Metal Gear Solid 3: Sons of Stupidity
By Johnny Vanda
Caption: Dont forget to buy MGS3: SOS action figures!
Voice: Due to the length of todays football game, we now join Futurama
already in progress.
Big Boss: ...is it! All right, men! Our time is now! Well attack at dawn!!
Voice 2: HEY!!! Im tired of this pre-empted crap! Rewind it and show
us the whole thing, or Ill beat you over the head with a lead pipe!!!!!!
Suddenly the screen rewinds at a super-charged rate. Within seconds, were
at the beginning. We now see the PE building, and according to the calendar, it's
June 5th, 3007. Bender is on the couch with Fry, watching TV.
And dont forget to buy Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons Of Liberty
The professor walks in.
Professor: Good news everyone! Id like to show you my latest invention!
Bender: Whats it do, pops?
Professor: See for yourself! To the laboratory!
About 3 hours later, The professor finally reaches the lab.
Professor: This device allows you to see what will happen in the future!
Leela: Does it work?
Professor: Does it work! What kind of a stupid question is that? Of course
it doesnt work!
Fry: Then whyd we have to come and see it?
Professor: See what?
Fry: The Futuramatizer.
Professor: Ah yes! The Futuramatizer! It works perfectly!
Professor: Now Fry, press the big red button.
Fry goes up to a keyboard on the Futuramatizer. It has various buttons: the
biggest one is a big red one that says start; the one next to it is
a blue button that says self-destruct. Fry presses the blue button.
Sirens go off and the professor is angry.
Professor: You idiot! Press the override button!!!
Fry: Let's see, uh.
He sees a button that says override, and presses it. The sirens
Fry: Phew! Hey, what are these buttons?
He presses random buttons and finally opens some sorta portal.
Leela: What is that?
But no one answered Leelas question, as she was sucked in.
Then Bender was sucked in.
Fry: BENDER!? LEELA!?
And finally Fry is sucked in, and the portal then closes. We now see Fry, sitting
on top of Bender, who is sitting on top of Leela.
Leela: Get off me!
Fry: Hey guys?
Fry: According to this calendar, its June 5th.
Fry: June 5th, 3056.
Leela: You're kidding!!!! Please tell me you're kidding!
Fry: Im kidding.
Leela: Are you just saying that?
Leela looks at the calendar, and faints.
Fry: Leela? (Snaps fingers) Leela?
Fry stopped when he heard talking outside. He looked to see two men, one looked
a lot like John, except longer hair, he was wearing black pants and no shirt.
The other was, was, him! He looked exactly like Fry, dressed in a brown trench
coat, black boots, brown pants, a white business shirt with a tie, and the face,
it looked just like Fry, except he had an eyepatch on his right eye. In one word,
tasteless; in two, awful dresser; in three, no fashion sense; Ill stop there.
Fry couldnt hear what they were saying, so he asked Bender to help.
Fry: Bender, I need to know what theyre saying!
Bender: No problemo.
He takes a microphone and points it at Future Fry and Future John.
Future Fry: Alright Fox, the time draws near.
Future Frys voice was much deeper and sounded more evil than normal Frys.
Future John: Yes Sir, boss.
Johns was exactly the same.
Future Fry: Grey Fox! What have I said about calling me boss?
Grey Fox: Dont.
Future Fry: Very good, what should you call me?
Grey Fox: Big Boss.
Big Boss: Good, now get to work!
Grey Fox: Yes Big Boss!
Big Boss gets out a cell phone like thingy and dials a number. After a few
seconds, he starts talking to who ever is on the phone.
Big Boss: How are things in there?
Bender cranks up the volume so they can hear the person on the cell phone thing.
????: Things here Big Boss? Going better than we planned.
Big Boss: (Very loud, because of Benders volume tuning) Good Wolf, now
be ready, Ill be there in say, five minutes.
Wolf: Good, Big Boss, Ill be waiting for you, Sir.
Big Boss: Excellent.
He walks off in the opposite direction of our friends, his trench coats
bottom flies up in the air from how fast hes walking. Leela just now comes
Leela: Whats going on?
Fry: We got thrown into the future, remember?
Leela: I hoped that was just a dream.
Bender: Nope, and we got to see Frys future self; still no fashion sense.
Leela: Whatd he look like?
Fry: Lets see, hes dressed in a brown trench coat, black boots,
brown pants, a white business shirt with a tie, and he has an eyepatch on his
Leela: Nice description.
