Season A - Episode 3: The Lobsters and the Robuts
Note - title is not a typo ;-)
By Alex 'MKTai' Fuller
Planet Express Ship, somewhere in Space
"Lunch is served," said Bender as he put down various plates of what can only be described as gloop in front of Fry, Leela and Zoidberg.
"Um, what is it?" asked Fry.
"Birka Végbélnyílás. It's a traditional Urectum delicacy."
"Pah, this is oyster food," said Zoidberg.
"What? This is a traditional dish that dates back 300 years. Eat it you stupid lobster."
"Stupid? At least I hate taste bud robut!"
"Grr, you're lucky I didn't bring my lobster pot."
"I could turn you into scrap with both claws tied behind my back!" Bender made a start towards Zoidberg.
"Whoa, calm down," said Leela. She pointed out the window to a planet they were passing. "Why don't we go and eat down there for a change?"
"Because," said Bender.
"Look, Zoidberg can go and eat what he wants and Bender can demonstrate his, erm, culinary talents to the locals."
"Alright, but only because the locals need me to show them how to make a half-decent meal."
The planet Leela had pointed to was an orangey-desert planet, much like Mars. The sky was a mixture of orange and darker orange clouds and a bright orange sun was directly above them. The Planet Express ship itself landed in a ruined city. The grey buildings had been destroyed, scorched, fallen over and generally made into a disaster zone.
"What happened here then?" asked Fry.
"I don't know but it certainly looks bad, there isn't even anything loot-able here!" replied Bender.
"Ugh..." came a voice from within a pile of rubble.
"Agh! A ghost!" said Fry, tripping over a stone as he backed away. Leela, realising where the voice had actually come from, starting digging in the pile of rubble.
"Zoidberg, help me move this stuff."
"Hurray, I'm useful!"
After some minutes of digging, Leela and Zoidberg uncovered the remains of a humanoid-shaped robot. It was missing a leg and an arm and had a big metal pole sticking through it. It was covered in dust but appeared to be some form of military robot judging by its markings.
"It's a robut," pointed out Zoidberg.
"Well done Einstein," said Bender, who had come over after finishing the game of cards he had been playing with Fry.
"It...was...the...lobsters...ugh," said the robot. It deactivated a second later.
"Damn you lobsters," Bender said to Zoidberg. "First you insult our cooking, now you murder us. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't -"
"Bring it on robut."
Bender started towards Zoidberg again but Fry and Leela held him back.
"Grr..." said Bender.
Two people appeared in the shadows behind them.
"You there! What are you doing?" called a voice.
"We came for food, you know of any fast food restaurants around here?" replied Fry.
"We doubt you'd find an open restaurant around here."
The two 'people' moved so they were in the light and revealed themselves to be Decapodians. They were wearing military style uniforms.
"Why are there Decapodians here?" asked Leela.
"We don't need to answer that," said the one on the left. "But come and see our leader and he'll explain. But the robot must stay here."
"What? That's unfair discrimination."
"Look robot, you're lucky we haven't destroyed you," said the Decapodian.
"We'll see you later Bender," said Fry as they went with the Decapodians.
"Hmpf," said Bender as he went to check if anything loot-able had actually survived in the city.
The Decapodian Fortress
The fortress was, like all Decapodian structures, made of sand. The fortress resembled a castle from the Medieval period on Earth and was, like the rest of the planet, an orangey colour. Fry and Leela followed the Decapodians into the main entrance were many Decapodians were going about their business.
"If you would follow us, we will take you to our interplanetary-relations minister," said one of them.
"Why are there robots and Decopodians here?" asked Leela. As they went through a series of passages.
"Funny story, well not really when you think about it, but we both arrived within 3 days of each other to harvest some of the natural resources. Anyway, this is the minister's office," he said, showing them inside. Inside was a Decapodian sitting at a desk with pile of paper on it. He got up to greet Fry, Leela and Zoidberg.
"Welcome to Zielebach," he said. "I am Minister Gempen."
