Fan Fiction

Leela's Quest
By Smiley

The standard old 20th Century Fox opening with drum roll is used, only with the 30th Century logo, and the opening continues- announcing that the film is in "Drecknocolor" and laced with "impure subliminal messages you can't resist." Fade out.

Fade in: A live action shot of Matt, a few coworkers, a head writer or two, in his office. A city skyscraper setting is in the windows. The scene draws back as he plunks down a 9" x 12" manilla envelop marked "Top Secret". Matt stands and addreses the others already on their feet. (AKA "Batman" of the 60s TV series)

MATT: You know what this means don't you? (grim and determined)

(The rest are all silent, seemingly humbled)

Do you think you can do it? (he addresses one writer, who turns away)

Do you think you can?

HEADWRITER: (in an Irish accent) Oh the devil with pride Matt, we know theres only one team that can take this.

MATT: I admire your honesty man and I agree with you. There is only one who can deal with this.

They all look off camera. It in turn focuses on a red phone, marked with a "Planet Xpress" logo, under a liftoff glass dome (AKA "Batman" of the 60s TV series). As the camera pulls back on the scene, the rest gather around Matt as he hesitantly lifts off the dome.

MATT: We may not know why they are or do what they do, but if ever the world needed them in her darkest hour, it needs them now.

He lifts the receiver, presses the button, the phone lights up. The scene switches to the Professor answering the phone.

PROF: Yes? I'll summon her at once.

Back to Matt and the group.

MATT: Good she's in.

In a split screen we see Matt and Leela.

LEELA: Yes? (Fry and Bender come up behind her.)

MATT: Its a government job.

LEELA: We'll get right on it!

When Matt hangs up, the split screen becomes a full view of Leela hanging up the phone while Fry, Bender, and now Amy and the rest crowd around her.

FRY: Who was it?!

LEELA: Nobody.

Theres a swirling of color, and, accompanied by the opening strains of the Neal Hefty "Batman" theme, Leela, Fry, and Bender run towards the camera. Just as Leela swings her fist into the frame, the regular Futurama intro with music begins, radiating out from the center with the ship zooming past.

The movie's title follows along with the opening voiceover credits and kudos. When done, the music fades out, scene fades out.

Fade in on everyone sitting down to the conference table. Fry being the last one there and the Professor waiting at the mail tube. We focus on Leela as she sits down.

LEELA: Morning Fry, Amy, Bender, Hermes, Zoidberg. (The camera pans to...)

FRY: Morning Leela, Amy, Bender, Hermes, Zoidberg. (The camera pans to...)

AMY: Morning Fry, Leela, Bender, Hermes, Zoidberg. (The camera pans to...)

HERMES: Morning Amy, Fry, Leela, Bender, Zoidberg. (The camera pans to...)

ZOIDBERG: Morning Hermes, Leela, Fry, Amy, Bender. (The camera pans to...)

BENDER: (finishes his cigar, takes his feet off the table, looks around for a moment or two) What?!

The professor, asleep on his feet, is awakened by the same manilla envelope from the opening scene coming down the tube and punching him in the stomach.

PROF: Good news everybody, I'm okay and didn't lose bladder control one bit. (He takes the envelope, goes to his place on the table, and sits. After a bit of silence.....) Oh and this envelop just arrived from the government. It looks very important and I see they want it delivered to the Records Satellite near our galactic core immediately.

FRY: Whats in it?

PROF: Oh my, its marked "Top Secret" Fry you can't know whats in it.

BENDER: Let me have a look with my X-ray eye.

LEELA: Bender!

FRY: Yea, and besides I thought you had 2 X-ray eye units.

BENDER: EEhhhhh, one's in the shop for Nearsightedness.

Leela takes the envelope from the Professor and stands up.

LEELA: Consider it delivered. Lets go guys.

BENDER: Oh no, my X-ray eye's coming back from the shop today.

HERMES: Well be sure and do a good job mon, dese government deliveries pay well and one important as this should net us a hefty regular contract. We be sittin pretty for da rest of da year mon! (Hermes stands and exits greedily wringing hishands.)

The ship flys past on its way to a dense star field. We cut inside to Leela at the helm, Amy watching her screen and trimming her dingernails, and Fry looking over the package.

FRY: Now that we're away from Earth and Bender's not here, lets open it and find out what its about. We could seal it later.

AMY: Oh no that'd would be deceiftul, devious, and very treasonous.

FRY: (Slight pause to look at Amy, then Leela) Your point?

LEELA: The point is that those government envelopes have tamper-proof seals connected to electronic warning transmitters. No matter where you are in the galaxy, if you open it before the right person deactivates it, the signal will alert government patrols galactic wide.

FRY: Oh yea? How do you know so much?

LEELA: I used to work for them silly, remember?

FRY: Oh yea. (Fidgetting with the envelope) But Leela......

LEELA: (Interrupting) No buts Fry. If you or any of us open that package OUR butts would be in the biggest sling you ever saw. We could face fines, jail, even the death penalty.

FRY: But Leela.....

LEELA: I said NO!!

FRY: (temptingly) Its got your name on it.

LEELA: Lets open it.

Everyone is in the empty cargo bay, a hover dolly at its highest hover is being used as a table. Leela slowly reaches for the envelope, her hand shaking, everyone else's eyes and grins bugging out in anticipation. In a closeup, Leela's hands slowly grab the top corner.

