Fan Fiction

Of Mice and Mensans

(Scene opens on Fry rummaging through a box of gadgets in the Professor's lab. He tosses a few bladed apparatuses aside)

Fry: Aha!

(He triumphantly holds up the target of his quest, an ordinary turkey baster)

Fry: I hope this is what Bender wanted. Maybe it will make. . . whatever this is taste good.

(He picks up a pan of hirsute, unidentifiable meat from a table and continues through the lab. Along the way, he passes a metallic booth, and pauses to look at it)

(Booth Sign: Lambaster 6000)

(Fry looks at the meat in the pan, then his baster, then the sign, then the booth. . . then the meat, then the booth again, then the sign, then the sign. . .)

(Cut to: The bathroom. Amy is reapplying makeup)


(Amy jolts at the noise and makeup smears across her face as a torrent of crashes is heard in the distance)

(Cut to Opening Credits and Music)


(Scene opens on Fry, Leela, and Bender sitting on the couch. Amy is standing, adjusting her make-up with a handheld mirror. Hermes bursts into the room)

Hermes (panicked): Everyone! The Professor's had a stroke!

Fry/Leela/Amy: (gasp!)

Hermes (normal): . . .of genius!

Fry/Leela/Amy: Oh.

(Farnsworth enters, smiling)

Farnsworth: It's true! The idea came to me while I was having a stroke. . .

(A remote control in his left hand drops to the ground as his arm goes limp. He nonchalantly picks it up with his other hand)

Farnsworth: I call it. . . the flux capacitor!

Fry (alarmed): No! No! Not with the time travel again!

Farnsworth (confused): What? They're just ordinary capacitors with special flux built into the leads for efficient soldering.

Leela: Where'd you get that idea Fry?

Fry (befuddled): I don't know. For some reason I thought...uh. . . hmm. . . (He drifts off into thought. Bender snaps him out of it)

Bender (rapping on Fry's head): Hello! McFry! Pay attention!

Farnsworth: Anyhow, you'll be delivering quite a few of them...

(He hits a button, and a ceiling tile slides open. Hundreds of capacitors fall to the ground next to the crew)

Bender: Neat!

Leela: Since when did the ceiling do that?

(Bender grabs the control from the Professor and presses arbitrary buttons, causing random ceiling tiles to slide open, each dropping its contents. A coffin, the obelisk from "2001: A Space Odyssey", then Zoidberg fall to the ground)

Zoidberg (hitting the ground): Oof! Oh no! My loft! My beautiful loft. . . ohh. . . I'll never find another apartment in my price-range.

Fry: What's your price-range?

Zoidberg: Well, zero to. . . uh. . . this. (He produces a claw-full of rotting cheese, possibly Gouda, from his pocket)

Farnsworth: Moving on. . . (he motions for everyone to follow)

(Cut to: The conference table as everyone enters the room)

Farnsworth: You'll be making the delivery to a friend of mine at Mensa. (He hits a button on his remote, activating the holographic projector)

(A star map appears, highlighting the constellation)

Computer: This is Mensa.

Farnsworth: No, stupid! (He kicks the machine)

(The hologram distorts, then fades to a picture of a small terra-formed planet)

Computer: This is also Mensa.

Farnsworth: The planet Mensa, founded in-

Computer: It was an understandable mistake.

Farnsworth (agitated): Founded in 2916 by the most-

Computer: I mean, I have three files labeled Mensa, and-

Farnsworth: Shut up!

(He hits a button on the remote, and the ceiling tile above the machine slides open. A load of bricks and a single feather fall on the mainframe, destroying it. Electronics spark, and the room goes pitch black)

Leela (suspicious): Fry, that had better be Bender checking if I have a wallet to steal. . .

Bender (nonchalant): It is.

Amy: Leela, you carry a wallet? Do you need to borrow one of my purses or something?



Clap! Clap!

(The room becomes illuminated again. We find Leela merely glaring in Amy's direction. Zoidberg is on the ground again and Hermes is nowhere to be seen)

Zoidberg (sad): I landed on my bartering cheese...

Farnsworth: Well, anyway, the planet was founded in 2916 by some of the most intelligent people and heads on Earth. They live a life of enrichment there, away from the feeblemindedness and banality of this planet.

Amy: Bleesh. . . how arrogant can you get?

Farnsworth: Very. So whoever it is that usually goes on these deliveries, try to stay on you smartest behavior.

Fry (impetuous): Check!

(Leela gives Fry a look; he takes a second to notice)

Fry: What? I'll be fine. . .

Leela: Fry, you're the one that managed to swallow your own pants button yesterday.

Fry (dejected): I thought it was candy. . .

Leela: And then you ate the safety pin I gave you to hold the pants together!

Fry (dejected): I thought it was a paper clip. . .

(Cut to: The PE ship; Fry, Leela, and Bender are aboard)

Leela: Alright, let's make this quick. Fry, you're capable of at least feigning competence for a little while, and Bender, your arrogance may actually fit in well there. . .

Fry: Aye, aye captain! Do my glasses make me look more (pause) ear-oo-dite?

(Camera cuts to Fry, wearing bulky glasses and trying to read a dictionary)

Leela: All those glasses do is suggest that you're not going to be able to see with them on, and will probably trip over the console while I'm trying to steer.

Fry: Way ahead of you Leela, there's no lenses!

