Futurama

Fan Fiction

Passport to Peril
By Dwayne Anderson

The phone began to ring one day at Planet Express. It was answered by Fry. On the other line, he hears a telemarketer's voice.

Telemarketer: Good evening whoever this is! You are our next contestant in our new contest "Password Please". If you can correctly answer the riddle within thirty seconds, you'll win a fabulous prize. Tonight's grand prize, which no one has won yet, is ten thousand dollars cash and a truckload of stuff found off the side of the highway. Your category is "Twentieth Century Life".

Fry: I'm from the twentieth century!

Telemarketer: Then this should be easy for you. We'll select the password, and provide you with clues to what it is. If you win, you'll recieve the grand prize!

Fry: I'm ready.

Telemarketer: And begin! It's a household appliance.

Fry: Wide screen TV with a built-in VCR.

Telemarketer: For cleaning the floor.

Fry: Old underwear.

Telemarketer: A woman uses this to clean the house.

Fry: Air freshener.

Telemarketer: This sucks stuff off the floor.

Fry: A dog.

Telemarketer: This sucks everything up, dirt, lint, dust, you name it.

Fry: A baby.

Telemarketer: Time's almost out! A tornado works like a giant...

Fry: Vacuum?

A bell rings.

Telemarketer: You win! Congratulations Mr. You are our grand prize winner! Just provide us your address and we'll ship your prize over right away.

Fry: Planet Express, New New York.


Ten minutes later, a truck arrives and dumps piles of dead dogs, cats, trash, and even human corpses in front of the Planet Express building. The driver gives Fry a large envelope. Inside is his cash prize.


Fry rushes into the room where his friends are gathered, watching TV.

Fry: Guys! I won ten thousand dollars cash and assorted trash, dead dogs, cats, and people!

Bender: Ten thousand dollars cash?! Now we can buy all the beer we want and drink it up in a single night.

Leela: What are you going to do with all that money Fry? Use it up buying coffee?

Fry: No.

Amy: Buy a lifetime supply of Slurm?

Fry: No.

Hermes: I know! You're gonna take us out to dinner?

Fry: You're close. I'm taking everyone on a luxurious cruise!

Everyone seems excited about the news.

Fry: Everything's on me!


The next morning, everyone finishes packing.

Hermes: I'm taking Labaraba with me. After all, it is our anniversary.

Amy: I can't wait to get to the spa! I want to look great for my next date with Kif!

Zoidberg: And I'm gonna eat all the seafood on the buffet. Don't forget. It's Seafood Sunday!

Leela: I think we should all thank Fry for this vacation! Now let's get going!


Later, at the docks, everyone looks up at an enormous cruise ship similar to the Titanic.

Bender: Where did Fry go?

Hermes: To get our tickets.

Amy: Hey Hermes, where's Dwight?

Hermes: Labaraba and I left him with a babysitter.

Leela: I hope Fry gets here soon, who knows when the ship will take off?

Suddenly, everyone hears a foghorn.

Farnsworth: Oh no! It's leaving without us!

The ship launches forth and begins to lift off into the sky. Leela and the others run down the docks after it.

Leela: Wait! Stop!

But the ship continues to ascend until it's out of sight.

Suddenly, a smaller ship, which looks like a ferry, pulls up to the dock.

Farnsworth: Let's hitch a ride on this one! We'll ask the captain to take us to the cruise liner!

Leela: But we can't leave without Fry!

Bender: Where is that slowpoke anywhere?!

A hatch on the side opens. Out steps Fry, dressed in a white captain's uniform.

Fry: Ahoy there friends! Climb aboard for five fun filled days on the Friend Ship. Ha! Get it? Friendship?

Fry's friends drop their mouths open in shock.

Fry: With no fancy tour package, nothing feels better than the closeness of friends and family!

Leela: Fry, I thought you were taking us on a luxurious cruise.