We see everyone else's eyeballs get REALLY WIDE. In the tightest closeup, her fingers rip one "sliver" of the paper.

Instantly there are alarm bells all over the ship, sirens and high-low horns blaring, the lights change the scene from well-lit to red to blue and back.

FRY: Way to go Leela.

The last strains of an "Itchy & Scratchy 2000" are heard as a silhouetted figure in a chair turns from the screen to its right and to the console in front. The console's many lights are activated and another figure enters the scene. This is clearly the room of a powerful galactic warlord, with a lava lamp in the corner and a sticker on the chair's back that says "I brake.......heads!"

TT: You sent for me Dark Raider?

D.R.: TooTitus, I'm bored. (firmly) What plaything can you offer me today? A planet to pillage, a colony to conquer, what?

TT: We've received the transmission of a galactic government tampering signal from an obscure part of the galaxy in the SK system. It appears someone has "compromised" classified information.

D.R.: This means competition TooTitus, no one must play dirtier than I, Dark Raider Locate the signal and set course for it!

TT: Yes sir, but......but......

D.R.: You speak of BUTS TooTitus?! Are you an ass!!??

TT: (fearful) Oh no sir, may I die spitting much blood if I do, I was merely trying to remind you of your all-consuming goal to exact revenge on the planet you were banished from.

D.R.: That planet of damn dirty apes!!?

Dark Raider stands in silhouette, obviously angered at the reminder and his past.

D.R.: This is beyond that planet of apes, I escaped from that planet of apes! This could be the very key I need to get back at the planet of apes. If I can seize these fools and use their documents through cruel extortion, blackmail, and maybe chicanery, I will yet exact revenge........

We dramatically zoom in on his helmeted eyes, two red dots behind large dishes, as they narrow.

D.R.: ..........on Earth.

TT: Lord Raider, sounds like pulp fiction to me.

Back out to an over-the-shoulder shot of TooTitus in front his master.

D.R.: TooTitus you have no basic instinct for these matters. I said set course for this signal, and if it be a fatal attraction, it will be the Earth's.

As they laugh, we go outside this huge, well-articulated, triangular Starship, dipping down slowly under the nose and watching it slowly glide overhead. Beneath it we see a tumbling black monolith which, when directly in front of us has the neon lettering "This Space For Hire". It continues slowly out of scene as the back of the Starship is reached, we see a hughmongus sticker that says "I'm Okay, You Bite Wind", just before the engines fire up and the vessel zooms off.

Hands and fingers are seen dancing over consoles as the song "99 Red Ballons" by Nena begins. As the song picks up, there are fast cuts of actual CART and INDY car races starting up. Followed by fast cuts of the Star Destroyer coming out of its warp behind the P.E. ship. Next comes fast cuts of car crashes with every other "clap" of the song's closing. The final anthem stretch shows the P.E. crew dancing to the last strains, fast cut to live action of Matt, Dave, Adam West and others also dancing instead of working. As the song ends it fades out of this and into the next part.

The scene is now that of a steel blue world to the lower right as the P.E. ship glides slowly into view from the left, red laser blasts roar past the ship, and just as slowly this huge triangular metallic space cruiser (AKA "Star Wars") comes into the chase. Inside the P.E. ship's cannon turret, Fry, dressed in an all white flight suit, is at the triggers. He's doing his best, and is quite good, but the blasts just bounce off the larger craft.

FRY: He's coming in too slow!

Down below Leela is wearing her usual tank top only now she wears a big pistol belt and brown sleeveless vest.

LEELA: Don't get cocky Fry!

ZOIDBERG: (pacing back and forth) Oh dear oh dear oh dear, wheres an escape pod when you need one! (he stumbles on a mysterious cylindrical robot resembling R2D2 and kicks it out of the scene) Out of the way you clattering clump!

Their ship shudders heavily.

ZOIDBERG: I didn't kick him THAT hard.

AMY: They've got us in a tractor beam! (In back Fry's coming down the turret ladder)

LEELA: Then stand by to repel boarders! To the main airlock!

At the airlock hall, Fry, Leela, Zoidberg, and Amy take up positions behind the bulkheads. There is a docking noise, the airlock's hinges sizzle and smoke under blaster bolts. Theres a large loud thump- and nothing happens! Behind the airlock we here a James Earl Jones-like voice hiss in disgust.

DARK RAIDER: Good God must I do everything myself. Now HIT IT AGAIN!

This time the airlock gives way and theres a hail of blaster fire from both sides. Some of the soldiers, dressed in white armored medieval suits with overbite helmets, go down, but the ones behind get off shots that disarm the P. E. crew. As they all stand to surrender, in walks Dark Raider, clad all in black with a TV screen for a chestplate, a black cape, and an overbite helmet! He strides masterfully towards the four.

D.R.: Who is the captain of this vessel?

LEELA: I am.

D.R.: I am the pirate Dark Raider. I heard the signal of "Top Secret" papers being opened. That means free money, booty, and a chance to move the plot along! Where are they?!

He looks at the silent crew. Zoidberg immediately pulls a Curly Howard faint. DR. goes to Amy, who tries to be affectionate with him. She pushes a few buttons on his chest plate, we hear a rattling, chink-chink, and a buzzer.

