a couple of beers last night.

LEELA : More like a couple of CRATES of beer.

HERMES : Well we can't work like dat, come ere when ya get some rest!

AMY : Where's Bender?

HERMES : He's on the ship drinking with the auto-pilot

FRY : Hey! How come Bender can drink on the job and we can't even be here with a hangover?

FARNSWORTH : Good news everyone! You'll be making a delivery of extra-baconated coffee to Urectum, and we are docking your pay if it doesn't arrive at-

FRY : -30 minutes or less, I know the routine, I was a pizza delivery boy, remember?

FARNSWORTH : How am I gonna remember something about someone I don't even know!? That's completely (You guessed it) preposterous! Now off you go.

HERMES : But dey are in no condition to go near the ship!

ZOIDBERG : Maybe I can do something about that, I'm a certified doctor you know.

Everybody ignores Zoidberg.

ZOIDBERG : I said I can help…

Everything is silent and an alien plant that looks a lot like tumbleweed (the ones that are like a ball) rolls by.

ZOIDBERG : (sad) Awww… (he leaves)

They all get on the ship, Fry looking at Leela with suspicion. Leela and Amy leave Fry behind to load the shipment and head for the cockpit, where Bender is merrily puffing a big cigar and holding a beer in his hand. They walk in just in time to see the auto-pilot spark and shut down.

BENDER : Amateur! (Hears the door open and sees Leela and Amy) Hi meat-baggetes, interested in losing some money?

LEELA : (Angry) Don't play dumb! You know why we're here

BENDER : (Surprised) For the first time, I can honestly say I don't, and I didn't do anything.

AMY : (Puts out a disk and waves it in front of Bender) Ok Leela, he had his chance, now let me format him!

BENDER : (Scared) No! I seriously didn't do anything, I swear to your god!

LEELA : Amy wait, let him talk. Where were you after we left the bar?

BENDER : I picked up a robot hooker, a crate of LöBrau, and went straight to my apartment.

AMY : Why should we believe him, Leela? Just let me hack him and we'll find out ourselves!

LEELA : Yeah, got any proof?

BENDER : No, that stupid meatbag didn't come in all night, so no one saw me, and the hook-bot went off after some heavy interfacing.

LEELA : That makes sense.

AMY : Then what about the metallic sounds Fry heard?

BENDER : There's your proof, if I was guilty of whatever you meatbags are accusing me of, you wouldn't even know I was there!

AMY : Also makes sense.

BENDER : What am I being charged for anyway!?

LEELA/AMY : Stealing/blackmailing… Blackmailing/stealing

BENDER : I've done both and you haven't been so fuzzy about it. What's with you meatbags!

LEELA/AMY : It's none of your damn business!

LEELA : Let me talk!

AMY : You always talk! I wanna be the tough gal now!

LEELA : What's this a game for you? Somewhere out there, a tape with… that could be showing on the internet!

BENDER : What could be from you two and showing on the largest porn market in the- (Shocked) Oh your god!

LEELA : No! It's nothing like that!

BENDER : And I just thought this was about Amy's wallet. Why the hell did I miss that!? You know how much I could have milked it if I'd got a tape!?

AMY : Just shut up!… What was that about my wallet?

BENDER : What wallet!? (Amy sighs)

But then the door opens behind them, just in time for Fry to hear Amy say:

AMY : (To Leela) Now you're happy? This whole thing backfired, and now I really gotta hack into him and delete stuff.

FRY : Why?

Leela and Amy were startled by Fry, but Bender wasn't and in his usual personality, blabbed.

BENDER : Because these meatbags don't want people to find out they were interfacing yesterday. (To Amy) So, what wallet?

FRY : (Frozen from the shock)….

AMY : BENDER! YOU'RE DEAD!

Amy lunged at Bender, but missed by inches, as the robot ran for it. They both run out of the room. Leela looks at Fry who just stands there, looking like when he was still frozen. She puts courage together and talks to Fry.

LEELA : (Worried) Fry are you okay? Fry? Fry!? FRY!

FRY : (Still frozen from the shock)…

LEELA : (Thinking) Oh, what the hell, I already did this when he thought he was a robot (She kisses Fry passionately).

Unfortunately, this just adds up and he passes out. But Leela doesn't let go before Amy returns after catching Bender and re-programming his patriot chip to follow her commands.

