Opening Credits scene:
No Common Side Effects. Use As Only As Directed.
Screen: A Daffy Duck and Porky Pig cartoon.
At Robot Arms Apts, Bender is throwing beer bottles out the window. Fry walks into the living room.
Fry: Bender! What's going on? Why are you in such a bad mood?
Bender: Didn't you hear? The Professor's not opening that Planet Express in LA until next year! Pisses me off so bad!
Fry: No wonder you're upset!
Bender: He told us we were going to start working there this month!
Fry: I was so looking forward to that! Looks like we're stuck in New New York for another year!
Bender: Tell me about it! If we were in LA, we'd be hanging around with celebrities, going to sleaze joints....
Fry: Going to the beach, malls, and amusement parks!
Bender: Yeah, with a beer guy like yours, you'd attract a lot of ladies!
Fry: Beer gut.......(sighs)........I wish.
Bender: What are you talking about?
Fry: I've got a secret that I've carried with me for a long time. I'll share it with you. Just promise not to tell anyone and not to mock me!
Bender: Can't guarantee that!
Fry: OKay. Here goes. After I got frozen and started working for Planet Express, I asked the Professor if he ever invented anything that makes skinny people look fat.
Bender: Oh, no! You don't have an eating disorder, do you? I'd expect that from Leela, but never with you!
Fry: Let me finish! So, the Professor said he invented a skinpad. He said it's made of synthetic human flesh and acts as a second skin to make skinny people look fat. I've been wearing it secretly ever since.
Bender: You actually paid attention to what the Professor said? What a surprise!
Fry: (pulling up his shirt) This is who I really am. (voice breaking) I'm not a little chubby as I'd like to be.
Fry removes his skinpad that sounded like velcro and paper ripping. He rips it off. It reveals that Fry is emaiciated. His pants fall down in the process.
Bender: (spitting out his beer) Holy pick! You're a toothcrap! Oops! I mean, Holy crap! You're a toothpick!
Fry: I've tried everything to gain weight and nothing works! The only thing that works is my skinpad! Not even alcohol works!
Bender: I don't know what to call you anymore! I don't know if I should call you, "bonebag", "beanpole", "skeleton-man", "thintube", "slims" or "pop star"! Let me know which nickname you like best!
Fry: I'm a skeleton! You can see my rib cage!
Bender: (leads Fry to some scales) Let's see how much you really weigh.
Bender puts Fry on the scales. The scales ping.
Bender: You only really weight 90 pounds?! What's your real size?
Fry: With the skinpad, I weigh 158 and I'm a man's size 14! Without it, I'm a man's size 5!
Fry (putting the skinpad back on) Now, Bender, remember! Nobody must ever know about this. (putting on his pants) Epsecially not Leela! She can't know! Leela must not know!
Leela (walking into the apartment) Leela can't know about what?
Fry (stammering) Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, that we can't go to work in LA for another year.
Leela: I knew that! Unlike you I can wait that long! Come on to work. The Professor has a very special mission for us.
Bender and Fry follow Leela to the Planet Express.
Scene 2: At Planet Express, everyone was waiting to hear about the mission in the confrence room. The Professor walks in.
Prof. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone!
Bender: Uh, oh! Don't like the sound of this, what do you think, skinny?
Fry: (hushed) Shut up!
Prof. Farnsworth: Today you are all going to the planet Oceanview!
Hermes: All of us are going?
Amy: I heard about that planet. It's 99% water. Hope there's some cute lifeguards there!
Leela: I'm sure there is, Amy. Please continue Professor.
Prof. Farnsworth: The reason why I'm sending you all there is because there's treasure!
Zoidberg: Hooray! A treasure hunt! Rages to Riches for Zoidberg!
Everyone: Shut up, Zoidberg!
Prof. Farnsworth: Rumor has it the treasure is located in an abandoned pirate ship, the only known land on the planet!
Bender: How are we going to get around, swim? Hope there's no suppositories this time!
Prof. Farnsworth: No Bender, there won't be. Instead you'll all get around on waverunners. I invented them just for this mission.
Fry: I remember those from my time. They're like water skiis with handlebars!
Prof. Farnsworth: Correct for once, idiot! However, there is a catch!
Hermes: What's the catch mon? This all sounds too good to be true, anyway.
Prof. Farnsworth: You have to be at least 100 pounds or over to ride the waverunners.