(Fry tries to indicate this by poking through where the lenses should be, and successfully jabs his eyes in the process)

Fry: AHH! I can't see!

(He stumbles around, and promptly trips over the steering console while Leela is trying to steer)

Leela (regaining control): This is going to be a long day.

Fry (getting up): I'm . . .(flips though his dictionary, and stops to read a page) . . . 'fine.'

Bender: Fry, when are you going to learn that the harder you try, the worse you fail?

Leela: He's right; your best bet is to not try. Just do your job, you'll be OK.

Fry (saddened) Well, alright. I guess I'll try. . .

Leela / Bender: No!

(Cut to: The PE ship arriving at Mensa. A sign reads "Welcome to Mensa, Founded: 54^2 ". The ship lands through the open roof of a science lab, which closes after the ship passes through)

(Leela exits the ship, clipboard in hand, followed by Fry and Bender maneuvering the hover-dolly. She is met by an elderly man, about Wernstrum's age, who has been making his way towards the ship)

Man: Greetings! You must be Leela. I'm Professor Paladine, but you can just call me Dennis.

Leela: OK. . . Dennis. This is the rest of the crew, Fry and Bender. (She indicates each of them. They wave, then go back to the dolly)

Dennis: Nice to meet you. Hey, don't worry about that dolly guys, my staff will take it from here.

Fry (relieved): I like you already.

Leela: Thanks Dennis, just sign here and we'll let you get back to work.

Dennis: What? You're just going to leave? Don't you want to look around? We have quite an impressive planet here. . . marvels beyond your intellect's wildest dreams.

Fry: Eh. . .

Dennis: I'll buy you lunch.

Fry: I'm in.

Bender: Yeah, me too.

Leela: Well. . . I don't see why not.

(The group starts walking through the lab)

Leela: This is very nice of you Dennis. What we've been told about Mensans doesn't seem to be true at all.

Dennis: (chuckles) Heh, they're probably talking about Einstein's head. He hasn't been happy since they raised the speed of light in 2208.

(He points to a nearby blackboard, Einstein's head is staring at it angrily. It reads E =M (C-X)^2 He uses a robotic arm to knock it over)

Dennis: Don't worry Al, the original is still 'relatively' close!

Bender (laughs): It's funny because he's miserable!

Dennis: Oh, and we also reproduced Hitler's brain in a computer. . . I think we may have gotten some bad press for that.

(Cut to an ordinary looking computer; it's unplugged. A label on it reads "Mein Comp")

Dennis: In all fairness, we generally just use it for FreeCell. . .

Leela (undaunted) : Well. . . the Professor has had similar ideas; who are we to judge?

(Cut to: A cafeteria. Fry, Leela, Bender and Dennis are seated, a tray of refreshments is nearby)

Dennis: . . .and that's how we exploited the artificial ecosystem to make food for everyone on the planet.

Leela: Amazing how it all stays in balance, especially since I didn't see any oceans while we approached the planet.

Dennis: Ah, good eye. (He flinches at this faux pas, no one notices) Uh... so yes. Water supply on this planet is low, but not critical. Our technology allows for quick and efficient salvage and redistribution of all of our waste water.

(Fry, taking a big swig of water, catches the meaning of the last exchange. He chokes and pushes his glass away)

Fry: That's disgusting! I can't even think about drinking water anymore... (pause) I'll just have a lemonade. (He grabs a nearby glass of lemonade and chugs it)

(A cell phone rings. Dennis answers)

Dennis: Hello? . . .yeah. . . ..already? I didn't expect that. Alright, alright, I will. Yeah, don't worry about it. See you soon. Bye. (to the crew) I'm sorry guys, I'll have to cancel on the tour, I need to get back to the lab.

Bender: (Pulling empty bag out of chest cavity) But, but. . . the looting! I mean, the learning!

Dennis: You can filch some other time, you're always welcome back. But we really must get going. . .

(Cut to: The lab. Prof. Paladine is leading the crew back to the ship)

Dennis: Well, sorry about this, but when duty calls...

Leela: The important thing is that for once we completed a delivery without a hitch.

Fry: What are you talking about? We hardly ever use the hitch!

Bender (apathetic): Yes, we can safely say that this delivery was a boring waste of time, and absolutely nothing interesting- (double take) Oh some god the ship is gone!

(Camera zooms out. Indeed, the space where the ship was parked is now vacant. Fry runs to where the ship used to be. He picks up a piece of paper on the ground)

Fry: It didn't disappear; it just turned into a note somehow!

Leela (exasperated): Give me that...(She takes the note and reads it) "Dear Planet Express. Intrigued by your ship's unusual engines. Have never seen anything like them, so we borrowed the ship for research. Terribly sorry for any inconvenience. Will return it undamaged by tomorrow. Thanks, the research department.

Fry: What?!

Leela: Dennis, is this true?!

Dennis: It seems so; we Mensans are some mighty curious people, and by our laws we can do just about anything in the name of science. (He stops a nearby researcher) What are your plans for these people while you look at their ship for the next day?

Researcher: I suppose they'll just stay in the lab tonight, we'll set up some cots.

Dennis: Well, OK.

(The researcher continues on his way)

Dennis (to the crew): Nah, don't listen to him. I have a better idea. . .