AMY: 3 lemons!? (disgustedly)

He shrugs her off and strides to Fry. Fry grins, waves meekly, is seized and held up off the ground by the taller being.

FRY: Phew. You know your breath rivals that of 30W motor oil!?

D.R.: And do you know your breath will not be yours for long if I don't get those papers?!

FRY: No, but if you hum a few bars (he's seized by the throat) .............I'll fake it!

LEELA: Put him down you big ape, I have them.

D.R.: (Dropping Fry like a used garbage sack) You'll hand them to me at once.

LEELA: I don't have them on me and we'll never talk.

ZOIDBERG: (recovered from the faint) Speak for yourself. Their in the cargo bay.

Leela is visibly upset as DR. spins on his heels and walks off. He gives orders for everyone to be locked up in his battle cruiser and the ship placed in their docking bay. The soldiers haul everyone off.

Fry and Zoidberg are in one cell, Amy and Leela the adjoining one. Leela paces in step with Zoidberg.

LEELA: Way to hold up under pressure pal!

ZOIDBERG: Dammit Captain I'm a coward not a doctor... or...

LEELA: Skip it. Right now we need a way out.

AMY: But once he has the papers, he'll let us go and we can blame the opening on him!

FRY: Amy's right. Sure there may be a tractor beam but once this dude's satisfied I'm sure he'll let us go. We just have to promise him on our hands and knees that we won't talk. Believe me, if its one thing I know its how to beg and plead!

LEELA: And how much begging and pleading do you think will save our necks when he finds out the papers AREN'T in the cargo bay?!

A dramatic musical reverb rends air as we see the surprised faces of Fry, Amy, and Zoidberg.

LEELA: Well I had to do something to make him let you go.

FRY: Oh. (frantically grabbing the bars) Then we gotta get out of here! Doctor, can you cut these bars with your claws?

ZOIDBERG: No, I'm afraid these are made of the finest Neutronium.

LEELA: He's right, there must be another way.

AMY: Well they couldn't be unlocked right now in some weird childish plot device some crappy writers are using to set up a trap for us later- could they be?

LEELA: Oh don't be foolish!

AMY: (standing, her temper rising) Oh, so I'm a fool now am I?!

LEELA: Thats not what I meant!

FRY: (stepping between Leela and Amy) Yea thats not what she meant!

ZOIDBERG: (stepping between them) People, people, please, fighting will get us no where.

Leela and Amy stop. Everyone looks at everyone else in silent surprise that their all together in the same cell. We draw back to see that INDEED Fry and Zoidberg have opened their cell door and the ladies' to get in and break up the fight. As if on one telepathic command, all four hunch over and sneak out on tiptoe.

Meanwhile, in the ship's hold, the PE ship, surrounded by white armored guards, has a pile of clothes, equipment, hover dollies, booze bottles and other paraphenalia around it. In the background we see; The Millenium Falcon, The Jupiter 2, a TIE fighter, a 50s era Sci-Fi movie rocket, and a Grumman TBF Avenger plane.

DR.: (inside) Blast your foul intestines, can't you do anything right?!

GUARD: (inside) But sir, we've looked the ship over from top to bottom and we still can't find it.

DR. and his two personal guards come down the ship's front landing leg.

GUARD: We... we... we practically turned everything upside down. There are no papers on board.

DR.: You forgot to turn one thing upside down.

The guards look at each other, shrug in bewilderment, and look back at their leader. With a wave of his hand, both guards go flying off camera, propelled by some mysterious force. They both land on the helmets and get buried up to their waists in the background flooring.

We now see 4 other guards standing in a darkened passageway. One removes the helmet, and its Fry, followed closely by Leela who is in front.

FRY: I understand the need to escape but whats the deal with this paperwork?

LEELA: I saw the cover seals, its a biographical document file AND its got my name on it. (reflecting on her life) That means this folder contains a top secret file on me and my life. I could learn about my past, who my parents were, where I came from, everything... (she starts to choke up)

FRY: Oh. (pause) So if the papers weren't in the cargo bay, where were they?

LEELA: Before we were captured I rolled them up and stashed them in the barrel of the ship's turret gun. Now get back into disguise and lets go.

ZOIDBERG: But how do you know the way?

Leela points to a wall map of their captor's vessel, with a "You are here" arrow and a disclaimer that the map was provided by AAA of the Milky Way.

We see the villian pacing back and forth. As he speaks and paces we see behind him a few of his soldiers, Boba Fett, a few more, Sherlock Holmes, a few more, Zapp Branigan, one more, Indiana Jones, and finally Chief Wiggum!

DR: Now listen and listen well, while I go interogate the prisoners I want you to scour the rest of this ship for any place they could have hidden those documents. I don't care what you do with the others if you find them, but bring me the alien! Now go.

They all turn in unison and march out. When the door closes, Dark Raider turns and bangs his way right into the door.

DR: (like Homer Simpson) D' uoh!

We switch back to earth where Bender is sitting on the couch, apparently watching this whole thing on TV, having a brew, and Nelson Muntz's head in a jar sits next to him.

NELSON: Hah haaahh!

Bender slides his hand under the jar, tosses it and Nelson out the window, clicks the remote and we hear him going back to "All My Circuits" and not the movie.