Fry: Sorry guys, but the cruise was already fully booked. It was either rent a boat or we cancel the trip. Now climb aboard the Friend Ship.

Amy: I'm not getting on that rusty old thing!

Leela climbs into the ship.

Leela: Last one in has to give Farnsworth a sponge bath!

Reluctantly, the others climb aboard.

Zoidberg: Hey! That's my job!


Later, Fry and Leela are standing in the Captain's Chamber. Fry is steering the ship through the vastness of space.

Fry: First Mate Leela, everything clear?

Leela, is looking through the periscope.

Leela: All clear captain! Today's forecast is a clear sky with millions of stars to be seen.

Fry takes a breath of fresh air and sighs in delight.

The door opens. In comes Hermes

Hermes: I can't believe you did this Fry! Have you seen poor Labaraba? This was supposed to be our anniversary!

Fry: Relax Hermes. As long as we're having a good time, that's all that matters.

Hermes: But have you seen everybody else? They're not at all happy about the way things are going.

Fry releases the steering wheel.

Fry: Take over Leela.

Leela: Aye captain!


Fry steps out onto the deck, covered by a protective glass dome. He sees his friends standing around.

Amy: Just my luck! I finally get to go on a luxurious cruise, and instead, I'm stuck on this dinky ferry!

Zoidberg: I'm gonna miss Seafood Sunday!

Labaraba comes out of the bathroom. She seems to be suffering from seasickness.

Labaraba: And I thought this was only for pregnant mothers.

Fry: Calm down everybody! Everything will work out. So we're not on a luxury cruise like I promised, but like I said, it was fully booked.

Amy: You could have made reservations last night!

Fry: Relax Amy. The guy I rented this boat from said it was top notch and shipshape!

Bender: Well how reliable is it?

Fry: Who knows? He said it's never been flown before.

All: What?!

Suddenly, the ship begins to violently rock. Everyone loses their balance.

Labaraba: I think I'm gonna be sick again!

She rushes into the bathroom.

Amy reaches into her jump-suit and takes out a tape recorder. She pushes the "Record" button.

Amy: Note to me: my next birthday, I'm not inviting Fry.


As fast as he can, Fry returns to the Captain's Chamber.

Fry: What's happening First Mate Leela?

Leela: We're being pelted by a meteor shower!

Dozens of small rocks the shape of a human fist rain down upon the ferry.

Fry: Damage report?

Leela: Moderate, captain.

Fry: I'll go check on the others! You take evasive action and steer clear of these rocks!


Back out on the deck, a large meteorite strikes the glass dome. It begins to crack.

Fry throws open the door.

Fry: Everybody clear the area!

Panicking, the others frantically race towards the door as the dome continues to crack. If it burst open, the air would be ripped out of their lungs by the vacumn of space.

Labaraba comes out of the bathroom to join the crowd.

As soon as everyone is evacuated from the deck, Fry closes the door and seals it shut, just as the dome shatters.


Finally, the meteor shower ends. Every is safe inside the Captain's Chamber.

Fry does a head count.

Fry: Alright, everyone's here. First mate Leela, nice work getting us out of there.

Leela: Thank you captain, but, we've got a problem.

Fry: What is it?

Leela: The ship suffered great damage from the meteor shower. I've lost control. The engine is busted. I'm afraid we'll be floating around in space for quite a while.

Fry: Uh oh. This could be bad!

Zoidberg: We're gonna die! We've got no food or water!

Farnsworth: Relax Zoidberg, we've got enough food to last for a day or two.

Zoidberg: We do?

Farnsworth: You're a lobster Zoidberg. We could just eat you.

Leela turns around.

Leela: No! We're not cannibals! Nobody is eating Zoidberg.

Hermes: Just great. Now we're gonna starve!

Labaraba: We'll be lost in space forever!

Amy: And guess who's fault it is!

Everyone angrily glares at Fry, except Leela.

Fry: Uh, why are you guys looking at me like that?

