Futurama

Fan Fiction

Synchronized Olympic Dorks
By Dwayne Anderson

It was a hot summer Thursday afternoon in New New York. At Planet Express, the air conditioner had broke down, so much of the crew had taken off their shirts to cool off.

Fry sat in the Meeting Room, drinking a can of slurm. Bender was watching television. Zoidberg was in his clinic. Farnsworth was trying to fix the air conditioner. Hermes was in his office.

In the next room, Fry could hear Amy and Leela wrestling again (first time in Jurassic Bark).

Bender comes into the Meeting Room.

"A big storm is coming up tonight," he said.

"Bender, what are you doing watching the weather network?" asked Fry.

"Had to," said Bender. "The power cell in the remote control died out, and I don't know how to change the channel."

(Someone offscreen performs a drumroll and a rimshot)

"That was yet another easy win for me," said Leela as she and Amy walked in.

"What made you so sure I would lose again?" asked Amy.

"When we last fought, Amy, you never threw so much as a single punch."

"Do you girls know where the professor is?" asked Bender. "I need to borrow a power cell from him to replace the dead one in the remote controller."

"Neither a borrower or a lender be," said Zoidberg as he entered the Meeting Room. "Shakesphere said that."

Shut up Zoidberg!" said Bender. "The whole world is saying that!" (Another drumroll and rimshot)

Zoidberg groans.

"He's down in the basement with Scruffy trying to fix the air conditioner," said Fry. "But it doesn't matter how hot or cold it gets in here. No matter what the temperature in the room is, it's always room temperature!"

(Another drumroll and rimshot as Fry chuckles)

"Who keeps doing that?" Bender asked.

"I need a shower," said Amy as she walked out.

Just then, Zapp Brannigan's picture appeared on the large monitor overlooking the room.

"Hello Leela," he said.

"Oh brother," said Leela, "not you again Zapp! How many times do I have to tell you, stop calling me!"

"Yeah leave her alone," said Fry. "She's with me!"

"Leela, is this true?" asked Zapp.

"That's right!" said Leela as she held Fry's hand. "We're together!"

Fry chuckled. "She knows a real man when she sees one!"

"Is that so?" asked Zapp. "Then she should come see me perform at the DOOP Decathlon tomorrow night! I'm the current champion! Every year, some fool challenges me, only to be beaten and humiliated! Are you up for the challenge, Fry?"

"Fry, if you want to beat Zapp," said Leela, "beat his ass at the Decathlon!"

"That's right Zapp!" said Fry. "I'm gonna beat your ass at the Decathlon!"

"You're gonna beat me? At the Decathlon?! Ha! You're on! The day when a shrimp like you can beat Zapp Brannigan will be the day I take up ballet!"

Zapp's picture fades off the monitor.

"You sure you know what you're doing Fry?" asked Zoidberg.

"Of course I'm sure!" said Fry. "Back in the twentieth century, I've participated in a few sports at school, and I did win a few medals and trophies. I think I've got a good chance."

"Well, good luck" said Zoidberg. "We'll be in the audience cheering you on."

"And I'll be on the sidelines," said Leela.


The following evening, Fry was in the locker room of New New York Stadium with his co-workers.

"Here Fry," said Hermes as he and the others presented a white shirt and shorts to Fry, "we bought you this uniform to wear."

"Thanks," said Fry as he took it. "I'm gonna put it on now!"

"Fry, don't bother yet," said Amy, "the first event in the DOOP Decathlon is Swimming."

"Which is why we also bought you this white swimsuit," said Bender as he gave it to Fry.

"We gotta spend big to make you look good," said Zoidberg.

"Glad you feel that way Zoidberg," said Bender. "Cause we took it out of your salary!"

Zoidberg groans.

"According to this schedule," said Leela, "the ten events in the DOOP Decathlon are: swimming, weight lifting, shot putt, pole vaulting, discus, javelin, fencing, hurdles, hammer throw, and tag team wrestling."

"Good luck Meatbag!" said Bender.


Soon, all the seats in the stadium were filled up with spectators and sports fans.

Linda's voice was heard over speakers.

"Good evening New New Yorkers and welcome to the Annual DOOP Decathlon, broadcast all over the world. Here with me is Morbo!"

"Pathetic humans, one day, I Morbo will destroy you all!"

