Futurama

Fan Fiction

Ready, Set, Boom!
By Dwayne Anderson

Note from the author: This story is based on the "Chicken Cannon" sketch of the "Royal Canadian Air Farce".


"Ready, Set, Boom?" asked Bender. "What kind of title is that? What about `Chicken Cannon Reloaded'?"

"Oh brother," sighed Fry. "Here he goes again."

"Or how about `Gun Be Fast, Target Be Slow?" asked Bender.

"How original," said Leela.

"Just be quiet!" said Hermes.

"Or how about this?!" said Bender. "The Execution of the Jackass'"

"Oh brother," said Amy. "This is more torturous than hearing Zoidberg singing Opera!"

"How about this?!" said Bender. "Chicken Cannon Reloaded!"

"NO!" shouts everyone.

"Come on everybody work with me," said Bender.

"How about this?" asked Zoidberg. "Dude, Where's The Robot? Oh, There He Goes, Shot Out Of The Cannon Cause He Talks Too Much!"

The others giggle, except Bender.

"What kind of title is that?!" said Bender.

"Places everybody!" said the director. "The show is about to start!"


"Greetings audience!" said Fry, "I'm Phillip J. Fry. Some of my close friends call me Fry."

"Hi Fry!" says the audience.

"I said my close friends call me Fry!"

"Sorry Fry!" said the audience.

Fry rolls his eyeballs back in his sockets. The audience laughs.

"Welcome to `Ready, Set, Boom!'," said Fry. "The show with an attitude where we strike back against what makes us really PO'd!"

The audience giggles.

"Originally, we were going to go give our targets a wedgie, but we've got a better idea! With us here on stage, is the Chicken Cannon from the "Royal Canadian Air Farce", which we will use for our own amusement. But enough of that, let's get on with the show!"


Farnsworth wheels in the first target, covered in a white cloth.

"Our first target," said Fry, "personally chosen by Hubert Farnsworth himself, a man who is very egotistic and still holds a century old grudge against Hubert..."

He removes the cloth revealing a large picture of an old man.

"Professor Wernstrom!"

The audience applauds.

"Hubert Farnsworth has volunteered to load the cannon for this target," said Fry.

A cart is wheeled in, carrying various items to be loaded into the cannon.

"Our ammunition," said Fry, "rotten eggs!"

The audience groans as Farnsworth places several egg shells and pours moldy whites and yolks into the cannon's tube.

"Chicken Cannon, loaded and ready Fry!" said Farnsworth. He took the control for the cannon.

"Fire!" said Fry.

Farnsworth pushes the button. The chicken cannon fires at Wernstrom's portrait, covering it with a mixture of broken egg shells, egg whites, and yolks. The audience goes wild with cheers and applause.

"Boy I gotta tell you," said Fry, "Wernstrom is now a mere shell of the man he was after that horrible eggsperience!"

Everyone laughs as someone offscreen performs a drumroll and rimshot.

"If he hadn't been so eggstremely eggotistical, the yolk is now on him!"

More laughs as another drumroll and rimshot is performed.

Amy wheels in another target covered in a cloth.

"Our next target was chosen by Amy Wong," said Fry. "Something that all car drivers hate. Our target is..."

He pulls off the cloth, revealing numerous logos for various gas companies.

"Those greedy oil gas companies and their outrageous prices!"

The audience goes wild with applause and cheers.

Another cart is wheeled in carrying the amunition.

"Our ammunition: beans, so we can give them gas!"

Everyone laughs as a drumroll and rimshot is performed offscreen and Amy loads two large spoonfuls of beans into the cannon's tube.

"Crude oil, leftover from the last oil spill!"

Amy ladles a spoonful of oil into the tube.

"Motor oil!"

Amy opens the bottle and holds it into the cannon and squeezes oil inside. Then she takes the control.

"And when ready," said Fry. "Fire!"

Amy presses the button. The cannon fires at its target, covering it with a mixture of beans and oil. The audience applauds and cheers.

"We've given them their just desserts!" said Fry. "Speaking of which, after the show, let's all skip dinner and have just desserts ourselves."

The audience laughs along with a drumroll and rimshot.

"Our next target was chosen personally by Turanga Leela."

Leela wheels in another target covered in cloth. Fry pulls off the cloth revealing a portrait of Zapp Brannigan.

"Well, how about that?" asked Fry. "It's Zapp Brannigan! Leela will now personally load the Chicken Cannon.

Another cart of ammo is wheeled in.

"Our ammunition, powdered viagra tablets."

Leela puts two handfuls of the powder into the cannon.

"Champagne!"

Leela opens the bottle and pours half the bottle inside the cannon.

"Used condoms!"

The audience groans as Leela uses tongs to load the condoms inside. Then she takes the control.

"Fire!" said Fry.

Leela presses the button. The cannon fires at its target, covering Zapp's portrait with a mixture of powdered viagra tablets, champagne, and used condoms. The audience applauds and cheers.

"Take that Zapp!" said Leela triumphantly.

"And now," said Fry, "the moment we've all been waiting for. Our top target this evening is your most requested target. And our final target is, the FOX network for refusing to produce a sixth season!"

The audience goes wild with applause and cheers as the target is lowered down. Obviously, the audience is full of Futurama fans.

"All of us will load the cannon," said Fry as another cart full of ammo is wheeled in.

"Cat food!"

Zoidberg puts cat food in the tube.

"Sour grapes!"

Hermes puts them in the cannon.

"Split Pea Soup!"

Scruffy ladles two large spoonfuls inside the cannon.

"Ground Coffee!"

Leela adds three spoonfuls.

"Rotten tomatoes!"

Amy throws them in.

"And finally, shredded stocks in Nortel!"

Bender throws them in.

Fry takes the control and presses the button. The Chicken cannon fires, covering the target with a mixture of coffee, cat food, rotten tomatoes, shredded paper, sour grapes, and split pea soup. The audience goes wild with applause and cheers.

"We showed them didn't we?!" asked Fry.

More cheers and applause.

"And that's all for tonight on Ready, Set, Boom!" said Fry. "Good night everybody! You've been a great audience!"

The Futurama Crew wave good-bye as everyone in the audience applauds and cheers.

 

The End

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