Dogs for Rama
Scene: Outside Planet Express. Seymour and Zoidberg are about half way walking across the street, when suddenly a hover-car of some sort which can not be clearly identified other then it being the color of red, drives towards them faster than "Sonic The Hedgehog in gold form".
Zoidberg: 'Woo-woo whoop whoop! [It drives past missing the two by just about 6 inches.] Jerk!
[Zoidberg walks while Seymour runs towards Planet Express' front door, he stands up places his paws on the door, scratching it while barking excitedly until around 10 seconds later. By this time Zoidberg stands next to Seymour on the pavement; Farnsworth answers, who wears a light blue sleeping cap and a pair of white themed 101 Dalmatians pajamas.]
Farnsworth: 'Eh, wha? Who am I again? And who are you of that matter?![ Seymour barks.] Are you saying "Woaf" or "Woof", either of which what do you mean by that?
Zoidberg: 'I think he's--
Farnsworth: (shouting) 'Ahhh, Zoidberg! Get outta here! [Zoidberg crouches down scuttling off while whooping at the same time.] (normally) However you may stay, [He licks his lips.] for my research! Muahahaha, muahahaha, mmmmyeeeaaaaahhhhhsssss! Come in! Come in!
[Seymour walks in and Farnsworth presses the slam button closing the door.]
Cut to: Lounge. Fry is lying down on a couch only wearing a pair of white underwear; Farnsworth walks into the room with Seymour following. Seymour notices Fry; he jumps on to the couch on top of Fry's chest. He laughs as Seymour licks his face.
Fry: [still asleep.] 'Quit it! Ha ha ha, he he he! [His eyes open.] Seymour? [Seymour barks.] Seymour! [Fry hugs his dog while he sits up placing his feet on the floor.] Oh, the future gonna be all the better now with you!
Farnsworth: 'This you're dog? [Fry is just about to open his mouth but he cuts him short.] Impossible! How could he be--ahh, forget it I'm going back to bed.
Farnsworth: 'I'm your nephew!
Fry: 'Whatever. Any good desks I could poke through?
Farnsworth: 'Now why would you be wanting to be poking around in people's desks for?
Farnsworth: 'Incidentally try Hermes' or Zoidberg's desks.
Fry: 'Thanks. Come on Seymour!
[Fry walks out of the room with Seymour following after him; Farnsworth falls asleep standing up, then sleepwalks out of the room.]
Scene: Planet Express: Hanger. Fry is taking a shower in the Emergency Chemical Burn Shower, while Seymour walks around the room sniffing stuff.]
Scene: Hermes' Office. The room is dark and deserted. Then suddenly the door opens, with Fry who turns on the light and Seymour, who walks around the room sniffing stuff.
Fry: 'He left the door unlocked? Well let's have a look. [Fry walks over to Hermes' desk, not noticing the safe attached to the wall marked "Top Dirt On Employees", he opens a drawer and picks out a few sheets of paper.]
[Pan to Fry's eye-line looking through papers each one he's finishes with he places back in the drawer; a sheet of paper marked on top in red ink "enemies list" #1 Barbados Slim, #2 Doctor John Zoidberg. Then a series of sheets with; numbers, names, deaths of employees, fired employees, home addresses, phone numbers, email addressees, and graphs. Fry gets bored signing. He walks out of the room with Seymour following.]
Scene: Corridor. Fry enters Zoidberg Office followed by Seymour.
Cut to: Zoidberg Office. Fry searches through Zoidberg's desk opening drawers taking out sheets of paper and then placing them back inside, while Seymour walks around the room sniffing stuff.
Fry: 'Man there's lot's of stuff here. (reading) New employee Fry is a female robot, and is mean for insulting of my mother. (laughing) No, I'm's no. [He places the sheet back inside a drawer and take out another sheet.] (reading) Locations, were lot's of free food can be found; dumpsters, bins, my workplace's kitchen (if I'm not caught) the beach.] Man am I hungry now. [He walks out the door followed by his fateful companion Seymour.]
Cut to: Kitchen. Zoidberg is crouched down filling his plate with food by taking it from the fridge.
Zoidberg: [grabbing a Buggalo leg.] 'Ohh.
[Zoidberg quickly stands up.]
Zoidberg: (screaming/ dropping the plate, plus the food from the plate all over the floor.) 'Ahhhh! [He turns around to see Fry and Seymour.] Hermes I swear I ... Fry? Please don't tell on me.
Fry: [walking towards the fridge, while Seymour picks up the Buggalo leg and runs off somewhere with it.] Relax I'm not gonna tell on you, [Grabbing a ready made ham and cheese white bread sandwich.] as long as you don't tell on me.
Fry: 'Oh, and Sorry for insulting your mother.
Zoidberg: 'It's okay. I get it all the time when I ask them to open their mouth and say. [He makes the same weird noise as before to Fry in " The Series Has Landed".]
[Fry walks out of the room while taking bites out of the sandwich dropping some crumbs on the floor. Zoidberg gobbles down on the mess of food on the floor.]
Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry is asleep lying on the couch with his half eaten sandwich on the floor, next to Seymour chewing on a bone.]
Voice: 'Awww, look at the cute dog. Oh, good boy, you like that, don't you?
[Fry eyes open.]
Fry: 'Ahh! [He closes his eyes tight.] The sun! [He places his hand over his face for a few seconds before opening his eyes again to see Amy wearing a red version of her usual clothes sitting on the floor giving Seymour a belly rub who's lying on his back with his feet in the air.] (sleepily) Mummm, uh, morning Amy. [Amy stops belly rubbing Seymour, then stands up, gives Fry a light tap on the leg, Fry sits up, she takes a seat next to him.]
Amy: 'So Fry, where did you get this dog?
Fry: 'Well, he's my dog from my old life. He found me.
Fry: 'Well I don't know. Maybe--
[Leela wearing her usual clothes walks in holding a white mug of coffee.]
Leela: 'What the! [She drop her coffee onto the floor smashing, it within a second the mug regenerates itself. Seymour walks towards Leela, and drinks the spilled coffee on floor at her feet.] Fry?! Did you get that dog from the street?
Fry: 'No! He's my dog Seymour Asses.
Leela: 'Oh come on, how can it be your... Wait there's something about that dog I've seem him in one of the freezer pods before where I used to work. But how did he get into that pod in the first place?
Scruffy [standing in the doorway.] 'I guess we'll never know.
Zoidberg [standing in the other doorway.] 'Or will we?
Leela: 'Get out of here! [Zoidberg and Scruffy go out of sight.] Well, I'll be back I'm just gonna get another mug of coffee. Oh, and Fry find your clothes.
[She walks out, and Fry stands up, then walks out of the room.]
Amy: 'I wonder who was that guy with the mustache?
[Zoidberg runs past side ways whooping holding a sandwich with Hermes chasing after him gasping from running.]
Hermes: (shouting) 'Give me--[He stops in front of the TV holding his side.] my manwich back
Amy: 'This is a madhouse.
Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Bender walks up the pavement seeing many owls gathering outside his workplace.
Bender: 'Hmm, well that's odd [He takes out a cigar from his chest cabinet, burps a small bit of flame onto it's tip setting it alight. He then enters the building.]
Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Amy laughs from watching something on TV with the remote in her hand. Bender walks in and pushes Amy off the couch, causing her to drop the remote, which Bender quickly grabs in mid air.
Amy: 'Ow! [She curses in Chinese-Martian.]
[Bender lies down on the couch and puts on a show where random buildings keep exploding.]
Bender: 'Didn't see ya. Heh heh. [Amy grunts, then she walks off out of sight in a huff. Bender sees Seymour walk past the TV screen.] You're lucky you're not a cat or I'd make a Bender burger out of you.
Cut to: Kitchen. Fry wearing his clothes at a table is eating bowl of Bachelor Chow with a spoon (some of his Bachelor Chow fall onto the floor while he eats it.), Leela sits opposite him drinking a mug of coffee.
Leela: 'Fry, I'm sorry about my crankiness earlier this morning. I just hadn't had my coffee, but even so without it, I'm not always like that.
Fry: 'It's okay. [Seymour walks in with lipstick and makeup all-over him] Whoa! What happened to you?!
[Bender walks in, noticing Seymour he points and laughs.]
Bender: 'Ha ha ha ha! The dog looks like a hooker!
Farnsworth: (shouting from another room) 'Dog! Where have you gone to?! You don't nearly have enough lipstick and makeup on you!
Fry: 'Well let's get him cleaned up, then take him for a walk. [Fry stands up and walks over to a sink, opens a press from underneath taking out a basin and bottle of green washing up liquid. He places the basin in the sink. The hot tap turns it's self on automatically filling the basin.] How does the tap do that?
Leela: 'The tap's a robot Fry.
Fry: 'Oh. [He squirts some washing up liquid into the basin filling it with suds. The taps stop when the basin is 3 quarters the way full.] Em, do I have to wash him outside?
Leela: 'No, I think you can do it in the locker room next to a drain. [Leela walks up to him.] I'll carry the basin if you carry Seymour.
Scene: Locker Room. Leela carries the basin and places it on top of a drain, while Fry carries Seymour, who he begins to drop into the basin, who resists a small bit by shaking his legs. When Seymour is in the basin he looks quite sad as Fry and Leela wash him with sponges.
[Leela picks up Seymour (who's all clean now) placing him on the floor. Seymour shakes his fur splattering water onto Fry and Leela.]
Fry: 'Ahh, Seymour!
Leela: 'Stop it!
[Seymour stops and Fry and Leela both laugh.]
[About 1 week later.]
Scene: Night Time. Outside Planet Express. The hanger hatch door fully opens and nothing happens for a few seconds. Then the Planet Express ship speedily flies out going up high into the sky out of sight.]
Scene: Space. Mars comes into view. Pull back to reveal Fry standing at PE window holding Seymour in his arms.
Fry: 'Look, space is out there Seymour.
[Pan over to Bender sitting in chair not wearing a seat belt.]
Bender: 'You talking to a dog he can't understand you.
[Pan over to Leela sitting at the wheel.]
Leela: 'Well, they say dogs understand us Human more than we understand are sel--
Bender: 'They say this they say that.
Fry: 'If only those nerds who made fun of me could see me now! They'd be so jealous! Wait. I'm one.
Leela: 'Fry, stop talking to yourself.
Bender: 'Frist sign of madness.
Fry: 'Sorry. [He places Seymour down on the ground, who walks over to a dog basket in a corner and lies down in it. A sphere shaped force field appears surrounding him and the basket.] So do humans live on more than one world?
[He takes a seat at the controls to the co-ordinates, he puts on his seat belt.]
Leela: 'Yes many, in large and small colonies on worlds near and far from Earth within the known universe.
Bender: 'Unfortunately. They're like a blight to the universe I say.
Leela: 'And one of the most biggest human colonies of about 6 billion live in "Dog Doo 6" and that's near the end of the known universe.
Fry: 'What about Mars back there?
Leela: 'A few million, mostly just farmers, the biggest city on it would be Mars Vegas. [A tear falls down from her eye.] I wish I could find my home world.
Bender: (mocking) 'Oh, still looking for you're long lost people and you're mommy and daddy are we?
[Leela suddenly brakes sending Bender flying hitting the windscreen.]
Bender: [lying on the ground rubbing his head] 'Ow!
Fry: 'Always wear a seat belt, or have a force field around you
Leela: 'Indeed. There's the place.
Cut to: Outside PE. To see an brown asteroid with a huge gray, flat, bunker like, squared building taking up most of it with large hatch doors at it's middle on top. The hatch door open, the PE ship flies inside.
Cut to: Bunker's Hanger. The ship lands on a parking space in a pitch black room with only the lights from the ship illuminating the place.]
Fry: 'This place looks quite creepy!
Leela: 'Yes. I think we'll need to arm are selves to the teeth. Get the two lightsavers.
[Bender takes out a chain saw from his chest cabinet.]
Bender: 'I'll just use this nuclear powered chain saw. Plus I got the package in my cabinet.
Scene: Fry holds a ray-gun pistol, Leela with a laser combat shotgun, and Bender with a chain saw walk down the set of stairs of the ship, all three hold flash lights.
[Leela wrist thingy rings. Leela answers it.]
Voice: 'Are you Human? You're not infected are you?!
Leela: 'Not Human but Human like minded, and not infected with anything.
Voice: 'Good enough. We have to save us in we're held up in the security room at the end of the hall it. And their trying to get into us by banging on the door.
Leela: 'What is trying to get into you.
Voice: 'You won't believe this but ... zombies.
Fry: 'Zombies?! Let's get the hell outta here!
[He runs up the steps of the ship.]
Voice: 'No please! We don't wanna die.
Bender: 'How do the zombies feel about robots?
Voice: 'A robot. You'd be able to kill them and they wouldn't fight interest since they think you're a piece of metal. We can see you through the monitors so we can tell you where you need to go.
[Bender pulls the chain saw turning it on.]
Bender: 'Can borrow your wristy thingy? [Leela attaches it to Bender's arm, then walks up the steps of the ship, bringing them up.] I'll kill these should be dead things. This gonna be fun on bun and I'm gonna do it for free.
Scene Black & White Silent CCTV: Bender can be seen as he walks down a hallway cutting to pieces slow moving walking human like corpses as he goes.
Cut to CCTV: A crowd of zombies bang on a door. Bender appears on camera charging at them slicing them up.
[The door opens that the zombies were banging on. Unarmed Humans wearing jumpsuits plus a few aliens walk out.]
Cut to CCTV. Bender walks down the hallway the survivors following closely behind him. A large crowd of zombies can be seen slowly moving towards them (which Bender charges at and starts slicing them up), the survivors back away slightly looking behind them. CCTV snows a large crowd of zombies running at them.]
Cut to: CCTV outside the Planet Express. The survivors run up the steps of the ship with zombies running after them. The ship takes off (just before any zombie gets on the steps), Bender runs towards them waving his arms, the ships drops the magnet. He gets attached to it his eyes go funny. Bender waves his fist.
Scene: Planet Express Ship: Cockpit. The survivors sit on the floor while Fry who is asleep, Bender, and Leela with wrist thingy back on her arm sit in their usual seats.
Leela: 'So what happened?
Amphibiosian Survivor: 'A lot of people got killed we're the only survivors, who had nothing to do with the project. Since we're just janitors, and cleaners honestly.
Decapodian Survivor: 'A place like that needs to be destroyed.
Bender: 'Yet needs to recorded. So no one else will do the same thing again. [He picks up a notepad from the floor and begins writing with a pen.] I'll tell the DOOP about this. They believe almost anything true or not.
Leela: 'We have a doomsday device on this we can drop it on it.
Bender: 'And the package with it.
[The ship flies over the asteroid dropping a cardboard box attached by a chain onto a rocket hitting the asteroid, destroying it into pieces of super heated melted compounds.]
[About 3 weeks later.]
Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Fry opens a drawer at a desk, taking out sheets of paper looking at them, each one he finishes with he places back in the drawer such as; plans for world domination, plans for universal domination, plans for all parallel universes dominations, list of unannounced inventions to be announced to my employees in meetings, stolen inventions from other scientists, plans to steal recipe for immortality from the Omicronians, a sheet of paper marked on top in red ink "enemies list" #1 Dr. Ogden Wernstrom, #2 Mom. [Fry yawns.] I think it's time for me to go to bed. Come on Seymour.
Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry is asleep on the big table covered with a blanket. The other staff sit around it for a morning meeting. His alarm clock goes off and he reaches over and pushes Bender's antenna down.]
[He picks up the alarm clock and bends it on the table so it looks like a melted clock from Salvador Dali's artwork The Persistence Of Memory, at the same time when that was happening Seymour crawls out from under the blanket jumping onto the floor out of sight.]
Hermes: 'Fry, mon, if you and your dog are going to be living in the office you could at least be on time for work.
Fry: 'But we live here so we're always on time.
Hermes: 'Don't be a smart mouth. So why were you late then?
Fry: 'You're right, I'm sorry. We were up really late poking through people's desks, again.
[He gets up and climbs off the table.]
Hermes: 'Alright, people. I will now go through today's 17-point agenda. We'll begin with point one, then race forward--
[He is interrupted by a clattering sound.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Kitchen. Fry pours Bachelor Chow into a bowl and covers it in water.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry sits down, still in his underwear.]
Hermes: 'Concerning our pest problem: Somebody's been leaving food around and it's attracting owls. And I, for one, am getting tired of cleaning those owl traps. [A trap snaps and an owl hoots.] Now... [He flicks a button and a graph appears on the big screen. It is a straight line that inclines ever so slightly at the end.] As this shocking graph indicates, our water consumption has tripled in the last month. I notice Fry has been here for a month, so I'm appointing him head of a committee to find who's responsible. Fry? [Fry doesn't answer. He is taking a shower in the Emergency Chemical Burn Shower.] Am I cracking up, or is Fry's living here starting to get in the way of bus--
[He is interrupted again by the sound of the ships engine, which Fry uses to dry his hair. Leela hits the emergency shutdown button.]
Leela: 'What the hell are you doing? You're getting a huge dose of radiation!
Fry: [pointing to his hair] 'And great lift!
Leela: 'Do you know how long it's going to take me to recalibrate these engines?
Fry: 'Hey! When you look this good, you don't have to know anything.
Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth opens drawers, looking for something. Enter Leela, Bender, Hermes, Amy and Zoidberg.]
Leela: 'Professor, we need to talk to you about Fry.
Bender: 'That's right, we want some money-- Wait! What's this about Fry?
Leela: 'He's a nice guy but we think it's about time he got his own place.
Farnsworth: 'Oh, fuff! He's not causing any trouble. Now, if you don't mind, I'm rather busy. I seem to have mislaid my alien mummy. [He picks a small box and opens it. It is empty.] This sarcophagus should contain the remains of Emperor Nimballa, who ruled Zubin 5 over 29 million years ago.
[Fry walks past the lab eating the mummy.]
Fry: 'Hey, Professor, great jerky!
Farnsworth: 'My God, this is an outrage! I was going to eat that mummy! Fry has got to go!
Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry is slumped on the couch watching TV with Seymour lying beside him who he pets.
Announcer: [voice-over; on TV] 'Bachelor Chow, now with raisins!
[Fry changes the channel to see screaming cats in cages, Seymour barks at the TV showing his teeth.]
Commentator: [voice-over; on TV] 'These poor cats are to be--
[He changes the channel to "Everybody Loves Hypnotoad".]
Fry: 'Sheesh! 40,000 channels and only 150 have anything good on.
[He switches the channel over again. There is a sponsorship advert on the screen.]
Announcer: [voice-over; on TV] 'All My Circuits is brought to you by Robo Fresh: Designed by a robot, for a robot.
[The picture changes to two robots, Calculon and Monique, sitting on a bench.]
Calculon: [on TV] 'I've been processing this for some time, Monique, and, well, will you marry me?
Monique: [on TV] 'Oh, Calculon! [They kiss. Calculon takes out a ring box, opens it, takes out a nut and screws it onto Monique's finger.] It fits! Then you must know that I'm--
Calculon: [on TV] 'Metric? I've always known. But for you, my darling, I'm willing to convert.
[They kiss again. Another robot watches them from the bushes.]
Fry: 'Hmm, must be a friend of theirs.
[Enter Leela and Bender.]
Bender: 'Fry, we've got to discuss your living arrangements.
Leela: 'We've all talked it over and--
Bender: 'Hey, All My Circuits! Move over.
[Fry clears a space on the couch and Bender sits down and they both put their feet up.]
Leela: 'Fry, sometimes in close quarters, people do inconsiderate things without realising it.
Fry: 'I know but I forgive you.
Leela: 'No, Fry, by "close quarters" I mean this office--
Leela: 'And by "people" I mean you!
Leela: 'And by "inconsiderate" I mean--
Fry: 'Leela! We're trying to watch TV.
Bender: 'Yeah. Would you kindly shut your noise hole?
[She sighs and walks out.]
Fry: 'So, who's that weird-looking guy?
Bender: 'That's a human.
Fry: 'What's he do?
Bender: 'Eh, the usual human stuff. He laughs, he learns, he loves.
[On the TV, a door opens and Calculon walks in.]
Human Friend: [on TV] 'Calculon? I thought you were in a coma.
Calculon: [on TV] 'That's what I wanted you to think with your soft, human brain.
[From Fry's point of view, the corner of the room gets further away.]
Fry: 'Hey, uh, why is the TV getting smaller?
Bender: 'I don't know!
[Hermes, Amy, Zoidberg, Farnsworth and Leela are pushing the couch out of the room with Fry; Seymour and Bender still on it.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. They toss Fry; Seymour and Bender and the couch outside the front door and go back inside.]
Hermes: 'We'll bill you for the couch.
Scene: Outside Food-O-Mat. Fry; Seymour and Bender are thrown out the front door by robot security guards that look like buff up protocol droids like See-Threepio from Star Wars. The weather outside is quite windy yet sill sunny.
Robot Security Guard: 'No dogs allowed!
Bender: 'Come on! I know a place they do.
Scene: New New York City Street. Fry; Seymour and Bender enter a run down building with a sign over it's door "Michael's Den". People outside it stagger about laughing and shouting.
Scene: Michael's Den. It's a dark room with wooden floors, filled with smoke so barely anything can be seen, traditional Irish music playing in the background (the customers (mostly human) that can be seen are laughing drinking pints of beer and smoking sitting on stools around tables, and having fist fights and throwing their pints smashing them. Also dogs can be seen walking about the place).
Man (shouting/ speaking in a stereotype Irish accent) Bets! Get your bets here! Who will win the first fight?
[Many people that can be seen start shouting and raising money in the air.]
[Pan over to Fry with Seymour lying on his lap who he pets and Bender are seated on stools around a table in a corner.]
Bender: 'Cheer up, meatbag. You've barely touched your mash spuds.
Fry: (down) 'It [He pushes the bowl of mash potato aside.] looked good but I just don't feel like eating. You want it?
Bender: 'Nah, I'm trying to watch my input. I need plenty of wholesome, nutritious alcohol. [He drinks a glass.] The chemical energy keeps my fuel cells charged.
[He lights up himself a cigar using his middle finger as a lighter.]
Fry: 'What are the cigars for?
Bender: 'They make me look cool.
Fry: 'I can't believe they threw me out like that. I must have been really acting like a jerk.
Bender: 'Yeah, but everybody's a jerk. You, me, that jerk. [He points over his shoulder at a tall strong bald headed man wearing a black leather jacket with a thick ginger beard who raises his fist.] Sorry! [The man lowers his fist.] That's my philosophy. So, where you gonna stay?
Fry: 'I don't know. Do refrigerators still come in cardboard boxes?
Bender: 'Yeah, but the rents are outrageous. Why don't you just come move in with me?
Fry: 'Really? That'd be great! You sure I won't be imposing?
Bender: 'Nah, I've always wanted a pet that had a pet of it's own.
[They get up and walk through the bar. When they open a door smoke rushes out.]
Scene: Robot Arms Apartments Corridor.Fry, Seymour and Bender walk down the corridor until Bender suddenly stops outside a door numbered "01100111010111100101001 ".
Bender: 'Here we are. Your new home.
Fry: 'Cool! Y'know, I've never even seen a robot's apartment before.
Bender: 'Come on in, I'll give you the tour!
[Cut to: Bender's Apartment. He unlocks the door, walks in, and turns on the light. Fry follows followed by Seymour. They are not impressed. It's a very tight squeeze.]
