Fan Fiction

Single, Uptight Female
By Gorky

Opening caption: Everyone's doin' it.

(We open on the exterior shot of 7-11. A poorly handwritten sign in the window reads, "High School Dropouts End Up Hear". We cut to the interior of the building, and Fry, Leela, and Bender are standing in front of a display of birthday cards, browsing through them. A sign above the display reads "Mutants". Leela picks up a card.)

Leela: (reading) "Congratulations on your new toes…"

(Fry picks up another card.)

Fry: (reading) "The only thing worse than being your kid is…"

(He opens up the card. There is a mirror, and we see his reflection.)

Fry (cont.): (reading)…"looking like you too!"

(He laughs uproariously for a moment.)

Fry: (takes a deep breath) Oh, Leela, we have to get him this one!

Leela: No! We're supposed to be looking for a birthday card!

Bender: Birthday card?

(Just then, a man walks by, carrying a card in one hand. Bender knocks him over and swipes the card.)

Bender: How 'bout this one?

(He hands it to Leela. It is a plain white card reading "Happy Birthday, Dad.")

Leela: Perfect.

(The three walk over to the cashier and hand him the card. He rings it up, and Leela hands him the payment.)

Cashier: Very good. Anything else?

Bender: Could I get a pack of smokes?

Cashier: Certainly, sir. And how will you be paying for them?

Bender: (nervously) Um…like this!

(He punches the cashier in the face, and he falls over. Bender then nonchalantly extends his arm, grabs a pack of cigarettes, and leaves the store. Beat, then Fry sheepishly takes a pack of gum, sticks it in his pocket and walks off-screen, whistling.)

Leela: Oh brother. (Beat, as her eye wanders over the counter) Ooo, Rollos!

(She grabs a pack of Rollos and nonchalantly exits.)

(Cut to the New New York streets. Bender, Fry, and Leela (l to r) are standing around a manhole cover.)

Leela: Bender, would you like to do the honors?

Bender: No.

Leela: Let me rephrase that…(she pulls out a crowbar)

Bender: Aw, alright…

(Bender extends his arms, reaching his hands under the cover. He bends the right side upward, in half, and then lifts the cover. He proceeds to fold the cover into an origami dove…thing. He looks at it, beaming.)

Fry: (snickering)

(Bender becomes enraged at Fry, and hurls the dove at him. The force of the throw causes Fry to fall over backwards, into the open manhole. Bender folds his arms in scorn, while Leela looks down in shock.)


Fry (o.s.): I'm okay!

Bender: (sarcastically) Woo.

Fry: Lucky for me, Leela here caught me. Say, Leela, did you dye your hair? Um…and change your clothes?

Leela: Fry? What the hell are you talking about?

(Cut to the sewers. A mutant almost identical to Leela-save the fact that her hair is red and she is wearing tattered peasant clothes-is holding Fry in her arms.)

Leela (cont.; o.s.): We're coming down.

(When the mutant hears this, she drops Fry and runs off-screen. After a beat or two, Bender and Leela enter the frame from a ladder.)

Leela: Fry, are you okay?

Fry: No.

Leela: Can you walk?

Fry: No.

Leela: Where'd that mutant go?

Fry: No…(beat) I mean, over there.

(Fry points to the left of the frame. Leela stares ponderously in that direction for a moment. Meanwhile, Fry manages to help himself up.)

Bender: C'mon, humans! We came here to loot, and loot we must.

(Leela and Fry turn to Bender.)

Leela: What'd you say?

Bender: Who said I said anything about stealin'! I meant we were gonna visit your dad! I mean, I didn't say anything…

Fry: What?

Leela: Bender's right. Look you guys, let's just try to forget about what Fry saw, okay?

Bender: Aye, aye, Captain.

(Bender opens his chest compartment and takes out a guitar. He hits Fry over the head with it. Leela stares wide-mouthed at the spectacle, in shock.)


Fry: Hi.

(Leela rolls her eye, and the three continue on towards the house, Fry limping.)

(Cut to the Turanga household. Fry, Leela, and Bender are standing outside the door. Leela knocks gently.)

Bender: You call that a knock? I'll show you a knock.

(He clenches his hand into a fist, closes his eyes, and swings his arms in a circular motion-like a pitcher winding up. As this is happening, Turanga Morris opens the door.)

Leela: Happy birthday…

(Bender unwinds and knocks on the "door"…by which I mean Morris's face. Morris falls over backwards.)

Bender: Wasn't me…

(Turanga Munda walks up to the door.)

Munda: Leela, you're here! (she sees Morris on the floor, unconscious) Morris, wake up, your daughter's here.

(Morris is unresponsive.)

Munda: Oh…

(Cut to the living room of the house. Munda and Leela sit on the couch with Morris between them, his face bruised and a bandage wrapped around his head. Fry is sitting in an armchair to their right with a party hat on, and Bender is standing to their left.)

Leela: (apologetically) I'm so sorry about what Bender did, Dad. Are you okay?

Morris: (facing Munda) Of course, Leela. Now could you please stop spinning?

(Munda and Leela exchange concerned looks.)

Leela: Um, why don't I give you your present, Dad. (she turns to Bender) Bender?

(Beat, as everyone turns expectantly to Bender.)

Bender: Whadda you lookin' at? (pause) Oh, right.

(He takes a small wrapped box out of his chest compartment and hands it to Leela.)

Leela: Here, dad. (Morris still faces Munda) Dad? Over here.

Morris: Oh, hi, sweetie. When did you get here?

Leela: Um…why don't you open your present?

(She hands him the box, and he unwraps it. He opens the box, and pulls out a locket.)

Morris: Aww…

Leela: Look inside.

(Morris opens the locket, and we see it from his POV for a moment. We can see a picture of Leela, Morris, and Munda inside. There is also an engraved message.)

Morris: (reading) "Bake for two hours at 350 degrees. Let sit for one hour…"

Leela: Um, why don't you let Mom read it?

Munda: Good idea.

(Morris hands Munda the locket. As she reads it, a soft smile forms on her face.)

Munda: (reading) "Thanks for everything, Dad. If it weren't for you and Mom, I wouldn't be where I am today. I love you. Your daughter, Leela." Oh, honey…

(She turns to Leela and hugs her. Fry and Morris look on at the sweet tableau.)

Leela: I love you, Mom.

Munda: I love you too, honey…


Bender: I don't meant to interrupt…

Fry: (angry) Yes you do!

Bender:…But isn't there supposed to be food at this thing?

(Leela and Munda pull apart, and look to Bender.)

Munda: Oh, that's right, the cake. It's in the kitchen. I'll go get it.

Leela: I'll come with you.

(They exit stage left. We stay on the same shot.)


Morris: Where am I?

(Cut to the kitchen. It is a pretty plain room, much like the others. A small, round table sits in the middle of the room, as do the other kitchen utilities. There is a window above the sink. On the counter, there is a birthday cake.)

