Fan Fiction

Rubbish Ball
By Rush

Scene: Academy Of Inventors Auditorium. Ron Popeil is on the stage, with a trophy beside him.

Popeil: 'Welcome to this years Academy of Inventors Annual Symposium. I'm your host, Ron Popeil, inventor of Mr. Microphone, the spray-on toupee and, of course, the technology to keep human heads alive in jars. [A few people applaud.] But wait, there's more. We've got a whole line-up of inventors tonight, starting with that up and coming young star, Ogden Wernstrom.

[The audience applauds and Wernstrom stands up and walks onto the stage. Fry "boos".]

Bender: (shouting) 'More whisky!

Wernstrom: 'Distinguished members of the Academy, I present to you, the Reverse Scuba Suit--

Someone From Audience: (Steven Hawking sounding voice) 'Lies!

[Pan to a humanoid fish sitting at a table with his fin in the air pointing at Wernstrom, who wears a deep sea diver like suit wearing a lab coat over it, with a catfish like face behind the small glass window of his helmet.]

Humanoid Fish Scientist: 'Our race the Phishgans invented the Reverse Scuba Suit in order to breathe out of the waters of our home-world Phozeidon in which we live in. So thus your invention was invented before meaning that is not a new invention. [The audience gasp.]

Wernstrom: 'I never even heard of your race. Even on the Internet.

Phishgan Scientist: 'We're new comers to the Doop from just last week when Pharnzworth [Pan to Farnsworth pointing at himself.] a member of our race that of who some call him Pharnzy.

Popeil: 'That's you.

Pharnzworth: 'Oh right, anyway I invented a fast space engine, which I call the Bark Phekal Natter Engine. [Pan to Farnsworth rubbing his chin thoughtfully.]

Farnsworth: (thoughtfully) 'Hmm, a copycat of my Dark Matter Engine? [He waves his hand dismissively] Nah!

Pharnzworth: 'Which I sold to Maza, who used it for their space ships to explore outside our home solar system. Within a few hours came into contact with Doop as well as many other aliens, who thus let my race become apart of their organization, and allowed us to colonize a few rich marine water life planets like our own home-world.

[The audience just stares, a few can be heard coughing.]

Bender: 'Wooo!

Farnsworth: '…. The fish-man is right!

Phishgan Scientist: 'Hey! That's racist!

Farnsworth: 'Sorry. You're invention has already been invented, so thus it isn't an invention!

[The audience "boos" and throw papers at Wernstrom.]

Wernstrom: 'You'll all pay! [He runs off the stage.] Deary! [He opens a fire exit and slams it behind him.]

Popeil: 'Well, anyway--

[Time Lapse. A man on the stage demonstrates a helicopter hat. He turns a handle and flies away. The audience applauds.]

Popeil: 'Our last presentation comes from our oldest member, Professor Hubert Farnsworth.

[Farnsworth walks onto the stage carrying the Death Clock.]

Farnsworth: 'I present to you the Death Clock. [The audience laughs.]

Popeil: 'You invented that last year!

Farnsworth: 'Wait, what about the Smelloscope?! Whcih allows you to smell distant objects as well as seeing them like a telescope.

Popeil: 'That sounds scientifically impossible.

Farnsworth: 'Nothing is scientifically impossible, not if you can invent it!

[Somewhere in the audience a man shouts with a British accent.]

Man: 'Get off the stage!

[Farnsworth sighs and walks off the stage.]

Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry, Bender, Leela and Farnsworth sit around the table.

Farnsworth: 'Maybe 149 is just too old to be a scientist.

Bender: 'So who won the award? When we took off.

Farnsworth: 'That fish-guy. [Bender takes out a black burglar hat, puts it on and walks out of the room.] Oh, why even bother anymore?

Fry: 'No, Professor, don't give up. There were plenty of times in my century when I was gonna give up but I never did. Never! Hey, are you even listening to me? Oh, I give up!

Farnsworth: 'By God, you're right! I'm going to build that Smelloscope!

[There is a blinding flash of light followed by the appearance of a Bending Unit.]

Bending Unit: 'Hello I'm U-J-B aka U-J-Bender or Universe Jumping Bender. And I'm here to make yet another pointless cameo again. [There is a blinding flash of light followed by the disappearance of U-J-Bender.]