AMY : Well, I just- (She walks in on Leela) -riiight... you don't have feelings for Fry, hmm?

LEELA : (Embarrassed, she drops Fry and he hits the ground) I was just-

AMY : (Sarcastic) -Giving him mouth to mouth? Or choking him with your tongue?

LEELA : (Annoyed) Ooh, a lesson in fraternizing from miss every-guy-in-a-bar-knows-what-I-moan!

AMY : (A bit angry) That was totally uncalled for!

FRY : (Waking up) Ouch! My head hurts. Hey guys I had this strange dream were bender told me… wait, it wasn't a dream! (He looks worried) But the other thing wasn't a dream either! (he grins)

LEELA : I was just trying to help you snap out of it Fry, don't get any ideas.

FRY : (Lets out a zoidberish "awww").

AMY : Whatever. Bender, what do you know about what happened yesterday?

BENDER : That could be anyone, though he's copying my style… this is clearly discrimination against robots! It could have been anyone made out of metal! Like some cheap copy of me!

ALL : …Flexo!

AMY : But what was Flexo doing at Leela's place?

FRY : Does my friend look like him?

They all roll their eyes simultaneously, but Fry just doesn't get it. After a while he makes a homer-style "d'oh"! and slaps himself on the forehead.

LEELA : Well, we got a delivery to make anyway, so I say we put this on hold until we get to Urectum (Fry giggles and Leela sighs).

AMY : I'll be finding out what Bender knows in the hold, you two try to keep your hands off each other. (She exits the cockpit)

FRY : (Happy) I can't swear-

LEELA : (Serious) -Just drop it Fry.

FRY : (Dejected) Awww.

The ship takes off to Urectum. Leela was still the one who had to steer after Bender's little contest with the autopilot. Fry stares at Leela, feeling a little hurt on the inside, but putting a brave face on the outside.

FRY : (Concerned) Leela, why did you-

LEELA : (Annoyed) Shut up Fry, I'm not in the mood for your idiotic ramblings.

FRY : (Hurt) How do you know if I'll say something stupid?

LEELA : (Sighs) Okay, go ahead, talk.

FRY : (In thought) …No, wait, I was.

LEELA : (Sighs) Why don't you just go get drunk with Bender!

FRY : (Dejected) Ok, whatever.

Fry runs out of the cockpit, leaving Leela to herself to think about the recent turn of events while she pilots the ship.

LEELA : (Thinking) How could this happen? It's completely absurd! I'm not…Am I?… no, stop it, Turanga, you're just a little shaken by this, you just need a little rest, that's all. Maybe I was a little harsh with Fry, he's only trying to help. Of course, he's not exactly very helpful but that's not his fault… Maybe I should go talk to him now that the autopilot should be more sober, he'll understand.

So Leela checks the autopilot's alcohol level, revealing that it's in the legal limits. She then activates it, sets the coordinates and goes to Fry's quarters. She is hesitant to open the door, wary of Bender's comments, but then remembers that Bender's with Amy, so she opens the door. Fry's sitting on his bunk with his eyes closed and his headset on, so he doesn't notice Leela enter the room, closing the door behind her.

LEELA : (Sits next to Fry) Fry, I wanted to talk to you about what happened at the cockpit. (No response) Fry, I know you might be upset but… (Still no response) Fry listen to me, I'm apologizing here! You're important to me, but not in that way!

FRY : (Notices that Leela is next to him) Huh? Oh hi Leela, what brings you to my humble?… room.

LEELA : (In thought) Oh, it's nothing important. (Cheerful) Just wanted to check if you were ok.

FRY : (Smiles) I'm okay, thanks. (Worried) Actually, can I ax you something?

LEELA : (Careful) What do you wanna know?

FRY : (Serious) Why do you keep pushing me away?

LEELA : (Frowns) Because I don't feel the same way about you that you do about me.

FRY : (Upset) That's not true! Why do you keep pushing me away?

LEELA : (A little angry) You don't know what I feel! Yeah, I like you, but as a good friend and as a co-worker, but I… don't love you, and I never will feel that way about you!

FRY : Then I got no other way out do I? (a combat knife appears in his hand) Goodbye Leela, I'm finally done trying. (He cuts his own throat and collapses)

LEELA : (Shocked) Fry stop fooling around! (Blood starts to form a puddle around Fry's neck) Fry stop it! Fry get up! Fry!? FRY!?

