Fan Fiction

Memories of Futurama
By Dwayne Anderson

Fry and Leela are sitting on the couch at Planet Express. Standing before them is a cameraman. Nearby is the television.

Leela: Hi, I'm Turanga Leela and this is my good friend Phillip J. Fry.

Fry: How's it going eh? We're here to share our fondest memories of the popular show...uh hold on a second. Mr. Cameraman? Turn the camera to face us. (Cameraman turns the camera towards the couple) That's better. Now, as I was saying...wait a minute Mr. Cameraman.

Fry stands and walks up to the cameraman, and takes off the lens cap. He sits back down on the couch next to Leela.

Fry: Ok, now, let's get straight to the facts. Futurama was one of the most popular shows among Simpsons fans. We're not at all happy that Fox cancelled our series. Damn executives! At least the show did end on a good note. It ended happily for everyone. And that includes Dr. Zoidberg.

Leela: And today, we're going to talk about the show's many great moments, take phone calls, and talk about the rest of the cast. In fact, let's start with Dr. Zoidberg, the successful but financially poor physician of Planet Express who is a Decapodian.

Fry: Let's show some clips of the doc himself.

Fry inserts a tape with Zoidberg's name on it into the VCR of the television.

* * * * *

Fry: Alright, you're on a date. What's the first thing you do?

Zoidberg: Ask her to mate with me.

Fry: No, tell her she's special.

Zoidberg: But she's not! She's merely the female with the largest clutch of eggs!

Fry: Well, tell her that! And then?

Zoidberg: Then mating!

Fry: No, make up some feelings and tell her you have them! (Zoidberg raises his hand). Yes?

Zoidberg: Is desire to mate a feeling?

* * * * *

Bender: I got a busted ass here! I don't see anyone kissing it!

Zoidberg: Alright I'm coming!

* * * * *

Zoidberg: Amy, this is for you, a set of combs for your beautiful hair.

Amy: Oh, that's so sweet! But I sold my hair to a wig maker so I could buy a set of combs for Hermes.

Hermes: Oh, the irony! I sold my hair to buy this third set of combs for Zoidberg!

Zoidberg: Thank you! These'll come in handy for my beautiful hair! Finally, I look as pretty as I feel!

* * * * *

Santa: You've all been very naughty, very naughty indeed! Except you Dr. Zoidberg, this is for you. (He gives Zoidberg a present)

Zoidberg:A Pogo-Stick! (He begins to bounce around)

* * * * *

Judge: The court orders a public immediate apology!

Zoidberg: Apology accepted. Just don't let it happen again.

* * * * *

Zoidberg: I finally figured out how money could make me happy! By using it to buy my hungry friends a feast!

* * * * *

Zoidberg: Only $14.98 for a two record set. Two records! (Calls to order) Hello? I'll take eight!


Tiny Tinbot: Extra, extra, read all about it! Greatest opera of all time sucks!

Zoidberg: I'll take eight!

* * * * *

Fry removes the tape.

Fry: Ok, so maybe Dr. Zoidberg was never that popular on the show, and he did not have as many funny lines as the rest of us, but still...

The phone rings. Leela picks it up.

Leela: Hello?

She hears lots of panting on the other end.

Leela: Wait, I recognize that! Kif, is this you?

Kif: Um, well, yes.

Leela: What's on your mind Kif?

Kif: Well, Leela, I've got a bit of a problem. Do you remember how I used to call Amy alot before we started going out so I could tell her I loved her?

Leela: Sure I do.

Kif: Well, this problem is a bit similar. I'm thinking of asking Amy to marry me, but I just don't know how to do it.

Leela: Well Kif, just do what any other man would do. Take her under the stars on a beautiful moon-lit night. Then...

There's a beep on the other line.

Leela: Hold on Kif, I got another call. (She presses a button) Yes?


Leela hangs up.

Leela: Problem solved.

Fry: Let's talk about the little green alien now. Kif Kroker is the long suffering assistant to Zapp Brannigan. Let's show some clips.

He inserts a tape labelled "Kif" into the VCR.

