Fan Fiction

By Kenneth White

Rating: PG

Futurama is TM & Copyright 2005 by Matt Groening, 20th Century Fox, and The Curiosity Company

Opening Caption: Soon to be ripped off by Family Guy

TV Billboard: Mickey Mouse kicking the piglets away from their mother in "Steamboat Willy".

{It's night time in New New York, and Fry and Bender walk out of Madison Cube Gardens together onto the streets.}

FRY: That was a blast! Thanks for coming with me to the Talking Heads concert, Bender.

BENDER: S'okay, meatbag. I needed to fill in some time anyway. And an alibi is always handy.

FRY: You were committing a crime during the concert?

BENDER: Technically the laptop sitting at home is...

FRY: You've got a laptop?

BENDER: Yep. In the same way that Hermes used to have one.

FRY: Well, still, I appreciate it. And it was a great concert. (pause and then disturbed look) Though I didn't like the opening act before them. Who'd have thought Richard Simmons would be even scarier without a body?

BENDER: (uninterested) I'll take your word for that, Fry. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's ten o'clock, and I have some things to get laundered.

{Bender opens his torso compartment and pulls out a large sack with a dollar sign on it, then taps it twice with an evil chuckle.}

FRY: (confused) Why do you need to do laundry, you don't wear any clothes?

{Bender clears his throat and taps the sack again, right where the dollar sign is.}

FRY: Oh, I get it! In either case, Laundromats cost too much to use. Why don't you just rub ketchup on the clothes and give them to Doctor Zoidberg every Wednesday like I do. You just have to promise him the rest of the bottle and he won't swallow them.

BENDER: (grumbles) Forget it! I'll see you back home in a few hours.

{Bender begins walking away, but stops and turns around again.}

BENDER: Oh, and if anything comes up on the laptop screen about security clearance, just type in 'EISENHOWER' and press enter...

{Bender walks down a few streets, then up to a shady-looking building. He checks around nervously, then knocks on the door three times. As soon as he does, a panel opens up on the wall beside the door, and a robotic arm and hand protrude. The hand sticks out one of its fingers and proceeds to press a doorbell button on the door's frame. The classic "ding-dong" doorbell noise is heard, and another panel, this time on the door, slides across to reveal a slot, where two eyes peek from behind.}

VOICE: (deep, but smooth) What's the password?

BENDER: 11010100101

{The slot slides closed again, and after the sound of unbolting from the inside, the door swings open. Bender walks into the darkness and the door closes behind him.}

BENDER: I got the stuff for you. What's with all the darkness, guys?

{The lights flash on to reveal a bunch of scruffy-looking criminals, both human and robot, fastened to chairs via handcuffs. There are several cops in the room, amongst them Smitty and URL, the latter of whom snaps some laser-cuffs around Bender's wrists, making him drop the sack.}

BENDER: What the--?!

SMITTY: You're under arrest, scuzbot!

URL: (picking up sack) Looks like you came to get some money laundered. Awwwwww yeah.

BENDER: That's not money! That's really clothes. I thought this was a clothing Laundromat!

URL: With a dollar-sign on the bag?

BENDER: They just happen to be in a laundry bag made by Professor Moneybags Clothing-Care Products, that's all.

SMITTY: (poking Bender's chest) Nice try! But everybody knows that the dollar sign on Professor Moneybags Laundry Bags only has a single vertical slash, and not two!

URL: They're made in England. Proper.

{Smitty opens the sack and pulls out a wad of cash, waving it in Bender's face.}

SMITTY: Funny looking clothes you have here!

BENDER: Okay, so I lied... but that money is legit, I tell you!

SMITTY: That may be what you say, but I think the money can speak for itself.

{Smitty takes the band off the cash and the face of Nixon on the top bill speaks instantly.}

NIXON FACE: I'm crooked all right. As crooked as Kennedy's fidelity.

URL: Oh, you're going to go away for a long time for this one. Awwwww yeah.

BENDER: But how did you know?

SMITTY: We got a tip off through an email from somebody named "Marley."

BENDER: (gasp) That lousy, treacherous laptop! I should have known better than to steal electronic equipment from a bureaucrat.

SMITTY: (leading Bender out the door) We'll work out all your crimes once we get to the station.

{Smitty and URL put Bender into the rear dome of their police hover car, then hop in themselves and take to the road. They stop at an intersection on the way, right where the local 7นน store is. There the clerk behind the counter, in his laser-proof suit, is being held at knifepoint by Roberto. Smitty and URL notice and nod at each other, then get out the car.}

SMITTY: (to Bender) We'll be right back, once we've sorted out this mess.

{Inside the store, the clerk is quickly filling a bag up with money from the cash register.}

ROBERTO: That's it! Put it all in there, or I'll stab you! Through your silly laser-proof suit and all. It ain't knife-proof though, is it? It'd be like stabbing these drinking cups...

{He demonstrates by repeatedly stabbing the cardboard stack of large drinking containers on the bench.}

ROBERTO: Haaaa-haaaaah!!

CLERK: (nervously) I'd rather not find out, sir.

ROBERTO: (stops stabbing) I'll bet you wouldn't. Now hurry it up! I want to be able to rob this place again at least twice before sunrise! (pause) And I'll have have a large oil-shake too while I'm waitin'!

CLERK: But you just stabbed all the cups, sir.

ROBERTO: (holding knife up to his face) Don't mess with me, man! I'll kill you!

SMITTY: Freeze! You're under arrest!

{Roberto turns his head to see Smitty and URL with their guns on him. Bender watches from the car, intrigued.}

URL: There's nowhere to go. You might as well just give up, baby.

ROBERTO: Keep away, coppers... or I'll stab him! Don't think I won't do it!

URL: What would your momma say if she saw you doin' that?

ROBERTO: My Mommy?! (suddenly miles away) Mommy? No... keep away from me...

{Roberto drops his knife, looking scared and shaking.}

ROBERTO: (miles away still) Don't do it, mommy! Put the gasoline away! Don't pour it all over me, mommy!


{The two officers suddenly activate their laser-batons and charge Roberto, hitting him repeatedly with them. Bender makes an impressed whistle from inside the car. Another cop car soon arrives to pick up Roberto, and so Smitty and URL return to their patrol car and head off again.}

BENDER: Good job there, officers. Dealing with a robotic fruitcake on the edge takes some skill... I admire that.

SMITTY: It's all part of the job.

BENDER: So, you guys get to shoot at and or beat criminals to near-death without getting in trouble.

URL: Most of the time, yeah.

SMITTY: (to URL) By the way, I'm thinking of buying the new 3005 Aston Martin DS9 next week.

URL: Nice! It'd go nicely in the garage with your Dodge Viper GTA and Lamborghini Murciembargo.

SMITTY: Yep... it'll be sweet!

BENDER: So, you guys make quite a bit as cops, huh?

SMITTY: That's none of your business!

BENDER: So, what are you going to do with me?

SMITTY: We'll toss that money in the evidence locker, then chuck you in a cell.

URL: (to Smitty) That reminds me, I saw a genuine Walter P38 in the old evidence locker this morning. Thought you should know for your collection. Classy.

