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It was a hot summer Thursday afternoon in New New York. At Planet
Express, the air conditioner had broke down, so much of the crew had
taken off their shirts to cool off.
Fry sat in the Meeting Room, drinking a can of slurm. Bender was
watching television. Zoidberg was in his clinic. Farnsworth was
trying to fix the air conditioner. Hermes was in his office.
In the next room, Fry could hear Amy and Leela wrestling again
(first time in Jurassic Bark).
Bender comes into the Meeting Room.
"A big storm is coming up tonight," he said.
"Bender, what are you doing watching the weather network?"
asked Fry.
"Had to," said Bender. "The power cell in the
remote control died out, and I don't know how to change the channel."
(Someone offscreen performs a drumroll and a rimshot)
"That was yet another easy win for me," said Leela as
she and Amy walked in.
"What made you so sure I would lose again?" asked Amy.
"When we last fought, Amy, you never threw so much as a
single punch."
"Do you girls know where the professor is?" asked
Bender. "I need to borrow a power cell from him to replace the
dead one in the remote controller."
"Neither a borrower or a lender be," said Zoidberg as he
entered the Meeting Room. "Shakesphere said that."
Shut up Zoidberg!" said Bender. "The whole world is
saying that!" (Another drumroll and rimshot)
Zoidberg groans.
"He's down in the basement with Scruffy trying to fix the air
conditioner," said Fry. "But it doesn't matter how hot or
cold it gets in here. No matter what the temperature in the room is,
it's always room temperature!"
(Another drumroll and rimshot as Fry chuckles)
"Who keeps doing that?" Bender asked.
"I need a shower," said Amy as she walked out.
Just then, Zapp Brannigan's picture appeared on the large monitor
overlooking the room.
"Hello Leela," he said.
"Oh brother," said Leela, "not you again Zapp! How
many times do I have to tell you, stop calling me!"
"Yeah leave her alone," said Fry. "She's with me!"
"Leela, is this true?" asked Zapp.
"That's right!" said Leela as she held Fry's hand.
"We're together!"
Fry chuckled. "She knows a real man when she sees one!"
"Is that so?" asked Zapp. "Then she should come see
me perform at the DOOP Decathlon tomorrow night! I'm the current
champion! Every year, some fool challenges me, only to be beaten and
humiliated! Are you up for the challenge, Fry?"
"Fry, if you want to beat Zapp," said Leela, "beat
his ass at the Decathlon!"
"That's right Zapp!" said Fry. "I'm gonna beat your
ass at the Decathlon!"
"You're gonna beat me? At the Decathlon?! Ha! You're on! The
day when a shrimp like you can beat Zapp Brannigan will be the day I
take up ballet!"
Zapp's picture fades off the monitor.
"You sure you know what you're doing Fry?" asked
Zoidberg.
"Of course I'm sure!" said Fry. "Back in the
twentieth century, I've participated in a few sports at school, and I
did win a few medals and trophies. I think I've got a good chance."
"Well, good luck" said Zoidberg. "We'll be in the
audience cheering you on."
"And I'll be on the sidelines," said Leela.
The following evening, Fry was in the locker room of New New York
Stadium with his co-workers.
"Here Fry," said Hermes as he and the others presented a
white shirt and shorts to Fry, "we bought you this uniform to
wear."
"Thanks," said Fry as he took it. "I'm gonna put it
on now!"
"Fry, don't bother yet," said Amy, "the first event
in the DOOP Decathlon is Swimming."
"Which is why we also bought you this white swimsuit,"
said Bender as he gave it to Fry.
"We gotta spend big to make you look good," said
Zoidberg.
"Glad you feel that way Zoidberg," said Bender. "Cause
we took it out of your salary!"
Zoidberg groans.
"According to this schedule," said Leela, "the ten
events in the DOOP Decathlon are: swimming, weight lifting, shot
putt, pole vaulting, discus, javelin, fencing, hurdles, hammer throw,
and tag team wrestling."
"Good luck Meatbag!" said Bender.
Soon, all the seats in the stadium were filled up with spectators
and sports fans.
Linda's voice was heard over speakers.
"Good evening New New Yorkers and welcome to the Annual DOOP
Decathlon, broadcast all over the world. Here with me is Morbo!"
"Pathetic humans, one day, I Morbo will destroy you all!"
"Ahem!"
