The Creation of Robo-Christmas
Kills 99% of all known myths ... dead.
Script copyright 2006 (c)
Scene - camera comes in to the Planet Express building with the sub-title, "100 years in the future" or "100 years in the futures future" or some similar smart-alec comment.
Planet Express, living room. Everyone is preparing for another night of terror as Robot Father Christmas is about to tear the place to pieces. Camera scans the wall with pictures of past crew, including pictures of Leela, Fry and Bender.
Hermes' son, now grown up.
"Well, here we are. The doors and windows are bolted and locked. The chimney is sealed with nuclear impact grade metal. Everyone's been issued with regulation missile proof vests and so we're all tucked up snug for another Christmas."
New crew 1
"I don't get it, Professor. This evil Robo Santa killing and maiming everyone at Christmas. How did it start?"
"Well, it was actually all brought about by global warming and one of the brave crews of the Planet Express ship."
(who is now a head in a jar on the table) "Oh yes, I remember the catastrophe well, as if it were only tomorrow."
Wavey effect as if going back down memory lane.
Planet Express around the briefing table. Night before Christmas decorations around, fake fire installed in the video screen. Hermeas reading newspaper, headline reads "Global Warming: Penguins homeless" Professor enters room.
"Good news everyone. We've won a major delivery contract that can pay Benders beer bill for a whole year."
"That's great. What is it professor?"
"As you all know, the polar ice caps have melted again and this time Father Christmas' house at the North Pole is all but destroyed. They found his beat up suspended animation chamber floating off the coast three hours ago, but the cold temperature has frozen the controls so they can't get him out."
"Father Christmas in suspended animation? I don't get it."
"Well you see, its all quite simple. In order to deliver to everyone overnight, he has to bend time. He can't stop time in the universe, that's too hard, so he speeds up time around himself instead. Now, by my calculations, it would take around 364 days to make the deliveries to everyone in the universe, so he has to spend the rest of the year in suspended animation or else he would age twice as fast as the rest of us."
after short pause to think "What about leap years?"
"He spends the free day skiing in Italy. Now. Leela, you can do the flying, and Fry can get the presents in to the stockings."
"What about me, Professor?"
"Oh, good point, Bender. You can act as the public relations robot. To keep everyone happy, you can eat all the mince pies and drink the mulled wine that people put out. If Fry did it, he'd be enormous by the end of the second week and so drunk he wouldn't be able to put the presents in the stockings."
"Woohoo, so that's why he's so fat and jolly all the time. A man after my own heart." (drinks and burps fire)
"But how am I going to get in the houses, Professor?"
"I'm glad you asked me that, Fry. I have been working on it, and I thought about using this size o matic gun to shrink you, but there is a slight drawback."
Fry picks up the gun in eagerness and uses it on himself. he shrinks to the floor
In a small, squeaky voice "Hey, this is great!"
"What's the problem professor?"
Professor picks up the gun from where Fry has dropped it.
"Once he's shrunk himself to get in to the apartments, he can't reach the stockings because he's too small to pull the trigger again."
Professor adjusts the guns settings and re-grows Fry.
"So, everyone, we're going to need to use Santa Claus' own technology to pull this off. His sleigh has been fished out from the water. You need to take the hover dolley, go to the dock and bring the sleigh back here. Hurry!
Scene - Outside, walking on the streets, Bender pushing the hover trolley. Fry and Leela walking.
"O.K. you guys. We need to make sure we get everything of Santas that they've rescued. He's obviously been doing this for a while, so all the tools we need should already be in his sleigh."
Well, I hope he's got plenty of liquor in his sack. This work is going to need serious fuel, and how are we supposed to learn the job?
"Didn't you listen to the Professor? In your case you pick it up as we go along. Literally! Ha!"
Scene - Camera stays on a building and lets the characters walk off camera. Penguins queue out of the door and down the street. Hoard proclaims, "Penguin relocation center." Camera focuses on a couple of penguins.
"This is madness. We're penguins. How are we supposed to find new jobs and lives in the city? I mean, where's the sense in Arctic penguins living in New New York?"
"Yeh, I mean, what do they expect us to do? All we're good for is waddling around looking cute and eating fish all day."
Penguin 3 passes with a glum look.
"Why the glum face?"
(dejected voice) "They've given me a job."
