Fan Fiction

Yet Another Damn Futurama Outtake Reel
By Mtvcdm

Dick Clark: Welcome to another damn Futurama outtake reel. I hate hosting these damn things. Please let me die. I've been in this jar going on a full millennium now. Here's your host, Aaron Allermann.

Aaron: Remind me to shoot Dick.

Clark: Promise?

Aaron: Welcome to the gazillionth outtake reel done around here. I figured I might as well do one. Now, for this to get on The Leela Zone, we need Leela out here. Bruno? (An insanely large, muscular man tosses a bound-and-gagged Leela out on stage. She lands head-first. I take off the gag.)

Leela: You know, I would have done this if you would have just asked! You didn't need to barge into my apartment with that thing!

Aaron: Leela, everybody! Isn't she great? We'll begin… at the beginning. Space Pilot 3000. As you recall, Fry was frozen after a party favor backlashed on him. It was successful after about Take 15. Most of them were taken up by positioning the chair so the party favor would tip him over, but then there was Take 4… (The screen does a little 'Season 1' graphic to some music I had Gort link to the script at the word here. If you're reading past this, you really shouldn't. Come on, go back to the word here! Now! NOW, I TELLS YA!)


David Cohen: Space Pilot 3000, take 4. Action.

Fry: Here's to another lousy millennium. (Blows party favor, tips over. Nibbler is flattened by the chair.)

Cohen: Cut. Nibbler, you don't have to be that close to cast a shadow. (Nibbler eats several cameramen in anger.)

Leela: Do you know how much severance pay there was?

Aaron: Firings?

Leela: Head from neck, leg from torso, elbow from hand…

Aaron: Ah. Then near the end…

Leela: The escape from authorities, via fireworks display. Don't remind me.

Aaron: Too bad.


Nixon: Fire! Fire! (The cops fire. They hit dead on with the first shot.)

Human cop: I can't see nuthin! (crash) Oop, now I do.


Crew: Whoawhoawhoa…

Fry: Hey, Leela! Look at that firework!

Leela: Where? (The ship runs into another firework. Crash.)


Crew: Whoawhoa…

Pilot of another ship: Race ya. (The exhaust from the ship clouds Leela's view. They turn around and run smack into the Planet Express building.)

Leela: Any chance of the insurance paying off?

Leela: The opening credits only had to be done once. But yikes, it was hard pulling it off.


(Leela, on her way to the billboard, runs into the Slurm truck. Middle fingers and gunshots are exchanged.)


(Leela crashes into the billboard. Starting a 7-ship pileup.)


(Leela misses the billboard entirely, instead going to Burger Dictator.)

Leela: Hey. Lunch time. Double cheeselikeburger.


(No Leela. Camera pans back to find her reading signs.)

Leela: Roses are red… (drives up a little) Violets are blue… (drives up a little more) The American Grammar Council… (drives a bit more) Be movin' to Sain Lou.

Aaron: That it from that episode?

Leela: Yes.

Aaron: Damn.

Leela: Most of our episodes run too long to fit into our timeslot, so some footage gets left on the cutting room floor. Like this example from I, Roomate

Calculon: To reiterate, my terrible secret is—(static)

All: Awwww!

Fry: It's out again.

Bender: What? That's the last straw. (leaves, picture)

Fry: It's back on! (screen fades slightly, to signal outtake)

Monique: I'm sorry. I had oil in my ears. What was that?

Calculon: Last time I'll say it. My terrible secret is—(static)

Leela: ON, you stupid thing!

Amy: This is why you don't buy Zenith.

Leela: And a long one from A Fishful Of Dollars

Fry: Who are you?

Walt: I'm Mr. Panucci. (fade)

Fry: No, you are not. Mr. Panucci is Italian, fatter, had a slight Italian accent, was bald, wore a tank top, didn't have that stupid hat, had chest hair, and his face was horrifically different from yours. About the only thing you and Panucci have in common is that you're human males.

Walt: I was working out.

Fry: Oh. (unfade) Did you grow a mustache since last night?