Bender: (to Fry) Looks like you're out of the picture, scrawny! I'm afraid you'll have to 'ride' this one out! (laughes evilly)
Fry: Shut up, please! I beg you!
Amy: That won't be a problem for me! Especially not for you either, Leela!
Leela: OKay, enough! Everyone on the ship, now!
Zoidberg (skipping into the ship): Zoidberg's gonna be rich! Zoidberg's gonna be rich! Zoidberg's gonna be rich!
Everyone boards the ship. Just when Fry was about to board the Professor stopped him.
Prof. Farnsworth: May I have a word with you?
Fry: Oh, no! He knows! He knows I really weigh 90 pounds!
Prof. Farnsworth: Wha??? Anyway, what happened to that skinpad I gave you?
Fry: Oh, that. I sent it to the thrift store in Jupiter.
Prof. Farnsworth: Okay, that's all I want to know. Be safe and good riddance.
Fry boards the P.E. Ship and the sip takes off.
Prof. Farnsworth: Why would Fry want a skinpad anyway? He's chunky enough! (falls asleep).
The P.E. Ship soars through space finding the planet Oceanview.
Bender: So, how did you try to look fat before you got frozen?
Fry: Most of the time I just held my breath. Also, I used to dress in layers, and put pillows under my clothes.
Bender: Holding your breath, eh? That explains the lack of brain cells.
Fry: Nobody ever knew about me being so skinny. Michelle never knew, my parents never knew, until found out about it after I had my soda-induced heart-attack during high school. That's why I did that, to try to gain weight! Hopefully, nobody else will have to know about this!
Bender: Hey, can you take off your skinpad for a second so I can play your bones like a xyolophone! I've always wanted to do that!
Fry: Are you crazy? No!
The ship finally reached the planet Oceanview which was behind Pluto.
Leela (landing the ship) We're in Oceanview. Who wants to drop the anchor?
Fry and Bender: I will!
Bender: Not you, skeleton-man!
Bender takes the anchor out of the utility closet and throws it out. The anchor connected to a rock in the water.
Fry: I could've done that!
Bender: Yeah, sure, Slims McKenzie!
Meanwhile Hermes and Amy were talking in the back room of the ship.
(Bush's Greedy Fly plays)
Hermes: Hey, Amy. Do you sometimes feel you miss out on the adventures?
Amy: Spluh! All the time! What are you thinking?
Hermes: You and I are both rich, so why not be even more rich?
Amy: Keep talking!
Hermes: Let's jump on one of those waverunners and get to the treasure before Fry, Leela, and Bender do!
Amy: Splawesome! I'm in!
Zoidberg: (walks in) Do I hear the sounds of conspiring?
Hermes: Stay out of this you filthy crab! This is nothing that concerns you!
Amy: Oh, let him come along so he'll shut up!
Hermes: OKay, fine. But we're ignoring you!
Zoidberg: Hooray! Zoidberg's included!
Hermes, Amy, and Zoidberg snuck out of the ship and took 3 of the six waverunners and sailed off.
Hermes: I'm going to be the richest man in the beaucracy!
Amy: The Wong's will be even more rich! Maybe my parents will stop nagging me to give them a grandchild!
Zoidberg: No more thrift stores for Zoidberg!
Back at the ship.
Leela: Everyone grab a waverunner and..........
Fry, Leela, and Bender notice Hermes, Amy, and Zoidberg are gone.
Leela: Where are the others? Do you guys know?
Bender: They must've snuck off!
Fry: My guess is, they're getting to the treasure before we do!
Bender: Once we get that treasure it's going to me and only to me! Bender!
Leela: Excuse me! This isn't a race or a competition! Let's get on those waverunners and go after them and try to talk some sense into them!
Fry, Bender, and Leela take their waverunners and drove them to the pirate ship whilst looking for Hermes, Amy, and Zoidberg. Fry was flying all around on his waverunner out of control.
Fry: Can't control! Can't control! Can't control! Stop this crazy thing!
Leela: I should've explained before that this wasn't a competition!
Bender: We better stop them before they get to that treaure that's rightfully mine! Right, beanpole?
Fry (still flying around on the waveruner): Can't control! Can't control! Stop this crazy thing! Somebody help me!
Hermes, Amy, and Zoidberg parked their waverunners at the side of the pirate ship.
Amy: Looks like we made it here, first! We should Fry, Bender, and Leela have all the fun?
Hermes: That's a good question, Amy.
Fry, Bender and Leela arrive on the pirate ship.