"Hey, you're lucky. It can't be that bad."
"It is. I'm working in a department store as a stuffed toy. They've even fitted me with a squeaker." Punches self in the stomach and goes "squeak!" "Just don't ask me how they got it in there." Shakes head and walks off. Other two penguins look at each other in fear, then after the other penguin.
Scene - Mom's offices. Mom is in "slim" mode with all three sons. She is reading the paper, headline reads, "Planet Express becomes Santa." Mom slams down the paper.
"Drat. That Hubert Farnsworth has got to be stopped."
"But why, mommy? They're doing a service to the world; bringing wonderful toys to all the boys and girls."
"Numbskull. What does every robot want in their stocking?"
"Um, an annual subscription to playbot?"
"Stupid fool, a can of Mom's oil. Think of the lost sales. If Santa Farnsworth (waves news paper) delivers a can of Robot oil in to every robots stocking for free, that will cost us a fortune! He's got to be stopped, and its up to you three to do it."
The three sons look at each other in disbelief for a second.
Scene - Room, non-descript. The three brothers are there. Brother 3 is dressed as a robot, brother 1 is wearing an orange wig and Brother 2 is done up like Leela, complete with false breasts, ragged purple wig and obviously fake cardboard eye.
"Now. Here's the plan. With the three of us dressed like this, we should be able to convince the guards that we are the Planet Express crew and we can then steal the sleigh out from under their noses!" Traditional evil laugh permeates through them all; traditionally.
"I just don't see why I've got to be the one wearing the false breasts. This bra strap hurts, you know."
"You're lucky. Robots don't have a crotch space. (pained look) Owwwww."
Brother 1 rolls his eyes and sighs.
Scene - At the gates to the dock area. The three disguised brothers approach the guards.
(to the other Brothers) "Just shut up and let me do the talking."
(to the guards) "We're from Planet Express, here to pick up the sleigh."
Reads instructions ... "Orders ... Admit two odd humans and one wierd robot."
Looks the three brothers over. Brother 2 attempts a lame come to bed smile. "O.K., you three fit the description. You can go through."
Guards step to one side and, with an evil smile on their faces, the three brothers go through the gate and in to the room with the sleigh.
Jumps in the sleigh and starts pushing buttons. "So how do we get this thing to fly?" Starts tugging at the steering wheel fitted with a mechanical steering lock.
"Get out the way and let me look." jumps in beside brother 2 and peruses the controls. "It's simple, dimwit. Anyone can see its this one." and pushes a big red button marked Do Not Push.
Lights start to flash and horns sound. "Intruder Alert. Intruder alert. Activate anti theft system." Robotic arms come out of the sleigh, carrying a wheel clamp. The sleigh fits the wheel clamp to itself with much mechanical whirring and metal banging and then the arms retract.
"Oh no. Mommy's not going to like this. How are we supposed to move it now?"
slaps brother 3 "Shut up and let me think."
Scene - outside the dock, the real Leela, Fry and bender are arguing with the guards.
"But we ARE the real crew from Planet Express."
"Well as far as the other two are concerned, they pass muster, but you look too sensible. Sorry, but I can't let you pass, Miss."
(Thinks for a second, then in a rushed semi-panic) "O.K., wait here." Leela leaves the scene.
Scene - back inside with the sleigh and the three brothers.
"I can't find the controls to unlock the parking clamp. We're going to have to find another way to get the sleigh free."
"I've been thinking. Time to find out who asked for a crowbar for Christmas." Motions to Brother 2. "Get in the sack and start passing me the presents."
Brother 2 looks a little surprised and stunned.
Scene - back outside with the guards.
Leela returns to the scene wearing a colourful clown suit (with a pointed hat with a bobble on the top) and juggling three fish. "This odd enough for you?"
(considers the situation) "Well, nearly. Do that while your standing on your head and your in." Camera catches Leela's stunned face for a second.
Scene - back inside with the sleigh and the three brothers.
In amidst a load of wrapping paper and toys "Thirty six teddy bears, eighteen dolls, Pamela Andersons body and a record by William Shatner." (low voice) "There really are some twisted people around."
"Yeh. Lusting after Pamela Anderson's body is really sad."
"I was talking about the record, stupid." (Turns attention back to the sack) "I need a crow bar out here. Work faster."
