Futurama

Fan Fiction

Perfumed By An Unseen Censor
By JBERGES

(Opening Credits and Music: Caption: Futurama: We put the "Fat Ram" back in "Futurama.")

(Shot of Fry, Bender, and Leela on the couch watching TV, the Scary Door is on)

Announcer: You are about to enter a realm of which you've probably never seen anything much like. Without warning, you're bound and gagged and put in a shopping cart wearing nothing but a negligee barreling down the steep hill that is the human mind. Perhaps someone important to you dies, or maybe someone dead comes back to life. Maybe both. You've reached… The Scary Door.

(Scene opens on a shocked scientist in a lab bawling to his comrades, book in hand)

Announcer: Register, record, and catalog one young scientist, James Binner, who has just made a shocking discovery…

James: I've finally translated the text! "To Serve Man"…it's…it's a cookbook!

Scientist: Worse yet, that book is possessed!

(Book starts gnawing on James's arm)

James: AHHHHHHHH!

Scientist 2: Why should you feel pain, James? You're dead! (Points to graveyard outside, Tombstone reads: "James Binner 2965 - yesterday")

James: AHHHHHHHH! Mommy, help me! (Turns to face his Mom, who is suddenly in the lab, facing away from him)

Old Woman: I'm not your mother… (Turns to face him) I'm you, James!! (She has the same face as him) *Maniacal Laughter*

James: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

*Click*

Calculon: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…

Bender: Damn, that was close. Almost missed the exciting conclusion of "All my Circuits."

Fry: You just don't see quality acting like this anymore.

Calculon: ...OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…

(Professor Farnsworth enters, looks confused for a second)

Farnsworth: Uh…no news everyone… (Starts to leave)

Hermes (Off Camera): Theys always news and you know it ya old bat, now call a meetin' so we can hear about it!

Farnsworth: Well… you heard whoever that was; off we go to the meeting room!

Fry/Leela/Bender: Next commercial.

Calculon: ..oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…

(Planet Express meeting room. The usual gang is assembled)

Bender: Alright, this better be important. We're missing some superior television!

(Brief silence; in the distance a very faint "…oooooooooooo…" can still be heard)

Farnsworth: Oh, but it is! I just had to show you all my latest gizmo!

Leela: So, you finally invented something new?

Farnsworth: Oh my yes! That is, if by "invented" you mean "purchased", and by "new" you meant, "not new at all" (He produces a small decrepit looking computer)

Zoidberg: So… what does it do, already?

Farnsworth: Well, its origin dates all the way back to 2750. (picture gets rippled, a la flashback) Back then…

Leela: Amy!

(Cut to show Amy blow-drying her hair with the Arid-izer 6200, shooting hot air across the room)

Amy: Sorry. (Turns appliance off, the picture returns to normal)

Farnsworth: Anyways, it was the time of television's great revival, because reality shows were on their last legs. Before giving in to the responsibility of writing their own shows, networks decided to start showing their reality footage completely live, with no editing whatsoever. While this did temporarily boost ratings, it soon became apparent that too much censorable material was getting through to an impressionable audience. Rather than resorting to countless bleeps or subpar dubbing every time someone stating cursing, network executives and scientists joined forces to create… the dicto-swap. The dicto-swap can be programmed for real-time censoring. It causes any programmed word said to sound like another word when heard by others within earshot. (He presses a button on the console and a hologram appears in the center of the table)

(In the hologram we see a clip of an old reality show)

Woman one: Shut up, meanie! You slept with my man, you dirty strumpet. I'll kick your bum!

Woman two: Forget you! He deserves better than some loser like you. You take one more look at him and I'll kick your forgetting bum!

Fry: Wooh! Awesome! Kick her bum! (Makes cat-fighting noises)

Leela: (sigh)

(The clip ends)

Farnsworth: The dicto-swap successfully changed fowl language to something easier on the listeners' ears. Obviously, it wasn't perfect, and usually the lips didn't quite match the sound. However, most people were stupid and didn't really care. Since there's no change in the voice intonations or pitch, the device was considered a success, and reality TV lasted another several seasons.

Bender: Oh, well, that was mind-numbingly fascinating! Here I am listening to this skin tube… (Looks at professor)…skin-sack… (Another take)… skin-amassment talk about TV, when I could be watching actual TV! I'm outta here, bite my shiny metal honesty! (Gasp!)

