The Scourge of Zapp Brannigan, Part 3
By Dwayne Anderson
Finally, Fry and the others awoke from unconciousness.
"What just happened in here?" asked Fry. "Where's Leela?"
"And where's Alex?" asked Amy.
"Alex is missing too?" asked Fry.
"What happened?" asked Amy.
"Hey don't worry about it," said Bender. "Remember, I was videotaping
the pageant. In fact, the camera in me was still running when we lost conciousness."
Bender opened his mouth and took out the tape.
"What are you waiting for?" asked Fry. "Play it!"
"Bring me a beer first!"
"You already drank an entire case!" said Fry.
"I said `Bring me a beer'!" said Bender.
Within a minute, Fry returned from the kitchen with a beer, which Bender guzzled
down. Then he put the tape into the VCR.
He rewound the tape to when he had first lost conciousness with everyone else.
What everyone saw shocked them.
On the screen, they saw Zapp Brannigan take Alex. Bender fast-forwarded the
tape until he saw Zapp take Leela.
"Oh no!" said Fry. "Zapp's got Leela and Alex! We've got to
go to the Nimbus and save them! Bender, you come with me!"
"Can I come too?" asked Amy.
"What for?" asked Fry.
"So I can see Kif!"
"If you're so in love with him, get a room!"
A little later, they arrived on board the Nimbus.
"Kif, have you seen Zapp?" asked Amy.
"Yes, recently," said Kif. "He went into his room of love, took
a mysterious portrait and left in the same ship he arrived in. He said his was
going to Carpathia."
"Carpathia?" asked Fry. "That's where he killed Zigo the Carpathian!"
"Exactly!" said Kif.
"Then let's go!" said Fry. "It's time for us to go where no
man other than Zapp Brannigan has gone! But we're going to need your help Kif."
"I know the way to Carpathia," said Kif. "I'll drive."
"Now let's go!" said Fry. He ran off down the hall.
"Fry!" called Amy. "The docking bay is the other way!"
"I know!" said Fry. "It's just that I need to visit the bathroom
first! I knew we shouldn't have eaten all that pizza in one sitting!"
Meanwhile, on the faraway planet of Carpathia, in the palace formerly ruled
by Zigo, Leela awoke from unconciousness to find herself on the floor. Lying on
a stone alter, was Alex. This appeared to be some kind of throne room. Red curtains
covered the large glass windows. Stone pillars stood to the sides. In the center
of the room, a red carpet decorated the floor. Standing before the throne, was
Leela could tell that she was on the highest level of the palace.
"Ah, you finally awoke," said a voice. It was obviously Zapp Brannigan.
"Where am I?" she asked. "And why is Alex here?"
"Is that his name? He has been chosen to be the vessel of the great Zigo!"
Leela turned to face Zigo's portrait.
"That's Zigo?!" she asked. "That's impossible! You killed him!"
The portrait suddenly changed to Zigo's head. "I think not!" he said.
Leela was so shocked, she fainted.
"I Zigo, the Scourge of planet Carpathia, the Sorrow of its moon Moldavia,
will soon return to reclaim what is his! In fifteen minutes, my life begins. Then
woe to the weak, all power to me! First Carpathia and Moldavia, next the Earth,
finally, the entire universe!"
Zigo's portrait returned to normal. "Phillip J. Fry will not stop me!
I will soon rule again!"
Meanwhile, at that very moment, Kif was piloting the Planet Express ship to
Carpathia. Up ahead, he saw it.
Carpathia was a planet with a dark grey surface. Hovering nearby, was Moldavia,
its single moon.
"There it is!" he said. "We're coming Leela!"
A little later, he landed the ship onto the ground, just outside a small village.
Kif, Amy, Bender, and Fry stepped outside. The night sky was filled with many
stars. Moldavia shone in the distance. Not very far away, was a large monolithic
"Bender, use that good vision of yours and tell us," said Amy. "How
far are we away from Zigo's palace?"
Bender stepped in front of his friends and looked into the distance where Zigo's
palace was. He turned to face the others.
"Far!" he said.
"Far?" asked Fry.
"Bender, maybe you should consider getting to bed a little earlier tonight,"
said Amy. "Maybe you'll get a visit from the IQ fairy!"
"Ok then," said Kif, "we are about five hundred yards...far,
from the palace. Now let's go!"
Later, back in the throne room of Zigo's castle, Leela awoke.
"Funny, I thought I saw that portrait come to life," she said.
"You did," said Zapp. "Now, it is time for me to claim the reward
my master promised."
"What the hell are you talking about?!" asked Leela.
"Marry me, Leela!" said Zapp. "Together, we'll raise Zigo as
our son! Think about it, you, the mother to a god!"
"Marry you?! I'd rather nail my tongue to the table every morning at breakfast!