SMITTY: Sweet! I'll grab it when we head there.

URL: Yeah. It had some purple gang insignia of some kind on it, but I'll bet it'd come off with some meths or something.

BENDER: Wait a minute... you guys can just keep criminal evidence?

URL: If the case is solved... awwwww yeah.

SMITTY: Well, here we are.

{The car pulls up outside the police station, where a marquee outside reads FREE DRUG TESTS FOR FIRST 10 OFFENDERS. Smitty and URL get out, then open Bender's dome.}

BENDER: Wait! This may sound crazy, but how about instead of throwing me in jail, you make me a cop like you guys?

{Smitty and URL look at each other.}

BENDER: I've got contacts in the criminal world. I could help you nab a bunch of guys. Besides... I'm only in the crime game because I'm an outcast of society who has lived a life of poverty that forced me to become what I am, with no outlet to vent my social frustrations.

SMITTY: I dunno...

URL: We'd have to ask the chief...

BENDER: That, and my programming.

URL: Damn. Can't argue with that. A robot's programming is law.

SMITTY: Tell you what... turn up tomorrow at eight in the morning and we'll run you through our police course. If you can pass it in one day, we'll consider you as a cop. If you fail, you'll go straight to jail.

BENDER: I don't know the meaning of the word "fail!" Seriously... a virus attacked my dictionary and thesaurus the other day, and things haven't been the same since.

SMITTY: You're free to go then...

{Smitty undoes the laser-cuffs.}

SMITTY: ...for now!

URL: And you'd better be there tomorrow, or we'll hunt your ass down!

BENDER: Good choice... it's responsible for more of my crimes than any other part of my body.

{Scene changes to outside the police station next morning at 8am, where the marquee now reads TO PROTECT AND SERVE MAN. Inside, Smitty and URL lead Bender through a corridor.}

BENDER: So, what do I gotta do to earn this badge then?

SMITTY: Just a series of tests. Starting with testing your physical abilities.

{Scene changes to a strange room with various thin platforms and ladders all joined together. Bender emerges from the bottom level via a trapdoor elevator. A familiar voice echoes from an unseen speaker (or speakers) somewhere in the room.}

SMITTY: (OS) Ready?

BENDER: For what? What do I do?

SMITTY: (OS) Just try to get the gold bars. There's three of them in the room.

BENDER: Gold, huh? This'll be a snap!

SMITTY: (OS) And try not to get caught.

BENDER: Caught?

{A noise sounds from above and Bender sees three generic looking robots falling from different areas of the sky with parachutes.}

BENDER: Eeeeeee!

{Bender makes a break for it, running directly to his right and the nearest ladder. He only makes it about a third the way up before the nearest enemy robot lands and begins chasing him up the ladder too. Bender reaches the top, and notices a gold bar to his left, sitting on the edge of the platform. He runs to pick it up, but upon contact it simply disappears.}

BENDER: Hey! What's the deal?!

{Bender then gasps, noticing the following robot has made it to the top of the ladder behind him. He looks to his left and notices a horizontal ladder that leads across to another platform in the distance.}

BENDER: So long, losers!

{He takes a leap and grabs onto the ladder, then begins working himself towards the other platform. He looks back and notices the other robot is following him.}

BENDER: Give it up! You won't catch me! I'm ten rungs ahead of you.

{Bender looks ahead though, and sees another robot approaching on the other side. He stops with a gasp, then turns back. The first robot is still coming. Finally, he looks down, where there's a long fall to the ground below, right where he originally began. With a gulp, he lets go of the rung.}


{Bender crashes to the ground, but quickly recovers. However, the other two robots quickly land on either side of him. He looks back and forth between them with worry, then as the first one begins to draw close, he looks angrier and stomps at the ground between him and it. The ground crumples away and the robot falls into the gap and is stuck. Bender chuckles, then turns around and does the same to the other robot. He has a short laugh, but then sees the third robot coming down the right-side ladder. With a yelp, Bender runs off again to his left, running overtop of one buried enemy, where he sees another ladder in the distance. He quickly ascends it, then finds another gold bar at the top. Seeing another ladder leading up even further, he takes that. In the distance on the topmost platform, he sees the last gold bar. He makes a dash for it, but the last robot appears again between him and it from another ladder. Bender just screams and runs towards the enemy, and he ran towards Bender as well. Just as they were about to meet, Bender halts and stomps at the ground, making a large hole. The enemy robot falls in, though doesn't get stuck, instead falling down to the next level of platforms. It doesn't worry Bender, who jumps over the hole he made and grabs the last bit of gold.}

BENDER: Yes! In your face!

SMITTY: (OS) Well done, Bender. You can move onto the next test.

BENDER: All right!

SMITTY: (OS) Oh, and chief says you're going to have to pay for the holes you made in the course.

BENDER: Damn it!

{Scene changes to Bender sitting in front of a computer keyboard with a large screen in front of him. Bender reads out what it says on the screen as he ponders.}

BENDER: One night, one of your friends is mugged and hurt badly. Do you, A... do what you can to heal his wounds? B... chase after the attackers to reclaim lost wealth, while others attend to your friend? C... wait with your friend until help arrives, and then chase after the attackers? Or D... go and alert the city guards? Hmmmmm... (calling out) Um... where's the choice of "E... I run off because I'm the one who mugged him?"

SMITTY: (OS) Just stick with the options given to you.

BENDER: Pfft! You call this multi-choice?! All these options suck! (pause) I guess the best one is 'B' then.

{Bender presses the corresponding key, then reads the next question on screen.}

BENDER: When you became old enough, your parents gave you a sword and leather armour to practice with. While practicing with the goblins in the plains, you hear mocking laughter. You sneak to the nearest hill and see four raiders torturing a farmer. Do you, A... stealthily walk down and ambush the raiders, trusting your skills? B... run away, because what chance would you have against the brigands? C... wait to see if the raiders would leave soon and then go get help for the farmer? Or D... quickly scout the area for help? (groans, calling out) Are you guys sure some of these questions aren't just a little bit out of date?

SMITTY: (OS) They're as relevant now as they were two thousand years ago. Now you've only got two more to go, and then you can move onto the weapons and equipment training.

BENDER: All right! What does that involve?

SMITTY: (OS) We give you a sword and some leather armour, then send you to practice with the goblins in the plains.

{Bender just groans and hits a key. Next, Bender sits amongst a four other police cadets in front of a small podium, at which stands Smitty.}

SMITTY: We have a special guest speaker to talk to you fresh cadets today about justice. And this man knows more about it than anybody. Please welcome the universe's most decorated captain. Fresh from his triumphant coffee-bombing of the Keyboardites of Qwerty 10: Zapp Brannigan!

{Bender and the other officers all clap as Zapp comes through a door on their left and walks up to the podium with a long pointing stick. Smitty, also clapping, steps aside to stand with URL in the corner of the room.}

ZAPP: Greetings, police cadets. I am Captain Zapp Brannigan of the Democratic Order of Planets, and I'm here to talk to you about a little thing in this world of fighting and dying called justice. In the DOOP we fight for justice throughout the universe, and as future police officers, you shall fight for justice here in New New York City. In some ways, you are like a miniature DOOP. But before one can fight for justice, once must first know what justice is. Can any of you tell me what justice is?