(Cut to Amy, who has already figured out how to work the dicto-swap)

Bender: A… S… S… Honesty. What the hell? Amy, turn that damn thing off! I'm slightly less of an adorable rascal without my catchphrases!

Amy: Nah, I kinda like it this way, good change of pace. (Gives device to Professor)

Bender: Oh! Oh! I just had the best idea! Professor, can Fry and I borrow the dicto-swap? I promise we won't use it for personal gain or amusement! (He says this while snatching it) Fry, this is gonna be better than when I took you to that robot brothel yesterday!

Fry: That wasn't fun. That wasn't fun at all! I even told you, "Bender, that place was horrific!"

Bender: (Thinking back) Whore-riffic indeed…

Leela: All disturbing mental images aside, you two have got to be crazy if you think I'm just going to sit here on my honesty while… (Looks at Bender, the device is still on. He turns it off)…on my ass… and let you wreck all sorts of literary havoc.

Hermes: And besides, the three of yous have a delivery today, rememba? You'll be delivering Zapp Brannigan's new ultra-velour uniform to the Nimbus. Zapp wants ta look sharp for some secret meeting he has tonight.

Leela: Hermes! You never mentioned this before! How could you allow this happen when you know the trouble he's caused me?

Hermes: Well, he offered double the pay if you were the one delivering it. You'd be mad ta think I'd pass that up!

Fry (Triumphantly): Wait, I have an idea!

Bender: And only 3 weeks after the last one, Zoidberg, pay up!

Zoidberg (Dejected): Oohhhhh! This is the price I pay for trying to be a thrifty gambler… (Hands Bender 5 dollars, and runs away sobbing)

Fry: I think there's a way we can make the delivery, me and Bender can have some fun, and Leela can get in on it too!

Leela: I wasn't stopping you from going out because I wasn't invited, I wanted to prevent chaos.

Professor: Preventing chaos? Pure lunacy! Now, as for amplifying chaos… (retreats to his lab)

Bender: C'mon, Leela. You know you want a little revenge, Bender style!

Fry: Bender style? But my plan doesn't involve looting or the word "pimp"...

Bender: Damn…

Leela: (malicious side getting the best of her) Well…

(Cut to Zapp and Kif in the control room of the Nimbus)

Zapp: …and that's why I find underpants too constricting.

Kif: (sigh) Fascinating, sir.

Zapp: Now, on to far more sexual matters. As you know, I've arranged that the lovely lady Leela deliver my new uniform. After I try it on she'll undoubtedly be overwhelmed by my manly guise, and I'll be all over her like a fat man on an incredibly buxom sandwich.

Kif: Of course sir, but might I ask what this has to do with me?

Zapp: Simple. I'll need someone to entertain the non-womanly members of Leela's crew while we're… (Extremely deliberate wink) …having sex.

Kif: Sir, usually one only winks when relating ideas through innuendo…

Zapp: Whatever. My point, before you so rudely interrupted me, was that you'll be entertaining the other guests. You can wear this! (Produces a clown costume)

Kif:(Hands over face) Oh…

(Cut to the flight deck of the Planet Express Ship. Leela is piloting and Fry is programming the dicto-swap)

Fry: Ok, I think I've got this thing all figured out…We just program one of Zapp's predictable sayings into the dicto-swap, and then tell it to change some words into words that give you a chance to get your revenge.

Leela: Wow Fry, I'm actually impressed by your current lack of idiocy. Usually your ideas are interesting just for the novelty of their existence.

Fry: If you like this plan, wait 'til you hear my next one! We just need a box of Rogaine, the heads of various animals…

Leela: You can just stop there Fry; I won't be a part of another haired-brain scheme.

(Camera cuts to list Fry has been copying off of. We see: )
   __________________________
    1. Brannigan = Dumbass
    2. Sexual = Friendly
    3. Lovely = Ugly
    4. Lady =Bitch
    5. Sorry = Kick Me
    6. Face = Gonads
    7.
   __________________________

Leela: What are the odds of this working anyway? We can't be positive about what he's going to say to me.

Bender: Exactly two in thirteen. (Fry and Leela stare at him) What? I deal will odds a lot. Now, if you need me I'll be over there, not giving a damn, until something interesting happens (lights a cigar and leaves).