Bender: 'Let's see, where to start. OK, this is the TV area, that over there's the breakfast nook, and over here is where you'll be living which is great because, until now, it's just been wasted space.
Fry: 'It's sorta cramped in here. I don't even have room to hang my clothes.
Bender: 'Look, buddy, you've only got one set of clothes and you're not taking them off while I'm here. Well, I'm bushed. G'night.
[He turns the light off and goes to sleep.]
Fry: 'Wait, Bender. Bender?
Bender: (sleep-talking) 'Kill all humans ... kill all humans ... must kill all the humans.
Fry: 'Bender, wake up!
[He wakes up and yawns.]
Bender: 'I was having the most wonderful dream. I think you were in it.
Fry: 'Uh, listen, Bender. Uh, where's your bathroom?
Bender: 'Oh, through the closet to the left!
[He pushes a button and a door swings open to reveal a large living space. Fry and Seymour walk into it.]
Fry: 'Wow! This is huge! Bender, why don't we just live in here?
Bender: 'In a closet? Oh, Dogs and Humans!
[Scene: Planet Express: Hangar. Leela and Amy work on the ships port wing. Bender walks past, whistling.]
Leela: 'We sure are cheerful this morning.
Bender: 'Yeah, this past week with Fry's and his dog been a blast! Y'know, beneath his warm, sunny exterior beats the cold, mechanical heart of a robot.
[Bender walks off, whistling. Fry and with Seymour following come into view.]
Leela: 'So are you settling in OK Fry?
Fry: 'Ah, it's being great! I'm able to walk around in my underpants and drink beer.
Leela: 'You sure are easily pleased.
Fry: 'Hey it's not that all the good. All I got is a bathroom with a shower and sink and toilet, no heating yet, no TV yet, and a dirty old mattress with only one blanket to sleep on, the place is almost bare. Yeah... so what's are work for to day?
Leela: 'No deliveries just filling out papers and fixing the ship. Why?
Fry: 'Just asking.
[He walks off with Seymour following.]
Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Bender is sitting on the couch watching a show where random stars and planets keep exploding in space, Fry walks in followed by Seymour.
Bender: 'Yo Fry?
Bender: 'Wanna watch explodies, Universe version?
Fry: 'Sounds good.
[Fry takes a seat next to Bender, Seymour jumps on Fry's lap.]
Bender: (shouting) 'Oh did you see that explosion?!
Fry: (shouting) 'Yeah it was so cool. Oh look, another one!
Bender: (shouting) 'Yeah! Freaking gold! Oh, look there's another one.
Bender: (shouting) 'And another one! Oh, this never get's old, does it?
Fry: (shouting) 'No it doesn't! Look there's another one! [Leela from behind them with the remote switches off the TV.] Hey, we were watching that!
Leela: 'You've been watching that same repetitive crap for hours! Doesn't it get boring?
Fry & Bender: 'No.
[Farnsworth walks past talking on the phone.]
Farnsworth: 'Oh, how awful. Did he at least die painlessly? To shreds, you say. Well, how is his wife holding up? To shreds, you say. Very well then. [He hangs up.] Sad, sad, terrible, gruesome news about my colleague, Dr. Mobutu.
Bender: 'And that's important to the plot of my life in some way? I think not.
Fry: 'Well, let's go to work.
Farnsworth: 'Work is over Fry. But you can still hang around here until it's time for me to go to bed.
Fry: 'Thanks. Leela wanna watch something?
Leela: 'Yeah, the news.
[She sits in between Bender and Fry and presses a button on the remote, turning the TV back on, snowing Linda and Morbo in the newsroom.]
Linda: 'In to day's news. [Sounds of snoring, Fry and Bender are asleep. Leela signs and starts petting Seymour who crawls onto her lap.]
Morbo: 'Pitiful weak blight on the universe Humans have reported to have being seeing strange sighting of flashes of light along with the appearances of Bending Units on the puny Human's home-world aka Earth on it's pathetically small mountain "Mount Everest", Linda.
Linda: 'Thanks Morbo . And those Bending Units appear and fall down it, as seen in this amateur video clip from a hover-car.
[On TV. Everest's peak can be seen there are sounds of screeching wind blowing, and a engine humming. There's a blinding flash of light followed by an appearance of Bending Unit, who slips and falls down the mountain.]
U-J-Bender: [on TV] (screaming)'Ahhh--[hits his head against the mountain.] Ow! [sounds of laughter from the cameraman] Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh--[takes a breath] Ahhhhhhhh--[hits his head against the mountain again] Ow! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh--[takes a breath again] Ahhhhhhhhhhhh--[hits his head against the mountain] Ow! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh--[takes a breath] Ahhhhhhhhhhhh--[hits his head against the mountain] Ow!
[There is a blinding flash of light followed by the disappearance of U-J-Bender.]
Leela: (laughing) 'He sounds just like are Bender. [Leela's wrist arm thingy rings.] Oh, that must be Dong. [She walks out to answer it in private.]
Scene: Robot Arms Apartments. Fry's and Bender's Lounge. Fry, Seymour and Bender stand near the main window.
Fry: 'What's with all the boxes?
Bender: 'It's loads of cool stuff Roberto gave me, since he's gonna be in the asylum for criminally insane robots for along time, and most importantly he gave us a couch plus a TV.
Bender: 'I got some guys to have are cable installed in a week, so let's get the stuff out and set-up the room with it.
Scene: Restaurant. Leela wearing a dark purple slightly revealing dress sits at a table with a date, a man called Doug wearing a suit.]
Leela: 'This place was a great choice. The food is amazing. And such generous portions.
Doug: 'You like the meal just wait until you try these after-dinner mints.
Leela: 'You know, Doug, most guys are put off by my eye. It's nice to finally meet someone who's open-minded. [They gaze across the table into each other's eyes. Without averting his gaze, Doug slips out a long pink tongue and licks up the mint.] Ew!
Scene: Morning: New New York City Street. Fry walks down a pavement with a red dog leash attached to Seymour's collar who walks slightly ahead of Fry.]
Fry: 'Isn't the future amazing Seymour? ... Seymour? [Seymour stops in his tracks staring at a bald man at the end of the street wearing a white robe with the number 9 on it.] Hm, weird.
Scene: Planet Express: Kitchen. Amy, Leela wearing her usual clothes and Fry stand around drinking coffee. Seymour is drinking out of small red double tub the other half containing dried dog food nuts, the tub itself is marked "Seymour".]
Fry: 'What was wrong with your date last night?
Leela: 'I don't know. Something I couldn't quite put my finger on. Possibly his vile lizard tongue.
Amy: 'You're too picky.
Fry: 'Yeah. If you rule out every guy with a lizard tongue or a low I.Q. or an explosive violent temper, of course you're gonna be lonely.
Leela: 'There's nothing wrong with having high standards. Now can we please stop--
[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Amy, Fry and Leela walk in. The others sit around the table.]
Zoidberg: 'The female Leela's problem is purely medical. Soon she will drop her eggs and they will hatch and all will be well.
[Amy, Leela and Fry sit down at the table.]
Amy: 'You just have to give guys a chance. Sometimes you meet a guy and think he's a pig, but then later you realise he actually has a really good body.
Leela: 'Thank you all for the inspiring advice, but I'm perfectly happy with my life the way it is.
Bender: 'That sounds like a cry for help.
Amy: 'Let's all take her out tonight. There's lots of great places to meet people.
Hermes: 'The Federal Sex Bureau.
Bender: 'A saucy puppet show.
Zoidberg: 'The rotting carcass of a whale.
Bender: 'And Michael's Den for Fry's dog!
Amy: 'Hmm, I'll pick!
Fry: 'But before we go who will look after Seymour?
Scruffy: [from door.] 'I will.
Fry: 'Who are you?
Scruffy: 'Scruffy, the janitor.
Fry: 'Ok! Scruffy, you look after him.
[Scene: The Hip Joint. A nightclub on Jetsons-esque stilts with hovering platforms and strobe lighting. Everyone except Fry is wearing outfits with grooby rings.]
Amy: 'Oh, wow! It's totally retro!
Fry: 'Why's everyone wearing those rings?
Amy: 'Guh! Because nobody wears them anymore! Rings are stupid!
Fry: 'I think they look cool.
Amy: 'Sh! Don't let anyone hear you say that!
Man: 'Hey, did that guy just say rings are cool?
Amy: 'Nope, he said they're stupid.
[The man thumbs-ups.]
[Time Lapse. Leela, Amy and Bender sit at a table with drinks.]
Amy: 'So what do you think of that guy by the bar?
Leela: 'I don't know. Maybe?
Bender: 'Forget it, he's gay.
Leela: 'What? How can you tell?
Bender: 'I just know these things. I've got what they call gaydar.
Leela: 'There's no such thing.
Bender: 'No? [He pulls out a machine with a small antenna on it from his chest cabinet. The antenna swivels around.] OK, I got a lock on him. [The machine beeps.] Yep! He's gay!
Amy: 'Are you sure?
Bender: 'Definitely. Unless I'm getting interference from a gay weather balloon.
[Fry talks to 21st century woman at the bar.]
21st Century Woman: 'You're from the 20th century? That's incredible! I'm from the 21st century.
Fry: 'No way! We've got so much in common.
21st Century Woman: 'We sure do. Remember when the Combine had taken over the universe, and made subspecies out of us, not allowing us to procreate trying to slowly but surely wipe us out?
Fry: 'Uh, yeah! That rings a bell.
21st Century Woman: 'I read in history that some mythical alien raise called the Nibblonians.
21st Century Woman: 'Well it is said they liberated the whole universe defeating the Combine and hunted down and wiped out almost all the foreign parallel species they brought with them. They even drove the Combine back to their own universe through the portal they came through and sealed it shut. But no one really knows, since everyone's dead from that time, well mostly just a few freezies like you and me. Also no one remembers it. It as if the whole universe suffered amnesia.
Fry: 'Wow! That's an amazing story I missed out in a lot, didn't I?
[Back at the table, a well-built man has joined the others.]
Amy: 'This is Bolt Rolands. Bolt is a hyper-sled racer with 10 wins on the pro-circuit.
Bolt: 'Hello, beautiful!
Bender: (whispering) 'I think she means 10 wins on the gay circuit.
Bolt: 'I wish! Those cats can really fly.
[Zoidberg sits alone at the bar. He tries to pick up a drink but his claws just knock the glass over. He folds his arms and sulks. A lobster in a tank catches his eye and he stares and smiles, lovestruck. At the table, a green cloud hovers where Bolt was.]
Amy: 'This is M-5438, an entity of pure energy.
Leela: 'That's great, really, but he's just not what I'm looking for.
M-5438: 'I understand. One day you will evolve beyond your physical body, and on that day I hope you will pick up the phone.
[He flies away. Amy sighs.]
Amy: 'You're impossible.
[Bender's gaydar beeps.]
Bender: 'Just as well; I think he comes from a dimension that's big on musical theatre.
[Scene: Outside The Hip Joint. Everyone is leaving: Amy with M-5438, Zoidberg with the lobster and Fry with the 21st century woman. Bender is already outside.]
Fry: 'Pst. I need the apartment tonight. Go see a saucy puppet show.
[He hands Bender some cash.]
Bender: 'Can do!
Scene: The Hip Joint. Leela is the only person left in the room. A janitor passes by her table, sweeping.
Janitor: 'My, my, my! What's a beautiful lady like you-- [Leela looks up.] Oh, my! Eurgh! I'm sorry, I thought you had two eyes.
[He runs off.]
Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. It's the next morning and everyone sits around the table drinking coffee.
Bender: 'So, Leela, you must have had your pick of the litter last night at closing time.
Leela: 'Could you guys please stop talking about my personal life?
Farnsworth: Yes, let's all talk about Leela's personal life later right in front of her. But right now we have business to attend to.
Fry: 'A delivery?
Farnsworth: 'No. A tax-deductible mission of charity.
[He flicks a switch, the lights dim and a translucent holographic image of a planet is projected over the table.]
Computer Voice: 'This is Vergon 6.
Farnsworth: 'This is Vergon 6.
Amy: (sarcastic) 'Buh!
Farnsworth: 'It's a sunny little doomed planet, inhabited by a number of frisky little doomed animals.
Farnsworth: 'That's right. Animals in desperate need of rescue. You see, Vergon 6 was once filled with a super-dense substance known as dark matter, each pound of which weighs over ten thousand pounds.
[Holographic dark matter fill the planet.]
Leela: 'Wait! What about the animals?
Farnsworth: 'Well, dark matter is extremely valuable as starship fuel. That's why it was all mined out, leaving the planet completely hollow.
[The holographic dark matter dwindles to nothing.]
Leela: 'Yes, but what about the animals?
Farnsworth: 'The wha?
Leela: 'The animals.
Farnsworth: 'I didn't say anything about animals. Now it seems that the planet will collapse within three days. Incidentally, this will kill all the animals.
Leela: 'So we have to bring back two of each kind. Just like Noah's Ark.
Bender: 'Why two? [Leela whispers something to him.] Oh!
Scene: Ships Cockpit. The ship is on route to the planet. Bender and Fry sit on opposite sides of the cockpit. They lean across to talk. While over in a corner Seymour lies asleep in a dog basket surrounded by a sphere shaped force field.
Fry: 'I bet you Leela's holding out for a nice guy with one eye.
Bender: 'That'll take forever. What she oughta do is find a nice guy with two eyes, then poke one out.
Fry: 'Yeah, that'd be a timesaver.
[Leela is sat right behind them.]
Leela: 'Do you mind?
Bender: 'Here you go. [He pulls out a fork.] You can use this as an eye-poker.
Leela: 'Thank you. But I don't care how many eyes a man has ... as long as it's less than five. All I'm looking for is a guy who's adventurous, self-confident...
[Cut to: Outside Ship. The ship flies on.]
Leela: (from ship) ...maybe a snappy dresser.
[As the ship flies away, a large ship, the Nimbus, flies over the top.]
[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge. The captain, Zapp Brannigan, stands admiring himself while Kif sits to his left at the controls to the co-ordinates. They both wear red DOOP uniforms.
Zapp: 'These new uniforms are pretty snappy, eh, first officer?
Kif: 'I suppose, Captain. I'm not as big a fan of velour as you are. Now what do you want to do about that unidentified ship?
[The Planet Express ship flies across the view screen.]
Zapp: 'Destroy them! [As he raises his arm he flexes his muscle. He stops to feel it.] Mmm! That's got a nice feel to it.
Zapp: 'Captain's journal: Star date, 3000.3.
Kif: 'Who are you talking to, sir?
Zapp: 'You! Aren't you getting this? [Kif sighs and scurries to a typing machine. Zapp dictates.] We have detected a vessel attempting to break the security cordon around Vergon 6. I'm anticipating an all-out tactical dogfight, followed by a light dinner ... ravioli, ham, sundae bar.
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. The crew see the Nimbus through the windscreen.]
Leela: 'Hey, look! That's Zapp Brannigan's ship.
Fry: 'Wow! Thee Zapp Brannigan?
Fry: 'Who's thee Zapp Brannigan?
[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge. Zapp and Kif watch the ship approach.]
Kif: 'Shall I fire on them now, sir?
Zapp: 'Not yet, Kif. In the game of chess, you can never let your adversary see your pieces. [Kif sighs.] What?
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]
Leela: 'They say Zapp Brannigan single-handedly saved the Octillian system from a horde of rampaging Killbots.
Bender: (sad) 'A grim day for robot-kind. (upbent) Ah, but we can always build more Killbots!
Leela: 'He's the most decorated captain in the whole Democratic Order Of Planets.
Fry: (teasing) 'Leela's got a boyfriend!
Leela: 'No I don't. But I think we ought to meet with him and see if he'll help us rescue those animals.
Bender: 'Well, just in case you guys hit it off, you'll wanna take this with you.
[He holds up the fork.]
[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.]
Kif: 'Sir, they're headed straight for us.
Zapp: 'A well-calculated move straight out of Sun Tzu's classic text The Art Of War, or my own masterwork: Zapp Brannigan's Big Book Of War. [He holds up the book with a picture of him on the front.] But the one thing their captain doesn't realise and never will is that--
Kif: 'Sir, they've docked with us and have come aboard.
Zapp: 'Then I have risked all and lost. Kif, old man, I'll be in the escape pod. [He gets up and heads for the door.] If that wicker chair I like survives the slaughter, have it sent to my P.O. box.
[The door opens and the Planet Express crew walk in. Zapp screams and hides behind a chair. Leela looks around and sees Kif.]
Leela: 'Hello, I'm Leela, captain of the Planet Express delivery ship. We've come aboard to plead for your assistance.
Kif: 'Well, if there's anything--
[Zapp jumps in front of Kif.]
Zapp: 'I'm in command here. Zapp Brannigan. Has my fame preceded me or was I too quick for you?
Leela: 'Oh, not at all. I'm just so, uh, really thrilled to meet you!
Zapp: 'You're an impressive piece of captain. Beautiful and deadly -- a potent combination.
Leela: (flattered) 'You don't mean that!
Zapp: 'But I do. I doubt I've seen more than three or four captains sexier than you, and only one who was deadlier.
[He takes her hand and Fry leans in.]
Fry: 'I heard that one time you single-handedly defeated a horde of rampaging somethings in the something-something-system.
Zapp: 'The Killbots? A trifle! It was simply a matter of outsmarting them.
Fry: 'Wow! I never would have thought of that!
Zapp: 'You see, Killbots have a preset kill limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them, until they reached their limit and shutdown. Kif, show them the medal I won. [Kif sighs and points to a medal on Zapp's uniform.]
[Scene: Nimbus Mess Hall. Leela, Zapp, Fry and Bender sit at a table, looking down at the rest of the crew who are eating. Kif grates cheese over Zapp's food.]
Zapp: 'More, please. [Kif grates.] A little more ... more ... keep going.
[He carries on.]
Leela: 'Captain Brannigan, we really need to talk to you about our mission.
Zapp: 'Whatever it is, I'm willing to put wave after wave of men at your disposal. Right, men?
[He raises his glass to the crew.]
Crewman: (shouting) 'You suck!
Leela: 'We're hoping to save the animals of Vergon 6 from extinction. And if you could just--
[Zapp spits out his drink.]
Zapp: 'Vergon 6? This light dinner is over.
Leela: 'Wait! What's wrong?
Zapp: 'The Democratic Order Of Planets prohibits interfering with undeveloped worlds. It's a little rule known as "Brannigan's Law".
Leela: 'But people already interfered. That planet was mined completely hollow.
Zapp: 'Yes, by a Democratic Order Of Planets mining crew.
Leela: 'This doesn't make any sense.
Zapp: I don't pretend to understand Brannigan's Law. I merely enforce it.
Leela: 'Fine! We'll save the animals without your help.
Zapp: 'I'm afraid I can't allow that. Guards!
[Guards grab Leela, Fry and Bender.]
Fry: 'What just happened?
Bender: 'He's throwing us in prison.
Fry: 'Dang! Can I get this wrapped up?
[He holds up his plate and Zapp nods.]
[Scene: Nimbus Brig. Leela touches the force field around the doorway and gets electrocuted.]
Leela: 'Ow! I might've liked Zapp Brannigan if he weren't a pompous dimwit who threw me in prison.
Bender: 'You really are too picky.
[Scene: Nimbus Corridor.]
Zapp: 'Kif, follow me up to the observation deck. I've got some musing to do.
[Zapp climbs a ladder and Kif accidentally looks up his skirt.]
Kif: 'Oh, jeez!
[Scene: Nimbus Observation Deck. Zapp looks out through the dome window.]
Zapp: 'I'm facing a formidable female adversary, Kif. Suggestions?
Kif: 'I fail to see any problem, sir. You already imprisoned her under directive B-10.8-1.
Zapp: 'You mean Brannigan's Law?
Kif: 'Right, that law.
Zapp: 'Which one?
Kif: 'Brannigan's Law.
Zapp: 'Kif, you're my best and most loyal friend but you've earned my contempt once again. As my protégé you should know that the only way to deal with a female adversary is to seduce her. [Kif sighs.] This time we are sure she's a woman, right?
Kif: (impatiently) 'Yes!
Zapp: 'Good! Invite her to my quarters. Oh, and have the boy lay out my formal shorts.
Kif: '"The boy", sir?
Zapp: 'You. You lay out my formal shorts.
[He disappears down the ladder.]
[Scene: Nimbus Corridor. Kif walks past crewmembers with Leela following him.]
Kif: 'The jackass wants to see you in his quarters.
Leela: 'Good. This will be my chance to reason with him, captain to captain.
Kif: 'And he wants you to wear this.
[Kif holds up a skimpy little outfit. Leela ignores it and knocks on Zapp's door.]
Zapp: (sexfully; from inside) 'Come and get it!
[Cut to: Zapp's Quarters. The doors open and Leela walks in. The room is filled with candles and red furnishings. Zapp lies on his hovering heart-shaped bed under a huge portrait of himself that is similar to the portrait of JFK.]
Zapp: 'Welcome to my humble chamber, or as I call it, "the Lovenasium". Sham-pag-in?
Leela: 'I didn't realise you were such a coin-a-sewer.
Zapp: 'Well I have studied abroad. Or two!
[He laughs. Leela fakes a laugh and throws her champagne on the floor while Zapp isn't looking.]
Leela: 'If we could speak seriously for a moment--
Leela: 'I'd like you to reconsider letting us rescue those animals.
Zapp: 'Mm-hm. [He moves the bed closer to Leela. Leela pulls the plug out of the socket and the bed falls to the floor.] I like your style. I find it very... (whispering) erotic.
Zapp: (shouting) 'Erotic!
[Cut to: Kif's Quarters. Zapp's words echo around the ship. Kif gets frustrated and bangs the ceiling with a broom handle.]
[Cut to: Kif's Quarters. Zapp's words echo around the ship. Kif gets frustrated and bangs the ceiling with a broom handle.]
[Scene: Nimbus Brig. Fry and Bender are still inside.]
Fry: 'We can definitely escape, Bender. All you have to do is bend the hatch off this steam pipe.
Bender: 'Hey, yeah!
[He bends the hatch off and the steam rushes out of it and starts filling the room.]
Fry: 'No good! It's full of steam!
[Scene: Zapp's Quarters. Leela impatiently paces back and forth.]
Zapp: 'You look like a woman who enjoys the finer things. Come over here and feel my velour bedspread.
Leela: 'I'm not really in the mood.
Zapp: 'Leela, it's real velour. Just let yourself go.
[He rolls over onto his back.]
Leela: 'Can I please just go back to prison?
Zapp: 'You'd rather sit in prison than spend one evening with the Zapper?
Leela: 'Much rather! [Zapp starts to cry.] What are you doing?
Zapp: (crying) 'Oh, God, I'm pathetic. Sorry. Just go. You want the rest of the sham-pag-in?
Leela: 'No. And it's pronounced "sham-pane".
Zapp: (crying) 'Oh, God, no!
Leela: 'It's not a big deal.
Zapp: (crying) 'I get so lonely. I just thought you, a fellow captain, would understand.
Leela: 'Oh, forget it.
Zapp: (crying) 'Yeah, it's great ordering people around and stuff but through it all you're completely alone.
Leela: 'It comes with the job.
Zapp: (crying) 'I'm just so lonely!
[He cries more.]
Leela: 'Oh, come on. Cheer up. It's not that bad.
[Scene: Nimbus Brig. The room is still full of steam.]
Fry: 'You wanna try escaping again?
Bender: 'Nah, I'm comfy.