Leela: 'Oh they always pop in when you least expect it.

Scene: Planet Express: Attic Room.]

Farnsworth: 'Eureka!

[Fry, Leela and Bender run in.]

Fry: 'Did you build the Smelloscope?

Farnsworth: No, I remembered that I'd built one last year. Go ahead, try it. You'll find that every heavenly body has its own particular scent. Here, I'll point it at Jupiter.

[Fry sniffs.]

Fry: 'Smells like strawberries.

Farnsworth: 'Exactly! And now Saturn.

[Fry sniffs.]

Fry: 'Pine needles. Oh, man, this is great! Hey, as long as you don't make me smell Uranus.

[He laughs.]

Leela: 'I don't get it.

Farnsworth: 'I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all.

Fry: 'Oh. What's it called now?

Farnsworth: 'Urectum. Here, let me locate it for you.

[Fry chuckles.]

Fry: 'No, no, I think I'll just smell around a bit over here! [He points the Smelloscope around the sky and sniffs.] Hmm. [He sniffs again.] Hmm.

[He sniffs again and starts gagging.]

Farnsworth: 'What is it? [He sniffs and reacts.] Oh, jeez! Oh, man! Remarkable! A stench so foul it's right off the Funk-o-Meter. I dare say Fry may have discovered the smelliest object in the known universe.

Bender: 'Ooh! Ooh! Name it after me!

[Leela sniffs.]

Leela: 'I think it's moving.

Farnsworth: 'Hmm. Perhaps the computer can calculate its trajectory. [He clicks a few buttons.] My God! Whatever it is, it's headed straight for us. With enough force to reduce this entire city to a stinky crater. We have less than 72 hours.

[Fry, Leela and Bender gasp.]

Bender: 'Well, let's get looting!

[He picks up a TV and runs out.]

[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff sit around the table looking at a hologram of the Earth.]

Fry: 'So this thing's gonna destroy the whole city? [A hologram of the object hits the hologram of the Earth with a splat.] What the heck is it?

[Farnsworth taps a keyboard.]

Farnsworth: 'Ah! Just as I thought. The answer lies in this movie I found on the Internet.

[He plays the movie. The New York skyline of 2000 is displayed on the screen, along with the title The Great Garbage Crisis Of 2000.]

Narrator: [voice-over; in movie] 'New York City: The year 2000. The most wasteful society in the history of the galaxy and it was running out of places to empty its never-ending output of garbage. [People throw black bags full of rubbish out of office windows and they are bulldozed away.] The landfills were full. New Jersey was full. And so, under cover of darkness, the city put its garbage out to sea on the world's largest barge. [A man unties a barge filled with garbage and pushes it away from the pier.] The repulsive barge circled the oceans for 50 years but no country would accept it, not even that really filthy one. You know the one I mean. Finally, in 2052, the city used its mob connections to obtain a rocket and launch the garbage into outer space. Some experts claim the ball might return to Earth someday, but their concerns were dismissed as "depressing".

Fry: 'Wow! You got that off the Internet? In my day the Internet was only used to download pornography.

Farnsworth: 'Actually that's still true.

[He resumes the movie.]

Female Scientist: [in movie] 'Now that the garbage is in space, doctor, perhaps you can help me with my sexual inhibitions.

Male Scientist: [in movie] 'With gusto!

[They both strip down to their underwear. Leela turns the lights back on. Fry groans.]

Farnsworth: 'So that's the situation. Due to the short-sightedness of Old New York, New New York is going to be destroyed by a giant ball of garbage.

Leela: 'Fry, what the hell were you people thinking back then? How could you just throw your garbage away?

Fry: 'Hey, gimmie a break! What do you do with it?

Leela: 'We recycle everything. Robots are made from old beer cans.

Bender: 'Yeah! And this beer can is made outta old robots.

Leela: 'And that roll you're eating is made of old discarded rolls. [Fry looks inside the roll and cringes.] Nothing just gets thrown away.

Fry: 'The future is disgusting.

[Leela turns around away from Fry and snots crossing her arms.]

Leela: 'Typical 20th century attitude.

Fry: 'Hey! You have no right to criticise the 20th century. We gave the world the nuclear bomb, the disposable razor blade: and the Playstation.

