Fan Fiction

The Pregnancy
By Superman

Morning at Planet Express.

Hermes: Ahhhh, time for my precious 10:00 a.m. meeting. [He notices that Leela is absent.] Where in Legoland is Leela?!

The videophone rings. Fry answers it.

Fry: Leela? Why aren't you at work?

Leela: I've got horrible intestinal pain.

Fry: Oh my god!! We've got to get you to a hospital!!

Later in the day. The same doctor that gave Leela an eyepatch in "Bender Gets Made" has just returned with the results of a test on Leela's stomach.

Doctor: Miss Leela, congratulations. You are going to have a baby.

Leela: WHAT?!

Fry: How could she be pregnant? She hasn't had sex for a year!

Doctor: Well, for a normal human it takes nine months. But she is a humanoid alien. It's probably different in her species' case.

Bender: Who is the father?

Doctor: According to the D.N.A. test we've done earlier, it seems that the proud father is... Zapp Brannigan.

Leela: WHAT?!

Fry [to the doctor]: Is it a boy or a girl.

Doctor: It is a boy.

Leela starts crying.

Leela [in tears]: Oh my god, I can't have a child!

Doctor: Well, excuse me. I have other patients waiting.

Leela: Bye, Doctor.

They leave the room.

The doctor is in his office, at the computer. Suddenly, Zapp appears on the screen.

Doctor: Leela came to see me today and complained about pains in her stomach. I told her she was pregnant, just like you asked. I've finished my part of this arrangement.

Zapp: Very well then. I'll have Kif paint your house in no time.

Doctor: Excellent.

The bridge of Zapp's ship.

Zapp [to himself]: Hehehehe. Now that Leela thinks that she's carrying my child, she would want me as a father for the child. Then she would come crawling back to me! [To Kif] Kif, the beans I ate last night for dinner are giving me gas. Go get the air freshener.

Kif groans.

Back at the PE building.

Leela: What am I going to do?

Fry: How about talking to Zapp?

Leela: Ohhhh, alright.

Leela walks to the conference table, and activates the screen. Zapp appears on the screen in a few seconds.

Zapp: Leela, my sweet! What a sexy surprise.

Leela: Zapp, you got me pregnant.

Zapp: Don't worry! I'll take full responsibility on the baby! All you have to do is come to the Nimbus and be my woman.

Leela: Ehhhh... I'll give you an answer for that later.

The screen goes black. Farnsworth walks in.

Farnsworth: Something inside tells me that you are not pregnant. I want you to see another doctor.

Later, at another hospital.

Doctor #2: Well I hate to be the one who has to tell you this, Miss Leela, but you are not pregnant.

Leela: What?

Bender: Oh my god, the Professor was right!

Leela: I don't get it. Why was I suffering from pain?

Doctor #2: You ate something bad, probably a rotten fruit.

Leela: That's it?

Doctor #2: Yes. I have no idea why the other doctor told you that you were pregnant.

Leela: Me neither!

Farnsworth: What the hell are we doing here? Let's go find out!

Back at the Taco Bellevue Hospital. Leela is choking the doctor.

Leela: I am going to ask you again, why did you tell me I was pregnant?

Doctor: Okay! Okay! I'll tell you! Several months ago Zapp Brannigan contacted me and told me that if Leela should ever come to me complaining about stomach pains, I should tell her that she is pregnant.

Leela: What?

Fry: Why did you do it?

Doctor: I was trying to paint my house for a long time. But, it costs tens of dollars, and most of my money goes toward paying off bills.

Bender: You're a doctor. Aren't you making tons of cash?

Doctor: No.

Fry: So he promised that his sidekick would paint you house?

Doctor: Yes.

Leela: That moron!! He wanted me to come crawling back to him all along!! I am so pissed off!!

The doctor starts really choking. She drops him.

Fry: Leela, relax. You know what they say, don't get mad... GET EVEN!!

Leela suddenly has a smile on her face.

Farnsworth: Why are you so happy?

Leela [laughs]: It's payback time.

Once again, Leela activates the screen at the PE building. Zapp's image appears.

Leela: Hey there, Zapper. I've decided that a boy should have a father, so I'm coming over to spend the rest of my life with you.

Zapp: Aham... well...

Leela turns off the screen before Zapp can say anything, and Fry enters the room.

Fry: Did it work?

Leela: Yes. He ate it up.

Fry: The Professor said that you could take the ship for maximum a week.

Leela [smiling]: Don't worry. It will take me a lot less than a week.

The PES docks with the Nimbus, and Leela enters Zapp's quarters.

Zapp: I'm so glad you came back to me. Now, what do you say you and me go to bed?

Leela: Oh, Zappish, you nutty, I can't have sex with you, or with anyone for that matter. Not until I give birth. According to the calculations the birth should take place in May, 3005.

Zapp: WHAT?!

Leela: Zappish, where will you be sleeping?

Zapp: What do you mean?

Leela: Well, I have the tendency to kick all around when I sleep. If you don't want to wake up with a black eye, I suggest you'd find another place to sleep. You could sleep with with your little green friend. You know, have a slumber party.

Zapp: Ehh... Wha? No... wait!

Leela pushes a shocked Zapp outside and the door closes. She is at the computer when Bender's image appears on the screen.

Bender: Leela! How's things with Zapp?

Leela: I need you to give me one of your recipes.

Bender: So you want to learn from the master, eh?

Leela: Yes.

The next day. Zapp is giving a briefing to the Nimbus' soliders when the door opens and Leela comes in.

Leela [loudly]: Hey Zappish dear, I made you lunch.

The men start laughing. Zapp seems ashamed. He enters his quarters and sees a small tray with a lot of food on it.

Leela: Hey dear, how was it last night?

Zapp: Not fun at all. Kif didn't stop whining when I ordered him to sleep on the floor.

Leela: Well, too bad, you're going back there tonight, and every night until I give birth.

Zapp sighs.

The next morning. Zapp enters his quarters and searches his closet.

Zapp: Leela, where are my clothes?

Leela comes out of a door holding his uniform.

Leela: Zappish, I know how much you like your uniform. Well, I tried to put it in the washer so it would be clean today. But... [takes his uniform out from behind her back, all torn]... I accidentally put it in a shredder.

Zapp: My uniform!! My velour uniform!! NNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Back at the PE building. Everyone is at the main table.

Fry: So that's when he gave up?

Leela: Yes. He told me everything.

Bender: That will teach that idiotic jackass! He'll think twice before he tries something like that again!

Leela: Yeah... But I don't know, up until now he was an annoying jerk who wanted me to come crawling back to him. But now he just went too far. Bribing my doctor! Telling me I was pregnant! He just went too far.

Bender: You can always neuter him!

Leela: I don't think they make scissors that small!

Everybody laughs as credits begin to roll.