[They are wearing towels enjoying the steam room they've created.]
Fry: 'Man, Leela's been gone a long time. I hope she's at least making progress with Zapp Brannigan.
[Cut to: Zapp's Quarters. The morning after the night before... Leela wakes up. She turns her head and sees she's lying in Zapp's bed. With him. He is still asleep and has a big grin on his face. She screams.]
[Time Lapse. Leela has dressed and is sneaking out. Zapp wakes up.]
Zapp: 'Good morning, lover.
Leela: 'Uh, listen, Zapp.
Zapp: 'Now you're officially my woman. Kudos! I can't say I don't envy you.
Leela: 'Zapp, last night was a mistake.
Zapp: 'A sexy mistake.
Leela: 'No, just a regular mistake. For a split second my common sense was overwhelmed by pity.
Zapp: 'A split second is all it takes. That's why sooner or later you'll come crawling back to the Zapper.
Leela: 'The only kind of crawling I'm doing to you is away ... from!
Zapp: 'Leela, you're obviously confused and aroused.
Leela: 'Look, I'm going down to Vergon 6 to save those animals whether you like it or not.
Zapp: 'Go ahead. I won't stop you.
Leela: 'Threaten all you-- Wait. What?
Zapp: 'We both know you won't make it halfway to Vergon 6 before the craving sets in. Then you'll come crawling back for another taste of sweet, sweet candy ... bam!
[He points at his crotch.]
[She storms out. Zapp chuckles.]
Zapp: (shouting) 'Kif!
[Kif appears in the doorway.]
Kif: 'Yes-- [He groans and looks away. Zapp is standing up holding the bed sheet over his crotch.] Yes, Captain?
Zapp: 'I have made it with a woman. Inform the men.
[Scene: Nimbus Brig. Kif lets Fry and Bender out of the cell.]
Kif: 'The fatso says you're free to go.
Fry: 'Really? Why?
Kif: (quietly) '"Why" indeed.
[He looks at Leela then walks off.]
Fry: 'What does that mean?
Leela: (defensively) 'Nothing.
Bender: 'So should we get our stuff and head down to the planet?
Leela: (defensively) 'We just talked, OK?!
[Scene: Vergon 6 Surface. Leela, Fry and Bender stand beside the ship with large nets.]
Leela: 'Alright, we have a little amount of time to collect these animals. The planet is supposed to collapse in approximately two hours ago.
[Montage: The crew hunt for the animals. First, Bender tries to find the purple fruit snake but it finds him first and eats him. He stands up inside the snake and drags it back to the ship. Fry tries to get the windy shrimp but it blows him away. Leela tries to get the four-legged mimic which looks like a horse but copies people's heads and movements. Fry holds a net and tries to decide which one is the mimic. Leela points at the mimic and it points back at her. Fry looks ... and throws the net over Leela. Later, Leela ticks off the final animal on the checklist.]
[Time Lapse. The checklist is filled. A small animal comes out from behind some plants. It is mostly black, has one huge nostril in the middle of it's face and a three eyes, one of them on a long stalk coming out of the middle of it's head.]
Leela: 'Hello, there. [The animal sniffs around Leela's feet.] Hmm. He doesn't seem to be on the checklist.
Bender: 'So, you're saying we can cook him?
Fry: 'Yeah, a barbecue! I'll wear my hilarious apron.
Leela: 'No! I don't care how hilarious your apron is, we're not cooking him. [She picks the thing up.] Aww! I'll call him Nibbler.
Bender: 'Aww! (whispering to Fry) I'll fire up the grill!
Leela: 'I hope he'll be OK in there with all those big animals.
Scene: Ships Cargo Bay. Leela opens the outer door, puts him in and closes it. The other animals surround Nibbler one large green komodo dragon like animal approaches Nibbler growling at him, he sniffs at the komodo dragon like animal and then eats him sucking up despite his far larger size than himself. The other animals make nervous noises and exchange looks backing away from Nibbler. Nibbler walks over to another animal like a mimic horse looking like a Nibblonian mimicking him. Nibbler's mouth widens then he sucks up the mimic horse like animal. All the animals break into a panic making lots of screaming noises trying to find an exit running around the room in circles as Nibbler chases after them and sucks them up one by one.
Cut to: Cockpit. Seymour lying in his basket is dreaming kicking his legs, then wakes up barking from the noise going on in the Cargo Bay. He jumps out of his basket and runs through a cat lap attached to the exit of the cockpit.
Scene: Ships Cargo Bay. Seymour runs into the Cargo Bay barking. To find Nibbler sucking down on the last animal which is an elephant sized animal which can't be clearly made out other than be colored blue. Seymour becomes terrified looking as Nibbler turns around and walks towards him. Seymour barks once in a cry like way, then he starts whimpering leaning down on the floor in a submission like state.
Nibbler: 'Never fear the Mighty One aka Philip J. Fry's dog aka Seymour Asses, I don't intend to eat you, nor will I ever. And nor will the rest of my species if you ever come into contact with them. If I however did or any other member of my species ate you it would have severe emotional, psychological effects towards the people who love you and especially the Mighty One aka Philip J. Fry. Wait, I'm talking to a dog? He can't possibly understand anyone of the words I'm saying to him and had said to him. But maybe, perhaps this will work. [Nibbler walks over to Seymour still in a submission like state on the floor whimpering, and pets him.] There there. [Seymour licks Nibbler's hand. From behind them; Fry carrying a Hermaphlamingos, Leela and Bender walk in and gasp in horror from the outer door.]
Bender: 'Hey. What the--?
Fry: 'Where'd they all go?
Leela: 'Hmmm. [She notices Nibbler and Seymour.] Aww, look Nibbler's petting your dog Fry.
Fry: 'Yeah, he is? [Fry places down the Hermaphlamingos. Nibbler sniffs the air, then jumps at the Hermaphlamingos and sucks it up.] Ok?
Bender: 'So that's why the other meatbags are gone. Well I guess I'm not to angry if though I feel like killing that rat thing now.
Leela: [She grabs Nibbler.] 'No! [Quickly raising her leg.] Hi-yah!
[She kicks Bender in the face knocking him over onto the floor.]
Bender: [rubbing his head.] 'Ow! [He gets back up onto his foot-cuffs.] Please. You gotta stop hurting me, seriously.
[The ground shakes, rocking the ship.]
Fry: 'The planet's kerploding!
Leela: 'Quick into the cockpit.
[All four rush inside.]
Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Seymour is in his basket wide awake, while with the sphere shaped force field around him and the basket, Fry and Bender sit in their normal seats, Leela is at the wheel with Nibbler at her feet.
Leela: 'Prepare for lift-off. [She turns the key in the ignition but the engine doesn't start. The fuel gauge reads empty.] We're out of fuel. Bender, I told you to fill the tank before we left.
Bender: 'Yeah, I'll do it when we get back.
[The ground shakes again.]
Fry: 'Man, lucky for us Zapp Brannigan's nearby.
Leela: 'No way! Forget it! I refuse to go crawling back to him!
Fry: 'What? What are you talking about?
Leela: (defensively) 'Nothing. We just talked.
Bender: 'So what's your problem? It's not like you slept with him. [Leela hangs her head in shame.] Oh, you're God! Why did you not make a pay with credit card number to see porn video for the Internet doing it with him? You'll make lot's of money that way to counteract the fact that you slept with him! Since he's gonna tell everyone everywhere anyway what have you got to lose?
Fry: 'How, how could you, Leela? I thought you had some standards. I mean, jeez, he's a dumb, gross ape!
Leela: 'That's enough! Don't you think I feel bad enough already?
[The ground shakes violently.]
Leela: 'Alright, alright. I'll call him. [She presses a button and the videophone comes down.] I mean, if living is that important to you.
[Scene: Nimbus Bridge.]
Zapp: 'And that's why you'll never make captain, Kif. ["Incoming Message" repeatedly flashes on the view screen.] Hmm.
[Leela's face appears.]
Leela: [on screen] 'Hello, Zapp?
Zapp: 'Well, well, well!
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]
Leela: 'Zapp, we're out of fuel...
[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.]
Leela: [on screen] '...and Vergon 6 is about to implode. We need your help.
Zapp: 'So, crawling back to the Big Z like a bird on its belly. Delicious.
Leela: [on screen] 'Bird's don't crawl.
Zapp: 'They've been known to.
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]
Leela: 'Look, are you going to rescue us or not?
Zapp: [on screen] 'Can't you ask a little more ... sexfully?
[Fry and Bender make encouragig gestures at Leela.]
Leela: (sexfully) 'Please?
[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.]
Leela: [sexfully; on screen] 'Big Z?
Zapp: 'Certainly. But first you'll have to get rid of that blackish space monkey thing. [He points at Nibbler] That's the law, Leela. And Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's love: Hard and fast!
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]
Zapp: [on screen] 'Now put that greasy rat outside and we'll tow you to safety.
Leela: 'I would never abandon a helpless animal. Y'know, Zapp, once I thought you were a big, pompous buffoon. Then I realised that inside you were just a pitiful child. But now I realise that outside that child is a big, pompous buffoon!
Zapp: [on screen] 'And which one rocked your world?
[Leela growls and slams down the receiver and his face fizzles off the screen.]
Fry: 'Wow! Way to tell that guy off. Now what's your secret escape plan?
Leela: 'Uh, I guess to sit here and wait for death.
Bender: 'Can do!
[He puts his feet up and reclines in his chair. There is a huge bang and the ship jerks backwards.]
Bender: 'What the hell was that?
[Scene: Ships Cargo Bay. There is a big, round, black blob in Nibbler's litter tray.]
[He fans the air in front of his nose.]
Leela: 'I don't believe it! It's dark matter.
Bender: 'Dark matter? That's starship fuel. And way better more useful crap than your dog ever did Fry!
Fry: 'Hey! At least my dog does it outside and has learned to use the toilet.
Bender: (mocking) 'Wow, your dog is smart, not!
Leela: 'Stop fighting you two. So I think his species must've filled the entire planet with it. Did you do that, you cute little-- [The ship shakes again.] Come on. That should be more than enough fuel to get us outta here. Bender, pick it up and put it in the engine.
[Bender mutters to himself and drags the dark matter across the floor towards the engine room.]
[Cut to: Ships Engine Room. Bender throws the dark matter into the furnace.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. The fuel gauge fills up, Leela throttles forward and the ship lifts off, moments before the ground collapses. They fly away from the planet and it explodes. The crew cheer.]
Leela: 'We made it! [She looks through a pair of binoculars.] And some of the animals survived.
[She looks through the binoculars and sees some animals standing on a tiny fragment of rock.]
Bender: 'So a couple of animals didn't die and Leela got lucky. That's what I call a successful mission!
Fry: 'We're heroes!
Leela: 'Ok, Fry. Let's get some shut eye it's along way to Earth. So I'm gonna set the autopilot.
[Scene: Leela's Quarters. Leela writes in her diary wearing a sexy pink pajamas with just a pair of pink thin underpants and a pink tank top slightly more revealing then her usual white tank-top Nibbler lies on her lap and she strokes him.]
Leela: (thinking) 'Dear Captain's Diary: I may not have found love on this mission but I did find a cute little companion who excretes starship fuel. And that's just as good.
[She pauses for a moment then tears the page out, screws it up and throws it in the bin full of other balls of paper.]
Scene: Outside Nimbus flying through space.
Zapp: (from inside) 'Captain's journal: Star date ... uh.
Kif: (from inside) 'April 13th.
Zapp: (from inside) 'April 13th ... point two.
[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.]
Zapp: 'We have failed to uphold Brannigan's Law. However, I did make it with a hot alien babe. And in the end is that not what man has dreamt of since first he looked up at the stars? Kif, I'm asking you a question!
Scene: Planet Express Ship: Fry's And Bender's Cabin. Fry wearing a white t-shirt and black pair of boxers lies on the bottom of the bunk-bed asleep with Seymour cuddled up to him lying beside him, while Bender holding a robot porn magazine lies on the top of the bunk-bed asleep muttering in his sleep "Kill All Humans" over and over again.
Cut to: Leela's Quarters. Leela lies asleep in bed with the blanket covering most of her body holding Nibbler in her arms who is sound asleep.
Scene: New New York Skyline. It is twilight the sun isn't even up yet, though the city is as busy as usual with all the tubes people fly through, and the traffic jams in the sky. Then the PE ship comes into view as it slowly descends down towards Planet Express, when the ship is close the hanger doors open automatically.
Cut to: Hanger. The PE ship lands inside.
Cut to: Cockpit. Leela fully dressed in her usual clothes and boot sits at the wheel.
Leela: 'Imagine if I let the autopilot land us?
[She stands up and exits the cockpit through the door behind her.]
Cut to: Fry's And Bender's Cabin. Leela walks in to find Bender fallen off the bunk-bed lying face down on the floor still muttering "Kill All Humans". Seymour wakes up, looking excited with his tongue out moving his body slightly he starts wagging his tale as he looks at Leela, she leans down and pets him about four times.
Leela: (quietly) 'I'll let you two sleep. [From Leela's view point she can see Fry's clothes under his bed which she reaches for and picks up however leaving his runners.] It's about time these got cleaned.
[She stands up straight and walks out of the room.]
Cut to: PE Corridor. Nibbler chases after a pack of owls down the corridor, he catches one sucking him up while the rest get away going inside a small hole in a wall.
Scene: Planet Express: Kitchen. Leela places Fry's clothes in a washer dryer machine takes out a packet of Archduke Chocula from out of a high press, then walks over to the kitchen table where there's already a bowl for herself with a spoon to the side of it, plus a glass of mixed fruit juice to it's side. A glass jug of milk lies in the middle of the table. She pours some Archduke Chocula into her bowl filling it to about halfway, then pours milk into it. Then begins to eat it.
Farnsworth: [walking in the door way wearing a light blue sleeping cap and a pair of black pajamas themed with pictures of mad scientist.] 'Morning, to whoever you are that has the day off. [He then walks out another door. Which a sleepy Fry walks over the fridge, opens it taking out a can slurm, then goes over to a counter where a clean bowl lies, he opens a press from underneath taking out a packet of Bachelor Chow, which he pours himself a bowl of it then walk over and joins Leela at the table to have his breakfast.]
Leela: 'Fry, I think you should eat or drink better stuff than that for breakfast.
Fry: (sleepily) 'Yeah .... I think you may be right.
[Bender walks in full of energy switching from taking buffs from his cigar and drinking from his bottle of Irish Whisky.]
Bender: 'Morning losers.
Fry: (systematically) 'Morning Bender.
Leela: (systematically) 'Morning Bender. [Bender joins them at the table, Leela stands up finished with her breakfast, picks up her bowl and glass, walks over to the sink placing it down inside, then heads over to the coffee machine.] Fry, want a cup of coffee?
Fry: 'Yes, please.
Scene: Shower room. Leela, Fry, (both naked facing in front view but all the good pits can't be seen due to the steam from the hot water so any fan boys and or fan girls are going to be disappointed) and Bender shower together under separate showers and drains from underneath.
Leela: 'By the way Fry, I cleaned your clothes in the washer dryer machine.
Fry: 'Thanks, you didn't have to do that.
Leela: 'Oh but I did have to. Yet, next time I'll tell you to wash them.
Fry: 'But I don't know how to use a washer dryer machine? I normally just go to the dry cleaners, and that's a very rare occasion.
Leela: 'I'll teach you how to use one.
Bender: 'God! Shut up. I'm showering here.
Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Most of the other staff wearing their usual clothes sit in arm chairs, such as, Hermes, Farnsworth, Amy, Zoidberg; plus Fry, Leela and Bender sit on the couch, watching TV showing the news room Linda and Morbo.
Morbo: 'Good morning pathetic inhabitants of Earth! Welcome to the 9 o'clock news, Linda.
Linda: 'Thanks, Morbo. First up in some celebrity news, Zapp Brannigan has announced [Leela groaning leans her head forward covering her face with her hands.] in an interview that he has slept with a hot alien babe named Lee--[Fry changes the channel with the remote to show "everybody loves hypnotoad".] Thanks.
Bender: 'How about you two head off somewhere so we can watch TV?
[All the staff systematically make humming agreeing noises.]
Fry: 'Yeah, I'll take Seymour for a walk.
Leela: 'And I'll take Nibbler.
Farnsworth: 'Leela, I think you'll need a muzzle for that creature you took off with Vergon 6 as a pet from what Bender's been telling me. [He takes out a black dog's muzzle from his lab-coat.] Speaking of a muscle, use this!
Leela: '[Farnsworth throws it at her, which doesn't go very far just landing off his armchair, she walks over to him, and picks up the muzzle.] Thanks.
Scene: Central Park: Woods. Fry walks Seymour on the footpath with the leash attached to his collar (on either side of them theirs dense forests creating shadows on the footpath.), same-case with Leela walking along side him with a leash too; for Nibbler is wearing a muzzle around his mouth.
Fry: 'Lucky you got that muzzle. Otherwise when Nibbler jumped into that lake instead of hopelessly splashing around trying to eat them swans and ducks, he would of eaten all them back there with no problem at all.
Leela: Yean, I know. [Sound of thunder.] I think we'll need to get back.
Scene: Outside Planet Express. Outside is very windy, there are very thick dark clouds in the sky. Fry, Leela with their own leash attached to each of their pets, who run with them as they run inside the building just in time before the heavy rain falls.
Cut to: Planet Express. Fry is gasping leaning against a wall out of breath. (Seymour while the leash is still attached to his collar walks out of sight), Leela leans down and takes off Nibbler's muzzle. Nibbler sees a pact of a owls, then see they see him and fly away into another room with him chasing them.
Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Bender lies on the watching TV showing cars exploding constantly.]
[Fry and Leela enter the room and take seats in armchairs.]
Leela: 'Where is everyone?
Bender: 'Ahh, their gone to do their own things. The only one apart from me remaining is Professor fuming about the building. [In a doorway out in the corridor Farnsworth walks past shouting/blabbering waving his fists.] Now, let's watch some TV before we all go home to watch more TV.
Leela: 'OK. But let's put something better on. [Bender tosses the remote at her, which she catches, and puts on something showing open space where can random things fly through space, like; bananas, dairy cows, and all kinds of sandwiches.]
Announcer: 'Imagine if you will you're walking down a wide narrow large and small pathway, only to find out there was no pathway in the first place, like you just imagined it, or did you? These are just meaningless contradictions and paradoxes that don't have to make sense. Anyway prepare to enter the scary door.
[Time Lapse of events similar to as before, from "Fear of a Bot Planet", to "Hell is Other Robots".]
Scene: The PE ship with burn marks in places and a missing left wing flies towards Earth, desending down to Planet Express building with the hanger doors already open. The landing gear comes down and the ship lands inside.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The crew walk out. Their hair is ruffled, their clothes are torn and dirty.]
Leela: 'That was the worst delivery ever.
Fry: 'Yeah. I'm never going to another planet called "zombielon"!
Bender: 'Me neither. (upbeat) the headcrabs tasted good, though.
Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Farnsworth sits at the table, drinking from a cup. He turns around when the crew walk in.
Farnsworth: 'Oh, wonderful news, everyone.
Bender: 'Put a sock in it! We quit!
Farnsworth: 'In that case I'll have to hire a new crew to go on our company vacation.
[He and Fry high-five.]
Fry: 'This is great! I haven't had time off since I was 21 through 24.
[They sit down.]
Farnsworth: 'It's just my way of thanking you for not reporting my countless violations of safety and minimum wage laws.
Bender: 'Aww, you!
[He knocks Farnsworth affectionately on the shoulder.]
Farnsworth: 'I've booked us all on the maiden voyage of the largest, most luxurious space cruise ship ever built. [He pulls out a brochure.] The Titanic!
[The Titanic is a futuristic space version of the RMS Titanic, with bubble domes and rocket engines. And rings, of course.]
Leela: 'Looks nice.
Scene: A huge spaceport sits high above the skyline of New New York City. The rotating disc on top indicates it is South Street Spaceport.
Cut to: South Street Spaceport Departures. The entire staff emerge from the travel tubes in the departure area which looks similar to that of an airport.
Fry: 'Hey, uh, where's my suitcase? [His suitcase flies out from the tube and knocks him over.] Ow! [He rubs his head.] I wonder if Seymour will be OK all by himself?
Leela: [giving him a hand up] 'Ah, don't worry Fry that janitor guy who's name I forget for some reason with the moustache and hat will look after him.
Leela: 'That's the one.
Scene: Planet Express: Locker-Room. Nibbler talks to another Nibbler on the screen of his communicator attached to his wrist.
Nibbler: 'No way! Your Fry of your universe is his own grandfather?
Parallel Nibbler: 'Yes. Yet, your Fry is not his own grandfather but still lacks the delta brain wave?
Nibbler: 'Yes, indeed he does
Parallel Nibbler: 'That is most odd.
Scene: 'South Street Spaceport. The huge Titanic sits moored to the port and Mayor Poopenmeyer gives a speech.
Poopenmeyer: 'As Mayor of New New York, it's my pleasure to introduce the honorary captain for the Titanic's maiden voyage. A man who single-handedly defeated the Retiree People of the Assisted Living Nebula: 'Zapp Brannigan!
[Zapp walks forward and waves to the crowd. They cheer and applaud.]
Leela: 'Oh, no! Not Zapp Brannigan!
Zoidberg: 'You know Zapp Brannigan?
Leela: 'Let's just say we've "crossed paths".
Bender: 'Was that before or after you had sex with him?
[Zapp looks at the Titanic.]
Zapp: She's a beautiful ship, alright. Shapely ... seductive. I'm gonna fly her brains out. [The crowd applauds. Zapp holds up his hand and they stop.] And now, without further adieu, I christen this ship, Titanic.
[Kif hands him Leonardo DiCaprio's head in a jar. Zapp smashes it against the side of the ship. DiCaprio's head bounces away. The crowd applauds and cheers.]
[Time Lapse. Passengers board via gangways. Zapp personally welcomes passengers. He sees the Planet Express staff walk up the gangway.]
Zapp: 'Well, well, well! The Lady Leela. Take notes, Kif. You're about to witness the subtle waltz known as seduction. [Kif sighs. Leela stops as Zapp blocks her way.] So, trapped on a ship with me. What say you and I knock some very sensual boots?
Leela: 'It's tempting, but, uh, I have a fiancé now. Uh, hmm, uh, hmm, uh, we--, uh ... [She repeatedly looks at Farnsworth, Zoidberg and Fry, makes a quick decision, then pulls Fry forward.] Him! Fry, darling, meet Zapp Brannigan.
Fry: 'Huh? [Leela elbows him in the side.] Ooh! How do you do?
[He shakes Zapp's hand. Zapp narrows his eyes at Fry.]
Scene: The Titanic leaves port honking its horn to the cheering crowds. It flies away from Earth and off into space.
[Scene: 'Titanic First Class Corridor. The crew walk across polished floors and past a grand wooden staircase straight out of the film Titanic. They walk through another corridor.]
Farnsworth: 'Ah, here's my stateroom.
[He walks in, followed by everyone else. Bender suddenly sees something and stops and purrs. He zooms in on a well-dressed Fembot and she does the same. He zooms in further and his eyes fall out. He scrambles around the floor for them.]
Bender: 'Come on, where is it?
[He feels around the floor, finds one and puts it back in but the Fembot is gone. He sighs.]
[Scene: 'Titanic First Class State Room. Everyone, especially Fry, seems settled in the plush furnishings of the room.]