Leela: Well, if anything, this should definitely confuse Zapp (Pockets the dicto-swap)

(3-D cut scene of the Planet Express ship docking with the Nimbus)

(Fry, Leela, and Bender enter and are greeted by Kif, who is wearing the clown costume and looking miserable)

Kif (melancholy) : Welcome, everyone… Captain Leela, Zapp wants to sign for the package in his… (long sigh)… "Package Room." (Points down the hall)

(The crew looks disgusted)

Kif: He also wishes that you make the delivery alone. I'll stay here with the others…

Leela: OK guys, wait here. I won't be long… (Devilish grin as she exits)

Kif: Well… now… I suppose… you won't… force me to…

(Fry and Bender are staring him expectantly)

Kif(muttering): Damn that lummox… (Starts dancing and waving his arms about)

Fry: Woohoo! Yeah!

(Bender hits a button on himself and circus music starts playing. Fry claps to the beat as Bender contentedly drinks a beer)

(Cut to Leela entering Zapp's chamber. She flips a switch on a device that can be seen protruding out of her back pocket)

Leela (all business): Just sign here Zapp… (Puts the package down)

Zapp: Well, well, well… if it isn't the ugly bitch Leela… (He pauses, looks confused)

Leela (playing along): What did you just call me?!

Zapp (nonplussed): I…I don't know…I'm kick me, but

Leela (cutting him off): You're what?

Zapp (meekly): …Kick me?

(Leela enters her fighting stance, starts a kick)

Zapp: (Shielding his face) Please, not in the gonads!

Leela: (A beat) OK. (Resumes kick) Heeee-Ya!

(Leela spin-kicks Zapp in the face sending him reeling. Unbeknownst to her, the dicto-swap slips out of her back pocket and slides across the floor. At the same time, Zapp lands hard, and the rip of a girdle is heard, leaving him dazed with his stomach visible.)

Leela: Now sign this, and don't ever say something like that to me again. (Coyly) And to think, I was going to give you another chance…

(Zapp woozily signs the form, and Leela storms out without noticing what she has dropped)

(Back on the Planet Express Ship)

Leela (Giddy): I can't believe how perfectly it all worked; Zapp couldn't have been more predictable! If only he had started with something about Brannigan's law, or tried to talk about something sexual…the fun was really over before it even started. (chuckles to herself) Oh, you should have been there…

Fry: (In a party hat with a balloon animal) Nah, we were good.

(Shot of Planet Express ship landing back home in the evening. Evening changes to night, which changes to morning)

(Fry Leela and Bender are back on the couch, watching the news. Leela has a coffee, Bender has a beer, and Fry is eating straight from a box of Post™ Nasal Drip cereal)

Linda: And in sadder news, The Angorians from the planet Angor are about to declare war on Earth, after a disastrous meeting between Angorian Emperor Moreburg and DOOP captain Zapp Brannigan. According to Angorian sources, Captain Brannigan made several "fawks passes" and has disgraced the honor of Angor for generations to come, Morbo?

Morbo: MORBO INSISTS IT'S PRONOUNCED "FAUX PAS"! HERE'S THE CLIP!!

Leela: (suddenly realizes something's amiss, spit take) My God, I left the dicto-swap in…

Fry / Bender: Quiet!

(Screen shows still pictures of Zapp and the Angorian leader, a long-haired catlike creature, while audio plays)

Zapp: Ah, your Excellency, it is an honor to finally meet you, gonads to gonads.

Moreburg (appalled and angered): What are you implying?

Zapp: Uh…nothing friendly, I assure you!

Moreburg: Not… friendly…? I once thought there could be eternal peace between our civilizations, but you bring that into question…

Zapp (broken): Wait! I apologize. Things have not gone well for Zapp Dumbass today. (confused pause) I've lost the irresistible charisma that has made me the brave and influential leader I am today. I have insulted you and your ugly civilization, and for that I'm kick me…

Moreburg (enraged): Stop this nonsense! You have insulted us enough! This means war on you and your home planet! We will attack in two days and …

(Leela turns off the TV)

Leela: He must have picked up the dicto-swap after I dropped it, and had it with him at that meeting! But…but when did I lose it? (Angered) Ohh…the centripetal force from my spin-kick must have forced the device out of my back pocket…

Bender: So, by that, you mean you didn't just forget about it while quenching your blood lust? Because that's fine too.