(Munda and Leela enter the kitchen, and head for the cake. They look it over. It simply says "Happy Birthday, Morris" and has two figurines-one of a mutant, and another of a man with a net and a hat that says "Ghost Busters". "Ghost" is crossed out and replaced with "Mutant")

Munda (re: cake): Funny, huh?

Leela: (dishonest) Um…yeah…I guess.

(Leela heads to the sink. She looks out the window. There's not much to see.)

Leela: (sigh) You know, Mom, sometimes, when I'm all alone, I think about you and Dad, and all of the things I missed about growing up with you guys…

(Munda walks to her side.)

Munda: It must have been hard for you.

Leela: Yeah…it was just…(shocked) Oh my God, it's that lady Fry made up!

Munda: What?

(Through the window, we can see the Leela-esque mutant. She passes by the window, a la Bigfoot in the now infamous videotape. She turns and sees Leela and Munda watching her. She scurries away like a small, scared animal.)

Munda: (calling out the window) Leela, what are you doing out there? You're supposed to be at your father's birthday party, young lady!

Leela: Mom! I'm right here!

Munda: Oh, right. Who was that?

Leela: I don't know…

(She opens the window and begins climbing out.)

Leela (cont.): …But I'm gonna find out. I'll be back.

(She jumps to the ground and heads in the direction of the other mutant.)

Munda: (sigh) Never a dull moment…

(Just then, we hear voices from off-screen.)

Fry (o.s.): No, Mr. Leela…sir. Don't!

Morris: (singing off-key) Ch-ch-changes!…

(Munda rolls her eye and sighs.)

Munda: Morris, what'd I say about doing Bowie!

(She heads off-screen, towards the living room.)

(Cut to the sewers. Leela is searching for the mutant-lurking through the dark, dingy sewers. She has her wrist-a-ma-jiggy up to her face, holding it with her opposite arm. She takes careful, precise steps.)

Leela: (whispering to herself) Okay, Leela, don't give up. She couldn't have gotten that far. Stay calm.

(Just then, we hear deep, heavy breathing coming from behind Leela. This causes the already nervous Leela to jump in fright, accidentally causing her wrist-a-ma-jiggy to fire a laser.)

Leela: Ah! (she turns around, and sees the mutant) (calmly) I mean…hello there.

(The mutant stares blankly at her. Awkward silence follows.)


Leela: Well…I guess I'll be going.

(Leela turns to go, but the mutant stops her.)

Mutant: No, wait…

Leela: Okay…

Mutant: Hi (she extends her hand to Leela; she shakes it). I'm Eve.

Leela: I'm Leela.

Eve: Hi, Leela.

(Another awkward silence, as the two stare blankly at each other yet again.)

Leela: Well…I guess I'll be going.

(Leela turns to go, but Eve stops her.)

Eve: No, wait…

Leela: Okay…

Eve: Can I ask you something?

Leela: (correcting her) Axe.

Eve: What?

Leela: Um…never mind. Go ahead…ask.

Eve: What's an alien doing down here?

Leela: I'm no alien…I'm a mutant.

Eve: A mutant? You mean…like me?

Leela: Uh-huh.

Eve: (sadly) Oh…it must be great on the surface.

Leela: Yeah, yeah…it is.

Eve: Well, I guess you'll be wanting to get back up there. I won't keep you any longer…I guess I'll be going.

(Eve gets up to go, but Leela stops her.)

Leela: Wait, don't go…

Eve: Why?

Leela: (Beat) You're coming with me.

(Cut to the Turanga household, living room. Morris is lying down on the couch, an ice pack on his head, which is resting on Munda's lap. Meanwhile, Fry and Bender are playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey. Fry is blindfolded, and Bender looks on. The usual poster displaying a tailless donkey is noticeably absent.)

Fry: Am I close, Bender?

(Bender opens up his chest compartment, and we can see the poster of the donkey rolled up in his chest. He looks down, then at Fry, who is nowhere near Bender and his compartment, but closer to the cement wall.)

Bender: Nope.

(We cut to Bender.)


(Off-screen, we hear a loud crash.)

Bender: Tee hee hee…

(Just then, we hear a knock on the door.)

Bender: I'll get it.

(Bender extends his arms and opens the door. We see that Leela and Eve are there. Without looking at them, Bender slams the door in their faces.)

Bender: Thank you, come again.

(An angry Leela kicks the door open. Seeing Leela, Munda gets up.)

Munda: Leela, you came back!

Leela: Of course I did, Mom. Why wouldn't I?

Munda: Well, I thought you might have had more important things to do than stay here and watch your father make an idiot of himself. (She turns sharply in Morris's direction. He gets up.)

Morris: Not so loud…I feel like I was hit in the head with a big iron stick.

Bender: (proudly) 30%, baby (he knocks on his chest)

Leela: Oh good, Dad, you're feeling better. I have something I have to show Mom and you.

(She turns to the door, where we can see Fry taking off his blindfold and clutching his head in pain.)

Leela: (calling towards the door) Come on in, Eve!

(After a few moments of silence, Eve opens the door timidly. She slowly walks over to Leela, Munda, and Morris.)

Morris: Munda, get the thermometer-I'm seeing double.

Munda: (gasps) Leela, it's that other girl!

Leela: Mom, Dad, this is Eve. She's a mutant, like the three of us.

(Bender walks towards the other four and examines them all closely for moment.)

Bender: Ah…I see the resemblance-a family of one-eyes…

(The group turns to Bender, their eyes narrowed in hostility.)

Bender: What?

(Just as it appears that the four unhappy mutants are about to turn on Bender, Fry walks towards the group.)

Fry: Hey, Leela (he nods at Leela), Leela (he nods at Eve). (Beat) Wait, what?

Leela: Fry, this is Eve.

Fry: Well, that explains everything. If anyone needs me, I'll be rooting through your garbage with Bender.

(Bender and Fry exit the room, out the door.)

Munda: So, Eve, what brings you here?

Eve: Well, Leela has this plan to sneak me up onto the surface, because I look more like an alien than a mutant, like her. But it's a secret, so I'm not supposed to tell anyone. (Beat, as Eve realizes what she has just done) Oops…sorry.

Leela: That's okay. Look, Mom and Dad, I'm going to try and get Eve to blend in with Fry, Bender, and me when we go back up to the surface. I need you guys to cover for me, so the other mutants don't see what we're doing.

Munda: Can do, sweetie.

Leela: Great. Wait here. I have to go tell Fry and Bender the plan.

(Just as Leela is about to make her way towards the door, Fry and Bender open it and come in.)

Bender: No need to explain.

Fry: Bender and me were listening through the door.

Leela: Why?

Fry: (he shrugs) I 'unno.

Leela: (sigh) Whatever. Now c'mon, it's getting late.

(Everyone heads out the door.)