The group is tiptoeing in costume through the darkened corridor when they hear marching boots. Leela finds a door marked "Library", signals, and they all rush in. None too soon for a group of soldiers goes marching past, with an R2D2 under guard! The scene switchs to the Library interior. The group is startled when a couple of voices cry out behind them.

VOICES: Help us, oh help us please!

The group turns and in these jars connected by tubes and electrodes are 2 very familiar faces.

SCULLY: I'm Scully, FBI, and this is my partner Mulder. Please take us with you!

MULDER: Yes. We've been here for centuries, kept prisoner and picked for our knowledge of earth matters.

SCULLY: Why we (sniff) haven't even been able (sniff) to answer our fan mail! (she starts sobbing)

FRY: But how can we take you with us?

MULDER: I don't know, just pick us up.

AMY: But why should we?

SCULLY: Have you no heart? (she starts crying again)

MULDER: Yes, don't you care about your fellow earthlings?

AMY: I'm a Martian.

ZOIDBURG: I'm a crustacheon.

LEELA: I'm a......I'm a.......well, I'm not from earth.

FRY: Well I'm from earth, and, even if I didn't like their show they've got a point. We can't just leave them here.

LEELA: But if we take them with us they'll slow us down.

FRY: But...

LEELA: Ssssssssshhhhhhhhhhh, someone's coming.

To the accompaniment of "Mission Impossible", Peter Graves, Martin Landau, Barbara Bain, Peter Lupus, and Wally Cox go sneaking by in full combat gear. Leela briefly opens the door, looks around, shuts the door.

LEELA: Coast is clear, lets go.

The four sneak out in their soldier uniforms, but Fry is easily detectable thanks to the 2 heads-in-jars he carries with him. They make their way down the corridor of what appears to be prison cells with barred windows. One naturally has to have a "reserved for M. Groening" sign on it. As they near a corner, a laser blast erupts over their heads! A soldier cries out "There They Are!".

To the tune of "Can't Buy Me Love", the scene now switchs to black-and-white as the four rip their helmets of and go on a wild Beatlesque romp through the vessel. They go out to the hangar bay and play games. They pose on a park bench behind newspapers while the guards pass, then drop their papers and run the other way. They quickly head the other way as a load of screaming teeny-boppers follow them. A whole load of shenanigans ensues patterned after the Beatles first movie. They even play catch with the heads-in-jars!

Finally they arrive at the hangar bay where the ship is held, winded, and out of uniform.

ZOIDBURG: Well that was pointless.

AMY: Yea... but... we... got away... from... them.

FRY: Now what'll we do? The ship's surrounded by guards.

LEELA: We need a distraction.

FRY: But what kind?

From the hangar bay, over one guard's shoulder, we see the head of Scully go rolling across the floor, screaming her lungs out! The guard points.

GUARD: Their trying to escape! Over here!

As the guards abandon the P.E. ship, the four run toward it as Leela presses the tractor beam button, shutting off the beam. Fry, Amy, Zoidburg, and Mulder make it to the ship's leg, but Leela is stopped by- Dark Raider!

D.R.: I have you now Obi-won! (his light sabre beam comes on)


D.R.: Oh yes, wrong story...I have you now. The pupil has finally become the teacher. You are one-eyed and alien, not a Jedi like myself, you are finished...

Before he can finish his sentence or his advance on Leela, her boot comes up right in the crotch and drops Dark Raider like a sack of potatoes. The beam goes out. He cringes.

We switch back to earth where we hear Nelson Muntz's head, FROM INSIDE THE TRASHCAN, go "hah hah!". Bender's hand snakes down from off camera and puts a lid on the can.

Leela's strapped in and fiddling with the buttons that awaken the ship. Amy is also working her control panels. Fry sets the jar on the floor beside him. Zoidburg hides behind his chair.

LEELA: Hang on everyone, if I didn't shut down the tractor beam its going to be a short trip.

The ship backs out of the hangar bay and zooms out of the Star Destroyer as 3 little ships that look like the Drej fighters from "Titan A.E." come after them. Back in the P.E. cockpit, Fry and Zoidburg look out the window.

FRY: Their gaining on us!

LEELA: I only need a few more minutes and I can kick this baby into Space Warp speed.

FRY: What'll we do till then?

LEELA: Lighten the ship.

We watch clothing, hammocks, other paraphenalia, and finally Mulder's head, silently screaming, go flying out the ship.

FRY: (miffed) Thanks a lot Amy!

AMY: It wouldn't have worked, he wasn't my sign! Now what Leela?!


FRY: Check.

AMY: Check.

The ship flies off into the distance as the enemy vessels pursue. Fry is seen trying to pull the papers out before using the gun.

FRY: Why'd she have to stick it in so deep!?

AMY: If I answer that we'll get an adult movie rating.

FRY: This is all I can get (he pulls out 2 sheets)........

LEELA: Here they come! Whats keeping you?

FRY: Well I.............their coming too fast!

LEELA: Stay with them kid, don't lose your nerve. As long as the papers are safe.

Amy and Fry look at each other, the 2 sheets, each other, Fry stuffs them in his pants pocket and grabs the gun handles. Amy drops below. The first shot naturally is half energy and half paperwork and goes wide. A pitched battle ensues between Fry and the enemy craft.

He finally nails one of the 3.

FRY: I got one! I got one!

LEELA: Don't get cocky Fry theres 2 more.