"Sorry. Anyways, the two participants in this year's events
are the reigning champion Zapp Brannigan, and the challenger, Phillip
J. Fry!"
The spectators cheer.
Zapp and Fry meet on the field and wave to the fans. Kif and Leela
stand on the sidelines.
"Hello all my adoring fans," said Zapp.
The audience cheers while the girls go wild.
"They can hear you?" asked Fry.
"Sure," said Zapp. "Anything the athletes say is
heard by the spectators due to hidden microphones. That way, the
participants can't say anything to insult the fans. Even whispers can
be heard."
Fry got an idea.
"Hello to all my fans!" he said.
Only his co-workers cheer and applaud. Everyone else remains
quiet.
"I'm sure that wherever my father is," said Zapp. "He's
somewhere above looking down on me and smiling. Oh wait, there he is
up there!"
In the audience, an elderly man with wrinkly skin gave Zapp a
thumbs-up.
"And now folks," Linda's voice said, "let the games
begin!"
The spectators cheer.
Zapp and Fry meet by the pool in their swimming trunks. Fry is
wearing the white swimsuit his co-workers bought him, while Zapp is
wearing blue.
The referee, who looks like an exact copy of Kif with black and
white striped skin, stands nearby.
"Now," he says, "when I say go..."
Fry and Zapp jump into the pool and start swimming to the opposite
side, which is one-hundred feet away.
"Wow look at them go," said Linda.
"Well Linda," said Morbo, "it's really amazing how
fast swimmers go when you put sharks in the pool!"
Hearing this, Zapp and Fry began to swim even faster.
Morbo chuckles. "Works everytime!"
Zapp reaches the end of the pool first and climbs out. Fry climbs
out a few seconds later.
"And the winner is Zapp Brannigan!" said the referee.
The spectators cheer, except for Fry's co-workers.
"The next event is weight lifting," said Linda. "Here
come the participants."
Zapp and Fry show up in their uniforms. Fry is wearing the white
uniform that his co-workers bought him. Zapp is wearing green.
Fry and Zapp bend over and clutch the dumbells. They begin to
grunt and groan as they attempt to lift them.
Zapp lifts his dumbell off the ground. Fry however finds his to be
too heavy.
Zapp lifts the dumbell up above his head. The spectators cheer.
"Nobody humiliates my best friend like that!" said
Bender. He outstretches his arm and yanks down Zapp's shorts,
exposing his rear end.
Unfortunately, for Bender, this delights the girls in the
audience. Even more unfortunate, the judges for this event are all
young women. They give Zapp a perfect "10", except for the
Amazonian woman at the end, whose scoreboard reads "Me want
Snu-Snu!"
Finally, Fry stands up, without ever lifting his dumbell.
"And the winner is Zapp Brannigan," said the referee.
The crowd goes wild again.
"The next event is the shot putt," said Linda. "The
performance by Zapp Brannigan is outstanding this year."
"As always," said Morbo.
Zapp and Fry stand on the field. Next to them is a small but heavy
metal ball.
Zapp picks his up and throws it as hard as he can.
"What a throw by Zapp Brannigan!" said Linda. "However,
it's heading right for me and Morbo!"
Linda and Morbo duck as the ball smashes through the window.
Linda and Morbo rise and are seated again.
"You're paying for that Zapp!" said Morbo.
A stadium official issues Zapp a fine.
"Now it's Fry's turn!" said Linda. "Let's see how
he does!"
Fry attempts to pick up the ball, but it's very heavy.
"Fry wait!" said Leela as she comes to his side. "Drink
this!"
She hands him a can of Slurm. Fry opens the can and drinks it up.
He flexes his muscles ala Popeye as Popeye's music after he eats
spinach plays offscreen. Then he picks up the ball and tosses it up.
For a while everyone waits.
"Ha!" laughed Zapp. "You call that a throw?! You're
pitiful!"
"Zapp don't shout," said Fry. "The fans can hear
you!"
"I'm not shouting!" said Zapp. "Alright, I'm
shouting! I'm shouting! I'm shouting! I'm shout...!"
But before Zapp can finish, Fry's ball comes down and hits him on
the head.
He sinks into theground until his head is above the ground.
"Heads up!" Fry shouts with his hands next to his lips.
The spectators laugh as someone offscreen performs a drumroll and
a rimshot.
"And the winner is Phillip J. Fry," said the referee.