{As Zapp pauses for an answer, one cadet raises his hand.}

ZAPP: Yes?

CADET #1: Justice is the quality of being just or fair, as well as the administration of laws, and act of determining rights and assigning punishments or rewards accordingly.

ZAPP: (hitting cadet in face with pointer) Wrong, wrong, wrong! (stops hitting) Where did you learn that tripe... flower school for namby pamby pansy boys?! Anybody else know?

{Nobody answers.}

ZAPP: Of course you don't. You're all idiots who don't know anything yet. But the name itself tells you the definition. According to our DOOP historical documents, the word originated in America during the twentieth or twenty-first century from one of the then U.S. presidents. It was his mission to make the entire earth belong to the great nation of America and only America, starting with the nations with the best resources before moving onto enemies, allies, and, of course, the neutrals. That is precisely why the word "justice" is an amalgamation of the words "just" and "us" respectivefully. After all, justice is the means of enforcing peace and tranquillity, and the only way to attain that is to eliminate all those different from you. Then, the only ones who are left are just us. Questions?

CADET #2: How does this fit in with being a police officer.

ZAPP: A valid question, even if it's not a sound one. As blue-blooded police officers of the future, you must look at the scum of the criminal world like the red-blooded Americans of the past looked at a man with a scraggy beard and a towel on his head. Once they have been eliminated, you shall move on to those who simply tick you off, followed by your own allies, and finally everybody else. That is what justice is, and what both the DOOP and your police force shall practice.

{Bender raises his arm, and Zapp nods in his direction.}

BENDER: Just out of curiosity, are the police and the DOOP allies?

ZAPP: Of course.

BENDER: So, does that mean that when we get to getting rid of the criminals and those that annoy us, we have to get rid of you next?

ZAPP: (belly laughs) Don't be insane! There's no way you'll accomplish those goals before the DOOP does. We'll destroy you as our allies before you destroy us as yours. (proudly) Ahhhh, justice and freedom. Remember that, lads... justice and freedom are tied together like a well-tied present bow of superiority around a gift of blind patriotism.

CADET #1: How is eliminating everybody else freedom?

ZAPP: It's freedom for us is how. Freedom for us to do whatever we like to whoever we like, wherever we like. That's why all nations and planets that oppose us are against freedom.

BENDER: Don't forget all nations and planets that ally with you.

ZAPP: Yes, them too.

BENDER: And those neutral to you.

ZAPP: Exactly! They're the worst of all. It's bad enough to be against freedom, but to not care about it at all... (shudders)

{Scene changes to Smitty and URL leading Bender through an equipment room. Along the walls and shelves lie many different objects of interest.}

SMITTY: Here we have your various equipment. There's your standard issue laser-baton, which has three settings: flashlight, clubber and Jedi. We try not to use the last setting unless absolutely necessary.

URL: Then here's your laser-cuffs, and laser guns. Not to mention your laser tasers. Flashy.

SMITTY: And for simple incapacitation, here is the pepper spray for your solid criminals, and salt spray for your slime-based ones.

URL: And here are your grenades. We've got smoke, fog, smog, flashbang, bangflash, tear-gas, no-more-tear-gas and laser-show. Smoking.

SMITTY: Then there's your criminal capture guns. You have either a choice of a net, a rope, or The Orb.

BENDER: The Orb?

URL: A large bubble that automatically seeks its nearest target and engulfs them. Useful for those slimy criminal turkeys that can wriggle out of a net or noose. Liquid.

{Scene changes to evening, as Bender, Smitty and URL walk out of a building behind the police station together.}

BENDER: Man, that downtown target practice simulation was great! The screams from some of those pop-up targets sounded real!

URL: That's because they are.

SMITTY: Yeah. Part of the Ironic Punishment division to solve those overcrowding issues in the prisons.

BENDER: So what's next then?

SMITTY: Actually, that's it. Congratulations!

URL: Yeah. You're a fully-fledged police officer now. Peachy.

BENDER: Wait a minute... don't I get some sort of special graduation ceremony, or something?

SMITTY: You would if you were a human or other carbon-based lifeform, but robots don't get that.

URL: Yeah, we just have a machine do it for us.

{URL points to a black rectancular object about the size of a soda vending machine that has a wire with a plug on the end sticking out of it. In lettering on it are the words THE BACCALAUREATOR. Also, in red lettering within a yellow star are the words OPTIONAL INITIATION PADDLES with two paddles danging from a insulated cable. They aren't normal, bat-like paddles, but instead the ancient computer control devices from the early 1980's.}

SMITTY: You start tomorrow at 0800 hours. That's when you'll get your badge, equipment and first assignments.

BENDER: Do I get a gun?

SMITTY: Are you kidding? Officers never get guns on the first day. They have to maintain constant weapons training for several weeks before that happens.

URL: You have several criminal convictions though. So that changes things.

SMITTY: You're right. You'll probably get a gun by next week, since you'll be expected to have a good knowledge of weapons.


{Scene changes to the next morning at the station, with the marquee reading NEW NEW YORK POLICE DEPARTMENT - NOW APARTHEID FREE!. Bender walks up t Smitty and URL in one of the offices.}

BENDER: I'm here now. Where's my badge and stuff? Do I have to see the Chief?

SMITTY: Naw. He's putting us in charge of you, since it was "our bright idea."

URL: (whispering to Smitty) I still reckon he's mad about what he caught us doing in the locker room last week.

BENDER: What was that?

URL: Nothing.

SMITTY: You can pick up your gear through that door, but before that, (handing Bender paper and photo) here's your first assignment.

BENDER: Cool. What's he guilty of?

SMITTY: We think he's the one who broke into the head museum the other night and stole Kirsten Dunst's head.

URL: Dang thieves. Always trying to get some head when they can. Awwwww yeah!

SMITTY: We believe he's holding her in the address listed on that piece of paper, but we also have reason to believe he won't show up for another couple of hours.

BENDER: That's cool. I've got to go somewhere first this morning anyway.

SMITTY: Oh, and remember, if he yells "you'll never take me alive!" it's an automatic licence to kill.

{Scene changes to inside Planet Express building, where the Professor, Fry, Leela, Amy, Zoidberg and Scruffy are all gathered around a conference table, while Hermes stands at the front before the projector.}

HERMES: Now, as dis graph clearly indicates...

{He brings up a chart that is a mess of about 200 lines or so, all pointing in random directions.}

HERMES: (cont'd) De food dat we are buying for Nibbla' each month is far outweighing de cost it would be for us to actually buy our dark matter fuel.

LEELA: (grouchy) What are you suggesting then?

HERMES: Dat either we get rid of de little bastard, Leela pays for his food out of her own pay, or we simply deduct seventy percent of Zoidberg's wage to cover de costs.

ZOIDBERG: Why out of my money? I make a quarter less each week than the rest of you!