They start walking in the direction Big Boss went. They are on a bridge connecting
two buildings, below them is what looks like a bottomless pit.
Leela: What a great place to build a... what is this place anyway?
Fry: Beats me.
Suddenly, a cyborg ninja jumps down right in front of them.
Cyborg Ninja: (Cyborg voice) This place? This is Outer Heaven.
Cyborg Ninja: Yes, a very stupid name, but Big Boss named it. As I always say,
stupid people think up stupid names.
Leela: Who are you?
Cyborg Ninja: Just call me Ninja.
Leela: All right Ninja, whats going on here?
Ninja: This facility was build to house the production of Metal Gear.
Fry: Metal Gear? Thats a video game from my time! I thought Outer Heaven
Ninja: I know all about that game, its a pretty good game. Ive
played and beaten it. All four of them.
Fry: Musta made one after I was frozen.
Leela: What is Metal Gear?
Fry: Its a
Ninja: Your old Metal Gear knowledge is useless here. It is a weapon that can
fire a nuclear missile from any point in the universe, a nuclear equipped flying
battleship. That's the basics of it; its really quite complicated.
Ninja gives them each something.
Ninja: Correct, put them in you ear and we can communicate, as for the robot,
install it in his brain, only you will be able to hear it. If you need to contact
me, my frequency is 140.98. So long.
The Ninja jumps high off and lands on the other side of the walkway, then runs
into a building and vanishes.
Leela: Oh great, thisll be fun.
Leela: I was being sarcastic, stupid!
Leela: All I know is that this is not going to be easy, right Fry?
Fry: Ha dont call me Fry anymore, I am now Solid Snake.
Leela: Thats what you said during the SP thing.
Solid Snake: So?
Bender: Is that all you people say?
Guard: Will you people shut up! Were trying to work here!
We now see the gang heading to the other side of the bridge. When they finally
reach the other side, and go in the building, there are guards patrolling the
Leela: All right, Bender, you distract them, so I can kick their asses. And
Fry, you hide somewhere.
Fry: Call me Solid Snake!
Bender: Give it up, Fry.
Fry runs off into a room nearby, Bender walks out in front of the guard and
distracts them, while Leela makes her way behind them.
Bender: Hey stupids!
Guard 1: What the hell?!
Guard 2: Get him!
Leela kicks Guard 1 in the face and he goes down. Guard 2 is about to shoot
her, when Bender hits him in the head with a brick.
Bender: Another job well done.
Leela: Wheres Fry?
Fry: (OS) Over here! Its an armory!
Leela: Good, we need some weapons.
Bender and Leela walk in to find one hell of an armory! Filled with every weapon
you could imagine. Hey youre the one imagining, you think of whats
in there, Im too busy writing the story to think up good names.
Fry: Wow! They have everything: sneaking suits, ray guns, wigs!
Leela: Wigs? Why would they need that?
Fry: Who cares, lets stock up.
After about, say uh, 20 minutes, they are all stocked up. They look a little
different, too. Bender looks basically the same, except he has guns in holsters
on his waist, and ammo strapped to his body. Leela just has a leather jacket to
go with her assortment of guns and ammo. Fry has a new look, he now has a blue
trench coat, ammo and guns, same pants, same white shirt, that's about it. Now
our friends are on their way, except for one fact: they have no idea where they
are, or where to go. So, they need someone who knows the place inside and out.
Since they know no one like that, theyll call the Ninja see what it has
to say. A codec screen (Very familiar to Metal Gear Solid 1 or 2 players) pops
Leela: Were lost.
Ninja: That just might be a problem.
Leela: Stop saying that!
Ninja: You should find Cubert, he will help you.
Fry: Cuberts here?
Leela: Where is he?
Ninja: He should be in Cell Block C, solitary confinement station 4521, in
the Prison Building.
Ninja: Hes in the big building north of you, in C level, solitary.
Fry: Which way's north?
Ninja: Fine, hes through the big red door, in level C, solitary.
The codec screen closes, ands our friends move on. They go through the big
red door, and outside of it is another bridge, this time over a river. They look
outside the river to see another person there, its a woman, dressed in a
blue trench coat similar to Frys. She has a sniper rifle on her back, and
is talking to someone on a radio; once again Benders microphone comes into
????: All right, Big Boss, everything is in order.
Big Boss: Excellent, Wolf, our time is now.
Wolf: Will you please stop saying that?
Big Boss: No. Now, get back here, we have word theyve broken past the
armory, which means theyll be on you soon.
Wolf: Whatever, Im on my way.