(Establishing shot of a hotel: Sign reads "Hotel Californium")

(Cut to: Fry, Leela, and Bender in a hallway. Leela puts an electronic key into a slot, and the door unlocks)

Fry (whispering): Please, oh please, oh please please please. . .

(Leela opens the door, revealing a quaint little room with two beds)

Fry: Damn.

Leela: Well, it looks like we're here for at least the day, so we should try to make the best of it.

Fry: Hey, a minibar! (He points to a minibar across the room)

Bender: And a maxi-bar! (Bender hits a button on the wall, and a full bar spins around from the other side of the wall)

Leela (unenthusiastic): Great, drinking. That'll pass the time. . . I'll go get some ice. (she grabs an ice bucket) . . .and remember where we are, guys. Try not to do anything too stupid.

Fry: OK. . .

(Leela exits the room; Fry and Bender look at each other and grin)

Bender/Fry: LAMP FIGHT!

(Each grabs a lamp from a night table and gleefully rears back to throw)

(Cut to: Leela, in the hall)


Bender/ Fry (OS): Ow! (They laugh)

(Leela's eye narrows. She continues on her way)

(Cut to: Leela returning with aforementioned ice. She braces herself before gathering the courage to open the door. She does so, and to her dismay, discovers the remnants of the boys' horseplay. She sighs deeply and tries to shake it off. Fry is on the bed watching TV, and Bender is clearing out the bar)

Fry: Intelligent TV sucks.

Leela: What are you watching?

Fry: I'm not sure. It's kind of like Baywatch, only with more protractors. What took you so long?

Leela: The ice machine wouldn't work until someone flushed a toilet.

Fry (perturbed): Great.

(There is an abrupt knock on the door. Leela opens it, and Dennis is there, a bit out of breath)

Dennis (ill at ease): Oh. Hi guys. I was, just, just checking to see if everything was OK with your room. (pause) And, I see that it is. I'll leave you be. . . (He starts to leave)

Leela: Is, uh, everything alright Dennis?

Dennis: Yeah. . . yeah. . . (regains some poise) I'm sorry. It's, it's been a hectic day for all of us, and I feel bad about what. . . what problems we've caused you. Listen friends, I really need to get back; I just wanted to check in on you; make sure you're settled in. The lab will call in due time.

Fry: What are you working on, anyway?

Dennis: Me, personally? Top secret. OK, seriously, we're trying to genetically modify an oak tree to grow oranges. . . but my attempts so far are fruitless!

(Fry, Leela, and Bender just stare at him)

Dennis: Tough crowd. (he chuckles) See you later. (He exits)

Leela: Odd. . . (She turns to Bender) Bender, easy on the booze, we're going to have to pay for that.

Bender: (Finishing a bottle) What? They owe us after screwing up our day like this. (He starts drinking from a second bottle)

Leela (deadpan): Well, I can't argue with that. . . wait, yes I can. We're in no position to make a claim to anything. Under their law, this is normal, and we at least owe it to Dennis to be good guests.

Fry: Damn straight! (He needlessly opens another bottle and drinks from it, while knocking another bottle to the floor)

Leela: This isn't really what I had in mind. . .

Bender (caustic): What did you expect? A fine evening of friendly repartees while sipping cocktails with the Duke of Old York? Good luck, sister. (He and Fry clink bottles)

Leela (irate): I guess not. (sigh) You guys are hopeless.

Fry: Oh, c'mon, Leela! Have some fun with the gang, like the good ol' days!

Leela (bitter): Yes, the good ol' days, like all those times we've almost died because of you two. . .

Fry (taken aback): What's your problem? Are you still upset about the lamp incident?

Leela (fuming): All I want is for this to be as uneventful as possible! Can't you even act like an adult for less than a day, Fry?

Fry (defensive) : Ohhh, I see what this is about! You care more about looking smart than you do about your friends!

Leela: It's more than that Fry, I just thought that. . .

Fry: I don't have to take this. I'm leaving. You can invite over some Mensans that are more up to your standards. I'll be out. . . uh. . .

Bender: Stepping on rakes?

Fry: Yeah, that. (He storms out)

Leela: (Exasperated moan) Bender, can you at least see my point? Sure, you weren't doing anything outlandish by your standards, but it's the principle of the thing!

Bender: All I know is I just lost my drinking buddy, and someone's gonna have to get him.

Leela: (realization)Yeah. . . we can't go losing Fry in case the lab calls. I'd better stop him.

(She exits, Bender looks on as the door shuts)

Bender: So, were you going to finish this? (He points to the bar) (pause) Good. (He advances on it)

(Cut to: Leela spotting Fry outside of the hotel. He is walking briskly down the sidewalk; Leela jogs to intercept him in front of a "Barnes and Noble Gases")

Leela: Fry, get back here! You can't go running off when we might be called at any time.

Fry: Dennis made it seem like I had plenty of time, but I must have been too stupid to understand him.

Leela (insincere): Look, we both blew this out of proportion. Fry, I'm sorry.

Fry (muttering): Yeah, you'll be sorry. . .

Leela: Fry, c'mon! It's not like I'm going looking to rent a place here. . .

Fry (muttering): Yeah, you'll be rent. . .

Leela: That doesn't even make sense!

(Camera spin to show: A head in a jar on a futuristic bicycle has been watching them)

William Shakespeare's Head (haughty): Technically, it does. And you can't possibly be enjoying the irony as much as I am!