"Ahem!"

"Sorry. Anyways, the two participants in this year's events are the reigning champion Zapp Brannigan, and the challenger, Phillip J. Fry!"

The spectators cheer.

Zapp and Fry meet on the field and wave to the fans. Kif and Leela stand on the sidelines.

"Hello all my adoring fans," said Zapp.

The audience cheers while the girls go wild.

"They can hear you?" asked Fry.

"Sure," said Zapp. "Anything the athletes say is heard by the spectators due to hidden microphones. That way, the participants can't say anything to insult the fans. Even whispers can be heard."

Fry got an idea.

"Hello to all my fans!" he said.

Only his co-workers cheer and applaud. Everyone else remains quiet.

"I'm sure that wherever my father is," said Zapp. "He's somewhere above looking down on me and smiling. Oh wait, there he is up there!"

In the audience, an elderly man with wrinkly skin gave Zapp a thumbs-up.

"And now folks," Linda's voice said, "let the games begin!"

The spectators cheer.


Zapp and Fry meet by the pool in their swimming trunks. Fry is wearing the white swimsuit his co-workers bought him, while Zapp is wearing blue.

The referee, who looks like an exact copy of Kif with black and white striped skin, stands nearby.

"Now," he says, "when I say go..."

Fry and Zapp jump into the pool and start swimming to the opposite side, which is one-hundred feet away.

"Wow look at them go," said Linda.

"Well Linda," said Morbo, "it's really amazing how fast swimmers go when you put sharks in the pool!"

Hearing this, Zapp and Fry began to swim even faster.

Morbo chuckles. "Works everytime!"

Zapp reaches the end of the pool first and climbs out. Fry climbs out a few seconds later.

"And the winner is Zapp Brannigan!" said the referee.

The spectators cheer, except for Fry's co-workers.


"The next event is weight lifting," said Linda. "Here come the participants."

Zapp and Fry show up in their uniforms. Fry is wearing the white uniform that his co-workers bought him. Zapp is wearing green.

Fry and Zapp bend over and clutch the dumbells. They begin to grunt and groan as they attempt to lift them.

Zapp lifts his dumbell off the ground. Fry however finds his to be too heavy.

Zapp lifts the dumbell up above his head. The spectators cheer.

"Nobody humiliates my best friend like that!" said Bender. He outstretches his arm and yanks down Zapp's shorts, exposing his rear end.

Unfortunately, for Bender, this delights the girls in the audience. Even more unfortunate, the judges for this event are all young women. They give Zapp a perfect "10", except for the Amazonian woman at the end, whose scoreboard reads "Me want Snu-Snu!"

Finally, Fry stands up, without ever lifting his dumbell.

"And the winner is Zapp Brannigan," said the referee.

The crowd goes wild again.


"The next event is the shot putt," said Linda. "The performance by Zapp Brannigan is outstanding this year."

"As always," said Morbo.

Zapp and Fry stand on the field. Next to them is a small but heavy metal ball.

Zapp picks his up and throws it as hard as he can.

"What a throw by Zapp Brannigan!" said Linda. "However, it's heading right for me and Morbo!"

Linda and Morbo duck as the ball smashes through the window.

Linda and Morbo rise and are seated again.

"You're paying for that Zapp!" said Morbo.

A stadium official issues Zapp a fine.

"Now it's Fry's turn!" said Linda. "Let's see how he does!"

Fry attempts to pick up the ball, but it's very heavy.

"Fry wait!" said Leela as she comes to his side. "Drink this!"

She hands him a can of Slurm. Fry opens the can and drinks it up. He flexes his muscles ala Popeye as Popeye's music after he eats spinach plays offscreen. Then he picks up the ball and tosses it up.

For a while everyone waits.

"Ha!" laughed Zapp. "You call that a throw?! You're pitiful!"

"Zapp don't shout," said Fry. "The fans can hear you!"

"I'm not shouting!" said Zapp. "Alright, I'm shouting! I'm shouting! I'm shouting! I'm shout...!"

But before Zapp can finish, Fry's ball comes down and hits him on the head.

He sinks into theground until his head is above the ground.

"Heads up!" Fry shouts with his hands next to his lips.

The spectators laugh as someone offscreen performs a drumroll and a rimshot.

"And the winner is Phillip J. Fry," said the referee.