(Cut to the sewers. "Pink Panther" music is playing as the following montage takes place:

Leela enters the frame from stage left. She is wearing a long jacket and hat. She takes cautious steps until she reaches the right edge of the frame. She then turns to the left and motions for Fry and Bender to follow her. They enter the frame, whistling nonchalantly. When they get to Leela, the three of them motion for Munda, Morris, and Eve to follow. The three mutants are cloaked, with Eve tightly wedged between Morris and Munda. They eventually reach the other three. Fry turns to Leela.)

Fry: Why are you wearing that coat?

(The music stops suddenly, like a record player.)


Leela: What, this? No reason.

(She rips the coat and hat off, and throws them to the side. The music resumes, as does the action:

Leela turns her head from side to side, checking to see if the coast is clear. When she sees that it is, she motions for the others to follow her. They do, and we pan along with them as they slowly reach the ladder. When they do, Leela is the first to climb it. We cut to the manhole cover. After a beat, it slowly opens, and we can see Leela's eye through a small crack. She looks to all sides of her, and sees nothing. She lifts the manhole cover, and climbs out. She looks down the sewers and motions for Fry and Bender to come up. They come up, closing the manhole cover behind them. Eve is noticeably absent. Just then, we hear a crash come from inside Bender's chest compartment. The music stops again, as Fry and Leela turn to Bender.)

Bender: Oh, right…

(He opens up his compartment, and Eve comes tumbling out. She composes herself, and gets up. Then, the music resumes as the four of them run towards Planet Express, which we can see on the horizon.)

(Cut to inside the Planet Express Building- -Hermes's office. He is sitting at his desk, happily stamping a document repeatedly. As he does this, he sings a "melodic" little tune to himself.)

Hermes: (singing to the tune of…well, you guess) Ya requisition dis, ya invalidate dat. You do somet'in else, and den you do de stampy dance. Ya put it on a pile, dat ya gotta rearrange. Dat's how we instigate change!

(Suddenly, the doorbell rings. Hermes gets up from his work to go answer it.)

Hermes: Who could dat be at dis hour?

(Cut to the doorbell outside Planet Express. We see Bender's finger repeatedly pressing the doorbell, accompanied by the annoying PE ring. He does this rapidly for a few beats. We hear Leela from off-screen.)

Leela (o.s.): Um, Bender?

Bender (o.s.): Yeah?

(We pull out to reveal Fry, Eve, and Leela staring impatiently at Bender.)

Bender: What?

(We pull out further to reveal Hermes standing at the half-open door, also staring at Bender impatiently.)

Leela: Hermes is here.

Bender: I knew that…

(Beat, as a moment of awkward silence passes between everyone except for Hermes, who is agitated.)

Hermes: (facing Eve) For the love of Jah, Leela! What's goin' on here?

Leela: Hermes, I'm over here.

(She waves at Hermes, who at this point has a confused look on his face. He refocuses his stare at Leela.)

Leela: Hermes, this is Eve. She a mutant.

(Hermes's jaw drops. He reaches off-screen and grabs a Styrofoam cup. He takes a swig from it, and proceeds to do a spit-take. The only problem is that, when he tries, no liquid comes out.)

Leela: Um, Hermes, I think the cup needs water in it for that to work.

Hermes: Right.

(He reaches his hand off-screen again, and we can hear the sound of a water cooler bubbling. He pulls his hand back, takes a swig from the cup again, and performs the take successfully, spitting water right in Fry's face.)

Leela: Perfect.

(The screen dissolves to a while later, with Leela and Eve still explaining their story to Hermes as they stand outside the half-opened door. Fry and Bender are asleep.)

Leela: …And that's what happened.

Hermes: Oh…makes perfect sense.

Leela: Good, because we have to go explain it to the others.

(As if on cue, Hermes opens the door up completely, revealing the rest of the Planet Express crew, sitting in a room with a couch, and a TV that usually isn't there, but for all intents and purposes, let's pretend it is.)

Amy: We heard.

Leela: Oh…good. (beat) Hey, I've never noticed this room before…

Hermes: (nervously) Um, Leela's right…we better go talk about dis in the Conference Room.

Leela: Um…okay, then. (to Fry and Bender) C'mon, guys.

(Fry and Bender don't respond. Leela rolls her eye, but shrugs it off, walking inside the PE building with Eve. Cutting inside the "Mystery Room" (which will now be called the "Plot Accommodating Room"), we see Leela, Eve, Farnsworth, Zoidberg and Amy walk out of the room. Hermes stays by the door for a minute, with a far-away look on his face.)

Hermes: (monotone) Note to self: the purple woman knows too much.

(Cut back outside, to the sleeping Fry and Bender. Bender stirs, opening his visor up halfway. His eye widens, he gasps a little, and his visor lifts completely. He frantically turns his head from side to side, scanning his surroundings.)

Bender: (utter disbelief) Oh. No. God.

(Fry stirs and sees Bender, who has a shocked look on his face.)

Fry: (lazily) What's wrong, Bender?

Bender: Everyone's gone!

(Fry wakes up completely, with a jolt.)

Fry: What do you mean?

Bender: Well, isn't it obvious? While we were innocently sleeping, all of robo-kind and our carefree pets (Bender points to Fry) were wiped out by some unknown force! We're the only one's left!

Fry: No!

Bender: Yes!

(Bender stands up to emphasize his point, staring purposefully at nobody. Fry stands up as well.)

Bender (cont.): I think we know now what we must do!

Fry: Nope.

Bender: Isn't it obvious?

Fry: Nope.

Bender: We need to appoint a new leader! Any suggestions?

Fry: Well…

Bender: Bender it is!

Fry: Hooray!

Bender: And for my first action as Earth's almighty dictator, I call for the recolonization of the planet! (aside to Fry) How exactly do you skintubes recolonize, again?

(Fry whispers something in Bender's nonexistent ear. Bender looks disgusted.)

Bender: Eww! (nonchalantly) Ah, screw it. Let's go watch TV.

(The two of them enter the Planet Express Building.)

(Cut to the Conference Room. Amy and Zoidberg are playing cards, while Farnsworth sleeps to their side. Hermes, Leela, and Eve are sitting at the head of the table, disheveled, over a few scattered piles of paper. They are obviously debating over something.)

Leela: C'mon, Hermes, Eve needs a job!

Hermes: I'm sorry, Leela, but there's just no room in da budget to pay another employee! Look!

(Hermes hands Leela a paper, and she looks it over.)

Leela: Hmm…

Hermes: See?!

Leela: Wait…what if you changed Fry's occupation from "Delivery boy" to "Company toaster"? His salary could go to Eve!

(She points to the paper, and Hermes looks to where her finger is pointing. Beat, as he looks it over.)

Hermes: (gasps) It's perfect! Eve, welcome to Planet Express! (he shakes her hand) Just remember our mission statement: (he looks at a piece of paper, reading from it) "Insert mission statement here".