And another thing, I'm not Alex's mother, I'm only babysitting him!"
Zapp looked at his watch. "Three minutes to go, then party time!"
Suddenly, the door burst open. In came Fry, Kif, Amy, and Bender.
"Not so fast captain!" said Kif.
"Kif?! What the hell are you and those people doing here?!"
"Happy New Year!" said Fry.
"You're a little early for that," said Zapp. "Do you all even
know who this is? He's Zigo! You are like the buzzing of flies to him!"
"Would you please zap him please?" asked Fry.
Kif and Fry set their laser guns from "Kill" to "Stun".
Then they pointed them at Zapp.
"You even think about it or do it, and I'll have you court-martialed Kif!"
"What for?" asked Kif.
"For Treason!" said Zapp. "Imagine, killing the captain! Now
wouldn't that have an impact on your career!"
"It's for your own good captain," said Kif. "And other thing,
these are set on `Stun'."
"Zap him!" said Fry. And they zapped Zapp (trying saying that three
times fast) with their guns. He toppled forth.
"Is he dead?" asked Leela.
"Uh uh," said Kif. "Just unconscious."
"Well that was easy," said Fry.
"Yeah," said Bender, "a little too easy!"
"Hey look!" said Fry. "It's Zigo!"
They all looked towards Zigo's portrait.
"Yeah!" said Bender. "A little too Zigo's portrait!"
Suddenly, the lighted torches between the pillars began to burn even brighter.
The windows flew open. Lightning began to flash. The door behind them locked itself.
Amy took Alex off the alter.
No one seemed to notice that Zigo had faded out of the portrait.
"This is very bad!" said Kif. "What's happening?"
Fry could tell that something awful was about to happen.
"Amy, hide Alex!" said Leela.
Amy ran to one of the curtains and placed Alex down. Then she covered him with
"Be quiet now," she said.
"Oh no!" said Fry. "Zigo's gone!"
Kif, Amy, Bender, and Leela saw that he was right.
Suddenly, they all heard a thundering voice as the clouds began to gather outside.
More lightning flashed.
"Puny mortals, Zigo the Carpathian, the Scourge of Carpathia, the Sorrow
of Moldavia, has returned. Death was nothing but a doorway, but time is now a
window! I'm back!"
Several feet away from the portrait, and several feet away from the four friends,
"Uh oh," said Kif.
It was Zigo.
Zigo walked forth, a ghostly image of himself following him.
Fry held up his laser gun. "Hold it right there dead-head!"
Zigo turned to face him.
"You want a baby? Go ahead and knock up a witch! Otherwise you got to
the count of three to get back into that painting where you belong! One!"
Kif drew his laser gun. "Two!"
Bender took out a piece of paper and a pencil. Then he drew a picture of a
"Three!" said Fry. And they blasted Zigo. However, he didn't seem
to be affected by them.
With a wicked smile, Zigo blasted Fry, Bender, Amy, and Kif. Leela had leaped
out of the way with a backflip.
"Hey what's going on?!" asked Bender. "I feel like my joints
"Oops," said Kif, "our guns were still set to `Stun'."
"Darn it!" said Fry.
"Amy, can you move?" asked Kif.
"No," said Amy. "Are you OK?"
"No," said Kif. "Fry, how are you?"
"I'm fine," Fry lied.
"I got him!" said Leela. She ran at Zigo. "You know what they
say? The bigger they are!"
The jumped and kicked at Zigo. Unfortunately, she passed right through him
almost as if he was a ghost (because he was one), and ended up kicking a pillar.
She collapsed to the ground in pain.
Fry, Bender, Kif, and Amy groaned.
"The more bones they break!" said Bender.
Zigo walked over to the curtain where Amy had his Alex and outstretched his
arms. The curtains opened, moved by an unseen force. Behind them, sat Alex.
With a wicked smile, Zigo walked towards him. Then he picked up Alex and returned
to the center of the room.
"Not so fast Zigo!" said Fry.
"Hey, Zigo!" said Fry.
Zigo turned to face Fry.
"Yeah you, the bimbo with the baby!" said Fry. "Did anyone ever
tell you that the big shoulder look is out? You know, I have met some dumb blondes
in my life, no offense to Zapp Brannigan, but you really take the taco pal! Only
a Carpathian, would come back to life now and choose the universe! Tasty pick
bonehead! If you even had a brain in that huge melon on top of your neck, you
would be living the sweet life, out in Southern California's beautiful San Fernando
Just like Vigo did after hearing that in Ghostbusters II, Zigo opened his mouth
and blasted Fry, Kif, Amy, and Bender with pink energy.
"That was really stupid Fry!" said Amy.
Zigo lifted Alex. "Now we become one!"
Alex began to giggle. Zigo's hands felt cold.
Zigo threw back his head in pain. It began to jerk around.