Bender points an accusing finger at Fry.

Bender: This is all your fault!

Fry: My fault?

Amy: Well whose idea was this cruise to doom?!

Leela: Amy! I expected that from Bender, Zoidberg, or even the professor! But from you? I'm shocked!

Hermes: I wish you never won that stupid contest!

Farnsworth: I should have seen this day coming since you first entered Planet Express!

The next thing Fry knows, his angry friends start advancing towards him, except Leela. He backs away.

Bender: You're bendering for a benderful!

Labaraba: You ruined our anniversary!

Amy: Let me at him! I wanna throw him out the airlock!

Zoidberg: Fry, let's have a Claw Plaque right here, right now!

Leela: ENOUGH!!!

Everyone stops and looks at Leela. She takes out a laser pistol.

Bender: Oh good! Leela will take care of Fry for us!

Amy: Go ahead Leela. Nobody's stopping you.

Leela: Nobody is shooting anybody!

She points the pistol down and pulls the trigger. A long blue laser makes an incision on the floor. She begins to move around the others, as the laser cuts into the floor, making a circle.

Fry: Leela don't! It's a rental!

Leela continues to draw a circle with the laser. Once the circle is completed, she releases the trigger.

Fry: Well, there goes my security deposit.

Leela faces the others and hoisters her weapon.

Leela: This is the "Circle of Chaos". As long as we're here, nobody can step into the circle. Everybody out!

Everyone steps out of the circle.

Hermes: Wow, I feel calmer already!

Fry: So are you guys ready to stop being mad at me?

All (except Leela): NO!!!

Fry: Sheesh! No need to yell!

Leela: We don't know how long we'll be stranded here, but we're gonna need someone to control the situation. Any suggestions?

Fry raises his hand.

Amy: Fry, put your hand down you imbecile!

Fry: But I was gonna nominate Leela!

Leela: I accept! All in favor, say "I"...never mind, just raise your hand.

Everyone raises their hand.

Leela: Good. Now as your new leader, I shall make a few new rules. First of all, I will not tolerate anyone plotting against Fry. Second...well, that's it.

Fry sighs in relief.

Leela: Now listen up, we've been through many rough situations in our lives, but this is the ultimate test. In the end, we've always come through, paddle or no paddle. I see no reason to change that policy now. I promise you all that we will get out of this situation and survive to see another day!

Fry: So what's your plan Leela?

Leela is hesitant.

Leela: I have no idea!


Hours later, the ship is still charting an unknown course through the vastness of space.

Bender: I could really go for a beer now.

Hermes: I'm so bored.

Amy: Great, now we've got three problems. Surviving, getting out of here alive...

She angrily glares at Fry.

Amy: ...and warding off the Specter of Doom!!!

Fry: Why are you guys being so hostile to me? What the heck did I do?!

Hermes: You got us into this mess! And we're gonna die because of you!

Fry: Whoa! Take it easy! No need to raise your voice! It's not my fault we're lost in space!

Everyone looks shocked, except Leela.

Leela: It's true everyone. I was the one who was piloting the ship at the time of the meteor shower. If only I had seen it coming.

Bender: But Fry was the one who rented this deathtrap! If we were on that cruise ship, this wouldn't have happened!

Fry: I'm sorry everyone. I just wanted to have some fun with my friends.

Bender: You call this fun?

Zoidberg: How? By getting us lost in space?!

Fry: By trying to keep a positive attitude! You might do that yourself, instead of complaining all the time!

Bender: We're doomed! Doomed I tell you!

Fry: Bender, you're a robot. You'll live longer than anyone else ever will.

Bender punches his arms upward.

Bender: Yes! Everybody can bite my shiny metal ass!

Leela: Will everyone please stop blaming Fry for this mess? I'm trying to decide our next move.

Zoidberg: So what's the plan?

Leela: I'll tell you as soon as I figure out what the hell it is.