Leela: Whatever. Look, Eve, since you don't have anywhere to sleep tonight, you can stay with me until you find your own place.

Eve: Great!

Leela: Great! Let's go, then.

Eve: Sure. Just let me say goodnight to Fry and Bender first.

(Cut to the Lounge. Fry and Bender are sitting on the couch, watching TV with dazed looks on their faces. "All My Circuits" is on. We cut to the screen to see the "action".)

(And just where is the action taking place? Why, a large, crowded banquet hall, of course! An old, distinguished-looking robot is standing at a podium on a stage, where Calculon (dressed formally-by which I mean he's wearing a black bow tie) is sitting behind him.)

Distinguished-Looking Robot: We are all gathered here on this fine evening to acknowledge Quadruple-Ph.D. Calculon for his daring work in the medical field with this very shiny plaque. (he holds up the plaque) Come on up, Calculon!

(Calculon goes up to the podium and accepts his plaque. Everyone applauds.)

Distinguished-Looking Robot: Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Calculon!

(Everyone applauds again. The robot sits down, giving the podium to Calculon.)

Calculon: Ladies and Gentlemen, you have no idea how much this very shiny award means to me…probably because you've never won one for yourselves. (demeanor changing to distraught) But, I can't accept it. For you see, I'm not a Quadruple-Ph.D. (dramatic pause) I'm only a mere Triple-Ph.D.!

(Everyone gasps. Just at this pivotal moment, the screen is obscured by two pairs of legs.)

Bender (o.s.): Hey, down in front!

(Cut to reveal Leela and Eve standing in front of the TV.)

Leela: See you, guys. We're going home.

Fry: Who's "we're"? (excited) Is it you and me?

Leela: Fry, what the hell is wrong with you?

Fry: What? It was worth a try, right?

Leela: To reiterate: Fry, what the hell is wrong with you?

Fry: Oh…lots of things. (seductively) Maybe we can discuss them over a dinner…

(Beat, as Leela and Bender glare at Fry.)

Fry: What?

Leela: Bender, would you do the honors?

Bender: Certainly. (angrily) Fry, what the hell is wrong with you?! (He slaps Fry in the back of the head)

Fry: Ow! (he rubs the back of his head)

(Eve is slack-jawed at this spectacle. Leela, apparently noticing the awkwardness of it all, bids farewell.)

Leela: Okay, um, we're gonna leave now. C'mon, Eve.

Eve: Um…bye.

(Leela and Eve leave. We cut to outside of the Planet Express Building, where it's dark out. Leela and Eve are walking, when Eve strikes up a bit of a conversation.)

Eve: What was that all about?

Leela: What, Fry? He has sort of a thing for me, I guess.

Eve: Oh…(beat) Well, do you?

Leela: Do I what? …Me and Fry? C'mon! He's just a friend. (beat) A cute friend. (beat) A cute friend with…(seeing what she is doing, Leela stops herself)

Eve: (curiously) "With"?

Leela: (nervously) Um, with…no common sense whatsoever! I mean, c'mon, me and Fry? Give me a break. (she coughs nervously)

(A moment of silence passes between the two of them. Eve breaks it.)

Eve: It must be nice…to have someone care about you like that…

Leela: Yeah…it is.

(Leela gives a weak smile, somewhat surprised by her own answer. They pass the rest of their walk home (a journey which takes about five more seconds) in silence. When they finally make it to the front door of the apartment building, Leela breaks the silence.)

Leela: Well, this is it.

(Cut to the door to apartment 1I. Leela opens the door and she and Eve enter the apartment room.)

Leela: Here it is…Casa de Leela.

Eve: Yeah. (beat) Wait, what?

Leela: Um, never mind. (beat) Make yourself at home. I'll go get you some clean clothes.

(She leads Eve to a couch next to a beside table. Eve sits, and Leela walks off-screen, apparently to her bedroom. Eve turns her head to both sides, checking out her surroundings. Her eye wanders over to the beside table-well, actually, her eye wanders over to the photo of Leela and her family (with Fry in the background, smiling). Eve picks the picture up and looks it over. She smiles, admiring the picture for a moment. She's caught off-guard when Leela walks back in, carrying two different nightgowns (let your minds wander, guys). Eve quickly puts the picture back right before Leela reaches her.)

Leela: Okay, Eve, the choice is yours. Skimpy lingerie (she lifts up one gown) or skimpier lingerie? (She lifts up the other gown)

Eve: Thanks…

(Eve picks the second, skimpier gown.)

Leela: No problem. You can go get changed…my bedroom's over there.

Eve: Oh…okay.

(Eve leaves for the bedroom. Leela sits down on the couch.)

Leela: (she looks at the less-revealing gown she's left with) Nice choice, Eve.

(Cut to Planet Express, the Conference Room, the next day. Everyone is seated around the table (Hermes at the head), with the notable exception of Leela and Eve.)

Hermes: Has anyone seen Leela and da new kid?

(Everyone shakes their heads.)

Hermes: Well, den, without a captain, we can't make today's delivery. So, if everyone would just stare vacantly at de walls for de next eight hours, you would make my job a lot easier.

(As everyone begins to do just that, Leela and Eve rush in. They're wearing the same outfit, and the only thing that distinguishes one from the other is the color of their hair-Leela's purple and Eve's red.)

Leela: Wait, we're here!

(Everyone stops staring at the walls and starts staring at Eve and Leela. The two take their seats-Leela taking hers next to Fry, and Eve taking the chair next to Leela.)

Hermes: Well, I'm glad to hear it…(we see Leela and Eve from Hermes P.O.V.-the two of them are hard to distinguish) Leela. (Hermes nods at Eve) Um, I mean, Leela. (He nods at Leela)

(Cut to Farnsworth.)

Farnsworth: Leela, what did I tell you about being two people at once?

Fry: Yeah, Leela, why are you two wearing the same clothes?

Leela: Well, this is the only outfit I own.

Fry: Oh…

Hermes: What da you mean, "Oh"? That made no sense! It's just a contrived reason for…

(Bender cuts Hermes off by slapping him in the back of the head.)

Hermes: Oww!

Bender: That's for pointing out obvious plot holes!


Amy: Um, I know I'm usually quiet at these things, but isn't there a delivery you guys need to make?

Hermes: What? Oh, right, the delivery. Professor, would you like to take it from here?

Farnsworth: (angrily) Hell, no!

Hermes: Okay, den…

Farnsworth: (calmly) Now, as I was saying…today, you'll be making a delivery to Raviolion 9: a planet composed entirely of dough.

Fry: Yes! I've waited my whole life to visit a planet made of food!

Farnsworth: Who said anything about food?

Fry: You just said…

Farnsworth: I said nothing!

Fry: But…

Farnsworth: I said nothing!

Fry: Yes you did!

Farnsworth: No I didn't!

Fry: Yes you did!

Farnsworth: No I didn't!

(We pull out of this heated argument, until we reach Hermes and Leela. We can still slightly hear Fry and Farnsworth in the background.)