Leela wakes up with a jump. Scared, she looks around to find out she fell asleep on the controls. She quickly runs to the intercom and calls Fry.

LEELA : (Panicking) Fry! Are you okay! Answer me!

FRY : (Sleepy) What? We're being hit by pirates again?

LEELA : (Sighs and calms down) …It's nothing, just a (In thought)… potential radiation leak.

FRY : But I thought this ship wasn't nuclear.

LEELA : (Thinking) Oh, now you're smart! (Out loud) I mean from outer space.

FRY : But you said-

LEELA : (Frustrated) -Just get your lazy ass over here, Fry!

FRY : Aww alright, I'll be there in a couple of minutes.

LEELA : (Thinking) Maybe I should apologize to him. (Out loud) Just be quick.

Leela turns off the intercom and sits in the captain's chair. She relaxes a bit before Fry comes rushing in, knocking an empty beer bottle off a nearby console. He gets down and picks up the pieces, but cuts himself with a chunk of broken glass. This disturbs Leela.

LEELA : (Scared) Stop it!

FRY : (Confused) What? I know I'm a little rash but I'm not killing anyone.

LEELA : (Calmed) I mean, I can tell Bender to do it.

FRY : (Smiles) Like he'd listen to you.

LEELA : (Smiles) I think Amy took care of that.

FRY : So, what up?

LEELA : Fry I'm sorry for yelling at you, I know you only wanted to help but I was afraid you'd ask something awkward.

FRY : I know I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I'd never make you feel bad on purpose, because even if you never like me the way I like you, you'll always be my friend.

LEELA : (Smiles) Thanks Fry, you're the best friend I've ever had.

FRY : (Sighs sadly) I'll always be here for you.

Interrupting this moment, Amy comes along with Bender.

AMY : (Sly) I see you didn't listen to me huh? (Leela sighs) Well I finally found what's the deal with…(Frowns) the event. Bender?

BENDER : (Stereotypical robot voice) approximately 16 hours ago…(Normal Bender voice) I was interfacing with a hot hook-bot you meatbags! I don't know anything else, I swear (He lifts his arms and his chest door opens, a metallic fake goatee and a small disc fall out). Uhh… cheese-

AMY : (Yelling) Stand your ground, private!

BENDER : Sir! Yes! Sir! Damn you!

FRY : Bender!

BENDER : I was framed,. I swear!

Time lapse, Bender is fired from a torpedo tube towards a sun, but is tied by a wire to the PE ship. Inside of the cockpit are Leela, Amy and Fry.

FRY : I think he already learned his lesson

LEELA : Hey, a little scare won't hurt him

AMY : Hey, you guys wanna see something funny?

Amy presses a few buttons on a control console and the ship's magnetic crane comes out and grabs Bender. Bender starts singing "Sweet home Alabama".

FRY : Singing old country songs…A fate worse than death.

LEELA : (Frowns)Yeah, it's so sad…(Smiles) We'll let him in when we get back from (Fry grins) the delivery (Fry frowns).

AMY : And now, to put this where it'll never be found. (She puts the disk between her breasts)

LEELA : I think you said "where it'll never be found", not where everyone can find it. (Fry chuckles)

AMY : (Annoyed) Well then, you keep it.

LEELA : Hey I'm not interested in keeping that thing!

FRY : (Cheerfully) I am! (Leela gives him a killer glare) Just kidding, sheesh Leela, relax.

We zoom out of the delivery ship, which is going towards Urectum. The little disk is fired from the ship, attached to a torpedo, towards an asteroid which explodes upon impact. The scene changes to a robot strip club, and we see Flexo talking to a bartender.

FLEXO : I'm telling you, the sucker didn't know what hit him! Hahaha!

BARTENDER : Really?

FLEXO : Naw I'm just messing with you…not, hahaha!

BARTENDER : Whatever, just pay for those beers and- (Flexo's seat falls to the ground empty and we hear a door closing) -go… Damn, it's the fifth time this happens!

Now we zoom out of the bar, but see Flexo outside running from an angry bartender with an energy shotgun.

The end.


Authors end notes: Well if you think that sucked, join the club cause I'm never satisfied with my stuff. But like I said, if you're mailing me a critic with a point, shoot me again I ain't dead yet. And if you're just bitching, well read my first notes. Till next time, bye.

Buddies