Farnsworth: 'Now, Hermes, you and your lovely wife, LaBarbara, have the suite through there. And Dr. Zoidberg, your marble tank is on the other side.
[Fry bounces on a green chair.]
Fry: 'Man, first class seems nice! [His face turns into a fearful expression and pale looking.] (timidly/shaking) Wait a minute?! This is the-the Titanic like from that movie! (shouting) We're all gonna die!
Farnsworth: 'Well we've taken off already, so there's no need to--
Fry: (screaming) 'Ahhhhhh! (shouting) Get me off this ship! [He tries to make a run for it, Leela chases after him grabbing him before, He makes it out the door, pushing him against a wall making him face her eye in his face.] (crying) Let me go!
Leela: 'Fry, you need to pretend you are my fiancé, remember? [The rest give her funny looks.] What? It's just to get Zapp off my back.
Farnsworth: 'Relax Fry, there's more than enough escape pods if this ship is ever to go into trouble.
Fry: (calming down) 'Really?
Farnsworth: 'Yes. Now that you're calm, (shouting/ waving his fist) get outta here!
[Scene: 'Titanic First Class Deck. Amy, Leela, Bender and Fry stand waiting for the elevator.]
Amy: 'Looks like we're on the Fiesta Deck.
[The elevator door opens.]
[Cut to: 'Titanic Elevator. Amy presses a button and the elevator goes down past second class where there are lots of T-shirt wearing tourists with fat children and cameras; past steerage where there are lots of stereotypical Irish people dancing to traditional Irish music; past laundry which is already filled with clothes; past the bowels of the ship where men shovel coal into furnaces. It stops at the Fiesta deck and the doors opens to a dank, dripping corridor.]
[Scene: 'Titanic Fiesta Deck Corridor. The staff emerge from the elevator.]
Leela: 'This is it.
[She opens the door and groans.]
[Cut to: 'Titanic Fiesta Deck Room. The room a is dank room with leaking pipes and four camp beds along the side.]
Fry: 'Well at least we get a window!
[He pulls a blind up and is blasted in the face with reactor fumes.]
Bender: 'Well, I'm tired of this room and everyone in it. If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna pop over to the casino for the next 135 hours!
Amy: 'I think I'll go and fill up on bisque at the buffet.
[She closes the door as she leaves.]
Fry: 'I guess that just leaves you and your fake fiancé ... all alone ... on a romantic cruise.
[He puts his arm around her.]
Leela: 'Take it off or I'll break it off.
[He takes his arm from around her. Zapp opens the door.]
Zapp: 'Captain's inspection!
[Leela puts Fry's arm back around her and smiles weakly.]
[Scene: 'Titanic Casino. Bender is already settled in, standing at a craps table.]
Bender: 'Hmm. [Through his eyes we see his cheat unit predicting the dice. He chuckles.] I'm bettin' it all! [He empties the chips from his chest cabinet.] Come on, baby needs a new pair of feet!
[He rolls the dice.]
Croupier: 'Snake eyes.
[He rakes in the chips.]
Bender: 'No! My cheating unit malfunctioned! You gotta give me a do-over!
Croupier: 'Sorry, the house limit is three do-overs. Next shooter.
[Bender takes a seat at the bar and sighs.]
Bender: 'Gimmie you're biggest, strongest, cheapest drink.
[The bartender, iZac, turns around.]
iZac: 'You got it!
[He fills a bucket. Bender turns around and sees the Fembot from earlier. He gasps and walks over to her.]
Bender: 'Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Bender.
Countess: 'Charmed. I'm the Countess de la Roca. I was surprised to see another robot staying in first class. Most of the robots I meet are labourers.
Bender: 'I assure you, I barely know the meaning of the word "labour".
[The Countess laughs.]
Countess: 'Oh, Mr. Bender!
Bender: 'Please, call me Bender.
[He kisses her hand.]
Countess: (embarrassed) 'Oh my, goodness. I don't--
[As he kisses her, he reaches around and takes some money from her purse.]
[Scene: 'Titanic Wheel Room. Zapp stands in front of an old-fashioned sailing wheel. Kif emerges from a washroom.]
Zapp: 'Kif, I'm feeling the captain's itch.
Kif: 'I'll get the powder, sir.
Zapp: 'No, the itch for adventure! Prepare to change course.
Kif: 'Sir, this is a leisure cruise. Our path was set by the travel agency.
[He presses a button and a map comes down on the wall showing the route is a straight line from Earth to another planet.]
Zapp: 'That's for schoolgirls! Now here's a route with some chest hair.
[He squiggles a new course onto the map.]
Kif: 'But that course leads directly through a swarm of comets.
Zapp: 'Yes, comets! The icebergs of the sky. By jack-knifing from one to the next at breakneck speed we might just get some kind of gravity boost ... or something. [Kif sighs.] It's time to shove a jalapeño up this ships tailpipe. [He grabs the wheel.] Divert power from the shields, full speed ahead!
[Scene: 'Titanic Buffet. Amy takes a bowlful of bisque.]
Amy: 'Oh, yeah!
[She turns around, gasps and drops the bowl.]
Inez : 'Amy! Hello!
Amy: 'Mom? Dad? What are you doing here?
Leo: 'We were planning on enjoying a relaxing vacation. But since you're here, we'll have to do some meddling.
Inez : 'We met the nicest boy in the cabin next to ours.
Leo: 'He's not very ugly.
Inez : 'You should marry him! Or at least use him to conceive a grandchild for us.
Leo: 'There he is at the buffet!
[He points at a large man who leans over the sneeze guard, dips his finger into the bisque and tastes it.]
Amy: 'Uh, he seems really nice but, well, I already have a boyfriend.
Inez : 'Really? Where is he?
Leo: 'And why isn't he here right now fathering our grandchild?
[Scene: 'Titanic Deck. Fry and Leela stand outside, looking at the stars.]
Leela: 'Well, our accommodations aren't great, but it sure is beautiful out here.
Fry: 'Yeah, it's pretty romantic-- Uh, I mean platonic. Th-That sure is one platonic view!
Leela: 'Fry, just be quiet. I'm beginning to think this whole fake fiancé thing was a terrible, terrible--
[She turns and gasps, then grabs Fry and kisses him.]
Fry: (shocked) 'Hmm? (enjoying it) Mmm!
Zapp: 'Leela, perhaps this is an awkward time but if things don't work out with this pipsqueak here ... [He puts his hand on her shoulder.] ... I just want you to know I'll be there to score you on the rebound.
[He walks away, humming. Leela stops kissing Fry.]
Leela: 'Uh, look, before you get any crazy ideas, that was for Zapp.
Fry: 'Well, you got anything else for him?
Leela: 'Alright, can we try not to complicate this?
[Amy and her parents arrive.]
Amy: 'Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet Fry, my boyfriend.
[She kisses him.]
Fry: (shocked) 'Hmm? (enjoying it) Mmm!
[Time Lapse. Later, the staff relax in swimsuits by the pool. Leela lies on a sunbed wearing a green swimsuit with a hole around the navel. Fry is with Amy.]
Fry: 'See you later, wuvvums!
[He kisses Amy and she leaves with her parents. He sits on a sunbed next to Leela.]
Leela: 'It would have been nice if you'd told me you were going out with Amy.
Fry: 'I'm not going out with Amy. It's just to fool her parents. Hey, you're not jealous, are you?
Leela: 'What? No. No! Of course not!
Fry: 'Good, 'cause I consider my fake relationship with you a lot more meaningful.
[Scene: 'Countess de la Roca's Room.]
Countess: 'Mind if I freshen up a bit before we go out?
Bender: 'I was just about to suggest the same thing. [The Countess giggles then disappears into the bathroom. The sound of a power tool comes from the room. Bender rubs his hands with glee. He rummages through her drawers and sees a bracelet on the table. He picks it up and chuckles.] Pay dirt!
[He is about to put it in his chest cabinet but he hesitates. The Countess is behind him.]
Countess: 'Lovely, isn't it?
Bender: 'Yeah. But only 93% as lovely as you.
[He puts it on her wrist.]
Countess: 'Oh, Bender! Either that was a computing error or you're the most romantic robot I've ever met!
Scene: 'Titanic Casino. Bender watches the Countess play a fruit machine while he sits at the bar
Bender: 'I don't get it, iZac; that bracelet had a diamond the size of a racoon's brain. Why couldn't I steal it?
iZac: 'It's obvious, Mr. B. You're in love.
Bender: 'Oh, it's true. But we're star-crossed robots. She, a countess, built with a silver spoon in her mouth. And me, just a regular honest Joe.
[He walks off with the drinks.]
iZac: 'Hey, you gonna pay for those?
Bender: 'Hell, no!
[iZac presses something on his body and it beeps.]
iZac: 'Security to bar area. Security to bar area.
[Two robot security guards rise from the floor and grab Bender.]
Bender: 'Fellas, please. I'm in love!
iZac: 'Rough him up!
[The security guards punch Bender. The Countess intervenes.]
Countess: 'What are you doing?
iZac: 'This penniless chump was stealing drinks, ma'am.
Countess: 'I see. Here you are, sir. [She hands iZac some money.] Keep the change.
iZac: 'You got it!
[The security guards punch Bender a couple more times then go back into the floor. Bender looks away from the Countess, ashamed.]
Scene: 'Titanic Deck. The staff, Kif and the fat man limbo. Zoidberg clears the stick.
[Farnsworth has a go.]
Fry: 'Go, Professor!
Amy: 'Lean back more!
[Farnsworth smacks straight into the pole.]
[Hermes and LaBarbara stand away from the game.]
LaBarbara: 'Come on, Hermes, you could out-limbo all of these people!
Hermes: 'Don't be a dog heart, woman. You know I can't. Not after what happened.
[Flashback. At the 2980 Olympics, Hermes warms up on the track.]
Announcer: [on loudspeaker] 'Now limbo-ing for the Earth team, Hermes Conrad.
[As Hermes warms up, a boy in the crowd wearing a Hermes T-shirt shouts.]
Boy: (shouting) 'You're my hero, Hermes! I'm gonna be just like you!
[He jumps out of the stand and runs towards the limbo stick.]
Hermes: 'No, boy, stop! It's too low! Your backbone can't take it!
[The boy leans back.]
Boy: 'I'm just like Hermes! I'm just like--
[His back cracks, the crowd gasps and Hermes winces.]
Hermes: (screaming) 'Nooo!
[Flashback ends. Hermes cries and LaBarbara pats him on the back.]
LaBarbara: 'There, there. Now you don't have to limbo if you don't want. It doesn't make you any less of a man.
Farnsworth: 'Though it did get me some action!
[Hattie hangs onto his arm.]
Hattie: 'I like a man who's flexible!
Zapp: 'Your attention, please. As captain of this vessel, the terrible burden of naming a limbo contest winner is mine and mine alone.
Kif: 'Shouldn't you be steering between the comets?
Zapp: 'And the winner is, Leela!
[The crowd applauds and turns to Leela, who is still sitting on her sunbed.]
Leela: 'But I didn't even limbo.
Zapp: 'No matter. I know from personal experience how horizontal you can get. As your reward, you and that hairpile are invited to dine at the captain's table this evening.
[Time Lapse. Bender and the Countess lean over the rail on the deck.]
Bender: 'Well, now you know. I'm not actually rich. I'm a fraud. A poor, lazy, sexy fraud. This isn't even a real bow-tie, it's magnetic.
[He takes the bow-tie off and throws it against the wall where it sticks.]
Countess: 'Bender, I don't care whether you have money. I love you for your artificial intelligence, your in your face attitude, and your sincerity simulator.
Bender: 'You do? Really?
[The Countess nods. She and Bender kiss.]
[Montage: 'In some scenes lifted from Titanic the Countess lies on a sofa naked. Bender's finger makes printer noises as he draws her. He shows her the picture which looks like circuit diagrams. At the bow of the ship, he holds her up at the railings but she is so heavy she ends up breaking his arms off. In the hold they climb into an old hovercar and literally make sparks together giggling.]
[Scene: 'Titanic Buffet. A sign advertises "All You Can Eat Plus A Whole Turkey ". Fry, Leela, Farnsworth and Hattie sit with Zapp around the captain's table wearing formal evening wear. Zapp wears a formal off-white DOOP jacket with medals.]
Zapp: 'I like your style, Fry. You remind me of a young me. Not much younger, mind you. Perhaps even a couple of years older.
Fry: 'Thank you, sir.
Zapp: 'As a gentleman, I must warn you. If you so much as glance at another woman, I'll be all over Leela like a fly on a pile of very seductive manure.
Fry: 'Well, rest assured, Leela's the only girl for me.
[Enter the Wongs.]
Amy: 'Hey, Fry.
[Amy has brought her parents. They sit down.]
Zapp: 'Ah, the family Wong. Our party is complete.
[Fry, Leela and Amy lean in under the table.]
Leela: (whispering) 'What are we gonna do? Fry can't pretend to be both our boyfriends.
Fry: (whispering) 'Sure we can. You two just pretend you're both bisexual and both of you are my girlfriends. [They both narrow their eyes at him.] Sorry, just a boyish fantasy.
[Zapp taps his glass.]
Zapp: 'I'd like to impose a toast on the happy couple. Down the hatch!
Inez : 'Hear, hear! Now let's have a kiss!
Zapp: 'Yes, Fry. Plant one on your woman.
Fry: 'Um, let me think. -
[Leo thumps the table.]
Leo: 'What's the hold up? Kiss my daughter already!
Farnsworth: 'Wait, I'm confused. Now tell me, Fry, which one of these ladies are you involved with?
Fry: (nervously) 'Uh, awww, hey, well...
[Enter Kif from behind Zapp.]
Kif: 'Captain, may I have a word with you?
Kif: 'It's an emergency, sir.
Zapp: 'Come back when it's a catastrophe. [There is a crash and the ship shakes. Zapp reluctantly stands up.] Oh, very well.
[He leaves with Kif.]
Amy: 'Well, with Zapp gone and my parents still here, I suggest Fry give me a nice, convincing kiss.
Fry: 'Ah, I um, I choose.
[He turns to face Leela worried looking. Leela smiles then draws her head closer to his, he does the same and then they meet in a tender locked kiss. Amy's parents drop their mouths, then turn to look at Amy.]
Inez : (angry) 'Well, if he is your boyfriend then why is he kissing her?
Amy: (nervously) 'Well, you see we were just pretending, so that--
Leo: 'That he was your boyfriend?! That's it, you're gonna get us grandchild one way or the other!
[Leo grabs her by the ear dragging her out. Fry pushes her away breaking the kiss, Leela looks shocked.]
Fry: (timidly/ tears forming in his eyes) 'This is just an act [He stand up.] you don't feel for me, the way I feel about you. I'm so pathetic to day's women's standards these days that I can be used as a tool.
Leela: (softly) 'Fry--
Fry: (shouting) 'Nooo! You're words are poison to my mind!
[He rushes off covering his face.]
[Scene: 'Titanic Deck. Leela emerges from a door from behind. Fry looks over the railing crying.]
Leela: (softly) 'Fry? Why did you--
Fry: (crying/ turning to face her) 'What do you want? I don't want to play you're game anymore, because their will be nothing ever between us. [Leela just stares walks two steps closer to him.] You know what? I'm sorry. You just might be right to do this, I can never be someone great that you so rightfully deserve. I'm not smart, rich, witty, mature, or um you know what I've been reading on the Internet lacking any genetic engineering down there if you know what I mean.
Leela: 'On the last thing you said, if I or any women truly love you that wouldn't matter in the least.
Fry: (lowing his voice turning away) 'Don't let me hold you back, you deserve better than me.
Leela: (sharply) 'Fry, are you even listening to me?!
Fry: (timidly/ turning to face her) 'Ok, I am now.
[Leela walks right up to him.]
Leela: (softly) 'Fry, people can still love one another in all walks of life. [He takes hold of his hand.] Love is something you don't expect, no matter how high your standards are.
Fry: (curiously) 'You mean, you really--
Leela: 'Yes, I do feel for you. Maybe as much as you do.
[They gaze into each other's eyes and lean in to kiss. The ship shakes, Leela loses her balance, and head butts Fry and they both fall over.]
Leela: 'What was that? [She looks over the railings and sees.] Oh, my God! We're heading straight into a black hole.
Fry: (normal voice) 'Talk about a romantic moment interrupter!
Leela: 'Fry, we'll catch up in this later.
Scene: 'Titanic Wheel Room.
Zapp: 'Don't blame yourself, Kif. We were doomed from the start. Nothing remains now but for the captain to go down with his ship.
Kif: 'Why, that's surprisingly noble of you, sir.
Zapp: 'No, it's noble of you, Kif! [He tears his captain's patch off.] As of now ... [He puts the patch on Kif.] ... you're in command. Congratulations, captain!
[He leaves and flies past the wheel room in an escape pod. Kif sighs.]
[Scene: 'Titanic Deck. People run about in a panic. The staff look at a deck plan of the Titanic.]
Leela: 'OK. We just have to get from here to the escape pods.
["Here" is the front of the ship. The escape pods are located at the back. The map breaks in half and the ship itself begins to tear in half.]
Farnsworth: (shouting) 'I'm too young to die!
Leela: 'Come on, before it's too late!
Bender: 'You all go without me. I'm gonna take one last look around. You know, for, uh, stuff to steal.
Fry: 'You're going back or the Countess, aren't you?
[Bender pulls Fry aside.]
Bender: (whispering) 'Alright, I am. But I don't want the others to know. If I don't come back, just say I died robbing some old man.
Fry: 'I'll tell them you went out prying the wedding ring off his cold, dead finger.
Bender: 'I love you, buddy!
[Bender hugs Fry then runs off.]
[Cut to: 'Titanic Casino. The fruit machines and tables are overturned, fires burn and there is a huge hole in the middle of the floor. Bender runs in to the room.]
Bender: (shouting) 'Countess? Countess?
Countess: (shouting) 'Bender!
[Bender looks around and sees the Countess' hat by the hole. He rushes over and peers into the hole. The Countess is trapped in a burning room. She is huddled in a corner away from the flames.]
Countess: (shouting) 'I fell through the deck.
Bender: (shouting) 'Are you hurt, my sweet?
Countess:'(shouting) 'No. Luckily a family broke my fall.
Bender: 'Just hang on! I'll take care of that fire!
[He grabs a fire hose and jumps through the hole.]
[Cut to: 'Titanic Room. Bender lands in the middle of the room and sprays the flames with water, extinguishing the fire. He leaves the hose and hugs the Countess.]
Countess: 'Bender, you risked your life to save me.
Bender: 'And I'd do it again. And perhaps a third time. But that would be it. [They kiss.] When we kiss, I feel like I'm standing waist-deep in a pool of cold, rising water.
[They both look down and see they are standing waist-deep in a pool of cold, rising water. They scream and shout as it gets closer to their heads.]
[Scene: 'Titanic Corridor. The staff run around a corner. Fry carries Farnsworth on his back.]
Leela: 'Hurry! The escape pods should be just ahead!
Hermes: (gasping) 'Faster!
[There is a crash and the emergency airlock begins to close. The staff run forwards to get under it. Zoidberg dives and wedges his claw under it. It stops moving. Leela tries to lift it.]
Leela: 'It won't move. And the door release is on the other side.
Fry: 'Then we're dead meat. No one could squeeze under there!
[Hermes steps forward.]
Hermes: 'No one, except a legendary limbo champion.
[He tears his tux off, revealing his Earth team vest underneath.]
LaBarbara: 'Oh, Hermes!
Leela: 'You've been wearing that underneath all this time?
[Hermes leans back and his back creaks.]
Hermes: 'Ooh! It's been a while. [He leans back and tries to go under the door. His knees hits it.] This one is for that little kid who's limbo-ing up in heaven right now.
[LaBarbara pulls a food trolley in front of her and starts playing a dish cover with some spoons. Hermes squeezes under the door. The others cheer.]
LaBarbara: 'That's my man, alright, baby, limbo!
Hermes: 'I still got the moves! Zoidberg, lower the door another inch.
LaBarbara: 'Just go on through and hit the release, you hot dog!
Hermes: 'Yes, dear.
[The door slides up. They all cheer and rush through.]
LaBarbara: 'That's my man!
Amy: 'Yay, Hermes!
Hermes: 'Uh, can somebody help me up?
[Scene: 'Titanic Room. The water rises and completely covers the robots. They stop screaming.]
Countess: 'Well, now what are we going to do?
Bender: 'Wait a second. Aren't you a member of the yacht club?
Countess: 'By God, you're right! I'm a class-3 yacht.
[A propellor comes out from under her. Bender hops on and they rise to the surface.]
[Scene: 'Titanic Deck. Passengers board the escape pods.]
Farnsworth: 'Thank God there are plenty of escape pods. We won't have to dress up like women and children.
[He takes his hat off and throws his lolly down. He and the others run into the escape pod. Leela and Fry stop outside.]
Leela: 'We can't leave yet. We've got to wait for Bender. The high gravity must be slowing down his looting.
[Amy's parents walk out onto the deck.]
Inez : 'Amy!
Amy: 'Mom? Dad? You're alive!
Leo: 'Yeah, but so what? The important thing is we found you a new man.
Inez : 'A captain.
Amy: 'Uh, Mom, I don't-- [Enter Kif.] Hi!
Kif: (sexfully) 'Hello!
[Kif picks Amy up and carries her to the escape pod. They kiss.]
[Cut to: 'Escape Pod. The ship begins to twist and distort.]
Farnsworth: 'I don't feel well!
[His head twists around like a squishy goo.]
[Cut to: 'Titanic Deck outside a escape pod. Leela kisses Fry's cheek, he turns to look at her.
Leela: 'That's just to show I haven't forgotten.
[Hermes pokes his head out of the escape pod from behind them.]
Hermes: 'Everyone else is off the ship. Where in Babylon is Bender?
Leela: 'I don't know. But we can't wait any longer.
[She gets into the pod and Fry follows. He looks back at the ship.]
Fry: (sad) 'Goodbye, Bender.
[He closes the hatch. Bender and the Countess run out of the ship panting.]
Bender: (shouting) 'Wait for us!
[The escape pod lifts off and the airlock between it and the Titanic deck seals. Bender and the Countess leap from the deck, smashing through the glass airlock.]
[Cut to: 'Outside Escape Pod. Bender and the Countess float towards the pod and Bender reaches out his hand.]
[Cut to: 'Escape Pod. It rocks as Bender grabs hold. Everyone sits along the length of the pod and Leela steers.]
Leela: 'Something's wrong. We're two metric tons overweight.
Amy: 'Well, it's not me!
[Fry looks out of the airlock window.]
[Everyone looks out the window to see Bender and the Countess.
[Cut to: 'Outside Escape Pod. The Titanic creaks and is sucked into the black hole. The escape pod starts to drift back towards it.]
Countess: 'I'm slipping, Bender. The pull is too strong!
[She slips from Bender's grasp but he grabs on to her bracelet. It's all that holds them together. She screams.]
Bender: 'I can't live without you. If you let go, I let go!
Countess: 'No! You have too much to live for. It may hurt for a while but one day you'll share your love again. After all, it's shareware.
Bender: 'Don't talk like that. Tragic romances always have a happy ending.
[The bracelet snaps and the Countess falls towards the black hole.]
Countess: (shouting) 'Farewell!
[The black hole sucks her in.]
Bender: (shouting) 'Nooooooooooooooooooooooo--
[Cut to: 'Escape Pod. Bender walks in and closes the airlock behind him.]