Leela (fed up): Oh, really?

(Leela rather calmly gives Shakespeare's bike a nudge downhill. Taken off guard, he careens off the sidewalk and onto the highway headed downward towards exit 2B. Unable to decide whether to stay on or exit, he slams into the median, and the ensemble randomly bursts into flames)

Leela (earnest): See, Fry? I hate conceitedness as much as you do. And I act irresponsibly sometimes, too, I guess. All I was saying back at the hotel was. . . (she turns) Oh.

(Fry is long gone. Leela sighs, and pauses, unsure of what to do next. Suddenly, there is a roaring thud and rumble from somewhere nearby. Leela looks around to see where it came from, then dashes towards the Hotel Californium)

(Cut to: The hotel hallway. Leela arrives to see the room's door is no longer there. In fact, the room, and only that room has been exploded to pieces. Bender is calmly lying on the rubble with the last surviving drink)

Leela: Bender! What happened here?!

Bender: I don't know! I hadn't even gotten to stealing yet, and out of nowhere some sort of missile blows the whole place up!

Leela: Are you OK?

Bender (Pointing to himself): Nothing breaches this sexy metal shell! (pause) It was hilarious! Everything collapsed! (he laughs)

Leela: How is that funny?!

Bender: Huh?

Leela (sarcastic): I guess I had to be there, right? (awareness) If I was here, I might have died! And I was supposed to be here!

Bender: You're right, that is funnier! (More laughter)

Leela (fearful): We've been set up, Bender. I don't think Dennis is the man we thought he was.

Bender: (gasp) You mean. . . he's a woman? Just when I think I've-

Leela (interjecting): No! Think about it Bender; it all makes sense now! Dennis took us on the tour to get us away from the ship. He brought us back after that phone call and we find the ship gone. Then he moves us to this hotel, and later checks to make sure we're all here, then the place explodes. He tried to kill us!

Bender: Hey now, don't be so hasty. I'm not one for jumping to conclusions. . .

Leela: Bender, you-

Bender (cross): How dare you even suggest that! Anyway, I think you might need to go talk to this gal before you get all freaked out.

Leela: I guess you're right. We need to get to the bottom of this, and Fry's still out there somewhere. . . C'mon Bender, we'd better keep moving.

Bender: You know, I'd really want to if I didn't. You're forgetting something. If what you said is true, they think we're dead! I'm stayin' right here.

Leela (impatient): Fine. You stay here and don't help me. I'll pick you up later assuming I don't die. (she leaves)

Bender (preoccupied): Yeah see you then.

(Bender stretches out on the pile of rubble and takes a sip from his drink)

Bender: Heh-heh. Ahhhh. . . Life is good.

(Cut to: Fry being kicked off of a bus. He lands in a heap on the sidewalk)

Driver: And don't go stealing a ride again, you bum!

Fry: I keep telling you, I don't even know what a metric dollar is!

(The bus drives away)

Fry (dismayed): I can't get anything right today. Maybe Leela was right. . .

(Fry sighs and dusts himself off. He walks down the road a step or two, then notices something nearby)

Fry: Hey, that's the lab we landed in! I wonder what Dennis is up to. . .

(Fry walks past Gauss's Pizza, ("$v2 per slice! Our prices are irrational!") and towards the lab)

(Cut to: Leela walking down the street)

Leela: OK, I just need to get back to the lab. The ship should still be there; maybe I can get a lock on it.

(Leela punches some buttons on her wrist computer)

Wrist Computer: Planet Express ship, 21,202 miles due west.

(Leela stares blankly at her wrist, then turns around and hits a button again)

Wrist Computer: Planet Express ship, 1.3 miles due east.

Leela (dry): Oh, nice one. Everyone's just been so useful today.

Wrist Computer: Turanga Leela's Tetris high scores. . . deleted.

Leela (saddened): Ohh. . . (she starts walking)

(Cut to: Bender, relaxing on the pile of rubble)

Bender (singing): They all love Bender! B-E-N-Der! Ben-D-E-R! Bender! Everyone! B-E-N-D-E-R! Now in Spanish! (pause) B-E-N-D-E-R!

(Cut to: Fry, arriving at the lab's side entrance. He tries the door, but finds it locked)

Fry: Damn.

(He climbs up a flight of stairs to what appears to be a fire escape on the second floor. He tries this door, and it is also locked)

Fry: Damn!

(He runs back down the stairs to the door that he started at, and tries to open it again)

Fry: Damn! There's no way in! (He thinks) Unless. . .

(He climbs the flight of stairs to the fire escape door. He tries the door, which opens easily, and casually enters)

(Cut to: Fry walking down a hallway. He nonchalantly grabs a lab coat and a clipboard from a stack that reads, "All scientists must wear lab coat and fervidly carry a clipboard")

Fry: (looking at the unfamiliar surroundings) Ugh... I'm never gonna find Dennis. . .

Scientist 1 (off screen; shouting): Hey! Wait!

Fry: Uh-oh. (He dives into the nearby cartful of lab coats) (Pleased) Heh-heh. He'll never find me in this hiding spot right next to where he just saw me.

(Camera zooms out; the scientist, staring at his clipboard, walks right past the cart to talk to another scientist slightly further down the hall)

Scientist 1: Sorry to bother you, but, uh, (he looks around) has everything been taken care of?

