The Scourge of Zapp Brannigan
By Dwayne Anderson
Note From the Author: One of my favorite movie villain's gets the Futurama treatment
in this story.
It was December 31st, 3004. The time was 7:42 P.M. Fry was sitting on the couch
in his apartment watching television. All day, he had been watching classic movies
from the twentieth century. He had already watched two dozen of them in one week.
Right now, the ending credits of Ghostbusters II were playing on the screen.
When the credits were finished, he turned off the VCR, only to catch this news
"Well puny humans, this is Morbo with the news. Tonight is New Years Eve
of 3004 and already, people across the Earth's surface are preparing for the big
event, while at the same time, I plot your doom! In other news, Zapp Brannigan
has led a successful strike against the planet Carpathia, a medieval planet ruled
by a tyrant who was brought down by DOOP's captain. We'll have more on this story,
but first, this commercial!"
"Want the best service we can give you? Tired of low interest rates on
deposits, and high interest rates on loans and mortages? Then come on down to
ING Bank. Open a new account today and get a bonus on your first deposit! ING
Bank. We don't know who took the first four letters out either!"
Fry turned off the television.
Just then, there was ringing from the video-phone.
"Collect call from..."
"You may call me Mr. Sensational!"
Fry could tell it was Zapp Brannigan.
"I'll accept," said Fry.
Zapp's picture appeared on the screen.
"Hello Fry," he said. "I just want to inform Leela that I have
"She isn't here," said Fry.
"She had better be there! I am spending a fortune on this collect call!"
"One dollar per minute. And that is part of the loot from the planet Carpathia
that I stole during that war to overthrow the emperor."
"Whoa! Talk about savings!"
"Anyways, I used much of what I stole to decorate my room of love in the
Nimbus, including a self portait of Carpathia's former emperor."
Just then, the door opened. In came Leela.
"Sorry Zapp," he said. "Gotta go."
The picture faded.
"Were you just talking to Zapp?" asked Leela.
"Yeah," said Fry. "He's boasting about his victory in the war
he waged against the medieval planet of Carpathia."
"I could tell," said Leela.
Suddenly, the video phone showed Zapp's face again.
"Ah, Leela, there you are!" he said. "So, did you hear all about
"Who cares?!" said Leela.
"I'm standing here in my room of love. Remember this place Leela? This
was where you lost something that will never be found again."
"What is it?"
Fry chuckled. "Good one Zapp!"
"I don't think that's funny," said Leela.
"Oh by the way Leela, do you know what I find sexiest in women?"
Leela folded her arms, covering her chest.
"Well?" asked Zapp.
"The boobies?" asked Leela.
"Right! Now as the old saying goes, `lose the zero, go with the hero!'
No offense Fry."
"What are you talking about?" asked Fry.
"I'm now worshipped as a hero on Earth and in DOOP headquarters for my
victory. Guess who's the loser?"
"Yippie!" cheered Fry as he punched his fists upwards. "I am
"Fry, he was putting you down!" said Leela.
Fry stopped cheering.
"Zapp, even though I don't care at all about your victory," said
Leela, "I'm curious. What exactly is this planet you fought against?"
"I didn't fight it. I fought its emperor. I recieved a distress signal
from the people of the planet Carpathia, which has one moon, known as Moldavia.
Emperor Zigo was executing people by the dozens every week, eating their flesh
and drinking their blood, hoping to gain eternal life and youth."
"Well you know what the religious saying says," said Fry, "unless
you eat the flesh of the son of man and drink his blood, you have no life in you."
"Now, as I was saying, Zigo had reigned for fifty years, slaughtering
those who spoke out against him. Hundreds were brutally beheaded. Despite the
fact that he was born one hundred and five years ago, he was able to retain his
youth by drinking the blood and eating the flesh of those he killed."
"A hundred and five years old?" asked Fry. "Whoa! He really
hung in there!"
"I finally put an end to his reign of terror," said Zapp. "but
only after he was poisoned, stabbed, shot, hung, stretched, disemboweled, drawn,
quartered, and finally guillotined."
"Ouch!" said Fry.
"Even after I had cut off his head, he still didn't die...for one minute.
I even timed it myself. However, I'll never forget his last words:Death is a doorway,
time is a window, I'll be back!"
"What happened next?" asked Fry.