(Leela gives Bender a dirty look)

Fry: Calm down Leela, I'm sure things will be OK. Are you sure that's what happened? Zapp's not really the greatest public speaker. Remember when he tried to defend himself in court? Hell, I'm even better than him.

Bender: (abundant sarcasm) Heh, yeah… right.

Fry: You quiet! … be.

Leela (distraught): Fry, remember our list? It's obvious this is our fault!

(Fry pulls the now crumpled list out of his pants pocket, once again, we see: )

   __________________________
    1. Brannigan = Dumbass
    2. Sexual = Friendly
    3. Lovely = Ugly
    4. Lady =Bitch
    5. Sorry = Kick Me
    6. Face = Gonads
    7.
   __________________________

Leela: That entire conversation makes sense now… what are we going to do? Earth may be doomed!

(Dramatic music)

…and, on an unrelated side note, you own more than one pair of pants for a reason, Fry.

Fry: I lose less stuff this way.

Bender: Hey, why'd you turn off the TV anyway? (Turns the TV back on)

Leela: Because I needed your full attention for once.

Bender: … (Long pause as he stares at the TV) … Huh? Yeah, why not.

Leela: (turning to Fry) Well, you're the one with all the plans now, right? What do you think we should do?

Fry: Uhh…

Bender (Excited): Hey, everyone look at Bender!

(Fry and Leela oblige)

Bender (Deadpan): OK, now look at the TV. You might find this interesting.

(The TV screen shows Zapp Brannigan at his post on the Nimbus, about to speak)

Leela: Oh God, what are we going to make him say this time?

Zapp: People of Earth, Zapp Brannigan is a man you do not want to mess around with …unless it's in a sexual way… (Winks at camera)

Fry: Well, he's back to his old self again…

Zapp (Dramatic): But yesterday, I was just a mere puppet. Someone was out to ruin my credibility, and managed to force Earth into war at the same time. I now know who this criminal is. That is why, I, Zapp Brannigan, have demanded the capture and imprisonment of the person who is to blame for all of this…

(Leela, Fry, and Bender lean in anxiously)

Zapp: Lieutenant Kif Kroker!

(Leela's jaw falls agape, Fry's jaw falls agape, the lower half of Bender's face jettisons from his head and rattles around on the floor. He sheepishly picks it up again.)

Zapp: My former comrade Kif, ever-jealous of my higher rank and success with women, used some sort of freaky alien mind control ability, and ruined my chance to score with a woman! Oh, then he used it to ruin my meeting with the cat people. As you can see, now that Kif has been locked away in the Nimbus's brig, I've regained control, and since the cat people don't believe me, I will lead the Earth in a valiant effort to destroy the supremely technologically advanced enemy. It will be a sure victory! (Gives the thumbs up)

Leela: I can't believe this…

Fry: Poor Kif… We have to help him! Oh, and Earth if possible.

Leela: If Zapp doesn't know about the dicto-swap… where is it right now? (She gets an idea) His ultra-velour suit! The meeting with the Angorians was the special meeting Hermes was talking about… He wouldn't have noticed it yet because Kif always handles his laundry, and, unlike other people I know, he wouldn't dare wear the same suit two days in a row.

Fry: Great thinking, Leela! Now…uh…how does that help?

(Cut to Amy, Hermes, Leela, Fry, and Bender at the conference table)

Leela: Ok, so here's the plan. Amy, your job is pretty straightforward. Just beg Zapp to let you see Kif in his cell. Knowing Zapp, he won't trust you, but I'm guessing he'll let you see Kif while keeping close watch; if anything just to hit on you. While you have Zapp occupied, Fry, Bender and I will sneak through the Nimbus's ventilation system, arriving here at Zapp's room. (She points to a convenient blueprint) Bender and I will lower Fry down, and he'll find Zapp's suit and get the dicto-swap. Hermes?

Hermes: Right. As any well-educated bureaucrat knows, under Angorian law, no act of war can be made without an official declaration. Dat little outburst last night wasn't official, so I'm guessin' they're going to broadcast the official one tonight. Under article BS12 of dis war law, it states that unless the current leader says the words "We officially declare war on" in the enemy's native language, war cannot be initiated.

Leela: So, we'll have to be at that declaration. We can prevent the war using the same thing that started this all!

Bender: You're going to have sex with Zapp again?

(Leela stares him down)

Amy: Hermes, c'mon. Do you really think they won't attack because of one little loophole?