HERMES: Good point. (pause) We'll just cut your pay entirely.

{Zoidberg breaks down crying, just as Bender walks into the office. He has a shiny police badge, a helmet similar to URL's, and his body, arms and legs are painted a shiny blue.}

LEELA: Bender?! Is that you?

FRY: Yeah, what'd you do... join The Village People?

BENDER: Nope. I'm a cop.

{Everybody at the table just looks at each other.}

LEELA: (pause) You're kidding, right?

BENDER: Nope, it's all true. Now I'm on the right side of the law, and using my experience from being on the wrong side of it earlier in order to become the best Bender I can be. Both morally and in the "Bender is great" sense.

FRY: So that's what you meant when you said you were going to the police academy yesterday.

HERMES: And dat's why you didn't turn up for work yesterday either.

ZOIDBERG: And that's why you've got that stylish blue paint.

BENDER: Yep. I'm going to be the greatest hero this city's seen since Robin HUD.

FRY: Who's that?

BENDER: He was a vigilante robot who stole from the rich robots and gave to the poor robots. But he was unfortunately destroyed by a logical paradox in his own programming when it became clear that giving the poor robots the rich robots' money made them the rich robots instead, and he blew up after getting stuck in a particularly nasty infinite loop.

LEELA: You as a cop though? *snort* I'll believe it when I see it.

BENDER: Hey, if I wanted to, I could arrest the lot of youse!

LEELA: For what?

BENDER: Where to start? How about you for flying an unwarranted and registered spacecraft with no insurance.

LEELA: I kept telling you to sort that out, but you wouldn't!

BENDER: (ignoring) And then there's Hermes, for having illegal substances on the premises!

HERMES: What?!

BENDER: That's right! You thought you could hide your stash, but I found those boxes of uranium in your office.

HERMES: They're not ours! We're supposed to deliver them this afternoon!

BENDER: And then the Professor Farnsworth, with his unregistered doomsday weapons.

FARNSWORTH: (snorts) Bah! The governments of Earth, Neptune and Pluto don't need excuses to have them! Why should I?! That's democracy for you! And Plutocracy, for that matter...

BENDER: And, of course, Fry.

FRY: What?

BENDER: Oh, don't act all innocent! You know very well it's illegal to live in this city without a career chip.

LEELA: Don't be stupid, Bender! Fry does have a career chip.

BENDER: Shows what you know. Didn't Fry tell you that last week an unseen, unknown, but handsome and clever, assailant removed it from him while he was sleeping to sell it to a homeless guy?

LEELA: You're not going to just suddenly turn us all in because you're a cop now, are you?

BENDER: Of course not. But I am going to ask for fifty bucks from each of you, 'cause I'm a crooked cop.

{Scenes changes to outside a dingy block of flats. Inside one of the upper hallways, Bender kicks down one of the doors fiercely.}

BENDER: This is the police! If anybody is in here... freeze! Either that, or kill yourselves now to save me the trouble.

FEMALE VOICE: (OS) Help me! I'm in here!

{Bender activates his laser baton and carefully walks into the next room. There, sitting on a couch, is the head of a frightened young woman in a jar. The plaque on the base reads KIRSTEN DUNST.}

BENDER: You okay, ma'am?

DUNST'S HEAD: No! That jerk would only call me "Mary-Jane" and then kept on making me kiss him upside down over and over again! And he tried to dye my hair red, but the dye just got into the water, and choked and blinded me!

BENDER: That Dunst-obsessed dunce! Is he still here?

DUNST'S HEAD: No, still away. But he'll probably be back any moment.

{Bender opens his chest compartment with his free hand, then picks up Dunst's jar.}

BENDER: You'll be safe in here, sweetheart. This police paint makes me mostly laser-proof.

{He puts Dunst's jar inside.}

DUNST'S HEAD: What if he uses a weapon that's not a laser then?

BENDER: In that case, I'd suggest ducking if you hear any fighting sounds.

{Bender closes the door, just as a male voice is heard from where he entered.}

VOICE: (OS) Funny... I don't remember leaving the door kicked in when I left...

{Bender whirls around, ready with his baton, as the offender walks in. Bender just ends up laughing at him, as it turns out to be a nerdy looking guy in a Spiderman suit.}

SPIDER-NERD: Stop laughing at me!

BENDER: Man, talk about an arachnerd! *laughs* I should have brought a can of geek-o-cide *laughs harder*

SPIDER-NERD: Stop it! Stop laughing! Now!

BENDER: All right then, how about this instead?! You're under arrest for breaking and entering, kidnapping, and worst of all... fashion crimes.

SPIDER-NERD: You can't stop me!

BENDER: Why, what are you going to do? Web-sling me? Oooooh, I'm sooo scared!

{The Spider-Nerd smirks and flicks out one arm, shooting a strand of web that sticks onto Bender's chest.}

SPIDER-NERD: You were saying?

{Bender rolls his eyes then uses his baton to cut the web effortlessly. Spider-Nerd just gulps as Bender leaps at him and starts beating him with the baton repeatedly.}

{Scene changes back to Planet Express building. Leela is inside the ship's cockpit, just as Fry loads on a large crate with the hover-dolly. Fry puts it in the cargo bay, then joins Leela on the main deck.}

FRY: We ready to go yet?

LEELA: Almost. I'm just recalibrating the engines again after that trip yesterday where we had to reverse the polarity again.

{Zoidberg enters the room behind them, carrying a large cylindrical container with a lid on it. He also wears a chef's hat and an apron with SHELL'S KITCHEN written on it.}


LEELA: Whatever you're doing, Zoidberg, can you hurry it up? We're about to take off.

ZOIDBERG: I know. I'm coming with you.

FRY: I thought the Professor banned you from coming with us any more after that visit to Copepodia?

ZOIDBERG: But now I'm the new ship's cook, I am! Hermes said that now that Bender is one of the bots in blue, he'll just cut Bender's salary instead of mine, as long as I do Bender's old job.

FRY: (nervous) Y-You don't have to do that, Zoidberg. I'm sure we'll find a Milky Subway or Burger Klingon on the way.

ZOIDBERG: Oh, it's no trouble at all. I even brought my own ingredients, I did.

FRY: (more nervous) Which are?

ZOIDBERG: Just some leftovers.

LEELA: (sceptical) What kind of leftovers?

ZOIDBERG: Oh, y'know... a bit like when you pull apart bits of the ship, and when you put it back together there are parts you leave out. The same things happen sometimes with patients too, would you believe.

{Fry and Leela give each other doubtful looks.}

ZOIDBERG: Well... off to the kitchen place.

{Zoidberg waddles off out the room.}

{Scene changes to Bender knocking on the door of a house. It is answered by an alien creature that looks a lot like a Jack of Spades playing card. The one on the top uses his arms normally, while the bottom, upside down one uses them like legs, as if doing a handstand.}

BENDER: This is a drug bust. I'm looking for (looks at paper) Jack.

BOTH: That's him.

BENDER: Well one of you is guilty. Are you both Jack?

LOW JACK: I'm Low Jack and he's High Jack. He's the one you want.