Fry: It's obvious! The first thing we should do is send out a distress signal!

Bender: You know what else is obvious! You're an idiot!

Fry: What's with all the insults?

Amy: Fry, we're mad at you! Remember?! I can't believe you used to be my boyfriend!

Farnsworth: You should have stayed in the twentieth century!

Leela: Wait! That's it! A distress signal! Fry, you're a genious!

She stands before the cockpit and pushes a button. She hears nothing but static.

Leela: Now I just need to get a signal!

She turns the dial, adjusting the frequency.

Suddenly, she hears a voice.

Voice: Hello? Who's there?

Leela recognizes the voice.

Leela: Zapp?

Zapp: Leela? I knew you'd come back to me!

Leela: Zapp, I don't like you, even though you like me, but I'm lost out here in space with my friends and co-workers. Normally I wouldn't ask for your help, but my friends are giving me anxious looks. Please, come rescue us!

Zapp: Just give me the co-ordinates and I'll be on my way!


A few hours later, the Nimbus arrives and salvages the ferry.

Zoidberg: Hurray! Now I won't be eaten!

Leela: Zoidberg, nobody was going to eat you!

Amy: Now I can see Kif!

Fry: We're homefree!

Farnsworth: No thanks to you Fry!

Fry: But sending out a distress signal was my idea!

Leela: He's right professor! We should all be thankful!

Farnsworth: Thankful?! Do you even realize what could have happened to us?! And you want us to thank him?!

Leela: Look everybody, we're safe and in one piece. That's all that matters.

Farnsworth: You're right Leela. Fry, thank you.

Fry: You're welcome.

Farnsworth: I mean thank you for making this the worst day of our lives!

Fry: Come on everybody, be reasonable! Sure, the trip didn't go as well as I planned, but hey, don't hold that against me.

Farnsworth: Well we are going to hold it against you! Ever since you came to Planet Express, you've caused nothing but trouble for all of us! But this is the last straw! As soon as we get back to Planet Express, we expect you to clear out your locker!

Fry: Huh?

Farnsworth: Then let me explain in a way your puny mind can understand. You're fired!!!

Fry: You can't fire me because of the way this trip went!

Farnsworth: I just did! All in favour, raise your hand and say "I"!

All (except Leela and Fry): I!

Amy: Leela, put your hand up!

Leela: I'm sorry, but I can't. It wouldn't be right. I'm staying with my friend Fry.

Fry: Thanks Leela. At least you're still on my side.

Farnsworth: So that's the way it's gonna be? Well fine! Leela, you're fired too!

Leela: What?!

Hermes: Fry, we will never forgive you for this!

Bender: Bite my shiny metal ass meatbag!

Zoidberg: Good-bye!

Amy: And you'd better take good care of Leela, Fry, because as of now, she's the only friend you've got!

The others leave the room, leaving Fry and Leela to themselves.

Fry takes off his captain's hat and lowers his head in shame. Leela looks on at him.

Leela: I guess you can't call this ship the "Friendship" any more.


Later, at Planet Express, Fry and Leela are emptying their lockers, placing the contents into separate boxes.

Fry: Boy, I never thought it would come down to this.

Leela: Fry, it's not your fault.

Fry: All I wanted to do was have a little adventure with my friends. Not only has it cost me my job, but now my friends hate my guts! They'll probably never speak to me again!

Leela: Sure they will. Just not in a friendly manner.


Outside the building, the others are tossing Fry related objects, such as pictures, his Holophonor records, and even his locker onto the pile of stuff found on the side of the highway that he won the previous evening. Then, they set the pile on fire.

Farnsworth: From now on, nobody here is allowed to use the term "fry". Anybody who does will be fired! Are we agreed?

All: Agreed.

Bender: But what if I have to use that term when I'm cooking?

Farnsworth: Just use "cook".

Bender: Right.


Fry is forced to spend the night in Leela's apartment. He can still see the large column of smoke coming from the burning pile. He continues to watch as he undresses and prepares for bed.