FRY: I see em.

He blasts another and then another. At this point the ship enters Space Warp speed and, as the stars elongate, the ship is safe! On board, Leela, Amy, and Zoidburg greet Fry as he climbs down the turret gun's ladder.

LEELA: You did it.

FRY: (elated enough to wet himself) Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaweet!

LEELA: Wheres the papers?

FRY: (frozen in his "Sweet" position) Uuuuuuhhhhhhh..............

LEELA: (tears in her eye from anger and fear) You did save them didn't you!?

AMY: It wasn't that easy Leela. (she grabs the 2 sheets out of Fry's hands) This was all we could get. You packed them in too tight.

Leela sighs, grabs the sheets like sheets of Gold, and clutchs them tightly.

LEELA: At least I have this much! Fry, Amy, you two keep the ship headed for Earth, we have to warn them.

ZOIDBURG: But won't we..............?

LEELA: Be jailed for opening the papers? Not when we tell the authorities how we risked our lives to save them from Dark Raider.

AMY: (from the pilot chair) But why do we need to warn the Earth?

LEELA: Because if I know men like Dark Raider, and I do, he won't be satisfied with this.He'll use all his weapons to get them back, including destroying the Earth.

The ship roars off into space. On board the Star Destroyer, Dark Raider is watching the ship's departure on a Panasonic widescreen TV. One of his Lieutenants approaches him.

LIEUTENANT: The tracking device is working perfectly Lord Raider.

D.R.: Good. (he turns and has a big bandaid on the shorts of his uniform) Soon she, and all who oppose my empire, will feel my wrath. Prepare the planet cannon.

LIEUTENANT: Yes Lord Raider. (he leaves)

As the stars go by, Leela's reflection appears on the viewport as we pull back to find her, wearing a robe and with her hair down. She holds the 2 sheets and her diary. There is her voiceover.

LEELA: Captain Leela's log, personal. I am Toronga Hiah Leela, of the planet Cy, somewhere.......out there. What little information is on these tells me the planet no longer exists. It was destroyed by natural forces. I don't know who my parents are or if they escaped in the exodus, but I know where I'm from and who I really am at least. (a tear comes down her cheek) I know my birthdate and the fact that some kind spacefarers from Earth picked up my floating lifepod. The rest of these papers must have been in with me. At least I know this much. I'm more of a somebody now.

The ship lands back at the Planet Express building, which is cordened off by law enforcement and government vehicles. Once the hangar doors close, we go inside where the 4 are sitting in a row of chairs, several government officials around them. One man in particular is in front of them.

LEELA: And thats how it happened. We managed to save these 2. (she hands the sheets to him)

GOVT.: And you say you didn't have time to look at them correct?

LEELA: Correct.

Fry is about to say something but is kicked by Leela.

GOVT.: Then it seems this Dark Raider and his forces are the people were after. We don't have much time to prepare if what you said is correct about his vehicle's course and speed. I'm afraid we'll have to ask a favor of your crew professor.

PROF.: (facing the wrong way) And what is that?

GOVT.: Your crew will have to man a set of defense ships as well.

FRY: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeess!

AMY: (no enthusiasm) Greeaaaaaat.

BENDER: (after a firey belch) You got it.

HERMES: Do we get Hazardous Duty pay mon? (The official nods) Oh sweet joy of the steel limbo drum sound!

ZOIDBURG: Nyaaaaahhhaaaaahhhhhhyyyaaaaahhhhh. (In truly Curly Howard fashion, he then drops)

GOVT.: Well some of you will then.

In a briefing room, everyone, including the P.E. crew is assembled and uniformed in bright green and gold flight suits. Some have helmets while others don't. Leela and a uniformed government man are standing by a TV screen showing the rotating diagramatic of Dark Raider's vessel.

LEAD: Gentlemen.......(Leela clears her throat)........and aliens. We now know that

these long held plans have a purpose. Dark Raider left these when he was still a young History professor and adventurer, Harrison Fry.

FRY: (Hand goes up) Oh...oh.....oh!

LEAD: Yes soldier?

FRY: I'm a Fry, would he be any relation to me, like a dad or grandad or some junk?

LEAD: (Checks through a palm-top computer) No.

FRY: Oh.

LEAD: Now, as I was saying, this schematic shows his mighty Star Destroyer the Star Destroyer. It has a belt of Duralainium 16 feet thick, several hangar bays for fighters, many surface small defense batteries, and one big ace in the hole.

BENDER: (Indignant) Hey what'd you call me!??

HERMES: (Dressed in a Jamaican patterned flight suit) He said ace-in-de-hole mon.

BENDER: Oh, thats different.

AMY: (Sanding her fingernails- THROUGH HER GLOVES) So if this thing's so great what's its secret flaw?

LEAD: The secret weapon, this ship length main cannon, that can destroy a whole planet, is powered by a central fission reactor back here. (pointing)

LEELA: But our target is the cooling vent to that reactor here (pointing) which, when hit by an outside ray blast will send the reactor beyond critical mass.

FRY: That sounds familiar but I don't know why.

LEAD: The ship is too big for us to destroy singlehandedly, so I'll be leading a diversionary flight of Chevy fighters. Our code name will be Bowtie.

LEELA: I'll be leading the Ford fighters and our code name will be BlueDot. Our job will be to fly down this series of labrynthian passages to get to the vent and deliver the knockout punch.

