By Sgt Wilco
For the readers: This
fanfic takes place right after the pilot episode of Stargate Atlantis
("Atlantis Rising") and the first four episodes of
Futurama, and shows what might have happened if things were a
bit…"crossed" (Zoidberg: Y'know, like
"crossover?" What, not even a chuckle? Oy, it's
showtime at the Apollo all over again!).
For the readers who can
draw: I heartily encourage you to do some fanart on this, since I
don't have an art program and, more importantly, couldn't
draw my way out of a paper bag.
For the lawyers of the
readers: I do not own or intend to make money off of the characters
of either show mentioned above. Now that I've said that, you
can tell your raiding parties the bad news about my money, but
reassure them of greater plunder on the next divorce/injury
For anyone who'd
like to leave feedback: My Email is firstname.lastname@example.org, but please
don't send any spam (mainly electronic, but that includes
canned as well; both are equally repulsive and hard to digest).
Episode 1: Space Pilot Rising, pt. 1: Leaving Kansas
Express hangar. The crew has just returned from a mission to a
certain "sunny little doomed planet," which as anyone
reading this knows (excluding some far-future archaeologist who will
take one glance and then laugh at our feeble attempts to create
literature) has been a complete disaster. Greeting them is my
Amy: Hey Fry, Bender.
Leela! Looks like you've gone and made yourself a new…friend…
attention is grabbed by this remark, and responds by jumping behind
Amy and putting her in a stranglehold)
Leela: Wha… (Amy
points offscreen and the camera turns around to show Nibbler)
Leela: Oh (releases
Amy)…um, ah…sorry, Amy, I, uh, don't quite
know what… came…over…uh…me…
suspiciously at Leela and massaging neck): Hmmm…Fry, how was
Fry: Man, it was great!
Those jail cell saunas you have in the future are fantastic!
Bender: Man, it was
great! Those jail cell saunas you have in the future are fantastic!
Leela (startled): Um,
we just uh, talked. I mean, uh, man, it was…
Amy: Alright Leela,
Leela: Okay, you wanna
know what happened? Zapp Brannigan is what happened!
That pompous, headline-grabbing, overpromoted, overworshipped…
BRANNIGAN?! Ai, INCHOH MI NAI UHTZONG BRANNIGAN HU-CHEH NAO SURU!
Amy (calming down, but
still very ticked off): …Okay, okay, Just lemme guess here: he
threw you in jail on trumped-up charges, offered to sort the
situation out, then played the sap until he got you into bed?
that's right…how'd you know?
(Flashback: Amy is
on board the Nimbus, accompanied by one of Zapp's former
assistants, this one a Neptunian)
Assistant: The captain
would like to speak to you in private.
Amy: Good. Maybe now
he'll tell me why he carpetbombed my family vineyard!
Assistant: And he wants
you to wear this.
Amy: Don't ask.
Farnsworth (walking in
offscreen): Yes, well done Leela and Amy, but you can regale us with
tales of your wretched hedonism later. Right now I have a new
delivery for you, a shipment of water wings to Atlantaea Four, the
Fry: Cool! Is that
some planet where it's Christmas all year long or something?
Farnsworth: No you
idiot, it's "holiday" as in "vacation."
Didn't they have Brits in your day?
Leela (under breath):
As long as it isn't in the DOOP...
Farnsworth: Well then
good news! Atlantaea Four is located in the Pegasus Cluster, a resort
galaxy completely controlled by an ancient race known as…
(Camera shows all
leaning in to hear what the professor has to say)
Farnsworth: Well what?
Fry: You were talking
about the Pegasus Cluster?
Farnsworth: The what
Fry: We have a delivery
Farnsworth: We do? Oh,
most excellent, we could certainly use the money, what with the lack
of business and all…oh yes…
Eugh, let's just get going, okay?