Leela: This could go on for a while. Hermes, what's the mission?

Hermes: Look, just follow dis map and take dis.

(He hands her the map and a can of something.)

Leela: Pasta sauce?

Hermes: Dat's right. They just realized dat a planet made entirely out of dough may have a future in the food industry.

Leela: Oh.

(Cut to the exterior of the Planet Express Ship, soaring through space.)

Fry (o.s.): Yes you did! (beat) Yes you did!

(Cut to the interior of the Planet Express Ship. Bender is at his usual seat, Leela is at the helm (with Eve sitting by her side, watching her steer the ship with admiration), and Fry is at his usual seat, arguing with…no one.)

Fry (cont.): Yes you did!

Leela: Fry, what are you doing?

Fry: What, me? Nothing.

(Fry stops "arguing" and twiddles his thumbs.)


Leela: Okay, guys, we're here.

(Cut to the ship on the planet's surface. It is sinking a bit in the dough.)

(Cut back inside the ship. Fry and Leela are standing by the door.)

Leela: Okay, Fry, deliver this to the front gates all the way over there.

(We pull out through the window, and pan all the way to a golden gate. After the long pan, we cut back to Fry and Leela.)

Fry: Why couldn't we just park right next to the gate?

Leela: Because this is where the big red target that says "Park here" is.

Fry: Oh.

Leela: Now get out there!

(She pushes Fry out the door. He lands in the squishy, doughy surface of the planet. He jumps up and down on the surface, obviously enjoying himself.)

Fry: Tee, hee, hee…it's like jumping on a big pillow!

(Just in the midst of all his joy, Fry starts to sink in the planet's surface.)

Fry: Uh-oh… Bad pillow! Bad!

(Cut back into the ship, where Leela is watching Fry.)

Leela: Oh no. Bender, come here!

Bender: No!

Leela: Come here and I'll give you my…young, vulnerable vacuum cleaner!

(Mercury rises in Benders antenna, it steams, and then it blows up, only to be replaced by a new antenna that pops up from the hole on the top of his head.)

Bender: Aye, Chihuahua!

(Bender walks over to the door, and sees Fry's predicament.)

Leela: Help him!

Bender: With pleasure, Captain.

(Cut back to Fry, who is still sinking. Bender's extendo-arm…thingies reach out of the door and pull Fry out of the dough. We pan with the arms, as Bender pulls them (and Fry) back into the ship.)

Fry: Hooray, I'm alive!

Bender: Hooray, I'm getting a new girlfriend!

(The two hug in exultation. Leela is unmoved.)

Leela: Yeah, yeah…life, sex, it's all good. But what are we gonna do now?

Fry: I've got an idea…

(Cut to the golden gates. We stay on that image. After a moment or two, we see Bender's hands (carrying the can of sauce) come onto the frame from the left. The rest of his arms follow, as they extend all the way to a guard sitting in a booth by the gates.)

(Cut back to the whole gang in the Planet Express ship. Bender is still busy delivering the package, as Fry, Leela, and Eve watch.)

Bender: Hey, how come we don't do this more often?

(Everyone ignores Bender's valid question. Instead, Leela starts a new conversation with Fry, as the curious Eve looks on.)

Leela: I'm impressed, Fry. I didn't even know you were capable of creative thought. Fry: Well, if you want to know more about me, my offer for dinner still stands.

Leela: (patronizing) That's very sweet of you Fry, but you realize that if you don't stop, I'll be forced to kick your ass…right, sweetie?

Fry: (nervously) Aye, aye, Captain!

Leela: Good boy!

(She pats Fry's cheek, then takes her seat at the helm, as Fry takes his seat, too. Eve watches the two of them. As this is happening, Bender has reeled his arms back in, and we notice that he has a nice golden watch on his wrist. He takes his seat, as well, although with a bit of urgency.)

Leela: Thanks for making the delivery, Bender.

Bender: (jumpy) Yeah, yeah, yeah, just get the hell out of here!

(Cut to the outside of the ship as it blasts off from the planet's surface. We stay on the shot of the planet for a moment, and see the alien guard from the gate shaking his fist up in the air.)

(Cut to the exterior of the Planet Express Building, a little later. The sun is setting, and we can see Leela and Eve walking out the door. Leela calls back in the door.)

Leela: Bye, everyone. We're leaving!

Bender (o.s.): Whadda you want…a medal, or a chest to pin it on? (He chuckles)

(Hearing this, Leela's eye narrows. She turns to Eve.)

Leela: Hold on a sec'…

(She walks back into the building. After a beat, we hear a sound resembling that of a tin can being crushed. Leela walks back outside to Eve, rubbing her hands together to show a job well done.)

Leela: (mocking Bender) Whadda ya want a medal or a chest to pin it on? (normally; to Eve) C'mon, let's get out of here.

(The two start walking towards Leela's apartment.)

(Cut to the exterior of Leela's apartment building, a few hours later. We cut inside the apartment building to Leela's apartment room. There, she and Eve are sitting on the couch watching TV. We cut to the TV screen to see that Humorbot 5.0 is on.)

Humorbot 5.0: That is our show for tonight. Join us tomorrow with guests like: TV's the Head of David Schwimmer. "All My Circuits" soap star Monique. And a true American hero: Viagra-Bot. Until then, goodnight, ladies and germs. End television transmission.

(As the audience starts to applaud, we pull out to Leela and Eve. Leela turns off the TV.)

Leela: (yawning) Well, I think I'm gonna call it a night. How 'bout you, Eve?

Eve: Um…I'll be right in.

Leela: Sure. G'night.

Eve: G'night.

(Leela leaves the room. Eve slouches over in the couch. She sighs, then turns to the picture of Leela, her parents, and Fry. She picks it up and stares at it for a moment. Her mind wanders, and we hear that she is recalling her past couple of days with Leela and the rest of the crew. Eve gets madder and madder as each thought progresses.)

Leela: (in Eve's mind) You're coming with me.

Munda: (in Eve's mind) Can do, sweetie.

Fry: (in Eve's mind) Oh…lots of things…maybe we can discuss them over a dinner.

Eve: (in her mind) It must be nice…to have someone care about you like that.

Leela: (in Eve's mind) Yeah…it is.

(That last thought echoes in Eve's mind. With a scowl on her face, Eve gets up from the couch, still holding the picture. She looks into a mirror, conveniently hanging next to the TV. She stares at her reflection for a moment, then back down to the picture. She looks back up to her reflection, and a devious smile forms on her lips. She exits the room, throwing the picture behind her. Cutting to the picture, we can see a crack, separating Leela from the rest of her family.)

(Cut to the exterior of Leela's apartment building, the next morning. We can hear the shower running, and we can also hear Eve's voice.)

Eve (o.s.): (forced) Whoops!

(Cut to Leela, in a robe, sitting at her kitchen table. She is drinking a cup of coffee and reading the paper.)