Fry (out of breath) We.....should....all....look.....for....this together.
Leela: Fry's right. For some reason he's out of breath. We're supposed to be a team, doesn't anyone remember that?
Amy: Oh, trom on, Leela! We never get to go on adventures, why should you Fry and Bender get all the fun?
Hermes: Amy's right! We should be able to go on missions, too!
Zoidberg: I'm going to be rich soon!
Bender: Oh, no you won't! That treasure is mine, dammit, mine!
Unbeknownst to the Planet Express crew, the Robot Mafia was inside the pirate ship watching them.
Joey Mousepad: Boss! 4 people, a crab and a robot know about the treasure!
Clamps: They came to take it, what will do, boss?
Donbot: Calm down, calm down! Here's what we'll do! We'll kidnap the Jamacian, the Chinese girl, and the crab!
Joey Mousepad: What about the other three?
Donbot: Let them come in, we'll leave them to Puffball!
Puffbull was a seven-eyed blob who was very skilled with a knife.
Joey Mousepad: Like the way you think!
Clamps (gets a laser gun and pokes it through a hole outside) Yeah, let 'em come in!
Meanwhile back outside Leela and Bender were trying to bust down the door.
Fry: I'll help you guys in a minute! I need a......(sees the laser gun barrell) Hey, a honka pipe!
Fry grabs the laser gun barrell and Clamps pulls it back in causing Fry to fall down.
Fry: I need a better grip. (spits on his hands)
Fry goes to grab the gun barrel and realizes it's gone.
Fry (gasps) What the.......
Bender (walking up to Fry) What's going on with you, bonebag?
Fry: I had something I was going to help you pry the door down with.
Bender: We got it open already, what you had was a hallucination!
Fry: No I didn't! I had a honka pipe!
Hermes, Amy, and Zoidberg fall down a trap door.
Leela: Let's go in, it's open.
They all notice Hermes, Amy, and Zoidberg were gone.
Leela: Oh, no! Hermes, Amy, and Zoidberg dissapeared. Not only do we have to find the treasure, we have to find them, too.
Bender: I never heard the words, "only" and "treasure" in a sentence before!
They all walk into the ship.
The Robot Mafia sees them enter.
Donbot: (opening a curtain) We'll just sit back and let Puffball do all the work.
Puffball jumps out and roars angerly and is armed with a butcher knife.
Donbot: Strangers in the ship!
Puffball: ROAR! (walks off)
Donbot: He'll do a nice quiet job.
Fry, Bender, and Leela were all walking together trying to look for Hermes, Amy, and Zoidberg.
Leela: We need a plan. Fry and Bender you both go left, and I'll go right.
Fry: Why are you going alone?
Leela: Because I can hold my own. Unlike you. Can't find anything we'll meet back here at the enterance.
Bender: Whatever! I just want that treasure!
Leela goes right while Fry and Bender go left.
Bender (singing to the tune of John Barelycorn Must Die) Oh, Phillip J. Fry is a skinny guy! He could not control his waverunner! Fry just flew high and higher again! He should not have come on this mission! Fry only weighs 90 pounds, and he covers it up with a skinpad.....
Fry: Shut up, Bender! Just shut up! Don't you realize how upset I am about that?
Bender: No! I have no regards for anyone's feelings. You know that.
Leela (hears Fry and Bender and gets disguested): I knew I should not have left those two alone!
Leela walks back to the enterance and goes in the direction Fry and Bender are.
Leela: Change of plans, you two follow me.
Bender: All righty, then. I'd do anything for that treasure.
Fry: This place is haunted. I wonder if there's any ghosts?
Then a white sheet falls on Fry.
Fry (screaming) Ahhhh! Ghost! It has me! Help!
Leela and Bender take off the sheet.
Leela: It was a bedsheet!
Fry: No it wasn't! (sees a skeleton in between the sheet) It was Patrick Swayze! (pointing to the skeleton)
Leela and Bender glare at Fry.
Fry: What do you know? Patrick Swayze's gone!
Bender: So are you, get moving!
Puffball comes behind them.
Bender: Y'know this looks like a good place for a murder!
Fry: Or Arson!
Bender: Or Larceny!
Fry and Bender: And other crimes that don't rhyme! (laughs)
Leela: Will you two be quiet?
Fry looks behind him and sees Puffball.
Fry (to Puffball): Hello.
Leela: Who are you talking to now, Fry? Another ghost?
Fry: No, look behind us.
