Futurama

Fan Fiction

Memories of Futurama, Part 3
By Dwayne Anderson

Fry: We're back! Last time, we showed some clips of Farnsworth, and then some more clips about the most painful moments ever on the show.

Leela: In fact, we have more clips of the professor. We just never finished showing them off because we had to introduce our musical guests.

Fry replaces Farnsworths tape into the VCR.

* * * * *

Farnsworth: Thank god there are plenty of escape pods. We won't have to dress like women and children. (He takes off his cap and throws his lolly down.)

* * * * *

Farnsworth: Five, four, three, two, three, four, five, six...

Leela: Just fire the damn thing!

(Fry tries to press the button, but misses.)

* * * * *

Farnsworth: Look at him, I'm so proud!

Fry: Thanks professor!

Farnsworth: Not you! (He presses a button, shocking Fry.)

Fry: Ow!

* * * * *

Farnsworth: So we say goodbye to our beloved pet Nibbler, who's gone to a place where I too hope one day to go...the toilet.

* * * * *

Driver: Hey grandpa, move your wrinkly old kiester!

(The man drives away.)

Farnsworth: (seconds later) Shut up!

* * * * *

Farnsworth: Fifty-three years old? Now I'll have to get a fake id to rent ultra-porn!

* * * * *

Farnsworth: While I try to restore our ages, I want you all to go about your jobs like normal professionals.

(A spitball hits him. The others laugh.)

* * * * *

Farnsworth: (Nude) Merry Xmas everyone!

* * * * *

Fry and Leela are laughing.

Fry: Now that was funny!

Leela: Good thing we finished watching the tape of your great, great, great, uh, never mind, nephew. I guess we were wrong, he is funny!

Fry: Next, we're going to talk about my best friend, Bender. Bender not only was one of the show's most popular characters, he was also the source of much of the show's comedy.

Leela: Sure he's rude and obnoxious, but hey, he is one of the team. Let's show some clips.

* * * * *

Bender: Bite my shiny meteal ass!

Fry: Doesn't look so shiny to me!

Bender: Shinier than yours meatbag!

* * * * *

Bart Simpson: Eat my shorts.

Bender: Ok! (He takes off Bart's shorts and eats them.) Mmmm shorts!

* * * * *

Bender: On the fourth day of Xmas I stole from that lady!

Robot 1: Four family photos.

Tiny Tinbot: Three jars of pennies.

Robot 2: Two former husbands.

Bender: And a slipper on a shoe tree!

* * * * *

Bender: I'm very generous! What about that time I gave blood?

Fry: Whose blood?

Bender: Some guy's!

* * * * *

Bender: It is the duty of every robot to give his life for humanity! Damnit!

* * * * *

Bender: Sir, I volunteer for a suicide mission! Aw cut it out!

* * * * *

Bender: But it won't bring back my martini. So, who wants a martini!

* * * * *

Bender: Umm, your majesty I have brought the prisoners!

* * * * *

Fry: Alright, here's the plan! (Amazonian woman grunting)

Bender: What kind of moronic plan is that?!

* * * * *

Bender: Did I mention that I'm not a man? I'm a manbot!

Amazonian Woman: He big jerk like man.

Bender: I sure am. But check the crotch! (He bangs the area where his crotch would be if he was a human.) Nothing!

* * * * *

Bender: Hey, can't you see I'm using the toilet!

* * * * *

Amy: Bender, how could you flush Nibbler down the toilet.

Bender: Well, step one, I had to lift the seat. That was the first little annoyance.

* * * * *

Bender: You think you're so hot!

Fry: Wha...?

Bender: The only reason you get all the guys is because you dress like a tramp!

* * * * *

Bender is with the robot mafia slurping soup from a ladle when he sees the Planet Express ship. He spits out a continuous stream of soup.

* * * * *

Bender imitates shooting a gun, then getting hit.

* * * * *

Fry: This is crazy Bender, how are you going to live without a body?

Bender: Bodies are for hookers and fat people!

* * * * *

Farnsworth: Great news everyone!

Bender: Shove it! We quit!

* * * * *

Bender: She's a countess with a spoon in her mouth, and me, just a regular honest joe. (He takes the drinks and walks off)

Bartender: Hey, you gonna pay for those?

Bender: Hell no.

* * * * *

Human Bender: Guys, guys, you gotta come into the bathroom and look at this! You're not going to believe it!

Leela: Bender, it's ok to be proud, but don't be a showoff!

* * * * *

Human Bender: (After kissing Amy) Hey, that felt great! (He kisses Farnsworth) Nah, it's not working anymore!

* * * * *

Leela: Bender, you drank and smoked when you were a robot!