* * * * *

Kif: The jackass wants to see you in his quarters.

Leela: Good. This will be my chance to reason with him. Captain to captain.

Kif: And he wants you to wear this. (He holds up an extremely revealing outfit.

* * * * *

Leela: What planet is this anyway?

Zapp: I dunno. This whole sector is uncharted.

Kif: It is not uncharted! You lost the chart!

* * * * *

Biologist: I don't want your watch! You're covered in precious ambergris!

Kif: Precious Hamburgers?

* * * * *

Fry removes the tape.

Fry: Now, let's talk about Kif and Amy, one of two major building relationships on the Futurama show. Much of Kif's most memorable moments were with Amy, and some more with Zapp.

He inserts another tape labelled "Kif and Amy".

* * * * *

Amy: Hi.

Kif: Hello.(He picks her up and they kiss)


(Amy kisses Kif and hands him a piece of paper)

Amy: Call me!

* * * * *

Amy: Hello? (Hears panting on the other line) Hello? Is anyone there?

Kif: (Continues panting. He hangs up) I love you!

* * * * *

Kif: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you take your pants off and dance around a little? (He panics)

Amy: What?

Leela: Liutenent Kroker!

Kif: Oh! (Zapp gives him two thumbs up. He flips through the black book some more) I find the most erotic part of a woman is the boobies.

Amy: Kif!

* * * * *

Kif: Once upon a time, I was falling in love. But now I'm only falling apart.

Amy: Oh, that's so emotional!

Kif: There's nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart...

Zapp: Your hour's over!

* * * * *

Kif: Amy, before I die, I have to tell you. I didn't mean to say those awful things on our date. They were all Zapp's idea!

Amy: Really? Honestly and true?

Kif: Yes! And that person calling and hanging up was me. I was just too nervous to say hello because...I love you!

Amy: Oh Kif!

* * * * *

Amy: Kif jump!

Kif: (Jumps and lands in her arms) My hero!

* * * * *

Kif: I wish I could lie here beside you all night.

Amy: I can't. (She puts herself on top of him and they kiss. A rumbling is heard.) What's that?

Kif: Maybe we just made love!

* * * * *

Kif: Dear diary, I just made love for the second time.

* * * * *

Kif: Oh dearest, this long term relationship is too much to bear, when even an inch separates us, I quiver with misery. So you can imagine how I feel when it's a billion light years. (cries)

Amy: Kif, don't cry, or you'll get a tummy ache.

* * * * *

Kif: And I would pluck the moon from the sky, just to see you smile. (He grabs the moon and pulls) Almost got it! (He falls into the water) I love you!

* * * * *

Amy: I still don't know if I'm ready for this, but I do know I love you and I want to be here beside you.

Midwife: Great, now I lost my place! I'm starting over!

* * * * *

Kif: Well we gave them a great start Amy. And in twenty years, they'll sprout legs and crawl back onto land as children.

Amy: And I'll be ready then.

* * * * *

Amy: Oh Kif, it was so romantic of you to rent this peddle plane with your tax rebate. We're like two dandelion seeds wafting on the breeze.

Kif: Yes...seeds...wafting.

* * * * *

Kif: Amy, I-I also spend my tax rebate on a gift for you.

Amy: Oh Kiffie!

Kif: (He opens a box, showing a watch) It shows the time wherever we are. And it's powered by love. Also, you have to wind it.

* * * * *

Kif: Using that, I will make you a perfume of lilac, jasmine, and frankenberry.

Amy: Oh Kif, it's so romantic, I can't wait! I'm gonna wear it right now! (She put on some of the ambergris on. Her tatoo chokes and sputters. Everyone in the room reacts to the smell.)

MOM: Who smells like freaking porpus hork?!

Amy: I do! Kiss me Kif!

* * * * *

Fry takes out the tape.

Fry: I think it's great that they're a couple.

Leela: And now, they'll be getting married. For now, let's take some more calls from fans of the show.

Suddenly, the phone rings. Fry picks it up.

Fry: Hello? Who? Alright. Leela, it's for you!

Leela takes the phone.

Leela: Hello.