Fry, Bender, and Leela look at Puffball armed with a butcher knife. They all scream and Puffball throws the knife into a wall. Leela and Bender run one way and Fry runs into a room.
Bender: Why didn't you use your kung-fu, Leela?
Leela: Because I'd get stuck in him, Bender. Hope you have some paint thinner and baking soda!
Bender: I carry some with me everywhere I go, what's it for?
Leela: You'll find out.
Meanwhile at the top of the ship, Hermes, Amy, and Zoidberg were bound to chairs in a soundproof room. The treasure was under Amy's chair and none of them knew.
Hermes: I don't know what's worse, mon! Being in a soundproof room, or being tied up next to Zoidberg!
Amy: Good thing he didn't hear you say that!
Hermes: Why is that, mon?
Amy: He's been drugged?
Zoidberg: (sleeping): ZZZZZ woo! woo! woo! woo! woo! ZZZZ woo! woo! woo! woo! woo!
Fry locked himself in the room he was in and barricaded the doors. Leela and Bender knock on the door.
Fry: Go away! Get away from me you blobby psychopath!
Bender: It's us, moron!
Leela: Let us in, idiot!
Fry: (unbarricading the door) Leela! Bender! I didn't know it was you. Come on in.
Just when Leela and Bender were about to walk in, Puffball come behind them and growls.
Leela and Bender: I think we need a better plan.
Fry unwittingly lets Puffball in thinking it's Leela and Bender.
Fry: Man, am I so glad to see you guys! Now I know I'm safe.
Fry: Oh, Bender! Stop trying to scare me. Bad enough you're teasing me about my underweight problem! (turns to see Puffball) NNNNOOOOOOO!!!! Not you again, AAAAHHHH!!!
Fry runs and hides behind a head statue. Puffball slowly approaches him with his butcher knife.
Fry: (pleading): No! No! No! Please! Please! Please! Don't kill me! Funerals are very expensive!
Puffball waves his butcher knife which causes the head statue to break leaving Fry to think he's been decapatated.
Fry: (sees the broken head statue on the floor.) MY HEAD! MY HEAD! MY HEAD! He chopped off my head! Ohhh, I'm dead! I'm dead! (sobs).
Leela and Bender break into the room with a bucket full off paint thinner and baking soda.
Bender: Hey, blobbo! Bite my shiny metal ass!
Leela: (throwing the bucket and kicking it in Puffball's direction): Hee-yah!
The paint thinner and baking soda caused Puffball to melt.
Fry: All right! woo! Too bad I can't enjoy this victory since I've been decapatated.
Bender: (holds up a mirror for Fry to look at) Though, it wouldn't be such a bad sight for sire eyes!
Fry: (laughing): I'm alive! I don't believe it! I'm alive!
Leela: We need to strategize a plan. Obviously, we have gotten nowhere so far.
Bender: (under his breath) No where near the treasure!
Leela: Here's the deal, we need to find out who kidnapped Hermes, Amy, and Zoidberg.
Bender: Screw them! What about the treasure?
Leela: Yeah, yeah. The treasure too. (looks at Fry) We're using you as bait.
Leela sees a ladder to the upper floor of the ship and barrells.
Leela: I've got it! Fry, you're going to pretend to surrender to whoever is behind this! Bender and I will throw the barrells down at the insitgators who did this!
Fry: Cool! We're gonna use the old Donkey Kong method! Why don't you two pretend to surrender and I'll throw the barrells!
Bender: No way, Jose-bot!
Fry: Why not?
Bender: Because you're too skinny and weak to throw the barrells!
Fry: All right, I'll pretend to surrender.
Leela: He's weak, but why did you say, skinny?
Bender: Never mind, Fruadian slip-disk.
Fry, Bender, and Leela get ready to orchestrate their plan. The Robot Mafia was watching.
Donbot: Joey, Clamps! Time to make our move!
Joey Mousepad and Clamps: Right boss!
Leela and Bender were up on the upper floor ready to throw the barrells while Fry pretends to surrender.
Fry: I give up! I'm giving myself up to whoever is behind this!
The Robot Mafia appear out of nowhere.
Fry: That was quick! heh-heh!
Donbot: So, you surrender?
Joey Mousepad: Maybe we should throw him in with the other prisoners?
Clamps: Maybe I can squeeze him to death with my Clamps!