Everyone applauds and cheers, Fry's co-workers are the loudest.


As Zapp is pulled out of the ground, Linda makes another announcement.

"Fry finally wins an event after Zapp's ball was disqualified after smashing our window. The next event is pole vaulting."

Zapp and Fry both clutch a tall rubber pole. Zapp has the top of his head wrapped up in bandages.

"My comeback has begun!" said Fry.

He runs forth with his pole first. Then he drives it into the ground and is sent flying. Unfortunately, he misses the jump, and falls under the platform onto the ground. The spectators groan.

"My back! My back!" he cries.

"Oh my," said Linda. "He missed it! That has got to hurt!"

Zapp runs forth with his pole. He drives it into the ground and flys up. However, his pole snaps into two pieces and he falls down, smashing onto the ground. The spectators groan some more.

The referee makes an announcement.

"Winner: who cares?!"


"The next event is the discuss," said Morbo.

Everyone in the audience looks puzzled.

"He means Discus," said Linda.

Everyone laughs.

Zapp and Fry meet on the field. Kif approaches, carrying a metal plate with a cooked chicken.

"Where have you been Kif?" asked Zapp. "I asked you to get the plate for the Discus!"

"This was all I could find captain," said Kif. "I found it in the Banquet Hall. The Stadium apparently is underbudget, so they couldn't afford a discus."

"We'll take the plate Kif," said Zapp. "As for the chicken, put it on the grass!"

Kif puts the chicken on the grass and gives the plate to Zapp.

"Good luck captain," he said.

"Get out of the way!" said Zapp.

Kif moves out of the way.

"Why are you gonna throw the plate?" asked Fry.

"I'm not going to throw it," said Zapp. "I'm going to discus it!"

"Me too!" said Fry. "I'm willing to discuss it."

"Not the discuss. It's Discus! I'm going to Discus the plate!"

"Great!" said Fry. "What are you gonna say about it?"

The spectators laugh as a drumroll and rimshot is played offscreen.

"I'm not going to say anything about it," said Zapp. "I'm going to discus the plate."

"We got plent of time," said Fry. "Can we talk about the chicken too."

The spectators howl with laughter.

Now Zapp is really annoyed. "I'm not going to talk about the chicken! I'm going to discus the plate!"

Holding the plate in one hand, Zapp brings his arm back and throws the plate.

"You see that?" said Zapp. "That's a discus!"

There's a sickening thud across the stadium.

"Ow!" someone cries.

"When I throw a plate," said Zapp, "that's a discus. But when I talk about how stupid you are, that's a discuss! You see the difference? One you throw and one you talk. Is that so hard to figure out?"

"Hey Zapp!" a voice across the stadium shouts. "You just hit me in the head with this dish!"

"He doesn't want to discus it!" said Fry.

"That's discuss you idiot!" said Zapp as the audience laughs.

The plate comes back and hits Zapp on the side of his head. "Ow!" he said.

"Your turn, Fry," said Kif.

Fry picks up the plate, draws his arm back, and releases it.

The plate flies up into the air, but then comes back down like a boomerang and hits Zapp in the head. He topples forth.

"We should have thrown the chicken," said Kif. "It's soft!"

The spectators laugh along with the drumroll and rimshot.

"The winner: Phillip J. Fry!" said the referee.

Everyone applauds.


"The Javelin is the next event," said Linda. "Both Zapp and Fry have won two events. Fry is making quite a comeback."

"No one has ever done so well against the champion," said Morbo. "But things may change later."

Fry and Zapp are on the field clutching their spears. Zapp has a bruise on the head with the discus hit him in the previous event.

Zapp runs forth with his spear, and throws it just as he reaches the white line. The spears flies up, and smashes a window above.

"Well Kif, how far did it go?" asked Zapp.

"Hard to tell yet," said Kif.

"What do you mean yet?!" Zapp said.

The spears comes flying back and lands near Zapp.

"Oh," said Kif, "looks about two feet now."

"How can it be two feet?!" Zapp said.

He turns around and sees his spear. Attached to it is another fine.

Fry runs up to the white line with his spear and throws it up. It sails across the field and lands near the other side.

"Wow!" said Linda, "what a throw! Three hundred and seven feet!"

Zapp's mouth drops open.