HIGH JACK: Oh, don't listen to him! As you can see, he's at the ass-end of things.

LOW JACK: Oh, you're so witty, aren't you? You just think you're quite the card, don't you?

HIGH JACK: Shut up! You're so beneath me, you're not worth the cardboard you're printed on.

LOW JACK: Shut up, fatso! I'm am so sick of carrying all of your weight on my shoulders!

HIGH JACK: Hey! Don't make me come down there and kick your face!

LOW JACK: You're just jealous 'cause I'm the one who gets us chicks!

HIGH JACK: You should just hit the road, Jack!

LOW JACK: Yeah?! Well you should just Jack off!

BENDER: Look, I'll just do a search of your persons and see if either of you has anything.

{Bender searches Low Jack's pockets and finds some stuff}

BENDER: Ah hah!

LOW JACK: That's not mine! He must have put it in my pockets when we were sleeping! Or he turned our coats around!

HIGHER JACK: Are you calling me a turncoat?!

LOW JACK: Yes, that's exactly what I'm calling you!

BENDER: I'm going to have to believe him here.

{Bender puts cuffs on High Jack.}

HIGH JACK: What?! Why?!

BENDER: You must be the druggie, since you're High Jack.

HIGH JACK: No... wait... I'm not really High Jack! I'm Low Jack! That bully below me been forcing me to be the one on top!

LOW JACK: They're not going to fall for that one twice in a year.

BENDER: You do realise that since you're joined together, you're both going to jail.

LOW JACK: Damn it! (pause) That's it, I want a separation.

{Back at the police station, the marquee reads ALL YOUR RIGHTS ARE BELONG TO US. Inside, Bender catches up with Smitty and URL again.}

BENDER: Well, I've got back Kirsten Dunst's head and arrested a druggie. What's next? I know some friends who are on acid I could bust for you right now.

URL: What kind of acid?

BENDER: Battery.

URL: Whoa! That's some deep stuff there. Potent.

SMITTY: We can deal with them later. In the meantime, you're just in time actually. We've got a suspect in the interviewing room that needs grilled.

BENDER: All right! Is it going to be a "good cop, bad cop" thing, or am I on my own with 'im?

SMITTY: We'll see how you go by yourself. I'll be a good test for you.

BENDER: Can I work him over with the brass knuckles first? By which I mean my hands. They're sixty percent brass.

URL: You can try, but I don't think you'll hurt him much. He's solid.

{Scene changes back to the Planet Express Ship. The sound of a toilet flushing is heard, and Leela walks back into the cockpit with a scowl on her face.}

LEELA: Damn it, Fry! How many times have I told you to flush the toilet when you're done?

FRY: Wasn't me. I have been lately. And I haven't even used it today yet.

LEELA: Then what was--


{The door suddenly swings open as Zoidberg bursts through in a panic.}

ZOIDBERG: Who flushed the toilet?!

LEELA: I did. Why? Did you leave that mess in it?

ZOIDBERG: For your information, that "mess" was supposed to be your dessert. It was my special Zoidberglione.

FRY: (insincere) Oh, how... awful.

LEELA: (insincere) Yes... awful.

ZOIDBERG: (sighs) I guess I'll just have to make something simpler. I could probably whip something up... I do have a lot of intestines and testicles left over...



{Both stammer for responses, with Leela eventually getting something understandable out of it all.}

LEELA: It's just... just that, I'm not really a dessert person, Zoidberg.

FRY: Yea-yeah... neither am I. (pause) Plus I'm allergic to eating nuts.


FRY: Definitely! And Leela has intestine intolerance.

LEELA: Oh, yes! (holds stomach) They just make me so ill if I have them.

ZOIDBERG: They do?! (groans) Now I'm going to have to change the main course as well!

{Zoidberg leaves dejectedly, and Fry scoots over to Leela on his chair.}

FRY: My God! He's even worse than Bender at cooking!

LEELA: I know! It's times like this I wish I'd brought Nibbler with us!

FRY: Yeah. He could eat the bad food for us.

LEELA: Actually... I was thinking of having him eat Zoidberg.

{Scene changes back to the police station, with the marquee reading FOR SALE: BULK POWDERED SUGAR AND WASHING POWDER. Bender leaves the interview room in a huff, while Smitty and URL wait outside with wry smiles.}

URL: Any luck?

BENDER: Nah! All he keeps doing is saying "Exterminate! Exterminate!" over and over again. I just came to get a can opener. Preferably a non-magnetic one.

SMITTY: No, we'll take it from here. We've got another job for you.

BENDER: Awwww, man! What's with all these assignments? When do I just get to sit in a squad car on the side of the road for most of the day, drinking booze and eating dough nuts and bolts?

URL: Not until your first promotion. Before then, it's crap assignment after crap assignment. Awwwww yeah.

BENDER: Well, it's still better than constantly wrestling the one-eyed snake at my old work.

SMITTY: Good, 'cause you're perfect for the job, being a former crook. We need you to infiltrate the Robot Mafia.

BENDER: The Robot Mafia? I thought you guys keep out of the whole gang side of things?

SMITTY: Normally we do, until it effects us.

URL: Yeah. Those robot turkeys have been running a counterfeit weapons ring. Weapons especially designed for criminals

SMITTY: Yep. And you're the perfect cop to infiltrate them.

BENDER: The Robot Mafia's pretty tough though... wouldn't I be better off trying to nab the Robot Devil? Or what about Santa? Xmas is coming up.

URL: We got Santa this July already.

SMITTY: Yeah. He came here to buy some new weapons in disguise, but we saw right through it.

{Scene cuts to Robot Santa looking sad in a jail cell. He looks pretty much exactly the same, save for the fact that he's painted blue where he would normally be red. Scene cuts back to Bender and the cops.}

BENDER: I dunno...

URL: You'll blend right in. All you need is a sharkskin suit. Snappy.

BENDER: Oooh! Sold!

{Scene changes to Planet Express Ship again, with Fry wandering into the cockpit holding a white t-shirt with the words FREEDOM FROM TIBET written on it in black lettering.}

FRY: I think these t-shirts we're delivering to the peace talks at DOOP headquarters have a major typo. Shouldn't they say "Freedom for Tibet?"

LEELA: No. Don't you know what happened fifty years ago? China finally did free Tibet, which turned out to be a huge mistake. Two years later, Tibet built up a huge military force and decided they'd take China over as revenge. Hence the shirts.

ZOIDBERG: (OS, calling out) Food's ready! Come and get it!

LEELA: Uh... I can't, Zoidberg... I need to, uh... steer the ship.

ZOIDBERG: (OS) Just put it on autopilot.

LEELA: Uh... it's not working.

AUTOPILOT VOICE: (calling out) Yes I am! She can come and eat her food! *snicker*

LEELA: Damn it!

FRY: (getting up) Come on, Leela. We might as well get this over with.

LEELA: (groans) Fine! (to autopilot) And don't you think that you're going to get away with this!

AUTOPILOT: Not if you want the others to really know why we almost flew into the sun last month.