Voice: Leela? Are you here? Guess who!

Leela: I told you Zapp! It's been over between us since I slept with you in Love's Labours Lost In Space!

Zapp: Boy, you're earning your seven grand a year Leela. By the way, do you know what I find sexiest in women?

Leela: (sighs)The boobies?

Zapp: Right!

Leela: Shutup!

Leela slams down the phone.

Fry: We all know Zapp Brannigan as the sleazeball captain of the Nimbus. However, he's a sex obsessed lunatic who cares only about satisfying his own pleasures. But most of all, he's the type of guy who doesn't take "no" for an answer, especially when it comes to Leela. Let's show some clips.

Leela: I don't want to see any clips of that jerk!

Fry: Leela, our contract states that we have to show every clip, or else we don't get paid.

Leela sighs.

Leela: Alright already! In fact, we have a clip of Zapp at his high school graduation. However, this clip is not from the show.

Fry inserts a tape labelled "Zapp Brannigan" into the VCR.

* * * * *

Principal: Next graduate, Zapp Brannigan, who represents a class with a tremendous amount of scholarships, hard work, sex...uh I mean success! (Everyone in the audience laughs as Zapp accepts his diploma) Zapp, to you, no goal was unreachable. During your time here, in all fields, you had sex...sucess (more laughs). We wish you a future of continued sex...success! (even more laughs)

* * * * *

Fry laughs with Leela as the clips continue.

* * * * *

Zapp: I'm facing a formidable female adversary Kif. Suggestions?

Kif: I fail to see any problem sir. You already imprisoned her under directive B-10.81

Zapp: You mean Brannigan's law?

Kif: Right, that law.

Zapp: Which one?

Kif: (sighs) Brannigan's law.

* * * * *

Zapp: You'd rather sit in prison than spend one evening with the Zapper?

Leela: Much Rather. (Zapp starts to cry) What are you doing?

Zapp: Oh god I'm pathetic! Sorry. Just go. You want the rest of the Shampagin?

Leela: No, and it's pronounced Sham-pane.

Zapp: Oh god no!

* * * * *

Leela: Zapp, last night was a mistake.

Zapp: A sexy mistake.

Leela: No, just a regular mistake!

* * * * *

Zapp: Kif, I'm feeling the captain's itch!

Kif: I'll get the powder sir!

Zapp: No. The itch for adventure!

* * * * *

Kif: Captain, may I have a word with you?

Zapp: No

Kif: It's an emergency sir.

Zapp: Come back when it's a catastrophe! (Rumbling) Oh very well!

* * * * *

Zapp: Don't blame yourself Kif. We were doomed from the start. Nothing remains now other than for the captain to go down with with ship.

Kif: Why that's surprisingly noble of you sir.

Zapp: No, it's noble of you Kif.(He tears off his badge and slaps it on Kif)As of now, you're in command. Congratulations captain!

* * * * *

Zapp: I propose we go out on ten dates!

Leela: How about zero?

Zapp: Nine!

Leela: Zero!

Zapp: Seven!

Leela: Zero!

Zapp: Eight?

* * * * *

Zapp: Five! And that's my final offer! Four!

* * * * *

Zapp: Well, nothing to do now but repopulate the human race! (To Leela)Just me and you...(whispers to Amy)and maybe you!

* * * * *

Zapp: I usually don't say this but you are the most beautiful trio of gigantic ladies I've ever seen! (Amazonian women snarl)I find the most erotic part of a woman is the boob...(yelps as a woman grabs him)

* * * * *

Femputer: Femputer sentences them...TO DEATH! (everyone gasps) BY SNU-SNU!

(Zapp and Fry cheer and high-five. Kif however quivers)

Zapp: What are you? Gay?

* * * * *

Fry: And who could forget this next clip?

Leela: I could!

The next clip shows Zapp singing a song at the restaurant where he, Leela, Kif, and Amy had a half date.

Fry removes the tape.

Fry: We'll be right back after this break. When we come back, we'll talk about more characters from the show and show even more clips of the funniest and best moments from the show! So stick around, and don't touch that dial!


To Be Continued