Hermes (jovial): Oh, I do! They're very strict and ritualistic about dis stuff. Ahh…ta be Angorian…

Fry: Oh man…this is gonna be awesome! Just like Mission Impossible! I'm gonna be all (Tries in vain to look covert)

Leela: Further proof you can't pantomime everything you're going to do.

Fry: Yeah, well I'm going to prove you wrong… just as soon as I find a way to act out proving you wrong…

Amy: Uh…guys? Earth? Save? By tonight?

Leela: Right, let's go!

(Amy, Bender, Fry, and Leela bolt out of the room, leaving Hermes quietly reading over some paperwork. Just then, Zoidberg enters from outside, sopping wet with an unknown liquid)

Zoidberg (flustered): What a day it's been…I'm so glad my friend is here so can tell about it.

Hermes (to himself): Why don't I ever go wit' dem…?

(Another cut scene of the PE ship docking with the Nimbus)

(Amy is in the control room of the Nimbus with Zapp.)

Amy: …so you have to let me see my darling Kif!

Zapp: I don't know why you associate with that criminal, especially when you have someone as fantastic as me just waiting to rock your world!

Amy: Oh…uh… I think of you more as a big brother than anything, Zapp…

Zapp: An incredibly sexy older brother?

Amy: Not quite…

Zapp: All right then, you can see the prisoner…but I'll have both my eyes on you, and possibly a hand later. By the way, you wouldn't happen to be from Alabama would you?

Amy: Mars, why?

Zapp (evasive): No reason…

Meanwhile, Fry, Leela, and Bender are shimmying through the vents over Zapp's room)

Leela: Ok, Zapp should be occupied now. Fry, let's go.

(Bender hooks fry to a rope, opens a grate, and shoves him out)

Bender: And don't screw up!

Leela: Bender, cut him some slack!

Bender: Oh, I see! Always defending the human!

Leela: No, I mean cut him some slack! (She points)

(Camera pans to show that Fry has only been able to descend a foot or two, and is dangling helplessly)

Bender: Oh. (He lets some rope out. Fry hits the ground with a thud)

Leela: Now find the dicto-swap, and let's get out of here! I'm having disturbing flashbacks!

(Fry spots a suit on the bed and checks the pockets)

Fry: Ooh! This is silky! (checks another pocket) Got it!

Bender: OK! (Reeling-in sound is heard)

Fry: Yaaaaah! (Fry is quickly dragged and hoisted up into the grate)

(Cut to Leela, Bender, and Fry sneaking back on to the PE ship)

Leela: So far so good, now we just have to wait for Amy to get back. She's probably trying to get Zapp to let Kif go, but we can't help Kif until we stop this war. She's going to have to gonads that.

(Fry and Bender chuckle)

Leela (weak smile): I thought you turned that thing off Fry… (Fry turns it off)

(Cut to Amy and Zapp in the brig. Kif is behind bars looking his usual depressed self)

Zapp: So you see, Kif must be kept here until we come up with a suitable punishment for such a treasonous act.

Amy: But he's innocent! If he could control your mind, why didn't he do it before? And why isn't he doing it now?

Zapp: I believe it's standard DOOP procedure to answer the second question first. Fear. Kif knows I have the upper hand now, and he has lost the element of surprise. As for the first question…uh… I don't know. What do you have to say for yourself, criminal?

Kif(polite): Clearly, sir…

Zapp: Enough blasphemy! (He pronounces this "blasp-hemi") Visiting time is over. Now, it's either leaving time (Points out the door)… or Zapp time! (Arms akimbo, he winks)

(Amy shudders for a second, then is suddenly hit with an idea.)

Amy: Zapp… since Kif controlled your words, couldn't he do the same thing to the speaker at the Angorian war declaration? He could stop the war, and you would be a hero!

Zapp: I'll be a hero anyway, after I destroy them in battle!

Amy: Yes…but everyone already knows Zapp Brannigan, the war hero. Now is your chance to be Zapp Brannigan, intelligent peace-keeper!

Zapp (Thinking): Well… nothing stokes my ego more than a new title… and there's nothing Zapp Brannigan loves more than a good stroking (He winks yet again).

Kif (sarcastically upbeat): See sir, that was innuendo! Now you get it!

Zapp: Quiet you! Now, answer me! Will you give up your treacherous ways, and help me become more of a hero?