As he climbs into bed with Leela, he still can't think about nothing but his former friends.

Leela: Cheer up, Fry. I'm sure you'll feel better tomorrow.

Fry: You're right Leela. My friends can't possibly stay mad at me forever. I mean, how long can they hold a grudge?


Fry: It was awfully nice of you to bring me a cup of coffee, Amy.

Amy: You're welcome.

Fry slurps up the coffee.

Fry: Mmmm, could use some cream and sug...

Suddenly, he falls to the floor, gasping.

Fry: Amy, what did you do to my coffee?!

Amy: I poisoned you. And you deserve it! It's what you get for taking us on such a lousy vacation!

Farnsworth, Zoidberg, and Hermes enter, carrying a block of stone.

Farnsworth: Great job Amy!

Fry (still gasping): What's that?!

Zoidberg: A tombstone.

Hermes: We've been saving it since the day you took us out on that deathtrap.

Fry: You guys are still mad at me?! I can't believe you did this!

Zoidberg and Hermes cover his body with a cloth.


Suddenly, Fry sits up. He was in bed, Leela beside him.

Fry: Phew, it was all just a bad dream. That's it! I'm getting my friends back! One way or another!


The following afternoon, the Planet Express crew are gathered around the table in the meeting room, except for Leela and Fry.

Farnsworth: With you know who gone, there will be no further problems here at Planet Express.

Hermes: But professor, you fired Leela as well! Who's going to fly the ship now?

Farnsworth is hesitant.

Amy: Professor, I've flown the ship before. Can I have Leela's job?

Farnsworth: You've only flown the ship twice! Once to rescue Leela and the other guy on the moon, and to board the Nimbus to see Kif! But still, you have the experience, so, you're hired!

Suddenly, the door opens. In comes Leela.

Farnsworth: Leela? What are you doing here?! I fired you, remember?!

Fry comes in behind her.

Farnsworth: You again?! I told you never to show your face in our lives ever again!

Fry: Sorry professor. And sorry everybody.

Amy puts her index fingers in her ears.

Amy: Blah blah blah!

Bender: I can't hear you whoever you are!

Hermes puts his hand forth.

Hermes: Talk to the hand! Talk to the hand!

Leela: Shut up and hear him out!

Farnsworth: Give us one good reason why we should listen to that walking testament to catastrophe!

Leela: I'll give you a good reason!

She draws her laser pistol.

Farnsworth: Good answer.

Leela turns her head to Fry.

Leela: Go ahead Fry.

Fry steps forth.

Fry: Listen everyone, I just want to apologize for the way our last trip went. I'm sorry.

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out an envelope.

Fry: So that's why I'm taking you all out on a real vacation! I made the reservations and bought the tickets! And best of all, first class!

Everyone awes in delight.

Leela hoisters her weapon.

Farnsworth: Fry, Leela, you're hired again! Fry, we retract our statements to you yesterday. Welcome back!


Later, everyone is on board a fancy luxury cruise ship in outer space. Zoidberg pigged out at the seafood buffet. Amy went to the spa. Fry, Leela, Hermes, and Labaraba go swimming while the professor lay on a folding chair.

As Fry climbs out of the pool, Bender hands him a towel, which he uses to dry off.

Fry: So tell me Bender, how are you enjoying yourself.

Bender: I'm having alot of fun! I've already pickpocketed two tourists!

Amy, dressed in a pink bikini, appears. She dives into the pool.

Bender: Fry, I'm sorry to tell you this, but earlier yesterday before I went to bed, I locked the door to the closet and kicked it under the door.

Fry: Great. Now how will I get back in?

Bender: Leave it to me meatbag! I got a set of lockpicks!

Fry: Good old Bender.

The rest of their cruise went by without any catastrophes. There were no black holes or no meteor showers. Only prosperity.

 

The End

Buddies