Futurama

Fan Fiction

Love's Labours Found In Space
By Rush

[Opening Scene: Nimbus Bridge. Zapp sits on his usual seat with Kif near by sitting at the co-ordinates controls ]

Kif: 'Sir, they're headed straight for us.

Zapp: 'A well-calculated move straight out of Sun Tzu's classic text The Art Of War, or my own masterwork: Zapp Brannigan's Big Book Of War. [He holds up the book with a picture of him on the front.] But the one thing their captain doesn't realise and never will is that--

Kif: 'Sir, they've docked with us and have come aboard.

Zapp: 'Then I have risked all and lost. Kif, old man, I'll be in the escape pod. [He gets up and heads for the door.] If that wicker chair I like survives the slaughter, have it sent to my P.O. box.

[The door opens and the Planet Express crew walk in. Zapp screams and hides behind a chair. Leela looks around and sees Kif.]

Leela: 'Hello, I'm Leela, captain of the Planet Express delivery ship. We've come aboard to plead for your assistance.

Kif: 'Well, if there's anything--

[Zapp jumps in front of Kif.]

Zapp: 'I'm in command here. Zapp Brannigan. Has my fame preceded me or was I too quick for you?

Leela: 'Oh, not at all. I'm just so, uh, really thrilled to meet you!

Zapp: 'You're an impressive piece of captain. Beautiful and deadly -- a potent combination.

Leela: (flattered) 'You don't mean that!

Zapp: 'But I do. I doubt I've seen more than three or four captains sexier than you, and only one who was deadlier.

[He takes her hand and Fry leans in.]

Fry: 'I heard that one time you single-handedly defeated a horde of rampaging somethings in the something-something-system.

Zapp: 'The Killbots? A trifle! It was simply a matter of outsmarting them.

Fry: 'Wow! I never would have thought of that!

Zapp: 'You see, Killbots have a preset kill limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them, until they reached their limit and shutdown.

Leela: (shocked) 'What?

Zapp: 'I told you, I sent wave after wave of my own--

Leela: 'Yes, I know. But why?

Zapp: 'I don't know what you're getting at?

Leela: 'You monster! Why couldn't of you just artillery them Kill-Bots at a distance or just dropped bombs on them from space without having to lose so many lives?!

Zapp: 'That would be cowardice.

Leela: 'No, it would be logical. [Turning to Fry and Bender.] Come on, let's go and save those animals on Vergon 6.

Zapp: 'I'm afraid I can't allow that. Guards!

[Guards grab Leela, Fry and Bender.]

Bender: 'Ah, crap.

Scene: Nimbus Brig. Leela touches the force field around the doorway and gets electrocuted.]

Leela: 'Ow! Well, this sucks.

Bender: 'Indeed.

[Scene: Nimbus Corridor. Zapp and Kif walk down the corridor.]

Zapp: 'Kif, follow me up to the observation deck. I've got some musing to do.

[Zapp climbs a ladder and Kif accidentally looks up his skirt.]

Kif: 'Oh, jeez!

[Scene: Nimbus Observation Deck. Zapp looks out through the dome window.]

Zapp: 'I'm facing a formidable female adversary, Kif. Suggestions?

Kif: 'I fail to see any problem, sir. You already imprisoned her under directive B-10.8-1.

Zapp: 'You mean Brannigan's Law?

Kif: 'Right, that law.

Zapp: 'Which one?

[Kif sighs.]

Kif: 'Brannigan's Law.

Zapp: 'Kif, you're my best and most loyal friend but you've earned my contempt once again. As my protégé you should know that the only way to deal with a female adversary is to seduce her. [Kif sighs.] This time we are sure she's a woman, right?

Kif: (impatiently) 'Yes.

Zapp: 'Good! Invite her to my quarters. Oh, and have the boy lay out my formal shorts.

Kif: "The boy", sir?

Zapp: 'You. You lay out my formal shorts.

[He disappears down the ladder.]

[Scene: Nimbus Corridor. Kif walks past crewmembers with Leela following him.]

Kif: 'The jackass wants to see you in his quarters.

Leela: 'Good. This will be my chance to reason with him, captain to captain.

Kif: 'And he wants you to wear this.

[Kif holds up a skimpy little outfit. Leela ignores it and knocks on Zapp's door.]

Zapp: (sexilly; from inside) Come and get it!

[Cut to: Zapp's Quarters. The doors open and Leela walks in. The room is filled with candles and red furnishings. Zapp lies on his hovering heart-shaped bed under a huge portrait of himself that is similar to the portrait of JFK.]

Zapp: 'Welcome to my humble chamber, or as I call it, "the Lovenasium". Sham-pag-in?

Leela: 'I didn't realise you were such a coin-in-a-sewer.

Zapp: 'Well I have studied abroad. Or two!

[He laughs. Leela fakes a laugh and throws her champagne on the floor while Zapp isn't looking.]

Leela: 'Captain--

Zapp: 'Uh-huh?