Kif (defensive): But, sir, I never even… (Rethinks his plight) sigh... I have learned my lesson, sir. You have my eternal loyalty. I will do this for Earth, and for you.

Zapp: Good! Then we will be at that war declaring thingy! (To Amy) But…wait…how is Kif going to stop the war just by being there?

Amy: Don't worry Zapp, Kif knows what to do. (She winks at Kif and turns to go) I love you Kiffy, good luck! (She leaves)

Zapp: OK Kif, you're on our side again, but you had better watch yourself! Now, first order of business; what's this war declaration she was talking about?

Kif: (Hands over face) Ohh…

(Cut scene of the PE Ship leaving the Nimbus)

(Back onboard, Amy, Leela, and Bender are in the control room)

Amy: So now, if everything works out, Kif won't even be in trouble anymore.

Leela: That was very clever Amy… Looks like some of my cunning has been rubbing off on you…

Amy (sardonic): Yeah, that's it. Hey! Maybe someday some of my social skills and fashion sense will rub off on you!

Leela (Taking offense): Fashion sense? You're wearing so much makeup that you should be glad to let some of it rub off…

Bender: Ladies… please. There'll be plenty of time for this later, when I can take bets on the fight.

Leela (Regaining poise): Bender's comparatively right… We're a team, and for once, absolutely nothing has gone wrong…

(Phone rings)

Leela: I think we've just been jinxed. (Turns and answers phone)

Hermes: Wonderful information, everyone! You won't have ta infiltrate any Angorian ships tonight!

Leela (excited): They're not going to declare war?

Hermes: Of course dey are! However, since Angorians are members of DOOP, DOOP is allowing the announcement ta be made at old DOOP Headquarters, which just happens to be in…

Leela: Weehauken.

Hermes: Be dere by 8:00.

Zoidberg (Shouting, off camera): Tell them I said "hell- *click*

Leela: Well, this makes things easier… I guess maybe nothing will go wrong…

Amy (Still irked): Stop saying that!

(Leela, Fry, and Bender approach the entrance of old DOOP)

Leela: OK, the dicto-swap is set to change "war" into "peace". I think we just have to be in the same room as the speaker, so act casual. Hey, where's Amy?

Fry: She said she didn't want Zapp or Kif to see her there. Might ruin the plan.

(Cut briefly to Amy on the PE ship. Loud music is playing as she practices kickboxing a one-eyed dummy.)

Leela: OK, here we go…

(The crew enters the building, and pass through something resembling a metal detector. A loud alarm goes off as Leela steps through. Three Angorian guards storm the group.)

Angorian 1: They have a dicto-swap! Get them!

Leela: This is unexpected…

Fry (frightened): I thought no one knew about these things!

Angorian 2: (While handcuffing Fry): The honor of our planet depends on our leader being able to say one phrase correctly. We take all precautions, even against this archaic device.

Angorian 3: (While handcuffing Leela): Preventing the official war phrase from being said is even worse than an assassination attempt. At least then, the war could still carry on with a new leader.

Bender (indifferent): Well, then let us go and we'll just do that...oof! (He is grabbed by the first Angorian. The three are dragged out of the room)

(Cut to the meeting hall at DOOP headquarters. Several Angorians are around the podium, Moreburg is among them. The audience is a motley collection of species, and the camera pans across the crowd, eventually focusing on an extremely butch Earth woman with a baby carriage. This is, of course, Zapp Brannigan in disguise. Kif is in the carriage, dressed as a baby.)

Zapp (whispering): You better do this right, Kif. I didn't dress up like a woman for nothing this time. However… I am one exceedingly sexy woman, aren't I? (Runs his hands up his fake figure) mmmm…I'm particularly fond of the bosoms…

Kif: (Shudders) …I will do my best, uh, sir…

Zapp (Normal volume): Babies don't talk, stay in character! (Turns to an attractive alien next to him) Hey there, gorgeous…

Kif: Sigh...

Zapp (A little loud): Babies don't sigh either!

(Everyone nearby looks at Zapp, then awkwardly scoots a few inches away)

Angorian: (At the podium) Please rise for the Angorian Anthem.

(Everyone stands, there is a brief pause)

(The Meow-Mix™ jingle resounds through the room. The Angorians stand motionless, hands over hearts. One has a tear in his eye, deeply moved.)