Leela: Okay.....now! (throws barrell)
Bender: Bite my barrell-throwing ass! (throws two barrells)
All three barrells landed on the Robot Mafia, which causes them to get stuck inside. Bender and Leela jumped down from the upper floor.
Leela: Okay, Donbot! What did you do to our friends?
Bender: More importantly, where's the treasure?
Leela: You have no choice, we captured you! You're going to tell us everything, RIGHT NOW!!!!
Joey Mousepad: (quivering) The captives are up on the top floor of the ship.
Clamps: The treasure's up there, too!
Donbot: Okay, we told, you captured us, we confessed, now what?
Bender: (picking up Clamps in the barrell) This! (Throws Clamps into the ocean)
Leela karate-kicks Joey Mousepad and Donbot and they too got tossed into the ocean along with Clamps.
Fry: All right! We won! Let's go save our friends!
Bender: Friends? Ha! Treasure!
Fry, Bender, and Leela all race to the top floor. They rescued Hermes, Amy, and Zoibderg and Bender grabbed the treasure.
Amy: So, did you guys have all the fun as usual?
Leela: You're a college girl, you have enough fun.
Hermes: Thanks for saving us, mon!
Fry: Don't mention it!
Zoidberg: Hooray! Now that I've been rescued, I'm rich now!
Leela: I think we all won!
Bender: (opening the treasure box find gold joins inside) Won this fabulous treasure!
Fry: (jumping up and down) Hooray! Yay! We won! We won! (Fry's skinpad plops off) We're rich.
Fry's skinpad falls off and his jumping causes his pants to fall off revealing his scrawny, emaciated body. Everyone looks at Fry in shock.
Fry: (stops jumping) Why are you all staring at me?
Zoidberg: Not only do I get rescued, I get rich and a tasty meal!
Zoidberg eats Fry's skinpad!
Fry: NNNNOOOOOO!!!!! I needed that to look chubby and gain weight! I'll ask again, why is everybody staring at me?
Hermes: Cover your shame, mon!
Amy: Guh?! Do you have to ask why we're staring? You have the body of a 21st century pop star!
Bender: Now that we all know Fry's terrible secret, let's turn him into a Calvin Klone model! That or a lightweight boxer! Just for the record, I never knew about this!
Leela: That's why you couldn't control the waverunner! Fry, why didn't you tell us this before? And where did you get that skinpad?
Fry: From the Professor! (voice breaking) All right! I've been wearing it ever since! If you all knew I was really 90 pounds, you all would've laughed at me, anyway! (Pulls up his pants).
Zoidberg: You look so malnourished! I can so relate to you.
Fry: I've tried everything to gain weight. The only think that worked was the skinpad.
Leela: Fry, you don't need to look chubby. We never would've laughed at you if we knew. We all like you for who you are. Most importantly, you need to accept yourself for who you are.
Fry: (shouting) SHUT UP! SHUT UP! ALL OF YOU! EVERYBODY JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!
Fry runs out of the room and trips over in his own pants.
Bender: He has issues! He ought to be happy about this treasure!
Leela: I'll pick up Fry and let him ride back on my waverunner with me.
Scene 8 Conclusion:
Back in Robot Arms Apartments Bender spots Fry in the hallway leading to his apartment. Fry's clothes are very baggy and heavy on him.
Bender: Yo, pop star! Come here! We got a surprise for you.
Fry: You know I'm back to wearing layers and pillows under my clothes?
Bender leads Fry into their apartment.
Fry: What's going on?
Bender: Leela used some of the gold from the treasure to get you a new wardrobe. Then she sent the rest to charity, dammit!
Leela: We all pitched in and got you some new clothes. T-shirts and jeans in a man's size 5. Your true size!
Prof. Farnsworth: No skinpads for you, moron!
Amy: It was fun! Spleck! At least you weigh more than Kiff and the Professor.
Fry: Thanks, guys. I don't know what to say.
Zoidberg: Try them on, please! Try them on!
Hermes: Patience, you flithy crab!
Fry: (grabbing the clothes): OKay.
Fry goes into the bathroom and changes into his new clothes in his true size.
Fry: (comes out) They fit perfect! I'm not hiding myself anymore!
Everyone: All, right! yay! (clapping).
Fry: You guys are right! I don't need to hide myself and feel embarrased about my weight.
Leela: That's right, Fry. Even though you weigh 90 pounds, we still like you for who you are.
Fry: That's very important to me to hear that from you, Leela!
Bender: Couldn't agree more, thintube! Mind if I call you that from now on?