Scientist 2: Boss says we're all ready, Norman. The ship's been modified, and the interlopers have been neutralized.

Norman: Excellent, then all that is left is to announce the plans to the rest of the lab.

Scientist 2: How do you think they will react to the news?

Norman: Earth is but a typo in the thesis of this universe, Gene. We are simply the spellchecker.

Gene: What?

(Norman points to a nearby sign that reads, "Please only use metaphors while discussing any evil plans")

Gene: Oh right. Well, if anything, it will be a large step forward in military science. Just imagine; a mobile device that can completely eradicate a planet, but leaves no trace of it at all. There's a large market for something that convenient.

Norman: Indeed. It's our largest marketable undertaking since the development of the off-topical cream. We'll be rich, and carry out certain plans for the ignorant people of Earth in the process! (He starts laughing, and begins to leave) I'll see you at the unveiling!

(Norman heads back past Fry's cart, as Gene exits through a door. A beat. Fry pops his head out of the cart)

Fry: Oh no! Some secret evil science club is going to fix Earth's spelling. . . or something. Now I really need to find Dennis, he'll know what to do!

(Fry leaps left out of the cart, forcing the wheeled container to roll to the right. The camera follows it until it catches up with a still chuckling Norman, and bumps him down a flight of stairs. He falls off camera)

*smack* tumble-tumble *THUD*

Norman (off camera): Oh great. Now I'm unconscious. . .

(Cut to: Bender, on the pile of rubble. His drink is now empty)

Bender (singing): . . .1100100 bottles of beer on the wall, 1100100 bottles of beer! If Bender were to drink just one and not all, 1100011 bottles of beer on the wall! (he stops) . . .this bites. (he gets up)

(Cut to Fry: He is further along, slinking through the hallways. He happens upon a closed door with the name plate: "Prof. Dennis Paladine")

Fry: Yes! I made it! And no one's the wiser! Well, I guess they're all wiser, but the point is that I haven't yet made them even wiser. But then, do I ever make anyone wiser? (He blinks sharply at his own confusion) Anyway, no one knows I'm here at least.

(Cut to: A stairwell. Scientists are collecting around a dazed man lying at the bottom of the stairs)

Gene: What happened here?

Scientist: Something's amiss. Norm was just knocked down the stairs!

Gene: That is odd. A norm should never fall along the gradient! (He chortles)

Scientist: Shut up, Eugene. . .

(Cut back to Fry: He opens the door without as much as a knock, and spies Dennis facing away from him mixing chemicals at a counter)

Fry: Dennis! Thank God I found-

(Dennis wheels around, and nearly pales at the sight of Fry)

Dennis (shocked): Fry?! But I thought. . . I thought you. . .

Fry: You have to help me! Some bad scientists are planning something evil and I think it involves Earth.

Dennis (austere): (pause) I know.

Fry: Oh, good! Then by now. . .wait, what?!

(Cut to: The pile of hotel rubble, and only the hotel rubble. Bender has apparently abandoned it)

(Time lapse cut to Leela: she has arrived at the lab, but has opted for the front entrance)

Leela (Now at the front door, prepping herself): OK, you don't have to fight your way through. Stay cool, and outsmart them using that science you learned in school. . .

(Leela opens the door to discover one lone sentinel, and an otherwise empty lobby. Leela strides assertively towards the guarded entrance. The guard steps in front of her)

Guard: Excuse me ma'am, but-

(Of course, by now, Leela is already in midair)

Leela (in kicking motion): Hee-

(Time Freeze. White text appears over the scene with a friendly Ding sound)

Newton's First

Leela (As her foot hits his face): -ya!

(Time Freeze. DING!)

Newton's Second

(The guard flies back into the wall)

Guard: Oof!

(Time Freeze. DING!)

Newton's Third

(He slides down the wall, a trickle of drool escaping his mouth)

(Time Freeze. DING!)

Newton's Fourth

(Leela enters the lab area and hurriedly scans the deserted hallways)

Leela: Where is everybody?

(She rushes on)

(Cut to: The pile of hotel rubble. An ornate card table rests precariously on the debris, along with four folding chairs. Bender is seated, bedecked with an X-ray monocle, surrounded by 3 other robots reminiscent of 3CP0's design)

Bender (Faux British king accent): I thank you gentlemen for joining me, distinguished ambassador to Mensa, for a friendly diversion before my meeting. Spontaneous accommodation failure be darned, when life gives you Linux, make Linux-ade, I always say!

Robots 1, 2 and 3 (simultaneous): Too true! Here, here! Agreed!

Robot 2: Pardon me, good Sir; what planet did you say you were ambassador from again?

Bender (Off guard): Uh, that planet of extremely intelligent robots of course. . . Deep Blue. . . Something. Place your bets!

(Time lapse cut to: Dennis. He is at his lab, facing away from the door again, mixing two colored liquids. He puts them down, and picks up a cookie)

(Time Freeze. DING!)

Fig Newton

(He eats it, and then gets back to work. Suddenly, a rather angry Leela bursts into the room)

Leela (charging at Dennis): Alright, Dennis! Start talking! What's the plan?! Homicide? Genocide? Barbicide? Tell me! (She now has him by the collar)

Dennis: Leela, you have it all wrong! Just-

Leela: We'll see about that. Now tell me, tell me now!

Dennis: What do you want?

Leela: I want the truth!