Everyone applauds and cheers, Fry's co-workers are the loudest.
As Zapp is pulled out of the ground, Linda makes another
announcement.
"Fry finally wins an event after Zapp's ball was disqualified
after smashing our window. The next event is pole vaulting."
Zapp and Fry both clutch a tall rubber pole. Zapp has the top of
his head wrapped up in bandages.
"My comeback has begun!" said Fry.
He runs forth with his pole first. Then he drives it into the
ground and is sent flying. Unfortunately, he misses the jump, and
falls under the platform onto the ground. The spectators groan.
"My back! My back!" he cries.
"Oh my," said Linda. "He missed it! That has got to
hurt!"
Zapp runs forth with his pole. He drives it into the ground and
flys up. However, his pole snaps into two pieces and he falls down,
smashing onto the ground. The spectators groan some more.
The referee makes an announcement.
"Winner: who cares?!"
"The next event is the discuss," said Morbo.
Everyone in the audience looks puzzled.
"He means Discus," said Linda.
Everyone laughs.
Zapp and Fry meet on the field. Kif approaches, carrying a metal
plate with a cooked chicken.
"Where have you been Kif?" asked Zapp. "I asked you
to get the plate for the Discus!"
"This was all I could find captain," said Kif. "I
found it in the Banquet Hall. The Stadium apparently is underbudget,
so they couldn't afford a discus."
"We'll take the plate Kif," said Zapp. "As for the
chicken, put it on the grass!"
Kif puts the chicken on the grass and gives the plate to Zapp.
"Good luck captain," he said.
"Get out of the way!" said Zapp.
Kif moves out of the way.
"Why are you gonna throw the plate?" asked Fry.
"I'm not going to throw it," said Zapp. "I'm going
to discus it!"
"Me too!" said Fry. "I'm willing to discuss it."
"Not the discuss. It's Discus! I'm going to Discus the
plate!"
"Great!" said Fry. "What are you gonna say about
it?"
The spectators laugh as a drumroll and rimshot is played
offscreen.
"I'm not going to say anything about it," said Zapp.
"I'm going to discus the plate."
"We got plent of time," said Fry. "Can we talk
about the chicken too."
The spectators howl with laughter.
Now Zapp is really annoyed. "I'm not going to talk about the
chicken! I'm going to discus the plate!"
Holding the plate in one hand, Zapp brings his arm back and throws
the plate.
"You see that?" said Zapp. "That's a discus!"
There's a sickening thud across the stadium.
"Ow!" someone cries.
"When I throw a plate," said Zapp, "that's a
discus. But when I talk about how stupid you are, that's a discuss!
You see the difference? One you throw and one you talk. Is that so
hard to figure out?"
"Hey Zapp!" a voice across the stadium shouts. "You
just hit me in the head with this dish!"
"He doesn't want to discus it!" said Fry.
"That's discuss you idiot!" said Zapp as the audience
laughs.
The plate comes back and hits Zapp on the side of his head. "Ow!"
he said.
"Your turn, Fry," said Kif.
Fry picks up the plate, draws his arm back, and releases it.
The plate flies up into the air, but then comes back down like a
boomerang and hits Zapp in the head. He topples forth.
"We should have thrown the chicken," said Kif. "It's
soft!"
The spectators laugh along with the drumroll and rimshot.
"The winner: Phillip J. Fry!" said the referee.
Everyone applauds.
"The Javelin is the next event," said Linda. "Both
Zapp and Fry have won two events. Fry is making quite a comeback."
"No one has ever done so well against the champion,"
said Morbo. "But things may change later."
Fry and Zapp are on the field clutching their spears. Zapp has a
bruise on the head with the discus hit him in the previous event.
Zapp runs forth with his spear, and throws it just as he reaches
the white line. The spears flies up, and smashes a window above.
"Well Kif, how far did it go?" asked Zapp.
"Hard to tell yet," said Kif.
"What do you mean yet?!" Zapp said.
The spears comes flying back and lands near Zapp.
"Oh," said Kif, "looks about two feet now."
"How can it be two feet?!" Zapp said.
He turns around and sees his spear. Attached to it is another
fine.
Fry runs up to the white line with his spear and throws it up. It
sails across the field and lands near the other side.
"Wow!" said Linda, "what a throw! Three hundred and
seven feet!"
Zapp's mouth drops open.
"And winner is Phillip J. Fry," said the referee.