Leela: 'If we could speak seriously for a moment--

Zapp: 'Uh-huh?

Leela: 'I'd like you to reconsider letting us rescue those animals.

Zapp: 'Mm-hm. [He moves the bed closer to Leela. r.

Zapp: 'Well I have studied abroad. Or two!

[He laughs. Leela fakes a laugh and throws her champagne on the floor while Zapp isn't looking.]

Leela: 'Captain--

Zapp: 'Uh-huh?

Leela: 'If we could speak seriously for a moment--

Zapp: 'Uh-huh?

Leela: 'I'd like you to reconsider letting us rescue those animals.

Zapp: 'Mm-hm. [He moves the bed closer to Leela. Leela pulls the plug out of the socket and the bed falls to the floor.] I like your style. I find it very... (whispering) erotic.

Leela: 'What?

Zapp: (shouting) 'Erotic!

[Cut to: Kif's Quarters. Zapp's words echo around the ship. Kif gets frustrated and bangs the ceiling with a broom handle.]

[Scene: Nimbus Brig. Fry and Bender are still inside.]

Fry: 'We can definitely escape, Bender. All you have to do is bend the hatch off this steam pipe.

Bender: 'Hey, yeah!

[He bends the hatch off and the steam rushes out of it and starts filling the room.]

Fry: 'No good! It's full of steam!

[Scene: Zapp's Quarters. Leela impatiently paces back and forth.]

Zapp: 'You look like a woman who enjoys the finer things. Come over here and feel my velour bedspread.

Leela: 'I'm not really in the mood.

Zapp: 'Leela, it's real velour. Just let yourself go.

[He rolls over onto his back.]

Leela: 'Can I please just go back to prison?

Zapp: 'You'd rather sit in prison than spend one evening with the Zapper?

Leela: 'Much rather! [Zapp starts to cry.] What are you doing?

Zapp: (crying) 'Oh, God, I'm pathetic. Sorry. Just go. You want the rest of the sham-pag-in?

Leela: 'No. And it's pronounced "sham-pane".

Zapp: (crying) 'Oh, God, no!

Leela: 'It's not a big deal.

Zapp: (crying) 'I get so lonely. I just thought you, a fellow captain, would understand.

Leela: 'Oh, forget it.

Zapp: (crying) 'Yeah, it's great ordering people around and stuff but through it all you're completely alone.

Leela: 'It comes with the job.

Zapp: (crying) 'I'm just so lonely!

[He cries more.]

Leela: 'Oh, come on. Cheer up. It's not that--

[There is a blinding flash of light followed by the appearance of a Bending Unit.]

Leela And Zapp: 'What the?

Bending Unit: 'I'm Universe Jumping Bender in shorter words U-J-Bender, or one of the many of them. Anyway, what are you doing Leela?

Leela: (shouting) 'What am I doing?! [She pushes Zapp knocking to the ground.]

Zapp: 'How about we try that alot softer onto my bed?

Leela: 'How about no!

[Zapp stands up.]

Zapp: (angrily) 'Well then, I guess I have-to--

U-J-Bender: 'How about you just go to Jerusalem's Sexeteria?

Zapp: 'Alright, you're free to go.

[U-J-Bender disappears with a blinding flash of light.]

Scene: Nimbus Brig. Kif lets Fry and Bender out of the cell.]

Kif: 'The fatso says you're free to go.

Fry: 'Really? Why?

Kif: (quietly) "Because he's gonna get his Zapper happy some-where else.

[He smiles at Leela, then walks off.]

Fry: 'What does that mean?

Leela: 'Zapp found his love, not me.

Bender: 'So should we get our stuff and head down to the planet?

Leela: 'Yep

[Scene: The ship flies down to Vergon 6, through the green cloudy sky. The planet is surreal and Dali-like.]

[Scene: Vergon 6 Surface. Leela, Fry and Bender stand beside the ship with large nets.]

Leela: 'Alright, we don't have much time to collect these animals. The planet is supposed to collapse in approximately two hours ago.

[Montage: The crew hunt for the animals. First, Bender tries to find the purple fruit snake but it finds him first and eats him. He stands up inside the snake and drags it back to the ship. Fry tries to get the windy shrimp but it blows him away. Leela tries to get the four-legged mimic which looks like a horse but copies people's heads and movements. Fry holds a net and tries to decide which one is the mimic. Leela points at the mimic and it points back at her. Fry looks ... and throws the net over Leela. Later, Leela ticks off the final animal on the checklist.]

[Time Lapse. The checklist is filled. A small animal comes out from behind some plants. It is mostly black, has one huge nostril in the middle of it's face and a three eyes, one of them on a long stalk coming out of the middle of it's head.]

Leela: 'Hello, there. [The animal sniffs around Leela's feet.] Hmm. He doesn't seem to be on the checklist.

Bender: 'So, you're saying we can cook him?

Fry: 'Yeah, a barbecue! I'll wear my hilarious apron.