Dennis (menacing): The truth?! You can handle the truth!

Leela (delighted): Oh, good. (she puts him down)

Dennis: Here's what's happening as far as I can tell. A small faction of scientists composed mainly of my superiors is putting its plan into motion today. They're preparing to destroy Earth using a new "scientific breakthrough" weapon, because they've deemed Earth deplorable. Today is the day they reveal themselves and their scheme to the rest of the lab, and unfortunately, I predict little resistance, as most Mensans will be eager to see the new technology tested. Also, most are natives and have only seen Earth's culture via reality TV and infomercials.

Leela (grave): We're doomed!

Dennis: Exactly. (sigh) Mensa. . . it started as a proposal to get away from the politics and distances that held back our research on Earth, and has turned into a dark grudge. . . bigotry even. It sickens me. They can't go out and declare war, but if it's in the name of science it's. . .

Leela (Remembering her intentions): Hold it! Don't try to fool me! You're behind this too! You're the one who ordered the parts from us, let them steal our ship, and then tried to kill us!

Dennis (trying to be calm): No. . . no. . .wait. You have to hear me out. Yes, I brought you here. But I had no choice, I was threatened. I was forced to. Trust me; I'd rather see them all dead than put Earth in jeopardy. I was born on Earth; it's my home. These people are too tunnel-visioned to realize what 'home' means to some people.

Leela: Then why did you set us up at the hotel?! You've been leading us towards death all day.

Dennis (no longer calm): Listen! I've been the only thing keeping you from death all day. They would have killed you at the ship if I hadn't escorted you away, they would have killed you at the lab if I hadn't dragged you to a hotel, and the reason I ran my old wrinkled behind to the hotel to check on you was because I was actually concerned. All at my own personal risk. I didn't know if the faction had found out where you were, if I should try to move you somewhere else, if I should tell you about what I had learned and put my own life in danger. . .

(He takes a deep breath, pausing to look Leela straight in the eye)

Dennis (anguished): When I saw you three status quo at the hotel, I suddenly felt that all my anxiety had been unnecessary. I felt. . . dumb. Perhaps. . .perhaps I had done a good job of covering your tracks. I could keep you safe and make it look like I was still doing my job until I sabotaged them. But I was wrong. . . they found you.

Leela: Dennis-

Dennis (candid): Look, I'm sorry I've put you through this, and maybe I would have had the guts to defy my superiors sooner if I had known things would turn out this way. But right now, as long as you're here, you've got to put your suspicions behind you and either help me or stay out of my way. They've been busy preparing their presentation, and now everyone but a few guards and I are in the main hall. Just recently I finally got some time alone in my lab, and I think I've found the solution. . .

Leela: You already have a way out of this?

Dennis (sarcastic): No, I found a beaker of salt water. . .

Leela (slightly sympathetic): I don't know what to say. . . this is all so confusing. . . and I still don't know where Fry is. . .

Dennis: Oh, Fry? He stopped by a little while ago; our exchange was somewhat more tranquil than this one. I've already put him to use; he's going to try to buy me some time. . .

(Cut to Fry: He is sitting in the front row of the large presentation hall, still with lab coat and clipboard. One lone scientist is speaking to the audience. He speaks from the stage, a large sheet covering something in the shape of the PE ship behind him)

Speaker: And so, to conveniently recapitulate the specifics for anyone not paying attention before, by rerouting some of the power from the universe distortion drive in each engine while inverting the polarity of the left engine, we are able to create two antithesis-continuum beams. When these beams are fired from the weapon, the point where they cross will cause a small patch of space-time to move in an opposite direction than itself, thus creating a hole of 5th dimensional proportions, causing whatever lies within the Schwarzenegger radius to fall "through" the gap, eliminating it forever!

(The audience bursts into applause, as does Fry, though apprehensively)

(Cut back to Leela and Dennis; Dennis has connected a valve to a large canister and is siphoning the contents of his beaker into it)

Leela: OK, so that canister is some sort of super-laughing-gas, but I still don't get why you're adding that stuff to it.

Dennis: Sorry, I didn't explain everything too well, did I? Though your idea of murdering my entire company to save Earth came to mind, I thought a much more nonviolent plan would be easier on me and my conscience. So, the laughing gas is to incapacitate them while you and Fry steal the ship. Keys should still be in the ignition.

Leela: Yeah, but then what is. . .

Dennis: It's a catalyst I just developed that will bind the gas to this fine powder I smuggled out from another lab. (He points to a large drum on a dolly covered in a sheet. A pipe protrudes from the folds) I feared the gas would disperse too much in the auditorium, but now it will fall straight onto the crowd, where its effect will be greater.

Leela: And you really think this will work?

Dennis: Well, I haven't worked out all the possible outcomes. . .But I figure there's just as good of a chance of us failing as there is of them failing. You know what they say, even the best laid plans of mice and Mensans gang aft agley. . . (He connects the canister to the drum of powder and begins wheeling the ensemble away)

(Cut back to the auditorium: The speaker grips the sheet covering the PE Ship)

Speaker: And now, our completed brainchild, the antithesis-continuum gun!

(He yanks the sheet off of the form, exposing the PE ship, pipes running from each engine to a mounted apparatus on the top of the ship. This unit is connected to a cannon on either side of the vessel, both of which face forward)

Fry (without an iota of sarcasm): (gasp) It's our ship!