Bender: 'She's gone.
Leela: 'But she saved all our lives. Without her, we're light enough to get away.
[Bender slams his head against the airlock and cries.]
Fry: 'Don't cry, Bender. Nobody really knows what happens in a black hole. It's possible she's still alive in another dimension somewhere. Right, Professor?
Farnsworth: 'Oh my yes, absolutely! [He turns to Zoidberg.] Not a chance!
[He draws his finger across his neck and mimes being hung.]
Bender: 'At least I'll always have her bracelet! [He hands it to Hermes.] What do you think it's worth?
[Hermes takes a look at it.]
Hermes: 'It's not real, mon!
[Bender cries even louder as the pod flies away into space.]
Scene: The escape pod has landed outside the Planet Express building. Bender dumps the Countess de la Roca's fake bracelet in a bin as he walks into the building with the other staff. Amy kisses Kif and gives him her number.]
Amy: 'Call me.
[Kif takes the paper and she goes inside. He trembles and gasps and breathes heavily some more.]
Scene: Planet Express entrance. Just as Fry enters along with everyone else, Seymour runs towards Fry jumping around him.
Fry: 'Hey, I'm happy to see you too. [He turns to Leela who smiles at him.] So, um Leela--
Leela: 'Fry, maybe after a date.
Fry: 'But I wasn't--
[Leela pulls him close and kisses him briefly.]
Leela: 'I know, I'll invite you over to my place sometime, just give me sometime. [All the staff stare at them.] What?
Bender: [leaning against a wall with his arms crossed] 'Such cheesy romance here. Sometimes I feel as if this is just a fantasy tale of some sort viewed over the Internet written by a shipper of you two.
Scene: It is sunny bright day what more details. Fry and Leela wearing their usual clothes sit outside at a table across from one other drinking tea from cups in the same Café as seen in "Parasites Lost" opposite Planet Express.
Leela: 'This, is nice. And Fry you haven't spit crumbs on me once?
Fry: 'Well, I'm really trying to change.
Leela: 'Don't try and change too much.
Fry: 'I won't. It's just I wish I had the money to take you somewhere better.
[Leela places her hand on his across the table.]
Leela: 'Fry, this place is grand. Don't belittle yourself, this date been great. The walk in the park with you holding my hand, the ice cream we got together there, [He takes out from underneath a pack of red roses.] the roses you got me.
Fry: 'So you're impressed?
Leela: 'Very much so, you did your best.
Fry: 'Thanks, that makes me feel a whole lot better in myself. So, will I pay the bill?
Leela: 'Do you have enough?
[A waitress fambot all in thick pink clothes comes up to their table.]
Waitress Robot: 'I overheard you want to pay the bill?
Fry: 'Yeah, [He takes out his wallet.] um--
Waitress Robot: 'For the tea and the two blueberry muffins you ordered $ 8 and 50 sent.
Fry: 'Here's ten. [Fry hands her a $ 10 bill, and she gives back $2:50 change back, the Waitress bot walks off.] That wasn't very mannerly was it?
Leela: 'He he, no. You're right. [She lifts her hand away from his.] Oh, um Fry your hand is sweating.
Fry: 'Well, I'm nervous and afraid I'm gonna say something wrong or do something wrong.
Leela: 'You really are scared of me?
Fry: 'Well, no I'm not. I--
Leela: 'Oh relax, Fry. I was just joking with you there.
Fry: 'Leela, I wanna tell you something It'll be maybe a little forward.
Leela: 'Go on--
Fry: 'I love you! [Leela just stares, Fry stares back. There is an awkward silence, Fry looks down at his feet. But then Leela places her hand on his same sweaty hand again.
Leela: (in her most softest voice possible) 'Philip, I love you too. [Fry, looks up and smiles, and she smiles back.] You should of already known that, with the kisses and all I gave you. As for I should of known what that was when I held your hand down in Old New York.
[And I went overboard in shippyness.]
Scene: Planet Express: Locker Room. Amy who's hair looks wet (washed recently) wearing most of her usual clothes sitting on a bench pulling up her pants.
[From the corridor Leela enters, then stops in the doorway noticing Amy.]
Amy: (formally/ not looking at her) 'Leela.
Leela: 'I'm sorry. But I really had change my mind about Fry, I began to feel---
Amy: [facing her head towards Leela] 'I know, I shouldn't of did what I did. Can you forgive me?
[Leela walks over, and takes a seat next to Amy on the bench.]
Leela: 'If you can forgive me, I'll forgive you.
Amy: 'Yes, I forgive you.
Leela: 'And I forgive you.
[They hug (a friend's hug).]
Amy: 'So em, where's Fry?
Leela: 'He's just hanging out with Bender.
Amy: 'Leela, I don't mean to be hard on you. But do you really think you and Fry can workout? You both work in the same job together, and you're the captain and he's just a delivery boy.
Leela: 'Yeah, they say office relationships never workout. But this is different, me and Fry, have a lot in com-- well not that much. Amy, Fry is alone like me, well he has only one family relative. [In the doorway that Leela came from out in the corridor Farnsworth walks past shouting/blabbering waving his fists.] I never knew my parents, (crying) I don't know even if they are dead or alive. [Amy hugs Leela, and she continues to cry on her shoulder.] I don't even know if my people were wiped out or not. And all the other orphans I knew treated me like I was some ... some, some. I don't know! (cheering up, and pulls out of Amy's hug) Back to Fry, he misses his family I've seen him look at a photo of them that he took out of his wallet a few times, every time he spots me looking he puts it away as fast as lightning.
Amy: 'He-he. I wish you the best Leela. You always have my ear if you wish to vent your feelings, as long as you do the same for me.
Leela: 'You bet.
Scene: New New York City Street. Bender and Fry casually walk down a busy pavement side by side.
Bender: 'So how was your date with Leela?
Fry: 'It was great! We're thinking of going out again tomorrow.
Bender: 'Did you get into her pants?!
[Fry stops in his tracks Bender follows suit.]
Fry: 'Nooo ...
Bender: 'That doesn't sound so great. [Fry is speechless.] How long do you think she's gonna make you wait?
Fry: 'Dunno. I'm willing to wait, don't want to rush her.
Bender: 'Well OK! It's your life.
Scene: Planet Express: Kitchen. Hermes takes some owl poison out of a cupboard, and then pours it next to a hole in the bottom of the wall.]
Hermes: 'I hope this kills them owls. Ohh! [A pack of owls fly past him.] Shoo! [Nibbler runs in, chasing after the owls into another room.] Ah, well I better have my manwich.
[He looks over at the table to see Zoidberg, who picks up his sandwich on the plate, and he gobbles it down.
Zoidberg: 'Om nom nom!
[Hermes growls narrowing his eyes raising his fists, seeing this Zoidberg runs away side ways whooping as Hermes chases after him out into another room.]
Scene: Outside Planet Express. Fry and Bender walk across the road to the PE building.
Fry: 'I hope we made it.
Bender: 'Yeah. What?
[They make it across the road then enter their workplace from the front entrance.]
Cut to: Lounge. Bender walks in and then lies himself down on the couch, while Seymour lies at the foot of the couch.
Cut to: Hanger. Scruffy walks past sweeping the floor with a brush, pan over to Hermes in a corner beating Zoidberg over the head with a newspaper, who sits on the ground crying. Cut over to Amy leaning against a railing reading a girly magazine, pan over to Leela wiping off some dust from the PE's ship right wing with a white slightly damp cloth. Fry walks up towards her.
Fry: 'Hey, Leela.
Leela: 'Hey, Fry. How was--
Farnsworth's Deafeningly Loud Echoing Voice: (on Intercom) 'Good news everyone! Quick cut to Lounge to show Bender covering his ears with one hand on either side of his head, Seymour is howling. [Cut back to Hanger, where everyone blocks their ears, Scruffy stops sweeping blocking his ears, Amy drops her magazine blocking her ears, and Hermes stop beating Zoidberg who both block their ears.] I have an imported announcement to make. So get in the conference room already!
Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. A small part of the table is covered with a white sheet, everyone except for Farnsworth standing at the conference is seated around it.
Farnsworth: 'Behold my latest invention! [He pulls the sheet near to where he's standing, to reveal something, colored silver that looks like a folded board game like Monopoly that is very shiny and reflecting off everything.]
Bender: 'Well even if it doesn't do anything, that sure look like it could be sold for a lot.
Amy: 'What's it called?
Farnsworth: 'The All Seeing Unprivaton Map Of The Universe: UA2B-RAMA, it's shorter name the F-Map.
[Farnsworth opens the F-Map, to reveal something that looks like a live moving map of the universe with the stars spiralling around in circles, along with dozens of buttons at the map's edges and a golden key board sticking out from the bottom.]
Bender: 'A map of the universe. (mocking) Like there hasn't been any of those before. [Farnsworth presses a button zooming in to Earth, and then presses another button zooming down into the Planet Express conference room to show a skyward view of everyone seated apart from Farnsworth and the F-Map on the table.] Wait, a minute? That's us!
Farnsworth: 'Indeed, watch when I press this.
[Farnsworth presses another button, on the F-Map's screen it shows that everyone is naked removing their clothes (however the ones outside the screen still have their clothes on), Farnsworth rotates the camera on screen and begins to zoom in towards Leela's ass.]
[Farnsworth zooms out rotating the view away from Leela's ass.]
Bender: 'Woo! I can already think of real great uses for it! But can it see further than that?
Farnsworth: 'Why yes. [He presses yet another button to show a blue and green Earth like planet with oceans and green land masses.]
Leela: 'Wait! That's Dog Doo 4!
[He presses another button to show Morbo sitting at a table drinking a cup of coffee, then presses a few more buttons to show; Mom showering, Lrrr and Nd-Nd sitting on a couch watching something on TV, Robot Santa sitting on his chair writing on his list looking at a huge screen, and then a couple making out on a bed.]
Fry: 'So this gives you a spectator view of--
Farnsworth: 'Where they are, what their doing every minute, of every second of every day.
Leela: 'Isn't that a breach of people's' privacy?
Farnsworth: (shouting) 'Nothing is private in the eyes of Farnsworth!
Scene: Robot Arms Apartments: Fry's and Bender's: Lounge. Outside in the window it's night time, lights of hover cars can be seen driving past in the sky. Pan over to the couch where Fry and Bender sit watching robot porn.
Fry: 'I don't get it?
Bender: 'Well he's doing her.
Fry: 'Oh, but it still doesn't seem very hot.
Bender: 'I don't expect you or any Human to find it hot. [Fry's cell-phone rings like the Futurama theme song from his pocket.] That's your hook!
[Fry walks out with his phone into his room.]
Bender: 'Thank god it's Friday!
Scene: Fry's Bedroom. Fry walks in and sits down on his bed, then answers his cell-phone. In a corner Seymour lies asleep in his basket kicking his legs.
Fry: 'Hey Leela.
Leela: 'Hey Fry! How are you?
Fry: 'Honestly a little bored, Bender is watching robot porn, again tonight.
Leela: 'Oh, that's mean he won't let you watch regular porn.
Fry: 'But Leela I don't--
Leela: (softly) 'Fry baby, don't lie to me, I know you do. I've seen you hide that dirty magazine and change the channel as soon as I come in.
Fry: 'And and, you're OK with that?
Leela: 'Of course.
Leela: 'Yes, Fry. I'm not gonna deny you that freedom.
Bender: (shouting) 'Hey, Fry! An extra long episode of All My Circuits is on to 3 am!
Fry: 'Listen Leela I gotta go. Love you!
Leela: 'Love you too Fry.
[Fry hangs up.]
Scene: Fry's and Bender's: Lounge. Fry walks in and takes a seat next to Bender.
Calculon: [on TV sitting down on a bed.] 'Oh love or freedom, which? [on TV he covers his face with his hands crying.]
Bender: 'Sounds like your hooked like Calculon Fry?
Fry: 'What do you mean?
Bender: 'Well, your girlfriend loves you I've seen the way she's looked at you, and she's not the type to cheat.
Fry: 'Isn't that good?
Bender: 'Hell no! Fry, you gotta live a little! Cheat on her! Buy a hooker!
Fry: 'I'd never cheat on Leela! Ever! Or ever buy a hooker on her. Never!
Bender: 'Fryomeo you love her too?
Bender: 'Oh man you are so hooked! Now shut up Calculon's talking again.
Calculon: [on TV] 'I just don't know which to choose.
Bender: (shouting) 'Choose freedom choose freedom choose freedom!
Calculon: [on TV] 'I choose love!
Bender: (screaming) 'Noooooo! [He breaks into tears.] (crying) Poor Calculon, Monique has you wrapped around her finger.
[Fry pats him on the back.]
Fry: 'There there! [Bender pulls him into a hug, and steals his wallet without him knowing.]
[Time Lapse, on TV the credits of All My Circuits can be seen, pan out from screen to see Bender fast asleep, and Fry fighting not to sleep his eyes close and open every few seconds.]
Fry: (sleepily) 'Mustn't ssss, mustn't sssepeep. [He slaps himself, then stands up. He stretches his arms yawning.] Oh. [He walks very slowly to the bathroom.]
Cut to: Bathroom. At the sink Fry brushes his teeth with a toothbrush his mouth is quite foamy due to toothpaste.
Cut to: Fry's Bedroom. As soon as Fry nears his bed he collapses on it falling asleep instantaneously snoring loudly.
[Fry's cell phone rings, Fry grunts and answers it, Seymour is still asleep in his basket snoring.]
Fry: (sleepily) 'Hello-oo.
Leela: 'Hello Fry, you sound tired.
Fry: (sleepily) 'What? Um yeah, I stayed up to 3 am watching TV.
Leela: 'Oh, I thought we could-- have a good lie in then Fry.
Fry: (worried/ his eyes widening) 'Leela, no! I didn't mean, to I--what--I'm sorry.
Leela: 'It's OK Fry! I'm at not mad at you at all. (soft) Sleep Fry, everything's alright, Leela loves you, me. [Fry falls asleep snoring loudly.] (soft) Goodnight Fry.
Scene: Apartment 1I: Leela's Lounge. Leela sitting on her couch hangs up on her wrist arm thingy, Nibbler lies next to her asleep.
Leela: 'He's a fool, but he's my fool. [Leela stands up.] Nibbler, time for walkies. Nibbler wakes up with a start jumping up and down on the couch.]
Scene: New New York City Street. It's a beautiful sunny day and the city is as busy as usual, down at a pavement Leela walks Nibbler with a leash and muzzle around his mouth.
Scene: Outside Robot Arms Apartments. Leela and Nibbler enter the building.
Scene: Robot Arms Apartments: Bathroom. Bender is drinking down aftershave near the sink.
Bender: 'Oh yeah, that's foamy! [He sees a packet of blue toilet-duck near the toilet.] Oohh toilet-duck. [He walks over to the toilet, picks up the toilet-duck, just when he's about to drink out of hit there are the sound of two knocks on the door.] Huh?
Cut to: Fry's and Bender's: Lounge. Bender answers the door to see Leela and Nibbler with the muzzle and leash off him.
Bender: 'What you want big boobs?
Leela: 'To see Fry.
Bender: 'Well, Ok. But he's still asleep.
Leela: 'I kinda know that. I'll just watch TV till he wakes.
Bender: 'Yeah, right. Anyway I gotta go. [He pushes past her out the door.]
Scene: Fry's Bedroom. The door opens slowly, Leela enters and puts her hands on her hips.
Leela: 'You slept with your clothes on? Dirty boy. [Seymour sniffs her boots, Leela leans down and pets him on the head.] Who's a good boy. [She walks over to Fry's bedside, then leans over him kissing him on the cheek, Fry smiles still sleep muttering Leela over and over again.] Sleep my baby.
Cut to: Fry's and Bender's: Lounge. Seymour and Nibbler chase one another around the room, Leela exits Fry's room looks around her surroundings.
Leela: 'God, this place is filthy. [She sees, dozens of Slurm cans on the floor throughout the place, a few half eaten Pizza Boxs and Chinese food, dozens of beer bottles all over the place, and a whole lot of other crap.] Hm, men. They'll clean it up in time.
[She sits down on the couch, picks up the remote, and turns on the News.]
Morbo: 'Good morning pathetic low-lifes of Earth that have nothing better to do in the morning, Linda.
Linda: 'Thanks Morbo, environmentalists groups report that an entire species of Cyprinodon Martius the Desert Muck Leech went extinct this morning at 7 am on Mars.
Linda: [reading a sheet of paper.] 'And they were all killed by ... a bunch of universe jumping Viking Bending Units who cut ever last one of them to tiny itsy bitsy pieces. [She puts down the sheet of paper.] Morbo.
Morbo: 'Thanks Linda, and here's the really unusual news some people are happy about the news of the extinction. [He picks up a sheet of paper.] Saying that they were the dark ones and the green age can not be stopped for the dark one's are no more.
Leela: 'Who are these people?
Linda: [reading a sheet of paper.] 'In other news Zapp Brannigan has been declared the greatest general in the history of the history of generals, from his victory of taking over the blind unarmed home world of the peaceful Numbodoons alien race, who never started a war with anyone of, and--
[Leela changes the channel, to show Mr. T's head is in a jar next to a small brown box marked "Mr. T's Tea".]
Mr. T: [on TV] 'I pity the fool who don't drink my tea!
[The front door opens, Bender walks in carrying a cardboard box.]
Leela: 'Where did you get that box?
Bender: 'Never you mind! [Leela stands up, Bender drops the box, then jumps onto the couch changing the channel with the remote to something that constantly shows random robots exploding.] Aww.
Leela: 'I have to go Bender, tell Fry I was here. Come on Nibbler! [She begins to walk towards the front door with Nibbler following.].
Bender: [looking at the TV not paying attention] 'Yeah yeah, whatever .... [He looks at Leela walking out the door.] What? [He lights up himself a cigar using his middle finger as a lighter.]
Scene: Outside Robot Arms Apartments. Leela and Nibbler who has his leash attached (guided by Leela) and his muzzle around his mouth exit the building.
Scene: Outside Planet Express. Just to the side of the building there's a open dumpster which Zoidberg lies asleep in.
Zoidberg: (sleepy-talking) 'Foo ... fff ... food ... fo ... food ... more food ... food now-- [He continues to sleep-talk about food.]
Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth paces back and forth rubbing his chin.
Farnsworth: 'Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm! [He flicks his fingers as if he's got an idea with a bone breaking sound.] Ow! (shouting) I've got it. [Farnsworth walks over to a unconscious chimpanzee strapped down on a metal table like Frankenstein.] And now to cut off the crown of the head. [He picks up a bone-saw and cuts the top of the chimpanzee's head off.] And now to pull the brain out. [He puts on white see-through plastic gloves, then pulls out the brain throwing it over his shoulder.] And to replace it with a cloned Human brain of mine, which is a copy of my brain. [He puts in a Human brain.] Ah, and now to put the crown back on. [He places chimpanzee's crown back on the top of the head then stitches it with a small stitch-gun looking like a pistol.] There you go. Now to wake him up gently. [He slaps the chimpanzee across the face.] Wake up!
Chimpanzee: (voice sounding exactly like Farnsworth's) 'Eh, wha? Whoa whoa-what! I'm a monkey?! [Farnsworth slaps him again across the face.] Ow!
Farnsworth: 'You imbecile you're a primate species of ape! Not a monkey you don't have a tail!
Chimpanzee: 'By science you're right, I don't know what came over me.
[Farnsworth's presses a button on the table opening the straps.]
Farnsworth: 'Go find a new world and call it "Monkeylon-prime-o" for where only monkeys and primates live together with no Humans allowed! Teach them to be as smart as you are, breed with their women so the DNA of my brain will live on in your children. [He walks over to the window and opens it.] Now go! Go Chimfarnszee! Go you abomination, freak of nature! Go! [Chimfarnszee jumps out the window.]
Chimfarnszee: 'Chimfarnszee away!
Zoidberg: (from outside) 'Ow! You woke me up by falling on top of me! Will you be my friend? [Sound of something squishy.] Ahh! Throw your faeces at me will yah?! I'll show you! [Another sound of something squishy.] Take that!
Chimfarnszee: (from outside) 'Oh my! [Sounds of coughing.] Oh. [Sounds of vomiting.] (screaming) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! The smell!
Zoidberg: (from outside) 'That's it run! Run! Run! Run!
Scene: Robot Arms Apartments: Fry's and Bender's: Lounge. Bender is seated down on the couch watching on TV rusty looking robots, with forward reaching arms, bite marks and holes all over their bodies, transmission fluid leaking from their mounts, discolored eyes, making groaning and moaning noises, and saying "Girders" as they walk down a dark city street.
Bender: 'Oh, crap! Those robot zombies are going to get them!
Fry's Voice: 'Morning Bender!
[Bender screams and falls off the couch dropping a brick.]
Bender: (shouting) 'Nooooo! Leave me alone! [He looks behind the couch to see Fry only wearing a pair of black boxers standing at the door to his bedroom.] 'Fry! You scared the brick out of me!
[Bender stands up and sits back down on the couch.]
Bender: 'Well, Ok. I guess I over reacted. [Down on the floor Seymour is smelling Bender's foot cuff.]
Cut to: Kitchen. Fry sits at a table with a white bowl, a glass of orange juice, a packet of "Bamboom's Fruit Savage Cereal " (that shows a Panda bear eating fruit on the packet, underneath in smaller writing of the main heading "Bamboom's Fruit Savage Cereal" it is says "Each of this cereal you buy goes to save Pandas bears".) and a jug of milk, in front of him on the table.
[Fry picks up the packet of "Bamboom's Fruit Savage Cereal" and pours it into his bowl half filling it, then puts it back down on the table, then he picks up the jug and pours some milk into his bowl half filling it, then he places it back down, then picks up the metal spoon beside his bowl and begins to eat his breakfast.]
Scene: Nimbus: Zapp's Quarters. Zapp wearing red velour pyjamas and a red velour sleeping cap lies awake in bed ringing a bell on a counter beside his bed.
Zapp: (shouting) 'Kif, Kif! I want my breakfast in bed already! [Kif enters with a tray that has a plate filled with an Irish breakfast and a white cup of tea.] Give it here! [Kif hands Zapp his breakfast. Zapp picks up a rasher with his hand and takes a bite out of it.] Bah! [He throws the tray across the room.] Dammit Kif! The bacon was too done! Go make my breakfast again. [Kif sighs.] Go! [Kif walks out with his head low in shame sighing.]
Scene: Robot Arms Apartments: Fry's and Bender's: Lounge. Bender is still seated on the couch watching TV, while Seymour lies down in the middle of the couch.
TV Announcer: 'Coming up next is Phewchurama.
Bender: 'Fry! Get in here! Past-O-Phewchurama is on TV!
[Fry runs in and sits down beside Bender. With music with ringing bells playing on the TV Screen, where there's a disco sort of light flashing out from the bottom in the middle of the light blue background. Then a world war one fighter plane colored black and white flies over near the top, in the middle pops up " PHEWCHURAMA " in red underneath and near the bottom pops up a quote "Back in the stupid ages". Then the plane flies through the first R in "PHEWCHURAMA" Then the coastline of New New York City appears on screen for around a second with the Statue Of Liberty briefly seen. Then the ship flies through the city passing by traffic jams in the sky, several billboards some of which are "Slurm""Bachelor Chow""MOM's Friendly ROBOT COMPANY" and "FLESHLO-POID DATING SERVICES". Then the plane passes by two tube lines filled with people, and then crashes through a billboard starting the show.]