Bender: I second that
motion! (To self): …Lousy old coot …
everyone have a good time in the Pegasus Cluster! It's
completely controlled by the Wraith, you know…
The screen goes
white then fades back into a first person perspective of a barren
plain. The camera is running and looking back at a rapidly closing
posse comprised of a familiar breed of vampiric aliens. The camera
turns forward and we now see what it has been running to: a
large ring-shaped device aglow with rippling blue energy. Suddenly,
we hear a loud screech, and the camera turns back to show an organic
looking fighter, emitting a ray of similar rippling energy from its
underbelly. The camera picks up speed, briefly turns forward to
reveal the device is only a few feet away, and jumps. The screen
flashes white again and then cuts to a standard view of a similar
ring which, before sealing itself off and shutting down, spits out
JOHN SHEPPARD, who is immediately assisted by TEYLA EMMAGAN and AIDEN
Teyla (worried): Major
Sheppard, are you hurt?
No, no I'm fine... (grunts and gets to his feet) Y'know,
I don't know what confuses me more…what we were
doing on that useless, godforsaken rock…or what the Wraith
were doing there…
around to show the new setting, the Atlantis Control Center, then
cuts to an aerial view of the city itself. Caption on bottom reads
"Atlantaea Four: 2000 (Current name: Atlantis Base)".
Camera then cuts back inside, showing Sheppard, Teyla, and Ford
ascending the main staircase. Descending to greet them is RODNEY
McKay: Ah! There you
are! Major Sheppard, I was investigating the Jumper bay and I've
found something I think you'll be interested in…
Sheppard: Look, McKay,
I've just spent the last few minutes running from bloodthirsty
Wraith through 127 degree heat, so unless you've found a cold
bath and a case of beer in there, I'm probably not
McKay (rolling eyes):
Okay, so you probably won't be, but the fact is I need
your help. I've found a rather complex item of Ancient
technology in one of the jumpers, and since you're the only guy
here who can activate the stuff…
Sheppard: Right, right,
I'm coming. Teyla, Ford, you best come along too…y'know,
just in case I fall down along the way.
(The camera shows
the four walk the rest of the way up to the steps, then cuts to the
interior of one of the Puddle Jumpers, the crew compartment of which
is occupied by a large, odd-looking device)
McKay: Ah, here we are.
Now, see the large black thing in front of you there? I've been
putting it through every sort of test, scan, and examination
thinkable for the last, oh, seven hours.
Sheppard: So? What does
McKay: No clue. I mean,
it hasn't responded to any manual stimulus, it isn't
giving off any radiation, and the power source…well, just look
(McKay presses a
part of the device and a hexagonal container filled with strange,
purple-colored particles emerges from a dorsal panel)
when I say this is the power source I'm just making a
wild guess. It's unlike anything we've ever
encountered or recorded, so it might be a power source…it
might be a sound system.
Sheppard: What are
those weird little glowy things?
McKay: Major Sheppard,
what part of the phrase "unlike anything we've ever
encountered or recorded" don't you understand?
Sheppard: Alright, well
if I'm so ignorant, why'd you bring me here?
McKay: Well, as you can
see the device is connected directly to the jumper, I was hoping it
might do something if the Jumper was activated.
alright, don't get your duct tape in a twist.
that show really reinforces some bad Canadian stereotypes…
Sheppard: Yeah, like
"Canadians can occasionally be funny."
McKay: Just sit in the
(Sheppard enters the
cockpit along with Teyla and Ford, sits in the pilot's chair,
and activates the Jumper. The device in the crew area, however, shows
no signs of activity. McKay looks at the device in a frustrated way
until he is called over to another part of the hangar by Dr. Zelenka)
Zelenka: McKay! Come
over here, quick!