(Applause yet again fills the room, and the speaker quiets them)

Speaker: Now, if the short, informative video we showed earlier has taught you all anything, I think you know what the first test target will be!

Scientist 1: He means Earth!

Scientist 2: Earth must be destroyed in the name of science!

Scientist 3: Little Billy must die!

Speaker: Correct! And it shall be done. Now, unless anyone has any comments or objections, we can all get back to work. . .

(A brief pause; no one stirs. Fry timidly rises)

Fry (nervous): Uh. . . I demand the floor! I mean. . . the stage.

(He fumbles his way onto stage)

Speaker: Yes?

Fry (faux polite/intelligent): Oh, thank you. (He grabs the microphone, and proceeds to read from his hand) Would you kindly take a seat? There are a few potential scientific inconsistencies I'd like to point out; I believe you'll be very interested in them.

Speaker (arrogantly skeptical): Heh, go for it. (As he climbs off the stage and takes Fry's seat) This I'd like to see. . .

Fry (realizing he has no speech planned): Uh. . . many scientists of Mensa. . .

Scientist (cutting in): Hey, just who are you, anyway?

Fry: Me? I'm. . . I'm. . . profess- . . .no. . . doctor! Dr. Philip-

Scientist (puzzled): You're Dr. Phil?!

Fry: Huh? Doctor who?

Scientist 2: You're Dr. Who?!

Fry: Dr. Who? No!

Scientist 3: You're Dr. No?!

Fry: Who?

Scientist 3: Not Who, No!

Fry: Know who?

Scientists: What?

Fry: Oh, forget it! It's not important. I'm here because I think this entire plan is a great mistake. Now, correct me if I'm right, but are not all living things precious in their own precious way? Now, I'm not one to criticize those smarter than me. . . but killing someone or some planet just because he, she, or it isn't as smart as you or your smart planet isn't the smartest thing to do. I mean, I know Earth has many faults, but. . .

(Cut to: Dennis and Leela. Their makeshift device is hooked to the ventilation system; Leela is hooking the gadget to a main vent, while Dennis works a control panel near the central unit, next to a couple of comatose guards)

Dennis (pleased): The brilliance behind this is that I can turn on only the vents over the seats, and not the stage. If Fry's done his part all should go perfectly.

Leela: We're all set.

Dennis: Diversion away! (He hits a button)

(Cut back to the auditorium: A light powder falls like a trace snow onto the engrossed audience of scientists; a few chuckle as Fry continues rambling)

Fry: But Earth isn't just about people, it has its own echo-system. With birds, and roaches, and maggots, and fishes, and octopuses- . . .uh. . . octopi. . . and birds. . .

(Several scientists are now laughing) So even if Earthicans are stupid, you can't just destroy it because you think we're all doofuses- uh... doofi. (The giggles have spread throughout the hall, becoming louder as they do) And we're not all like me, there are plenty of smart people. . . inventors, teachers, mastermind criminals. . . we have them all. Is this getting through to you people?

(Fry looks at the crowd, now in hysterics, and stops. Leela, futuristic gasmask employed, surges through the auditorium door and into the winterish chemical flurry. She signals for Fry to head for the ship, while proceeding in that direction herself, stepping over the scientists rolling in the aisles. The two board the ship which, after a brief pause, takes off straight through the roof, the new weapon acting as a convenient battering ram)

(Cut to: The infamous pile of hotel rubble. Bender has clearly had another streak of phenomenal luck, as he has amassed all of the robots' money, and then some. In the background, the PE ship lands next to what used to be a wall; Leela bolts out and runs to the heap of debris)

Leela: Bender- (she notices the gathering) How the hell... forget it. C'mon! We have to get back to Earth!

Robot 1: Earth?

Robot 2: How dreadful!

Robot 3: You mean you're not the intelli-bot you said you were?

Bender: Oh, of course I am, I just work there. However, I really must be off now, but before I leave I do suggest that you masticate upon my reflective metal posterior! (He grabs his spoils and takes off, leaving only his accent behind) So long, suckers!

(Leela and Bender board the vessel, which promptly takes flight, leaving the three robots penniless on the amassment of scrap)


Robot 1: What a charming young gentleman!

Robots 2 and 3 (simultaneous): Indeed! Quite!

(Cut to: Several hours later. The PE ship is landing at the PE Building. Fry, Leela, and Bender exit the ship as the Professor enters the hangar)

Professor (angry): There you are! I've been waiting forever for you deadbeats to get back! Don't think you're getting any overtime for your lollygagging around-

(He notices the ship's new modification)

Professor (giddy): Ooh-hoo-hoo! You brought me a souvenir! It's beautiful! Thank you! (He hugs Bender, then prances around the ship like a schoolgirl)

(Fry, Leela, and Bender slowly back away, and exit the hangar)

Fry: Ugh, what a day. . .

Bender (chest compartment open, counting his winnings): I had fun, how about you guys?

Leela (serious): Not really. Listen, Fry, about what happened earlier-

(Just then, Amy and Zoidberg boisterously enter the room)

Amy (excited): I can't believe we got out of that one, John!

Zoidberg: Well, I owe it all to you; you are always with the quick thinking you are!

Amy (laughing): Aw, you're too kind. . .(she lightheartedly punches his shoulder)

Professor (entering): Oh, you're back? Did you bring back the supplies for the new Lambaster?