LEAD: If there are no questions.............

Everyone in the room looks at Fry. He grins and slinks down in his chair.

LEAD: Take off time is in 2 hours. Remember, the fate of this planet, and the whole universe, depends on us. Good luck and kick butt. Dismissed!

A solemn announcer, clearly of the 1950s Sci-Fi genre, entones that each member had just 2 hours to get his/her life in order. He adds that they had to do it in order to save a planet, a galaxy, a universe. He muses as to what they were thinking of in those last moments before the heat of battle.

LEELA: (voiceover thought) This is for you mom and dad. And for all my people. (a tear trickles down her cheek)

AMY: (voiceover thought) Man I've got to win, I wouldn't want to be caught dead in this outfit, we those boots. Yeesh! (she stands, takes a few steps to the door, - and slips!)

HERMES: (voiceover thought) We've got to do it mon. Wit out da extra flight pay we could go bankrupt wit da first pass!

ZOIDBURG: (voiceover thought) I wonder if Dark Raider is kind to seaford? Then I could make a deal maybe.

FRY: (voiceover thought) zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (he's napping!)

BENDER: (voiceover thought) (standing behind his ship with a tube from the fuel tanks to his mouth) Ahm just here for da beer! Oooohhhhhhhh yea!

PROFESSOR: (voiceover thought) Good thing I can't go, I need a sitz bath and I'm out of Geritol.

A live shot of Cohen and Groening, sitting in the studio, watching the rushes of the film so far. In unison their thought is "this movie's starting to drag!" We now go back to the animation as Dark Raider is walking towards the control room of the ship. He passes several old Sci-Fi film posters including one of Racquel Welch in "1 Million B.C." He enters The room with its many consoled officers overseeing various ship functions, ahead of him lies the widest view of space possible with Earth and its Moon slowly nearing. We swing around to face him and zoom in to focus on his upper body, with a pair of illuminated fuzzy dice hanging from somewhere up above.

D.R.: (voiceover thought) Soon they will either bow to me or suffer the consequences.

He reaches up slowly and taps the dice gently, clutching a stuffed Pikachu with a rope around its neck for a collar! He squeaks it once.

The president of Earth, the government leader, Admiral Ackbar of "Star Wars", a Japanese General from a Godzilla movie, and Raymond Burr, all walk in and gather round a lighted circular table. There are various 'plotters' and military types in their background. One wall will have an NFL Oakland Raider pirate logo on it. The group stands around for a moment. Raymond Burr is the first to interrupt.

BURR: If you don't mind......

We pull back furthur and instead of the standard Star Wars plotting image on the table we have a B/W Jackie (Ralph Cramden) Gleason and Art (Ed Norton) Carney trying to play billiards on it. They stand up and exit but not before getting their licks in.

RALPH: Norton, you are a mental case.

ED: Hey hey hey Ralphy boy, I didn't know the table was reserved.

NOW the group of officials gather around the plotting table as Earth is shown, with its orbiting moon, in diagramatic scale. The orbit of Mars and Jupiter are included with a battleship, labeled "nasty man", slowly passing Mars.

ADMIRAL: He's almost within range.

PREZ: How close can we let him get before we're in danger?

LEAD: (pointing to a newly display green circle inside the moon's orbit) Here sir.

BURR: How close before we have some real tension in this movie's plot?

LEAD: (pointing to a yellow circle of movie Oscars just outside the moon's orbit) Here sir.

ADMIRAL: Sound out the fighters- NOW!

A headphoned soldier of the Earth Forces, Jim Varney's Ernest, steps in front of them.

ERNEST: Fighters man your pi........ no that aint right. Dang this is harder than ah thought know what a mean Vern? Pilots man your craft, no.........oh heck, get a goin' people!

There's a scene of fighters lined up as pilots go running for them. Amid the rush we see Fry bang into Bender, Amy slip and slide the length of the hangar bay on one oil puddle, and Bender passed out under the wing of his craft.

Next we go to a live outdoor night shot of Adam West in full military dress, Peter Graves similarly attired, Matt and Dave standing on either side of them. In true "Batman" fashion West speaks first.

WEST: Pray gentlemen. (with mounting urgency) Pray that our forces will meet the enemy before its too late, blast the enemy, and thus SAVE THE EARTH.

As he speaks Matt, Dave, and Peter also start to feel the need, they get down on their knees with their hands clasped in front of them at the end of his speech.

THE GROUP: We hope so Batman we hope so!!!!!!

Adam is disgusted that he wasn't addressed properly and walks off camera while they hold their praying positions.

WEST: Jerks.

The fighters rise and slowly leave one by one. We see Leela's rise and it has "Big Bad Mama" on the side. It leaves scene. Hermes' rises and he has "Saving Private Ryan's 401KK". It leaves the scene. Amy's rises and she has "The Money Pit" on it. It leaves the scene. Fry's rises and it has "Dumb and Dumber" with a line through it, "Ishtar" with a line through that, and finally "Sex Machine" handwritten underneath those two. It leaves the scene after we see him grind a gear or two. The ships all head off into the night sky above New New York. The Goodyear Blimp has on the side of it "Go Team".

Aboard the Star Cruiser, one of the Lieutenants approaches Dark Raider, whose back is to us.