"What's going on?" asked Kif.
"I think baby Alex has just discovered Zigo's weakness! Laughter!"
"I don't mean to interupt," said Amy, "but it's midnight!"
"And you know what we do on New Years Eve at midnight?" asked Fry.
Fry, Leela, Bender, Kif, and Amy began to sing the New Year Theme. Fry however
doesn't know the words, so he sings this: "Should all aquaintance be forgot,
And something, something, something, Something, something, something, something,
Something, something, something!"
The others heard him and laughed.
"Stop! Stop! Stop!" said Zigo.
"He's weakening!" said Fry. "Your laughter is destroying his
The pink energy disappeared.
"I can move!" said Kif as they stood.
Leela stood up. Even though her leg hurt from kicking the pillar, she could
still walk, with a slight limp.
Zigo disappeared, dropping Alex. Leela dived to the floor and caught him.
"I got you Alex!" she said.
Alex was still giggling.
"Where did Zigo go?" asked Amy.
Zapp awakened and stood. "What just happened?" he asked. "The
last thing I remember is being zapped in the eyes by my new painting!"
Suddenly, Zigo reappeared in his portrait and threw his head back in pain,
"He's back in the painting!" said Fry.
Zigo's face began to change. For the first time in his life, he now looked
like an old man. His eyes glowed red.
Zapp suddenly lost control over himself. He felt like he was in a trance.
"Ziggy, Ziggy, Ziggy," said Fry as he and Kif approached the portrait.
"You're not so tough now are you?"
Zapp stood before the portrait.
"Captain, we'd like to blast the monster," said Kif as he and Fry
set their laser weapons from `Stun' to `Kill'. "Could you move please?"
"Zapp?" asked Fry.
"Zapp?" asked Leela.
"Zapp?" asked Amy.
"Loser?" asked Bender.
"Captain?" asked Kif.
Zapp turned to face them. His face looked like Zigo's head.
"Now I Zigo as Zapp shall rule the universe!" he spoke with Zigo's
voice. "Be gone you pitiful half-men!"
He blasted them with lightning bolts from his eyes. Leela, however leaped up
and flipped forth, landing before Zapp. Then she began to tickle him.
"Stop it, you're killing me!" said Zapp.
Amy, Kif, Bender, and Fry stood.
As she tickled him, Leela punched Zapp in the stomach. He fell to his knees,
groaning. Zigo's spirit left him and hovered above.
"Leela, out of the way!" said Fry.
Leela ducked as Fry and Kif fired at Zigo, throwing him back into the painting.
"No!" he cried.
There was an explosion inside the portrait, enveloping him, destroying the
The floor began to tremble.
"Let's get out of here!" said Fry.
Zapp stood and ran forth. Everyone ran after him.
As they ran, the floor began to collapse. Pillars fell, windows smashed, the
curtains ripped apart.
Downstairs they ran and out the front gates.
When they were a safe distance away, they turned to face the castle, watching
as it collapsed to the ground. There was a great cloud of dust.
When the clouds vanished, the castle was gone. The clouds that had gathered
around the castle faded. All was quiet.
"Well," said Kif, "that's the end of Zigo the Carpathian".
"We did it!" said Fry. "We saved Alex, destroyed Zigo, and saved
"We'd better get home now before your mom comes back," Leela said
"And return Kif and Zapp to Nimbus as well," said Fry.
"Fine," said Zapp, "but before I go Leela..."
"Don't bother," said Leela.
A little later, Fry, Bender, and Amy were back at Planet Express, celebrating
the new year.
Just then, the door opened. In came Michelle, still dressed in the same clothes
she had worn at the pageant, carrying a bouqet of flowers, and wearing the crown.
"He's been so good," said Leela as she placed Alex into his carriage.
"We saw you on TV," said Fry. "You were great!"
"Thanks," said Michelle. "I'm glad I won instead of that snobby
Jessica Iris. In fact, she's appearing in court tomorrow."
"What for?" asked Fry.
"Originally, she was going to sue the sponsors of the pageant, the makers
of Sour Slurm, blaming them for her total defeat in the pageant. But now, she's
facing a short prison term. It turns out that she only won the previous five years
in a row because she slept with the judges. She has a son by all four of them."
"Well, as long as she gets what's coming to her, we don't care" said
Bender. Then he said to himself, "sleeping with the judges?"
"Don't get any ideas Bender," said Leela.
As Michelle left with Alex, Leela said to Fry, "I wonder if we should
have told her what almost happened?"
"Nah," said Fry, "it's better that she not know. If we did tell
her, she probably never would speak to me again. Then again, she hasn't spoken
to me since she ditched me in Los Angeles for that guy in the limo!"
"Well Fry," said Leela, "now that we've saved the universe,
what do you want to do now?"
Fry smiled. "I'm going to...bed."