Bender: 'In some ways I find that quite familiar.
Fry: 'Me two.
[On screen it shows Pirates, Vikings, and Knights, plus Romans fighting one another in a massive battle.]
Bender: 'Hmm, I don't recall in history that Pirates, Vikings, Crusading Knights, and Romans ever fought one another or even seen one another. Aren't they centuries apart?
Fry: 'Well, Yeah. But I guess their not very historically accurate, are they?
Bender: 'Nope. Yet it's still a lot of fun to watch them fighting anyway. [Fry's phone rings in his boxers pocket.] That'll be L. [Fry answers.]
Fry: 'Hello, Leela ... Hm, you want to meet up? ... Alright I'm coming. Bye! [He hangs up, then stands up.] Bender, I have to go meet Leela at the Cheap Fun Land Fair.
Bender: 'Only in your boxers?
Fry: 'Oh ... [Realizing he's just wearing boxers.] I better get dressed. [Fry walks into his bedroom.]
Bender: 'Give her one from me, Fry!
Fry: 'I will!
Scene: New New York City Street. Fry wearing his usual clothes walks around a corner at a pavement.
Fry: 'Wow! [He sees the very quiet 20th century looking Amusement park "Fun Land" that a few dozen of people attend, most of it's rides (If they can so be called rides?) are made out of wood, like "The Turning Wheelie Round, (A big wooden wheel that goes round in circles very slowly, which has a few people standing on it.) or "The Ladder" (which is just a plane not very high wooden ladder going up a red brick wall.)" Along with a few caravans and mobile homes for buildings.] It's as cheap lookin'. Also I smell dead fish.
[Leela comes into view wearing her green jacket (that she has open) over her tank top.]
Leela: 'Hey, Fry!
Fry: 'Hey, Leela!
Leela: 'Ready to have some fun?
Fry: (slightly louder than normal) 'Yeah!
[Fry and Leela take hold of each others hands and enter "Fun Land" by the main wooden gate entrance which is open. They walk past by a sign marked "Admission Is Free".]
Scene: Fun Land. Fry and Leela walk through the amusement park passing by various games, rides stalls like; Freak Pointing (where a bunch of aliens and mutated people sit on chairs being pointed at by Humans and some aliens.) Food stalls and vans giving out junk food and ice cream, The Pond Of Terror (which is just a kid's themed like Mickey mouse pool with a fake green plastic crocodile floating in it, Crack Addict from "My Three Suns" nervously approaches the pool.) The Spinning Cat (A black house cat sitting on a record player that's on a table where the cat goes around in circles on the record player that a few dozen people watch.) Hungry Hungry Decapodians (where Zoidberg and a few dozen others of his species with mud all-over them run around in a wet muddy field trying to catch fish heads and other seafoods (some of which slip and fall over into the mud every few seconds) that are being thrown into the field by people holding buckets of seafood outside the wooden fence around it). Fry and Leela come to a stop outside a red medieval looking tent with a sign next to it "Fortune Teller".
Fry: 'Can we go in here?
Leela: 'Oh come on, Fry! It's a Fortune Teller meaning: pure crap.
Fry: 'C'mon Leela! There might be something in it! [He gives her a doggy eye look.] Please.
Leela: 'Oh alright.
Scene: Fortune Teller's Tent. Fry and Leela walk through beads on strings hanging from the ceiling. The Gypsy robot from "The Honking" is out of her machine sitting at a table with cards in front of her.
Gypsy: 'Hello there!
Fry: 'Let's go, Leela.
Leela: 'What's wrong?
Fry: 'I'm scared.
Leela: 'Oh for God's sake! C'mon! I'll be with you.
Fry: (nervously) 'Hello.
Gypsy: 'Sit! [Fry and Leela take a seat around the table.] First, you must cross my hand with silver!
Fry: 'Silver? Ah, I don't think I have--
Gypsy: 'It's called role-playing you know. So, give me a 50 cent coin. Unless no, you don't want to know your future with keeping the 50 cent coin.
Fry: 'I want to know my future!
[Fry takes out from his pocket a 50 cent coin which he hands to her who places it down on the table.]
Gypsy: 'Now, I'll interpret one card at a time, please. [Fry picks up a card and places it in front of him to show he's got "Death".]
Fry: 'That's not good is it?
Gypsy: 'No no no, the Grim Reaper is the thing we all face, unless you have the money and you're imported enough to be placed into a head in a jar, or find the key to immortality
Fry: 'Oh. [Fry picks up another card and places it in front of him to show he's got "Death" again.] Ummm ...
Gypsy: 'Well, ah ... It will become clear at the next card. [Fry picks up yet another card and places it in front of him to show he's got "Death" yet again.] Aw, ummm. No refunds.
[Fry and Leela exchange looks.]
Scene: Fun Land: Outside Fortune Teller's Tent. Fry and Leela exit the tent.
Fry: (panicky) 'I'm going to die!
Leela: 'No you're not Fry, not till a very old age.
Fry: (panicky) 'But the cards they said--
[Leela pulls him close.]
Leela: 'Them cards mean nothing. Sure even Farnsworth's death clock said you're were meant to die last month.
Fry: 'Yeah, if Farnsworth wrong, she's surely wrong.
Leela: 'Exactly. [They lean in and kiss.]
[Time Lapse of non imported events.]
Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Bender, Fry and Leela sit around the table. Bender has a bottle of Bulmers. Fry has a can of Slurm and isn't wearing his red jacket over his white t-short. Enter Farnsworth with a large crate on a hover trolley.]
Farnsworth: 'Good news, everyone. [He presses a button on the trolley and it lowers itself to the floor.] We've got a very special delivery today.
Fry: 'Who's it going to?
Farnsworth: 'To me.
[Bender dusts off his hands.]
Bender: 'Another job well done.
Farnsworth: 'No, I need it shipped to my office at Mars University. [He strokes the crate.] It's a little experiment that may well win me the Nobel Prize.
Leela: 'In what field?
Farnsworth: 'I don't care, they all pay the same.
[Fry stands next to the box.]
Fry: 'Is it dangerous?
Farnsworth: 'Oh, my, no. [Fry kicks the box and the thing inside starts growling and shaking the box. Fry runs and hides behind Leela who has her fists raced in a marshal arts stance, while Seymour barks at the box. Farnsworth pulls a tranquiliser gun out of nowhere and loads a tranquiliser dart into it. He pokes the gun through a hole in the crate and shoots whatever is inside. It whimpers and the shaking and growling stops, and Seymour stops barking.] Well then, off we go!
Scene: Planet Express ship: Cockpit. Almost everyone of PE save for Hermes and Zoidberg is in the cockpit.
Fry: 'I wonder if Nibbler and Seymour would be ok?
Leela: 'That guy what's his name?
Fry: ' Scruffy?
Leela: 'That's the one! Will look after them back at our workplace.
Scene: Planet Express: Kitchen. Scruffy sits at a table reading a newspaper there is a white mug of coffee and a blue 500g open packet of KP salted peanuts on the table in front of him. Behind him in the background on the floor Nibbler and Seymour eat out of their own small double plastic containers marked with their names on them that have water on one side and minced meat in the other side.
Scruffy: 'Scruffy, is on break. [He turns a page.] Oh lard, you got nice one's lady. [He takes a sip of his coffee and picks out one peanut from the packet, puts it onto his tongue, closes his mouth and chews it very slowly; and continues to read the newspaper.]
Scene: Outside the Planet Express ship flying towards Mars.
Scene: Mars University Campus. The ship flies over a sign reading "Mars University. Knowledge Brings Fear" and lands in an empty space on the campus grounds.
[Time Lapse. Farnsworth takes Fry, Leela and Bender on a tour of the university grounds. They walk past a statue of a big-skulled Martian with octopus-like tentacles wielding a laser gun on horseback.]
Fry: 'Very impressive. Back in the 20th century we had no idea there was a university on Mars.
Farnsworth: 'Well, in those days Mars was just a dreary, uninhabitable wasteland, well the Native Martians lived there for as long as I don't care, yet eventually it was made liveable for Earth species, when the university was founded in 2636.
Leela: 'They planted traditional college foliage; ivy, trees, hemp. Soon the whole planet was terraformed.
Fry: 'Does that mean it's safe to breathe the air?
Farnsworth: 'Oh, of course it is, [Fry takes some huge breaths.] you stupid fool! If the air wasn't breathable, we would of been wearing space suits from when we left the ship
Scene: Outside Wong Library. The building is quite big, with "Socrates | Vos Savant | Cognitron" written across the top.
Farnsworth: 'Over here is Wong Library. It has the largest collection of literature in the Western Universe.
[Fry peers through the glass.]
[Cut to: Mars University: Wong Library. The building is empty, save for a single table in the middle of the room with two discs labelled "Fiction" and "Non-Fiction" propped up on it. Fry whistles, impressed.]
Cut to: Outside Wong Library.
Bender: [pointing] 'Hey, look! There's a chapter of my old robot fraternity, Epsilon Rho Rho.
[He points to a beaten up frat house with a neon "ERR" sign atop it. There is a smashed-up car, some kegs, a cable spool being used as a table, some kegs, some dustbins, some kegs, some upturned chairs and some kegs around it.]
Leela: 'You went to college?
Bender: 'Of course. I'm a bender, I went to Bending College. I majored in Bending.
Fry: 'What was your minor?
Bender: 'Robo-American Studies.
[Scene: Outside Epsilon Rho Rho House. Bender knocks on the door and a dorky fratbot answers it.]
Fratbot #1: 'Are you here to fumigate the moose head?
Bender: 'Uh, no, actually I'm an Epsilon from way back.
[They both to a crazy handshake full of tugs, whizzes and the creation of cosmic clouds.]
Fratbot #1: 'Eh, close enough. C'mon in.
Bender: 'Thanks. Here's your finger back.
[The fratbot takes it and Bender and the crew follow him in.]
[Cut to: Epsilon Rho Rho House. The place is a mess.]
Bender: 'All the coolest robots are in this fraternity.
[In another room two other fratbots sit at a table with a chessboard. The room is a mess, littered with empty pizza boxes, cans and books. A sock hangs over the moose head and there is a dartboard hanging on a door with darts jabbed in the wall around it. There is a pin-up of a Fembot and a Löbrau poster with a human woman on it on another wall. One of the other fratbots looks like he has glasses painted onto his face and the other one is very fat. The glasses one looks at the chessboard. The game hasn't begun.]
Fratbot #2: 'Mate in 143 moves.
Fratbot #3: 'Oh, pooh. You win again!
Bender: 'Uh-oh, nerds!
Fratbot #1: 'Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Gearshift, chapter president. This is Oily, and this here is Fatbot.
Bender: 'And you're all losers. My name's Bender.
[The fratbots gasp.]
Oily: 'Bender from Bending State Bender? Wow, you're a legend around here!
Fatbot: 'I heard that in one single night you drank a whole keg, streaked across campus and crammed 58 humans into a phone booth.
Bender: (modest) 'Yeah, well, a lot of 'em were children. Anyway I should get going.
[Leela comes down the stairs.]
Gearshift: 'No, Bender, wait. We're the lamest frat on campus. Even Hillel has better parties than us. Please, you've gotta stay and teach us how to be cool.
Bender: 'Hmm, OK. But I'll need 10 kegs of beer, a continuous tape of Louie Louie and a regulation two-storey panty-raid ladder.
[Fatbot wiggles his fingers with excitement.]
Fatbot: 'Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
Scene: Mars University Campus. Fry, Leela and Farnsworth continue the tour.]
Fry: I tell you, being here really takes me back to my college days.
[Flashback. At Coney Island, there is a "Snake Boy" stall and a water balloon stall where winners get a Bart and Homer Simpson doll. Fry stands by a Coney Island Community College booth. A buck-toothed man leans through a window wearing a gown and hat.]
Man #1: 'Step right up. Who wants to learn physics?
[Fry shrugs and walks in.]
Man #2: (from inside) 'Keep your hands inside the car at all times.
Fry: 'Good old Coney Island College! Go, rock blackfish!
Leela: 'Fry baby, don't take this the wrong way, but you don't really seem like the educated type.
Fry: 'Oh, yeah? [He takes a piece of paper out of his pocket with "Notice of Failure to Graduate" written on it. The CICC logo is a Ferris wheel.] Read it and weep. I'm a certified college dropout.
Leela: 'Fry according to days standards 20th century colleges were basically expensive daycare centres.
Farnsworth: 'That's true. By current academic standards, you're merely a high school dropout.
Fry: 'What? Well, would I need to be a high school dropout to keep my job as Delivery Boy?
Farnsworth: 'No, I higher almost anyone Fry. Even if they don't necessarily have the grades or the experience for the job or not.
Fry: 'Like Zoidberg?
Farnsworth: 'Exactly! Wha?
Farnsworth: 'Oh. Would you care to attend and try and drop out of University again? My price student needs a roommate.
Fry: 'Well, Ok. I guess it's something for me to do while I'm here.
Scene: Mars University Student Registration. A few people queue up in front of the enrolment tables for A-L and M-Y. Several aliens queue at Z. Fry joins the A-L line and leafs through a course catalogue. Amy wanders up behind him.]
Amy: 'Yo, classmate. What you takin'?
Fry: 'Oh, I don't know. [Farnsworth walks past with his crate on a hover trolley.] Hey, Professor, what are you teaching this semester?
Farnsworth: 'Same thing I teach every semester: The Mathematics of Quantum Neutrino Fields. I made up the title so that no student would dare take it.
Fry: [writing] 'Mathematics of quacktum neato leads. [He points his pencil at Farnsworth.] I'll be there!
Farnsworth: 'Please, Fry, I don't know how to teach; I'm a professor!
Fry: 'See you in class!
[Farnsworth grumbles as he walks off with his crate.]
[Scene: Mars University Campus. At night, Bender runs around the Martian statue and checks the coast is clear. He beckons to the fratbots and they run across the campus with a ladder. They lean it up against the side of a building and climb on. The ladder lifts them up to a window and they giggle as they peer through.]
Fatbot: 'This is gonna be great!
Cut to: Sorority House. Sexy blondes pillow fight in their slinky underwear, another takes her towel off and steps into the shower and another takes a haiband out of her hair and starts typing on a Mac. The robots stare towards her chest then suddenly stare at the Mac.
Bender: (from outside) 'Bingo!
Fatbot: (from outside) 'Oh, mama!
[Gearshift wolf whistles. The Mac fizzles and suddenly goes off.]
Bender: (from outside) 'Oh, yeah! Someone's been a bad computer! [The girl takes the front of the Mac revealing the circuits inside. The fratbots gasp.] Get a load of that!
[He zooms in and his eyes start to push him away from the glass.]
[Cut to: Mars University Campus. The ladder tips back and it and the fratbots crash into a building. Some guys wearing blue blazers and smoking pipes run out of Snooty House. The first, Meiderneyer, has brown hair and the second one, Chet, is blonde.]
Meiderneyer: 'I say, you've damaged our servants' quarters ... and our servants.
Chet: 'This time Robot House has gone too far.
Bender: 'Cheese it!
[They run off, screaming.]
Fatbot: (screaming) 'They're gonna catch us!
Scene: Financial Aid Dorm: Fry's Room. Fry looks around his new abode.]
Fry: 'Hey, pretty nice for a single. Two desks, two chairs, a couple of beds. [There is a knock at the door.] A woodpecker.
Leela: 'I think that may be your roommate.
Fry: 'Oh, alright. You mean it can't be you?
Leela: 'Sorry, Fry no. [She hugs him.] But maybe we can do something later. Like-- [The door opens and a monkey wearing a bowler hat and carrying two cases walks in.]
Monkey: 'Am I interrupting something?
[Fry and Leela break out of the hug and turn to look at the monkey.]
Fry: 'A little. [Noticing it's a monkey.] Whoa whoa, what?
Monkey: 'Top bunk is mine! [It jumps over Fry and Leela to the top of the bunk bed.]
[Time Lapse. The monkey hums as it empties it's case. It takes out a toothbrush and toothpaste, a hairbrush and a hairdryer.]
Fry: 'My roommate's a monkey?
Monkey: (sarcastic) 'Brilliant deduction, you're a credit to your species.
[Enter Farnsworth pushing the empty crate.]
Farnsworth: 'Ah, Fry, I see you've met Guenter!
Fry: 'You know each other?
Farnsworth: 'Guenter is my experiment. He was the top secret contents of this stinking crate.
[He lowers the crate and pats it.]
Guenter: 'I'd rather live in a crate than share a room with this dork.
Leela: [She narrows her eye at Guenter tightening her fist] 'This so called dork is my boyfriend.
Guenter: 'And are you one two?
[Leela shoulders raise as she walks three steps towards Guenter.]
Farnsworth: 'Now now, Leela clam down.
Farnsworth: 'Oh, I meant calm
Fry: 'So how does he talk?
Farnsworth: 'The question is to not how he can talk, but to how's he's intelligent enough to talk.
Farnsworth: 'Well Guenter's intelligence actually lies in his electronium hat which harnesses the power of sunspots to produce cognitive radiation.
[Fry scratches his head in confusion. Guenter scoffs.]
Guenter: 'You're wasting your breath, Professor. He'll never understand a word of it.
Fry: I under-- [Leela elbows him] Ow.
Leela: (whispering in Fry's ear) 'Don't react to him, he's just a bully.
Scene: Mars University: 20th Century History Lecture Hall. The teacher scrawls "20th Century History" on the blackboard with a piece of chalk and presses a button which converts it to clean text. Guenter is sat to the left of Fry and Amy two seats left. Fry chuckles.]
Fry: 'This is gonna be a cakewalk!
Teacher: 'Welcome to the history of the 20th century. Look to your left, then to your right. Then in nine other directions. One of the 12 of you will not pass this class.
Amy: 'Boring. [She leans over to Guenter.] Let's hear about Walter Mondale already!
Teacher: 'Be forewarned: The only sure way to get an A in this class is to have lived in the 20th century.
[He swishes his hands. The teacher presses a button in front of him marked "Fry" and Fry gets electrocuted.]
Teacher: 'You were saying, Mr. Fry?
Fry: 'I'm from the 20th century. Go ahead, ask me anything.
Teacher: 'Very well. What device invented in the 20th century allowed people to view broadcast programmes in their own homes?
Fry: 'Ooh ... I know this ... whatyya call it? Lite Brite!
[The teacher electrocutes him again. Guenter laughs and points his pencil in the air.]
Guenter: 'I believe the answer is the television.
Teacher: 'Very good, Mr. ... [He checks his list.] ... Guenter.
Amy: (impressed) 'Wow! Smart and cute!
[She ruffles Guenter's fur. Guenter smiles cockily at Fry.]
Fry: (thinking) 'Whatever dude, I already have an angel for a girlfriend Leela.
Scene: Mars University: Mentholyptus Hall. Dean Vernon sits in his office at his desk carefully adjusting parts of a model spaceship with old-fashioned sails.
Vernon: 'What I love about being dean of students is the peace and quiet and the respect I receive. [The phone rings.] Now what's all this about?
[He puts it on speaker-phone.]
Woman: [on phone] 'Dean Vernon, the students from Robot House are here.
[Vernon takes off his glasses.]
Vernon: 'Robot House!
[Enter Bender and the other fratbots.]
Bender: 'Hey, dean, nice looking model.
[Vernon quickly pulls it back from the edge of the desk.]
Vernon: 'You keep away from it. You robots are a disgrace to this university. Whenever a fire alarm is pulled, it's Robot House. Whenever the campus liquor store is looted, Robot House. Whenever a human corpse is desecrated--
Bender: 'Now, I can explain that.
Vernon: That's enough out of you. From this day forth, Robot House is on dodecatupple-secret probation!
[The robots gasp.]
Bender: 'No fair!
Fatbot: 'My mom is gonna kill me!
[Vernon puts his glasses back on.]
Vernon: 'Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to the one thing that's kept me sane these past eight years: My model ship.
[He looks down. The ship isn't on his desk. His jaw drops when he sees Fatbot eating it.]
Gearshift: 'Fatbot! No!
Fatbot: 'When I get nervous I get hungry.
[Vernon grits his teeth.]
Bender: 'Cheese it!
[Cut to: Mars University: Outside Mentholyptus Hall. The robots burst through the doors, run down the steps and away.]
Vernon: (shouting; from inside) 'Robot House!
Scene: Cafe. Fry sits beside Leela who's reading a book called "dating people from the stupid ages" and a tray in front of her with a plastic bottle of Comet's Water (it's named Comet's Water with a picture of a comet with a red and white striped straw sticking in it) and a bowl filled with a grilled chicken caesar salad, Fry has a tray in front of him with a ham & cheese brown roll and a white plastic cup of coffee.
Scene: Fry lies in bed at the bottom of the bunk-bed, there is knocking at the door, Fry gets up out of bed only in his boxers and answers the door to see Leela looking quite angry with her arm crossed and her eye narrowed.]
Leela: 'Fry, [She walks in.] are you still lying in bed at 4. 30 pm in the afternoon?
Fry: (sleepily) 'Because that monkey kept me awake all night long shouting at me and calling me an idiot.
[Leela anger on her face immediately subsides, turning to a look of pity.]
Leela: 'You poor thing. [She hugs him and then kisses him on the lips.] Well anyway it about time you got up anyway. Get dressed.
Scene: Mars University: Mathematics of Quantum Neutrino Fields Lecture Hall. Farnsworth has drawn a diagram and some algebra on the blackboard under the heading "Today's Lesson: WD or 'Witten's Dog'.]
Farnsworth: 'And therefore, by process of elimination, the electron must taste like grapeade.
[He turns around to his class ... who aren't there. The door opens and Fry walks in.]
Fry: 'Sorry, I overslept.
Farnsworth: 'Until 5pm?
Fry: 'It's that obnoxious monkey. He kept me up all night with his constant thinking. Just thinking and thinking. He's trying to make me look like an idiot.
Farnsworth: 'Don't be jealous. Without his special hat, Guenter might be no more intelligent than you are.
Fry: 'I hate that rodent!
Farnsworth: 'Fry, that monkey is my most important experiment. If you two don't stop fighting I'll have you both neutered.
Fry: 'But I can't be neutered I need that to please Leela sexually, and to possibly have a child with her one day.
Farnsworth: 'Then get along.
Scene: Mars University Parent's Reception. A string quartet plays in the corner of the room near a portrait of Vernon holding his model ship. The room is well-decorated, with bookshelves lined with old books, chandeliers and large armchairs. Guests include the boys from Snooty House and the fratbots. Amy is wearing a long white dress and introduces her parents to Vernon.
Amy: 'Dean Vernon, I'd like you to meet my parents, Leo and Inez.
Vernon: 'Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Wong, I'm so glad we could admit Amy in exchange for your generous contribution.
Mr. Wong: 'How much more for Phi Beta Kappa?
Vernon: 'How much you got?
[Fry scoops up some hors d'evours from the buffet and shovels them in his mouth. Guenter sidles up beside him.]
Guenter: 'Sorry I'm late, I was off at a study session ... with Chrissy!
Fry: 'I don't give the slightest damn who this Chrissy is. I got Leela.
Farnsworth: Oh, I'm glad you made it, Guenter because in honour of parents weekend I have a special surprise for you.
[He pulls a purple sheet off a cage. There are two monkeys inside.]
Guenter: (horrified) 'Mom? Dad? What are you doing here? [The monkeys start jumping around and shaking the cage bars. The other guests stare and Guenter covers his eyes.] This is so humiliating.