(Cut to a DOOP prison cell where Bender, Fry, and Leela are being held. One armed guard is at his post. Melodic meowing can be heard in the distance.)

Leela (softly): The ceremony's starting. We have to get out of here, now!

Bender (quietly): I believe it's time for the bending unit to make his presence felt!

(Bender moseys up to the prison bars, and pauses until the prison guard looks away again. When this happens, he extends his arm through the bars, grabbing the guard's gun)

Bender: Freeze!

(The guard puts his hands up. Bender keeps the gun pointed at him, and then bends one of the prison bars with his other arm, skewing it so that he can fit through. Getting close to the guard, Bender pistol-whips him, knocking him unconscious. He then steals the guard's keys, and unlocks the door, letting the others out. Fry, who was halfway through the opening Bender already made, has to dive out of the way to avoid being hit by the door. With everyone out, Bender closes the cell door, goes back to the guard, takes his wallet, picks him up puts him into the cell using the original bent opening, then bends the bar back into place.)

Leela: That was the most poorly planned escape I've ever seen.

Bender: Eh, you get what you pay for.

Fry: But we didn't…

Bender: You will.

(The commotion over, the meowing in the distance can still be heard, but it stops.)

Leela: We're almost out of time! We have to get the dicto-swap in range!

(The three run though a door. While running, Fry notices Leela still has the dicto-swap)

Fry (Still running): Hey, how come they didn't take that away from us?

(Camera zooms out to show the three have just run though another metal-detector looking device. Alarms go off)

Angorian 2 (off camera): They're over there! Cut them off!

Leela: That would explain it.

(Two armed Angorians cut the group off just short of the door to the meeting hall)

Angorian 2 (Brandishing weapon): Freeze! And turn off that dicto-swap!

Leela (enraged): Wait just one damned second! You're telling me that Angorians know what a dicto-swap is capable of, but refuse to believe Zapp's story about not controlling his own words? Didn't it even occur to you that a dicto-swap might have been involved at the meeting last night?

Angorian 1: Was it? Captain Brannigan's excuse was that a little green man did it. How were we supposed to believe that? (chuckles) Little green men…

Leela (solemn): Look, we're to blame for all this confusion. It was all a misunderstanding caused by this dicto-swap. Please, look into your hearts. You have to let us stop this peace! (She turns the dicto-swap off) I mean this war. (She turns it back on)

(Cut to inside the meeting hall)

Angorian Leader: All formalities over, let us get to the point. I, Emperor Moreburg, and the people of the planet Angor…

(Next scenes are shown in rapid succession)

(Cut to Zapp and Kif)
Zapp (Standing up): Kif, now's your last chance!

(Cut to Moreburg)
Moreburg: We officially declare…

(Fry bursts though the door with the dicto-swap.)

Fry: NOOOOOO! (He flings it high into the air in the stage's direction, trying to get it in range)

(Cut to Moreburg)
Moreburg: War on planet Earth!

(Cut to Zapp)
Zapp: Damnit!

(Cut to the crew at the door)
Fry/Leela/Bender: NO!

(Cut to Planet Express basement)
(Scruffy eats a potato chip)

(Cut to the row in front of Zapp and Kif)

(A shady looking character calmly pulls out a gun. He points it at Moreburg is about to fire. Meanwhile the dicto-swap that Fry lobbed down the aisle strikes Zapp in the back. This force, along with the weight of his fake breasts is enough to send Zapp toppling over the row of seats in front of him, directly on to the man with the gun. A shot goes off and whizzes inches above Moreburg's head. The dazed assassin lies immobile, pinned under Zapp's weight. The audience bursts into applause.)

(Cut to several minutes later. The audience has cleared out. Police are taking the assassin away, and Moreburg is talking to Zapp, while Fry, Leela and Bender watch from afar)

Moreburg: I owe you my life, Captain Brannigan. Following that assassin in disguise then foiling him, even after I affronted you, was truly heroic. I thank you. Therefore, I am canceling the war declaration on Earth, and I am forgiving you for what you said to me last night, whether your story is true or not.

Zapp: Thank you. And don't you worry; things between me and the little green man are all smoothed out.

(Moreburg rolls his eyes and walks away)

Zapp: (Whispering into baby carriage) Kif, I don't know how you did it… but good job.

Kif: Can I get out now?

Zapp: No.

(Cut to the Planet Express building the next morning. Fry, Leela, and Bender are yet again watching TV. The news is on.)