The spectators cheer and applaud.
"I can't believe it!" said Morbo. "The challenger
is winning!"
"If things go well," said Linda, "we may have a new
champion!"
"Anyway," said Morbo, "the next event is Fencing!"
Zapp and Fry stand in a circle, carrying lightsabers. Both are
dressed in their fencing uniforms.
"Now remember," said the referee, "to win, you must
strike your opponent in the soft spot of their armour by any means.
Go!"
Zapp and Fry begin to fence. The lightsabers clash repeatedly. Fry
swings his sword, but Zapp steps back. Then he lunges as Fry, but Fry
steps out of the way.
Zapp swings his sword at Fry, who ducks with his legs split in
opposite directions. Then, with all his might, Fry pulls his fist
back and punches Zapp in the groin.
Zapp doubles over, clutching his groin. The audience groans.
"Ouch!" said Bender. "That's gonna leave a mark!"
As Zapp stands up. "Don't hit me in the crotch."
"The ref said to look for a soft spot," said Fry.
The audience howls with laughter as someone offscreen peforms a
drumroll and rimshot.
The match continues as the swords clash some more. Fry swings his
sword at Zapp's legs, but Zapp jumps up and slashes at Fry, scoring a
successful hit. But Fry pokes Zapp in the groin with his sword.
"I said don't hit me in the crotch!"
The audience laughs some more as the two contestants continue to
fence. Zapp scores another hit against Fry.
Finally, Zapp swings his sword so hard, it knocks Fry's lightsaber
out of his hand.
"Ha!" laughes Zapp. "I got you now!"
But before Zapp can swing his sword, Fry kicks Zapp in the crotch.
Zapp doubles over and collapses, clutching his groin.
Everyone is laughing or applauding.
"And the winner is Phillip J. Fry," said the referee.
"Fry's performance is simply outstanding!" said Linda.
"Let's see how he does in the hurdles."
Zapp and Fry are dressed again in their uniforms and meet on the
track field where hurdles are set up.
Kif stands nearby holding a red flag. At the finish line, stands
Leela, holding a black and white checkered flag.
"Alright Kif, start the race!" said Zapp.
Kif waves the flag, but conks Zapp on the head accidentally. The
race is on.
Zapp and Fry run forth, leaping over the hurdles as they come.
"Look at them go!" said Linda. "Zapp is winning,
but Fry is gaining! This will be quite close!"
Zapp turns around to gaze at Fry. He laughs and leaps over the
next hurdle.
Unfortunately, Zapp doesn't jump far enough and he lands on top of
the hurdle. He groans and topples forth, clutching his crotch as the
spectators groan.
"Folks, this doesn't seem to be Zapp's lucky day," said
Linda. "He's taking quite a physical beating today! I sure hope
the DOOP surgeon isn't planning a party tonight."
Fry crosses the finish line as Leela waves the flag. He and Leela
do a victory dance together.
"Phillip J. Fry wins again!" said the referee.
The spectators cheer and applaud.
"The next event is the hammer throw," said Morbo.
"Hopefully, Zapp will do better this event like in weight
lifting."
The stadium officials give Zapp and Fry a sledgehammer on a chain.
"I'm going first," said Zapp.
He stepped forth, clutching the chain, and began to swing as hard
as he could. Then, he released the chain. Up it flew across the
stadium. There was a loud crash as it smashed into the dome covering
the stadium before coming down. Shards of glass rained down onto the
field.
One of the officials issued Zapp a third fine.
Fry steps forth clutching his chain. Then he beings to slowly
swing it around. But while doing so, the sledgehammer conks Zapp in
the face, knocking him down flat.
"Ouch!" Morbo said, "that has got to hurt!"
Fry finally releases the chain, but it only travels a few feet.
Zapp laughs as he gets up, a large bruise on his face.
"Winner: Zapp Brannigan," said the referee.
The audience applauds.
"Folks, it's time for the final event," said Linda. "tag
team wrestling. Each of the athletes will choose a partner to fight
with them.
Zapp and Fry step into the wrestling ring.
"Fry, since you're in the lead," said the referee, "You
choose your partner first."
"I choose Leela," said Fry.
"Yes!" cheers Leela as she jumps into the ring.
"Fine," said Zapp. "I'll pick Kif!"
"Oh my," said Kif.
Zapp and Fry meet in the center of the ring while Kif and Leela go
to opposite sides outside the arena.