She leaves to the west. The bridge is made of metal and goes in three different
directions, one to the armory, one to the prison, and one to who knows where.
Fry, Leela, and Bender head towards the prison. When they get there, they find
a locked door.
Bender: Stand back, meatbags, Ill take care of this.
A short while later, our friends are sneaking through the prison. A big sign
near them says theyre in Cell Block A. They take the elevator down. When
they get down, they find a guard and think theyre dead.
Guard: What are you doing here?
Guard: I mean, what are you doing here, Sir.
Leela: (To Fry) You idiot! He thinks you're Big Boss. After all you are!
Fry: Uh, Oh yeah! (To guard) Does it really matter what Im doing down
Guard: No Sir, I was just wondering!
Fry: Well stop wondering, and take me to Cubert!
Guard: Right away Sir! (Salutes) Follow me.
A minute later theyre at Cuberts cell. The guard unlocks it.
Fry: Good, now go.
Guard: Right away, Sir!
The guard leaves, the camera stays with him, after a minute he gets back to
Voice: Why were you not at your post?
Guard: Oh, Grey Fox, I was taking Big Boss to Cubert.
Grey Fox: What!?
Guard: He came and demanded to see Cubert.
Grey Fox: Impossible!
Guard: He looked just like him, he has two others with him: a robot, and a
Grey Fox: Bender, Leela, hmmm. (Gets out radio) Sir!
Big Boss: What?
Grey Fox: Code Alert 3-25.
Big Boss: 3-25? Hmmm, theyre the intruders. Put all sections on alert.
Grey Fox: Yes Sir.
Meanwhile, back in the year 3007, the professor is tinkering with the Futuramatizer.
Professor: Eureka! I fixed it!
Amy: So, what happened to them?
Professor: Lets see, apparently they went into the year 3056.
Professor: All we can do is watch them, all right; theyre meeting with
the future Cubert right now.
Professor: Yes, you, well, you got a nose job.
Cubert: Cool, can we watch?
The Professor presses a button and it is shown on a huge video screen. Back
in the year 3056, they open the door to see Cubert, who looks exactly like Fry,
except all his hair is white, and his voice is different, and like the professor
said, he got a nose job. He had The Solidus Snake outfit, weird blue cape thingy
and that super suit, instead of U.S. Army on it, it said FOXHOUND.
Cubert: Greetings, I have been expecting you.
Fry: Hi Cubert.
Cubert: No, Im not Cubert anymore, I am now, Solidus Snake (SS).
SS: Now, you need to know how to get to Metal Gear?
SS: All you have to is
(Loud sirens go off)
Fry: Are those good sirens?
SS: You ever know a siren to be good? Theyve spotted us! Lets get
They start running and finally come to a door.
SS: In here! Its the employees lounge.
They go in, and no one is in there.
Fry: Shouldnt there be employees here?
SS: The soldiers never get breaks, this place is always deserted.
Leela: That explains all this dust.
SS: Theyll never look in here. Even thinking about coming in here is
Leela: Wheres Metal Gear?
SS: You cut right to the chase, in the Metal Gear storage building, duh! Look
at one of the maps.
Leela: Of course!
SS: Ive got to go, find that Otacon guy, hell tell you how to destroy
the thing. Do you have codec?
SS: My frequency is 140.46.
SS runs off, leaving the gang to find Otacon, the codec screen flies up again.
Leela: Do you know someone called Otacon?
Ninja: Yes, he was taken prisoner to create Metal Gear for Big Boss.
Leela: Do you know where he is?
Leela: Maybe SS will know.
The Ninja vanishes and SS takes its place.
Leela: Where is Otacon?
SS: The Labs.
SS: Check the map.
The codec screen goes away, and our friends leave the employees lounge.
They find a map just outside, and find where Otacon is. They head in that direction,
and hear a guards radio.
Radio: Return to your positions, stay alert.
They sneak past the guard and out of the prison. They get on the three-way
connecting bridge, and see that Grey Fox is waiting for them.
Grey Fox: I knew you would try to get to that Otacon weirdo, so I waited for
Leela: Hey look!
Grey Fox: What?
He looks over the bridge and Leela kicks him off of it.
Grey Fox: NNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
He falls into the river, and doesnt surface.
Leela: That was easy.
They go into the building Wolf went into earlier; it turns out to be a spaceship
Leela: According to the map, we go into a field and go through a big door,
and well be in the Nuclear Weapons Storage Building/Labs where Otacon is.