"And winner is Phillip J. Fry," said the referee.

The spectators cheer and applaud.


"I can't believe it!" said Morbo. "The challenger is winning!"

"If things go well," said Linda, "we may have a new champion!"

"Anyway," said Morbo, "the next event is Fencing!"

Zapp and Fry stand in a circle, carrying lightsabers. Both are dressed in their fencing uniforms.

"Now remember," said the referee, "to win, you must strike your opponent in the soft spot of their armour by any means. Go!"

Zapp and Fry begin to fence. The lightsabers clash repeatedly. Fry swings his sword, but Zapp steps back. Then he lunges as Fry, but Fry steps out of the way.

Zapp swings his sword at Fry, who ducks with his legs split in opposite directions. Then, with all his might, Fry pulls his fist back and punches Zapp in the groin.

Zapp doubles over, clutching his groin. The audience groans.

"Ouch!" said Bender. "That's gonna leave a mark!"

As Zapp stands up. "Don't hit me in the crotch."

"The ref said to look for a soft spot," said Fry.

The audience howls with laughter as someone offscreen peforms a drumroll and rimshot.

The match continues as the swords clash some more. Fry swings his sword at Zapp's legs, but Zapp jumps up and slashes at Fry, scoring a successful hit. But Fry pokes Zapp in the groin with his sword.

"I said don't hit me in the crotch!"

The audience laughs some more as the two contestants continue to fence. Zapp scores another hit against Fry.

Finally, Zapp swings his sword so hard, it knocks Fry's lightsaber out of his hand.

"Ha!" laughes Zapp. "I got you now!"

But before Zapp can swing his sword, Fry kicks Zapp in the crotch. Zapp doubles over and collapses, clutching his groin.

Everyone is laughing or applauding.

"And the winner is Phillip J. Fry," said the referee.


"Fry's performance is simply outstanding!" said Linda. "Let's see how he does in the hurdles."

Zapp and Fry are dressed again in their uniforms and meet on the track field where hurdles are set up.

Kif stands nearby holding a red flag. At the finish line, stands Leela, holding a black and white checkered flag.

"Alright Kif, start the race!" said Zapp.

Kif waves the flag, but conks Zapp on the head accidentally. The race is on.

Zapp and Fry run forth, leaping over the hurdles as they come.

"Look at them go!" said Linda. "Zapp is winning, but Fry is gaining! This will be quite close!"

Zapp turns around to gaze at Fry. He laughs and leaps over the next hurdle.

Unfortunately, Zapp doesn't jump far enough and he lands on top of the hurdle. He groans and topples forth, clutching his crotch as the spectators groan.

"Folks, this doesn't seem to be Zapp's lucky day," said Linda. "He's taking quite a physical beating today! I sure hope the DOOP surgeon isn't planning a party tonight."

Fry crosses the finish line as Leela waves the flag. He and Leela do a victory dance together.

"Phillip J. Fry wins again!" said the referee.

The spectators cheer and applaud.


"The next event is the hammer throw," said Morbo. "Hopefully, Zapp will do better this event like in weight lifting."

The stadium officials give Zapp and Fry a sledgehammer on a chain.

"I'm going first," said Zapp.

He stepped forth, clutching the chain, and began to swing as hard as he could. Then, he released the chain. Up it flew across the stadium. There was a loud crash as it smashed into the dome covering the stadium before coming down. Shards of glass rained down onto the field.

One of the officials issued Zapp a third fine.

Fry steps forth clutching his chain. Then he beings to slowly swing it around. But while doing so, the sledgehammer conks Zapp in the face, knocking him down flat.

"Ouch!" Morbo said, "that has got to hurt!"

Fry finally releases the chain, but it only travels a few feet.

Zapp laughs as he gets up, a large bruise on his face.

"Winner: Zapp Brannigan," said the referee.

The audience applauds.


"Folks, it's time for the final event," said Linda. "tag team wrestling. Each of the athletes will choose a partner to fight with them.

Zapp and Fry step into the wrestling ring.

"Fry, since you're in the lead," said the referee, "You choose your partner first."

"I choose Leela," said Fry.

"Yes!" cheers Leela as she jumps into the ring.

"Fine," said Zapp. "I'll pick Kif!"

"Oh my," said Kif.

Zapp and Fry meet in the center of the ring while Kif and Leela go to opposite sides outside the arena.