Leela: (reading) Hmm…according to this well-researched article, air pollution may actually be beneficial to our health…

(Leela turns the page, and we can see the name of the paper: The New New York Post. Leela continues to read. We hear Eve enter the room, but the shot stays on Leela, and Leela's eye stays on the paper.)

Leela: Morning, Eve. What was all that noise about?

Eve: Oh, nothing.

Leela: Well, that's goo…WHAAA!

(Just then, Leela looks up at Eve, and the camera shifts to her. We see that Eve's hair is now dyed purple, and that she is completely identical to Leela (except for the fact that the band holding back her hair is red). Leela is shocked.)

Leela (cont.): Uh…I mean WHAAT…um…happened to your hair?

Eve: (forced) Oh, this? I meant to reach for the shampoo, but I…um…accidentally grabbed this hair dye by mistake.

(Eve holds up a bottle of hair dye labeled "Purple Dye #0118". Leela quickly grabs it.)

Leela: (confused) What are you talking about? I don't know where this came from; I don't die my hair. I'm a natural…purple.

(She throws the bottle to the side, then she looks back up to Eve.)

Leela: Anyway…um…you don't really want purple hair, do you? We can go get you some red hair dye later.

Eve: No…I kind of like it like this.

Leela: Oh.

(Eve sits down at the table. Leela continues to stare at Eve's hair.)

Eve: Could you pass the grapefruit?

(Leela doesn't respond, as her gaze remains on Eve's hair.)

Eve: Leela?

(Leela still stares at Eve's hair, but this time she responds.)

Leela: Oh yeah…here.

(Leela reaches off-screen and materializes a shoe, which she hands to Eve.)

Eve: Um…thanks.


Eve: So…it's Saturday. Got any plans?

(Leela shakes herself out of it, and manages to look Eve in the face as she answers the question.)

Leela: Oh yeah. I was thinking we could go down and visit my parents for a while, then I have to go to this Humane Society meeting.

(Eve gives her a confused look.)

Leela: They require anyone who works with animals to go to them.

(Eve is still confused.)

Leela: Fry.

Eve: Oh.

(Cut to a close-up of Eve.)

Eve: Well that sounds good. I'll go…(her eye wanders to something off-screen) Um…Leela?

(Pull out to reveal that Leela is again staring at Eve's hair.)

Leela: What? (She sees what she's doing) Oh. (She stops staring)

Eve: Um…I'm gonna go brush my teeth.

(Eve gets up, a bit annoyed. Leela watches her ponytail exit the frame. When Leela is alone, she shudders.)

(Cut to the exterior of the Turanga household. Leela and Eve walk up to the door and knock. Munda answers the door. We see the two from Munda's P.O.V…or rather, the one. Leela is standing in front of Eve, hiding her from Munda's view.)

Munda: Oh, hi sweetie! What a pleasant surprise! (calling off-screen) Morris, come here and see your daughter…(Eve comes forward, confusing Munda)…and your other daughter.

Morris (o.s.): What?

(Morris walks up to Munda's side and sees the two "twins". He smiles knowingly.)

Morris: Oh, I'm having that dream again! That means that the naked wom…(Munda glares at Morris) …Munda should be here soon.

Leela: Yeah… Um…Mom, Dad…this is Eve. There was a little…shampoo incident.

Munda: Well…okay. Both of you, come on in!

(Leela and Eve head inside, leaving Morris and Munda at the doorway.)

Munda: Now, about this dream, Morris…

Morris: Oh boy…

(Cut to the living room. Some time has passed, and we catch the end of a story.)

Morris: …so I told the guy, "That's no monkey, that's my mother!" It was the nicest compliment she ever got…

Munda: Morris, if you ever tell that story again, I want a divorce.

Leela: Mom!

Munda: Oh, Honey, I'm only kidding! Anyway, Eve, tell us…how's the surface?

Eve: (overly enthusiastic) Oh, it's great! Leela got me a job at her work, and yesterday I went on a delivery with her. I watched everything she does…how she pilots the ship and how she makes the deliveries and how Fry hits on her…

(Leela, embarrassed, cuts Eve off.)

Leela: (nervously) Um…how Fry hits on my friend, Amy! Right, Eve?

Eve: (annoyed, Eve narrows her eye at Leela) Right. (cheerfully) So, now I know how to do everything Leela does. I can pilot the ship and make deliveries and everything. In fact, I'm so much like her that you could even call me Leela! (She laughs) But don't!

(Leela joins her half-heartedly.)

Leela: (fake laughing) She said you could call her Leela! Ha, ha, ha…but don't!

(The two continue to laugh for a few seconds. Eventually, they wind it down.)

Leela: (wiping away a pretend tear; forced) Oh, that was a good one, Eve!

Morris: It sure was. So, Eve…

Eve: Call me Leela.

(The real Leela hides her face in her hands in exasperation and sighs.)

(Cut to Leela and Eve walking back to Leela's apartment.)

Eve: That sure was fun, wasn't it Leela. (Beat) Leela?

Leela: (upset) Oh, are you talking to me? I thought you were talking to yourself, Leela.

Eve: What? You're upset about that? I was only kidding.

Leela: (still upset) I know…I know…

(By this time, Leela and Eve have made it to the door to apartment 1I. Leela unlocks the door and lets Eve in.)

Leela: Look…I have to go to my meeting. I'll be back in a few hours. See ya.

(Leela walks away, and Eve closes the apartment door behind her.)

Eve: (fiendishly) It's show time…

(She walks off-screen.)

(Cut to Fry and Bender's apartment. Fry is sitting on the couch, watching Bender. Bender is wearing a stuffed red lace bra, and is strutting back and forth as if he is walking up and down a runway, for Fry. Suddenly, the phone rings, and Fry and Bender just stare at each other nervously for a moment.)

Bender: Let us never speak of this again.

Fry: Gotcha.

(The phone continues to ring, and Fry finally picks it up.)

Fry: Hello?

(Cut to Eve.)

Eve: (attempting to imitate Leela) Hi, Fry.

(Cut to Fry, who is confused by this Eve/Leela voice hybrid.)

Fry: Um…who is this?

(Cut to Eve.)

Eve: Oh, I think you know who it is.

(Cut to Fry.)

Fry: Lassie?

(Cut to Eve, who rolls her eye at Fry's stupidity.)

Eve: (agitated) Fry, what the hell is wrong with you?

(Cut to Fry.)

Fry: Oh, hi Leela. (realizing something) Say, do you have a cold or something? I mean, you sound sort of…different.

(Cut to Eve.)

Eve: (nervously) A cold? Um…sure, let's go with that.

(Cut to Fry.)

Fry: Okay. Um…Leela, why are you calling me?

(Cut to Eve, who is caught a bit off guard by this question.)

Eve: Why? Isn't calling you something I normally do?

(Cut to Fry.)

Fry: No.