Fry: (thinking) 'Don't take advantage, remember what Leela told you.
Flashback Leela's Voice 'Don't react to him, he's just a bully.
[Farnsworth puts the sheet back over the cage. The monkeys quiet down.]
Farnsworth: 'They were quite quiet when I brought them here?
Bender: 'That's because I helped you drug them. Now, I gotta go on a road trip to Tijuana and get Fatbot some action.
[Oily and Gearshift high-five.]
Fatbot: 'It's my first time, I'm really nervous.
[He eats the portrait of Vernon. Vernon wipes his face and sees.]
Vernon: (shouting) 'Robot House!
Scene: Financial Aid Dorm Corridor. Fry and Leela walk down the corridor, Guenter comes running up to them.
Fry: 'What do you want? Come to insult my intelligence again?
Guenter: 'No, I'm sorry the way I acted.
Fry: 'That's great man ... just try and be more nice to me.
Scene: Mars University: 20th Century History Lecture Hall. "Test Today" flashes on the board and Guenter scribbles away, hard at work. Farnsworth stands at the front with the teacher.]
Farnsworth: 'Look at him. I'm so proud.
Fry: 'Thanks, Professor!
Farnsworth: 'Not you.
[He presses the electrocution button and Fry screams.]
Fry: (screaming) 'Ow!
[Fry leans over and takes a peek at Guenter's paper and writes down his answers copying him that's written on his paper.]
[Students in a line hand over their sheets to Farnsworth. Fry walks up and hands his sheet; Farnsworth rubs his chin and writes a B+.]
Farnsworth: 'I don't know how you got that. [Guenter hands a sheet and Farnsworth writes an A+.]
Scene: Mars Surface. There is a Big Fraternity Raft Regatta and crowds have turned out to watch. The fratbots pull their dilapidated raft into the river alongside other frats.]
Vernon: 'You all know the rules. Whichever house wins the regatta becomes head of the Greek Council. And should that house currently be on any type of multiple secret probation, it will be lifted and I will be forced to serve as Grand Marshal of a parade honouring them.
[The SS Von Snoot pulls up alongside Bender's raft.]
Chet: 'I say, Robot House, your water craft is as ill-designed as you yourselves.
Meiderneyer: 'Good one, Chet!
[They laugh, chink their glasses and gulp down their champagne.]
Bender: 'Oh, yeah? Watch this!
[He rips the top of a keg off, downs the whole thing and belches a huge flame. He crushes the keg against his head and the Snootys stare.]
Chet: 'Well, I never!
Vernon: 'Fraternities, on your marks. [From the sky a Bending Unit drops on top of him causing him to fire the gun at a random direction.]
[The SS Von Snoot and Robot House's raft sail off.]
[Pan back over to Vernon lying on the ground pushing off the Bending Unit on him.]
Vernon: 'Who are you? Or where the hell did you come from?
Bender: 'The names Bender Bending Rodriguez of universe 555KZ092WX. And-- [Bender disappears with a blinding flash of light.]
Scene: Mars River. The SS Von Snoot and Robot House's raft which go along side one another going back and forth switching between who's first in the race.
Chet: 'Give up Robot House! You cannot win!
Bender: 'Oh, yeah! [He lies down extends his legs into the water and starts kicking speeding the raft up going ahead of the SS Von Snoot.] See ya suckers!
Chet: 'Can he do that?
Meiderneyer: [reading a book called "Mars' Boat Racing Rules".] 'Apparently it appears he can.
Cut to: Finish Line.
Vernon: 'And the winner is ... Wait! Is that Robot House? [Robot House's raft comes speeding towards the finish line.] ... Noooo!
Scene: Mars University Campus. Dean Vernon keeps his word and reluctantly heads the parade honouring the robots of ERR. Fatbot stands at the front of the float and waves to everyone. Farnsworth and Amy are on the float as well. Guenter leaps on Farnsworth and he pats him on the head.]
Bender: (shouting) 'Come on, everyone! Big party in Robot House!
[The students cheer and dance to Lloyd Williams' Shout. As they dance Animal House-esque subtitles appear under the main characters. "Fry Dropped Out Successfully And Returned To His Dead-End Delivery Job; appears under Fry; "Guenter Got His The Mathematics of Quantum Neutrino Fields Degree And Became A Mad Scientist Just Like Farnsworth Wanted And Started Working With Chimfarnzee Another Mad Scientist On The Planet "Monkeylon-prime-o" appears under Guenter; "Fatbot Caught A Computer Virus In Tijuana And Had To Be Rebooted" under Fatbot; "Leela Went On Another Date With Fry At Elzar's Afterwards They Had Hot Snu-Snu For The First Time (which didn't get her pregnant, becautions were taken) Back At Her Place" appears under Leela; "His Job Done, Bender Stole Everything Of Value From Robot House And Ran Off" under Bender.]
Scene: Omicronian Living Room. Lrrr and Nd-Nd sit on a couch, watching Single Female Lawyer on their small oval TV, on the screen is a judge and the single female lawyer, who bears an uncanny resemblance to Calista Flockhart. In fact the entire show is pretty much Ally McBeal.]
Judge: [on TV] 'Counselor, I remind you that it's unethical to sleep with your client. If you really care about the outcome of the case, you should sleep with me.
Jenny McNeal: [on TV] 'Your Honour, it's bad enough to proposition a single female lawyer in court, but this is a unisex bathroom.
Judge: [on TV] 'Overruled, counselor!
[He grabs her and they kiss, and she moans sexually. A cubicle door opens and a stenographer appears with a machine.]
Stenographer: [on TV] 'Could you repeat that last part?
[Jenny McNeal moans sexually again. Then the screen changes to the courtroom.]
Scene: Robot Arms Apartments: Bathroom. Fry wearing nothing but his white underpants is standing at the sink (half filled with water) washing his face with a white bar of soap. He picks up a red plastic razor with a blunt plastic blade, that he dips into a jar of "Shave-O-Mite" and runs it along his face. There is a buzzing and his facial hair is completely removed giving him a perfect shave, he then picks up a bottle marked Gillrocket Shaving Balm, and puts some balm on his hands, which he then rubs allover his face.
Bender: (from outside room) 'Are you done in there yet?
Bender: 'Then c'mon, let's go then.
Scene: New New York City Street. Fry wearing his usual clothes holding Seymour by his dog leash walks him along a pavement, while Bender walks along side them both. Bender is drinking out of a bottle of Magners.
Bender: 'Man, I love rotten apples.
[A man (the same man from Less Than Hero) steps out in front of them from an alleyway.]
Man: 'Excuse me. Hi! Do you have a minute? I live in Jersey City and my car broke down and I need to get back because my Aunt's real sick and-- [Bender extends his arms behind him, then bends his back backwards with a bone breaking sound.] Owwww. [He falls over onto the ground.] You broke my back!
Bender: 'Yeah so what?! Go mug someone else! [His eyes zoom in.] Ohh, nice wallet. [He takes his wallet out from his pocket.] Let's keep on going Fry.
Scene: 'Planet Express: Lounge. Fry (who's right arm is bent sideways) a and Bender sit on the couch watching static on TV. Fry holds a can of Slurm and Bender holds a can of Bulmers.
Bender: 'God, I love rotten apples.
[Hermes walks in.]
Hermes: 'What in the name of Bob Marley's ghost? Get to work, you lazy boat bags! [He takes out a remote from his pocket, and turns off the TV with it.]
Bender: (shouting) 'Hey! We were watching that! [Hermes rolls up a newspaper and hits Bender with it.] Ow!
[Fry chuckles. Hermes hits him.]
Fry: 'Ow! Hey, quit it, Hermes. It's Labor Day.
Hermes: 'Labor Day? That phoney-baloney holiday crammed down our throats by fat-cat union gangsters?
Fry: 'That's the one.
Hermes: 'Hot damn, a day off! [He takes off his jacket and shirt and sits between Fry and Bender and turns the TV back on; showing static again. Bender hands him a beer.] Can we watch something else?
Bender: 'No, I like this show.
Fry: [gesturing his bent right arm] 'Believe me, I've tried
Hermes: (sadly) 'Oh.
[The rest of the staff walk in wearing and carrying various things. Zoidberg wears an old-fashioned green striped swimsuit and a lobster rubber ring around his waist; Amy wears a pink bikini and carries a fold-up chair; Leela wears her green swimsuit with the hole around the navel and carries a picnic bag; Farnsworth carries a red parasol and wears 3/4-length shorts, though he still wears his lab coat and slippers.]
Leela: 'Who's up for one last summer beach trip? (worriedly/shocked) Fry! What happened [Hermes walks off, while Bender and Fry stand up.]
Fry: 'Bender, bent my arm for trying to change the channel with the remote.
Leela: 'Bender, fix his arm back!
Bender: 'Can't it wait a bit of an awhil--
Leela: (shouting) 'Now!
Bender: 'Alright, alright! Big bazongas! [He bends Fry's right arm back in place.]
Fry: 'Ow! Aw, that's better. [He sits down on the couch, picks up the remote and changes the channel, to show two apes fighting in a boxing-ring.]
Leela: 'Fry, you not coming?
Fry: 'Nah, I think I'll just waste the day watching TV.
Leela: 'Fry, you're wasting your life sitting in front of that TV. You need to get out and see the real world.
[She walks between him and the TV. Fry peers around her.]
Fry: 'But this is HDTV. It's got better resolution than the real world!
Leela: 'Everyone's too polite to say anything but you're covered with bed sores.
Fry: 'Not covered!
Bender: 'I've never noticed them. Maybe it's because you sleep beside him quite a lot after getting all freaky deaky with him when he's at your place.
Leela: [Her eye narrowed at Bender.] 'Shut up, Bender. [Bender backs away from Leela.] (sexfully) And Fry, if you come, me and you might do something together that you'll very much like.
Fry: 'I'm going. [He rushes off.]
[Bender elbows Farnsworth.]
Bender: 'Boi-oi-oi-oiing! Huh-huh? [Leela narrows her eye at him.] Nothing!
Farnsworth: 'Eh, wha? Did you say something tin-man?
Bender: (shouting/angrily) 'And I'm not a tin-man!
Scene: Car. Leela drives the crew across the desert in a dark blue convertible. With her in the front are Farnsworth and Fry. Fry has taken off his red jacket and swapped it for red shorts. Amy, Hermes and Zoidberg sit in the back and Bender lies across the three of them with his chest cabinet hanging open with both Seymour and Nibbler sticking their heads out inside .]
Scene: Monument Beach Car Park. Leela parks in the packed car park and the crew get out.
Farnsworth: 'Ah, here we are: Monument Beach!
[Fry gazes at the beach. People climb the Great Sphinx of Giza and alongside it is St. Peter's Tower, the White House, Randy's Donuts, many moai of Easter Island, the Leaning Tower of Pisa and Mount Rushmore.]
Fry: 'Wait, Mount Rushmore and the Leaning Tower of Pisa? I didn't know they were both in New York!
[Leela unpacks some things from the boot.]
Leela: 'They are now. In the 2600's, New Yorkers elected a super-villain governor, and he stole most of the world's monuments.
Bender: 'Truly a great man. Look at him up there.
[He looks up at the super-villain and whistles. The governor's head has been carved into the mountain next to the other presidents' heads.]
Fry: 'I'm gonna build sand castles that will stand the test of time and will be worthy of those monuments!
Bender: (mockingly) 'Good luck with that.
[Scene: Monument Beach. Leela lies on a sunbed and picks up a tube of Tanning Butter from the ground. She squeezes some onto her legs and hums as she rubs it in. Zoidberg picks up a chunk of real butter and rubs it across his head and groans, then throws it away into a pile of dozens other packets of butter. Fry with a pair of red kid's bucket and spade makes sand castles. Hermes walks across in front of; Fry, Zoidberg, Amy and Leela with a metal detector. It beeps rapidly.]
Hermes: 'Aha! [He puts the metal detector down and digs in the sand.] Found you!
[Bender's head pops up from the sand.]
Bender: 'OK, now you go hide. [Hermes puts the trowel down and hands Bender the metal detector and runs off. Bender throws the metal detector away and chuckles.] Nice knowing you.
[He runs to a sunbed, picks up a drink and closes his eyes.]
[Time Lapse. Farnsworth and Zoidberg versus Amy and Leela in a beach volleyball game. Amy passes to Leela and she hits it over the net. It hits Farnsworth on the head and knocks him over. He groans. The ball lands on Zoidberg's claw and bursts. He frowns and throws it into a pile of at least 20 other burst balls. Farnsworth stands up.]
Farnsworth: 'Come on, Zoidberg, I passed it right to you.
Zoidberg: 'I've had it with this game! I'm going for a scuttle!
[He crouches down and scuttles into the water.]
[Time Lapse. Leela is back on her sunbed and Bender is on his.]
Bender: 'OK, everyone, come and get it!
[He opens his door. He has turned his chest cabinet into a grill and there are four cooked burgers on a wire rack. He takes one out and puts it in a bun and hands it to Fry. Fry takes a bite.]
Fry: 'Ah, just like my dad used to make ... until Burger King fired him.
Bender: 'Bite my red-hot glowing ass. [Smoke rises from behind him.] Wait a minute. Red-hot glowing ass? [He turns around and sees his red-hot glowing ass. He turns back to Fry.] (calmly) I'll be right back! [He gets up and runs into the sea, waving his arms around.] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! [His ass sizzles in the cool water.] Awww, yeah!
[Amy, Leela and Fry eat their burgers while Farnsworth sleeps. Nibbler watches, licking his lips. Amy's burger slips out of the roll and onto her chest. Nibbler leaps up.]
Amy: 'No, Nibbler! [Nibbler runs off with the burger and her bikini top. She gasps and covers herself with the burger buns.] (whispering) Psst, Professor, I need another bikini.
[Farnsworth wakes up.]
Farnsworth: 'Eh ... wha? [He sees her.] Oh, oh, OK, I think there's one can left. [He reaches into a bag next to him and takes out a spray can and hands it to her. She sprays it over her making a brand new pink bikini.] Oh, my.
[She sprays the straps on her back and turns around.]
Amy: 'There. How do I look?
[Farnsworth wiggles his glasses.]
Farnsworth: 'Like a cheap French harlot.
[Time Lapse. Fry finishes sculpting a sandcastle. A muscley blonde guy stands over him and kicks the sandcastle in his face. Leela gasps and Fry spits the sand out. The guy turns to Leela.]
Bully: 'Say, doll-face-- [Seymour bites his foot, then runs quickly away.] Ow! [He tries to kick Seymour, that misses, for Seymour did a hit and run on him.] Stupid dog!
Leela: 'You're lucky you missed him, or you would of got one hell of an ass whooping
Bully: 'Yeah. Anyway, doll-face, how'd you like to make time with a real man?
Leela: 'No. You're far from a real man.
[Fry stands up.]
Fry: 'Yeah. (nervously) I'm, a real manish man, [He turns to look at Leela.] right?
Leela: 'You are in my eye, muscles aren't everything. [She wraps her arms around him both of her hands are down on his butt, and Fry does the same with his down on her butt.] (sexfully) Besides, I like my guy a little squishy and huggable, or at least moderately toned a bit. [She kisses him passionately.] (moaning sexually) Mmm--
Bully: 'Fine, I'm homosexual anyway.
[He runs off.]
Bender: (shouting/out of sight) 'Wooooo! Look at them two love birds kissing and touching each others asses!
[Pan over to Farnsworth adjusting his glasses, while Seymour howls near by.]
Farnsworth: (sexually) 'Oh my! This is almost as good as Ultra Porn.
[Pan back over to Fry and Leela not holding one another or kissing anymore, who both look red in the face and embarrassed.]
[Scene: Seabed. Zoidberg scuttles around the water and comes upon a pile of eight fish skeletons. He starts slurping them.]
Zoidberg: 'Uh-oh. [A lobster pot traps him.] Help! Help! [He knocks on the trap. Bender wanders by, whistling.] Bender, you gotta spring me. I'll never survive in here; I'm too pretty!
Bender: 'Alright, alright, I'll bust you out. [He bends the bars and spotlights shine on the pair and an alarms beep.] Cheese it!
[Then they run off.]
Scene: Monument Beach. Hermes lies on a sunbed next to Farnsworth. Bender and Zoidberg emerge out of the water.
Bender: 'Hey! I found you!
Hermes: 'I already knew, you weren't playing anymore.
[Pan over to Fry, who has finished reconstructing his sandcastle.]
Fry: 'Voila. The greatest sandcastle ever built. This is the kind of castle King Arthur would have lived in, if he were a fiddler crab.
[Leela, Hermes and Farnsworth gather round.]
Leela: 'It's very nice. We should get a picture before the tide comes in.
Fry: 'And the tide will destroy my sandcastle?
Leela: 'I'm afraid so Fry.
Fry: (sad) 'Oh, so it won't stand the test of time and be remembered through the ages?
Leela: 'I'm sorry Fry.
Fry: 'Well, let's take a picture before the the tide comes in as you said.
[Seymour, Nibbler, Amy, Zoidberg and Bender arrive. Bender's left eyelid covers his left eye and his right eye zooms out. The rest of the staff kneel next to the castle.]
Bender: 'I wanna be in the picture too. [He takes his head off and puts it on the ground. He pushes his antenna down and it flashes like a timer. His body joins the staff.] Pretend you're happy.
[They smile, Leela takes hold of Fry's hand.]
Zoidberg: 'Yay! Wait, I'm not happy at all.
[The camera flashes taking the picture showing them all smiling, apart from Zoidberg; who's got his mouth wide open, eyes closed, and his claws covering his face making him look like he's crying.]
[Time Lapse. Bender sits on a sunbed, Solar panels are above him coming out from his head; while out in the water the rest of the PE staff swim around, splash one another and generally have fun.]
Fry: (shouting) 'Come on Bender, join us!
Bender: 'Nah, I'd rather just lie here and take in these sweet photons. Which I don't know if their waves or particles, but none the less they go down smooth. [He takes out his gaydar and points it at the same beach bully from earlier walking past, it beeps.] Ha-ha, you're gay!
[Pan over to Fry and Leela in the water holding one another in each others' arms kissing.]
[Time Lapse hours later, the sun begins to set; Fry and Leela finally break their kiss.]
Leela: 'Fry, I would like if you'd stay at my place tonight.
Fry: (excitedly/ with his hands in the air) 'Alright!
[Pan over to Bender now standing up holding his folded up sunbed on the sand of the beach, the rest of the PE staff can be seen packing their stuff away.]
Bender: 'Come, on you two! Let's go! Oh, and Fry the tide came in and destroyed your sandcastles.
Fry: (screaming) 'Noooooooooooo--
[Time Lapse. In the car park all the PE staff plus Nibbler and Seymour enter the car. Leela is at the wheel, she reverses the car out turning it to the right, then drives off.]
Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. All the PE staff back in their normal clothes sit on the couch and some of which sit on the floor watching the news on TV.
Morbo: 'And that's why fundamentalist Doopies are Morbo's vermin of the day, Linda.
Linda: 'And now to real news, President McNeal has been shot!
[The PE staff gasp, Bender laughs.]
Bender: 'Good enough for the bastard!
Linda: 'While he was driving his hover car in Dallas, Texas, in the Dealey Plaza.
Farnsworth: (crying) 'Oh, just like John F. Kennedy back in 1963 same street and all. Somebody hold me! [Zoidberg hugs him, while he whales.]
Scene: Night Time: Outside Planet Express. Fry holds Seymour by his dog leash and Leela doing the same with Nibbler exit their workplace's front door, followed shortly after by Bender smoking a cigar.
Bender: 'See ya tomorrow lucky Fry with your girlfriend and her big ol gazongas!
Leela: 'See ya Bender. [Bender begins to walk away.] You really like my chest don't you?
[Bender stops in his tracks with a nervous look on his face.]
Bender: [His back to her.] 'Um yeah, but at any rate I'm sure Fry does too. [He continues on his way.]
Leela: 'Indeed he does.
Fry: 'Yup! (panicky) Oh, I mean--
Leela: 'It's OK Fry. You're a man, it's who you are. [They begin to walk away from the building on the pavement.] So, what would you like for dinner tonight?
Fry: 'Um, I think I'll have--
Scene: Apartment 1I: Living Room. Fry, Leela and both Nibbler and Seymour free from their leashes walk inside the front door.
Leela: 'Want me to get us our dinner?
Fry: 'Yeah, I'm starving.
[Seymour and Nibbler; chase one another around the room, and wrestle on the floor.]
Leela: 'Extra meaty pizza, yeah?
Fry: 'Yes, please.
[She presses a few buttons on her wrist thingy.]
Leela: 'There, it'll be here in about 20 minutes,
Fry: 'So in the mean time we'll watch TV?
Leela: 'OK, but I was thinking we could watch a DVD, maybe?
Fry: 'Nah, not today. [They sit down on the couch. Fry picks up the remote and turns on the TV, to show two monkeys fighting in a boxing-ring.]
Fry: 'Yeah! Give it to him!
Leela: (thinking) 'I gotta give him TV time as well.
Scene: Planet Express: Attic. Within the darkness of the room at a table with a candle lantern on it Farnsworth sits wearing light blue pajamas and a light blue sleeping cap to match; in a hover white arm chair at the table with the F-Map lying on it.
Farnsworth: 'Hmm, [He rubs his chin thoughtfully] ah yes where was I. [He presses a few buttons on the F-Map. It shows on screen Robot Santa sitting on his chair writing on his list looking at a huge screen ]
Robot Santa: 'Hey! Farnsworth! Stop being so nosey! This is the second time! I am the one meant to be watching you, not you to be the one watching me!
[Pan out Farnsworth presses some more buttons on the F-Map.
Farnsworth: 'Oh my, so it is true!
Scene: Apartment 1I: Living Room. Fry and Leela sit on the couch watching TV making-out. There is a knock on the door.]
Leela: [standing up] 'I'll get that.
[She walks over to the front door, opens it, to see Sal wearing a delivery boy garb. His cap has a slice of pizza stuck in it; he holds a large white pizza box.]
Sal: 'Here's what's ya orders. That'lls bes 15 dollars, with no tip. [Leela hands him a 15 dollar bill, then he hands her the pizza box] Eat up! [He walks off. Leela closes the door, then walks over to the couch and sits back down beside Fry.]
Leela: 'Let's eat.
[Fry opens the pizza box, revealing a huge pizza with lot's of meaty toppings, he takes a slice along with Leela doing the same, and they begin to eat it.]
[Time Lapse, down to the last slice, Fry and Leela both try to grab it. Though in doing so their hands touch one another's. Then Nibbler jumps on the couch and sucks up the last pizza slice, Fry and Leela exchange looks then laugh, and give Nibbler a pet. Seymour joins them, sitting down beside Fry, who gives him a pet.]
Leela: 'When you're ready Fry, I'd like if you'd come with me to the bedroom.
Fry: 'I'm ready!
[Leela takes hold of his hand, and they walk into her bedroom.]
[Time Lapse to the next day.]
Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry and Leela drink out of mugs of coffee sitting around the conference table. Bender walks in drinking out of a bottle of Captain Morgan.
Bender: 'Did ye have fun last night DNA shooters?
Fry and Leela: 'Yep.
[Bender takes a seat next to Fry, Farnsworth walks in with his hands in the air.]
Farnsworth: 'Good news everyone!
Bender: 'Oh great, let's start booking our funerals!