"After I was treated as a hero," said Zapp. "DOOP looted the
palace and will be auctioning it off to the highest bidder. However, I kept some
for myself and used them to decorate my bedroom of love. Among the many objects
were Zigo's self portrait."
"Zapp, who cares if you killed an evil tyrant?" said Leela. "Even
though DOOP, and the people of Carpathia see you as a hero, I don't! That doesn't
change the fact that you're nothing but a sleazebag who is obsessed with sex!"
"Ooh, playing hard to get?" asked Zapp. "I like my women like
that! Well, gotta go! I am spending a dollar per minute on this call!"
Zapp's picture disappeared.
"For my new years resolution," said Leela, "I resolve not to
accept any more calls from him!"
"And I resolve to go up from a loser to a hero!" said Fry. "I've
saved the day many times, and I can do it again!"
"I don't think you're a loser," said Leela.
"By the way," said Fry, "about this guy Zapp killed, he sounds
kind of familiar. I remember hearing those last words in Ghostbusters II, one
of the best movies of 1989, also one of the best sequels ever made to a classic
movie. This Zigo kind of reminds me of Vigo the Carpathian."
Suddenly, the video phone rang again.
"That had better not be who I think it is!" said Leela.
"Collect call from..."
"Michelle? My old girlfriend?" asked Fry. "When I last heard
of her, she had gotten married and had a baby boy."
"Are you or are you not going to accept?" asked Leela.
"I'll accept," said Fry.
Michelle's picture appeared on the screen.
"Let me get to the point and quickly," said Michelle. "Me and
my husband are going out tonight for New Years Eve, and since I don't have any
other friends, you included, here in the city, I need you to look after Alex.
Think you and your freaky one eyed girlfriend are up to it?"
"I'm a mutant!" Leela said angrily.
"Whatever," said Michelle. "So, can I depend on you two tonight?"
"Well, we got no plans," said Leela. "We were just planning
on hanging around here tonight with our co-workers. So, ok! We'll take it."
"Great," said Michelle. "I'll come by at 9:00 tonight. Bye."
Michelle's picture faded.
"Leela, are you kidding?" asked Fry. "You know I know nothing
about taking care of a kid!"
"I could teach you," said Leela.
"Well, since you put it that way," said Fry, "as long as I have
to do very little, I'll do it!"
"And I'm sure the others will help too!" said Leela. "After
all, Amy's already a mother, even though her kids won't come to shore for twenty
Meanwhile, back on board the Nimbus, Zapp Brannigan was admiring his new decorated
"Now this is luxury!" he said. "With all this, I'm at least
a million dollars richer! Plus what the DOOP president pays me for my high rank!"
He gazed up at the portrait of Zigo. Zigo had the face of Wilhem von Homburg
(the person who played Vigo the Carpathian in Ghostbusters II, the excellent sequel
to the classic "Ghostbusters" film.) He also wore a red royal robe,
black leather boots, and a red satin cape around his back.
Suddenly, orange lightning bolts shot out of the eyes and zapped him, sending
him flying, right onto his bed.
As he struggled to stand, the picture changed into Zigo's face.
"Listen to me!" he said.
"What? Who?" asked Zapp.
"I command you! Listen to me!" said Zigo. He zapped Zapp again. (Try
saying that five times fast!)
"Oh yes!" said Zapp. "You command me!"
"Before you slew me, I sat upon a throne of blood, on a mountain of skulls,
in the castle of pain! Tonight begins the season of evil! What was on Carpathia,
soon shall be! What currently is, shall soon be no more! I am the Scourge of planet
Carpathia, the Sorrow of its moon Moldavia! I am Zigo the Carpathian!"
"Command me my lord."
"Find me a child so that I may be reborn at the stroke of midnight tonight!
Do this and you will be rewarded! What do you desire more than anything? Tell
me now, and you shall have it when you bring me the child!"
"Two words, Turanga Leela! I must have her! If I bring you the child,
can I have her?"
"So be it!"
The portrait changed back to its normal state. Zigo had spoken.
"Yes!" said Zapp. "Soon, Leela will be mine! But where am I
going to find a child?"
The portrait zapped Zapp again. (Say that three more times fast!) His eyes
began to glow bright orange, before they changed back to their normal color.
To Be Continued