(Cut to Eve, as a look of realization comes over her face.)

Eve: Well, why wouldn't I call you? (seductively) I mean, especially since you're my boyfriend.

(Cut to Fry, who is in a state of total shock.)

Fry: Your…your…boyfriend?…

(Cut to Eve.)

Eve: Well, sure. We've known each other for, what, four years? Wasn't it obvious?

(Cut to Fry. We stay on this shot, but hear another voice on the phone.)

Bender: (on the phone) Yeah, like anything's obvious to Fry!

Fry: Bender! Get off the phone!

Bender: (on the phone; dejected) Aw…all right.

(We hear a click on the other end of the line.)

Fry: Leela? Are you still there?

(Cut to Eve.)

Eve: Uh-huh.

(Cut to Fry.)

Fry: Great! So, um, do you wanna get together later. I mean, with your new…BF? (He giggles)

(Again, we hear Bender's voice.)

Bender: (on the phone) Fry, that wasn't cool in the 21st century, and it isn't cool in the 31st century!

Fry: What? Bender, would you get off the phone!

(We pull out to reveal that Bender is standing next to Fry.)

Bender: I'm not on the phone.

Fry: But…but I just…(sigh) whatever.

(Bender turns away from Fry and laughs to himself as he pulls out a phone from his chest compartment.)

Bender: Tee hee hee…

Fry: Gimme that!

Bender: Aw…

(Bender hands the phone to Fry, then walks off-screen dejectedly. Fry turns back to the phone.)

Fry: Leela? I'm so sorry about that. Anyway, do you still want to maybe get a bite to eat or something?

(Cut to Eve, who has a fiendish grin across her face.)

Eve: Actually, why don't you come over to my place for a…romantic dinner?

(Cut to Fry, who has an eager smile on his face.)

Fry: Sure! I'll be right over! Bye.

(Cut to Eve.)

Eve: (seductively) I'll be waiting…

(She hangs up, then laughs evilly. We cut to Fry, who hangs up as well.)

Bender (o.s.): A romantic dinner? Sounds too good to be true, Meatbag…

(Pan over to see Bender sitting next to Fry on the couch. He is talking into a phone that he has up to his metaphorical ear.)

Fry: Um…Bender…I just hung up.

(Bender looks up at Fry, somewhat sheepishly.)

Bender: Um…I knew that.

(He coughs nervously, as Fry stares at him with a tad bit of concern.)

(Cut to the door to Apartment 1I. Fry is standing there, holding a bouquet of flowers. He knocks on the door.)

Fry: Leela?

("Leela" (by which I mean Eve) opens the door to be greeted by a smiling Fry. Fry, however, is greeted by a demonic-looking Eve, holding a ray gun. Fry stares at the gun, nervously.)

Fry: (nervously) Y-you're not Leela…

Eve: (waving the gun; angrily) Get in the bed and shut up!

Fry: You're definitely not Leela.

(Cut to Leela's bedroom. Fry is tied onto the bed-his hands are tied to the posts of the headboard, and his feet are tied to the posts at the foot of the bed. Eve is sitting in a chair beside the bed, wrapping up what was undoubtedly a long-winded explanation.)

Eve: …and so that's how I know I'll get away with it!

Fry: You're insane!

Eve: I'm not insane…I'm just a bit fatuous.

Fry: (angrily) That's the same thing and you know it!

Eve: Whatever. The point is, you're not getting outta this room and that's that.

Fry: But…but…

Eve: Upp, upp, upp…no buts.

Fry: (chuckling) Hee, hee, hee…butts…

(Fry stops laughing abruptly, and a troubled look comes over him.)

Fry: (whiny tone) I have to pee…

Eve: Well, you should have thought about having to pee before you asked me for all that coffee to drink!

(Cut to an extreme close-up of Fry's face.)

Fry: It calms my nerves!

(Pull out to reveal the rest of Fry's body shaking wildly.)

Eve: That still doesn't explain why you had to have all that hot chocolate!

Fry: (sheepishly) It reminds me of coffee…

Eve: (grunts angrily) You're not leaving this room! Understand?

Fry: No.

Eve: Well, too bad, tinkle boy!

Fry: (hurt) That wasn't very nice. (Beat; then, slyly) And besides, I'm gonna go whether you like it or not.

(Fry grins, and Eve's eye widens in a sort of quiet disgust. She gets up out of her chair and unties Fry. He gets up and Eve holds her gun up to his back. She begins to walk him to the bathroom.)

Eve: I'm not taking my eye off you.

Fry: But what about when I'm in the bathroom?

Eve: Well, I guess you're on your own there. But don't try anything funny!

(The two of them reach the bathroom door. Fry turns the doorknob.)

Fry: (slyly) Oh…I won't.

(Extreme close-up of Fry's head.)

Fry: (slyly; under his breath) Little does she know that I'm not really going to the bathroom, but that I'm instead making a bold escape attempt!

(Pull out to reveal that Fry has yet to actually open the bathroom door. He still has his hand on the knob, and Eve is still standing behind him, gun up to his back.)

Eve: Um, Fry? I'm still here…

(Fry's face goes pale and he turns his head slowly to Eve.)

Fry: (nervously) Oh…

(Eve narrows her eye at Fry, with incredible hostility.)

Fry: (nervously) Hi…

(Cut to the front room of Leela's apartment (you know…the room with the TV and couch and stuff). Eve is sitting on the couch drinking a beer, and Fry is in the corner of the room, tied to a chair with his mouth taped shut. There is a sort of makeshift pendulum (think "The Pit and the Pendulum") swinging a few feet above his head. Fry is trying to remove the tape from his mouth by biting through it.)

Eve: (taking a swig from the beer) Ah…nothing better than a nice cold one after bounding and gagging some moron.

(Fry continues to chew through the tape, muttering something that no sane human being would be able to understand, in the process.)

Eve: Of course you're a moron!

(Fry manages to free his mouth from the tape. He looks self-satisfied as he turns his head towards Eve.)

Fry: Oh yeah? Well, could a moron eat his way through three layers of duct tape?

Eve: Um…you did realize that eating tape would make you sick, right?

Fry: No I didn't. (His face turns pale) Excuse me.

(Fry turns his head behind the back of the chair. We quickly cut to the front door of the apartment room (from Eve's side), and hear a key being turned. We cut back to Eve, who is now very alert. She picks up her gun and claps her hands, turning off the lights in the apartment.)

Fry: Where'd everyone go?

(Cut to the hallway outside Leela's door. She turns the doorknob and opens the door. She is greeted to a pitch black apartment.)

Leela: Hello? Eve?

(She turns the light on, and we see the next shot from her P.O.V. It is Eve, holding a gun and staring at Leela through a half-opened eye. Her figure is preventing Leela from seeing Fry. After a beat of this shot, we cut back to a somewhat frightened Leela.)

Leela: Bye, Eve.

(She turns to leave. Eve stops her.)