(pops head out from within the sack) "I'm trying!"
"Oh no! It's them!"
Camera on the three brothers and Brother 2 climbs out of the sack, but pans to the door where Fry, Bender and Leela have just entered. Leela's pointed clown hat is now crumpled.
"Look! It's Mom's evil sons. How did they get in here?"
"Forget the how. Let's take them out before they take the sleigh." (juggles the fish aggressively)
Brother 3 picks up a teddy bear. (evil childish voice) "Hold it right there, or the teddy gets it."
Camera on Bender. "Oh my God! He means it!"
Camera back on the three brothers. (Leela's voice off camera) "Heiya!" Each brother receives a fish in the face, and each of the crew then takes on their similarly dressed brother.
The real fry goes against Brother 1. He points to Brother 1's shoes and says, "Hey. Your shoes are untied." As Brother 1 looks down, Fry punches him out. "Ha! He fell for it just like I do!"
Bender goes against brother 3. They face off against each other. A quick extension of Benders hand knocks Brother 3 out, and Bender catches the bear.
"You can't hurt little teddy bears. That's MY job!" and he tears the bear in half; stuffing flies out. "Ha, ha!"
Leela goes against Brother 2. They exchange a few karate blows, but Brother 2 obviously doesn't know what he is doing and get knocked flat after three moves.
Slaps her hands as if ridding something from them. "Right, let's load up the sleigh."
The three crew rush out of the docks, pushing the sleigh on the hover dolley. Camera is focussed on the three crew to avoid having to show that the sleigh is probably much bigger than the dolley and that it shouldn't be happening. As they are running, Leela's hat falls off and she rips the costume from her, revealing her usual clothes.
"Wow. That was weird. It was just like fighting with myself, only it wasn't. Um, what I mean is ..."
"Forget the psychological analysis Fry. Let's get this thing back to the Professor before Mom's sons wake up and try something else."
Scene - in the hanger. Santas sleigh is roped to the top of the Planet Express ship. Zoom in to the top of the ship, where the Professor, Fry and Leela are in the sleigh. Wires lead out of the sleighs control panel and in to the ship. There is a large sack in the back seat and Fry attention seems drawn to the sack.
"I've wired the sleighs controls in to the ship so you can activate the time control mechanism from there. With the sleigh attached to the ship, the time field should carry the ship along with it so you can do the job."
"What about the presents Professor?" Fry puts his head in the opening of the sack. "Hello!"
Frys voice echoes around as if in an empty cavern.
"The sack is actually a gateway in to another dimension. That is how Santa can carry all the toys around. They never actually go anywhere, he just goes through the doorway and gets them."
Head still in the sack "Wow!" (echoes of "wow")
"Now, this is your chance to make up for all those mistakes you've been making all year and actually earn some money for the company, so get to it."
Fry comes out of the sack, a toy space ship in hand. "Cool. I've always wanted one of these for Christmas." starts playing with it. "Neeeeargh, neraaagh." Leela rolls her eye in disbelief.
"Put that back Fry. You've got work to do."
"Awwww. I never have any fun."
Scene - inside the Planet Express ship - Bridge
"Right. We're going to be away for a year so we'd better make sure we do this properly. Run through the check list." picks up a clipboard. "Ship."
Fry looks around him - "Check."
Leela - "Dark matter engine."
Fry pats the engine sticking out of the wall by the door. "Check!"
Leela - "Dark matter fuel production line."
Fry looks at Nibbler - "Check."
Leela - "Gateway to the gift dimension."
Fry picks up the sack and puts his head in. "Check!" (the word check echoes a couple of times)
Leela - "O.K. Let's get to it. Engaging time displacement sleigh."
The view looks over Leela's shoulder and as her hand reaches towards the button, the Professor can be seen outside, waving goodbye. As Leela presses the button, the outside world turns sepia as if in a camera flash, and the Professors waving hand freezes.
To avoid various problems explaining why the take-off ramp might or might not work, the view following the ship shows the ship taking off without assistance.
Scene - in the cockpit. Fry is looking through a list.
"Is that the list?"
"Yeh. I found it in the gift dimension. It's got everyone listed from A to Z, plus a few alien symbols in between, and they're on all sorts of planets across the galaxy. The first one is Abey, or rather, the first several hundred are Abey and they're all on this planet.