{Leela just sneers and keeps her mouth shut, walking into the dining area of the ship where Fry is already sitting at the table, waiting for food. Zoidberg wanders in just as Leela takes a seat with a bowl of something in each claw.}

ZOIDBERG: Here you go. Enjoy.

{They both just stare at the steaming liquid in the bowl, which looked rather like warm sewer water.}


FRY: I'm waiting for mine to cool down. Mind if I ask what's in here?

ZOIDBERG: Ask all you want, I'll never tell. It's a secret Decapodian recipe.

LEELA: Here goes...

{Leela scoops up a spoonful and jams it in her mouth, eye clenched as she does. It soon opens again, with a surprised look.}

LEELA: Mmmmmmmmmm... (removes spoon) This is actually good!

{She has another spoonful.}

LEELA: It's really good!

{As Leela picks up the bowl to drink from it like a cup, Fry takes a spoonful himself.}

FRY: My God... you're right! It really is good!

ZOIDBERG: What's with all the doubt? I told you I could cook.

LEELA: I can't even remember the last time I sat in this ship and had a decent meal.

FRY: Probably last year, when we were taking those Hyperchicken diplomats to the Neutral Planet and flew too close to the sun.

LEELA: As nice as that was Zoidberg, I have to ask... how many human organs did it contain?

ZOIDBERG: Absolutely none. I steered away from that this time. I simply used Bender's Elzar cookbook and ingredients from your frozen food closet.

FRY: I thought you said it was a secret Decapodian recipe?

ZOIDBERG: (sad) I just wanted to impress you.

LEELA: Well, as strange as it feels to say this, good work, Zoidberg. I'm impressed.

FRY: Yep. Kang and kudos to Zoidberg.

ZOIDBERG: Hooray! Zoidberg is respected! (whispering to himself) Perhaps now, friends will treat Zoidberg as one of their own?

LEELA: Now that we're done with that, get us some dessert. Pronto!

FRY: Yeah, snap to it, Zoidberg!

{Scene changes to in front of Fronty's Meat Market. A sign in the window says 100%* SATISFACTION GUARRANTEED and then below it, in much smaller writing, is * = PERCENTAGE IN BINARY. Bender walks around the back, wearing a purplish grey striped sharkskin suit, along with some sunglasses and a matching hat. He knocks on the large door at the rear of the building and two eyes appear behind the slot in the door.}

VOICE: Yeah?

BENDER: (gangster accent) Hey dere. I hear youse guys have some new moich-en-dize up fer grabs.

VOICE: We might. What have you heard?

BENDER: Woid on the street is dat youse got some genuine, reproduction, falsified, actual, first class, counterfeit weaponry products.

VOICE: The woid might be right. Come on in.

{The door swings open, and there stands Joey Mousepad. In the distance Bender can see both The Don-bot and Clamps unloading various weapons and equipment out of some large crates, while meat carcasses hang from hooks around the walls. Joey leads Bender towards them.}

JOEY: Hey boss. Dis here guy, he's interested in our dealings.

DON-BOT: Is that a fact? And who are you, exactly?

BENDER: The name's Joe Bend'ano. But my friends call me "Bendy-Face Bend'ano" mostly.

DON-BOT: I see. And you're interested in purchasing some of our stuff then, huh?

BENDER: Not at all. I want to goes in with youse guys, as an equal partner.

CLAMPS: I smell an owl, Don-bot! Ya want me to clamp 'im?! I'll clamp 'im good!

DON-BOT: Whoa, easy dere, Clamps. (to Bender) So what makes you t'ink you can just waltz in here and start being on the supply side of things here?

BENDER: I got contacts in the criminal woild you could use. I could get the stuff to them and the cash back here quicker than you can unload it.

DON-BOT: I dunno... we've had problems dealing with bending units in the past.

BENDER: All I'm sayings is, if you let me help you, then you succeed. Else fail.

DON-BOT: That's a rather venturous statement, but I have a good feeling about you because of that stylish suit, so I'll give you a test. If you can unload a whole crate of weapons to these contacts of yours by the end of the day, we'll take you on as an equal partner.

BENDER: You won't regret it. Though what's so special about dese guns?

DON-BOT: I'm glad you asked. They're pervious to laser-proof items, such as shields and armour, since they're non-laser-based weapons.

JOEY: Yeah. They use these little metal projectile things called "snails" instead.

CLAMPS: Snails? (pause) That's "slugs" ya numbskull! You wanna be clamped?!

JOEY: Whatever. In any case, they're making a comeback.

DON-BOT: Still confident you can shift 'em?

BENDER: I'm pretty sure I can. Lemme just make some queries and I'll get back to youse.

{Scene changes to the police station again, with the marquee reading GET OUT OF JAIL FREE CARDS: $100 EACH. Inside, Bender talks with Smitty and URL.}

BENDER: ...and ever since that day, I've had my name on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

SMITTY: Very nice. But regarding the whole Robot Mafia thing, since they've got these new weapons...

URL: Actually, they're old weapons. Old school. Awwwww yeah.

SMITTY: Whatever. I think we need some more info. Stay on the case for the next couple of days, then give us a report. We'll work out what to do from there.

BENDER: I'll watch 'em like they're made of platinum.

URL: I've heard a large percentage of the Don-bot actually is.

{Scene changes to Planet Express office that evening. Fry, Leela and Zoidberg get off the ship.}

FRY: Wow! That was the best moo goo gun-gan I've ever had!

LEELA: Yeah. Bender's was always still alive when we got it. It both tasted bad and was extremely annoying.

ZOIDBERG: Hooray! It's amazing how easy it is following the instructions in the book. I've even mastered the breaking of eggs without getting it all over my claws.

FRY: One thing I don't get though... you're given access to the food, but you end up cooking it for us instead of eating it yourself. What's the deal?

LEELA: Yeah. What happened to the Zoidberg we had to attach a shock device to once that activated whenever you got within five feet of the fridge?

FRY: Yeah. And then had to replace it with a fingerprint scanner lock, after you ended up eating the shock device?

ZOIDBERG: Hermes didn't trust me when I first asked for the job, so I told him that I wouldn't eat any of the food if he gave me some kind of incentive.

LEELA: What was it?

ZOIDBERG: He said that he'd completely wipe my medical mishap record from the central bureaucracy. Now they're all the fault of a fictional Doctor Jonathan Scuttle instead. It also apparently helps Planet Express. As of yesterday, Doctor John Zoidberg had a one-hundred percent patient survival rate.

FRY: Had?

ZOIDBERG: (sadly) Yeah... there was an incident this morning while before you guys got here. By the way, I was thinking of having some wine with tomorrow's meal. Would you prefer red, white or blue?

FRY: I haven't patriotically got drunk for a while. Why not all three?

{Scene changes to Fronty's Meat Market the next afternoon. The Don-bot walks over to Bender.}

DON-BOT: Hey there, Bendy-Face. I gots something for you.

BENDER: (accent) Not the kiss of deactivation, I hope?

DON-BOT: Luckily not. It's your cut of the profits so far.