Walt (rip) No. Now go work the currency register. I think I hear a customer coming…. I SAID I THINK I HEAR A CUSTOMER COMING! (fade)

Fry: And the building's worse. Nixon was not running for President. He was dead for 6 years. That '68' and this '2000' calendar don't match. The menu only has 3 items- pizza, soda, anchovies. When I know we offered breadsticks. There were tables. There were chairs. We had WINDOWMMMMPHH! (Walt shoves a cloth loaded with chloroform in Fry's face. Unfade and fast forward.)

Fry: Hey, look. Anchovies.

Walt: Of course. They're not extinct yet. (fade)

Fry: Yet? (pause) Wait a minute…

Walt: rrrrrrr. (Shoves another cloth full of chloroform in Fry's face. Unfade. Fast forward.)

Fry: Wait a minute. You're Pamela Anderson! (fade) …What happened to your neck? And shouldn't you be in a bikini?

Igner: I have one on. Look. (Igner removes 'dress', showing it's Pam's head on his head and body.)

Walt: Come ON! I'm almost outta chloroform. (Dumps bottle on cloth, only to find it's empty.) I AM out! (Fry runs off. Walt, Larry and Igner hop in the car and drive-by tranquilize Fry. They then hog-tie him to the car and haul him back.)

Aaron: We'll be right back after this word.

Leela: Desktop.

Aaron: And we're back. Season 2. A black hole sinks the Titanic, alien invasions, and other crap I don't wanna talk about.

Leela: The Titanic was the most expensive prop we've used to date. The extras didn't make it any easier on us. One guy in First Class demanded a wine cellar for a room we never put a camera in. Then there was that 'punitive damages and mental anguish' suit from the family the Countess fell on. How they were able to emerge from a black hole, just to pin a lawsuit on us, is beyond me.

Aaron: Welcome to the new American Dream, Leela. All this adds up to the most expensive retake ever. (A 'Seaon 2' graphic appears on screen with a different set of music I had Gort put in.)


Countess: You'll share your love again. After all, it's sharewaaaaaaAAAAAAAAA….

All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—(black hole sucks entire escape pod in)

Producer: Okay, get 'em out of there, and let's try it again.

Cameraman: How do you get stuff out of a black hole? Series over, man, let's go home.

Producer: We got an entire season to shoot, and if we don't have a cast, it's MY ass. And I'm taking you with me. I don't care how you do it, just get them out.

Leela: We finally had to cram the black hole with so many non-essential crew members that we got crowded out.

Aaron: But, wouldn't that increase the mass of the black hole and just create more gravity? (Leela starts floating up and grabs to the podium for dear life.)

Aaron: Whoops. We'll be right back.

Announcer: Coming up next on ABC, it's everyone's favorite gameshow!

Host: No, that's incorrect. Our gaffer's middle name is Clyde.

Contestant: Oh, God, please, nooooooo—(The contestant's chair heats up to 9 million degrees, and incinerates the contestant to a crisp. Laugh track.)

Audience: Answer… Or… Die! (Another clip shows a contestant dangling naked by one toe over a vat of venomous snakes.)

Host: Time for the Bonus Round!

Announcer (and while he's talking, a very short clip of a player getting diced by helicopter blades): Answer Or Die, coming up next on ABC. (Doo DOO do do.) (If you've seen ABC commercials, you've heard the music that goes with.)

Aaron: Welcome back. Mars University was set in… well, look. If you don't know where it was set, go find a baseball bat. Aluminum. Beat yourself upside the head with it. Repeat.

Leela (with boots firmly strapped to floor): Let's play the clip.

Aaron: Very articulate.

Leela: Strategy.

Aaron (in Al Gore voice): Lockbox.

Fry: Read it and weep. I'm a certified college dropout. (fade)

Leela: You went to a college set in an amusement park. How did you drop out?

Fry: Well… (flashback to Coney Island College ride)

Fry (to other rider): So how's the football program?

Rider: We play Epcot Tech in 2 weeks. They got a good linebacker. He stopped up all the men's rooms with one well-placed— (A cartoon atom pops out of the wall on a spring.)