"Hi," said Fry.
"So what's going on here?" asked Leela.
"There is time to talk about that later, but first I must invite you to dine with us to celebrate the feast of Ziblach."
"Excellent, excellent," said Zoidberg. "Now we can finally sample some good food."
Minister Gempen took them to a large hall where several tables lined up the hall with another table perpendicular to them at the end. This was the table he beckoned them to.
"As our guests, you are permitted to eat at the head table with us," he said.
Fry, Leela and Zoidberg all sat down in. Covered dishes littered the table at regular intervals with a plate at each chair. Other Decapodians entered the hall and took places at various tables. They were all wearing military uniforms similar to the ones they had encountered earlier. When all the seats were filled, one of the Decapodians at the head table stood up and called for the attention of everyone.
"My friends," he said. "It has been a long five years since the robots embarked on their campaign to remove us and our ideals and traditions from this planet. But we have remained strong and the tide of this war is now turning. Enjoy your feasts for we will soon be victorious! Death to robots!"
"Death to robots!" chorused the crowd. They began to eat.
"So how long have your people actually been here?" Leela asked Minister Gempen.
"Seven years," he replied.
"Yes, what's wrong with that? Anyway, what are you waiting for, let's eat."
Leela lifted the cover of the nearest dish and immediately put it back down again.
"Ugh, first we have to deal with Bender's cooking and now this stuff," she moaned. Fry put something which resembled meat on his plate. "Oh well, better than nothing," he said. "What is this by the way?"
"Rotting walrus testes," replied Zoidberg who had already scoffed down the food on his plate, as well as the plate. Fry puked.
"Actually, it wasn't that bad," he said after a few seconds.
"So how do you think Bender's doing?" asked Leela. "That speech didn't sound too comforting."
"I'm sure he's fine," replied an unconcerned Fry. "It's Bender, he loves scenes of destruction with little security."
The Ruined City
Two explosions hit the wall which Bender had run past just a few seconds beforehand.
"Stop shooting! I come in peace!" called Bender.
"Then why were you stealing the jewellery from that ruined house?" called back a voice.
"It's not like the owner was going to miss it," said Bender as a laser shot past his head.
"Psst, over here," came a voice from somewhere.
"Over where?" said Bender.
"The sewer entrance," came the reply.
"Hmm, death or a sewer? Tough call." Bender dived into the nearest manhole. A robot came from behind a pile of rubble where a tunnel had been dug into the sewers.
"Dumbass," it said. "Oh well, I probably should have been more specific."
It climbed down the hole Bender had dived into.
"Ow, my head," said a crumpled up Bender.
"You an idiot or something?" asked the robot. It was similar to the one Bender has seen deactivate earlier, only without the missing parts or the pipe stuck through it.
"Shut up," replied Bender. "Who are you anyway?"
"I am InfantryBot 536. What is a bending robot doing here?"
"I came here because Dr. Zoidberg has no taste in food."
"Zoidberg? That sounds like a Decapodians name..."
"Yeah, it's just he and I -"
"Freeze! You're under arrest!" He pointed a large gun at Bender.
"No, wait! I...ah crap."
The Decapodian Fortress
"I always knew the robuts were not to be trusted," said a triumphant Zoidberg after their conversation with Minister Gempen.
"What?" said Leela. "It's the fault of your species too you know."
"If the robuts hadn't tried colonising this planet this wouldn't have happened."
"If you hadn't tried colonising this planet this wouldn't have happened."
"Pah, this must be those pregnancy hormones kicking in"
"Wha?" said Fry as he fainted. When he woke up again a few minutes later Leela and Zoidberg were arguing.
"What makes you think I'm pregnant?" shouted Leela.
"What? So that increase in waist size isn't caused by pregnancy?" said a confused Zoidberg.
"Uh oh," said Zoidberg and he warbled away from Leela down the passage.
"So you're not pregnant?" checked Fry, still lying on the floor. Leela knelt down next to him and helped him up.