"That's fine by me. Let's go!" Leela turns the steering wheel, the ship banks and they fly off.
Scene - Mom's factory office. Three brothers present Mom with a battered suspended animation tube containing Santa Clause.
"We couldn't stop the crew from taking the sleigh, Mom, but with Santa Clause working for us, we could persuade him to not deliver oil."
"Are you crazy, Larry? Look at the state of him. The collisions with ice bergs have nearly killed him. You think he's going to be making any more deliveries?"
"Oh no. Santa Clause dead? Mommy, can't we save him?"
"What!?! Why should I save an enemy that hands out for free what others should be paying me for? " starts to have an evil smile "But you have given me an idea. We did do work saving those good for nothing priests who wandered down to the sewers. They came back nearly dead and we saved their lived by turning them in to robots."
"You mean AD101? But the priests went mad. They started giving everyone Hail Marys for no reason whatsoever and killed them with their quick fire bible launchers."
Scene - robot priest in similar appearance to ED101 from Robo Cop and a poor street bloke.
Deep voice "Six hail marys. You have ten seconds to comply."
speaking very quickly "Hail Mary mother of God ...."
metalic clunk as robot moves. Deep voice "You have five seconds to comply."
"I can't say them fast enough! Have mercy"
AD101 launches massive amounts of bibles at the man in a hail of machine-bible fire and the man dies.
"Exactly. Just think what would happen if we did the same thing to Santa Clause!" eyes open wide and big smile. Tradition evil laugh permiates; traditionally.
Scene - A typical Christmas house roof top, with snow, and the ship lands on it.
"How come we don't crush the house?"
"It's all to do with time. We're landed and gone before the roof even knows we've been here. There's no time to waste. You and Bender get going. And don't forget your costume!"
Fry and Bender come out of the ship, Fry in a typical Father Christmas outfit.
"How on earth are we supposed to get down the chimney?"
"It's simple, Fry. Toss this little transporter unit down the flue and when it reaches the bottom, it calls to these beepers on our waists and teleports us inside." Quick cut to beeping boxes on their waists. "It's these boxes that also keep us in the time shift so long as we're not too far from the sleigh.
Fry tosses the thing down the chimney and after a second, they are transported inside to the sound of uneasy, "Woah!"'s from them both.
"Wow. I could put one of these transportation thingies to good use. As a burglar I would be unstoppable!"
Pointing to a table with wine and mince pie. "Just get to work, Bender." Bender goes over to the table and eats the pie immediately and swallows the wine, followed by the glass, while Fry reaches deep in to the sack and draws out presents which he drops in to each stocking.
"That was easy. How do we get out of here?"
"Simple. Just throw the device back up the chimney; like this." Bender throws the device back up the chimney and they both teleport back to the roof.
(soft whumping sound) "O.K. Fry, get in and we'll go to the next house. Fry?"
Looks out the window to see Fry, on the roof, using a cardboard hoof on a stick to make hoof prints in the snow.
"What are you doing?"
Leaving reindeer hoof prints. Its traditional!
"Stop being stupid and get in. We've got twenty three thousand and eighty three trillion seven hundred and thirty three thousand million and something odd houses to do in the universe. We haven't got time to leave hoof prints."
Fry shrugs shoulders.
Scene - time passing effect, something like a clock whirring, and snippit scenes of them entering and leaving various houses and flats.
Scene - outside an apartment.
"I hate apartments. They don't have chimneys."
Bender throws the device through the window, smashing the glass. Fry and Bender do the apartments stockings and leave.
Some more time passing and some more snippits of stockings being filled and wine being drunk.
Scene - They have landed on the roof of the water people.
Bender is considerably the worse for wear; drunk and staggering as they leave the ship.
"Ah. King Groblad the forty sixth of the water people. Hey Bender, you'd better sit this one out. You're just too far gone."
"Ah, um, no. I've got to do my, uh, duty, Fry. Just throw the thingy down the whosit."
"O.K. but just make sure you don't drink anyone important." Fry tosses the device down the chimney of the water planet palace and they vanish from the roof.
Scene - Inside, Bender goes wide-eyed and homes in on the food and drink while Fry does the usual with the presents, then throws the device back up the chimney.
Scene - Outside Zap Branagans ship - Nimbus.