After about, 2 minutes, they are in the building, after a short elevator ride
theyre down in the labs. The floor is electrified in the next room.
Leela: How are we gonna get past?
Fry: Hmmm, (Looks at Nikita) perfect. (Punches glass wall between him and the
off/on switch for the electric floor) OWW!!!!
While Fry is rubbing his bleeding hand, Leela turns the electric floor off,
and the gas too. They walk through, not seeing SS, hiding in another room. When
they go into more of the labs, he gets on the elevator and leaves. Our friends
walk through a room, and then into another room, then into a hallway of
a clean nice hallway. They can hear talking in the next room. They go in to see
Ninja talking to who is probably Otacon.
Ninja: Good! Youre here.
Leela: What are you doing here?
Ninja: I had to fight off an old friend.
Leela: Whatever, whos he?
Ninja: Him? This is Otacon.
Bender: Waz up.
Leela: You know how to destroy Metal Gear.
Otacon: Id better, I built it.
Leela: And how do we do it?
Otacon: Simple, you cant.
Otacon: It has armor that can resist 1,000 nuclear blasts, and cant be
penetrated by laser, or anything else.
Leela: Well, were boned.
Otacon: Well, you could stop the launch, then you could press the self-destruct
Leela: Why would it have a self-destruct button?
Otacon: You dont think I would give them an actual impenetrable weapon
of mass destruction do you?
Leela: I guess not.
Otacon: Damn straight! Well, gotta go.
Leela: I dont know, Ninja and Cubert can fight, but youre a wimp.
Otacon: Ill just use my stealth camouflage.
Fry: Stealth? That thing that makes you invisible?
Otacon: The very same. There were two, but that Grey Fox guy took one. Anyway,
Ninja told me you have codec, my frequency is 141.12. (Turns stealth on) See ya.
Otacon leaves, I think. Anyway, Ninja leaves as well, and our friends now have
to go get Metal Gear. They get back on the elevator and go to B1.
Fry: Why are we going here?
Leela: There was nowhere to go upstairs, so well check here, stupid.
Bender: Yeah, stupid.
They get off to see a guard, and theyre spotted.
Guard: Who are you?
Fry: Im Big Boss, see.
He tries to do a flip and falls flat on his back.
Guard: Youre not Big Boss! Big Boss is graceful!
Fry: Does everything here rip-off The Simpsons?
Guard: Pretty much, yeah.
The guard gets his radio, but before he can report, Bender shoots him in the
Bender: These guns arent just for show.
Leela: Bender, whyd you pick up tranquilizer guns?
Guard: Zzz Zzz Zzz
Leela: Lets go.
They go into what would be Mantis room, but nothings in there.
They go through the door near the bookcase and end up on yet another bridge.
Leela: This place is nothing but buildings and bridges, isnt it?
Voice: It is out in the middle of the ocean, you know.
They turn to see Big Boss, waiting for them.
Leela: Theres a person on every bridge, isnt there?
Big Boss: Yeah, do you know who I am?
Leela/Bender/Fry: Big Boss.
Big Boss: Very good, very good, look below us.
They look down, they see a river, the same one Fox fell in earlier, just further
Big Boss: You think you can defeat me so easily?
Leela: Yes, yes I do.
Big Boss: Well think again! You think youre so good, come on, hit me,
take your best shot.
Leela: I will!
Leela tries to kick Big Boss, but before she hits, he grabs her foot and throws
her at Fry and Bender, knocking the three of them to the ground.
Big Boss: You really got me. HA HA HA HA!!!!!!
Leela: SHUT UP!
Big Boss: Sure, heh heh heh.
Fry: Dodge this!
Big Boss: Wha?
Fry shoots at him, although he easily dodges it, Leela saw an opening and took
it. She kicked him right in the face.
Big Boss: Ow.
Of course he didnt notice Bender, sawing away at the metal near him,
and the part of the bridge he was on, fell.
Big Boss: This cant be good.
He fell into the water and surfaced.
Big Boss: You wont get away with this! What the!? Something's grabbing
my leg, NO, NO, NOOOO!!!!!!
He goes under, his white shirt and tie surface, he doesnt. Our friends
go on; to the building theyre heading to is whatever building theyre
heading to. A helicopter is circling the building. It shows inside to see Wolf
Wolf: Should I fire?
Grey Fox: No, not yet, we have to get Big Boss.
The helicopter goes off to get Big Boss, and our friends go inside the building
Metal Gear Solid 3: Sons Of Stupidity -- Please insert disc 2