The bell rang and the match was on.
Zapp began with a punch to Fry's stomach, then grabs him by the
legs and smashes him onto the floor.
"Oh my," said Linda, "Zapp is really giving the
fans their money's worth!"
"And giving Fry a few bruises of his own," said Morbo."
Fry gets up and punches at Zapp, but the captain catches his hand.
Laughing, Zapp begins to punch Fry repeated in the face, then drop
kicks him.
"Fry is getting wasted!" said Morbo. "The fans are
going wild! They love the action of the fight!"
Fry quickly gets up. Just as Zapp is about to make his next move,
Fry kicks Zapp in, you guessed it, the groin! As Zapp doubles over,
clutching his crotch, Fry tags Leela. She jumps into the ring as Fry
takes her place.
"Now it's Leela's turn to kick some butt," said Linda.
Leela performs a flying kick that strikes Zapp in the stomach.
Then she uppercuts him in the chin, knocking him down flat.
"Wow!" said Linda. "What a fighter!"
"Not bad," said Morbo, "for a girl with only one
eye!"
Zapp gets up. "I know I'm supposed to fight back," he
said, "but against the woman I love, no way!"
He tags Kif. "Get in there now!"
Kif gulped and jumped into the ring as Zapp took his place outside
the ring.
"Yay!" cheered Amy from her seat. "Go Kif!"
Leela grabs Kif by his legs, lifts him up, and performs a
piledriver, flattening his soft head.
"The crowd is going wild!" said Linda.
"I can't look!" Amy cries as she covers her eyes.
Kif stands and reinflates his head, only to get knocked down with
a swift spinkick from Leela.
"Kif's down!" said Morbo. "Anything can happen
now!"
Leela chuckles and stands over Kif's unconcious body.
"This is too easy," she said as she prepared to strike
again.
Suddenly, Fnog charges into the ring and with a mighty roar, he
smashes a chair over Leela. She collapses onto Kif.
"Sweet vengeance!" Fnog shouts as he raises his fists.
"I still have the will of a warrior! HA HA!"
But then Fry charges up behind him and smashes a chair over him.
Fnog collapses.
"Even sweeter vengeance!" said Fry.
Zapp leaps into the ring.
"My turn!" he said.
"Uh oh," said Fry.
Then suddenly, Fry realizes that he still has some Slurm left. He
chugs it down. Then flexing his muscles ala Popeye, with the Popeye
theme playing offscreen, he charges at Zapp.
"Uh oh," said Zapp.
Fry charges at Zapp and delivers a mighty kick, right into Zapp's
crotch.
Zapp doubles over, clutching his groin and topples forth. Fry pins
him.
The referee counts to three and the bell rings.
"And the winner is: Phillip J. Fry!"
The spectators go wild.
A little later, Fry is standing on the podium labeled "1",
while Zapp stands on the podium labelled "2". Fry is handed
a solid gold trophy with a small model of the Nimbus on top.
Later, everyone meets Fry in the locker room.
"Fry, you were awesome!" said Bender. "You kicked
his ass bigtime!"
"Actually, I kicked his crotch big time!" said Fry.
"That's got to leave a mark."
Zapp and Kif come into the locker room. Zapp looks angry.
"Captain, you did your best," said Kif.
"Well I hope you're happy Fry," said Zapp. "You've
made a mockery out of me! And what do I have to show for my loss?!
These three fines totalling fifteen hundred dollars!"
"You think that's high?" asked Zoidberg. "Have you
seen my dry-cleaning bill? You try hanging around the garbage all day
and see how hard it is to keep your clothes clean!"
Everyone laughs, except Zapp as a drumroll and rimshot is
performed offscreen. Kif is laughing too, until a glare from Zapp
silences him.
"Oh by the way Zapp," said Leela, "how about some
of that ballet?"
Zapp groaned. "Despite my best efforts Fry, you were
pronounced the winner, and now I must make good my boast! Zapp
Brannigan may be many things, but he keeps his word! But remember
Fry, next year will be different!"
He storms off, ignoring the drummer with the cymbals outside.
Later, on board the Nimbus, in his private chamber, Zapp is
wearing a ballet uniform and struggling to dance.
"Laugh it up while you can, Fry! You haven't seen the last of
Zapp Brannigan! I will have my revenge! Ouch, this is killing my
toes!"
The End
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