Leela: [turning her head around to face him.] 'Those weren't all that great inventions.

Fry: 'Um yeah, you're right! But there's other good inventions from the 20th century, like--

Farnsworth: 'Please! There's no time for this now. This is an emergency. We must warn the mayor.

[Scene: Citihall: Mayor's Office. Poopenmeyer sits behind his desk.]

Poopenmeyer: 'Garbage ball, huh? That sounds serious.

Farnsworth: 'Very serious, Mayor Poopenmeyer.

Poopenmeyer: I gotta be sure this isn't another scientific fraud like global warming or second-hand smoke. [He presses the intercom.] Send in my science advisor.

[Enter Pharnzworth.]

Farnsworth: 'Fish-Guy?

Pharnzworth: 'My name is Pharnzworth. So what brings you here? Incidentally I think I've misplaced my award trophy. [Bender chuckles.]

Fry: (thinking) 'Their names sound alike.

Farnsworth: 'I'm here because a giant trash ball is heading straight for us. Smell for yourself.

[Farnsworth wipes the Smelloscope. Poopenmeyer sniffs and leaps back.]

Poopenmeyer: 'Hey! Holy jeez!

Pharnzworth: 'If this is indeed true. We have to start thinking about our options.

[A woman walks in with a cassette player.]

Woman: 'Mr. Mayor, we just got this transmission from Neptune.

Man: [on tape] 'Giant ... garbage ball-- Oh no it's Santa! Ahhhh!

Cut to: Jolly Junction. Dozens of Neptunian watch as Robot Santa walks towards a Neptunian holding a black transmitter dictaphone looking device in the middle of the street.

Robot Santa: 'Give me that! [He pulls it out of the Neptunian's hands, then picks him up and throws him sending him flying high into the air out of sight.] Oh, I wish I could just kick flying if I had longer legs.

Cut to: Neptunian falling.

Neptunian: (screaming) 'Ahhhhhhhhhh--

[He lands in the outskirts of Jolly Junction in a pile of thick snow. He stands up, dusts himself off. Then from behind him a Yeti runs towards him and kicks him sending him flying high into the air towards Jolly Junction.

Neptunian: (screaming) 'Ahhhhhhhhhh--

Cut back to Robot Santa. From behind him in the distance the falling Neptunian lands in another thick pile of show, then he stands up and dusts himself off.

Robot Santa: 'What are you all staring at! Go bake me some cookies! [Neptunians scatter in all directions screaming.] And don't forget a glass of milk. Or else, I'll kill you, a few of you. [He presses a button on the transmitter.]

Cut to: Citihall: Mayor's Office.

Woman: 'There we go.

Poopenmeyer: 'My God! The senile old man is right.

Farnsworth: 'Do you mean him or me?

Poopenmeyer: 'Him!

[He points at Farnsworth. Farnsworth grumbles.]

Pharnzworth: 'That's you.

Farnsworth: 'Eh wha? Oh, yay!

Fry: (worried) 'Was that Santa? He didn't sound very nice.

[Leela and Farnsworth exchange looks and nod to one another in agreement.]

Leela: 'No--

Farnsworth : 'Of course not.

Fry: 'Oh that's a relief. I was beginning to think Santa was evil.

Bender: 'What are you guys talking about? That was Sa-- [Leela elbows him.] Ow!

Scene: New New York City Street. People crowd around a shop watching TV's through the window. Which all show the news with Morbo and Linda.  

Linda: [on TV] 'Next, New New York in crisis. Morbo?

Morbo: [on TV] 'Thanks, human female. Puny Earthlings were shocked today to learn that a ball of garbage will destroy their pathetic city of New New York.

Linda: [on TV] 'Makes me glad we live here in Los Angeles.

Morbo: [on TV] 'Morbo agrees!

[They both laugh.]

[Scene: Citihall: Mayor's Office. A large hologram of the garbage ball is projected in the middle of the room. A military man is there with the others.]

Leela: 'Can't we just shoot a missile at it?

Military Man: 'We've simulated that on a supercomputer but the ball is just too damn gooey. A missile would go right through it.

[The hologram shows a missile squelching through the garbage ball.]

Farnsworth: 'But suppose we send a crew to plant an explosive precisely on the fault line between this mass of coffee grounds and this deposit of America Online floppy disks.