"No honey, I know we haven't been going out long enough to think about kids." She kissed him.
"I've had enough of this place," said Leela. "Let's go back to the ship and wait for Bender and Zoidberg there."
"Huh? Usually you always want to interfere," said Fry.
"And while we do that we can figure out a way to end this stupid war."
Planet Express Ship
After some minutes of plan forming Leela was annoyed. How were you supposed to make peace between two factions who wouldn't be satisfied unless the entire planet was theirs? Fry, naturally, was more of a hindrance than a help and, naturally, his suggestions were stupid and made no sense.
"What if we invited them to a friendly blernsball game?" was his sixth suggestion.
"You tell me how to get them within 500 metres of each other and then -" began Leela. Three loud knocks alerted Fry and Leela to the presence of someone outside the ship. They went outside where they found Bender waiting with five other robots almost exactly like InfantryBot 536.
"Bender!" called Fry.
"This ship is no under our possession," said one of the InfrantryBots and they proceeded to enter the ship.
"What? Bender, what's going on?" asked Leela.
"Oh, I said they could borrow the ship for a mission to help them defeat the Decapodians."
"So they would believe my story that I'm not a Decapodian sympathiser." He lit a cigar and took a puff.
"But what are we going to do?"
Oh yeah, I told them you were my servant and were spying on the Decapodians for me. So you might want to have something ready to tell the leaders just in case."
"Bender, we can't -" started Leela but Fry interrupted.
"Is there food there?"
"Yeah, but nothing your stupid taste buds would appreciate."
The conversation ended there as the InfantryBots returned.
"You are right Comrade Bender, this would be perfect for the bomb," one of them said,
"The bomb?" said Leela.
"Uh, about that..."
The InfantryBots left and returned a bit later carrying a large crate.
"We'll go and put this in the cargo bay." They carried the crate into the ship.
"What are they putting in my ship?" Leela demanded.
"Well the plan is that we'll fly the ship into the heart of the Decapodian territory and detonate the bomb thus destroying that half of the planet," said Bender.
"Neat, won't that kill us though?" said Fry.
"Sure, but at least there'll be no more Decapodians here," replied Bender.
"Meh," answered Fry as the robots returned.
"Good luck with your mission Comrade Bender," one said as they left the ship and went into the distance. A minute or so of silence followed.
"There is absolutely no way I am -" began Leela before she was interrupted again by some knocks.
"Now who is it?"
This time when Fry and Leela went outside they found Zoidberg standing with some Decapodian soldiers who were carrying a crate.
"What do you want?" asked Leela, annoyed. One of the soldiers whispered to Zoidberg.
"Apparently we want you to deliver this peace offering to the robuts," said Zoidberg. He turned to the Decapodian who had whispered to him. "Wait, you said we were going to destroy them."
"Just say what I told you to, idiot," he hissed back.
"Oh, yes, apparently we've realised how this war was or something like that."
"We'll just go and put this in the cargo hold," said the soldier. The other soldiers followed him into the ship while carrying the crate.
"That's a bomb isn't it?" said Leela to Zoidberg.
"I've had enough of this place, let's go," said Leela. She, Fry and Zoidberg went into the ship as the Decapodians left. They went to the cockpit where Bender was waiting.
"Robut!" said Zoidberg angrily.
"Oh be quiet you two," said Leela. "Let's go home already."
As the ship took off Fry remembered something.
"Um, what about those bombs in the cargo bay?"
"Oh yeah, they can deal with them themselves..." Leela pressed a button and the floor of the cargo bay opened up and released the two crates that had been placed there. The ship flew off, leaving the crates to fall back to the surface. A few moments later two huge explosions put an end to the war and prevented any more taking place on that particular planet.
Author's Notes - I should start putting more effort into the names of these really :-P. Sorry it's about a month behind schedule but I've had stuff to do. I'm not saying when Episode 4 will be out but I'm hoping for some time before late-March. Hope you're enjoying them so far.