Atom (in recorded voice): Hi! I'm Alvin the Amazing Atom! Welcome to the POWER-ful world of physics! Ha ha ha! Here at Coney Island Community College, we have the greatest physics program of any college in this park! I hope you've enjoyed your stay in the POWER-ful world of physics! Ha ha ha! Bye!

Fry: That blew! (unbuckles seat belt and goes after Alvin, who has already retreated into the wall. Fry accidentally crosses a wire or two, which happen to be the controls for the ride car's speed. The car, holding the other people, goes at about 2 billion miles an hour.)

Puppet: Welcome to Matty the Mathematician's Abode of Algebra! In this course, you will be just swell in—(The car crashes through the Abode. Matty goes flying.) He he! That tickles! (The car eventually crashes into the East River. Matty lands in the car.) If a ride car goes at 2 billion miles per hour and crashes into the East River, how many lawsuits will there be?

Aaron: Don't see how that didn't get in. Especially since I wrote it—

Leela: Exactly.

Aaron: Moving on - quickly - watching a TV show within a TV show is pretty pathetic, but that's what people see in several instances. In When Aliens Attack, several shows were considered for the parody, but as you know, Ally McBeal won. Here were a few of the losers.


Fry: Yaaanvcjdvskjkjajafukjkkestevacorivisp! (Translation: We reveal the ingredient!) (pulls back a blanket, revealing a food item.) Duokteva… (Today's theme is…) Chewed-on pens. (Chewed-on pens.)


(Bender, dressed as Penguin, throws a chair at Hermes, dressed as Robin.)


(Then he chokes Fry, dressed as Batman.)


(Fry punches Bender in the face.)


(Then Leela, dressed as Batgirl, punches Amy, dressed as Catwoman.)



(Bender throws a chair at Hermes and chokes Fry.)

Leela, Amy, Zoidberg, Professor (chanting): Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!


(Bender throws a chair at Hermes and chokes Fry.)

Leela, Amy, Zoidberg, Professor (chanting): Bobby! Bobby! Bobby!

Leela: We had a lot of parties in one scene from A Head In The Polls. Some we had to jettison. (Someone bursts through the doors.) Jettison, not Jetson.

George Jetson: Come on, let me have this one. I haven't had work in decades. I had to kill Mr. Spacely just so my family could eat.

Aaron: Security.

Jetson (being dragged off): Burn in hell, Futurama!

Leela: Smack him up a little for me. Anyway, to those parties…


Booth runner: Donations! We need jacuzzis to get elected! We'll even take- ugh- BRAND-NAME caviar! (Fry walks by.)

Fry: I'll take a chicken sandwich.

Booth runner: Would you like fries with that, sir?


Aaron: I'm sorry, we can't show that one. Seems it was taken from the final product because of decency laws set by the FCC. (maddening crowd) Fine, fine.

Booth runner (to Amy): Take it off!

Amy: Okay. (begins to unzip sweatsuit—and it's interrupted for this screen (stupid smiley faces, didn't mean to make one)

Screen: 'WELL be right back' (the words are being lifted from a well)

Aaron: Told you.


Leela: So what's your view on the death penalty?

Booth runner: Death? Is that where you go to sleep for a long time?

Leela: Um, yes. A very long time. Okay, how about nuclear weapons?

Booth runner: Can't see them.

Leela: Not nu clear weap—what's 2 plus 2?

Booth runner: From. (Leela backs slowly away.)


(I cannot improve on the real Reform Silly Party, so we'll just refer you to their website)

Aaron: Xmas Story. A warm fire. Amy hanging ornaments. Linda going on about drowning puppies.

Leela: It's all yours on one amazing CD, for only $19.95!

Aaron: Plus shipping and handling! No, seriously, you saw quite a few of us take a fall—

Leela: Us? You haven't been in an episode yet, and I escaped unharmed.

Aaron: Whatever, you know what I mean. We had a few other ways for people and aliens to hurt themselves, as in this Amy outtake.

Instructor: My name's Chip. I'll be your instructor. This class is twofold: Watch me do something, then do it yourself. (We cut to Amy, who's being instructed along with several other people) Watch me. (Chip swoops gracefully down to just before where the mountain gets insanely steep, at about an 89 degree angle) You in the orange ski suit. (points at Amy) You go first.