Zoidberg: We did!

Hermes: And what's with this new found happiness? Earlier today you two were nearly ostracizin' each-otha!

Amy: Well, it started off as a normal trip to the store, but then all this crazy stuff happened!

Zoidberg: We had to work as a team to get out of the mess, and once we did, how could I stay mad at the girl?

Fry: Looks like Amy and Zoidberg learned an important lesson about the meaning of friendship and teamwork today.

(Everyone exchanges knowing glances and affirmative grunts)

Leela: C'mon, let's all watch TV!

Fry: Yeah!

Everyone: Alright! Great!

Amy: (checks her watch) Hey! "All My Circuits" in on in 7 minutes. Let's all meet at the couch then!

Everyone: Great! Marvelous! I'll be there.

(The Professor exits with Zoidberg and Amy, followed by Hermes. Fry and Bender head towards the TV while Leela decides to follow the rest. As Leela reaches the doorway, the phone rings. She turns back, deciding to answer it, and finds it has caught Bender and Fry's attention as well. She answers the call)

Leela: Hello?

Dennis: Oh good, you're back! Made good time I see. I was just making sure you three got in OK.

Leela: Yup. No problems. Uh. . . Dennis, are you still at your lab?

Dennis: Yeah, it's a bit risky, but I think I've got it all figured out. I locked the three unconscious guards in a closet, and you're the only one they saw. The rest didn't know I was involved, so I can claim I was in the auditorium during all the commotion. No one will be able to prove if I was there or not, and they'll assume you and Fry had no inside help!

Leela: That does sound pretty risky.

Dennis: I know. Well, I've been holed up in my lab for the last several hours, and no one's come by yet. I think I may be in the clear.

Leela: That's good, but what about all that stuff we used? They can trace it back to you.

Dennis: This stuff? (He signals the dolly, drum, and canister by him) Nah. . . it's all pretty standard lab paraphernalia. Gas canisters, drums of powder on dollies, all very common in this field. . . having them here isn't incriminating, though I should detach them now that you mention it.

(Dennis removes the gas canister from the dolly, and goes to put it down. He double takes)

Leela: What is it?

Dennis(flummoxed): This isn't what I thought it was at all. . . this is just. . . oxygen!

Fry: Is that a bad thing?

Dennis: Well. . . not really, but don't you see what this means?

Fry: No. . .

Dennis: My coworkers couldn't have been laughing because of my chemical. . . they had to be laughing on their own accord. . .(he thinks) possibly at the sheer erroneousness of your speech!

(Fry gasps, while Bender bursts into laughter)

Fry: What?!

Bender: Way to go buddy, you finally found a way to save the day!

(Leela holds back laughter through a clenched jaw)

Fry (despondent): No! No! It can't be! . . .can it?

(A pause, Dennis looks at them soberly, then a smirks a bit)

Dennis (guffawing): Nah, you're right. I'm just kidding!

(The crew stares at the screen)

Dennis (smiling): Ha-ha! I had you all going for a minute there!

Fry (confused relief): You mean. . . they weren't laughing at me?

Dennis: Nope, it was all mine, and Leela's, doing. I wouldn't be so absent-minded as to not double-check that I had the right gas to mix with this powder.

(He lightly kicks the drum of powder, dislodging the sheet from atop it. While Dennis resumes chuckling, the sheet slides to the ground, displaying, in small letters, the words "Kill Powder")

Dennis (Still giddy before noticing): Heh-heh . . . heh. . . heh. . . ohhhh. . .

Leela: Does that say what I think-

Dennis (solemn): Mmm-hmm

Leela (catching on): And so then. . .

Dennis (solemn): Mmm-hmm

Fry (wary): No way, he's just trying to trick us again. . . (nervous). . .isn't he?

Dennis (in shock): No. No. . . we just kill-dusted my entire company. . .

(The crew and Dennis gape at each other, at a loss for words. Fry finally breaks the silence)

Fry: Oh. . .well uh. . . do you think they're OK?

Dennis: No.

Bender (stoic): Well, thems the breaks, eh? (lights cigar)

Leela: Bender!

Dennis (suddenly aware of his predicament): I . . .um. . . I need to get out of here. Uh. . . hey. . . if I were to order a space taxi now. . . you wouldn't mind putting me up for a while would you?

Leela: Well-

Bender (To Leela): Hon, this place has been puttin' up criminals since about 4 years ago, (To Dennis) don't worry about it, Dennis... your kind is always welcome here. (He goes back to smoking and counting money)

Dennis (Sad/uneasy): Um. . . thanks.

Leela: We really owe you one Dennis. You saved us; try not to be so hard on yourself. We'd be happy to have you here.

Fry: And I'm sure the Professor won't mind seeing you, right?

Dennis (morose): Well, thanks. I'm. . . I'm going to try to abscond before those three guards come out of the closet. . .

(Fry chuckles immaturely)

Dennis: . . .see you later. (He hastily hangs up)

Leela: Wow, poor guy. . . I hope he makes it here OK.

Fry: Yeah. (stretching his arms serenely) Well. . . I guess eeeeeeverything turned out-

Leela (clamping Fry's mouth shut): Don't even say it! (She walks away, vexed)

Fry (agitated): What? (Bender tosses him a beer. He rubs his jaw and heads for the TV)