Farnsworth: 'Us four will be making an archaeological dig on the planet Chamomynity Pharnsy Wobafone.
Bender: 'Oh great, digging up old crap.
Farnsworth: 'That I discovered in 2999 last year by me using my Smell-O Scope.
Bender: 'We know, we saw it on the news last year!
Farnsworth: (shouting/angrily) 'I'm sure Fry didn't!
Fry: 'Nope. I'm was frozen at the time.
Farnsworth: 'Yes, indeed. Anyway, it's a planet that's drifting through deep space halfway between our Milky Way galaxy and the Andromeda galaxy.
Bender: 'Oh, so this is not a suicidal mission like your usual ones you send us on?
Farnsworth: 'Indeed not, why would I come if it were?
Bender: 'Good point. Wait, if the planet's out that far would it mean that the temperature would be absolute zero?
Farnsworth: 'Yes, but we got self-heating radiating thick layered deep-space suits. That can more than withstand the coldest temperature there is.
Farnsworth: 'Anyhoo, it is said there are many valuable artefacts [Both of Bender's eyes show this $ symbol in green with a opening cash register ch-ching sound.] and technology. [Bender stands up.]
Bender: (shouting) 'Let's go already! [He runs up the steps of the ship.]
Fry: 'Don't mind him. Go on.
Farnsworth: 'It is believed that the planet was once lush and green like Earth, due to salt being found in the massive deep canyons that stretch for thousands of miles as if they use to have contained oceans. Some suggest an intelligent alien race once lived there, for scientists have found among various other things the remains of what look like buildings
Fry: 'Wow! I barely understand any of the words you've just described to me.
Farnsworth: 'Well it wasn't targeted towards you in particular, but rather the person in some other parallel universe viewing our universe on the Internet on his or her computer screen or something. Watching are very lives without us even knowing, reading this on some web site called the Futurama Madhouse, and many other universes like ours are being read without them evening knowing that they are being watched.
[Leela and Fry give Farnsworth weird looks.]
Leela: 'Ok, whatever you say. (whispering in Fry's ear) He's crazy.
Fry: (whispering in Leela's ear) 'Hell yeah, he's crazy.
Farnsworth: 'And guess what Zoidberg get's to come along.
Zoidberg [running in/ shouting] 'Hooray! I get to go somewhere with friends.
[Farnsworth, Leela, and Fry looking up at the ceiling whistle nonchalantly.]
Bender: [shouting from front window of the PE ship] 'Hey! Are we going or not?!
Scene: The PE ship flies through space passing by a massive rusty space ship (or a space ship dump in space) possibly the size of Earth's moon Lunar, which looks as if it was thrown together with thousands of other space ships due to uneven shape and junk-heap like appearance.]
Cut to: Cockpit. Leela is at the wheel, Fry sits near by at the co-ordinates controls, Bender sits in his usual place in front of the autopilot drinking a bottle of "Lardy-Lime-Rum", while Farnsworth lies on the couch, Nibbler and Seymour sit at the foot of the couch.
Bender: [pointing at the object outside the window] 'What the hell is that?!
Farnsworth: 'I don't know, but we should leave note for the autopilot to return to this location in space.
Leela: 'Right. [She presses a few buttons.]
[Time Lapse. The PE ship begins to approach icy; grey barren rock, Earth sized planet that has no atmosphere; with also many massive deep canyons that look like they would of once have contained oceans.]
Cut to: Chamomynity Pharnsy Wobafone Surface. The PE ship descends down to a; extremely tall, covering a wide area, thick, metal dome (looking like Luna Park's dome on the Earth's moon as seen in The Series Has Landed.) on the rocky surface, it's large round thick glass windows show it contains many; mobile homes, tents greenhouses filled with fruit and vegetables, machinery, also containing many different types of, trees, plants and grasses; plus many; human, robot and alien scientists all wearing white lab-coats walking about; dozens of similar yet far smaller domes containing the same things and scientists pacing around surround the largest one. The PE ship flies up the dome into a massive hole near the top, which begins to close afterwards with blast doors once the PE ship is inside.
Scene: Ship's Airlock Tunnel. As the blast doors close behind it the PE flies though the huge airlock more than big and long enough to fit even the Nimbus, above clouds of hot oxygen steam sprays in from the ceiling.
Cut to: Cockpit.
Farnsworth: 'Here we are at last, The International Alien Races Of The Universe's Scientists Exploration Complex, and for short T-I-R Dome.
Fry: 'Riiight. Where's Zoidberg?
Farnsworth: 'He's down in the kitchen stuffing himself with the crap you made us Bender.
Bender: 'Hey, just because I found your food in the sewer, doesn't mean it's crap!
Leela: 'It was lucky that we packed our own lunches. [The others nod and hum in agreement, while Bender mutters insults in Spanish.]
Cut to: Outside PE Ship. The PE ship reaches the end of the airlock, blast doors open, and when the PE ship flies through them it closes behind the PE ship.
Scene: T-I-R Dome: Docking Bay. The PE ship lands in a parking space among many other space ships, the Nimbus itself can be seen parked in the distance.
Cut to: PE Cockpit. Leela stands up sighing with her hand over her face.
Fry: 'What's wrong Leela?
Bender: 'Probably having her period.
Leela: 'No. Zapp Brannigan's here.
Fry: 'How do you know? [She points out the window towards the Nimbus.] Oh.
Farnsworth: 'Ah, with luck you mightn't bump into him.
Leela: 'Thanks Professor.
[Farnsworth stands up off the couch.]
Farnsworth: 'No problem. Now, let's go already, get your deep space suits on.
Fry: 'How long can you breathe in space with one of those on you?
Farnsworth: 'For about 3 days.
Fry: 'Whoa. Wait, can Seymour come along?
Leela: 'Can also Nibbler come along?
[Zoidberg walks in.]
Zoidberg: 'Can Zoidberg come a--
Bender: 'Can Zoidberg not come along?
Farnsworth: ' Seymour and Nibbler, no they are staying to guard the ship. As for Zoidberg, yes he's not coming along, he's staying to guard the ship with the other two.
Zoidberg: [head low in sadness] 'Aww!
Cut to: T-I-R Dome. Docking Bay. Leela, Fry and Farnsworth all wearing black and white colored suits of what appear to be across between a deep sea diver suit and a space suit walk down the steps of the PE ship followed by Bender, who takes out a cigar out of his chest cabinet, and lights it up using his middle finger as a lighter.]
Bender: 'Cool, smoking is allowed here.
Fry: 'How do you know?
Bender: [pointing] 'That sign over there.
[Pan over to a sign on a wall, marked with flashing red lights "SMOKING IS ALLOWED HERE".]
[Time Lapse. All four closely walk together through the docking bay passing by many Scientists and all kinds of aliens, plus many parked space ships.]
Farnsworth: 'Ah, this is where all the--[He bumps into someone wearing a deep space suit just like his own.] Oh, I'm sorry. Wait! [He looks up to see it's Wernstrom, and his graduate students all wearing deep space suits two.] (menacingly) Wernnnnstrom!
Wernstrom: (menacingly) 'Farnnnnnsworth!
[All his graduate students say the samething "Wernnnnstrom"shaking their fists.]
Farnsworth: 'What the hell are you doing here?!
Wernstrom: 'I could ask you the same question. What the hell are you doing here?!
Farnsworth: 'You didn't answer my question! [He raises his fists.] That's it, let's go.
Wernstrom: 'Bring it on older man than me! [Zapp and Kif along with dozens of Doop soldiers comes into view walking towards them.]
Zapp: 'Now now, no fighting! [Wernstrom and Farnsworth lowers their fists and sigh.] Unless, you're two really hot lesbians having a cat fight, who then suddenly kiss in an all out tonguey fashion. [Noticing Leela.] Leela?! [He walks up to her, she crosses her arms.] (sexfully) So how about it Leela, one more turn with the Zapper just like old times.
Bender: [hooting] 'Wooooo!
Leela: 'Completely utterly out of the question.
Zapp: 'Aw come on. Don't you miss the Zapper?
[Leela with her eye narrowed angrily as if she was going to say something is stopped by Fry, who moved up to beside Leela placing his hand on her shoulder.]
Fry: (quietly) 'Leela, let's keep on going.
[Farnsworth waving his fists, plus Bender, Leela and Fry walk away from Zapp, who's got his eyes narrowed as they walk away.]
Zapp: 'I think something going on with those two.
Kif: 'You think? I didn't know you could think. Unless it was about how great you are.
Zapp: 'Nonsense Kif, you know I'm the greatest man who ever lived. However, I can thinky about different things of things, of you know things, with things that have things on things with other things, and things sticking to things with things inside those things.
Kif: 'Yes, you can think about things. [He sighs.] You're an idiot.
Zapp: 'I know she's an idiot. Just imagine turning down the Zapper?!
Kif: 'Yes, right. Whatever you say.
Scene: 'T-I-R Dome: Corridor. Bender, Fry, Leela and Farnsworth, who's waving his fists walk down the corridor, passing by glass houses filled with vegetation.
Farnsworth: 'Oh, that Wernstrom! He'll pay someday. [Farnsworth stops in his track, Fry, Leela and Bender do the same.] Wait, where am I?
Leela: 'An airlock is this way. [She points to an arrowed sign on the ceiling marked "Exit-Airlock This Way".]
[All four come to a pair of blast doors, which open as they enter inside.]
Cut to: T-I-R Dome: Airlock. All four walk through the blast doors which close behind them once their inside, clouds of hot oxygen steam sprays in from the corners of the room. When they reach the end of the small airlock, meeting another pair of blast doors, which open showing outside the barren rock landscape.]
Farnsworth: 'Come on now. [They exit the airlock out into the open.]
Cut to: Outside T-I-R Dome. Fry; Leela, Farnsworth and Bender, who's cigar is still alight exit the airlock onto the rocky landscape. The blast doors close behind them.
Farnsworth: 'Remarkable you're cigar is still alight despite this planet having no oxygen, which is needed in order for fire to be even lit up.
Bender: 'Great, isn't it?
Farnsworth: 'Indeed. Now, follow me … Oh, can you carry me Bender and I'll just point us where to go?
Bender: 'Alright, you're the boss. [He picks Farnsworth up.] Who better pay some extra for this.
Farnsworth: 'Yesss. [He points his finger back at the airlock they came out from.] That way! [Fry, Leela and Bender exchange looks.] Oh, I mean. [He points his finger to the distance.] That way!
[Fry, Leela and Bender who carries Farnsworth like he did in "Space Pilot 3000" walk into the distance.]
Scene: Chamomynity Pharnsy Wobafone: Wilderness. Fry, Leela and Bender walk in the rocky waste land, in the background T-I-R Dome can be seen in the distance.
Fry: 'Where are we going?
Farnsworth: [being carried by Bender] 'To a place of real interest, to me that is, on this otherwise plain grey barren rock. Incidentally, can you put me down Bender? I think, I can walk from here.
[Bender places Farnsworth back down on his feet, and then all four continue to walk through the waste land.]
Scene: PE Ship: Cockpit. Zoidberg lies on the couch asleep, while Nibbler and Seymour lie at the foot of the couch asleep too.
Scene: Chamomynity Pharnsy Wobafone: Wilderness. Fry, Leela, Farnsworth, and Bender walk in the rocky waste land, approaching a hilly landscape. Farnsworth lags behind.
Farnsworth: 'Actually, Bender?
Bender: 'Yes. [Fry and Leela stop and turn around to face Farnsworth.]
Farnsworth: 'Can you carry me again, I'm getting nowhere at this rate.
[Bender walks back to him, picks him up, then carries him along with the others like as seen in "Space Pilot 3000".]
Scene: Planet Express: Ship's Cockpit. Zoidberg lies on the couch asleep, while Nibbler and Seymour lie at the foot of the couch asleep too. Zoidberg turns over on the couch.
Zoidberg: (sleep-talking) Food.
Scene: Fry, Leela and Bender who carriers Farnsworth come to a cave over a hill.
Farnsworth: 'Yes, this is it. Drop me here Bender. [Bender places Farnsworth down onto his feet.] Let us enter this cave.
Fry: 'It's a bit dark and creepy don't you think?
Bender: 'I agree.
Leela: 'Oh come on you guys! There's no life on this planet so there's nothing to worry about.
Fry: (systematically) 'Oh yeah.
Bender: (systematically) 'Hmm, I guess so.
Farnsworth: 'Yes ... But just in case, give us our weapons Bender.
[Bender takes out the following out of his chest cabinet handing it to the following, a laser combat shotgun to Leela, a blaster rifle with a scope to Farnsworth, an AWP laser sniper rifle for himself plus two laser magnums handguns in a gun belt, which he wraps it around his waist, and one small ray-gun pistol to Fry.]
Fry: 'Hey, no fair! How come you get all the cool big guns?!
Farnsworth: 'Oh, stop it! Oh, did I mention that these space suits that we are wearing have regenerative forcefields for combat like from the video games Halo or Mass Effect, [He runs around in circles.] and also gives you great stamina?
Bender: 'So I carried you around for nothing?
Bender: [waving his fist.] 'You bastard!
Leela: 'Come on, let's get going.
[Flash-lights turn on over their helmets as they enter the cave.]
Scene: Cave. All four walk through the dark cave passing by many stalactites.
Fry: '… And then I got really drunk.
Leela: 'Goodish story Fry! [There is the sound of water dripping.] Water?
Bender: 'Me thinks there's alot more going on that the Professor isn't telling us?
Farnsworth: 'Well you see-- [There is a rumbling, dust and debris (a few rocks) fall from the ceiling, followed by the sound of rushing water.] Eh, wha? [All four looks behind them to see water rushing towards them, which causes them to scream.] Oh my!
Bender: 'We're so boned!
Leela: (formally) 'Yep. [She takes hold of Fry's hand.]
All (screaming) Ahhhhh--
[The water hits them and drags them along the cave out of sight screaming.]
Fry: (screaming) 'I don't wanna be boned!
Cut to: All four fall down out from a hole on the ceiling still screaming under the ground into a huge lake. Within a few seconds Fry, Leela, Bender and Farnsworth submerge to the surface.
Fry: 'We're alive!
Bender: 'Damn, we lost our guns, well we can always buy new ones! Anyway, you were saying Professor?
Farnsworth: 'Well you see--
Leela: 'We'll question him later. For now let's focus on swiping towards that light in the distance. [In the distance there is a shining light in the other wise pitch-dark underground.]
Farnsworth: 'Oh no, the light! I guess I'm off to hell.
Leela: 'Not that kind of light Professor.
Bender: 'Well c'mon then!
[They start to swim towards it.]
Fry: 'Could it be a trap?
Leela: 'Maybe, but it's the best hope we got to getting out of here.
Bender: 'Remind me to kill the Professor, if and when we get out of here.
Farnsworth: 'You wouldn't have the nerve!
Bender: 'Oh yeah … Oh wait, you're right.
[Time Lapse. All four stumble onto the rocky shore to see the light shining, which turns out to be an ordinary light bulb hanging over a vault attached to the wall.]
Farnsworth: 'This is it!
Bender: 'I knew you were hiding something! Tell us now!
Farnsworth: 'Well you see when I was using my F-Map what I saw was--
[The vault slides open, muscular male humanoid creatures about as tall and the size of omicronians, wearing torn and ripped in places dirty brown clothes with pale white turtle like armoured shell skin and pink thinly narrowed eyes, that have Decapod body and facial features like Zoidberg's species; differences include, very short necks, huge backs and short thick muscular legs, massive broad shoulders, large hunchbacks, 2 large ant like pincers draping down from their mouths, with human like hands that have thick 5 shovel like fingers coming out from them; their thick feet also shovel like with 3 thick shovel shaped toes with large sharp claws at the end of them, and huge grizzly beards down to their knees. 6 walk out from the vault towards them leaning slightly forward; making loud noises with their foot-steps due to their shear size and weight.] Well, that answers that.
Fry: 'Their like bald Dwarfs yet with big beards from mythology.
Leela: 'Yeah, sorta.
[The tallest among the creatures walks towards them, while other 5 stay back at the door,.]
Creature: (speaking in a deep low voice) 'Is the rumours true, that you are aliens from another world?
Farnsworth: 'You can understand us? As for your question yes we are aliens by your point of view, but by our point of view you are the aliens.
Creature: 'We've got tiny Universal Translators in-plated in our voice boxes.
Farnsworth: 'I wish mine would work-- in a unrelated matter what do you call yourselves?
Creature: 'Well, we call ourselves the V--
Bender: 'How about Bug Bearders?! He-he! [Leela pushes him knocking him over.] Ow!
Farnsworth: 'You were saying?
Creature: 'We are the Vatheans, our breed is simply known as the Big Vatheans, due to living underground for so long evolution has changed us to the way we are now, anyway I'm Vanninarco. What do you call yourselves?
Bender: 'Vatheans, Vanninarco? I getting nothing from google, maybe I'll get something in a week. Anyway, I'm Bender a robot, and there just a bunch of Humans!
Leela: 'Hey, I'm a Humanoid Alien! By the way I'm Leela.
Farnsworth: 'I think my name is Farnsworth.
Fry: 'I'm Fry.
Farnsworth: 'Tell us about your history and how you survived?
Bender: 'Like we care! [Leela pushes him again knocking him over.] Ow!
Vanninarco: 'It all began about 65 billion years ago when our sun became a red giant far sooner than we thought.
Flashback: Mix of all different types of space ships fly into the sky where a red giant star can be seen taking up half of the sky.]
Vanninarco: (voice over) 'Many of our ancient ancestors left for the stars leaving our home-word Innortalum, which would take them a very long-time to get to since our race never perfected fast space travel like we see in the movies or books etcetera. Those of us who were either too; stupid, crazy, or too stubborn to leave stayed, but not to our doom. [Humanoid sized creature about between 5 and 6 foot tall, their eyes are that of like humans; each with different colours like that of humans, with wrinkly skin of various different colour like reddish, light whitey pink, black, brown, and yellowy, with similar muscle structure and size to humans, and have Decapod body and facial features like Zoidberg's species; differences include, small pincers, human like size and shape hands and fingers, and their feet about the size and shape of humans with three toes. Many ancients female and male Vatheans wave goodbye to the space ship leaving the planet.] For we built safe zones underground, not to mention we got millions of our astromech droids together to vent their exhaust vans directly upwards to push us away from our sun and out of our solar system, we didn't expect it to work but it did. [Shot of millions of polished and clean looking astromech droids together with their exhausts up venting like as seen in "Crimes of the Hot".] Who then returned down to the warm safe zones underground, and then we drifted aimlessly through the vastness of space. Oh, and I might of left out a few things.
[Back to the present. Bender is fast asleep standing up snoring loudly.]
Leela: 'Good story.
Fry: 'It's al-right.
Farnsworth: 'Yes yes, I'm even bored now!
Leela: 'Wait, these people need a world to colonize.
[Bender wakes up.]
Bender: 'When can we get out of here before we have-to listen to another boring story?!
Vanninarco: 'Through one of the safe zone's exits. [All four follow Vanninarco into the vault.]
Scene: Safe Zone. All five walk along a dirty, littered with trash, rusty dark corridor, they pass by many windows to see rooms filled with vegetation, and some rooms are filled with cryogenic pods; some of which begin opening with Ancient Vatheans stepping out.
Leela: 'Why didn't you show yourselves to the International Alien Races Of The Universe's Scientists Exploration Complex aboveground?
Vanninarco: 'We didn't know you were friendly aliens, we thought best to keep a low profile.
Leela: 'So how do you feed yourselves down here?
Vanninarco: 'As you can see we grow, nuts, vegetables and fruits using artificial sunlight, and the water we find in the tunnels most of which we dug ourselves outside our Safe Zones, plus the ice above ground which we melt into water, then purify with our water purifiers both for us to drink and water our plants; all to to both feed us and keep the place filled with oxygen within our Safe Zones, where we also have fish farms for our daily protean in-take. In the tunnels outside our Safe Zones we gather mushrooms to eat where we leave our body waste.
Bender: 'Ewww! Stop learning things from them Leela! Wait, did we swim in sewer water?
Vanninarco: 'No, that wasn't our sewer area.
Leela: 'So the air is breathable underground?
Vanninarco: 'Only in certain places outside the Safe Zones and only underground in Innortalum, which tend to be very close to them, though even these places are not the best to breathe very well in. Like what are ancestors said, their like the air of mount Meverest. Likewise the rest of the places we go, we most definitely need our space suits on, otherwise we'd die.
[They come across a female Ancient Vathean looking human females with similar features wearing a grey lab coat.]
Female Ancient Vathean: [looking at Vanninarco.] (squeaky voice) 'Man, we have changed.
[A male Ancient Vathean comes out from a door along the corridor also wearing a lab-coat.]
Male Ancient Vathean (squeaky voice) 'Is it time?
Vanninarco: 'Come on defrostees we may no longer have-to live in this dump.
Fry: 'Defrostees? Like me!
Bender: 'You just noticed that now?
Vanninarco: 'We froze many of our people in cryogenic pods who didn't want to change in looks you know evolution and all, giving rise to the slang name to our ancient ancestors: the Small Vatheans, who awaited the hope of us who keep the place from falling apart by repairing it and whatnot; keeping the power going etcetera and finding or hoping we can find away to get to a new world to live, like inventing a fast space travel engine, which we never achieved … But by their request we would open the cryogenic pod when such a dream has come true, and now it seems it just might. [They come to a vault.] Here we are a exit not far from your T-I-R Dome.
Leela: 'Gear up and let's have a talk with Doop to see if they allow you to join them and give you a world to colonize.
Scene: Cave: Vanninarco wearing a classic 20th century space suit along with Big Vatheans and Small Vatheans wearing the same; plus 6 dirty rusty looking astromech droids lead Fry, Leela, Bender and Farnsworth through the cave.]
Bender: 'These are your pile of crap robots?
Vanninarco: 'They are very useful, they help repair and maintain the Safe Zones, and it was they who saved us with their exhausts up pushing us away from our sun turning into a red giant and out of our solar system.
Scene: Planet Express: Ship's Cockpit. Fry holding Seymour, Leela with Nibbler on her shoulder, Bender, Zoidberg and Farnsworth watch thousands of Big Vatheans and Small Vatheans accompanied with astromech droids taking off in space ships with them in the docking bay.
Bender: 'You got what you wanted Leela, the bug bearders get to be apart of Doop, with all it's benefits, like being given the key to fast space travel and free space ships, and colonize a once Natural Park Planet called Yosenite, a planet which is like Earth I can just imagine how you feel about that, plus a few thousand of them to move into New New York.
Leela: '… You know I can't really come up with anything to say back, other than, shut up!
Farnsworth: 'Well at least not all of them left. [He points to thousands of only Big Vatheans waving goodbye to them.]
Fry: 'Why are you two being so racist? [quickly adds] Not you Leela.
Bender: 'Well it's because … shut up!
Zoidberg: 'They look like me.
Leela: 'A little, less ugly though.
Zoidberg: [looking down sadly] 'Aww!
Fry: 'Professor, you never told us what this planet smelt like when you first discovered it with your Smell-O-Scope?
Farnsworth: 'It smelled of ash.
[Leela sits down in the driver seat.]
Leela: 'Come on! Let's leave Innortalum and go investigate that ship we saw earlier.
Cut to: Outside PE Ship. Which takes off from the T-I-R Dome docking bay flying through the airlock it came in by.
Scene: In space the PE ship heads towards the massive thrown together dump space ship from earlier.
To be continued