Human Bender: But now it's bad for me! Whoooo!

* * * * *

Bender: Hey Mac, where do you want those rat droppings you ordered?

(The disgusted hot dog customers storm off to order popplers from Fry.)

Man: Wait a minute! You're not the guy who delivers the rat droppings!

* * * * *

Free Waterman Junior: The point is, you shouldn't eat things that feel pain.

(Bender throws a brick, hitting Junior on his head. He groans in pain.)

Bender: Ok, we won't eat you!

* * * * *

Bender: Who wants Dolphin?

The crew gasps.

Leela: Dolphin? But they're intelligent!

Bender: Not this one. He blew all his money on loan sharks!

* * * * *

Bender: Looks like we're going to need some kind of robot. (Fry and Leela look at him.) Aw crap, I am some kind of robot!

* * * * *

Pharoah: Tell the slaves they can all go f...

Bender: Go faster? I told them but they're so damn lazy!

Pharoah: No, I mean they are all free...

Bender: Freeloading off you? I agree!

* * * * *

On a fishing trip, Bender suggests everyone give him some money so he'll make the trip more interesting. Everyone gives him money.

Bender: There, now wasn't that interesting?

* * * * *

Amy: What happened to my parasol?

Bender: I don't know. I wasn't here when I took your umbrella. (Amy growls) Hey, I put sunblock on you!

Amy: Well it didn't work! (She walks off, the words "Honk If Bender Is Great" are written on her back where the sunblock was put.)

* * * * *

Bender: So that's where I left my cigar!

Hermes: That just raises more questions!

* * * * *

Bender: Harpoon my ass!

Leela: Ok! (She throws the harpoon at him, hitting him in the ass)

* * * * *

Leela: They said I probably shouldn't fly with just one eye! (A canister hits her in the eye)

Bender: I am Bender, please insert girder.

* * * * *

Bender blows an airhorn right in Leela's face.

* * * * *

Fry: Look, I'm usually the first person to toot my own lower horn and...

Bender: I'll say! Woo!

Fry: But in this case, I just don't think it's going to do any good!

Bender: That's what she said! Woooooooooo!

* * * * *

Fry and Leela are laughing hysterically.

Fry: Don't worry folks, we'll have more of his "Whoooooooooo!" quotes later in the show!

Leela: We all know that Bender is famous for one hilarious catch-phrase, which he uses whenever he gets the chance. Zapp Brannigan can tell you in this clip.

* * * * *

Zapp: Number 10: Chump
Number 9: Chumpette
Number 8: Yours
Number 7: Up
Number 6: Pimpmobile
Number 5: Bite
Number 4: My
Number 3: Shiny
Number 2: Daffodil
And Bender's most frequently uttered word, the word which if
uttered will blow up this entire planet........ass!

* * * * *

Fry: So there you have it, Bender's famous catch-phrase is "Bite my shiny daffodil ass!"

Leela: Fry, it's "Bite my shiny metal ass"!

She doesn't even notice Bender standing nearby.

Bender: Doesn't look so shiny to me meatbag!

He walks off, drinking a beer.

Leela: We have some clips of different versions of that famous catch-phrase.

* * * * *

-Bite my shiny metal ass!
-Bite my red hot glowing ass!
-Lick my frozen metal ass!
-Maybe you could interface with my ass, by biting it!
-Hey, bite my glorious golden ass!
-The modern world can bite my splintery wooden ass!
-Oh yeah?! Well bite my shiny metal...oh nooooooooooo!

* * * * *

Fry and Leela are laughing hysterically.

Fry: Now, in order to please our fans who wish to see more of Bender's "Woooooooooo's", we're going to show clips of someone who is not a member of our crew, but has clips with Bender saying "Woooooooooo!"

* * * * *

Lrrr: Well, that went ok. I tell you, when you know you can't scratch, that's when you really have to, huh? (Starts scratching himself) Oh yeah....that feels much better.

* * * * *

Lrrr: Dude, my hands are huge! (Crowd mutters) They can touch anything but themselves! (The hands touch.) Oh wait.

* * * * *

Lrrr starts touching running his hands across his cape.

* * * * *

Lrrr: Mmmm, this jerked chicken is good! I think I'll have Fry's lower horn jerked!

Bender: It's used to it! Woooooooooo!

* * * * *

Lrrr: This human's lower horn is one of god's creatures. A living thing. And all living things large and small...

Bender: In this case small! Woooooooooo!

* * * * *

Fry and Leela laugh.

Fry: We'll show the rest of Bender's "Woooooooooo's" later on in near the end.

Leela: We'll be right back! Stay tuned for the finale!

 

To Be Continued

Buddies