Linda: And so, war has been averted, thanks to the selfless act by Captain Zapp Brannigan.

Morbo: Morbo finds this large man dressed as a woman to be greatly entertaining! Furthermore, NO MAN IN A DRESS WILL THWART MY RACE'S CONQUEST OF THIS PUNY PLANET!

Linda: (chuckles) I'm sure he won't Morbo, I'm sure he won't…

(Leela turns the TV off)

Leela: Well, I guess everything turned out OK.

Fry: Yeah, though I wish those two Angorian guards has just let us go after we explained everything to them…

Bender: Well, no one liked beating them unconscious with their own guns and shoes, then blaming it on the assassin, right?

(The three share a laugh)

Bender: Well, I'm getting more booze, who wants some?

Fry/Leela: It's 10:00AM!

Bender: Three beers it is. (He leaves the room)

Leela: Well Fry, I guess it's your turn to try out the dicto-swap (She produces it from her pocket). I've already had my fun…

Fry: No…you were right to begin with, playing with it has bad consequences.

Leela: Well, it was all kind of my fault anyway…

Fry: It was all of our faults. You should just destroy it. The professor probably doesn't even remember owning it anyway.

Leela: That's very mature of you, Fry.

Fry: Thanks. (Deep breath) Look Leela, can I talk to you for a second?

Leela: …sure.

(Sappy music starts in)

Fry: Look, I know that I… (pause)…Bender!

(Cut to show that the sappy music is coming from Bender, who is standing in the doorway)

Bender: Just trying to help… geez! Fine, I'll turn it off.

(He hits a button on himself, and the circus music from before starts playing)

Bender: Damnit! It's on the fritz again! (Starts hitting himself in the midsection)

Fry: If I've learned anything from Happy Days, I know how to handle this.

(Fry walks smoothly up to Bender, and swiftly elbows him. The music stops)

Fry: (Impersonating Fonzie) AAAAAYYY…

Bender: Ow... I gotta get that fixed… (He leaves)

Fry: Anyway, Leela, look. I know I'm not perfect, but I've been trying to make myself better recently. Look, I even got new pants!

(Camera zooms in on Fry's pants. The tags are still on them, and read "Astro-postale".)

Fry: I ordered them when we were flying back from the Nimbus.

Leela: That's good Fry, but you shouldn't try to make yourself better just to win me over…

(Fry walks to the window, he stares out of it)

Fry: It's not that… well not really. You bring it out in me, not to impress you, but just by being there you make me want to better myself. (Sigh) Please, I'm not asking for you to love me, just to give me a chance. Do you… do you wanna go out tomorrow night? It, it can be as friends even...

(Camera stays on Fry's sullen face. There is long, awkward silence)

Leela (Off camera): That's very sweet of you Fry. I know you try… but then sometimes, sometimes you stoop right back down to that level again... (Pause) Fry, the answer is no, and if you're smart enough maybe someday you'll realize why I said that. (She leaves)

(Camera stays on Fry as he soaks in what just happened. Suddenly, he dashes towards the door)

Fry: Leela, wait! Come back!

(He sees that Leela has forgotten the dicto-swap on the table)

Fry (Shouting as if Leela could still hear him): Leela, you forgot the dicto-swap again! You have to destroy it… (softer)… like you destroy everything else.

(Fry double-takes, the device is on)

Fry's mind: "If you're smart enough, maybe someday soon you'll realize why I said that."

(Fry snatches the dicto-swap and checks the controls. His entire demeanor changes in a split second, his mouth falls open as he gasps)

Fry (Ecstatic): She… she said "no!" (He turns it off) I mean, she said "yes!" Woooooh!

(He charges out the door, in pursuit of Leela)

(Meanwhile, circus music starts up again in the distance as the camera fades to black)

(As credits start)

Bender: OK, that didn't work…

(Sound of him punching himself in the stomach. Circus music switches to sappy music)

Bender: Ow! OK, how about…

(Sound of him punching himself in the stomach harder. Circus and sappy music play at same time)

Bender: Ow! Well, what if I…

(Sound of him punching himself in the stomach even harder. Music stops)

Bender: Bender, you're a genius.

THE END


* Edgar Allen Poe, "The Raven", Line 92
"Then methought the air grew denser, perfumed by an unseen censer"

Comments? Contact me at jdb69@cornell.edu

Buddies