[The simulation explodes.]

Military Man: 'In theory, it could work.

Pharnzworth: 'In theory, maybe. But if all else fails should we evacuate the city?

Farnsworth: 'Yes, that is a good back-up plan. Now you three I want you three too--

Bender: 'Yes-yes we know!

Scene: Planet Express: Hangar. The crew are assembled in front of the ship.]

Farnsworth: 'Now, you'll only have one chance to destroy the ball. After that, it will be so close to Earth that blowing it up would cause garbage to rain over the entire planet, killing billions.

Bender: (ironic) 'Oh, boo-hoo!

Farnsworth: 'Now here's the bomb I've prepared. Once you activate it, you'll have 25 minutes to get away.

Leela: 'That's all? But--

Farnsworth: 'Now, now, there'll be plenty of time to discuss your objections when and if you return.

Scene: Garbage Ball Surface. The ship cruises in and lands. The steps go down, the door opens and the crew look around.]

Fry: 'Wow!

Leela: 'Look at all this filth.

Fry: 'It's not filth. It's a glorious monument to the achievements of the 20th century. [He picks up something.] Look! A real Beanie Baby. [He picks up something else.] Oh! A Mr. Spock collector's plate! [He sees something and gasps.] Some Bart Simpson dolls!

[He runs over to a pile of them. Bender picks one up and pulls the string.]

Doll: 'Eat my shorts!

Bender: 'OK [He eats the shorts.] (in a la Homer Simpson) Mmm! Shorts!

Leela: 'Fry, this stuff was garbage when it was new. Let's blow it up already!

Fry: 'This junk isn't garbage! I can dig in any random pile and find something great.

[He digs in a pile and comes out with a six pack holder around his neck, like a seagull. Leela cuts him free.]

Fry: (gasping) 'Alright, let's get to work.

Bender: 'Good thing you reset the timer on the bomb Leela. Imagine setting it upside-down.

[Time Lapse. The crew walk across the surface, reading a map.]

Leela: 'Let's see. If that's Hypodermic Ridge then the bomb must go right here. [She puts the bomb in the ground, presses a button then they run.]

Cut to: All three run up the steps of the Planet Express ship. Within seconds the ship takes off into space heading towards Earth.

Cut to: Garbage Ball exploding.

Scene: Outside Planet Express. A crowd of cheering people stand on the street with a banner saying "Welcome Home Heroes".

[Time Lapse. In the conference room. Fry looking depressed sits on a chair around the conference table, his head is leaned down on the table. Bender walks in and pats him on the shoulder.]

Bender: 'Come on Fry, let's go home and get you drunk. That always makes you happy.

Fry: (quietly) 'Leave me alone, Bender.

Bender: 'Alright. [He walks out.] Moan-bag.

[Just when Bender leaves the room, Leela walks in and sits down beside Fry.]

Leela: 'Fry--

Fry: 'You were right, Leela. Nothing good came from my time.

Leela: 'No, that's not true. You're time invented; the internet, the television, video games, the cell phone, the tank. And so much more.

Fry: 'So not everything was bad from my time?

Leela: 'All times in history give the world great things, except for of course the dark ages; with the fall of Rome, Vikings rampaging across Europe, well they did give us a few inventions though. But from your time Fry, came my best friend I ever had into the future.

Fry: (raising his voice slightly) 'Who is he?!

Leela: 'It's you Fry.

Fry: 'Me? Oh, well you're my best friend too, and I mean that, also don't ever tell that to Bender. [Leela smiles briefly.]

Leela: 'I won't.

Fry: Wait, Leela I didn't come to the future on purpose, I--

Leela: 'Fry, you told me before.

Fry: 'Oh yeah. [Fry stands up.] So I better be going home.

[Leela stands up.]

Leela: 'Right, [She hugs him.] see you tomorrow. [She walks away out of the room, leaving Fry deep in thought.]

Fry: 'I think Leela likes me. [He jumps in the air cheering.] Yay!

Cut to: New New York City Street. Leela is seen walking along a pavement, the sun can be seen setting in the background.

Leela: (thinking) 'Maybe, I can't believe I'm thinking this: Fry, is "the one". I'll just wait until he asks me out for sure. And I'll say yes.

The End