{The Don-bot opens his chest compartment, takes a wad of cash out and hands it to Bender. Bender flicks through it.}

BENDER: (loses accent) Sweet Home Alabama! (accent returns) I get five grand for one and a half days of woik?

DON-BOT: Hey, you earned that money. You sold more weapons than the rest of us put together.

BENDER: Wow! Mama always said I'd be The Chosen One. She said "You're one in a million. You've got to burn to shine." And I'm burnin' now, baby!

{A montage begins, to the tune of "Shotgun Blues" by Guns N' Roses, with the scenes as follows:

Bender is seen dropping some semi automatics off to the NRA Guy and getting handed a wad of cash.

He is then seen handing a blunderbuss to The Zookeeper and getting handed another wad of cash.

Next, he stands in front of a shady looking robot with his suit undone at the front and torso door open. He takes out a Magnum pistol and hands it to the robot, then an uzi, a semi-automatic, a minigun, and finally he pulls out a large bomb with a nuclear symbol on it. The robot takes them all and hands Bender a suitcase, but Bender taps him on the shoulder as he goes to leave. He points at the bomb he handed him and then back at himself to indicate it's his, then takes it back off the robot and puts it away inside himself.

The scene cuts then to Robot Arms Apartments at night, with a sleepy Fry in his underwear going to the fridge. He opens it up, staring in, barely awake. There is a half eaten chicken, half a block of cheese, a crumpled milk container and some Slurm cans inside, but the rest of the fridge is filled to the brim with various weapons. Next to the cans of Slurm are some gas grenades. Fry sleepily grabs a grenade, and turns around as he closes the door. He pulls the pin on the top of it without even looking, and white gas sprays out into his face. He starts coughing silently, then falls to the ground in a cloud of gas.

Finally, Bender is shown in a gangster-like shot shooting with a tommy-gun at a wall. He makes the bullet holes form a dollar sign as he shoots, and laughs maniacally when he's finished. The music and montage finish as the scene changes to inside Fronty's Meat Market the next evening, where Bender and the robot mafia work. The Don-bot walks over and hands Bender a bundle of money.}

DON-BOT: Hey Bender, you've done a good job, so you can home early today. I'll leave Joey and Clamps to take care of our last, big delivery.

BENDER: Big delivery, huh?

DON-BOT: Yep. We've got six crates going out to the Anti Force Force mob.

BENDER: Wow! Sounds like they've got something planned.

DON-BOT: They sure do. They're plannin' to take down the local constabulary.

BENDER: *gasp*

{Scene changes to Planet Express office that evening. Bender sits between Leela and Fry, looking conflicted with his head in his hands.}

BENDER: ...so that's the story. I don't know what to do?!

FRY: So, you're conflicted between sticking as a cop with cool perks, or going back to being a criminal 'cause the money's good?

BENDER: Uh-huh. I need some help here.

LEELA: Well... the right thing to do is pr--

BENDER: (interrupting) Hey... I'm not asking for moral advice here! I just want to know what action will benefit me the most.

FRY: Well, the way I see it, the option that's the sweetest is helping the poll-ice cream-- I mean police cream the mafia. That's the cream of the crop choice. With sprinkles. I mean, we all scream for ice cream, right?

BENDER: Fry, what the hell are you talking about?!

FRY: Sorry... Zoidberg's making us parfait for dessert tonight, and my mind is elsewhere.

LEELA: As stupid as what Fry said is, he's sorta right. I mean, if the police are gone, there'll be no challenge in being a criminal. What's the point if there's no chance of getting caught?

BENDER: That's true. But how can I do it without the Robot Mafia coming after me?

LEELA: I thought you were always in disguise when dealing with the mafia?

BENDER: I am. But I still want to keep the suit and wear it now and th-- (interrupting himself) Wait a minute... what was that about Zoidberg making parfait?

FRY: Oh, Zoidberg's taken over as the chef since you've been gone. His stuff is--

{Leela kicks Fry under the table.}

FRY: Owwww!

LEELA: His stuff isn't very good. It seriously pales in comparison to your cooking. But... y'know, you've got a new path ahead of you now...

BENDER: Then my decision is clear... I must take whatever action is the best in order to return here to work, and rescue my friends from the horror that is Zoidberg's cooking!

FRY: No! You can't sa--

{Leela kicks him again, even harder.}

FRY: Owwwww!

LEELA: You can't sacrifice your new career as a police officer just for our sake. (pause) Or as a mafia lackey. (pause) You really can't.

BENDER: Y'know, I wouldn't usually go out of my way to make my two best friends happy...

FRY: Then don't!

BENDER: (ignoring) But this isn't just about helping you... it's about taking back what belongs to me from that filthy, usurping, arrogating, kitchen stealing lobster!

{Bender leans in to Fry.}

BENDER: Don't worry, buddy. I'll have this all sorted out before that horrible, disgusting, retch-inducing parfait even gets to you.

{Fry just smiles nervously, but Leela kicks him again anyway.}

FRY: Owwww!

{Bender heads for the door.}

LEELA: So... what are you going to do then?

FRY: You're not going to fake your death again are you? 'Cause you've been doing that an awful lot lately. You did it twice last month, and the second time we didn't even know you were alive again until you stole back all the things you had bequeathed to us in your will.

BENDER: (sinister) You shall see. *evil chuckle* Oh yes... you shall see...

LEELA: How exactly will we see?

BENDER: Well... you won't. I'll just tell you about it later.

{Bender leaves the room. Zoidberg walks in the same door simultaneously.}

ZOIDBERG: So, what's new then?

{Fry and Leela look at each other unsurely, then back to Zoidberg.}

LEELA: Well...

{Scene cuts to outside Planet Express Office.}


{Scene changes to the NNYC police station, with the marquee reading WANTED: LETTERS FOR POL1C3 MARQU33. Bender talks inside with his usual contacts.}

SMITTY: They're going to try and take us out?!

URL: Awwww man! We got no defence against weapons like that.

BENDER: Don't worry... I've got a plan that'll have this over quicker than the interest in ADDAD&D.

{Bender picks up a phone from the desk nearby, dials, and holds the handpiece up to his head.}

BENDER: Anti Force Force? (pause) I just want to inform you of some details regarding your planned assault on the police. (pause) Who am I, you ask? Let's just say that I'm a friend of the family, and I know something that you don't know that I know you should know, only you don't know it yet, at least as far as I know. But I know, so you'll not be not knowing no more.

{Scene changes to inside Fronty's Meat Market, where an angry robot storms in through the main door, past Joey Mousepad and up to the Don-bot and Clamps. The robot is a coppery brown colour, with a plaid cylinder of metal around his waist that comes does to his knees, ala a kilt. He speaks in a Scottish accent.}

ROBOT: (angrily) Don-bot! I have a few words to say to you!

DON-BOT: Ah, Robot Roy, what brings you here? You seem over-clocked.

ROY: I am! Thar appears to be a snitch amongst yer ranks, laddie!

DON-BOT: (pause) What?

ROY: The constabulary 'ave gotten wind of our planned attack. The only ones who knew about it besides our group were your lot. I know you wouldn't do it yerself, Don-bot. But that don't mean somebody else yer workin' through ain't responsible fer this.