Eugh…Okay, just see if you can find an instruction manual, or
a captains' log, or something. I'll be right back, call
me over if you find anything. (leaves ship)
(concentrating): Okay, let's see here…captains'
log…and…nothing. Look, I dunno what this thing is, but
if Rodney can't figure it out it'll be a thousand
years (Large, mostly silent flash) before anyone else
does. (Shouting): Y'hear that Rodney? It'll
(Camera turns around
to reveal a darkened Jumper bay, with boxes and crates replacing the
Jumpers and emptiness replacing McKay and Zelenka)
Ford: Um, excuse me sir
but…what just happened?
(Cut to space view
of Atlantaea Four, which is now completely waterlogged. After caption
appears (reading "Atlantaea Four: 3000"), The Planet
Express Ship zooms into view. The camera then cuts to the interior,
where we see Leela at her work station, Bender at his station but not
working, and Fry, who is currently pressed up against the window
taking in the view)
Fry: Wow, this is
amazing! Y'know, that's the only world I've ever
seen completely covered in water!
Leela: True, but aside
from Earth and Vergon Six, that's the only world you've
ever seen period.
Fry: Oh. Good point.
Bender: Eeh, you
Humans. You care too much about what a planet looks like on the
outside. You just don't get that it's what's
underneath all the so-called beauty that counts!
Leela: Why Bender,
that's so sweet. I never knew you were like that…
Bender: You kiddn'?
I've always been a raging kleptomaniac, and that goes double
for lost cities and buried treasure! That stuff you can only
find under the surface!
(Scene cuts to a
large tropical island. The PE Ship is shown flying through the
landscape for a while, eventually stopping over a large volcano. The
camera moves above the ship to show that the mouth of the volcano is
covered by a large set of blast doors. These open to reveal a
seemingly endless artificial tube, which the ship then descends
through. The camera then cuts to the interior of the now-empty Jumper
bay, where we find Sheppard, Teyla, and Ford making their way to the
doors on the other side)
Ford (shouting): MCKAY?
Ford…I do not think they are here…
let's check out the rest of the base, see what's going
on…I tell you though, I have a really bad feeling about
approaches the doors, which should open automatically, but don't)
odd, the doors are locked down…Ford, can you override it?
Ford: Just step back
sir… (Ford opens a panel in the walls and starts rearranging
the circuitry) …Okay…almost got it…There!
(The doors open,
allowing them in, then automatically close. The camera then turns
around, showing the doors on top of the hangar open up. The PE Ship
then lands and descends its cargo platform, along with its crew)
Leela: Well, this is
where the guy up top said to deliver this crate.
Fry: Are you sure
that's what he meant when he said to shove it where the sun
Leela: Yes Fry,
now use the hoverdolly and put it with those other crates.
Fry: Why not have
Bender do it?
Leela: Because he's
more likely to put it with those other pawn shops.
Fry (frustrated): Eugh,
fine. But just because we can't trust the robot.
Bender (offscreen): I
heard that, skintube!
(The camera is
following Fry as he pushes along the dolly and grumbles to himself
for some time. Suddenly, it bumps into something, causing Fry to hit
his head on the crate. He grumbles louder, pushes the dolly aside,
then gapes. The camera switches to a view from behind, and we now see
the object of Fry's interest: the abandoned Puddle Jumper. With
the camera in the same position, Fry runs around to the back, enters
through the open hatchway, sits in the pilot's seat…and
hears a slight hum. The camera then switches to a view of Leela and
Bender: So then on my
third day bending girders…
(Bender is then cut
off by the sudden illumination of the Puddle Jumper in the
Fry (shouting): Hey!
You guys have to see this!
(The camera is now
following Sheppard, Teyla, and Ford as they slowly navigate the
hallways of Atlantis which, for some inexplicable reason, are now as
dark as the Jumper bay. Ford and Teyla are bringing up the rear and
have their weapons at the ready, while Sheppard is on point with a
Lifesigns Indicator. After a while…)
Ford: Aw, C'mon
Sir! This is just dumb!
Sheppard: Oh, really?