The bell rang and the match was on.

Zapp began with a punch to Fry's stomach, then grabs him by the legs and smashes him onto the floor.

"Oh my," said Linda, "Zapp is really giving the fans their money's worth!"

"And giving Fry a few bruises of his own," said Morbo."

Fry gets up and punches at Zapp, but the captain catches his hand. Laughing, Zapp begins to punch Fry repeated in the face, then drop kicks him.

"Fry is getting wasted!" said Morbo. "The fans are going wild! They love the action of the fight!"

Fry quickly gets up. Just as Zapp is about to make his next move, Fry kicks Zapp in, you guessed it, the groin! As Zapp doubles over, clutching his crotch, Fry tags Leela. She jumps into the ring as Fry takes her place.

"Now it's Leela's turn to kick some butt," said Linda.

Leela performs a flying kick that strikes Zapp in the stomach. Then she uppercuts him in the chin, knocking him down flat.

"Wow!" said Linda. "What a fighter!"

"Not bad," said Morbo, "for a girl with only one eye!"

Zapp gets up. "I know I'm supposed to fight back," he said, "but against the woman I love, no way!"

He tags Kif. "Get in there now!"

Kif gulped and jumped into the ring as Zapp took his place outside the ring.

"Yay!" cheered Amy from her seat. "Go Kif!"

Leela grabs Kif by his legs, lifts him up, and performs a piledriver, flattening his soft head.

"The crowd is going wild!" said Linda.

"I can't look!" Amy cries as she covers her eyes.

Kif stands and reinflates his head, only to get knocked down with a swift spinkick from Leela.

"Kif's down!" said Morbo. "Anything can happen now!"

Leela chuckles and stands over Kif's unconcious body.

"This is too easy," she said as she prepared to strike again.

Suddenly, Fnog charges into the ring and with a mighty roar, he smashes a chair over Leela. She collapses onto Kif.

"Sweet vengeance!" Fnog shouts as he raises his fists. "I still have the will of a warrior! HA HA!"

But then Fry charges up behind him and smashes a chair over him. Fnog collapses.

"Even sweeter vengeance!" said Fry.

Zapp leaps into the ring.

"My turn!" he said.

"Uh oh," said Fry.

Then suddenly, Fry realizes that he still has some Slurm left. He chugs it down. Then flexing his muscles ala Popeye, with the Popeye theme playing offscreen, he charges at Zapp.

"Uh oh," said Zapp.

Fry charges at Zapp and delivers a mighty kick, right into Zapp's crotch.

Zapp doubles over, clutching his groin and topples forth. Fry pins him.

The referee counts to three and the bell rings.

"And the winner is: Phillip J. Fry!"

The spectators go wild.


A little later, Fry is standing on the podium labeled "1", while Zapp stands on the podium labelled "2". Fry is handed a solid gold trophy with a small model of the Nimbus on top.


Later, everyone meets Fry in the locker room.

"Fry, you were awesome!" said Bender. "You kicked his ass bigtime!"

"Actually, I kicked his crotch big time!" said Fry. "That's got to leave a mark."

Zapp and Kif come into the locker room. Zapp looks angry.

"Captain, you did your best," said Kif.

"Well I hope you're happy Fry," said Zapp. "You've made a mockery out of me! And what do I have to show for my loss?! These three fines totalling fifteen hundred dollars!"

"You think that's high?" asked Zoidberg. "Have you seen my dry-cleaning bill? You try hanging around the garbage all day and see how hard it is to keep your clothes clean!"

Everyone laughs, except Zapp as a drumroll and rimshot is performed offscreen. Kif is laughing too, until a glare from Zapp silences him.

"Oh by the way Zapp," said Leela, "how about some of that ballet?"

Zapp groaned. "Despite my best efforts Fry, you were pronounced the winner, and now I must make good my boast! Zapp Brannigan may be many things, but he keeps his word! But remember Fry, next year will be different!"

He storms off, ignoring the drummer with the cymbals outside.


Later, on board the Nimbus, in his private chamber, Zapp is wearing a ballet uniform and struggling to dance.

"Laugh it up while you can, Fry! You haven't seen the last of Zapp Brannigan! I will have my revenge! Ouch, this is killing my toes!"

 

The End

Buddies