{A toilet flush is heard and Bender, in his gangster get-up, appears from a door at the rear of the room, drying his hands with a towel. He slings it over his shoulder casually as he approaches the others.}

BENDER: What's goin' on here, den?

DON-BOT: Ah, Bendy-Face... just the robot I wanted to see. It seems we have an issue of trust at the moment, with the cops now knowing about my colleague here's planned attacks on them. So, since you're the new guy, I have a little job for you.

BENDER: What's that, exactly?

DON-BOT: Somebody's shoved a red-hot firewire plug up our ports, and I want to know whose name is on the cable. Find that name. 'Cause when we do, they'll be sleeping with the fishes!

JOEY: No disrespect Don-bot, but maybe we should just drown 'em instead?

DON-BOT: *groans*

CLAMPS: Let me out who dey are, Don-bot. And when I do, it's clamperin' time! (clacks his clamps together repeatedly) Ah-Hahahahaaaaa!

DON-BOT: No, Clamps. This is a good test for the new guy. (to Bender) Try down at the spaceport where we receive the stuff. You've got your orders. Now get outta here.

{Bender leaves the building, then quickly scurries around the corner to his awaiting police car. He turns on the siren and lights, and grabs a bullhorn from inside the car, then speaks into it.}

BENDER: This is the police! We have you surrounded! Come out with your arms, legs, tentacles, and any other appendages up. You have the right to remain silent or mute your volume.

{Inside the building, the crime-bots look nervous.}

JOEY: Dey must'a got Bendy-Face, boss!

CLAMPS: What are we gonna do, Don-bot?! We can't clamp our way outta this one!

DON-BOT: Relax, Clamps. They've got nothing on us. Let's just go out, do as they say, and meet with 'em.

{The four robots all walk out with their arms up in the air, but upon reaching the front of the building they simply see Bender standing there in his gangster garb still.}

DON-BOT: What's the deal, Bendy-Face? Where are the cops? Is dis some kind of dumb joke?

BENDER: Nope. (whips out badge and gun) I was your snitch all along. You're all busted.

{Bender removes his sunglasses and hat, revealing his blue-painted face. Four other police cars suddenly pull up behind him, each one with two cops who get out and train their guns at the criminals. Smitty and URL approach with two sets of cuffs each}

CLAMPS: I knew we should'a clamped you from the start!

DON-BOT: I see now that my trust in my decision to trust you was not trustworthy. As such, I am very disappointed.

BENDER: Well, you'll be disappointed in prison then. (to Smitty and URL) The one in the skirt is the leader of the Anti Force Force.

SMITTY: We know. We've been trying to nab Robot Roy for months now.

{Smitty begins to cuff the Don-bot and Clamps, while URL takes care of Joey and Roy.}

DON-BOT: One thing I gotta know, Bendy-Face... why'd you wait until now to nab us instead of earlier or later on?

BENDER: So that I could get Roy there as well. Who do ya think told him that the police knew?

JOEY: I always suspected the snitch was Clamps.

CLAMPS: You would, ya knucklehead!

DON-BOT: So you're the snitch who snitched on our snitch... which was you.

BENDER: Yep. I'm a double-snitch. (to Smitty and URL) Take these scum-bots away.

{Smitty and URL begin to lead them into a nearby paddy wagon.}

DON-BOT: You ain't seen the last of us, Bendy-Face.

BENDER: Oh, of course. I mean, you'll have some sort of mafia vendetta against me now, huh?

DON-BOT: Definitely.

BENDER: The kind that once you got outta jail, you'd instantly try to find and kill me?

JOEY: For sure. One of those kinds.

BENDER: The kind that, if I stayed as a cop, my life would be in constant danger from you?

CLAMPS: That's the kind all right.

BENDER: The kind that, since you don't know my real name, if I were to quit the force and change my basic appearance back to that of a normal bending unit, you'd never be able to find me.

ROY: Aye, laddie.

BENDER: That's all I needed to know.

{Smitty and URL chuck them inside the paddy wagon. Bender closes the doors and it drives off.}

SMITTY: Nice work, Officer Rodriguez. Shame we couldn't get the weapons too.

BENDER: Ah, but we did.

{Smitty and URL look at each other with confusion as Bender walks around the corner. There is a beeping noise soon after, and a large truck backs up with Bender appearing in the cab.}

BENDER: When I called Roy, I suggested to him that he might want to return the weapons for a refund, since all his plans were worth jack now.

URL: Nice work. Awwwww yeah!

SMITTY: Yeah, the boss'll be happy with this. Wish it was us who'd get the kudos.

BENDER: (getting out of truck) Eh... you guys can have it. I'm leaving the force.

URL: You're what?!

BENDER: It's too dangerous. As soon as he's out, the Don-bot'll hunt me down for sure if I stay. (pause) A terrible shame, I admit.

SMITTY: It'll be sad to see you go, Rodriguez. You were a good cop.

BENDER: Look, you guys head off. I'll meet you guys round at the station and bring the weapons, okay?

SMITTY: Sure. Seeya there.

{Smitty, URL, and the rest of the cops all depart. As soon as they have, Bender looks around suspiciously, then scampers into the Meat Market again. He steps out again holding a huge wad of cash.}

BENDER: Shame Don-bot and the others left behind their takings. Whoever said "crime doesn't pay" may be right, but he didn't say anything about crime against criminals not paying.

{Scene changes to outside the police office. The marquee has NNYPD... WE'RE ALWAYS WATCHING on it, and also has a police bike chained to it with a bike lock. A shady looking character walks up with some bolt-cutters and cuts the lock, then picks up the marquee under one arm and runs off with it, leaving the bike behind. Inside, Bender stands before Smitty and URL, no longer painted blue and white and basically back to his old self.}

SMITTY: ...and finally, your badge.

{Bender removes it and chucks it towards Smitty, but it snaps onto URL's chest magnetically.}

BENDER: Sorry.

SMITTY: It's a shame to lose you, Rodriguez.

URL: (removing badge) Yeah. You were one fine cop, baby.

SMITTY: *sniffle* I think this calls for a group hug.

{Smitty motions to hug Bender, who backs off.}

BENDER: No thanks!

SMITTY: Your loss.

{Smitty turns to URL, his arms still out. URL accepts and they both hug in front of Bender.}


GRUFF VOICE: (OS) Are you two hugging again?!!

SMITTY & URL: (calling out and stopping) No!

URL: I guess the point is, we'll miss having you around.

BENDER: Oh don't worry... I have a feeling I'll be back sooner than you think.

{Bender leaves the station with a lazy salute. He walks down the steps and whistles a random, snappy tune as he does. Noticing the police bike lying on the ground he makes an interested whistle, then picks it up. Still whistling, he sits on the seat, then reaches down to pick up a brick from the edge of the small garden wall. He hurls it through the front police window, laughs evilly, and zooms off on the police bike, laughing all the way. Fade out to the sound of sirens whizzing past in the direction Bender went.}


Special thanks to both Christina Nordlander-Dawson and Spacedal for reading the early draft(s) of this story and helping make it better.