Leela: 'No! I don't care how hilarious your apron is, we're not cooking him. [She picks the thing up.] Aww! I'll call him Nibbler.

Bender: 'Aww! (whispering to Fry) I'll fire up the grill!

[Time Lapse.]

Leela: 'I hope he'll be OK in there with all those big animals.

Scene: Ships Cargo Bay. Leela opens the outer door, puts him in and closes it. The other animals surround Nibbler one large green komodo dragon like animal approaches Nibbler growling at him, he sniffs at the komodo dragon like animal and then eats him sucking up despite his far larger size than himself. The other animals make nervous noises and exchange looks backing away from Nibbler. Nibbler walks over to another animal like a mimic horse looking like a Nibblonian mimicking him. Nibbler's mouth widens then he sucks up the mimic horse like animal. All the animals break into a panic making lots of screaming noises trying to find an exit running around the room in circles as Nibbler chases after them and sucks them up one by one.

[Scene: Vergon 6 Surface. Bender carries a two-headed flamingo.]

Bender: 'I found a pair of Hermaphlamingos.

Leela: 'Good. That's the last species.

[Scene: Ships Cargo Bay. The crew look inside and gasp in horror. Nibbler sits in the empty room.]

Bender: 'Hey. What the--?

Fry: 'Where'd they all go?

[Nibbler eats the Hermaphlamingos, making lots of disgusting noises. The crew watch and cringe.]

Leela: 'Nibbler!

Fry: 'I can't believe we flew halfway across the galaxy and enjoyed a steam just to get lunch for that stupid animal!

Bender:' He's pending for a bending.

[He rolls up his sleeves and chases Nibbler. He runs to Leela and she picks him up.]

Leela: 'Leave him alone. It's not his fault that he's an unstoppable killing machine. Is it, snoogums?

[The ground shakes, rocking the ship.]

Fry: 'The planet's kerploding!

[Cut to: Vergon 6 Surface. Fry runs out through a door and falls through the ground. Bender reaches into the hole and pulls him back up.]

[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]

Leela: 'Prepare for lift-off.

[She turns the key in the ignition, and they fly away from the planet.]

Fry: 'Phew, we got out of there,

Leela: 'Yes, but we failed our mission.

Bender: 'Yeah, because of that monkey thing!

Leela: 'Yes, OK! It was me who failed the mission. And Bender, thanks for filling the tank before we left.

Bender: 'I didn't fill the tank, Fry did.

Leela: 'You did Fry?

Fry: 'Yup.

Leela: 'Good work Fry.

[There is a huge bang and the ship jerks side to side.]

Bender: 'What the hell was that?

[Scene: Ships Cargo Bay. Fry, Leela and Bender walk in to see there is a big, round, black blob in Nibbler's litter tray.]

Fry: 'Pew!

[He fans the air in front of his nose.]

Leela: 'I don't believe it! It's dark matter.

Bender: 'So this guy just unloaded a steaming pile of starship fuel?

Leela: 'His species must've filled the entire planet of Vergon 6 with it. Did you do that, you cute little thing. [There is a loud explosion sound. She walks over to a widow and looks through a pair of binoculars and sees some animals standing on a tiny fragment of rock.] Some of the animals survived!

Fry: 'Yay!

Bender: 'Stupid "will to live".

[Scene: Leela's Quarters. Leela writes in her diary wearing a sexy pink pajamas with just a pair of pink thin underpants and a pink tank top slightly more revealing then her usual white tank-top Nibbler lies on her lap and she strokes him.]

Leela: (thinking) 'Dear Captain's Diary: I may not have found love on this mission but I did find a cute little companion who excretes starship fuel. And that's just as good. [She pauses for a moment then tears the page out, screws it up and throws it in the bin full of other balls of paper.] Or maybe I have found love ... Fry? [Leela's Good and Evil conscious appear on her shoulders, on the right is an angel themed Leela, while on the left is a devil themed Leela.]

Devil Leela: 'Fry? Don't be an idiot! He lacks genetic engineering down there if you know what I mean.

Angel Leela: 'You're not that prude.

Leela: 'No, I'm not prude.

Devil Leela: 'Oh, you just have to be a sweetheart to love him for who he is don't you?

Angel Leela: 'Don't listen to her. You know in your heart you loved Fry ever since you first held his hand down in Old New York, and you know he felt the same too.

Devil Leela: 'That's true, I guess. But why not toy with his emotions, get close to him in romantic moments then just push him away, and have him kill himself?

Leela: 'What? No!

Devil Leela: [crossing her arms.] 'Oh, just jump on him and demand to have sex with him then!

Angel Leela: 'Well, not like that. She should just wait awhile till he asks her out or Leela herself, have it when she feels the time is right.

Leela: 'I'll do that Good One, thanks.

[Leela's Good and Evil conscious disappear.]

The End.

Rush: 'Hey this isn't canon, so it goes. I know this would of ruined the Zapp and Leela jokes if things went like this.

Buddies