Eve: Wait. Before you go, I think you should see something.

(Eve moves out of the way of Fry, and, for the first time, Leela sees her best friend tied to a chair, a sort of queasy look on his face. Her heart drops.)

Leela: (weakly) Fry?

Fry: (as cheerfully as he can manage) Hi.

Eve: (evilly) Now, as you can see, I've tied up your…toaster. His life is in my hands. All I have to do is pull this lever…

(She points to a wooden lever on the wall.)

Leela: I've never noticed that before...

Eve (cont.): And you've got yourself a big ol' helping of Fry coleslaw.

Fry: Mmm…Fry coleslaw…

Leela: Fry, what the hell is wrong with you? Er…I mean, Eve what the hell is wrong with you?!

(This question throws Eve into a frenzy, for some reason.)

Eve: (enraged) What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? The question is what's wrong with you!

Leela: What?

Eve: (angrily) Look at yourself! You get to have parents, and a great job, and friends…and-and…a boyfriend…

Leela/Fry: (shocked/eager) Boyfriend?

Eve (cont.): And you take it all for granted! I'd give anything to have your life! (she laughs) But now I can!

Leela: What are you talking about?

Eve: Look at us--we could be twins! (slyly) It'd be mighty easy for me to become the new Leela, dontcha think?

Leela: You can't be serious.

Eve: Oh, but I am! And I can become the new Leela. That is, once you're out of the picture…

Leela: (shakily) Wh-what do you mean?

Eve: Isn't it obvious? Me, you, and a gun.

Fry: And Fry!

Leela: (nervously) M-me, you, and a gun?

Fry: And Fry!

(Leela realizes something.)

Leela: Yeah…why did you have to drag Fry into this?

Eve: What, you didn't think I'd give you a choice? What do you think I am, crazy?

Leela: Yes.

Eve: (ignoring her) You get a chance to decide what happens next, Leela.

Leela: What?

Eve: You can let me kill you now and take over your life with no one the wiser. Or, you can live, let your best friend be killed, then suffer for the rest of your life. Either, way, someone's gonna die tonight.

(Just then, we hear a familiar voice from off-screen.)

Zoidberg (o.s.): Hello, friends!

(We pan over to reveal Zoidberg standing behind Leela, by the door.)

Fry: Ooo! Kill him! Kill him!

Leela: Dr. Zoidberg? What are you doing here?

Zoidberg: I always come to the Hot House of Mackerel and Exotic Dancing on Saturday nights.

Leela: Um…this is my apartment.

Zoidberg: What? (he pulls out a map, with "Captain Sippy's Treasure Hunt" written on the back of it) But I followed the directions on the back of this place mat…um…I mean, fancy map exactly.

Eve: What the hell is going on here?

Leela: Oh man…oh man…

(She thinks over her predicament for a moment, then, her face brightens.)

Eve: That's it…(she holds up the gun and points it right at Leela)

Leela: Wait! Zoidberg, I never thought I'd say this, but take your shirt off and get over here!

(He tears his shirt off, then Leela motions for him to stand right in front of her, and he does. Leela calls over Zoidy's shoulder to Fry.)

Leela: Fry, duck!

(Right after Leela says those words, we see Eve's finger pull the trigger on the gun. Zoidberg tightens his abdomen, and Leela ducks behind him. The beam that comes out of the gun ricochets off of Zoidberg's tough shell. We then follow it as it comes back at Eve, who ducks out of its path. The ray then zooms over the head of the ducking Fry, and hits the wall directly behind him. The wall crumbles loudly and a hole is left where the beam hit. After a beat, everyone opens their eyes and sees what has happened. Eve is infuriated.)

Eve: Okay, no more fun and games, this time, I'm…

(A voice from off-screen interrupts Eve. It is that of our favorite robotic cop, URL.)

URL: Hold up, baby. What's goin' on here?

(Pull out to reveal URL and the human cop standing at the door. They turn to Leela.)

URL: We heard gunshots.

Human Cop: Usually we just ignore 'em, but this place is right across the street from that strip joint. So we figured we'd check this out on our way over there.

URL: What seems to be the problem?

Leela: Well, officers, this woman here almost killed my friend and me with that illegal ray gun.

URL: Is that true, baby?

Eve: Well…well…

URL: I've heard enough. Cuff her.

(The human cop slaps a pair of handcuffs on Eve.)

Human Cop: You're under arrest for possession of an illegal assault weapon.

Leela: Ahem…

Human Cop: Oh, and for trying to kill that cyclops lady.

(Leela looks at the cop scornfully.)

URL: When are you gonna learn, baby? Love makes the world go 'round…not illegally possessed weapons.

Human Cop: I think you mean "hate".

URL: Look, I talk in the sexy voice, you put the handcuffs on people, okay?

Human Cop: Whatever…(to Eve) You're comin' downtown, lady. (realizing) Well, actually, we're already downtown. You're just coming over a few blocks. Okay?

Eve: But I didn't…

URL: Upp, upp, upp…case closed, baby. C'mon.

(The two of them drag Eve off. When they're gone, the three crewmembers sigh collectively.)


(Eve is standing in front of gray screen, wearing the usual striped prison garb. She faces the camera, but sheepishly avoids direct eye contact with the audience as a sort of creepy narrator guy…uh…narrates.)

Narrator (v.o.): Eve was arrested and her case went to trial shortly thereafter. She was convicted five minutes later when the honorable Judge Whitey decided that having one eye qualified Eve as being "evil". Eve avoided a lengthy prison sentence by offering to polish the Judge's collection of golden gavels, which she continues to do to this day.

(Cut to URL and the Human Cop in front of the same gray screen. They are facing the camera as well, but the two sheepishly avoid eye contact with both the audience and one another.)

Narrator (v.o.): Their jobs done, the two officers spent the rest of the evening at The Hot House of Mackerel and Exotic Dancing, where URL confused his partner for one sexy European PamAn-Bot. The rest of that evening is something the two would like to forget.

(Cut to Leela and Fry in front of the gray screen. Again, they avoid eye contact with the audience and each other as they face the camera.)

Narrator (v.o.): After the ordeal of almost being killed, Fry and Leela were both very tired. Fry offered Leela, quote, "A nice warm bed to sleep in", so long as she didn't mind his snoring. Leela answered Fry by, quote, "Kicking his ass".

(Cut to Zoidberg in front of the gray screen. He looks dejected, and we see that he has a bandage wrapped around a great deal of his lower body and neck.)

Narrator (v.o.): After he heroically saved Fry and Leela, Dr. Zoidberg's co-workers promised to spend more time with the crustacean. By Monday morning, they were ready to kill him.

Zoidberg: They slit my thorax, they did!

Narrator (v.o.): (agitated) Oh, would you shut up!

(A shoe zips in from off-screen and whacks Zoidberg in the head, knocking him out cold.)

Narrator (v.o.): That's it, I'm outta here…