LIEUT.: Sir a small band of enemy fighter craft are coming hard and fast.

D.R.: Very well. Energize all cannon including the Planet Popper. I shall tend to the fighter force myself.

He spins around, bumps into the Lieutenant who hasn't moved since he got on scene, and hurls him off camera with 'the force'. His dark image walks into the camera, blackens it a few seconds, then comes back out into a normal garage! He and Jackie Chan, in a black limo driver's uniform and hat, step up to a pegboard holding automotive tools.

Jackie twists the rachet wrench and the pegboard slides away. He pushes a button and the room goes light green. He pushes another, and rods come out from under the '66 Dodge convertible, to be clasped by arms from the floor. Jackie pushes another button and the '66 Dodge rotates underneath the floor as a specially built Black space fighter rotates into view. The arms of holding the fighter unleash the ship's body and two hatchs open on top.

Dark Raider and Jackie hop in, D.R. first of course, and the hatches close. The outside garage door on the Star Destroyer, with 2 aliens kissing, opens to part the 2 aliens, and Dark Raider's ship, with green lights, is away! The door closes and the 2 aliens are now meanly glaring at the departed ship! Of course besides the door is the famous patch "Post No Bills".

As the Earth's forces leave the Earth in the distance we zoom in on Leela.

LEELA: Purple One to Purple Two.

We close in on Fry.

LEELA: Purple One to Purple Two. Fry?

FRY: Oh, yea? I mean Purple Two to Purple One go ahead, over.

LEELA: Where's Purple Leader?

FRY: I didn't see him take off.

LEELA: Purple One to Purple Leader.

Still in the hangar bay is Zoidburg, who'se stuck nose first in the door, and trying to get out.

He finally answers Leela's call.

ZOIDBURG: This is Purple Leader.

LEELA: Zoidburg where are you?

ZOIDBURG: If you must know I'm still in the hangar. I can't get the hang of these controls.

He's not kidding. His Joystick has been shortened, he grabs his throttle and snips that off, grabs the gearshift and snips that off, and finally grabs the canopy release lever to snip that off. That really depresses him and he burys his head in his claws. We're back with Leela and the ships with one straggling behind. Before anything can be said we learn who it is by the long hard grinding shift and sudden acceleration to catch up to the force. Yes its Fry. They are now seen closing with the Star Destroyer.

HERMES: Dis is Green Leader to all Green Units, cover me ahm going in.

AMY: Wow really?

HERMES: Sweet Judas of the Priests mon, no, I just wanted to make a good first impression.

FRY: Oh oh oh I'll try. I mean..... this is Purple Two to Green Leader and Green Three, cover me I'm going in.

LEELA: Purple One to Purple Two, be careful and good luck.

FRY: Piece a cake.

He dives his ship as the ships with the Green stripes go in after him. As he nears the highly detailed surface of the Destroyer, Dark Raider's ship and two others close in behind the group. The Star Destroyer's larger gun battery goes into action against them but hit nothing.

A huge mechanical hand comes out, snaps its fingers, and pops back in. Fry looks back and screams as he heads down the trench. Behind him come 2 enemy craft.

FRY: Get em off me, get em off me!

AMY: Gotcha covered big guy.

She fires and actually hits one. We see a space suited figure standing on a platform with a rifle, firing by hand at the ships. We see Amy's ship fire again. This time theres a roasted turkey holding the same rifle on the platform.

We switch to Dark Raider being driven by Jackie Chan.

D.R.: I have you now foolish one.

His ship fires and clips Amy's ship on the wing, forcing her to spin out of the trench and regain control above it.

AMY: I'm hit!! No wait. Its just a flesh wound.

LEELA: How bad is it Green Three?

AMY: (holding up her hand to examine it) Nothing a little buffing and new coat of gloss won't fix.

Back in the trench, Fry turns around and then screams. Its Dark Raider's ship and escort fighter coming on. Fry turns around and screams again. This time Hermes gets a shot in that takes out the escort fighter. Fry turns around and screams a third time. This time theres a huge steel pinball rolling down the trench after him. We zoom out to watch Fry and the ball fly around, bouncing off towers and down lanes, while the control tower in back starts racking up 30,000 points to the accompaniment of usual pinball machine noises.

Finally Fry fires his missiles and pulls out.

FRY: God I never wanna do that again.

HERMES: You said it mon, I had visions of death benefits leaving my head.

LEELA: Well you tried but it didn't work.

FRY: You mean all that work was for nothing!?

LEELA: Oh I'm sure you made someone a little happier. However your shots were too high.

FRY: Crap. Speaking of high..........

He turns his vessel around and flys back over the control tower.

FRY: Only 35,650! Thats terrible.

LEELA: Look people he's almost within range, we've got to stop him.

Back inside the huge windowed control tower's command center, a black silhouetted figure approaches another.

VOICE: We're almost within range.

VOICE: Good. Power up the Planet Cannon and wait for orders, I'll notify Lord Raider. Inside the Earth's command post, everyone is leaning over the table, watching the battle unfold.

ADMIRAL: Our forces are taking a beating.

PREZ: The enemy is almost within range.

WEST: (in the background with Graves and Matt and Dave) I still can't believe you did that!

Back in space, the Star Destroyer rounds the planet Mars. Its followed by a small handful of Earth's "Y" wing fighters and enemy Drej Stingers. We zoom in on Leela and Fry flying side-by-side.