Amy: Okay. (skis down to just above Chip, winks at him indicating the obvious, doesn't notice she's about to take a decent-size tumble, tumbles. Amy hits a few horizontal trees on the way down.)

Amy (while falling): Trees down.

Computer: Trees down. (The trees unlatch from the mountain and fall. Amy lands face-first on a stack of tree trunks at the bottom. Then nailed by the trees falling from above.)

Amy: Trees up.

Computer: Trees up. (They all go up together, sending Amy a good way up. As they latch into their original positions, the ones below Amy eventually run out, and down she falls again. She lands on Hermes, or at least his bobsled.)

Amy: Ow.

Leela: After Christmas break, we headed to the gym, where we began Why Must I Be A Crustacean In Love? The frenzy outtakes - look, you aren't allowed to see the Keg Party outtake. We'd be hung from the highest tree in New York if we showed you the frenzy outtakes.

Aaron: So we'll just show you nice, clean gym outtakes. Hear that, FCC? Nice and clean.

Aaron, Leela (chanting): Nice and clean. Nice and clean…

Man in audience: Woo hoo! Steam room!

Leela: …Um.

Aaron: Yes. Um.

Leela: Moving on…

Aaron: We do have one other clip…


Aaron: Here's what did happen…

Fry: Hey Leela. Look who's the super stud.

Leela: Hmmm. Somebody must have turned down the gravity. I'll fix it for you. (turns knob. Weight falls. Fry chokes.)

Aaron: And before that…

Leela: I'll fix it for you. (turns knob, weight falls, Fry's head comes off.)

Cohen: Cut. That's next episode.

Fry's head: Sorry. I got ahead of myself.

Bender (holding head): No. I got a head of yourself.

Leela: Another insanely long episode name followed with Put Your Head On My Shoulder.

Aaron: But we don't have clips from that episode.

Leela: Lesser Of Two Evils?

Aaron: Sure, but we'll see them after this commercial break.

Announcer: This Tuesday, 68,712 ordinary Green Bay, Wisconsinites embark on a journey to southern California to find which of the other 29,077 murdered a visitor from Maryland. Despite the fact that there are no clues there. We hid them all back in Green Bay. The murder will shock you until the billionth time we show it to you, before the game technically starts. The people will get totally confused as to who's a fellow player, who's a suspect, who's the victim among all those stabbed to death on the curb, and who isn't even participating. The suspect/victim scorecards you can print out on our website could destroy several rainforests per copy. And if we, the producers, lose track, the game has to start all over again, with a different set of 68,712 Green Bay, Wisconsinites. This game will never end. For the next 68,711 weeks or until all of them die off or nobody cares anymore, whichever occurs last…

Murder in Large, Gaping, Smog-Filled Metropolis LA. The merchandise (beginning with a T-shirt depicting all 97, 790 people) rolls out 2 weeks ago.

Aaron: Flexo, who looks and talks just like Bender, except Flexo's got a beard, made his debut in Lesser Of Two Evils. Which he turned out to be.

Leela: It caused a bit of confusion.

Aaron: But didn't we already se that in the episode?

Leela: (pause) (attacks Aaron) Damn you! You just ruined another episode's worth of clips! Do you realize how much effort we put into screwing up, just so we could have this show?!

Aaron: Uh, what?

Leela: Tell you what. We've already got Millionaire preempted. We'll come back some other night with the remainder of season 2, plus Season 3. (closing music from This Week In Baseball starts playing- watch Fox on Saturday mornings to see it) For everyone here at Yet Another Damn Futurama Outtake Reel, I'm Toronga Leela.

Aaron: I'm Aaron Allermann. Where were we, Leela?

Leela: I had my boot implanted in your ear like this…

Aaron: And I think I was just about to punch you in the eyeball… (Aaron and Leela start fighting again, as the credits roll) Mel!

Mel Allen: Bye, everybody. See you next week on This Week in Baseball.

Aaron: Not that, get me that lead pipe ever there. I'm gonna beat Leela's brains in with it.

Mel: How 'bout that!