Y'know, the whole sneakin' around, covert-ops BS we're
flauntn' here! Sir, just because the base has a blackout
doesn't mean it's suddenly enemy territory!
Sheppard: Yeah, you're
right about that…if it's a blackout. The only
problem with your theory there is that I'm not
getting a reading on McKay or Zelenka, or anyone else for that
Ford: No, wait, look
(The camera moves
from its close-up of Ford to a rear view of Sheppard's head. As
he and, by the same effect the camera, look down, we see that there
is in fact a single blip on the indicator's screen. The screen
moves to a close-up of Sheppard…)
Ford (in background):
Hey, now see? They already have a technician out to fix the
generators! (The camera turns around to show a shadow intersecting
the hallway…) Now what'd I tell ya, huh? This is
is getting droned out by the sound of a heartbeat. The camera angle
now switches between a view of the shadow and a close-up Sheppard's
face, with each switch the former getting closer and the latter
getting more anxious. Suddenly, the scene sticks on a view of the
shadow, and we can now see the legs of its source. Within the space
of a few heartbeats, the camera moves up to show the upper half of
the individual, at which point the sound cuts out. We can now see
that the figure on patrol is in fact…a Wraith Warrior. There
is utter silence for a few moments. Suddenly, the Wraith lets out a
long, piercing shriek, but takes a number of bullets to the head
before he can finish. Picking up where he left off, however, is the
harsh clang of the Atlantis Security Alarm…)
Ford: Got anything else
to say, blackout boy?
(The scene switches
back to Fry, now along with Leela and Bender (with a camera angle the
same as when Sheppard and company were in the Jumper a few minutes
earlier), who don't notice some activity going on in the
Leela: Alright Fry,
what is it this time?
(The doors open, and
Sheppard, Teyla, and Ford run through with Wraith in hot pursuit)
Fry: What is it this
time?! Leela, look around! Do you have any idea how cool
this thing is?
(Sheppard and Teyla
take cover, while Ford rewires the circuitry, managing to close the
door just in time)
Leela: Alright, two
things: First, this is just some abandoned antique hovercar, there
isn't anything "cool" about it. And second, I don't
care how cool you think it is, it isn't yours, and I
would very much like to avoid a lawsuit from our client.
(Ford and Sheppard
start to relax, until Teyla points out the now-occupied Jumper)
Fry: Okay, but now I
have two things for you: First, like you said it's
abandoned, nobody cares about it! And B, the
thing started up by itself! It's just begging for
(The trio starts
running towards the Jumper)
A Joyride?! Fry, are you out of your mind? It's just a
car, you can find plenty of those back on Earth!
just about to reach the vehicle, when suddenly…)
Well I don't know about you, but I'd be
flipping out over this thing if I was back in the year 2000…
familiar flash encompasses the cabin and the screen, which switches
to a "flashback" of McKay's conversation with
Zelenka. We can clearly see the Jumper (occupied by Sheppard, Teyla,
and Ford) in the background.)
Alright Zelenka, can you make this quick; I'm in the middle of
examining some very complex Ancient technology here.
And I think I can help. You see, I was going through the Ancient
database, and I found a section on a rouge scientist named Janus.
Apparently, before the city was evacuated he managed to design and
build a machine capable of…time travel…
McKay: Oh I'm
sorry, I think I heard you wrong; you see I thought you said
"time travel," but you just really couldn't
have, because TIME TRAVEL is PURELY and SIMPLY
(McKay does not
complete his sentence because the jumper containing Sheppard, Teyla,
and Ford has suddenly vanished into thin air…)
McKay (worried, walking
towards spot formerly containing Jumper): Uh, ah heh…uh I'm
uh sure he's just eh, accidentally…activated the, uh
(McKay is again cut
off, this time when the same jumper rematerializes right in his face.
But instead of seeing Sheppard, Ford, and Teyla, he sees a civilian,
a…robot…and…wait, how many eyes does that
woman have??? All stare at each other for the longest time until,
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!