LEELA: Purple One to Purple Two, can you make another run?

FRY: Negative Purple One but this is suuuuhhhhhweet!

LEELA: (mildly disgusted) Save your ammo and cover me I'm going in.

FRY: But.........if your killed, I'll.......I'll...........(pause)...........have no one to tease!

LEELA: What about Amy?

FRY: I'll always have Amy.

LEELA: Its no use, we don't have anyone else with Amy and Hermes keeping the enemy off our backs. I'm going in.

She peels off and, with a sigh and a hard grinding shift, Fry peels off after her. Back in the pack, Amy and Hermes and 1 other Green striped fighter are doing the fanciest of flying and picking off the enemy like flies.

HERMES: Great Day in the Darrell F. Zanuck mon, if we aint da best!

AMY: I know! (amorously) I know a couple of the writers.

Back on board DR's limo-fighter, he points.

D.R.: She is going for the kill. Follow her!

CHAN: Is this a good time to discuss a pay raise?

Dark Raider swats Jackie's head into the dash, Jackie's helmet comes back with a few buttons attached to it.

CHAN: Guess not. Okay boss I'm on her.

The limo-fighter peels outof the back of fighters being decimated by the Green flight and follows Fry and Leela down to the surface of the Star Destroyer. Purple flight is now blazing down the trench as the limo-fighter pulls in behind. Gun fire is exchanged between DR. and Fry, who is somehow flying at incredible speeds- backwards! On board the Star Destroyer, we quickly cut to the crew in scenes of powering up the huge planet gun. Fast cut to Leela and her bearing down on the task. Fast cut to DR's ship firing and missing. Fast cut to Fry sticking out his tongue and then firing, he misses. Fast cut to DR. and Jackie BOTH sticking their tongues out through their helmets and firing. Fry is hit!

FRY: I can't continue!!!!

LEELA: Then go, I'm almost there.

Fry peels out with a smoking wing. We close-in on Fry.

FRY: Hey I thought things like this couldn't burn or smoke in the vacuum of space!!!

Back to Amy, who's reply is just as amorous as before.

AMY: I know a couple of the writers.

Fast cut to the Commander of the Star Destroyer as Earth's moon recedes to the right.

COMM: Signal Dark Raider to hold them off a little longer, we are in range!

Fast cut to the ship's crew excitedly pushing buttons on their consoles and the ship's main gun coming to life. Fast cut to Leela, who's grown a little somber now.

LEELA: (in deep thought voiceover) So this is it? One roll of the dice? All or nothing? Just when I'm so close I have to be so far? (now grim) And where the hell is a Jedi when you need one!? Fast cut to Amy, who's about to repeat her line. Fast cut back to Leela, who grips the controls tighter and shoves the accelerator forward.

LEELA: Ahhhhh stuff it Wong! This is it!

She surges ahead. Inside the limo-fighter we're sitting with DR. watching as her ship, pink outline on the screen, lines up with his blue outline and the screen images flash the words "locked on".

DR.: I have you now!

The earth, in green outline on the screen, lines up with the red outline on the screen and the Star Destroyer's commander bends forward.

COMM: I have you now.

Leela's port image, in green outline on her screen, lines up with the white outline and flashs "locked on".

LEELA: I have you now!

A bottle, in brown outline on the movie screen, lines up with a white outline, flashs "locked on", we pull back to a scene of Bender under the wing of his fighter in the hanger bay.

BENDER: I have you now!

We fast cut to the limo-fighter in the trench being hit in the back by surprising cannon fire. The limo-fighter zooms out of the trench with the deadly duo screaming. ITS FRY, with a bandage on his damaged wing!

FRY: I have you now! Cmon Leela, blow this pop stand!

LEELA: You got it!

She fires and the two missiles go right down the port. Inside the Star Destroyer's commander raises his arm.

COMM: Aim..................FIRE!

As Leela and Fry pull away from the scene, the Star Destroyer explodes in a blaze of sfx.

Inside the limo-fighter, we see the tumbling duo.

DR.: We must stabilize this ship.

CHAN: What da ya mean "we" boilerbreath bozo!?

Jackie ejects in a separate lifepod while the limo-fighter finally gains control and heads off in the opposite direction.

Back on Earth, Fry and Leela step out of a limo with a garbage bag each. They've been let off in front of the P.E. building.

FRY: (holding his bag up) Boy they gave us enough medals didn't they?

LEELA: Of course, we saved their hides for them.

FRY: Yea, and the important thing is we all got great pensions coming on retirement!

LEELA: No, I think the important thing is you came back for me.

FRY: What are friends for? (sheepishly) Ahhh I got a surprise for you.

LEELA: What is it? (expectant)

The doors open to the hanger bay of the P.E. building and its all decked out for a party, a Birthday Party!

THE GANG: Happy Birthday Leela!

Now, to the strains of the Beatles "Birthday" everyone dons hats and starts dancing. We intercut to various scenes of Hermes and his wife, Zoidburg in the punch bowl, Bender dancing with his hand up the back of a water cooler, the Professor with Mom, Amy with Jackie Chan, still in his uniform but without helmet, and a few others. As the song slowly fades we pan to the edge of a bed, with Fry's shoes and Leela's boots side-by-side. On this we fade out.