"Well, here we are at the end of the list. Zap Branagan. I've got a bad feeling about this."
"Wow. The list says he's been asking for you for the last few years, but all he's getting is a mirror and a comb. I'd better go get them." Fry dives in to the sack.
"I know what I'd like to give him; a communicable disease." Distant "Ouch" from Fry in the sack. He crawls out of it, holding on to his leg.
"There's something alive in there. It attacked me!" holds out the mirror and comb. "You're going to have to do this last one. I'm bleeding!"
"Oh no. There is no way I'm leaving this ship."
"But someone's going to have to do it. Benders already on board, drinking himself stupid."
Scene - Leela, dressed as Father Christmas, in Branagans quarters, stuffing the comb and mirror in to the stocking.
Scene - On the ship. Sparks start to fly from the sleigh.
"Argh!. Looks like the sleigh is running out of power. We must have taken too long."
Scene - back in Branagans quarters, the sepia snaps between colour and sepia a few times, ending up in colour. Branagan, in his pyjamas, wakes as Leela's standing there.
"Aha! So, Santa not only granted my wish, but Santa IS my wish. My lovely Leela. Come here my luscious beauty!"
Short chase around the room, culminating in a sudden snap back to sepia. Leela, breathing heavily, relaxes a bit as Zap is now frozen in time again, a lecherous look on his face.
Scene - Fry on top of the ship, has plugged the ships power supply in to the sleigh. "Phew. I don't want to do that again in a hurry."
(over the intercom) "That was too close to call Fry. Time to get back to Planet Express. People are going to start to wake up.
Scene - Down in the sewers, mutant with arm growing out of head empties his stocking and gets a pair of gloves.
Three handed mutant.
"Aw shucks. One glove short. This happens every year.
Looking at pair of socks at his foot "Don't worry. I've got one sock extra if you'd like it."
Three handed mutant.
"Aww... Thanks! Merry Christmas."
Scene - On the brain planet, a brain pulls an encyclopaedia galactica out of its stocking.
Scene - View of Niblonian planet, zooms in on a house and a niblonian gets out of their bunk and walks towards the camera. Camera angle changes to behind the niblonian and looks at the toe of the stocking. The view goes up and up and pulls back to reveal a massive stocking jammed with cows. Cow legs and a couple of heads are visible from the top, while cow bodies writhe in the stocking. Sounds of moos as the camera cuts back to the niblonians face, grinning, and it licks its lips. Camera views house and pulls out to see the niblonian city, to the sounds of gnashing and slurping as the niblonian eats the cows.
Scene - King and his wife of Omicron Persiai 8 wakes to their stockings. He gets single female lawyer series 1 on Digital Video Crystal, while she gets series 2.
Scene - Back in the apartment that Bender broke the window of. The owner is in the foreground, the broken window behind him. He's pulled a glass pane out of the stocking. "Ah! A new pane of glass. Just what I need!"
Scene - Water person take present out and unwraps it. "Water filters. Wonderful!" The water person smiles.
The ship lands in Planet Express again.
"We're home. Disengaging time displacement sleigh." Repeat of the engaging sequence, only this time the world turns from sepia to colour in the camera flash, and the professors hand starts waving again.
Scene - camera angle changes to be behind the Professor, looking on to the ship.
"Goodbye! Oh. Er, I mean, Hello!"
Back at Planet Express around the table.
"Good news everyone. You won't have to do Christmas again next year. They tell me that someone has rescued Santa Clause."
"The bad news is that we're not getting paid as you didn't manage to fullfill the contract."
"What? But we followed the list Professor."
"No, Fry. You didn't. You missed four people."
Scene focuses on fake fire with four empty stockings, each labelled Fry, Leela, Bender and Professor.
Scene - back at moms robot factory, in a scene similar to Robo Cop, when Robo Cop is sitting at his station, the new Robo Santa is sitting and being programmed.
View through Robo Santas eyes...
"System check .... O.K."
"Directive 1 ... Identify those who are naughty and nice."
"Directive 2 ... Give pleasing gifts to the nice."
"Directive 3 ... Terminate the naughty with extreme prejudice."
"Uploading niceness definition table .... UPLOAD FAILURE!"
External view of Robo Santas face as it switches to evil mode and gives a large, evil laugh. "Merry Christmas everybody!"